Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Last Temptation of Elliot - full transcript
Elliot joins a Bible reading group and fantasizes about the women there. Finch also joins the group and discovers these women aren't so celibate after all.
- Oh, Dad, good!
Um, my new intern starts today
and I would really love
for you to meet him.
- I can't stand interns,
they're so eager
and they're always
fawning over me.
I hate fawning!
- Hey, Jack, your
oatmeal's still really hot.
Should I blow on it
or hold it over my head
and run around the office?
- What do you think?
- Look, this is a really
worthwild program
for underprivileged youths.
Now, the kid's name
is Jimmie Korsh,
and I would just really like
to give him a good welcome.
- Fine, if it'll make you happy.
I am a reasonable man.
- No.
- Thanks for doing this, Dad.
I'm so excited to mold
a young, fresh mind.
- Jimmie Korsh, college intern!
How are ya?
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
- Wait, you're Jimmie Korsh?
- College intern!
- Hi, Jimmie, I'm Jack Gallo.
- Oh, Mr. Gallo, sir, it's
an honor to meet you.
Someday I hope to be a
magazine publisher just like you.
- Fantastic!
Keep him away from me.
- So, Jimmie, um,
you're a little older
for a college intern.
- Yeah, I had to work
to put my four older
brothers through school.
I spent the last
27 years working
for the highway department.
- Oh, what a huge sacrifice!
What did you do?
- Well, you know when
you see a dead animal
on the side of the highway
and the next day it's gone?
It didn't get better.
- Okay.
Well, I'm Maya and I'm
going to be your mentor
while you're here at Blush.
I thought we'd start
with some filing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, slow down, sweetheart!
- First of all, yes, I
would like some coffee.
- Uh, Jimmie, I don't think
that's a appropriate way
to address your boss.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
it's, I'm so nervous.
This is a big
opportunity for me.
I'm just a little
uncomfortable about my age.
- Oh, nobody is gonna
judge you about that.
The people around
here are very sensitive.
- Hey, Grandpa, listen.
- Make me a couple of copies
and try not to break a hip
while you're doing it, all right?
- Oh, Jack, planning this
wedding is driving me crazy.
- Well, I'd be happy to help.
I do have a pretty
cutting-edge sense of style,
what with running a
major fashion magazine.
What, Blush?
- No offense, Jack, but this
magazine's sense of style is,
a little outdated.
- You're the fashion editor!
- And whose fault is that, hmm?
- Elliot!
- Father Vincent?
What a wonderful surprise!
What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm taking
over Saint Adrian's.
It's in the neighborhood,
so I thought I'd drop in.
- I haven't seen you in years.
- How've you been?
- Good.
And by good, I mean,
moral, and pious, and godly.
- Hey, Elliot,
for the bikini shoot,
should I ice my nipples?
I, I don't know what
she's talking about!
Yes.
- So, what church
do you attend now?
- Oh, actually, I'm between
churches at the moment, Father.
- Well, I'm starting
up a bible study group,
if you'd like to join.
- Would I!?
If there's a bible,
I'm studying it!
- Wonderful.
First lesson is tonight.
That's awesome!
This is great!
God is cool!
- Finch, what have
I gotten myself into?
- You mean with this priest?
- Oh, he's more
than just a priest.
He practically raised me.
He's more of a dad to
me than my own dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- He taught me how to throw
a ball and tie a fish hook.
He gave me my first camera.
- Hmm.
- And all he asked
for me in return
is that I be a good Catholic.
- Hmm.
- How can I tell Father Vincent
what kind of guy I've become?
I don't wanna go to
some bible study class.
I just can't bear
to let him down.
Hey, man, I'm
here for you, dude.
- So, item number
three on the agenda...
- Sorry I'm late.
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
How are ya?
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
- And may I say, that being
in these plush surroundings
with you fine people, this
is like a dream come true.
- For me, too.
- Now, I was thinking
for our double issue,
we would do a feature
on the history of the bikini.
- I like it, Jack, I like it.
I think we can do better.
- I'm confused, he seems to
have power, who do I side with?
