Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 14 - Rivals in Romance - full transcript

- Finch, what are
you donating for the

Blush charity auction?

- This year, in
the spirit of giving,

I'm donating a night of
sexual healing with D. Finch.

There's going to be
a little ah, a little oh,

a little ooh, and
then a little...

- We have a major problem.

Tate Gittling has
moved his auction to

the same night as ours.

- The publisher of Pout
Magazine raises cash for kids.

- This is terrible.

He's gonna to take our
guests, cut into our donations.

- Dammit, this auction
is our one chance

to give something back
while getting free publicity

and a huge tax deduction.

- For the kids.

- Right.

Oh, absolutely, love the kids.

- Why would Gittling
pull a stunt like this?

- Because the man
copies everything I do.

First, he publishes Pout,
a weak imitation of Blush.

And now he's
ripping off my auction.

- Well, actually,
it's the kids' auction.

- Right, obviously, the kids.

The man is my nemesis.

- Yes, that means super-enemy.

Like the Riddler,
or Doctor Doom,

or Joel Egan, that mocking
butt-face from my day camps.

- What are you gonna do, Jack?

- No choice, cancel the auction.

- No, don't.

If we're both having auctions,

let's just co-sponsor
with Gittling.

- Great idea.

If I co-sponsor, I
look magnanimous.

And if he declines, he'll
look like some kind of jerk.

This is the perfect
way to zetz the bastard.

- Plus we'll even raise
more money for the kids.

- Okay, do they have you
on retainer, or something?

- Elliot, do you have something
to donate for the auction?

- Yes I do.

- Spend a day
with Elliot DiMauro.

- Yep, the lucky winner will
spend the entire day with me,

doing the things that I
do in this high-octane

glamorous world of
fashion photography.

I even got a slogan.

- The best day of your
life may not be today,

but it could be DiMauro.

Come on, what do you really got?

- Hey.

Hey, there are plenty
of people out there

who would give their eyeteeth

to spend a few precious
moments with me.

- Like who, your mother?

- For one!

- Every day, I am more
and more embarrassed

that I let you lay on top of me.

Oh, Nina, do you think that
Simon might donate something

for the auction?

- Oh, you can ask him
yourself, he's right here.

- Oh, I don't know,
he's a famous rockstar

and every time I'm around
him I just yammer on

and he probably
thinks I'm an idiot.

- Oh, Maya, don't be silly,
he never listens to you.

- Hi, darling.

Hello, Maya.

- How's the Queen Mum?

- She's dead.

- Anyway, I was wondering
if there was something

that you could possibly
donate for our charity auction?

- Oh, maybe I could
give you a guitar.

- Oh my god, a guitar?

- Or perhaps the one I
used on Bone Master.

- Bone Master?

- And I have decided to
donate the famous dress I wore

on my first Vogue cover.

- Neat.

Do you think that you
could come with me

and fill out a donation form?

- Fine, lead on.

- Oh, lead on.

- Oh my god, that's the
dress from your Vogue shoot.

- Mm-hmm.

- Is everything all right?

- I don't know.

I mean, don't get me
wrong, Simon is great,

but I'm just kinda used to
being the famous person

in a relationship and
when I'm with him,

well, sometimes when
we're together I feel small

and inconsequential.

You know, like you.

- Well, you gotta
try and get past this,

otherwise it'll
mess you guys up.

- Believe me, I know
how to handle this.

You know, whenever
something upsets me,

I simply smile through
it very naturally like so.

See, I'm seething with rage
and yet I portray nothing.


- What's wrong?

- I think I'm locked.

- Tate is on his way up.

- Ah.

- FYI, I did a few things
to give you the edge.

First, I filed down
his chair a few inches

so you'll appear to be a giant.

Secondly, I powdered your shorts

to prevent any
unsightly sweating.

- Mm.

Good thinking.

Now remember, stay sharp.

Gittling will stop at nothing

to humiliate me
and this magazine.

- Got it.

- Ah.

- Gallo, good to see you.

- Gittling, likewise.

My assistant, Dennis Finch.

- My assistant, Bridget Manning.

