Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 18 - Son of a Preacher Man - full transcript

Simon's parents arrive to meet with Nina. Elliot rents an apartment next to Jack. Finch takes a peek at Jack's will.

- This concludes the
Stanbury Building's

Seventh Floor Owners
Association meeting,

Chairman Jack Gallo presiding.

- Do we have to be so formal?

- No we don't, actually.

Uh, how's this?

Party's over Grandma, shoo!

- A final note.

I know some of you are upset

that I always call these
meetings in my office,

so to show that I listen, next
month we'll meet at my club.

Oh, Weinstein,

you might want to sign in
the guestbook as Wilson,

you know, for a goof.

- Are we going to discuss
the vacancy in apartment 713?

- Let's not bring that up again.

You don't want your
Monday pills to end up

in the Wednesday slot.

- So there's an apartment
available in your building?

Man, I would kill
to get in there.

- Look

Elliot, the 713 is
right next to my place,

and I know you and
your bohemian lifestyle,

the parties, the crazy models...

- Jack, I promise, you
won't even know I'm there.

- You know, they're gonna
want a year's rent in advance.

- Well, why? You're my boss.

Can't you just tell them that
I have steady employment?

- I'm not comfortable with that.

- Is, uh, Nina here?

- Oh yeah, yeah,
she's Hey, by the way,

thanks for the invite to
the engagement party.

As my gift, because
I love you kids,

I'll be happy to DJ the event.

- Who are you again?

- Good. Seriously, I do a
whole Star Wars theme.

Check out my C-3PO,

"Oh dear, oh dear, Master Luke,

let's put on some
ass-busting grooves."

- Well, well, well.
What a lovely surprise.

- Oh, good news.

My parents are flying in
from England for our party.

- Well, that's wonderful.

- Oh, it's gonna be great.

By the way,

I may have mentioned that
you were raised in a convent.

- What?

- Yeah, and then
you were a nanny

for some adorable
Austrian children.

You taught them how to sing,
you hid them from the Nazis.

Well, they're a wee
bit conservative.

My parents, not the
Nazis... well, they are too.

- You know what?

I am not gonna pretend
to be someone else.

I am not a nun,

and my life is not something
out of The Sound of Music.

- All right, you're
a busty paralegal

who discovers that
the chemical company

has been putting
something in the water supply

and you're gonna
do something about it.

- Elliot, welcome
to the building.

- Thanks Jack.

- Listen, now that we're
next-door neighbors,

it's an opportunity for
us to get much closer.

- Yes it is.

- I don't want that.

The operative word
here is "boundaries."

- Jack, where do you want these?

- What's going on?

- I went to Costco today,

and I went a little
crazy on the relish.

Mind if I keep a couple
of drums over here?

- The place is kind
of small as it is.

- Hey, hey, whoa.

This guy bends over
backwards to get you in here

and you can't be
a little neighborly?

- Come one, I thought
neighborly was like,

you know, "Can I
borrow some eggs?"

- Ooh! Eggs! Dennis!

- Yep! And he's
got a pound cake.

- Yep! Take that too.

- Hey, by the way, we marked
the drums, so no dipsies, 'kay?

♪ 'Cause you're my

♪ Red hot mama, red hot mama

♪ You're the one I need

♪ Red hot mama,
you're some charmer

♪ Yes indeed

- Oh my god!

- What? What's the matter?

- Well, my parents
are on the way up

and your knees are showing.

- Well, at least they're
together, that's a start.

- No, you don't understand.

They come from a tiny village.

They're churchgoing people.

- Look, you don't have
to worry about me.

I've never met
anyone I couldn't charm

with a warm smile
and a friendly hello.


- Good heavens!
It's a prostitute!

- No, no, no, Mum and Dad.

This is Nina, my fiancée.

C-c-c-c-come on in.

- I'm so sorry.

We don't have a lot of women

dressed like that
in Leland Firkin.

- Lelawhatnow?

- Leland Firkin, our village.

- Ah, right.

Well, you know,
here in New York,

I have to dress with
cutting-edge style.

You see, I'm in
the fashion industry.

- Simon said you worked
with small children.

- Well, who do you
think makes this stuff?

May I-may I take your coats?

- So you must be very
excited about getting married.

- Oh well, you know what they
say: seventh time's the charm.

♪ The hills are alive
with the sound of music

♪ I confess that you possess

♪ The sweetest charms in town

♪ And unless I miss my guess

♪ The boys all follow you around

♪ You make a music
master drop his fiddle

♪ Bald-headed man
part his hair in the middle

♪ Red hot mama, red hot mama

♪ Sweetest gal in town, uh-huh

- Man, I feel like a hot dog.

- Hey, buddy.

I guess Jack wants a hot dog.

I'm gonna grab some relish.

♪ Bo bo bo, red hot
mama, red hot mama,

♪ You're what I need

Song's stuck in my head,
dude. It's good though.

♪ Red hot mama, you're a charmer

Oh, dude. You know
what, you can keep that.

♪ A bald-headed man
part his hair in the middle

♪ Red hot mama, red hot mama

- Simon's parents
are driving me crazy.