- You know, Jimmie,
for your first meeting,
you might wanna adopt
more of a listening posture.
- Yeah, in other words,
Pops, take out your teeth,
crank up the Miracle
Ear, and fantasize
about Angela
Lansbury, all right?
- Anyway, uh...
I thought we'd do
interviews with some
of the top models
from the sixties.
- Bo-ring.
- Maya?
- I'll talk to him.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Finally!
- Well.
I went to Father Vincent's
bible study class last night,
and it was horrible.
- Oh, I can imagine.
The bible doesn't address any
of the moral dilemmas I face.
- For example, you're
at the summer home
of a washed-up movie producer.
There's a dead
hooker in the pool.
- You figure her
bracelet's gonna end up
in the filter anyway, I...
- What would Jesus do?
- The bible part isn't
so bad, but the school...
The school is filled
with these beautiful,
innocent, religious women.
- So use your Cain, you're Abel.
- I can't!
It would devastate
Father Vincent
if I started scamming
on his flock.
- Well, then, forget about it.
I mean, you're with
models all the time.
- I know, but there's something
of the forbidden
about these women.
The way they sit
there, taunting me
with their button-up sweaters
and the sensible shoes
and their old world
manners, "may I, please ..."
I mean, I'm just a man!
- Elliot, I need some help.
- You're in no
shape to work, pal.
Let me handle this one, yeah.
- Come on, baby.
- I don't know what to
do about the centerpieces
for the wedding, I don't
want anything too bulky.
- It's simple, we go
with the slender vases.
- Brilliant.
- Hello, beautiful!
Hello, Jack!
Oh, I don't mean to imply
that you're not, beautiful,
Jack, it's just that
society doesn't allow men
to, uh, comment on each
other's physical appearance.
So the fact that I do find
you physically attractive
will remain unsaid.
- Which is perhaps for the best.
- I'll be ready
in just a minute,
we're going over
china for the reception.
- Oh, lovely, I'll just sit here
and look at you adoringly.
- So, what do you think of
this plate with platinum trim?
- Very nice, classy.
- Yeah, I thought we
could tie it all together
with red napkins.
- Great touch!
- Actually, I prefer
white napkins.
- Darling, I don't think
that's gonna work.
Um, I thought when people
came in, into the foyer,
- No, I'm serious, I
want white napkins.
- Well, that's not gonna
fit with the whole tableau
we're presenting.
- Don't try and confuse me,
with your funny French phrases.
I know what I want and
I want white napkins.
- Simon, I think you're
being a bit unreasonable.
- Oh, so the ugliness comes out!
- Bad little Simon,
put him in the corner
and paddle his bum.
Nobody wants to listen
to what he has to say!
No pudding for him today!
- Jimmie, I wanted
to talk to you
about what happened
in that meeting.
- Yeah, and I
wanted to talk to you!
What's with dissing me
in front of the whole crew?
- What!?
- Look, I understand
you're threatened, but...
- I'm not threatened by you!
- Well, you should be.
I read your articles.
Somebody, light a match!
- Okay, that's it, who the
hell do you think you are?
You are a middle-aged intern!
Is there any bigger
loser on Earth?
I don't think so!
You're rude, you're
lazy, and for the record,
intern is not spelled with a U!
- Wow.
- Sorry, it just had to be said.
- No, no, you're right.
I'm a total failure.
- Now, I wouldn't go that far.
- Look at me.
I've got no job, no direction.
I'm a 45-year-old
college freshman.
Last week at a party,
I threw out my back
carrying up a keg!
- In all fairness, you
haven't had any advantages.
I mean, you grew up poor.
- No I didn't!
My family is loaded!
- You lied about being poor?
- I had to in order
to get this internship.
I've been kicked
out of all the others.
For some reason, I rub
people the wrong way.
- I might as well
just eat until I'm fat,
and I mean Brando fat.
- Look.
We got off to a bad start.
I believe that everyone
deserves a second chance.
So, what do you
say we start over?
- You're a good person, Maya.
Meeting you could be a
real turning point for me.
