Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 14 - Rivals in Romance - full transcript
- Finch, what are
you donating for the
Blush charity auction?
- This year, in
the spirit of giving,
I'm donating a night of
sexual healing with D. Finch.
There's going to be
a little ah, a little oh,
a little ooh, and
then a little...
- We have a major problem.
Tate Gittling has
moved his auction to
the same night as ours.
- The publisher of Pout
Magazine raises cash for kids.
- This is terrible.
He's gonna to take our
guests, cut into our donations.
- Dammit, this auction
is our one chance
to give something back
while getting free publicity
and a huge tax deduction.
- For the kids.
- Right.
Oh, absolutely, love the kids.
- Why would Gittling
pull a stunt like this?
- Because the man
copies everything I do.
First, he publishes Pout,
a weak imitation of Blush.
And now he's
ripping off my auction.
- Well, actually,
it's the kids' auction.
- Right, obviously, the kids.
The man is my nemesis.
- Yes, that means super-enemy.
Like the Riddler,
or Doctor Doom,
or Joel Egan, that mocking
butt-face from my day camps.
- What are you gonna do, Jack?
- No choice, cancel the auction.
- No, don't.
If we're both having auctions,
let's just co-sponsor
with Gittling.
- Great idea.
If I co-sponsor, I
look magnanimous.
And if he declines, he'll
look like some kind of jerk.
This is the perfect
way to zetz the bastard.
- Plus we'll even raise
more money for the kids.
- Okay, do they have you
on retainer, or something?
- Elliot, do you have something
to donate for the auction?
- Yes I do.
- Spend a day
with Elliot DiMauro.
- Yep, the lucky winner will
spend the entire day with me,
doing the things that I
do in this high-octane
glamorous world of
fashion photography.
I even got a slogan.
- The best day of your
life may not be today,
but it could be DiMauro.
Come on, what do you really got?
- Hey.
Hey, there are plenty
of people out there
who would give their eyeteeth
to spend a few precious
moments with me.
- Like who, your mother?
- For one!
- Every day, I am more
and more embarrassed
that I let you lay on top of me.
Oh, Nina, do you think that
Simon might donate something
for the auction?
- Oh, you can ask him
yourself, he's right here.
- Oh, I don't know,
he's a famous rockstar
and every time I'm around
him I just yammer on
and he probably
thinks I'm an idiot.
- Oh, Maya, don't be silly,
he never listens to you.
- Hi, darling.
Hello, Maya.
- How's the Queen Mum?
- She's dead.
- Anyway, I was wondering
if there was something
that you could possibly
donate for our charity auction?
- Oh, maybe I could
give you a guitar.
- Oh my god, a guitar?
- Or perhaps the one I
used on Bone Master.
- Bone Master?
- And I have decided to
donate the famous dress I wore
on my first Vogue cover.
- Neat.
Do you think that you
could come with me
and fill out a donation form?
- Fine, lead on.
- Oh, lead on.
- Oh my god, that's the
dress from your Vogue shoot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is everything all right?
- I don't know.
I mean, don't get me
wrong, Simon is great,
but I'm just kinda used to
being the famous person
in a relationship and
when I'm with him,
well, sometimes when
we're together I feel small
and inconsequential.
You know, like you.
- Well, you gotta
try and get past this,
otherwise it'll
mess you guys up.
- Believe me, I know
how to handle this.
You know, whenever
something upsets me,
I simply smile through
it very naturally like so.
See, I'm seething with rage
and yet I portray nothing.
Uh-oh.
- What's wrong?
- I think I'm locked.
- Tate is on his way up.
- Ah.
- FYI, I did a few things
to give you the edge.
First, I filed down
his chair a few inches
so you'll appear to be a giant.
Secondly, I powdered your shorts
to prevent any
unsightly sweating.
- Mm.
Good thinking.
Now remember, stay sharp.
Gittling will stop at nothing
to humiliate me
and this magazine.
- Got it.
- Ah.
- Gallo, good to see you.
- Gittling, likewise.
My assistant, Dennis Finch.
- My assistant, Bridget Manning.
- Sir, I think we should leave.
