Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 6 - Finch Chasing Amy - full transcript

Jack's new point system causes Nina and Maya to compete for his approval. Finch and Elliot compete over Amy, each trying to outdo or embarrass the other.

- All I'm saying is that
women's self-loathing

can be measured with a
yard stick I call the bikini.

- Oooh.

I likes them little so
they don't hold in the big.

Could you not stare at my chest

when you say things like that?

Uh, sure. Can you turn
around and bend over?

Ah, that'd be great.

- You know, Finch, I
admire your honesty.

- You know, Elliot, I
admire your feminine boots.

Oh, Amy's here! Look at Amy!

Hi, everybody! Say hi to Amy.

Hey, Amy.

- Um, hi.

Is Jack around? I wanted
to pitch him an idea.

- No he's not but
why don't you tell me

and I'll pass it along.

I'm kind of the man
behind the man.

I mean, not like that.

I mean I'm not back
there doing stuff.


Well, basically, it's an article

about how women should take
the time to pleasure themselves.

- I think you should write that.

- Yeah I'll just catch
up with Jack later.

Oh hey, Maya, do
you have a minute?

I need some help with
this article I want to write.

- Oh, Amy, I'd love to.

That means so much
to me that you'd ask.

- Oh great! Okay.

All right. Question number one.

When you're pleasuring yourself,

do you concentrate
on one particular area

or do you explore
your entire body?

- It's not even
10:00 in the morning!

- Did I say something weird?

- Solid journalism.

Ah! Mrs. Adler.

Can I ask you a
personal question?

Oh my God. She is so hot.

- Oh. What a mouth on her.

- Oh so is that it? Is
that all you have to do?

You have to wear tight clothes

and say words like buttocks
and vulva and testes?

- What are testes?
- Huh?

Look it's not just about how
she dresses and how she talks.

- Oh, really?
- Really, yes.

She's also very
intelligent and very

charismatic and very creative.

Which is why I look
forward to the two of us

becoming a sweaty
tangle of limbs.

- Remember when you told
me you'd love me forever?

- Crazy, huh?
- Yeah.

- Whoa, whoa
whoa. Wait a second.

You and Amy?

- I guarantee it, my friend.

Yeah? A little
chuckle there, huh?

You laughing at me?

- Yeah. Let me
tell you something.

I got my little sights set on
Amy too so the race is on.

- Finch, buddy,
do yourself a favor.

Let it go. She's mine.

- No, no. She's mine.

- No, no...
- Mine mine mines!

- I find this whole competition
juvenile and repulsive

and I can't believe you guys
are treating a woman like this.

- We did the same thing
when you first got here.

- You did?

Oh thanks, guys!

- So the spread would
feature actual gang members

wearing Todd Herman clothes.

- Two opposing gangs
coming together in peace.

- And they're spray
painting the words

"Fashion Unites on the
Steps of Lincoln Center".

- Is that everything?

- Yes I think it
would be a great way

to kick off the
spring fashion issue.

- So what do you think?

- First impression?

- Go on.

- Are you kidding me?
Is that your response?

- Well I didn't like it.
I wanted to be clear.

- That's so rude!

- Hey I was just kidding.

I mean I hated the
idea but I tried to couch it

in a funny gesture, you
know, to soften the blow.

That's good management, Maya.

- You know there's
something to be said

for positive reinforcement.

Yeah. It's this.

- Dad, that's not funny.

Well actually it
is kind of funny.

- You like that one.

- Well I have to say, I'm
not particularly inspired

to work on this project anymore.

- Oh, thank you, Jack.
Thank you for that.

- Hey, Finch. What's going on?

- I'm devising a plan to take

Smelliot out of
the Amy equation.

See the candle burns the rope,

which starts the Victrola,

which plays the haunting melody,

causing the
elephant to stampede,

blah blah blah,

Elliot gets crushed under foot.

- Road Runner
marathon last night?

- Gotta get an edge over Elliot.

That fool.

This morning she sneezed
and then he said "bless you"

and he was right there with it.

