Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Impossible Dream - full transcript

- Good morning, Elliot.

Hi, let's get this over with,
go ahead and gloat, go.

- About what, about
how I stole Amy from you,

about how I
saved her cat's life,

about how we huddled
together in the vet chapel

while my elbow rubbed
against her boobies?

- Whatever, you won.

- Oh, I more than
won, I touched her soul

and you know her hiney
is right around the corner.

- There's my hero.

- Oh my god, I'm not a hero.



A hero's a guy who would
take something dead and tu...

Oh my god, I am a hero.

- Well, anyways, I
want to thank you

by taking you out to
dinner on Saturday.

Oh that sounds great,
maybe we can order

a couple of hamburgers,
maybe grab some cold hineys.

- Great, then it's a date.

- Alright, super.

- Elliot, what are you
doing on Sunday?

- What?

- Right, what?

- Well, just you know, I
know our date was cut short

so I thought maybe we
could pick up where we left off.

- Uh yeah, I mean no,
that's great, that's great.



Maybe we'd also grab a hiney.

- You guys really like beer.

- Yeah Amy, maybe I'm confused.

You're gonna go out with
each of us this weekend?

- Yeah, I mean I asked you
both out because I like you both

but if you guys
can't handle this.

- Nah, I'm cool with it.
- Nah, I can handle it.

I handle stuff all the time.

- Well good, then I'll
see you on Saturday

and I'll see you on Sunday.

- She poked me first.

- I'll poke her last.

- Hey Maya.

- Hello Amy, you
know, word has it that

you're dating both
Finch and Elliot

- Yes, yes I am.

- Okay, well let me give
you a little piece of advice.

Dating two coworkers back
to back, not very professional.

- Actually, it's no
longer back to back.

I had to move Finch to Friday
because I am having dinner

with the editor of Random House.

- Random House?

- They're talking about
turning my essays into a book.

It's about being good at
sex and succeeding in life.

- Remember three days ago
when you were Maya's assistant?

- Yeah, funny, huh?

- Good morning, Dad.

- No, it's a great
morning because today

I'm gonna change someone's life.

- You're not gonna
make another intern

listen to that Al
Jarreau cd are you?

- No, I'm about
to do the one thing

that makes this job worthwhile.

I'm gonna give a promotion to
a deserving employee, Kevin.

- Great idea, Jack; he's
dedicated, hard working...

And keeps his coat
silky and smooth.

- This is good, the
devil has a book deal

and the monster's
getting a promotion.

Am I just going nowhere?

- Yes.

- Here's your mail, Mr. Gallo.

- Kevin, take a seat, I have
some really good news for you.

- Oh no, Al Jarreau didn't
come out with another album?

- Kevin, I have chosen you to be

our new mail room supervisor.

You'll get a larger mail
cart, your own office,

and, best of all, more
money; so what do ya say?

- Nah.

- What?

- I said nah.

- Are you saying that you
don't want more money

because if you are I find
that incredibly offensive.

- I don't need more money.

- Oh, why don't you
just spit in my face?

- All I ever buy is rice
and food for my owl,

which is just rice
in a different bag.

- But there are other things
you can do with money.

You can buy nice clothes,
fancy cars, or just roll around

in it like a kid in a
giant pile of leaves.

- I don't want more money,
I'm happy with what I have.

- Turning down a raise,
why doesn't he just drop trow

and winky tink on the
American Constitution?

- Well, nobody says
nah to Jack Gallo.

- Are you going to fire him?

- No, I'm gonna promote
the hell out of him.

- So, then I ask Elliot,

"What's your favorite
flavor lollipop,"

and he's all, "Purple."

I'm like what an idiot, that's
a color, that's not a flavor.

Yeah, mine's lemon.

- Um, you know, you
talk about Elliot a lot.

Do you mind if we talk
about something else?

- Oh I'm sorry,
let's talk about you.

Which one of your
friends is a big giant loser?

You know, I had
a fun time tonight.

- Yeah.

- You certainly know
how to challenge

a chef at a French restaurant.

- Hey listen, when
I wants a PB&J,

I'm gonna get me a
PB&J, that's the way it is.

Hey, uh anyway, I don't
know if this is too forward

but you know you're a nice girl

and I'm a nice guy,
we had a nice time.

Mmmm, you're not
a nice girl are you?

- Kevin, I've been thinking
about our conversation.

Now, remember how you
told me you only eat rice?

Well, I want you to try this.

- You like that, I
was the prize girl

on the Mexican
version of Card Sharks.

- Very nice,
Kevin this is a very

special rice called
Risotto, go ahead.

- Mmm, it's like a
party in my mouth.

- And Kevin, the party
or fiesta never has to end.

- And you can
have it all the time.

- I want it all the time.

- Well Kevin, Risotto
is very expensive.

Someone on your
current salary could only

afford to eat it once a month.

- You go to hell.

- But if you took
the promotion...

- Then I could have
Risotto every day?

- Well, not every day,
but if you worked hard

there could be more
promotions, more money,

and as much Risotto as you want.

