Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Haves and the Have-Mores - full transcript

Kevin begins stalking Maya instead of Nina. Jack must tolerate his snobbish business partner's attempts to degrade those less fortunate, namely Elliot.

- Morning, Nina.

I got you a present.

- Ah, look, a doll!

- Yeah, it's supposed to be you.

I ran out of fake hair and
had to use some of mine.

- Well, thank you Kevin.

I'll put it next to all
the slightly moist things

you've given me.

Look at what Kevin gave me.

- Oh, it's kind of cute.

- It's stuffed with ground
beef to make it feel human.

- Ew!

- I am so sick and tired
of all his creepy attention.

- Well, why don't you
just be honest with him,

and tell him to back off?

- No, no, no, I know
how these things work.

I'll say stop.

He'll think I mean go.

I'll get a restraining order,
and the next thing you know

he's dragging me to the
castle to meet Dr. Frankenstein.

- Oh, Nina, Kevin's harmless.

- Oh, can't you just talk
to him for me, please?

- All right, fine.

- Perfect.

No one gets rid of
men the way you do.

- Dennis, can you get
the staff's attention for me?

I want to surprise them
with my good news.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right people, listen up!

About to hear a big announcement

from our boss, Mr. Jack
Gallo, who just found out

he's gonna be on the
cover of Forbes Magazine

as one of the biggest
media titans in America.

America, people!

Our Jack!

All right.

Go ahead, Jack,
they're all yours.

- Surprise.

- Surprise indeed, all right!

Jack Gallo, Woo!

- Elliot, I got an exciting
surprise for you too!

- What is it?
- Well...

- You're shootin'
the cover, buddy!

You taking a picture,
that's you, man!

Sweet, baby, sweet!

Him and some other rich guy.

You got it!

- Dennis, dial it down.

- Yeah, yeah, I had
a whole can of soda!

All right, I'll walk it off.

- Congratulations
Dad, this is huge!

- You have no idea.

I'm being photographed
with Dick Radford.

- The cable media tycoon?

I hear he's a real jerk.

- Yeah, and a little crazy
but open to new ideas.

That's why I'm
gonna pitch my idea

about a Blush Fashion Channel.

- Wow, this is some opportunity!

What's your strategy?

- Simple, first I'll present
the business model,

then I'll explain why it
makes financial sense,

and then I'll kiss his
ass like it's Ava Gardner.

- Mail call.

- Oh, Kevin, I'm
glad you're here.

Can I talk to you
about something?

- Sure, how about Denmark?

- What?

Oh, no, I already
have a topic in mind.

I know that you've been
giving Nina a lot of gifts lately

which is a really
generous thing to do,

but maybe you should
just back off a little bit?

- Nah!

- Seriously, Kevin, I think that

she's starting to
feel uncomfortable.

- You know what's good
when you're uncomfortable?


- No, you need to just stop.

You just need to
stop everything.

Don't stop breathing, just
stop doing things for Nina.

- Can I make my heart go?

- You can make it stop?

- Just answer quickly.

- Yes, make it go!

So are we clear?

No more gifts for Nina?

- Okay.

- Kevin, are you upset?

- No.

- Oh, I know that this is hard

but you're gonna find someone.

You've got so
much going for you.

- Really?

- Of course you do.

- Like what?

- Well, you're clearly the
tallest person in the office,

and you have beautiful
teeth, and so many of them!

- More than you know.

- So it's just like the magazine,
only without the words.

- Yeah, yeah, it's
television, I understand.

The guy from Vogue pitched me

a similar concept
just last week,

but he had this big fat ass.

And every time I
made a joke about it,

he had no sense of humor.

- I can see how that
would bother you.

- Yeah, I mean you're
gonna look like a buffalo,

you're gonna get
shot a few times.

- We're almost ready.

Jack if you want to
stand right over here.

And Dick, if you could
just move in close...

- Mr. Radford.

- Excuse me?

- The name is Mr. Radford.

- Oh.

- It's about respect, cue ball!

- Cue ball?

- Ha, ha, that's a good one!

Good one, it's funny.

Because you know...
- Yeah, I get it.

Anyway, I just want
you to move back here

so I can get some more light.

- Ah, more light,
why don't we just use

the reflection off your head?

- Jack, could I have a
word with you over here?

- Fine!

Looks like we gota
cranky baby on our hands.

Waah-waah, waah-waah-waah.

What's up, buddy?

- What the hell was that?

- What was what?

- I mean, that
display back there.

You guys are
treating me like crap.

- It's just a few jokes.

- You're demeaning me.

Now I want an apology.

In front of him.

- Okay, okay, fine.

Dick, earlier I had some
fun at Elliot's expense...

- Look, Gallo,
the sooner you get

your monkey to
take this picture,

the sooner we can
talk about your channel.

- You heard him,
snappy, snappy, bubbles.

Snappy, oh!

- Special delivery
for somebody special.

