Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 9 - Christmas? Christmas! - full transcript

- Hey man, Santa's
coming, oh my gosh!

♪ Just hear those

♪ Sleigh bells ring-a-ling
jing-jing-jing-a-ling too

♪ Come on it's lovely
weather for a sleigh ride

So where's your
Christmas spirit?

- I'm Jewish.

♪ Oh dreidel, dreidel,
dreidel, I made you out of clay

I'm Jewish, I'm not 12.

- Wow.

Kevie, I just don't
get some people.

I mean, this is the most
magical time of the year.



- Boy, you sound just
like my cousin, Ray.

He should be here any minute.

- Oh you have family coming?

That's so nice.

- You're gonna love him.

He looks just like
me, only shorter.

He doesn't wear glasses.

He has brown hair,

and he's a major
motion picture star.

- What?

- Ho, ho, ho, merry
Christmas everybody.

- Over here cousin Ray.

- Oh my gosh, your
cousin is Ray Liotta?

I don't believe it!



- I said his name is Ray,

and my last name's Liotta, duh.

- Happy holidays cousin Kevin.

Give me a hug.

- Cousin Ray, this
is my friend Maya.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- You two have a lot in common.

She loves Christmas.

- There's just something about

this time of year, isn't there?

People are a little nicer.

- Yes, it's like mankind
is on its best behavior.

- As if God almighty had given
this naughty world a timeout.

- I like popcorn balls.

- I love this guy.

You know what I want to do?

- What?

- I want to

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la

♪ Tis the season to be jolly

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la

♪ Don we now our gay apparel

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la

♪ Sing the ancient
yule tide carol

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la la

You know what?

I was thinking of
maybe taking a stroll

to see the Christmas
tree at Rockefeller Center,

maybe get a hot cup of mulled
cider, a little figgy pudding?

- I've never tasted
figgy pudding.

- Well then you've
never tasted Christmas.

Actually, excuse me
for one minute, okay?

Hi, we want Santa!

We want Santa, we want Santa!

We want Santa!

- Hear that Maya?

The happy sounds of children,

it's like getting an
Oscar in each ear.

- Good crowd this year.

Kevin's cousin, Ray
Liotta's got 'em all fired up.

- He always does.

So tell me, what do you think?

Am I ready for the kids?

- Oh yeah, looking good.

Give me a ho ho ho.

- Ho ho ho.

- Lower.

- Ho ho ho - Now higher.

- Ho ho ho.

- Now give me a hey hey hey.

- Hey hey hey, oh
you've had your fun.

- Good God, there are
children everywhere!

It's bad enough that
they run amok in our parks

and our playgrounds, but...

Except for your daughter, Jack.

Hannah is an angel
with butterscotch wings.

- She is.

Hannah's the reason I
put on this suit every year.

She's my little blond angel.

One of my little blond angels.

- There you go.

- Alright Dennis,
let's do this thing.

- Alright, I'll introduce you.

Now remember, energy.

- Energy.

- Alright kids, let's
get ready to Santa.

Here he is, the
Kringle with a jingle,

the man in the sleigh
who gives stuff away,

the jolly dude
from zero latitude,

is he in there?

I think he is.

Please welcome Santa Claus.

- Hey hey hey.

I mean ho ho ho ho ho.

Hannah, I mean little
girl, what's wrong?

You're not afraid
of Santa, are you?

Then why is my favorite
little princess crying?

- I was first in line,
and then he cut

in front of me and hit me.

- I did not.

She tried to cut in front of me!

- Little boys
shouldn't lie to Santa.

- I'm not, I'm first in line.

- Okay, you want to be first?

Fine, then just climb up
on Santa's knee little boy.

Well what can Santa
get you for Christmas?

- I want a Playstation two
and a remote controlled car.

- Well that's a nice
list for a good little boy,

but you know what?

You're a bad bad boy.

And bad boys who hit girls
don't get anything from Santa.

Now get lost.

Ho ho ho little girl.

Merry merry Christmas.

- Stop that humming.

You sound like
a faulty vibrator.

- Keep it down, I'm working
on a new Christmas song.

Just between you and
me, I think I found a way

to turn this
sleepy little holiday

into a big time money maker.

- I'm listening.

- Check this out.

Santa, Santa's on the run,
baskin' in the Christmas sun.

Santa, won't you
bask with me? Boop.

- Hmm, you might
be onto something.

But what if instead of
basking in the Christmas sun,

you try Christmas,
Christmas, fun, fun, fun.