- Sir, I think we should leave.

First, Gallo's office is
not a neutral location,

and secondly, they
filed down the furniture

to make you look dwarfish.

- Liar!

I've never seen such
a preposterous lie.

- Dennis, don't be rude.

Why don't you and
Bridget get us some coffee?

Stick him with the
powdered creamer.

- Your boss is bloated,
what are you feeding him?

- A high-protein diet.

He ran a 10K this morning.

- Mine wheeled his chair to
the window, so suck on that.

- First thing's first.

To avoid petty competition,
let's agree to donate

the same amount of money,
say 100 grand a piece.

- Any amount of money
is all right with me,

because it's all about the kids.

And no one is more
needy than Tate's Tots.

- Except, of course,
Gallo's Gang.

- Many of the Tots have rickets.

- Most of the Gang is blind.

- Wait a minute,
are you sticking me

with powdered creamer while
your man gets the half and half?

- You're paranoid.

- Then why is yours
rich and creamy

while mine's full of
flecks and floaties?

- Hey, sister, if you
can't stir vigorously,

it's not my problem.

- Do you ever wonder
why we care so much

about the petty requests
of two aging millionaires?

- No, never.

- Come on, on call 24 hours
a day, seven days a week...

- Christmas, New Year's...

- Tell me about it.

When's the last time
you saw the ball drop?

- Six years ago.

He was stepping
out of the locker room

after a game of squash.

- I meant the ball
in Times Square.

- I know, but I've been
carrying that around.

I thought you'd understand.

- Do you ever have
the murder fantasies?

- Constantly, how does your die?

- I throw him out
of a rollercoaster.


- Strangle him with his vest.

- Let's talk about
the closing remarks.

I thought I'd be gracious
and let you go first.

- Oh I see, so I
can open for you

and you get the final spotlight.

- I knew it, you don't
care about the charity.

All you care about
is appearances.

- I don't give a damn
about appearances.

- Are you wearing makeup?

- A little, yes.

- You know what's amazing?

I've never met anyone
that gets me the way you do.

- I know.

It's sad we can't see each
other, Tate would be furious.

- Jack would paddle me.

- 'Cause it's
strictly forbidden.

- Mm, like the Lambada.

It's dangerous.

- Taboo.

- Oh.

- I can't stand another minute
around this pompous gasbag.

- Big words from a man who
has makeup all over his head.

- I have a cranial birthmark,
it freaks people out.

And you're not fooling
anyone with that talcum powder.

Bridget, let's go.

- We've got to find
a way to screw them.

- Yes we do.

- So, Maya was really excited

about that guitar you gave her.

- Oh, anything for you, my love.

God, what do you have to do to
get some service around here?

- Oh, all you had to do was ask.

- God, you could play the
harpsichord with those toes.

- Oh my god, you're Simon Leeds.

I'm your biggest fan.

Would you mind?

- No, no, no problem, mate.

- How can you stand
all that fawning?

- Oh, it's brutal.

You're so lucky you
don't have to put up with it.

- And what are you saying,
that I'm not a celebrity?

- No, no no no, you're a
very well-known personality.

- Oh, I get it.

You're saying that I'm
past it, my star has faded,

that next to you, I'm nothing.

- Darling, your
nostrils are flaring.

I think I can see your brain.

- Don't dodge the issue.

If you think I'm a has-been,

then why don't you
just come out and say it?

- Who feels like
wrecking a sports car?

- All right, that's it.

I will not sit here and
patronized by you.

I am an A-list celebrity
and I will prove it to you.

Hey, you, who am I?

- Four vodka
martinis, no olives.

- Thank you.

- Elliot.

It's me, Clark Finkle.

- Hey, Clark Finkle, from...

- Your photography class
at the learning annex.

- Oh.

- Remember?
- Right.

- Fun with Nudes.

- Yeah, you were
the guy who did the...

- Self-portraits.

Hey, I'm really excited
about the auction.

I'm gonna win that
day with DiMauro.

- Hey, you hear that?

Mr. Clark Finkle wants
to win a day with DiMauro.

- I came all the
way from Houston.

- He flew all the
way from Houston.