First, Gallo's office is
not a neutral location,
and secondly, they
filed down the furniture
to make you look dwarfish.
- Liar!
I've never seen such
a preposterous lie.
- Dennis, don't be rude.
Why don't you and
Bridget get us some coffee?
Stick him with the
powdered creamer.
- Your boss is bloated,
what are you feeding him?
- A high-protein diet.
He ran a 10K this morning.
- Mine wheeled his chair to
the window, so suck on that.
- First thing's first.
To avoid petty competition,
let's agree to donate
the same amount of money,
say 100 grand a piece.
- Any amount of money
is all right with me,
because it's all about the kids.
And no one is more
needy than Tate's Tots.
- Except, of course,
Gallo's Gang.
- Many of the Tots have rickets.
- Most of the Gang is blind.
- Wait a minute,
are you sticking me
with powdered creamer while
your man gets the half and half?
- You're paranoid.
- Then why is yours
rich and creamy
while mine's full of
flecks and floaties?
- Hey, sister, if you
can't stir vigorously,
it's not my problem.
- Do you ever wonder
why we care so much
about the petty requests
of two aging millionaires?
- No, never.
- Come on, on call 24 hours
a day, seven days a week...
- Christmas, New Year's...
- Tell me about it.
When's the last time
you saw the ball drop?
- Six years ago.
He was stepping
out of the locker room
after a game of squash.
- I meant the ball
in Times Square.
- I know, but I've been
carrying that around.
I thought you'd understand.
- Do you ever have
the murder fantasies?
- Constantly, how does your die?
- I throw him out
of a rollercoaster.
Yours?
- Strangle him with his vest.
- Let's talk about
the closing remarks.
I thought I'd be gracious
and let you go first.
- Oh I see, so I
can open for you
and you get the final spotlight.
- I knew it, you don't
care about the charity.
All you care about
is appearances.
- I don't give a damn
about appearances.
- Are you wearing makeup?
- A little, yes.
- You know what's amazing?
I've never met anyone
that gets me the way you do.
- I know.
It's sad we can't see each
other, Tate would be furious.
- Jack would paddle me.
- 'Cause it's
strictly forbidden.
- Mm, like the Lambada.
It's dangerous.
- Taboo.
- Oh.
- I can't stand another minute
around this pompous gasbag.
- Big words from a man who
has makeup all over his head.
- I have a cranial birthmark,
it freaks people out.
And you're not fooling
anyone with that talcum powder.
Bridget, let's go.
- We've got to find
a way to screw them.
- Yes we do.
- So, Maya was really excited
about that guitar you gave her.
- Oh, anything for you, my love.
God, what do you have to do to
get some service around here?
- Oh, all you had to do was ask.
- God, you could play the
harpsichord with those toes.
- Oh my god, you're Simon Leeds.
I'm your biggest fan.
Would you mind?
- No, no, no problem, mate.
- How can you stand
all that fawning?
- Oh, it's brutal.
You're so lucky you
don't have to put up with it.
- And what are you saying,
that I'm not a celebrity?
- No, no no no, you're a
very well-known personality.
- Oh, I get it.
You're saying that I'm
past it, my star has faded,
that next to you, I'm nothing.
- Darling, your
nostrils are flaring.
I think I can see your brain.
- Don't dodge the issue.
If you think I'm a has-been,
then why don't you
just come out and say it?
- Who feels like
wrecking a sports car?
- All right, that's it.
I will not sit here and
patronized by you.
I am an A-list celebrity
and I will prove it to you.
Hey, you, who am I?
- Four vodka
martinis, no olives.
- Thank you.
- Elliot.
It's me, Clark Finkle.
- Hey, Clark Finkle, from...
- Your photography class
at the learning annex.
- Oh.
- Remember?
- Right.
- Fun with Nudes.
- Yeah, you were
the guy who did the...
- Self-portraits.
Hey, I'm really excited
about the auction.
I'm gonna win that
day with DiMauro.
- Hey, you hear that?
Mr. Clark Finkle wants
to win a day with DiMauro.
- I came all the
way from Houston.
- He flew all the
way from Houston.