- But what are we saying,
you're happy with your life.

You don't need more money

or the Constitution of the
United States of America.

- No, I want Risotto.

- So, you'll take the promotion?

- Uh huh.

- I'm proud of
ya boy, finish up.

- Do fancy people lick
the bottom of the bowl?

Well, that's the great
thing about being rich Kevin;

there is no bottom of the bowl.

- So, the bowl's magic?

- I'm not trying
to be judgmental,

it's just I don't think Amy's
ready for a book deal.

- Well, don't tell Random House

because they just gave
her a six figure advance.

- I need a drink.

- Vodka.

- Thank you.

- Hey Elliot come down here,

I think there's something
you should hear.

- Oh yeah, what is it?

- Someone had sex with
Amy, lots of sex with Amy.

Dirty, crazy, monkey,
funky, all night sex with Amy.

- Well Elliot, you sly
fox, you did it again.

- Why would I be singing
if it was Elliot, it was me.

- Wait a minute, you're
saying you slept with Amy?

- Yes Elliot, I did;
I guess you lose.

Aw, now you're gonna
be all like Boo hoo hoo

and I'll be like
don't cry like a baby

even though you
won't be able to stop.

It'll be like you're watching
Terms of Endearment

when Shirley McLain's going,

"Give my daughter her
medicine, give me that medicine."

So, what do you have to say?

- I slept with her too.

"Give me that medicine,

"my daughter needs my medicine."

- Fresh pot.

- Smells good.

- Let it go, the mug is mine.

- No, you let it go, it's mine.

- This mug is mine, you
have a different mug every day.

- I think this mug is the one.

- This mug can't
be the one because

I might be in
love with this mug.

- I can't believe them, they're
behaving like 12 year olds.

- Maya please where
I'm from 12 year olds

don't fight over
women, they're too busy

working the farm and
raising children of their own.

- I told this mug my secrets.

- I held this mug
while it slept.

- You broke her.

Ow, ow, pieces of mug in back.

- Oh boo hoo, boo hoo.

- This is totally
out of control.

- This has got to stop.

- Jack it's nothing it's just
a friendly little competition.

That I'm gonna win.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey guys.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Hey, what's happening baby?

- So, you wanted
to see me, Jack?

- I understand you're involved
with two of your colleagues.

- Oh, well no offense
Jack but it's all

kind of personal and
really not your business.

- It is now, they broke my mug.

Look, I don't care how you do it

but I want this
thing resolved now.

- Jack, it's partly
my responsibility.

I guess I need to make a choice.

- Yes, make a choice;
personally I think it's lose lose

but then I've never
dated either one of them.

- Hello fellow executives.

- Ah, Mr. Supervisor, how
are you, how's the good life?

- Incredible, I went to a
restaurant that serves Risotto

and the waiter offered me
water that comes in a bottle.

It tasted like fresh snow.

- Yeah, I know the stuff.

- And then I ordered
lobster and caviar

and five servings of
this special Kobe beef.

- Oh, good for you and
later I'll show you a trick

where you can eat what you
want and still keep your figure.

- Kevin, that Kobe
beef is pretty expensive.

- Are you kidding, that
was nothing compared to

this watch I bought; the diamonds
match the ones on my belt.

- Hey, I have belt like that,
I pulled it off Liza Minnelli

when she was taking a
nap on a bathroom floor.

God I love the Oscars.

- Kevin, you can't afford that.

You're only getting
a $50 a week raise.

- Yeah, but it's like you said,

now that I'm a go
getter I can expect

more promotions and more
raises; like maybe one right now.

- Kevin, you gotta
take all that stuff back

and start living
within your means.

- Well, you said more
promotions more money.

- I said maybe, in time.

- No more promotions more
money, more promotions more money.

- Kevin, no.

- Now I can't afford this
fancy Risotto lifestyle

and plain rice just
taste like crap to me.

My life is ruined.

- We did it, we finally
got our revenge on Kevin.

- Nina, we were
trying to help him.

- Oh, whoops.

- We need to talk.

- I think we've said everything
that needs to be said.

- Okay, well then just listen.

Amy's in her office right
now, deciding who she wants.

You know what that means?

- I don't care.

- That means one
of us is going to lose.

- Well, it's not going to be me.

- Are you willing to
take that chance?

Because after today,
one of use will never again

smell her sweet skin
or feel her silky hair

or be held in the air
during the height of passion.

- What was that last one?

- I don't seem to have the
normal amount of bones.

- What's the point of all this?

- Here it is, we're
both fighting for Amy

because we want
her for ourselves.

What if we both just share her?

Share her?

- It's so simple, you get her
one day, I get her the next.

You get her one
weekend, I get her the next.

But not this weekend
because this is the

Macy's Day White Sale and I
always wanted to bring a woman.

- Isn't this kind of immoral?

- Dude, no, I talked to my
friend who knows a minister

and he says it's totally cool.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, so think about
it, even if you were

deeply, deeply
in love with the girl

you don't want to spend
every second with her, do ya?