- Oh my God, you have
to write this with me.

- What?

- You'd make a ton of money.

- Oh I don't know,
Finch, I'm no musician.

I just sleep with them.

- Come on, Christmas,
Christmas, fun, fun, fun,

you came up with it like that?

You can't deny
the world that talent.

- Okay, okay, I'm in.

- Alright, well we got,
here comes Kevin,

let's keep this on the

- Hey, what are you
guys talking about?

- Losing our virginity.

What's your story?

- No, you are a good skater.

- Well I better be.

I mean, if you want to
make it in Hollywood,

you gotta skate.

De Niro, Pachino,
Hoffman, all beautiful skaters.

- Hmm, so this is your place?

- I really had a
great time tonight.

- Me too.

- You sure you want to come in?

- I wouldn't be here
if I didn't want to be.

- I'm about to show you things

beyond your wildest imagination.

- Holy crap.

- This is great, isn't it?

Now look, look at the pine tree.

I got it flown in from the
Pacific Northwest, first class.

Now I used to have a huge
gingerbread house right here,

but Whoopi Goldberg came
over to watch a Knick game,

and we ate it.

Check out this guy, check
him out, check him out.

- Um, Ray, uh

I think all of this
is something,

but if you had some mistletoe,

maybe we could pick up where,

are those elves?

- Oh yeah, these are my elves.

How's it going boys?

- We're out of scotch tape.

- Maybe this is a bad time.

- No, no, no wait.

You know what, guys,
why don't you take a break

for a while, okay?

- Whatever, come on.

We'll be at Blimpie's.

- Blimpie's?

Now, now, keep your
beeper on because

I might need you
a little later, okay?

Thanks, don't eat too much.

- Ray, we need to talk.

- About Christmas?

- I think I'm gonna go.

- No, no, wait,
wait, wait, look.

You haven't seen my
snow machine, my manger,

Top Thomas, my
fiberglass camel, look,

- Ray - I'm fine, fine, fine.

- I think I will just go.

- No, no, no, you can't.

I haven't shown
you the best part.

I bought the apartment
right above me,

so I can come down
my own chimney.

- Ray, I'm gonna go.

Ray, I'm taking off.

Oh Maya, here I come.

Maya, could you
please open the flue?

- Shut up

- Would you settle down?

- I am completely out of ideas.

- Okay, forget about the music.

Let's go back to
focusing on lyrics.

- Oh why, so we
can take another hour

for you to rhyme Christmas
tree with vicious flea?

- I'm trying things.

It is a process.

Let's take a different angle.

Okay, um how about I say a word

and you say the first word
that comes to your mind?

- I hate that game.

They used to make me
play it at the sanitarium.

- Shut up, it'll be easy.

Here we go, we
might find some gold.

White - Snow -
Christmas - Santa - Elf

- Finch - Ouch -
Weakling - Hey - Loser

- Old

- Leaving - Wrinkly -
Stop - Passe - Vodka

- Finch - Boobs

- Hey Jack, can I talk
to you for a moment?

- Sure - Here's the thing.

My nephew Paul
was here yesterday,

and he said Santa told
him he was a bad boy

and wouldn't get any presents.

- Oh that kid.

He's a bad seed.

He hit Hannah and
then cut into line.

- Well that's not
how Paul tells it.

- Elliot, look, we're friends.

Let's not allow your
nephew's lies to tear us apart.

- Okay, wait, are you
calling my nephew a liar?

- Yes, he's a liar.

He'll probably be a burglar.

- Jack, I know Hannah did it.

- You don't know anything.

- Kevin, come in here.

Tell him what you saw.

- Hannah cut in front of Paul.

She said she can
do what she wants

because her daddy
rules the world.

- But then the boy hit her.

- No, she pushed him.

I told her to stop,
and then she threw

an ornament at my head.

She told me not to tell anybody,

but I refuse to live
in fear anymore.

- Thanks Kev.

Wow, looks like Santa owes
my nephew a pretty big apology.

- No, no, I should do it.

- Maya, Maya, we need to talk.

- Hi Ray.

- I am so sorry
about last night.

I had a lot of time to think

while I was stuck in my chimney.

- You know, I don't know.

- I just want to tell you why

this holiday is so
important to me.

Please?

- Okay, I'm listening.

- Well when I was a
kid, my parents fought

with each other all the time,

but on Christmas,
it was all different.

I mean, somehow there
was peace and harmony

and delicious ham.

I didn't remember about
the ham until just now.

- Ray, I'm so sorry.