- Actually, I hid under a truck.
- He hid under a what now?
- Um so, Mr. Finkle, how did
you hear about the auction?
- Oh well, let's
just say, as a fan,
I keep close tabs
on Mr. Elliot DiMauro.
- Well, I hope you brought
tons of cash with you
because a lot of people
want to spend the day
in the high-octane world
of fashion photography,
but I really hope
that you get it.
- She's really sweet.
Why did you stop sleeping
with her in March of 2000?
- You're my Bridgy-widgy.
No, you're my scrumple puppy.
Okay, let's hang up
together, all right?
On three.
One, two, thr...
I didn't do it either.
- Dennis.
- Gotta go.
Hey, Jack, that was the plumber.
Hanrahan did a real
number in stall three.
It's like Vietnam down there.
- Can I see you in my office?
- You sure can.
- You're chipper.
What's going on?
- I'm not chipper.
I'm snarky and sarcastic.
Nice hair, you fat bastard.
See?
- No, you're happy.
You got something
going with Gittling's girl.
- Oh my god, were you
listening in on my phone call?
- No, I was not.
And I don't care if you
are her little snuffle-pillow,
this ends now.
- Why?
- Because I know you.
In a moment of passion,
you'll give away all my secrets.
- Oh, what secrets?
That you're patenting
the word asstastic?
- I forbid you from seeing her.
- You can't forbid me.
- I gave you life.
- No you didn't.
Did you?
- It's her or me,
Dennis, choose.
- Oh great, I have to
give up the perfect woman
because of your petty rivalry.
- Go break it off with her.
Why are you staring at my vest?
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- I know it's dangerous,
but I just had to see you.
- Listen, I gotta
tell you something
and it's kinda
hard for me to say.
- Okay, but first I
have a present for you.
- Oh my god, a stool?
- I know what it's like to
stand behind a station all day
and you, Dennis Finch,
have stood long enough.
- Mm, you're perfect.
Let's go make out
in the janitor closet.
- Okay.
- So, things okay with Simon?
- Oh, they will be,
after the auction
when my dress sells
for more than his guitar.
- How?
He's a huge rockstar.
- Dear, this is a fashion event.
And in the world of fashion,
I am a celebrity,
a major celebrity.
And when some liquored
up drag queen stumbles
out of that room
wearing my dress, oh,
Simon is gonna give
me the respect I deserve.
- Did I just see you
kissing Gittling's assistant?
- What?
- When Jack finds
out he's gonna be all
wa-chow, wa-chow, wa-chow-ha.
- Give me a break, all right?
She's an amazing girl.
She's someone who gets me.
- Dennis, I need you to...
Why is your hair all mussed up?
- What?
It's not.
I'm doing it in dreadlocks.
Let's blaze up before
sun splash, mon.
- You know what, I think
you've been with that woman.
- No, mon, no woman, no cry.
- After I explicitly
told you not to.
- Uh.
- Oh enough, Finch,
stop covering for me.
What?
- Yeah, I've been
behind in my work
and Finch helped
me out all morning.
- I see.
Well, I'm sorry I
doubted you, mon.
- So why didn't you rat me out?
- Because that's the first
time I've ever heard you say
something even remotely
nice about a woman.
You must really like her.
- Thanks, I do.
It feels good to talk
about it, you know?
- Yeah?
Well hey, you know,
I'm a romantic too,
so you could tell me anything.
- Okay, well first of
all, she's really dirty.
- What?
- Yeah, like filthy dirty,
and as you can imagine,
I'm pretty nasty myself.
So when we get together,
it's like two animals in a pit.
I don't even know if it's
sex, what we're doing.
- Oh wow.
- Hey, thanks for
letting me share.
It feels good to
open the heart up.
- So this is a raging success.
- Yes it is.
See what we can accomplish
when we put an end
to our childish games?
- I own two helicopters.
- I did the cocktail waitress.
- Elliot.
- Clark, you made it.
- Cash in hand.
Oh, the bidding is beginning.
I'm gonna get ya.
I'm gonna get ya.
- Maya, Maya, I can't spend
the day with Norman Bates.
