Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 20 - For the Last Time, I Do - full transcript

- So in 24 hours, you are
going to be Mrs. Simon Leeds.

How are you doing!?

- Oh my, I finally
know what it feels like

to be high on life.

It's not as good, but
my driving has improved.

- So happy for you.

- You know, I'm
a little bit nervous.

Simon's on his way up
right now with the woman

who's going to marry us.

She's an old friend of
Simon's, I never met her,

but he thinks she's wonderful.



- Well I am thrilled to
be your maid of honor.

- So it's not weird for you?

- What?

- Well you know, me getting
married, you being the last

single women at
Blush, that office pool

on when you're finally
gonna admit you're a lesbian.

- I'm not gay.

- Dammit.

- Hey Finch, by the
way, who are you bringing

to the wedding.

- Old friend, he's gonna
be in town for the weekend.

- Yeah, well I don't
want you to bring

any of your dorky friends.

- He's a doctor.



- Oh good.

You know we're registered
at the pharmacy next to Sax.

- Oh.

- Hello, darling.

I'd like you to meet
our minister, Skylar.

- Nina, I can't tell
you what a thrill it is

to preform your ceremony.

- So tell me again,
where did you two meet?

- Doll used to
travel with the band.

- Were you two
romantically involved?

- No, it was a
casual sort of thing.

We took walks in the
part, listened to music,

had lots of sex.

That sort of thing.

Nina, you look uncomfortable.

- No, no.

I just came from a
little lunchtime botox.

Am I smiling,
'cause I mean to be.

Thank you for coming.

It's a chance to celebrate
with some of my dear

friends at Blush who could
not be invited to the wedding.

Like you, Black Pony Tail Guy.

And you, Onion Breath Lady.

And of course you, guy
who looks at gay porn

all day and assumes
that no one notices.

I love you all.

Oh Jack, thank you so
much for throwing this party.

- Happy to do it.

Listen, is there
anything else I can do?

- Well Simon and I
could use a sailboat.

- I gave you a sailboat
for your last wedding.

- Oh the Coastgaurd
impounded that one.

Something about improper
cargo, blah, blah, blah.

- Nina, I've written
something that reflects

my feelings for you,
and it would be a privilege

if I can read it at the wedding.

- Elliot, you know
that I love you

as much, if not more, than
Smokes Through His Neck Guy.

But I just feel that...

I dunno, that it would
really be more meaningful

if the person who spoke
as an A-list celebrity.

So we're shooting
for Martin Sheen.

- Oh, you're friends
with Martin Sheen?

- Well not really,
but we were on

Politically Incorrect together.

I was pro-crime.

- Are you catlover126?

- You leedsfan618?

- That's me, where's Simon?

- Oh, you just missed him.

- eBay auction said he
was gonna be here all night.

I paid you big
bucks for this, dude!

- Shh.

Dude, I got you
into the wedding.

- Awesome.

- But the thing is
you gotta act like

you're an old friend, alright?

And you're a doctor.

- A doctor?

I'm a high school sophomore.

- Not this weekend.

You're Dr. Nick Saint Claire.

Tough, but tender neurosurgeon.

- Well this must be
pretty tough for you, hmm?

- What do you mean?

- Ah, you know.

You not being married,
everyone saying old maid.

That ridiculous
lesbian office pool.

- Finally, someone who
knows how silly that is.

- Of course, jeez.

- Listen, if you come
out with a Korean girl,

I get 10 to one odds.

- Look, you know I'm into guys!

As I have told about 10
people today, I am single now

because my standards are
higher than other people's.

- Hey, you dated me.

- Why does everyone keep
throwing that in my face!

- Okay, next we
light the unity candle

and then we move
right to the vows.

I'd like to hear something
from the couple themselves.

- Oh, oh we haven't
really planned...

- Oh, that's great!

That's more honest.

It just has to come
from your heart.

Nina, why don't
you give it a try?

- Okay.

Boy, my heart is just
so full of thoughts.

I, I...

- Here, let me give
you an example.

Simon, I love you.

I have always loved
you, and I will never forget

the first time we made love.

I think about it every
day and every night.

And no matter where
you go, or who you're with,

in my heart you'll
always belong to me.

Okay?

I'd like to end the
ceremony by bonding you

with the love of univserse.

First, I summon all the
earth's positive energy

and I transfer it
first to the bride.

And then to the groom.

- Okay.

- Oh, there's more love.

The universe is expanding.

- Yes, I'd rather Simon didn't.

Thank God you're here.

Jack, I'm freaking out.

- Here we go, night before
the wedding, tensions are high.

I've heard it all.

What's wrong?