It just all makes sense now.

- But the point is, I let Christmas
get between you and me,

and I don't want to do that.

- Oh I'm so glad you said that.

- A lot of people, they
think I'm like my character

in Good Fellas,
but in real life,

I'm more like my character
in Operation Dumbo Drop.

- Well, I don't see you as
any of those characters.

I just see you as
Ray Liotta, movie star.

- See, no one ever sees that.

I got something, something
special just for you.

- Mistletoe.

- I mean, a little
Christmas ain't bad.

- Oh gosh, let's just make
this the best Christmas ever.

- You can't make
Christmas do anything.

All you can do is let her
wrap you in her warm embrace.

- That's beautiful.

- It's from a screenplay I
wrote called Ray and Santa.

It's a buddy pic...

It's all behind me now.

- Ho ho ho, come in.

Paul, Santa made a
mistake the other day,

but now I know
you're a good boy.

I want to give you the
best Christmas ever,

so come on hop up
here on Santa's lap.

- It's okay, go ahead.

- Come on, atta boy.

Now Paul, tell Santa what
you want for Christmas,

and I'll make sure you get it.

You can have anything
you want, anything.

- Okay, I want my
grandma Pearl back.

- Elliot, Elliot.

- I want to see her again.

- Of course you do.

Paul, when old people go
away, they go to a better place,

and no one, not even
Santa can bring them back.

- Not even to visit?

- Not even to visit,

but even though your
grandma Pearl is dead,

she still loves you from Heaven.

There, there.

- Hey, what happened?

- I was just
explaining to Paul that

even though grandma Pearl
is dead, she still loves him.

- Grandma Pearl is not dead.

She moved to Palm Beach.

It's okay Paul,
grandma Pearl's okay.

How can you do that?

- Oh God, I am so sorry.

I'm just no good at this.

- Ahhhhh, Santa's
tearing his face off!

- Elliot, there's too
much to fix here.

I'm going to Tahoe.

- Okay Kevin, here's the deal.

Finch and I have had
some creative differences,

and we've decided
that we're going to each

sing you a song and
then you can decide

which one is better.

- Whichever one you pick
will be a new holiday classic.

- And don't base your
decision on the fact

that you've wanted to
sleep with me for years

and I'm a little
drunk right now.

- Please proceed
with the caroling.

- Based on a preliminary
game of tic-tac-toe,

I will be going first.

Check one two.

Okay Christmas
lovers, here we go.

Ooh, I got nothing.

- Next.

- Move it.

Five six seven eight.

Christmas Snow Presents

Ho

- That sucked too.

- What?

- Can I go on my vacation now?

- Uh yeah sure, merry Christmas.

I think all the best Christmas
songs were already written.

- Yeah, I'm getting a
little tired of Christmas.

- Yeah, me too.

- Maybe I should
convert to Judaism.

- Why?

- Well they have an awful
lot of Jewish holidays.

You know people are
always taking off from work

for this or that, and frankly,

if you've ever read the
Torah, it's fascinating.

- Yeah, I've heard
it's a real page-turner.

Hmm, yeah, I might
become Jewish too.

- Oh you should.

- I think I will.

- So will I.

- Okay, that's settled,
we're Jewish now.

- Yeah, this feels right.

- Very Jewish, I like it.

- Hey do you think maybe we
should write a Hanukkah song?

- I don't know, do
our people sing?

- I don't know, how do you feel?

- I feel like singing.

Hanukkah Lights Temple

- Eight prong candle holder.

- Okay, before I
give you the last gift,

I just want to say
that this has been

the best Christmas ever.

- It's been really
special for me too.

Oh look, the picture of
us feeding the reindeer

in Central Park, oh I love it.

- So I guess that's it.

That's the end of Christmas.

- Ray, what's the matter?

- It's over.

The whole damn holiday's over.

Ho ho ho - Ray, are you alright?

- No, I'm not alright.

Don't you see?

The presents have been opened.

The eggnog's been drunk.

We we we've eaten
all the, the ham.

- Oh honey, it's gonna be okay.

- You don't get it, do you?

You think I make movies
because I like making movies?

I make movies to
pay for Christmas.

I live for this holiday,
and now it's over.

So what?

I'm supposed to strap on my
skates and go back to Hollywood?

Go be a movie star
for another 12 months?

Well I'm not gonna do it.

Not me, not this Ray Liotta.

Let me fix you up, Santa.

- Ray, oh Ray
don't be like this.

- It gets worse every year.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you.