Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 13 - There's Something About Allison - full transcript

- Hey Jack, you
better get going,

or you're going to be late
for your interview on Nightline.

- I hate doing that show.

I always look so washed
out next to that dead couple.

His hair looks like
a Belgian waffle,

but his skin is magnificent.

- Jack, I've got some
makeup in my purse

that'll fix you right up.

- Nina I'm a little
uncomfortable wearing makeup.

- Hold still.

- I am.

- I'm talking to my hand.

- Nina no, there is some men
for whom this is no problem,

but I'm not one of them.

- Alright, you know,
a little make up

is not going to make
you any less of a man.

- Yeah, but I don't want
to end up looking like a,

good god I'm a super fox.

This stuff is fantastic!

- You see, covering up
a few little imperfections,

there's nothing wrong with that.

I've been doing it for years.

- That' right, if you
chisel down a few layers

you'll see that hickey
Abe Lincoln laid on her.

- Well at least
I've had a hickey.

- I've had hickeys.

- No, cats don't count.

- Tell me, are you hungry?

- Excuse me?

- Because when God
made you he was so busy

he forgot to lay out a buffet.

It's a work in progress.

I'm Elliot DiMauro.

- I Guess you don't remember me.

I'm Brandi, Finch's
friend from high school.

I used to be Bert until I had
the sex change operation.

- Oh hey, you know,
I'm open minded

that doesn't turn me off.

- What would?

Hey ass face.

- Haha, you're the ass face.

- Oh yeah? You're
the ass face astronaut

who took a turd rocket
to the third ring of Uranus.

- Nice.

So you getting siked up
about this high school reunion?

- I don't know, I haven't
seen all those people since

my sex change, and I hate
answering all those questions.

I mean how many times
am I gonna have to say,

in a jar on my nightstand.

- Hey listen, I've got an idea.

Don't go as Bert, go
as my date Brandi.

That way you get
to see everyone,

but they won't know it's you.

- That's not a bad idea.

- Yeah, anything
to help out a buddy.

- Hey, make me look good,
wear something low cut

to show off Selma and Hyack.

- Hey.

- My love life sucks.

I just got shot down
by a girl named Bert.

- Don't whine to me.

Last Saturday night I
ordered Chinese food

just so I could talk to
a man on the phone.

- Ping, he's a good listener.

- It's not even that I'm
desperate to have a relationship,

I just wish I could find someone

to sleep with every
once and a while.

- Me too, no
strings, no demands.

- Someone you
had a history with.

We couldn't, could we?

- I'm in.

- Jack, I saw your interview
you looked fabulous.

- I felt great, and
I sensed everyone

around me feeling
homely and insecure.

- Oh, well, that's
the point of makeup.

No, strike that, of life.

I need some help,
I've got a date tonight,

and I want to transition
into an evening look.

Nothing tacky, just something
with a little shimmer and wow.

- You sound like a
chorus girl from Pippin.

- What are you saying?

- Well you're starting to
make me feel uncomfortable.

- Fine, I'll find
someone else to do it,

someone who won't floosy
up my eyes the way you did.

- Well I did your eyes
just like I do mine.

- Exactly.

- So Elliot, are you still
coming over tonight to

move my couch?

- Yes, but I've got to swing
by the drug store and buy

slip covers.

- No, you don't have
to worry about that,

because I have something
that you can put in the sofa

that does the same
thing as a slip cover.

Just come over at 8.


- Hey, so you and Mia
are gonna hook up?

- Oh come on, how
did you know that?

- Oh please, it was like
watching Forrest Gump

and Nell plan a booty call.

- Well we're not
getting back together.

It's just sex, no
strings attached.

- Oh dude, women
can't just have sex.

They all want a relationship.

- Yeah well, Mia knows
what she's getting into.

It's not serious.

- Everything Mia
does is serious.

Remember at Halloween?

She didn't hand out
candy, she handed

out those picture books titled

"How the Sad Calf
Became Your Veil".