- My new age minister
is trying to have sex

with my fiance.

- Let me top you off.

That is so inappropriate.

- Jack, I don't know what to do.

I mean I can't get rid of her.

She's Simon's oldest friend,
and he doesn't see it at all.

- Nina...

Do you want me to
take care of this for you?

- By that do you mean...
- Buh, buh, buh.

Would you like this
problem to go away?

- Well yes, but are you
implying that you're gonna...

- Duh, duh, duh.

Just blink if your
eyes if you don't want

her at the wedding.

- Well I had a botox
injection today,

so suffice it to say...

Jack, thank you.

You always take
such good care of me.

- Dennis!

Did you hear that?

- Every word.

Don't worry about a thing.

- What're you gonna do?

- Boh, boh, boh, boh.

- Bup, bup, bup.

- Bup, bup.

- So hey you guys.

In this pool that you have
about me being a lesbian,

who wins if I got a little
something, something

with a hot guy who is so
smart, he's a neurosurgeon?

I think I win.

- Uh, Maya.

Does this guy have a
certain boyish charm?

- Well yes, actually he does.

- And did he describe
his last surgery

as an A to the P the N-ectomy?

- Finch!

- And is the man of
your dreams over there

doing olive fingers?

- What is he doing here!?

- Well your neurosurgeon
paid $500 on eBay

to go to Simon Leed's wedding.

He's a high school sophomore.

- Oh my God!

- Oh come down, you'll
spill something on your dress

and you won't be
able to wear it to prom.

- You're a high
school sophomore!?

You told me you were a doctor!

- It's not as bad as you think.

I got left back a couple times.

Stupid geometry.

- I can't believe this.

I didn't even date
guys who were bad

at geometry when
I took geometry.

- Chill out, baby.

It's gonna be
okay, it's all good.

Listen, my parents are
gonna out of town this week...

- No, Nick.

Listen, this was an awful
mistake and you need

to forget that this happened.

- Forget?

I can't forget, it
was my first time.

- Oh, right on.

Give it up.

And Maya, eating the
bananas while they're still green,

I like it.

- Um, Nick.

It was a wonderful night,
and knowing what I know now,

your crying and repeated
thank you's makes sense.

But it was one great night
and that's all it could be.

- But I love you.

- Oh no, no, no, no.

- Back up pal, she's
dropping the hammer on you.

- No one's dropping the hammer.

We're gonna be together!

- Please don't make a scene.

I don't want to
ruin the wedding.

- Forget the wedding.

I'm changing your mind.

Before this day is over,
you're gonna do a complete

90 degree turn.

- It's 180.

- Oh.

- What?

- Well I was hoping
Skylar was in here with you,

but she seems to
have gone missing.

- Oh, how upsetting
and unexpected.

- Well what're we gonna do?

We're gonna get
married in half and hour

and there's no one to
preform the ceremony.

- Excuse me you guys,
I'm sorry to interrupt.

But my good friend,
Father McGiffey stopped by.

Is it okay if he stays
for the wedding?

- It must be a sign.

- Okay, padre.

Suit up, you're in.

- I'm not a Catholic.

- Nobody cares, let's go.

Hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, slow down.

- I'm drowning my sorrows.

- Dude, you gotta let it go.

She's into older guys.

Guys like him.

- So she's been with him!?

- Well yeah, they were
engaged and they still

occasional go.

- That's it.

I'm putting something
special in his Champagne.

- Dude, that's not cool.

That's not cool.

On second thought, if
it'll stop that freak show,

do your thing.

- Dennis?

The flute player went home sick.

- No, no I can't.

- You played in
the marching band.

- All I know is
"Eye of the Tiger."

- If I recall correctly, that
was a song about going for it.

- I am so thrilled
you're here, Corbin.

I never dreamed I'd
get my first choice.

- Yeah, that's very kind of you.

Look the truth is as
long as I got my salmon

and my slice of
cake, I'll be happy.

- Oh, didn't your
agent tell you?

You're having chicken.

- Nina, I hear Martin
Sheen dropped out

and I'm just ready to
jump in with my tribute.

What's he doing here?

- Alright, before you
overreact, just ask

yourself one question:

Were you in the
movie, "Major League?"

or, what was the sequel called?

- "Major League 2."

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just had a
glass of Champagne

and now I'm just
kind feeling funny.

- What?

- I love you, Jack.

I don't tell you enough.

You're my sunshine,
and my universe.

I feel you.

- I love you too,
Elliot, but you're drifting

uncomfortably close
to my belt buckle.

- Hey My-my.

- Hi.

- I love you.

- Elliot.

- I mean it.

There's just so much
love in this room right now.