- Oh God!

- For me?

- Just a little something for
being so nice to me yesterday.

- Oh, look, it's a mug.

And it says what would Jesus do.

- My best guess is push-ups.

- Well, this is very
nice, thank you.

- So, looks like he's
your problem now.

- Yeah, someone's life is
about to get a lot more like

Harry and the Hendersons.

- Guys, you're overreacting.

- Oh, you don't mind
being stalked, huh?

- Nina, has Kevin
ever tried to contact you

outside of this office?

- No.

- Has he ever
followed you anywhere

or shown up at your home?

- No.

- Then, he's not a stalker.

He's just a sweet guy.

- Yeah, yeah, right.

Listen, Maya, let me just
tell you something about

the inner workings of Kevin.

Kevin is like a
giant fleshy clock

full of gears, and
cogs, and springs,

and as soon as
just one spring pops,

it's just gonna be
zang, boing, madness!

- Say something about
the inner workings of Nina.

Pssshhh, ung glug glug glug.

- Hey, is Jack in his office?

- I think so.

- Can I go talk to him?

- I don't care,
dude, I'm on break.

Do whatever you want.

- Jack.

- Oh, Jack, Jack,
I tried to stop him

but he blew right past me.

- That's okay, Dennis.

- Now, you know why I did that.

- Get out.

- Jack, we need to talk.

- First, look at
what I just got from

the Sharper Image
Catalog, talking socks.

Left, right, left,
right, left, right.

- They're completely useless,

but Dick's been
raving about them.

- Jack, the way you
treated me today

was totally unprofessional.

- I'm sorry, Elliot, I
should have been

more considerate
of your feelings.

- You're absolutely...
- Right.

- And when you're...
- Right.

- You're...
- Right.

- I felt very bad
when you... Left.

- All right, just stop it, okay?

I'm really upset about this,

and I want an explanation.

- Okay.

It's like this.

Right, left, right, left, right.

This Blush Fashion Channel
can be a really big deal,

but I can't do it without Dick.

- So you put me through that
so you could close your deal?

- Yes, and if you're
feeling up to it,

I'd like you to do it again.

- Oh, I see.

- Look, I can make this
very rewarding for you.

How would you like
one percentage point

of the Blush Fashion Channel?

- Are you trying
to buy me, Jack?

- Bingo!

- My dignity is not for sale.

- Just think about it.


- I also bought the underpants.

- Hello Maya.

- Hey, look who it is.

Kevin, Kevin from work.

Kevin from work,
here at my home.

- You're out late.

- Uh, yeah, I went to the
movies with some friends.

- Want to hear a song I wrote?

- Now?

- No.

- Okay, uh well, I guess
I better be getting to bed.

Hit the hay.

- Don't forget to
say your prayers.

- Hey Elliot, what do you think
about me in this helicopter?

- You and a helicopter?

I think you'd puke.

- Only if I fly it, but I'm
gonna keep it on the ground

'cause after all, there
ain't no ladies in the air.

- What are you talking about?

- Can you keep a secret?

- Sure.

- Check this out.

Jack's gonna give me one
point of his new cable company.

I'm gonna cash in and
buy one of these babies.

- Wait a minute,
Jack's giving you...

- Shhh - No, I'm just... - Shhh.

- Ok, just fine, all
right, enough, okay.

- All right, I just don't
want this to get out.

There's only one point
available and it's mine.

- Jack's giving it to you?

- Yeah and I don't
have to do anything.

I just have to let Jack
and some other rich guy

boss me around and insult me.

- What?

- Yeah, I just, they're gonna
make fun of my weaknesses,

make fun of my height,

maybe throw some
food at me, whatever.

I'll wear goggles, I don't care.

- All right, just a
second, all right?

Jack already made me that offer.

I just hadn't made
up my mind yet.

- He did?

Sorry dude, early
bird gets the whirlybird.

- Jack, no.

- I'll do it, bring Radford
over here, I'm you're man.

- No, Jack, you already
told me I could have it.

- Sorry Dennis, I made
the first offer to Elliot.

I can't come back on my word.

- Thank you Jack.

You know, if you're
lucky, you'll get a little ride

on my new speedboat.

But I...

- Nice work, Dennis,
I think he bought it.

- We got him to
sell out, didn't we?

- We sure did.


- Okay, you can go now.

- I was thinking, since
you're making all this money

on this cable deal,

and I'm doing more
than my job helping you...

- You know what, Dennis,
I can't offer you any money,

but I can offer you this.

When I go home
tonight, I'm gonna take out

my secret employee ledger
and, next to your name,

I shall place five gold stars.

- Why, you cheap bastard.

- You give me 10 gold stars.

- Seven.
- Nine.

- Eight.
- Done.

- You know what?

I bought a ladies
belt by mistake.

- Well, at least it
goes with your blouse.

- Hey guys.

- Oh, you're chipper.