Please, you have to outbid him.
I'll pay.
Whatever he writes
down, you write down more.
- Why can't you just
outbid him yourself?
- Well, I would hate
to make him angry.
- Elliot, are you scared of him?
- No, come on.
Yes.
- Ms. Manning.
- Mr. Finch.
- Mm.
You were amazing this afternoon.
- You don't make
love like an assistant.
You make love like
a middle manager.
- You scream like a comptroller.
- Dennis?
- What's wrong, honey?
- Tate told me something,
something terrible,
but I can't tell you.
- Come on, I'm your little
pookie bear, remember?
- Okay, but you have to
promise not to tell Jack.
- Please, are you kidding?
I don't tell him anything.
He still thinks his mom's alive.
- Okay, Tate and Jack have
both promised to donate money,
but Tate's going
to humiliate Jack
by also volunteering to
work with the children.
- Oh my god.
Tate will look like a saint.
Jack will look like a
rich, pompous bastard.
- Remember, you promised
you wouldn't say anything.
I've gotta go.
- Hey, Nina, great news.
Your dress just sold for
more than Simon's guitar.
- Yes, I knew it.
Thank you, adoring public.
- Hello, darling.
- Listen, I should probably
tell you that my gown
fetched more than your guitar.
- Oh wow, that's great.
- Damn straight.
I guess now we know
who the true celebrity is.
- Clearly it's you, darling.
- What's that?
- It's my tongue.
- No.
My gown?
You bought my gown?
- Sometimes I
like to feel pretty?
- You bought this because
you felt sorry for me.
And the only thing more
repulsive than rockstar arrogance
is rockstar pity.
- Enough.
I didn't do this
because I pity you.
I did it because I love you.
- What?
- I said I love you.
- Simon, you've
never said that before.
- Well, I'm saying it now
and it's not something
that comes easily unless
I'm talking to a city like
I love you, Tampa, or...
You know, I'm describing
my attitude towards an item
of food like I
love cheese and...
- I love you too.
- Oh.
- Well?
- I did it, I outbid him.
- Oh thank god.
- We went right
down to the wire.
He went 100, I went 120.
He went 125, I went 130.
He went 150, I went 5,000.
- What?
- What?
The clock was ticking.
I had to pop a cap in his ass.
- Are you freaking insane?
You spent $5,000 of my money
so I could spend
the day with myself?
- Next year, I'm gonna get
ya, gonna get ya, gonna get ya.
- Worth every penny, thank you.
- I just heard something
that could humiliate Jack,
but if I tell him, I'll
be betraying Bridget.
- Well the choice
is simple, either side
with the woman of
your dreams, or suck up
to some self-centered,
power-hungry tycoon.
- Jack, I had to tell you.
- So he's gonna donate his time,
that magnificent
scene-stealing bastard.
Let me tell you something,
Gittling does not
beat me at anything.
Ladies and
gentlemen, our co-host
and generous
benefactor, Mr. Jack Gallo.
- Thank you, thank you.
It's a pleasure and a
privilege to raise money
for this worthy project.
But the kids need
more than money.
So today, I'm pledging a
month of my valuable time.
- I am just bowled over
by my colleague's show
of generosity and
his timing is perfect.
I just put in a call to the
International Relief Committee
and you'll spending that
month in our newly constructed
relief camp in Angola.
You'll love it there,
Jack, it's asstastic.
- You set me up.
How'd you know I'd betray you?
- Because you're just like me
and that's what I
would have done.
If it's any consolation,
what we had was real.
This was the hardest
thing I ever had to do.
- It's tragic.
We're drawn together
by our need to serve
yet it is that very need
that tears us apart.
- You're very
deep, Dennis Finch.
- Mm.
Listen, I pocketed
some of your underpants,
I hope that's cool.
I'm so sorry, Jack.
- No, no, Dennis,
Dennis, I'm sorry.
You're heartbroken and I
know how terrible that feels.
What you need is some time
off, to get away from everything.
Clear your head.
- You're sending me
to Angola, aren't you?
- It's for the kids,
Dennis, the kids.
- The kids.