- Well, that's nice to hear.
Now come on, I'll buy you lunch.
- Oh, please, I've got
more money than God.
We'll go halvsies.
- After these things,
I heard a great voice
of much people in
heaven, saying, Hallelujah!
And God said, "Amen."
I say to you,
there is no one who
has given up house
or brothers or sisters
or mother or father,
or children, or
land, for my sake,
or for the sake of the gospel,
who will not receive a
hundred times more now
in this present day,
hundreds of brothers
and sisters and mothers
and children and lands,
with persecutions...
- Elliot.
Elliot.
Elliot.
- Elliot!
Elliot, do you want
to be included?
- Of course!
I want to feel the warm
embrace of the lord.
- We're taking a coffee order!
Now I'd like to discuss
the book of Matthew.
- Hey, god-lovers,
any room at the inn?
- Of course, my son, there's
always room for one more.
- All right!
Oh, scooch, make way, ha ha.
- Ooh, you must have sneezed,
because God blessed you.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here to rock my soul
in the bosom of Abraham,
and anyone else who
might be interested.
- Father Vincent,
this man is a fraud.
He's not religious.
In fact, he's never set foot
inside a church his entire life.
- My name is Dennis
Finch and I am a sinner.
- I've spent my
whole life indulging
in pleasures of the flesh.
And I've gotten
pretty good at it.
- But it's time to
turn my life around.
And that's why I'm here tonight.
Save me!
- Oh!
- Oh, Dennis, you really
seem to enjoy talking
about the Lord.
- Oh, I love the Lord.
All the lords.
The one of the Rings,
the one of the Dance,
the ten that are
always a-leaping.
- Could you get
me a glass of water?
- Tap or holy?
- You having fun?
- Actually, no.
- Mm-hmm.
- All we do is read scripture.
And there's so much
sex, she's begetting him,
he's begetting her,
and I be getting nothing.
- Mm-hmm, because she's
a nice girl and you're scum,
so for once, you lose.
- Here's your water.
- Aye.
You know, you really seem
dedicated to finding salvation.
- Oh, I am, I'm
so committed to it.
- That's what I was afraid of.
- What?
- Well, you see, I've
been a good girl all my life.
But when I saw you
walk in that classroom,
I thought, now here's
a guy who will help me
unleash fifteen years of
pent-up sexual frustration.
Sorry.
- But I guess I was wrong.
- No!
No, you're not wrong.
I'm a lying, horny bastard.
- This whole thing
was just a scam
to get in your pants anyway.
Really?
- Yeah!
I mean, would a
pious man do this?
- Why do you let him win?
- Simon will not let this
white napkin thing go,
he sulked around
the apartment all night,
I don't know what to do.
- Nina, you're
too close to this.
I'll talk to him, mark my words,
you will have your red napkins.
- Aw, Jack, I can
always come to you
with the thorniest of problems.
Quick question.
You find a bracelet
at a pool party.
- Jimmie is driving me crazy.
I took him out to dinner,
and now I can't get rid of him.
He told me his whole life
story, hopes, dreams, fears,
and then I get home
and there's, like,
thirty messages on my machine.
- You want my advice?
Stop being so nice!
God, you are so afraid
that people won't like you
that you make
yourself a doormat.
It's pathetic!
- How dare you!
- What, that's all you've got?
- You arrogant,
condescending bitch!
- I love that energy.
- You are annoying
and impatient.
- Okay, dear, you
peaked at "bitch."
- Maya, Maya, it's me.
- Oh, I'm glad you're
here, we've gotta talk.
- But before we do, I wanna
introduce you to somebody.
Somebody very dear to me.
- Helen Korsh, Jimmie's mother.
- It's nice to meet you.
- I'm so glad he finally
has a nice girlfriend.
- What?
Ma?
She's not my girlfriend.
Yet.
- Okay, I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.
- Oh, come on, step
over there by her.
I want to take a picture of you.
- No, Ma, no-no-no-no-no.
- No, come on!
- No, Mom, now you're
embarrassing me.
- I want to take a picture!