- You gonna mess
with my lady, huh?

- Get your flippers off me!

- Nick stop, please!

- Elliot, what's going on here?

- I'm crazy about Maya,
but she doesn't love me.

- I love you.

- Elliot, go away.

- Elliot, go away.

- Dude, she's not right for you.

- Yeah, no I'm not.

- She's old and withered.

You want a grape or
a plum, not a prune.

Right, Maya?

- Right.

- Yeah, come on dude.

You want somebody young.

A girl that's got
all her own teeth.

- I have one temporary crown.

- I don't care
about any of that.

I love her.

- Hey, dude.

See that girl in the red?

She's a top model from Brazil.

I can hook you guys up.

She's young, rich,
horny, and stupid.

- That might be better.

- Dennis, Dennis.

- What?

- We got another problem.

Nina has her heart set on
an ice sculpture of a swan,

but the guy who's supposed
to do it is a no show.

- Oh my God, you look beautiful.

- Thanks.

So I heard about
you and the doctor.

- Yes, well some of
us make smart choices

when it comes to men,
some of us not so much.

- Maya, I want
you to listen to me.

It has taken me six
marriages to get it right.

Now you may struggle,
and you may overthink,

but you're special.

And you're gonna
get it right the first time.

And if you bang a
couple of prep school kids

along the way, so be it.

- Thanks.

- Okay Nina, it's time.

- I'll see you out there.

- Wow, look at you.

You look exactly like
you did at your second

and fourth weddings.

- Oh, Jack.

- It's an honor to walk
you down the aisle.

- Oh Jack, look at this.

Look at him.

I have never been so happy.

Everything is finally perfect.

- Wait!

Wait.

I'm here.

- Sky, what happened to you?

- I don't understand it.

I ran out of gas
half the way here.

I never run out of gas.

I was trying to walk to
the nearest gas station,

and for some reason the
heel broke off of my shoe.

I mean, it's almost as
if someone sawed it.

And then I fell down an
embankment and into a ditch,

and then some freak
in a Darth Vader mask

jumped out and said, "Go home!"

Don't know how I
got here, but I'm here.

- Oh, you poor dear.

- Anything for you, Simon.

The only thing that
could've kept me away

is if I broke both legs.

- Is it too late?

- Come on, darling.

- Oh my God, that
ice looks just like Jack.

- Dude, that is Jack.

That's the only one
I could do by heart.

- Finch, I'm freaking
out here, man.

Aww jeez.

I'm starting to see
the cast from LA Law.

God, everybody's looking at me.

Tell them to stop.

- Quiet, nobody's
looking at you.

You're being paranoid, man.

Just be quiet and relax.

Everything's gonna
be okay, buddy.

- Before the vows, Nina
has requested a reading

by her dear, dear friend:

Corbin "Arnie Becker" Bernsen.

- I haven't really known
Nina for a very long time,

but I do know this... - Wait.

This doesn't feel right.

I'm sorry, Corbin.

I'd like to hear from
someone who's been

a wonderful friend
to me for years.

If it's not too late, would
you do me the honor, Elliot?

- This is all in my head, right?

- No, this time
they're looking at ya.

Shut your yap.

You got a little
spit bubble going.

You'll do good.

- Jack, help me.

- Haha, you forgot your glasses.

Tonight, of all nights.

Listen, repeat everything I say.

- Okay.

Nina, we kid you
a lot at the office,

but the truth is that we
really care about you.

You're a really good friend
and we're just so lucky

to know you.

And Simon, you're
the luckiest guy of all.

Aww.

- Oh, one more
thing: before a big date

I often butter my head.

Thanks man, thank you, man!

- Now the bride and groom
have something to say.

- I express myself
best with music.

So Nina, my love for you

is like a C chord,

followed by a B, a G,

a D, and then an
A minor seventh.

Sustained.

- Simon.

I'm not a musician,
I'm not a writer,

I don't read much.

Gun to my head, I could
not find England on a map.

But I do know how I feel.

And I feel like I've
been asleep forever

and your kiss woke me up.

- Isn't that sweet?

Well it's not
customary for me to ask

if there's anyone present
who feels that these two people

should not be married.

Just anyone at all.

We have the hall till 8:30.

Wouldn't want to be
in your car driving home

and think, "Doh, I
missed my chance."

You sir!

- What?

No, no.

Not him.

He's fending off the bats.

- Okay.

Well then here we are.

The final moment
before Simon and Nina

are joined as one, forever.

Simon, pick me.

I talked to God, he
wants us to be together.

- Would you all excuse
us for just one moment?

- Alright.

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bridge.

♪ Life keeps me
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Yeah