♪ Life keeps me
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
you donating for the
Blush charity auction?
- This year, in
the spirit of giving,
I'm donating a night of
sexual healing with D. Finch.
There's going to be
a little ah, a little oh,
a little ooh, and
then a little...
- We have a major problem.
Tate Gittling has
moved his auction to
the same night as ours.
- The publisher of Pout
Magazine raises cash for kids.
- This is terrible.
He's gonna to take our
guests, cut into our donations.
- Dammit, this auction
is our one chance
to give something back
while getting free publicity
and a huge tax deduction.
- For the kids.
- Right.
Oh, absolutely, love the kids.
- Why would Gittling
pull a stunt like this?
- Because the man
copies everything I do.
First, he publishes Pout,
a weak imitation of Blush.
And now he's
ripping off my auction.
- Well, actually,
it's the kids' auction.
- Right, obviously, the kids.
The man is my nemesis.
- Yes, that means super-enemy.
Like the Riddler,
or Doctor Doom,
or Joel Egan, that mocking
butt-face from my day camps.
- What are you gonna do, Jack?
- No choice, cancel the auction.
- No, don't.
If we're both having auctions,
let's just co-sponsor
with Gittling.
- Great idea.
If I co-sponsor, I
look magnanimous.
And if he declines, he'll
look like some kind of jerk.
This is the perfect
way to zetz the bastard.
- Plus we'll even raise
more money for the kids.
- Okay, do they have you
on retainer, or something?
- Elliot, do you have something
to donate for the auction?
- Yes I do.
- Spend a day
with Elliot DiMauro.
- Yep, the lucky winner will
spend the entire day with me,
doing the things that I
do in this high-octane
glamorous world of
fashion photography.
I even got a slogan.
- The best day of your
life may not be today,
but it could be DiMauro.
Come on, what do you really got?
- Hey.
Hey, there are plenty
of people out there
who would give their eyeteeth
to spend a few precious
moments with me.
- Like who, your mother?
- For one!
- Every day, I am more
and more embarrassed
that I let you lay on top of me.
Oh, Nina, do you think that
Simon might donate something
for the auction?
- Oh, you can ask him
yourself, he's right here.
- Oh, I don't know,
he's a famous rockstar
and every time I'm around
him I just yammer on
and he probably
thinks I'm an idiot.
- Oh, Maya, don't be silly,
he never listens to you.
- Hi, darling.
Hello, Maya.
- How's the Queen Mum?
- She's dead.
- Anyway, I was wondering
if there was something
that you could possibly
donate for our charity auction?
- Oh, maybe I could
give you a guitar.
- Oh my god, a guitar?
- Or perhaps the one I
used on Bone Master.
- Bone Master?
- And I have decided to
donate the famous dress I wore
on my first Vogue cover.
- Neat.
Do you think that you
could come with me
and fill out a donation form?
- Fine, lead on.
- Oh, lead on.
- Oh my god, that's the
dress from your Vogue shoot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is everything all right?
- I don't know.
I mean, don't get me
wrong, Simon is great,
but I'm just kinda used to
being the famous person
in a relationship and
when I'm with him,
well, sometimes when
we're together I feel small
and inconsequential.
You know, like you.
- Well, you gotta
try and get past this,
otherwise it'll
mess you guys up.
- Believe me, I know
how to handle this.
You know, whenever
something upsets me,
I simply smile through
it very naturally like so.
See, I'm seething with rage
and yet I portray nothing.
Uh-oh.
- What's wrong?
- I think I'm locked.
- Tate is on his way up.
- Ah.
- FYI, I did a few things
to give you the edge.
First, I filed down
his chair a few inches
so you'll appear to be a giant.
Secondly, I powdered your shorts
to prevent any
unsightly sweating.
- Mm.
Good thinking.
Now remember, stay sharp.
Gittling will stop at nothing
to humiliate me
and this magazine.
- Got it.
- Ah.
- Gallo, good to see you.
- Gittling, likewise.
My assistant, Dennis Finch.
- My assistant, Bridget Manning.
- Sir, I think we should leave.