- Okay, okay you're
right, you're right.

But I'm Elliot
DiMauro, the master.

Before she gets
all weepy and clingy

I'll have my pants on and
be half way out the door.

- Alright good.

Now this may be casual for you,

but the rest of us
respect Mia, alright?

So get some pictures.

And if you could snag a pair
of panties that'd be great too.

- Wow.

You were amazing.

- Mmm. You were great too.

She's right, I was amazing.

Oh my god, I'm lingering,

I better make an excuse
and get out of here.

Although it's kind of
nice to be with Mia.

She probably wants to pamper
me and make me a sandwich.

I should give her that.

- Hey sweetie, good news, I
think I'm gonna stick around.

- That's great, but
I'm late for a movie,

so can you let yourself out?

- Oh yeah sure, yeah sure.

I gotta go out, I got a lot
of things to do, going on.

- Cool.

- Hey, you know, a
movie sounds great

if you want the
company I'd love to.

- Oh no, here comes
that tool Frank Collins.

- Dennis Finch,
last time I saw you

you were crying like
a baby in the cafeteria.

- Yeah well, tenth reunion
was very painful for me.

Anyway, I'm doing great now,

because I get to have
loads of sex with her.

- Well, I own three shopping
malls, I'm worth 20 million.

- Yeah, well I get all access
pass to these 24 seven.

- Damn.

- Haha, dude, that was awesome.

- Oh my god, Allison Cavinah.

- Oh my god that's her, she
looks more beautiful than ever.

Oh she's coming, here she comes.

- Dennis Finch is that you?

- Hey Allison.

- Dennis you look great.

- Remember you wore a
blue sweater all the time

and had a pocket on
it that was awesome.

- Dennis you still have
that great sense of humor.

So are you two?

- Oh no, no, no, no,
we were, we did, a lot.

But we broke up because we.

- He was too much man
for me, freaked me out.

- Yeah it was scary, plus
Brandi's not into commitment.

- It's true, I'm a giant slut.

- So, Allison, can
I get us a libation?

- Gosh, I never realized
how cute Dennis was.

- Very, very cute.

- You know back in
high school I kinda had

a secret crush on
his best friend Bert.

- Sorry, wrong
pipe, story of my life.

Anyway, you

like this guy Bert?

- Yeah, yeah, I mean I
used to go out with jocks,

but Bert was different
than the other guys.

I mean

when he played Sandy in
Grease, that took a lot of guts.

- Can you excuse me a second?

Dude, Allison Cavinah
is totally hot for me.

- What are you talking about.

- She had a crush
on Bert in high school.

I am so in.

- You're into dudes now,
that's why you had five years

of therapy, hormone
replacement, disfiguring surgery.

- But this is Allison Cavinah.

- But she's into guys.

- Hey, nobody
knows better than me

that it's not about the parts.

- I'm still attracted to her,

maybe she can
be attracted to me.

In here I'm still Bert.

- Well I'm still Dennis
where it counts.

Advantage Finch.


- Hey Ally, I was gonna
go to the ladies room

to freshen up, do you
want to come with?

- Sure.

- Hey is that bra
built into that dress?

- No, it's this really
cute strapless.

I'll show you in the bathroom.

- Look at Mia pouring coffee.

Oh, now she's
opening a cream, oh.

- Hold on, you're not
falling for her again are you?

- No, why? Just
because we made love?

- Oye!

Made love?

Dude, you can do it, hit it,

snag some, and
get all up in there,

but make love,
that's just offensive.

- You were right, it is
so freeing to have sex

with absolutely no
emotional attachment.

- I am bursting with pride.

It's like watching a horny
baby take its first steps.

- And the best part
is I feel liberated,

confident, and
sexually empowered.

- Oh hey, there's
that cute guy Sean.

- You know what? It's
about time I talked to him.

- Hey Sean come here.

Listen, I've been watching you,

and I gotta say
I like what I see.