- Actually, I hid under a truck.

- He hid under a what now?

- Um so, Mr. Finkle, how did
you hear about the auction?

- Oh well, let's
just say, as a fan,

I keep close tabs
on Mr. Elliot DiMauro.

- Well, I hope you brought
tons of cash with you

because a lot of people
want to spend the day

in the high-octane world
of fashion photography,

but I really hope
that you get it.

- She's really sweet.

Why did you stop sleeping
with her in March of 2000?

- You're my Bridgy-widgy.

No, you're my scrumple puppy.

Okay, let's hang up
together, all right?

On three.

One, two, thr...

I didn't do it either.

- Dennis.

- Gotta go.

Hey, Jack, that was the plumber.

Hanrahan did a real
number in stall three.

It's like Vietnam down there.

- Can I see you in my office?

- You sure can.

- You're chipper.

What's going on?

- I'm not chipper.

I'm snarky and sarcastic.

Nice hair, you fat bastard.


- No, you're happy.

You got something
going with Gittling's girl.

- Oh my god, were you
listening in on my phone call?

- No, I was not.

And I don't care if you
are her little snuffle-pillow,

this ends now.

- Why?

- Because I know you.

In a moment of passion,
you'll give away all my secrets.

- Oh, what secrets?

That you're patenting
the word asstastic?

- I forbid you from seeing her.

- You can't forbid me.

- I gave you life.

- No you didn't.

Did you?

- It's her or me,
Dennis, choose.

- Oh great, I have to
give up the perfect woman

because of your petty rivalry.

- Go break it off with her.

Why are you staring at my vest?

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- I know it's dangerous,
but I just had to see you.

- Listen, I gotta
tell you something

and it's kinda
hard for me to say.

- Okay, but first I
have a present for you.

- Oh my god, a stool?

- I know what it's like to
stand behind a station all day

and you, Dennis Finch,
have stood long enough.

- Mm, you're perfect.

Let's go make out
in the janitor closet.

- Okay.

- So, things okay with Simon?

- Oh, they will be,
after the auction

when my dress sells
for more than his guitar.

- How?

He's a huge rockstar.

- Dear, this is a fashion event.

And in the world of fashion,

I am a celebrity,
a major celebrity.

And when some liquored
up drag queen stumbles

out of that room
wearing my dress, oh,

Simon is gonna give
me the respect I deserve.

- Did I just see you
kissing Gittling's assistant?

- What?

- When Jack finds
out he's gonna be all

wa-chow, wa-chow, wa-chow-ha.

- Give me a break, all right?

She's an amazing girl.

She's someone who gets me.

- Dennis, I need you to...

Why is your hair all mussed up?

- What?

It's not.

I'm doing it in dreadlocks.

Let's blaze up before
sun splash, mon.

- You know what, I think
you've been with that woman.

- No, mon, no woman, no cry.

- After I explicitly
told you not to.

- Uh.

- Oh enough, Finch,
stop covering for me.


- Yeah, I've been
behind in my work

and Finch helped
me out all morning.

- I see.

Well, I'm sorry I
doubted you, mon.

- So why didn't you rat me out?

- Because that's the first
time I've ever heard you say

something even remotely
nice about a woman.

You must really like her.

- Thanks, I do.

It feels good to talk
about it, you know?

- Yeah?

Well hey, you know,
I'm a romantic too,

so you could tell me anything.

- Okay, well first of
all, she's really dirty.

- What?

- Yeah, like filthy dirty,
and as you can imagine,

I'm pretty nasty myself.

So when we get together,
it's like two animals in a pit.

I don't even know if it's
sex, what we're doing.

- Oh wow.

- Hey, thanks for
letting me share.

It feels good to
open the heart up.

- So this is a raging success.

- Yes it is.

See what we can accomplish

when we put an end
to our childish games?

- I own two helicopters.

- I did the cocktail waitress.

- Elliot.

- Clark, you made it.

- Cash in hand.

Oh, the bidding is beginning.

I'm gonna get ya.

I'm gonna get ya.

- Maya, Maya, I can't spend
the day with Norman Bates.