- Ma, okay.
Don't boss me
around, will you please?
- You live under my
roof, you go by my rules!
- I can't take this anymore!
- Oh?
- I hate you!
- Oh!
- I hate you, I hate you!
- Well, you're his
girlfriend, for God's sake!
Go talk to him!
- I should have picked a
Latino kid from the Bronx.
- The rectory carwash is
Sunday, remember, girls.
T-shirts and shorts,
we're gonna be getting wet
and soapy for the Lord!
Will you grab my
windbreaker, baby?
Mm.
- You know, you're despicable.
- See that?
That's Mary Elizabeth's
friend, Mary Catherine.
She wants to know you, buddy.
She wants to know you
'til you can't know no more.
- Don't do this to me.
- I'm telling you,
man, these girls,
they're so repressed.
Look at her.
She's a beautiful, ripe apple.
You've gotta reach
out and pluck her.
- You know you want to.
You know you need to.
- Do it.
- I found it.
- Hey, all right.
- Hi, Mary Catherine.
- Hello, Elliot.
- Like your sweater.
- Thank you, my
grandmother made it for me.
I have a matching
set of mittens.
- Oh my god, I can't
take this anymore.
- Me either!
- Oh my!
- She made me.
- Hey, thanks for
coming by, Mate.
Can I call you Mate?
- Sure, can I call you Jocko?
- I don't need to call you Mate.
- Anyway.
We got a little problem.
Nina really wants
the red napkins.
- I don't give a toss
about the napkins.
- Then why are you making
such a big deal about this?
- Because I asked for one
thing and she dismissed me.
And it's a bad precedent,
going into a marriage,
not being heard.
- I suppose...
Well, look, you know
how women can be.
I start out giving
in on the napkins.
The next thing you know,
she's telling me what to eat,
how to dress, where
to go on holiday...
- When you can play golf,
what to name your daughter.
Maya.
What are we, Aztecs?
- I mean, I don't know
how your wives treated you,
but I don't wanna end
up losing my identity,
my dignity, or my manhood.
- We're going
with white napkins.
- But I...
- No buts.
We say so, and that
should be enough for you.
- Dad, why are you shouting?
- You stay out of this, Edna.
- Edna?
- If it was good enough
for your grandmother,
it's good enough for you.
- Simon, please,
about the napkins, I...
- Well, I don't... See,
the truth is, Love,
I don't really care
about the napkins.
I just wanted to be heard.
- I am so sorry, Darling.
I guess I just got so caught
up in the wedding that I,
I will never ignore you again.
- That's all I needed.
And I want you to
have the red napkins.
- It's too late, I already
canceled the red napkins
so you could have
the white ones.
- Oh my god, this is
like The Gift of the Magi,
except we have lots of
money and lots of hair.
- I can't believe
you're dating this guy.
- I'm not dating him!
I have made it very clear
that we're just friends.
- There's my special girl!
Roses for the rose,
sweets for the sweet.
- Jimmie, these
candies are for diabetics.
- Yeah, I got them from
my mother's drawer.
Here, you need any insulin?
- Lose him, lose him, now.
- You know, Jimmie, I really
appreciate the attention,
and you're very nice, but...
- What.
- Well, I...
- Oh, for God's sakes!
Okay, here's the deal.
Maya, in spite of her
flaws, is quite a catch,
whereas you, oh, you
are not even in her league.
You pampered,
obnoxious tower of failure.
Now, get out!
- Oh my god.
- Jimmie, I'm sorry,
Nina didn't mean...
- That is some fiery habanero!
- I've gotta get
me a piece of that!
- I'm gonna need these.
- Sorry about what
happened in here, Father.
I joined the bible study
because I didn't want
to disappoint you, and I
went and I did exactly that.
- Elliot, we all
struggle, we all stray.
The important
thing is, you're here,
and I know you're a good person.
- Thank you, Father.
- Oh, by the way,
your friend, Finch,
won't be coming around anymore.
The Monsignor walked in on him
filming some sort
of bogus car wash.
He's a piece of work, that one.