First, Gallo's office is
not a neutral location,
and secondly, they
filed down the furniture
to make you look dwarfish.
- Liar!
I've never seen such
a preposterous lie.
- Dennis, don't be rude.
Why don't you and
Bridget get us some coffee?
Stick him with the
powdered creamer.
- Your boss is bloated,
what are you feeding him?
- A high-protein diet.
He ran a 10K this morning.
- Mine wheeled his chair to
the window, so suck on that.
- First thing's first.
To avoid petty competition,
let's agree to donate
the same amount of money,
say 100 grand a piece.
- Any amount of money
is all right with me,
because it's all about the kids.
And no one is more
needy than Tate's Tots.
- Except, of course,
Gallo's Gang.
- Many of the Tots have rickets.
- Most of the Gang is blind.
- Wait a minute,
are you sticking me
with powdered creamer while
your man gets the half and half?
- You're paranoid.
- Then why is yours
rich and creamy
while mine's full of
flecks and floaties?
- Hey, sister, if you
can't stir vigorously,
it's not my problem.
- Do you ever wonder
why we care so much
about the petty requests
of two aging millionaires?
- No, never.
- Come on, on call 24 hours
a day, seven days a week...
- Christmas, New Year's...
- Tell me about it.
When's the last time
you saw the ball drop?
- Six years ago.
He was stepping
out of the locker room
after a game of squash.
- I meant the ball
in Times Square.
- I know, but I've been
carrying that around.
I thought you'd understand.
- Do you ever have
the murder fantasies?
- Constantly, how does your die?
- I throw him out
of a rollercoaster.
Yours?
- Strangle him with his vest.
- Let's talk about
the closing remarks.
I thought I'd be gracious
and let you go first.
- Oh I see, so I
can open for you
and you get the final spotlight.
- I knew it, you don't
care about the charity.
All you care about
is appearances.
- I don't give a damn
about appearances.
- Are you wearing makeup?
- A little, yes.
- You know what's amazing?
I've never met anyone
that gets me the way you do.
- I know.
It's sad we can't see each
other, Tate would be furious.
- Jack would paddle me.
- 'Cause it's
strictly forbidden.
- Mm, like the Lambada.
It's dangerous.
- Taboo.
- Oh.
- I can't stand another minute
around this pompous gasbag.
- Big words from a man who
has makeup all over his head.
- I have a cranial birthmark,
it freaks people out.
And you're not fooling
anyone with that talcum powder.
Bridget, let's go.
- We've got to find
a way to screw them.
- Yes we do.
- So, Maya was really excited
about that guitar you gave her.
- Oh, anything for you, my love.
God, what do you have to do to
get some service around here?
- Oh, all you had to do was ask.
- God, you could play the
harpsichord with those toes.
- Oh my god, you're Simon Leeds.
I'm your biggest fan.
Would you mind?
- No, no, no problem, mate.
- How can you stand
all that fawning?
- Oh, it's brutal.
You're so lucky you
don't have to put up with it.
- And what are you saying,
that I'm not a celebrity?
- No, no no no, you're a
very well-known personality.
- Oh, I get it.
You're saying that I'm
past it, my star has faded,
that next to you, I'm nothing.
- Darling, your
nostrils are flaring.
I think I can see your brain.
- Don't dodge the issue.
If you think I'm a has-been,
then why don't you
just come out and say it?
- Who feels like
wrecking a sports car?
- All right, that's it.
I will not sit here and
patronized by you.
I am an A-list celebrity
and I will prove it to you.
Hey, you, who am I?
- Four vodka
martinis, no olives.
- Thank you.
- Elliot.
It's me, Clark Finkle.
- Hey, Clark Finkle, from...
- Your photography class
at the learning annex.
- Oh.
- Remember?
- Right.
- Fun with Nudes.
- Yeah, you were
the guy who did the...
- Self-portraits.
Hey, I'm really excited
about the auction.
I'm gonna win that
day with DiMauro.
- Hey, you hear that?
Mr. Clark Finkle wants
to win a day with DiMauro.
- I came all the
way from Houston.
- He flew all the
way from Houston.
- Actually, I hid under a truck.