- I really do like my me time.

- You do and that's not
selfish, that's just practical.

- You know, I think she
might actually go for this.

She's progressive,
she's unconventional,

and she likes us both.

- Yeah, so what do you
say, you wanna do this?

- I think I do.

- See, that's called team work.

- Hey, we'll tell her
tonight over dinner.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll call
and make a reservation.

- Oh, she is one lucky woman.

Bartini, yeah for three.

- Ah, Kevin.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Gallo, I
wasn't going to steal it.

I just wanted to touch
something expensive

and for one second
be happy again.

My life is bad.

- No, it's not Kevin and I
owe you an apology, please.

This morning I gave
you some bad advice.

I told you that more money
leads to more happiness

when I knew that's
not really the case.

- Then why'd you say it?

- I said it because I
was jealous of you.

- Of me, because
I'm a good dancer?

- No Kevin, I was jealous
because you were happier than me.

- Oh come on, are
you sure it wasn't

just a little bit
because of this?

- Look, what I'm
saying is being rich

only makes me miserable;
the more stuff you have

the more you want
and you work so hard

you can't even enjoy anything.

- Really?

- Do you know I
have three houses?

What's a guys supposed
to do with three houses?

- You can give one to me.

- I betcha take it too,
no I've built this hell

and I have to live with it.

- Wow, I guess it really does

make sense that
you're miserable.

- You bet it does,
now if you don't mind

I have some work to finish up.

- Oh yes, your precious
work; it's built you a fortune

but it's also ruined
five marriages.

- Okay.

- And it kept you from
seeing your lovely daughter,

Maya, grow up and those
are years you'll never get back.

- Kevin, we both get the point.

- And how do you know
if people really like you?

I mean in the
end don't you think

they're just after your money?

That's how I felt today.

- Kevin, get out.

My life is bad.

- Hey, you know,
if it's cool with you

I'd like to switch
up next weekend.

My Nana's in town, I'd
love her to meet Amy.

- Not a problem, it's important
that we both be flexible.

- Yeah, you know what,
I'd like to make a toast.

To Elliot, my friend,
my better half,

and the third leg
in our tripod of love.

I'm kind of drunk already.

- Oh, there she is.

- Whoa, hey.

- Hi.

- Finch, Elliot?

- Yeah, here she comes.

- Woman of the hour.

- Okay, what's with you guys?

- Well, let's just say we're
full of surprises tonight,

aren't we Finch?

- Don't laugh like
that, it's creepy.

- Here us out, first of all,
on behalf of Finch and myself

we'd really like to apologize
for our recent behavior.

We were just jerks.

- Yeah, big fat jerks.

- Yeah, but we
talked and debated

and realized maybe
there's a better solution.

- A fairer solution.

- And what's that?

- The three of us are
now in a relationship.

- What?

- With each other.

- Champagne?

- Yeah.

- I'm not sure what to say.

- Can you believe that we
thought of this, yeah for us.

- Yeah, yeah, and it
totally makes sense.

For example, we'll all
have dinner together.

Then Finch will leave, you
and I will go back to my place

for a little jazz
and a little wine.

- Maybe a little cheese plate.

- He so knows me.

- Then tomorrow, I'll come by.

- You know, in time
for an omelet, I hope.

- I hope, then you and I
will haul ass down to the park

on my moped, feed the ducks,
not the swans they scare me,

and then come
tomorrow afternoon...

- Back to me again.

- See, we haven't taken
in to account your schedule

but we're both
willing to be flexible.

- Yes because we care about you.

- We think you might be the one.

- You guys are
a couple of idiots.

- You're so pretty.

- Did you guys really think
I would be okay with this?

- Well, what's it going to be?

- I'm not going to be
dating either one of you.

- What, you're
breaking up with us?

- Honey, when you're in a
relationship you communicate,

you don't just walk away.

- This is not a relationship,
we are not in a relationship.

- Well, you know for the
record, it was you who wanted

to date both of us.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah because I
wanted to see if one of you

had a long term
possibility, one of you.

- You're upset and
I understand why.

We haven't been a
very good boyfriend.

- Oh my god.

- Listen, let's
just sleep on it;

we'll talk about it tomorrow.

- You know what, I don't think

I'm going to be
at work tomorrow;

I've got a book
deal, you guys are

getting weird and I
really can't stand Maya.

Oh and tell Kevin I'll
see him tomorrow night.

- Well, that didn't work
out the way we planned.

- No, pretty opposite actually.

Well, I think I owe
you an apology.

- Why is that?

- I lied from the beginning,
I never slept with Amy.

- That's okay, I never
slept with her either.

You know, for a sexpert,
she's quite conservative.

I did get to second.

- Nice.

- Yeah.

You know in a weird way,
I think this has brought us

closer together as friends.

- Me too, buddy.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- We're Finch and Elliot.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter

♪ What I'm gonna do 'cause

♪ It's gotta mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you ♪