- Well, we can only hope
he finds God in his own way.
- Shalom, ladies!
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
Um, my new intern starts today
and I would really love
for you to meet him.
- I can't stand interns,
they're so eager
and they're always
fawning over me.
I hate fawning!
- Hey, Jack, your
oatmeal's still really hot.
Should I blow on it
or hold it over my head
and run around the office?
- What do you think?
- Look, this is a really
worthwild program
for underprivileged youths.
Now, the kid's name
is Jimmie Korsh,
and I would just really like
to give him a good welcome.
- Fine, if it'll make you happy.
I am a reasonable man.
- No.
- Thanks for doing this, Dad.
I'm so excited to mold
a young, fresh mind.
- Jimmie Korsh, college intern!
How are ya?
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
- Wait, you're Jimmie Korsh?
- College intern!
- Hi, Jimmie, I'm Jack Gallo.
- Oh, Mr. Gallo, sir, it's
an honor to meet you.
Someday I hope to be a
magazine publisher just like you.
- Fantastic!
Keep him away from me.
- So, Jimmie, um,
you're a little older
for a college intern.
- Yeah, I had to work
to put my four older
brothers through school.
I spent the last
27 years working
for the highway department.
- Oh, what a huge sacrifice!
What did you do?
- Well, you know when
you see a dead animal
on the side of the highway
and the next day it's gone?
It didn't get better.
- Okay.
Well, I'm Maya and I'm
going to be your mentor
while you're here at Blush.
I thought we'd start
with some filing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, slow down, sweetheart!
- First of all, yes, I
would like some coffee.
- Uh, Jimmie, I don't think
that's a appropriate way
to address your boss.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
it's, I'm so nervous.
This is a big
opportunity for me.
I'm just a little
uncomfortable about my age.
- Oh, nobody is gonna
judge you about that.
The people around
here are very sensitive.
- Hey, Grandpa, listen.
- Make me a couple of copies
and try not to break a hip
while you're doing it, all right?
- Oh, Jack, planning this
wedding is driving me crazy.
- Well, I'd be happy to help.
I do have a pretty
cutting-edge sense of style,
what with running a
major fashion magazine.
What, Blush?
- No offense, Jack, but this
magazine's sense of style is,
a little outdated.
- You're the fashion editor!
- And whose fault is that, hmm?
- Elliot!
- Father Vincent?
What a wonderful surprise!
What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm taking
over Saint Adrian's.
It's in the neighborhood,
so I thought I'd drop in.
- I haven't seen you in years.
- How've you been?
- Good.
And by good, I mean,
moral, and pious, and godly.
- Hey, Elliot,
for the bikini shoot,
should I ice my nipples?
I, I don't know what
she's talking about!
Yes.
- So, what church
do you attend now?
- Oh, actually, I'm between
churches at the moment, Father.
- Well, I'm starting
up a bible study group,
if you'd like to join.
- Would I!?
If there's a bible,
I'm studying it!
- Wonderful.
First lesson is tonight.
That's awesome!
This is great!
God is cool!
- Finch, what have
I gotten myself into?
- You mean with this priest?
- Oh, he's more
than just a priest.
He practically raised me.
He's more of a dad to
me than my own dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- He taught me how to throw
a ball and tie a fish hook.
He gave me my first camera.
- Hmm.
- And all he asked
for me in return
is that I be a good Catholic.
- Hmm.
- How can I tell Father Vincent
what kind of guy I've become?
I don't wanna go to
some bible study class.
I just can't bear
to let him down.
Hey, man, I'm
here for you, dude.
- So, item number
three on the agenda...
- Sorry I'm late.
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
How are ya?
Jimmie Korsh, college intern.
- And may I say, that being
in these plush surroundings
with you fine people, this
is like a dream come true.
- For me, too.
- Now, I was thinking
for our double issue,
we would do a feature
on the history of the bikini.
- I like it, Jack, I like it.
I think we can do better.
- I'm confused, he seems to
have power, who do I side with?
- You know, Jimmie,
for your first meeting,
you might wanna adopt
more of a listening posture.