- He hid under a what now?
- Um so, Mr. Finkle, how did
you hear about the auction?
- Oh well, let's
just say, as a fan,
I keep close tabs
on Mr. Elliot DiMauro.
- Well, I hope you brought
tons of cash with you
because a lot of people
want to spend the day
in the high-octane world
of fashion photography,
but I really hope
that you get it.
- She's really sweet.
Why did you stop sleeping
with her in March of 2000?
- You're my Bridgy-widgy.
No, you're my scrumple puppy.
Okay, let's hang up
together, all right?
On three.
One, two, thr...
I didn't do it either.
- Dennis.
- Gotta go.
Hey, Jack, that was the plumber.
Hanrahan did a real
number in stall three.
It's like Vietnam down there.
- Can I see you in my office?
- You sure can.
- You're chipper.
What's going on?
- I'm not chipper.
I'm snarky and sarcastic.
Nice hair, you fat bastard.
See?
- No, you're happy.
You got something
going with Gittling's girl.
- Oh my god, were you
listening in on my phone call?
- No, I was not.
And I don't care if you
are her little snuffle-pillow,
this ends now.
- Why?
- Because I know you.
In a moment of passion,
you'll give away all my secrets.
- Oh, what secrets?
That you're patenting
the word asstastic?
- I forbid you from seeing her.
- You can't forbid me.
- I gave you life.
- No you didn't.
Did you?
- It's her or me,
Dennis, choose.
- Oh great, I have to
give up the perfect woman
because of your petty rivalry.
- Go break it off with her.
Why are you staring at my vest?
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- I know it's dangerous,
but I just had to see you.
- Listen, I gotta
tell you something
and it's kinda
hard for me to say.
- Okay, but first I
have a present for you.
- Oh my god, a stool?
- I know what it's like to
stand behind a station all day
and you, Dennis Finch,
have stood long enough.
- Mm, you're perfect.
Let's go make out
in the janitor closet.
- Okay.
- So, things okay with Simon?
- Oh, they will be,
after the auction
when my dress sells
for more than his guitar.
- How?
He's a huge rockstar.
- Dear, this is a fashion event.
And in the world of fashion,
I am a celebrity,
a major celebrity.
And when some liquored
up drag queen stumbles
out of that room
wearing my dress, oh,
Simon is gonna give
me the respect I deserve.
- Did I just see you
kissing Gittling's assistant?
- What?
- When Jack finds
out he's gonna be all
wa-chow, wa-chow, wa-chow-ha.
- Give me a break, all right?
She's an amazing girl.
She's someone who gets me.
- Dennis, I need you to...
Why is your hair all mussed up?
- What?
It's not.
I'm doing it in dreadlocks.
Let's blaze up before
sun splash, mon.
- You know what, I think
you've been with that woman.
- No, mon, no woman, no cry.
- After I explicitly
told you not to.
- Uh.
- Oh enough, Finch,
stop covering for me.
What?
- Yeah, I've been
behind in my work
and Finch helped
me out all morning.
- I see.
Well, I'm sorry I
doubted you, mon.
- So why didn't you rat me out?
- Because that's the first
time I've ever heard you say
something even remotely
nice about a woman.
You must really like her.
- Thanks, I do.
It feels good to talk
about it, you know?
- Yeah?
Well hey, you know,
I'm a romantic too,
so you could tell me anything.
- Okay, well first of
all, she's really dirty.
- What?
- Yeah, like filthy dirty,
and as you can imagine,
I'm pretty nasty myself.
So when we get together,
it's like two animals in a pit.
I don't even know if it's
sex, what we're doing.
- Oh wow.
- Hey, thanks for
letting me share.
It feels good to
open the heart up.
- So this is a raging success.
- Yes it is.
See what we can accomplish
when we put an end
to our childish games?
- I own two helicopters.
- I did the cocktail waitress.
- Elliot.
- Clark, you made it.
- Cash in hand.
Oh, the bidding is beginning.
I'm gonna get ya.
I'm gonna get ya.
- Maya, Maya, I can't spend
the day with Norman Bates.
Please, you have to outbid him.