- Uh, okay.

- Here's my number.

Call me if you like what
you see, and I think you do.

- Dennis.

- Hey Allison.


- We were just at the
day spa getting massages.

- I saw her in the
shower, did not disappoint.

- I need to check
in with the office.

Can I use the phone?

- Yeah, there's one
right behind you.

Come here.

What do you think you're
doing, it's not going to work.

- If I could just kiss her once

I know I can get her to
be a little open minded.

- This goes against
everything I hold sacred,

but I'm gonna try to stop two
beautiful women from kissing.

- Hey Allison, you wanna
go figure skating tomorrow?

I'm light enough to pick up.

It sounds like fun.

- Well I thought we were
gonna go out tomorrow night.

- It's a guy, you
know how it is.

- Allison, I'll walk you out.

I guess she prefers
the company of men.

- You were amazing.

- Yeah well, I guess when
I'm not worried about emotions

I can just really let go.

- I booked a room at this
cozy b and b up in Vermont,

and I thought maybe we could.

- Hello.

Oh, hi Sean, yeah
I'm free on Friday.

- Listen there's a non
refundable deposit.

- Yeah, I'm really
looking forward to that.

Okay, I'll see you then, bye.

Oh my god, Sean
just asked me out.

Did I seam to
eager? He is so hot.

He's like the hottest guy
I've ever gone out with.

Is this in any way
awkward for you?

What, me? No, no.

So long as I'm getting
some life is sweet.

Oh, that is great.

I love what we have.

- Me too.

- Jack, I had set up a meeting

with Gabriella
from Mortelli Shoes.

- Great.

- Oh my god.

- That's right,
you wouldn't help,

so I hired a professional
makeup artist,

and I think this
look is perfect.

- Yeah, if you're
performing with White Tigers.

- Okay, I know it may
be a little extreme,

but it makes me feel
younger and more confident.

- Look, I put a little makeup
on you and that was fine,

but you really shouldn't
use it as a crutch.

- Me?

In the 20 years I've known you

I've never known you
to be without makeup.

You're the one who
uses it as a crutch.

- How dare you.

I may use alcohol,
drugs, sex, gambling,

religion, nicotine,
yoga, and pornography

as a crutch, but never makeup.

- Okay then, I'd like
to see you spend

the rest of the day
without makeup.

- Fine, then I'll
need some scotch,

pain killers, a man,
a deck of cards,

a cross, a cigarette, a rubber
mat, and a copy of Swag.

- Alright Nina, I'm out here
in all my glory, no makeup.

Now it's your turn.

- Just a minute.

- I know you're nervous,
but I think you'll find

it's very empowering to
show yourself as you really are.

- See, you, you, you,
you look fantastic.

- Thanks Gabriella, I can't
wait to see the nude fall line.

- So you couldn't
do it could you?

- Alright fine, so I've
got a few weaknesses.

- I just think
it's a little sad,

because you're a
beautiful woman and yet

you rely on something so
superficial to impress people.

I've got a helicopter.

- Let's go.

- Hey, what's that?

- Just a brochure to
Summine up in Vermont.

I was thinking of
taking Mia there.

- Oh that sounds wonderful.

Quilts at the end of the
bed, cocoa in the morning.

- Thought about doing
some apple picking.

- Well, wear a warm coat.

You don't want your
ovaries getting cold

when the wind
blows up your dress.

- Well, what are you implying?

- That you can't have
a casual affair with Mia.

- There's no attachment to Mia.

I got 50 girls like that.

- Oh, then why
are you sitting here

while Mia's out on a date?

- I'm not sitting anywhere.

I was on my way
down to Bartini right now

to pick up the
first girl I meet.

Oh my god, that's my
beeper, Mia wants sex.

- God, high school.

Do you remember that woman

that worked in the cafeteria?

- Bertha Washington, oh my
god do I have a story about her.

- Well, roomer had it that
she would get the biggest loser

from the senior class
and take his virginity.