- Yeah, in other words,
Pops, take out your teeth,
crank up the Miracle
Ear, and fantasize
about Angela
Lansbury, all right?
- Anyway, uh...
I thought we'd do
interviews with some
of the top models
from the sixties.
- Bo-ring.
- Maya?
- I'll talk to him.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Finally!
- Well.
I went to Father Vincent's
bible study class last night,
and it was horrible.
- Oh, I can imagine.
The bible doesn't address any
of the moral dilemmas I face.
- For example, you're
at the summer home
of a washed-up movie producer.
There's a dead
hooker in the pool.
- You figure her
bracelet's gonna end up
in the filter anyway, I...
- What would Jesus do?
- The bible part isn't
so bad, but the school...
The school is filled
with these beautiful,
innocent, religious women.
- So use your Cain, you're Abel.
- I can't!
It would devastate
Father Vincent
if I started scamming
on his flock.
- Well, then, forget about it.
I mean, you're with
models all the time.
- I know, but there's something
of the forbidden
about these women.
The way they sit
there, taunting me
with their button-up sweaters
and the sensible shoes
and their old world
manners, "may I, please ..."
I mean, I'm just a man!
- Elliot, I need some help.
- You're in no
shape to work, pal.
Let me handle this one, yeah.
- Come on, baby.
- I don't know what to
do about the centerpieces
for the wedding, I don't
want anything too bulky.
- It's simple, we go
with the slender vases.
- Brilliant.
- Hello, beautiful!
Hello, Jack!
Oh, I don't mean to imply
that you're not, beautiful,
Jack, it's just that
society doesn't allow men
to, uh, comment on each
other's physical appearance.
So the fact that I do find
you physically attractive
will remain unsaid.
- Which is perhaps for the best.
- I'll be ready
in just a minute,
we're going over
china for the reception.
- Oh, lovely, I'll just sit here
and look at you adoringly.
- So, what do you think of
this plate with platinum trim?
- Very nice, classy.
- Yeah, I thought we
could tie it all together
with red napkins.
- Great touch!
- Actually, I prefer
white napkins.
- Darling, I don't think
that's gonna work.
Um, I thought when people
came in, into the foyer,
- No, I'm serious, I
want white napkins.
- Well, that's not gonna
fit with the whole tableau
we're presenting.
- Don't try and confuse me,
with your funny French phrases.
I know what I want and
I want white napkins.
- Simon, I think you're
being a bit unreasonable.
- Oh, so the ugliness comes out!
- Bad little Simon,
put him in the corner
and paddle his bum.
Nobody wants to listen
to what he has to say!
No pudding for him today!
- Jimmie, I wanted
to talk to you
about what happened
in that meeting.
- Yeah, and I
wanted to talk to you!
What's with dissing me
in front of the whole crew?
- What!?
- Look, I understand
you're threatened, but...
- I'm not threatened by you!
- Well, you should be.
I read your articles.
Somebody, light a match!
- Okay, that's it, who the
hell do you think you are?
You are a middle-aged intern!
Is there any bigger
loser on Earth?
I don't think so!
You're rude, you're
lazy, and for the record,
intern is not spelled with a U!
- Wow.
- Sorry, it just had to be said.
- No, no, you're right.
I'm a total failure.
- Now, I wouldn't go that far.
- Look at me.
I've got no job, no direction.
I'm a 45-year-old
college freshman.
Last week at a party,
I threw out my back
carrying up a keg!
- In all fairness, you
haven't had any advantages.
I mean, you grew up poor.
- No I didn't!
My family is loaded!
- You lied about being poor?
- I had to in order
to get this internship.
I've been kicked
out of all the others.
For some reason, I rub
people the wrong way.
- I might as well
just eat until I'm fat,
and I mean Brando fat.
- Look.
We got off to a bad start.
I believe that everyone
deserves a second chance.
So, what do you
say we start over?
- You're a good person, Maya.
Meeting you could be a
real turning point for me.
- Well, that's nice to hear.
Now come on, I'll buy you lunch.