I stood there frozen trying
to think of that German word.

- Gesundheit?

- Damn it! Where were you?

I could be schtupping
her right now.

- You guys are so ridiculous.

You're fighting
over Amy like she's

Molly Ringwald or something.

- You know there's a section

in the video store
called New Releases.

- Well if you're interested
in competing with Elliot,

you should know he's
already on the attack.

- He hasn't even
made a move on her

other than "bless you"
which was pure genius.

- Well exactly.

He's the only guy in this office
who hasn't approached her,

which is why he's the
only one on her mind.

- What?

He's just standing
over there like

the village idiot waiting
for his pie to cool.

- He's creating mystery.

Oh see? There she is.

And of course, she
can't help but look at him.

Here comes the invitation.

Ah see, the sip says
"I'm no longer brooding.

It's safe to approach".

And she does.
God I've been there.

- I have to admit
there is something

kind of sexy about
him right now.

Oh, perfect. She touches
him and what does he do?

Grabs her ass?

- Watch.

Oh my God he yawns!

He is making her work for it.

Look at that.

- She's got her hand on her boob

and he's not even looking!

- I'm sorry,
Finch. It's all over.

Oh no.

I am not gonna sit here
idle while she doesn't.

Hey, Amy!


Yes. 8:00 dinner for two

and my date's name is
Amy not that you asked.

- Isn't there a phone
in your stupid studio?

- Last question.

Which of your desserts
make women the horniest?

- That's it. It's time
for the Finch attack.

I'm gonna spank it, crank
it, smack it on a bing bong.

Sorry, Jack, but
I'm not doing it.

- Not doing what?

- Being Amy's assistant.
It's too much work.

- But I...

- I know you have your
reasons. She's new.

She's on a deadline.
She's feeling overwhelmed.

- She's overwhelmed?

- Oh now you're
throwing that in my face?

- What are you talking about?

- That's no reason
to force her on me.

I can't work for you and
Amy. The answer is no.

- Wait, are you saying no to me?

- Yes I'm saying no.

- Say it again and
you're on the street.

You will work for me.
You will work for Amy.

- But Jack...

- No buts! This
discussion is over!

- I'm powerless against you.

- Slacker!

- It's all over, DiMauro.

I'm Amy's new assistant.


- So here's me. Zip zing!

Almost at the finish line.

About to grab Amy.

Here's you. "Oh I'm Elliot.

I tripped and twisted my
ankle in my sissy Italian boots."

- Who do you guys think you are,

Jack Nelson and Andrew McCarthy?

Get real.

- I'm gonna go
set up Amy's office,

do a little light typing,

and satisfy her
every sexual need.

- That's a great plan,
Finch! I'm really threatened!

Oh, I'm so screwed.

- What?

- Don't you see?

He's gonna be taking
care of her completely.

Every request, every wish,
every need, he'll fulfill it all.

This is what Finch does best.

- He's not that
good an assistant.

- He cooks and bottles
Jack a special shampoo!

- Listen, Elliot.

I'm gonna have to
cancel for tonight.

Finch has offered to
set up my office with me.

Fixed the paper jam!

- Oh great! That printer
was driving me crazy.

- Oh it's okay. That's my job.

Turning headaches into rainbows.

- Before we begin,
I thought about

what you said yesterday,
Maya, and you were right.

I was too harsh.

From now on I'm going
to be more encouraging.

- Okay, well thanks.

- So what do you got?

- How about this?

Instead of gang
members spray painting

Lincoln Center, we
use supermodels.

And that way, we're
still street but sexy.

- Nice work, Nina.
You get two points.

- What?

- From now on, when
one of you has a good idea,

you will receive anywhere
from one to five points.

- This is your take on
positive reinforcement?

Jack, look!

Well this mock up must
be worth three points.

- Three points?
More like four points.

- I'm on fire!

- This is totally demeaning!

- You know I'd feel the same way

if I was getting my ass kicked.

- It's six to nothing, Maya.

Better get on the stick.

- I'm not competing.


- Funny Nina made me laugh.