- Nevermind.

- I'm having so much fun.

Who would have
thought after all this time

we'd hit it off so well.

- Oh my god.

- Hey Allison
Cavinah is that you?

It's me Bert.

You haven't changed at all.

- You have.

- Daren French is that you?

- Dennis Finch.

- Right, right, the kid who
slept with the lunch lady.

- Can I talk to you for
a second, excuse us.

What in the hell are you doing?

- She wants Bert,
I'm giving her Bert.

- This isn't Bert, this is
Captain Crazy parts, okay?

I'm going to tell
her you're not a guy.

- Oh I get it, you're
not man enough

to compete for a woman with
a woman dressed as a man.

- Nobody says that to me.

Fine I won't tell her,
I'll win her on my own.

- Snot monkey.

- Ass ass.

- That's weak.

- I'm angry.

- Oh, you're home
early from your date.

I guess there wasn't
much of a spark

between you and Sean huh?

- Oh no, I'm crazy about him.

I just didn't want him
to think I was easy.

- Do we have to
rush right into this?

Can we just talk a little first?

- How about we talk after.

I'll say goodbye, and you
could say see ya tomorrow.

- Stop, stop, I can't
do this anymore.

- What's wrong?

- I'll tell you what's wrong.

I wait by the phone all night
while you're out gallivanting.

I wore something
nice just in case.

I keep my business
clean, and I rush over here,

and you treat me
like a piece of meat.

- Oh baby, don't be like that.

- You take what you need,
and you cast me aside

like I'm some sex toy you
hide in your night table.

- You looked in my night table?

- I needed a subway token.

I'm sorry, but I guess
with you it can't be just sex.

- That is so sweet.

I don't want anything to
jeopardize our friendship.

Are we okay?

- Yes.

I guess I better go though.

- Look, honey, I really
do care about you.

- I know Mia, I know.

- Oh.

- I guess I can handle one more.

- Are you sure?

- I think it's important
for closure you know.

- You know what
would be really sexy.

Maybe mix it up a
bit if you wore these.

Oh sure, yeah.

- Mmmm.

- Hey wait, doesn't
Sean have a pair like this.

- Does it matter?

- No not really.

- Flying the F18 is
a real adrenalin rush.

The speed, the danger,
plus the outfits are fabulous.

- You know I have
to confess to you,

I had a real crush
on you in high school.

- That is so ironic,
because I used

to stare at you every
day in science class.

- I used to tape your
picture to my pillow

and then kiss you goodnight.

- Ew, dude.

- That's actually kind of sweet.

- Hmm, I'm sweet.

- Give it up, she's into me.

- You know, Bert
threw up when his dad

told him how baby's were made.

- Finch peed in his
pants in seventh grade.

- I have a late birthday.

- Guys take it easy.

- Who cried to get
out of detention?

- Who cried when
the Bangles broke up?

- Who wore leg warmers
in a torn sweatshirt

after Flashdance?

- We both did.

- You didn't lose your
virginity until you were 25.

- You french kissed your cat.

- You have unnatural feelings
for Christopher Walken.

- You asked me to dress
up as Allison Cavinah

the minute I got the operation.

- What operation?

- Yes captain, why
don't you brief the troops.

- Okay, it's not as
weird as it sounds.

I was Bert, I had a
sex change operation,

and now I'm
pretending to be a man

in hopes of having a
lesbian relationship with you.

Is that cool?

- No, it's not cool.

I mean, how could you lie to me?

And you, you knew all this time?

You know, you guys
were freaks in high school,

and you're freaks now.

- What's with her?

- I know, tight.

- I'm taking someone's
picture off my pillow.

- Dude, I'm sorry I was
such a tool about this.

- I'm sorry too, we're buddies,

we've been through
so much together.

- Come here buddy.

- Mmm.

- Dude, did you just cop a feel?

What? Come on Bert,

you know I'm a sucker
for a tranny in a uniform.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you