- Oh, please, I've got
more money than God.
We'll go halvsies.
- After these things,
I heard a great voice
of much people in
heaven, saying, Hallelujah!
And God said, "Amen."
I say to you,
there is no one who
has given up house
or brothers or sisters
or mother or father,
or children, or
land, for my sake,
or for the sake of the gospel,
who will not receive a
hundred times more now
in this present day,
hundreds of brothers
and sisters and mothers
and children and lands,
with persecutions...
- Elliot.
Elliot.
Elliot.
- Elliot!
Elliot, do you want
to be included?
- Of course!
I want to feel the warm
embrace of the lord.
- We're taking a coffee order!
Now I'd like to discuss
the book of Matthew.
- Hey, god-lovers,
any room at the inn?
- Of course, my son, there's
always room for one more.
- All right!
Oh, scooch, make way, ha ha.
- Ooh, you must have sneezed,
because God blessed you.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here to rock my soul
in the bosom of Abraham,
and anyone else who
might be interested.
- Father Vincent,
this man is a fraud.
He's not religious.
In fact, he's never set foot
inside a church his entire life.
- My name is Dennis
Finch and I am a sinner.
- I've spent my
whole life indulging
in pleasures of the flesh.
And I've gotten
pretty good at it.
- But it's time to
turn my life around.
And that's why I'm here tonight.
Save me!
- Oh!
- Oh, Dennis, you really
seem to enjoy talking
about the Lord.
- Oh, I love the Lord.
All the lords.
The one of the Rings,
the one of the Dance,
the ten that are
always a-leaping.
- Could you get
me a glass of water?
- Tap or holy?
- You having fun?
- Actually, no.
- Mm-hmm.
- All we do is read scripture.
And there's so much
sex, she's begetting him,
he's begetting her,
and I be getting nothing.
- Mm-hmm, because she's
a nice girl and you're scum,
so for once, you lose.
- Here's your water.
- Aye.
You know, you really seem
dedicated to finding salvation.
- Oh, I am, I'm
so committed to it.
- That's what I was afraid of.
- What?
- Well, you see, I've
been a good girl all my life.
But when I saw you
walk in that classroom,
I thought, now here's
a guy who will help me
unleash fifteen years of
pent-up sexual frustration.
Sorry.
- But I guess I was wrong.
- No!
No, you're not wrong.
I'm a lying, horny bastard.
- This whole thing
was just a scam
to get in your pants anyway.
Really?
- Yeah!
I mean, would a
pious man do this?
- Why do you let him win?
- Simon will not let this
white napkin thing go,
he sulked around
the apartment all night,
I don't know what to do.
- Nina, you're
too close to this.
I'll talk to him, mark my words,
you will have your red napkins.
- Aw, Jack, I can
always come to you
with the thorniest of problems.
Quick question.
You find a bracelet
at a pool party.
- Jimmie is driving me crazy.
I took him out to dinner,
and now I can't get rid of him.
He told me his whole life
story, hopes, dreams, fears,
and then I get home
and there's, like,
thirty messages on my machine.
- You want my advice?
Stop being so nice!
God, you are so afraid
that people won't like you
that you make
yourself a doormat.
It's pathetic!
- How dare you!
- What, that's all you've got?
- You arrogant,
condescending bitch!
- I love that energy.
- You are annoying
and impatient.
- Okay, dear, you
peaked at "bitch."
- Maya, Maya, it's me.
- Oh, I'm glad you're
here, we've gotta talk.
- But before we do, I wanna
introduce you to somebody.
Somebody very dear to me.
- Helen Korsh, Jimmie's mother.
- It's nice to meet you.
- I'm so glad he finally
has a nice girlfriend.
- What?
Ma?
She's not my girlfriend.
Yet.
- Okay, I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.
- Oh, come on, step
over there by her.
I want to take a picture of you.
- No, Ma, no-no-no-no-no.
- No, come on!
- No, Mom, now you're
embarrassing me.
- I want to take a picture!
- Ma, okay.
Don't boss me
around, will you please?