That's good for one point.

- This is ridiculous!

- You know, I almost
can't remember

what it's like not
to have points.

- Okay if we're
really gonna do this,

I'm the one who
made the mock up.

- I didn't know that.

And I'll just take
the four points

from Nina and give them to you.

- Well look who's ahead now!

- Oh not for long.

- We'll see.

- Ladies, there are
plenty of points to be won.

So far we've got gang
bangers and supermodels.

Let's start hearing
some other ideas.


- Golfers. Newsboys.
Junkies. Orthodox Jews!

- Jews are mine! Jews are mine!

- And left and right
and left and right

and now the blind is clean.

- Thanks, Finch. I really
appreciate you helping me.

- Oh my. Who is this
adorable ball of fur?

That's my cat, Mr. Caramel.

My grandmother gave him
to me on my 15th birthday.

A week before she died.

- Well I'm sure her spirit
lives on in Mr. Caramel.

- Grandma used to beat
me with a ping pong paddle

and lock me in the closet.

- Well anyway, cute cat.

So let's get this stapler going.

- Damn it!

- What? It's too hot? Too cold?

Cranky? Need soup?

- No, I just totally spaced.

I had an appointment
for a pedicure

at lunch and I missed it.

- Oh. I can give you a pedicure.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah! Give 'em to
Jack twice a week.

He sent me to Montreal
to take a class. Come on.

- Well I guess, if you
know what you're doing.

- Now just sit back and
give me those little piggies.


- Feels great.

- Yeah.

And left and right
and left and right

and now the nail is smooth.

You know I have to say, I
don't think I've ever had a man

take care of me like this.

- Well maybe you've
never had a man before.

- Oh hey, do you mind if I
edit my article while we do this?

- It doesn't affect
me. I'm a total pro.

- Okay.

Hey, what sounds hotter?

My glistening skin
or my wet skin?

- How about my moist skin?

- Moist. Moist is good.

Yes. Moist is good.

- Wow. You are a magician.

I do make dead skin disappear!

- What was that?

- Hmmm? Oh a
little TLC for the t-o-e.

- Yeah, but did you just...
- Yeah.

This one, up north, is
called le dip and swirl.

What the hell are you doing?!

- Oh the funky little gumdrops
and daddy wants more!

This is totally inappropriate.
Get out of here!

- But you said I was a magician.

- Get out!

- You let me polish you!

- Get out!

- I was gonna give
you French tips.

- Sounds like it
didn't go so well.

You know something tells me that

Amy's gonna be
available for dinner again.

- It's not over yet.

I got plenty more
tricks up my sleeve.

- Oh yeah? Bring it on.

- Count on it.

And you know what else?

- What?

- I got something of
hers you'll never have.

- Oh, what's that?

- Her toe ring.

- All right. This is crazy.

We're supposed to be
working on this together

and look at us!

We won't even share our ideas.

- What are you suggesting?

- I'm saying you can see
mine if I can see yours.

- Hey wait! This is blank!

- Ha! These are my real ideas.

I can't believe
you fell for that.

I get five points
for shrewdness!

- Oh yeah? Well I get
five points for tallness.

- Hey!
- Ha!

So now your ideas are my points.

Jack is gonna love these.

Out of my way, Maya.

- Those are mine!

- Hey if you think I
can't kick you in the head

you are wrong.

I was a dancer in Vegas.

- All right, look sister!

I didn't stay a virgin
through grad school

without learning a few moves.

- Okay, fine. Fine.

- Oh! Look. It's a
blizzard of ideas.

- You just crossed a line,
you played out showgirl.

- That looks delicious.

- Mmmm. Oh it is.

Outside of Firenze this is
the best tiramisu I've ever had.

- You think I
could have a taste?

- You think you deserve one?

- Yeah.

- Sorry, nope.
That's for me too.

- You are such a tease.

- Mm-hmm. Here.

- Mmmm. Mmmmmm.

- Isn't that nice?

- That's good.

You know, Elliot.

I know you've been after me
from the second you met me.