They are so judgmental.

And Simon just
goes along with it.

He's just like this
little boy around them.

- A lot of adults cannot get
past the parent-child dynamic.

It's tragic really.

- Hey, Princess.

- Hi, Daddy!

Well, you only have to get
through a few more days.

- Yeah, if I don't
kill them first.

Oh my god!

They expect me to
cook for them tonight.

You don't cook!

- I don't even eat.

All right, you gotta help me.

Please, these people are dull,

long-winded, and
sexually repressed.

You'll fit right in.

- Jack, look I was just hoping

we could lay some ground rules,

you know, for living
next to each other.

You know, boundaries.

- If you don't like the Stansbury,
you're welcome to leave.

- But I just gave up my place

and put down a
whole year's rent.

I mean, can't you just
do me a little favor here?

- I already have!

There were people on the
board who didn't want you.

They thought you
were arrogant, noisy,

and unsure of
your own sexuality.

- Why would they think that?

- I might have
mentioned something.

- I'm your new neighbor, Elliot.

- Look DiMauro, we
don't have much time.

There's a small group
of us on the seventh floor

who have been waiting
to stand up to the man

whose name shall
not be mentioned.

- You mean Jack Gallo?

- Sssssh!

At the meeting
tomorrow, this petty man,

we'll call him Mr. X...
- You mean Jack.

- What is wrong with you?!

He's gonna propose that
the hallway be painted gold.

I feel that wheat is a
more appropriate color.

Are you with me?

- Can I see some sample chips?

- Well, I know that
decorating issues

are very important to
men with your proclivities...

but it's not about the paint.

It's about putting
this man in his place.

- Dammit, I'm in.

Uh, wait wait wait! We are
talking about Jack, right?

- Oh! Idiot!

- Could everybody look away?

Audrey needs to dab her mouth.

- Finished.

- So Simon, who d'you
think we met the other day

bicycling on her way to church?

Little Mary Margaret Pim.

- Oh, I haven't seen her
since we were teenagers.

- And her child-bearing
hips are still very sturdy.

- And untouched.

- Is it just me, or does
she sound like a lesbian?

- So, London to New York,

that's quite a hop
across the pond, eh?

- What is that you're doing?

- Oh, it's my cute
British accent.

People say I'm so good,
they think I'm from England.

'Ello, Guv'nor, pip-pip
and 'ow's the queen?

- Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Leeds, uh,

you must be aching to get back

to that charming village of


- It'll be nice to be home.

But we'll be back shortly.

Our Simon is buying
us a flat in New York.

- Mm, smashing!

- Shut up! Simon...

- Mum and Dad decided
they wanted to be closer to us.

- We thought Simon needed
a stable influence close by.

Especially at this time.

- Our boy makes a lot of
decisions he later regrets.

- When you're
looking for a place,

make sure it's suitable
for our little dog Cecil.

He likes small, dark
spaces with little or no traffic.

- In that case,

maybe you should just take
that little dog and shove it...

Who wants some tea?

- Too much excitement.

I'm going to lie down.

- What are you doing?

- Your parents are
walking all over me.

Why don't you talk to them?

- Just give it time.

They'll warm up to
you, I promise you.

- Okay, but you're the
only person in the world

I would do this for.

They are the most judgmental,

prudish people I have ever met.

- I'm so sorry that this dinner

didn't turn out
quite as planned.

- Oh, that's
perfectly all right.

I'm a much bigger
fan of... dessert.

- Oh, sorry I'm late.

My in-laws dragged me to church

and there was a bit of a scene.

Apparently you're
supposed to sip the wine,

which, in my defense,

was not explained to me
by the man in the funny hat.

- Listen Nina, something
weird happened last night.

Simon's father
made a move on me.

- Oh my god!

So how was he in bed?

- I didn't sleep with him!

- It doesn't matter.

I mean, the point is
the man is a hypocrite,

and once I throw
that in this face,

he is gonna have to back off.

- No, don't do anything.

I'm not 100% sure.

It was just sort of a feeling.

- What?!

Well, that's not gonna help me!

I need hard evidence!

Would it have killed
you to hop on pop?

All right, look, look,
tonight at the party,

just dangle the merchandise
and try to, you know,

pull him in.

- I'm not comfortable with that.

I don't dangle!

I'm not a dangler!

- Maya please, when
you dated that guy Chris,

I slept with his father.

- I didn't ask you do that!

- And that's my point.

You didn't have to.

- Hey Jack, you want to see me?

- Hey buddy, come on in.

Let's talk about the
gold hallway situation.

- Oh I see.

I'm the swing vote, so
suddenly you're my best friend.

Well, forget it!

You bully me and everyone
else in that building,

and it's time for you to lose.

- What if I told you I'd
stop playing the banjo?

- Too little, too late.

- What if I got you one
of those parking spaces

right next to the door?

- Oh please. Those
spots are handicapped.

- Yes they are!

- No no! This isn't about
perks, it's about respect.

- I can make that
happen. Dennis!

- Now?

- Now.