I'll pay.
Whatever he writes
down, you write down more.
- Why can't you just
outbid him yourself?
- Well, I would hate
to make him angry.
- Elliot, are you scared of him?
- No, come on.
Yes.
- Ms. Manning.
- Mr. Finch.
- Mm.
You were amazing this afternoon.
- You don't make
love like an assistant.
You make love like
a middle manager.
- You scream like a comptroller.
- Dennis?
- What's wrong, honey?
- Tate told me something,
something terrible,
but I can't tell you.
- Come on, I'm your little
pookie bear, remember?
- Okay, but you have to
promise not to tell Jack.
- Please, are you kidding?
I don't tell him anything.
He still thinks his mom's alive.
- Okay, Tate and Jack have
both promised to donate money,
but Tate's going
to humiliate Jack
by also volunteering to
work with the children.
- Oh my god.
Tate will look like a saint.
Jack will look like a
rich, pompous bastard.
- Remember, you promised
you wouldn't say anything.
I've gotta go.
- Hey, Nina, great news.
Your dress just sold for
more than Simon's guitar.
- Yes, I knew it.
Thank you, adoring public.
- Hello, darling.
- Listen, I should probably
tell you that my gown
fetched more than your guitar.
- Oh wow, that's great.
- Damn straight.
I guess now we know
who the true celebrity is.
- Clearly it's you, darling.
- What's that?
- It's my tongue.
- No.
My gown?
You bought my gown?
- Sometimes I
like to feel pretty?
- You bought this because
you felt sorry for me.
And the only thing more
repulsive than rockstar arrogance
is rockstar pity.
- Enough.
I didn't do this
because I pity you.
I did it because I love you.
- What?
- I said I love you.
- Simon, you've
never said that before.
- Well, I'm saying it now
and it's not something
that comes easily unless
I'm talking to a city like
I love you, Tampa, or...
You know, I'm describing
my attitude towards an item
of food like I
love cheese and...
- I love you too.
- Oh.
- Well?
- I did it, I outbid him.
- Oh thank god.
- We went right
down to the wire.
He went 100, I went 120.
He went 125, I went 130.
He went 150, I went 5,000.
- What?
- What?
The clock was ticking.
I had to pop a cap in his ass.
- Are you freaking insane?
You spent $5,000 of my money
so I could spend
the day with myself?
- Next year, I'm gonna get
ya, gonna get ya, gonna get ya.
- Worth every penny, thank you.
- I just heard something
that could humiliate Jack,
but if I tell him, I'll
be betraying Bridget.
- Well the choice
is simple, either side
with the woman of
your dreams, or suck up
to some self-centered,
power-hungry tycoon.
- Jack, I had to tell you.
- So he's gonna donate his time,
that magnificent
scene-stealing bastard.
Let me tell you something,
Gittling does not
beat me at anything.
Ladies and
gentlemen, our co-host
and generous
benefactor, Mr. Jack Gallo.
- Thank you, thank you.
It's a pleasure and a
privilege to raise money
for this worthy project.
But the kids need
more than money.
So today, I'm pledging a
month of my valuable time.
- I am just bowled over
by my colleague's show
of generosity and
his timing is perfect.
I just put in a call to the
International Relief Committee
and you'll spending that
month in our newly constructed
relief camp in Angola.
You'll love it there,
Jack, it's asstastic.
- You set me up.
How'd you know I'd betray you?
- Because you're just like me
and that's what I
would have done.
If it's any consolation,
what we had was real.
This was the hardest
thing I ever had to do.
- It's tragic.
We're drawn together
by our need to serve
yet it is that very need
that tears us apart.
- You're very
deep, Dennis Finch.
- Mm.
Listen, I pocketed
some of your underpants,
I hope that's cool.
I'm so sorry, Jack.
- No, no, Dennis,
Dennis, I'm sorry.
You're heartbroken and I
know how terrible that feels.
What you need is some time
off, to get away from everything.
Clear your head.
- You're sending me
to Angola, aren't you?
- It's for the kids,
Dennis, the kids.
- The kids.
♪ Life keeps me
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bringing me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you