- Well you were
standing near the kitchen

for like 40 minutes.

I knew you were
waiting for something.

But I figured, he's
cute, he's trying hard,

let's see what
this guy is about.

- You earned yourself
another spoonful.

I got this.

I got this.

With Monopoly money.

Oh it's all right I'll
just put it on my...

Official Bikini
Inspector ID card.

- Here, listen, we'll
have another round

and could we have
another tiramisu?

It's my turn to tease him.

Amy. Amy.

Finch, what are you doing here?

- Oh, wait no. Let me guess.

You're gonna offer
to braid my hair

so you can unhook my bra.

- No this is an emergency.

You gotta come
with me right now.

- Wait what's going on?

- Your cleaning lady called.

Something's wrong with your cat.

- What happened?
What did she say?

- I couldn't
understand everything.

She was speaking Spanish.

- She's Russian.

- Then God know what
kind of folk remedies

she's gonna use
on him, let's go!

Amy. There's nothing
wrong with your cat.

- What do you mean?

- Nice try, Finch.

The Monopoly money, the
fake ID card, now the sick cat.

It's not gonna work
this time, my friend.

He's trying to ruin our date.

- Listen, Amy. I would
never lie about a cat.

- What kind of
person are you, Finch?

Take two yellows
and a blue for the cab.

- He is unbelievable.

- Sorry about that.

No, you know what?

Let's forget about him.

- I would love to
forget about him.

- We'll have a drink...
- Good.

- We'll relax and see
where the evening takes us.

And who knows?

Maybe later I'll let
you braid my hair.

- What?


- Maya, Nina, is there
something wrong?

- I don't know how
to tell you this but

we didn't do so well
with the points system.

Some of us did worse than others

but it's not important now.

- We know the
meeting is in ten minutes

and the truth is
we've got nothing.

- Some of us more
nothing than others.

Again, not important.

- I'm sorry, Dad.

- We let you down, Jack.

- Whatever, we'll just
go with the first idea.

- What?

- You know the one
about the gang members

in the fancy clothes spray
painting Lincoln Center?

That felt fresh!

- Felt fresh?

What the hell was the
gesture and disgusting noise?

- I don't know, I guess
I was in a bad mood.

- Whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa. Whoa.

You put us through all this
'cause you were in a bad mood?

- Yeah I just said that.

- Then degraded
us and humiliated us

with your stupid points system?

- Yeah... Dad, you are a jackass

and I have only one
thing to say to you!

- Does this mean?

- You win!

Live, damn it. Live.

- What's going on?

- Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

- What?

- Heart failure, you moron.

- Oh my, Mr. Caramel.

- Continue chest compressions.

I'm going mouth to nose.

- Okay.

Dennis, Dennis,
please don't let him die.

- It's a scam!

- No no no! That
young lady is a hero.

- No, no.

That young lady wants to
sleep with this young lady.

- Elliot, he's not lying.

- That's what he does. He
lies, sometimes for no reason.

- I'm getting something.
I'm getting something.

He's alive! He's alive!

- Thank you, Finch!

- Oh, don't thank me.

Thank God for giving
me the powers to heal.

- Oh come here Mr. Caramel.

- I can't believe
you're buying this stuff.

- But it is true. The cat drank
from my ammonia bucket.

- How much did he pay you?

- Elliot, stop it.

You're scaring Mrs. Kaminski.

- I'm onto you, lady.

You really better take
him right to the vet.

- Will you go with me?

- Try and stop me.

- Listen, Finch.

I'm really sorry I
thought you were lying.

Can you ever forgive me?

- Done.

- Mmmm.

- Let's go get your
squeaky cheese wedge.

- So should I just chill the
wine until you get back?

- I think you should go.

- So I guess the cat
really was sick, huh?

- Yeah it was real close.

- You know what?

Just for the record,
I'm still the cool one.

- Absolutely, man.

- I'm sorry I doubted you.

- It's okay.

- Mrs. Kaminsky?

You did good.

Keep your mouth shut and
there's more where his came from.

Those blues are worth 500 each.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you