Did you have another hot
sex dream about Charlie Rose?

- Not sex dreams, he just
interviews me while we hold hands.

Is Kevin around?

- We haven't seen him.

- Oh, thank God.

- What's wrong?

- Oh, God, he's
just freaking me out!

- Why, did he give
you the big insect

made of smaller insects?

- No, he was waiting for
me outside my apartment

last night when I got home.

- What?

- Yes, and he just stood there,

and we had this sort
of creepy conversation.

- Well, I told you.

Now the curse is yours,

and the only
way to get rid of it

is to pass it on to someone
dull and frumpy like I did.

- Hey Maya!

- Oh, hi Kevin.

- You dropped this
quarter on your way in

to work this morning.

- What?

- Yeah, I was right behind you,

but you didn't see me.

- You followed me to work?

- But...
- Look, I want you to back off.

That means no more gifts.

Stay away from my house.

Stop stalking me!

- I'm not stalking you.

You just dropped this
quarter downstairs in the lobby.

We just got to work
at the same time.

- What?

- And last night, I ran
into you by accident.

I was visiting my grandma.

She lives around
the corner from you.

Is that what you
people think of me?

That I'm some kind of crazy
stalker who follows women home?

- Kevin.

- Oh my God!

I was just trying
to be nice to you,

but you all think I'm
some kind of monster!

Aah, my head hurts!

- All right, villagers,
light your torches.

- God, I feel awful.

- Well, you should feel awful.

- What?

Now we know what's in
that giant chest of yours.

A heart of stone.

- Wait a minute!

You're the one who
whipped me into a frenzy.

You made me talk to him.

You're the one who started this.

- You're babbling.

- You should talk to him.

- Why?

- Because of all those
reasons that I just said and,

and besides you're so
much prettier than I am.

- All right, I'll talk to him.

By the way, you
bought lady shoes too.

- What?

That damn salesman.

Are there such a
thing as man panties?

- Hey, Mr. Gallo,
Mr. Radford, I got your coffees.

- That a way to go, boy.

- Look, I just want
to say how sorry I am

for calling you
Dick, Mr. Radford,

and how sorry I am for
storming out yesterday,

and especially sorry about
being so stupid and bald.

- So you know Jack, you
know what'd be hysterical?

- No, what's that?

- Let's make cue
ball and eight ball.

- What?

- Yeah, I wanna draw the
number eight on top of your head.

Just for laughs.

- Okay.

- You know what,
this is too much.

- Da, da, don't worry, it's
actually tickling a little bit.

- No, Elliot, this
has gone too far.

- I know, but he's
already writing on me.

- No, this is over the line.

The game is over.

- What's the difference?

There's already an
eight on my head.

- Take it easy, Gallo, there's
a lot of money at stake here.

- Yeah, Jack, there's
a lot of money at stake.

- I don't care, you're
not gonna do this

to one of my employees,
one of my friends.

Get the hell outta here.

- Fine.

What kind of rich guy are you?

- The nice kind,
Dick, the nice kind.

You know Elliot, I've learned
a valuable lesson today.

No amount of money
is worth a man's dignity.

How could I have been so blind?

You were right from
the beginning, I'm sorry!

- I'm going to give
you cat whiskers now.

Kevin, Kevin?

Oh, there you are.

- Leave me alone.

I don't want to talk
to anybody right now.

- Kevin, we owe you an apology.

We jumped to a conclusion,
and that was wrong.

You weren't stalking Maya,

you were being kind
and sweet like always.

You're not the monster,
Kevin, we're the monsters.

Well, we're, we're
truly, truly sorry.

- I was stalking Maya.

- What?

- Yeah, I stood
outside her apartment

all night long like a monster.

- But, but you said you
were at your grandmother's.

- My grandmother
died a year ago.

The same week-end I
followed you up to Nantucket.

- Oh my God, that was you.

I thought that was a
circus bear driving a Tercel.

- I'm not a bad person.

I just don't know how
to act around women.

The truth is, the only reason
I started paying attention

to Maya was to make you jealous.

- What?

- Yeah, you're the only
woman I ever cared about,

and I drove you away.

- Oh Kevin.

- Do you hate me?

- No, no, of course not.

To tell you the truth,
when you were giving

Maya gifts and things, I, well,

I kind of missed your company.

- You did?

- Sure, why not?

- So maybe I can start
bringing you gifts again?

- If it makes you happy, yes.

- Maybe I can stop by your
office and chat once in a while?

- A little conversation
never hurt anybody.

- And maybe right
now, I can kiss you?

- Where are the others?

- Just one kiss,
Nina, and I promise

if you don't feel what I feel,

I'll never ask you for
another kiss again.

- Okay.

- So?

- I feel lucky to be alive.

- Me too.

- You know, for the record,
you're not a bad kisser.

- It's amazing
what you can learn

from putting a wig
on a cantaloupe.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind
of its own ♪ Whoo

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you