Please, you have to outbid him.

I'll pay.

Whatever he writes
down, you write down more.

- Why can't you just
outbid him yourself?

- Well, I would hate
to make him angry.

- Elliot, are you scared of him?

- No, come on.


- Ms. Manning.

- Mr. Finch.

- Mm.

You were amazing this afternoon.

- You don't make
love like an assistant.

You make love like
a middle manager.

- You scream like a comptroller.

- Dennis?

- What's wrong, honey?

- Tate told me something,
something terrible,

but I can't tell you.

- Come on, I'm your little
pookie bear, remember?

- Okay, but you have to
promise not to tell Jack.

- Please, are you kidding?

I don't tell him anything.

He still thinks his mom's alive.

- Okay, Tate and Jack have
both promised to donate money,

but Tate's going
to humiliate Jack

by also volunteering to
work with the children.

- Oh my god.

Tate will look like a saint.

Jack will look like a
rich, pompous bastard.

- Remember, you promised
you wouldn't say anything.

I've gotta go.

- Hey, Nina, great news.

Your dress just sold for
more than Simon's guitar.

- Yes, I knew it.

Thank you, adoring public.

- Hello, darling.

- Listen, I should probably
tell you that my gown

fetched more than your guitar.

- Oh wow, that's great.

- Damn straight.

I guess now we know
who the true celebrity is.

- Clearly it's you, darling.

- What's that?

- It's my tongue.

- No.

My gown?

You bought my gown?

- Sometimes I
like to feel pretty?

- You bought this because
you felt sorry for me.

And the only thing more
repulsive than rockstar arrogance

is rockstar pity.

- Enough.

I didn't do this
because I pity you.

I did it because I love you.

- What?

- I said I love you.

- Simon, you've
never said that before.

- Well, I'm saying it now
and it's not something

that comes easily unless
I'm talking to a city like

I love you, Tampa, or...

You know, I'm describing
my attitude towards an item

of food like I
love cheese and...

- I love you too.

- Oh.

- Well?

- I did it, I outbid him.

- Oh thank god.

- We went right
down to the wire.

He went 100, I went 120.

He went 125, I went 130.

He went 150, I went 5,000.

- What?

- What?

The clock was ticking.

I had to pop a cap in his ass.

- Are you freaking insane?

You spent $5,000 of my money

so I could spend
the day with myself?

- Next year, I'm gonna get
ya, gonna get ya, gonna get ya.

- Worth every penny, thank you.

- I just heard something
that could humiliate Jack,

but if I tell him, I'll
be betraying Bridget.

- Well the choice
is simple, either side

with the woman of
your dreams, or suck up

to some self-centered,
power-hungry tycoon.

- Jack, I had to tell you.

- So he's gonna donate his time,

that magnificent
scene-stealing bastard.

Let me tell you something,

Gittling does not
beat me at anything.

Ladies and
gentlemen, our co-host

and generous
benefactor, Mr. Jack Gallo.

- Thank you, thank you.

It's a pleasure and a
privilege to raise money

for this worthy project.

But the kids need
more than money.

So today, I'm pledging a
month of my valuable time.

- I am just bowled over
by my colleague's show

of generosity and
his timing is perfect.

I just put in a call to the
International Relief Committee

and you'll spending that
month in our newly constructed

relief camp in Angola.

You'll love it there,
Jack, it's asstastic.

- You set me up.

How'd you know I'd betray you?

- Because you're just like me

and that's what I
would have done.

If it's any consolation,
what we had was real.

This was the hardest
thing I ever had to do.

- It's tragic.

We're drawn together
by our need to serve

yet it is that very need
that tears us apart.

- You're very
deep, Dennis Finch.

- Mm.

Listen, I pocketed
some of your underpants,

I hope that's cool.

I'm so sorry, Jack.

- No, no, Dennis,
Dennis, I'm sorry.

You're heartbroken and I
know how terrible that feels.

What you need is some time
off, to get away from everything.

Clear your head.

- You're sending me
to Angola, aren't you?

- It's for the kids,
Dennis, the kids.

- The kids.

♪ Life keeps me
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you