- You live under my
roof, you go by my rules!
- I can't take this anymore!
- Oh?
- I hate you!
- Oh!
- I hate you, I hate you!
- Well, you're his
girlfriend, for God's sake!
Go talk to him!
- I should have picked a
Latino kid from the Bronx.
- The rectory carwash is
Sunday, remember, girls.
T-shirts and shorts,
we're gonna be getting wet
and soapy for the Lord!
Will you grab my
windbreaker, baby?
Mm.
- You know, you're despicable.
- See that?
That's Mary Elizabeth's
friend, Mary Catherine.
She wants to know you, buddy.
She wants to know you
'til you can't know no more.
- Don't do this to me.
- I'm telling you,
man, these girls,
they're so repressed.
Look at her.
She's a beautiful, ripe apple.
You've gotta reach
out and pluck her.
- You know you want to.
You know you need to.
- Do it.
- I found it.
- Hey, all right.
- Hi, Mary Catherine.
- Hello, Elliot.
- Like your sweater.
- Thank you, my
grandmother made it for me.
I have a matching
set of mittens.
- Oh my god, I can't
take this anymore.
- Me either!
- Oh my!
- She made me.
- Hey, thanks for
coming by, Mate.
Can I call you Mate?
- Sure, can I call you Jocko?
- I don't need to call you Mate.
- Anyway.
We got a little problem.
Nina really wants
the red napkins.
- I don't give a toss
about the napkins.
- Then why are you making
such a big deal about this?
- Because I asked for one
thing and she dismissed me.
And it's a bad precedent,
going into a marriage,
not being heard.
- I suppose...
Well, look, you know
how women can be.
I start out giving
in on the napkins.
The next thing you know,
she's telling me what to eat,
how to dress, where
to go on holiday...
- When you can play golf,
what to name your daughter.
Maya.
What are we, Aztecs?
- I mean, I don't know
how your wives treated you,
but I don't wanna end
up losing my identity,
my dignity, or my manhood.
- We're going
with white napkins.
- But I...
- No buts.
We say so, and that
should be enough for you.
- Dad, why are you shouting?
- You stay out of this, Edna.
- Edna?
- If it was good enough
for your grandmother,
it's good enough for you.
- Simon, please,
about the napkins, I...
- Well, I don't... See,
the truth is, Love,
I don't really care
about the napkins.
I just wanted to be heard.
- I am so sorry, Darling.
I guess I just got so caught
up in the wedding that I,
I will never ignore you again.
- That's all I needed.
And I want you to
have the red napkins.
- It's too late, I already
canceled the red napkins
so you could have
the white ones.
- Oh my god, this is
like The Gift of the Magi,
except we have lots of
money and lots of hair.
- I can't believe
you're dating this guy.
- I'm not dating him!
I have made it very clear
that we're just friends.
- There's my special girl!
Roses for the rose,
sweets for the sweet.
- Jimmie, these
candies are for diabetics.
- Yeah, I got them from
my mother's drawer.
Here, you need any insulin?
- Lose him, lose him, now.
- You know, Jimmie, I really
appreciate the attention,
and you're very nice, but...
- What.
- Well, I...
- Oh, for God's sakes!
Okay, here's the deal.
Maya, in spite of her
flaws, is quite a catch,
whereas you, oh, you
are not even in her league.
You pampered,
obnoxious tower of failure.
Now, get out!
- Oh my god.
- Jimmie, I'm sorry,
Nina didn't mean...
- That is some fiery habanero!
- I've gotta get
me a piece of that!
- I'm gonna need these.
- Sorry about what
happened in here, Father.
I joined the bible study
because I didn't want
to disappoint you, and I
went and I did exactly that.
- Elliot, we all
struggle, we all stray.
The important
thing is, you're here,
and I know you're a good person.
- Thank you, Father.
- Oh, by the way,
your friend, Finch,
won't be coming around anymore.
The Monsignor walked in on him
filming some sort
of bogus car wash.
He's a piece of work, that one.
- Well, we can only hope
he finds God in his own way.
- Shalom, ladies!
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you