- Have you been working out?

You look like you've
lost some weight.

- He's willing to say
that in front of people.

Give him another one.

- You know, around the office,

all the ladies call
you "Love Machine."


- Rest of the board
is on their way up.

- Excellent!

- Elliot, you really know
how to satisfy a woman.

- You, my friend, have
chosen the right team.

- Oh my god! He got to you.

- No! No he hasn't, I just
happen to like the color gold.

- You know, with Weinstein
on board, you're the swing vote.

If you vote wheat,
everyone will follow.

- But that's not my problem.

- There are a few moments
in life that define who you are.

Who do you want
to be, Mr. DiMauro?

A man of principle
and conviction,

or Jack Gallo's spineless,
whimpering bitch?

- All right people. File in.

Come along. Step lively.

Okay, first order of business.

We have to decide
on a hallway color.

Is it gonna be
tasteful, elegant gold?

Or that dirty bastard
child of beige, wheat?

- All right, though I know
this is just a formality,

all those in favor of wheat,
stand and be counted.

- I'm Elliot DiMauro
and I like wheat.

Who's with me?

Yes! We win.

From now on,

things are gonna be different
on the seventh floor, Jack.

Your days of steamrolling
people are over.

- I only count four.

- Weinstein, stand up.

Come on, Weinstein!

- People change, DiMauro.

I like gold.

- Weinstein.

- Hm?

- You really know
how to satisfy a woman.

- Hey Simon, congrats
on the engagement.

- Oh thanks, mate.

- Listen, word around campus is

the parents are
a little uptight.

I'm packing some
watermelon schnapps

if you need a little
sneaky peak later, all right?

Ooh, there's a man's drink.

- Maya, good.

Are you ready to
hit on the old man?

- Just relax and
leave it to little mama.

- Don't say, "little mama."

- Hello Mr. Leeds.

- Oh hello, Miss Gallo.

- You know, standing
there by that cheese plate,

you remind me of a movie star.

- I find most movies
to be violent filth.

- Do you like cheese?

- Yes.

- Okay, let's talk
about that then.

You know, men are like cheese.

Some are mild.

Some are sharp.

But at the end of the day,

you're never sorry they
end up on your cracker.

- Right.

- I'm sorry, but that guy's gay.

- Oh great, so this is
all a total waste of time?

These people are going
to make my life a living hell,

and there's nothing
I can do about it?

God, you know, I finally
find the perfect man,

and his parents turn out to be

the most pious people on earth.

They're saints.

They don't drink, they don't
smoke, they don't swear.

I have no idea where
Simon came from,

because I guarantee you,

those two stiffs
have never had sex.

- Oooh-hoo-hoo!

We got a situation.

Your mother-in-law just jammed
her tongue down my throat.


- Yeah, apparently she
and the old man like to swing,

and they wanna make a club
sandwich with me and little Maya.

I knew it! How do
we handle this?

- It's a tough call.

Do we leave the party with
them, or meet them at the hotel?

- Okay you two.

Game over.

I know what you're up
to with Maya and Finch.

- I couldn't help myself.

The lad's yummy.

- Where you do get off
judging Simon and me.

You are such hypocrites.

- Come on, most mums and dads

hide a few peccadilloes
from their children.

- You're trying to
nail all our friends!

- Look, please don't tell Simon.

He's such a sweet, innocent boy.

It would shatter him.

- Of course I am
not gonna tell Simon.

He is the love of my life.

I would never do
anything to hurt him.

But from now
on, here's the drill.

First, you find me delightful.

Second, I drink whenever I want.

And third, I know you
come from some little village,

but here in America we
do not have sex with Finch.

- Nina, I saw you
talking to my parents.

They're not giving you
a hard time, are they?

- No, it's nothing.

They just didn't think there
was enough on the dessert tray.

- Right. That's it,
I'm sick of their crap.

- What's the matter
with you two?

I've just heard about
your discussion with Nina,

and I'm appalled
at your behavior!

- Simon, you don't understand.

- No, I've been silent too long!

What's the matter Dad,
one tart not enough for you?

And Mum! You'll grab
anything as long as it has nuts!

- Fine, it's out on the table.

Simon, your mother and
I have an open marriage.

- You mean you sleep
with other people?

- Well, it's that damned
village; there's nothing to do.

- So you have no choice but
to bounce from bed to bed?

- Well, if only we had a
Blockbuster's or a Barnes & Noble.

- I can't believe it.

I don't even want to
look at you right now.

- Simon, Simon, wait.

They have their flaws,
we have our flaws.

But maybe it's for the best

that all of this is
out in the open.

- All right, fine.

If you want honesty, my adult
life has consisted of orgies,

drug abuse, and random
acts of hotel vandalism.

And as we speak, I'm wearing
a pair of Nina's underpants.

Oh! Son!

- Poppy!

- There's a sexual position
you can learn on the Internet,

called "the Van Horn."

- Ooh, that-that's you?

- Hmm, you know, deep down,

all families are
really the same.

It's like Tolstoy wrote
in Anna Karenina...

- Yeah yeah yeah.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you