Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 5 - Maya Judging Amy - full transcript

Maya's new assistant will stop at nothing to get ahead fast. She goes over Maya's head to get Jack to hire her as the new sex columnist. Elliot sets Kevin up with a date, but Kevin can't let Elliot go.

- Hey you know, thank
you so much for coming

into interview Randy.
It's really a pleasure.

- Had I known that you and I

would've have made
the most awesome duo.

Going after work, scanning
guys, getting wasted.

- Yeah. Okay we'll be in touch.

- Awesome! I'm drunk right now.

- Ugh. Whoever thought finding

an assistant would
be this difficult?

- Well take your time,
the right assistant

will never let you down.

It may even become your friend.

- Dad, it is standing
right next to you.

- Oh right. So.

- It's okay, it just
got goosebumps.

- Dennis, are you
wearing nail polish?

- It's a clear enamel for
today's professional man.

- Anyways, I think my
next candidate is the one.

Amy Watson, she went to
Yale, she double majored

in English Lit, and
Women's Studies,

and she's been in
the last couple of years

teaching in Prague.

- Oh, she's going to
be harrier than a wooky.

- I don't care what
she looks like.

As long as she's smart,
ambitious, and competent.

- And hides under
a bridge waiting

to feed on stray goats.

- Alright we can
end this discussion

right now if you
agree to hire a man.

This man, his name is Nacho.

He works at my dry cleaners,
but he wants to be an actor.

- Just let me know
when Amy gets here.

- Hey, he can lick
his own eyebrows!

- Hey, let me see that.

I seen this dude in a movie.

A movie with all dudes.

- And why were you watching it?

- I test myself once
a year. I was A-Okay.

- Excuse me, hi. I'm Amy Watson.

I'm here to see Maya Gallo.

- Amy Watson?
But you're not hairy,

you're not hairy at all.

- She's actually quite smooth.

- I'll just start
knocking on doors.

- Let me escort you young lady.

You know, I've been here forever

and this place
can be like a maze.

Here we are.

- Maya, your interview is here.

- Hi, I'm Amy.

It's really nice to meet you.

- Oh, you too. Have a seat.

- Thanks.

Oh my God, are you reading

Theodore Dreiser's
Sister Carrie?

- Second time.

- I'm on my third.

- Dreiser's awesome, isn't he?

I love his stuff.

Hey, listen, here's
a crazy idea.

Why don't we throw
on our swim trunks,

Slop on SPF, go
crash the therapy pool

over the senior center?
That can be cool.

I'm just throwing out stuff.

My granps lives there,
we can use his towels.

Man look at Amy.

I wish I was that coffee mug

'cause then her lips
would be all over me.

- I wish I was that spoon,

'cause then Amy
would be holding me

by my ankles and dipping my head

in the steaming hot coffee.

- Woah, who is that?

- That's Amy.
Maya's new assistant.

And if there's a God
by the end of the day,

I'll be riding like a Big Wheel.

- Gentlemen.

Need I remind you, this
is a place of business.

Well at least hold
some work in front of you

so it looks like you're
doing something!

Buzz me if she
takes off the jacket.

- It hurts to look at her.

I haven't been with a
woman in two weeks.

- Yeah, it's been
almost a month for me.

- My life is bad.

- You know, Kevin, I
know a lot of single women.

If you'd like, I can set you up.

- If this is a joke, it can
end very badly for you.

- No no, I'm serious.

If you want, I can help you out.

- We are talking
about girls right?

I mean, you're not
gonna "help me out".

- No.

- Good, then we're on.

- Guys it's hard to focus on Amy

with you two talking
about doing it.

Can we get back to
the business in hand?

- We look like a bunch
of jackasses right now.

- Hi Maya.

- Hi Amy. Nina do you know
newest assistant, Amy Watson?

- It's really nice to meet you.

- Oh, and very nice to meet you.

Maya you and I need to

- She's talking about Finch.

What was that about?

- Why would you hire that girl?

- Why wouldn't I? She's great!

- My poor little Maya.

Your brain is thicker
than a milkshake

and not nearly as delicious.

- What?

- Oh, it's school time.

Now Maya, Lush magazine
is like an aquarium.

An aquarium where fish work
together to put out a magazine.

- You know I got some stuff-

- Just hear me out.

Now in this aquarium
there are many many

different varieties of fish.

There's the small
goldfish like Finch.

Huge octopus like Jack.

Beautiful starfish, that
would be yours truly.

And a crusty
barnacle, like yourself.

- Hey.

- Okay you can be a sandworm.

The point is, you
hiring Amy was like

putting a black widow
into our little aquarium.

- That's not even a fish!

- Exactly! So what
is she doing here?

- You're all wrong about
her, she's wonderful!

- No, I know this
woman, I was this woman.

She will do anything
to get what she wants.

She will use her brains,
her body, and her ability

to make a person
climax with her mind.

- No one can do that.

Okay, just stop it!

Besides, that's not who Amy is.

She's like me.
Determined to succeed

through hard work and
intelligence, and nothing else.

- I know why you're
not threatened.

Because your breasts
are bigger than hers.

But she's young! They
could still be growing.

- I'm sure you're wrong.

Besides, she's just a woman.

- Fox fire, fox fire.

- I got butterflies
in my stomach.

- Kevin that's just nerves.

- No, they're real
butterflies. Long story.

- I'd save that story
for second date.

- Hey look, there she is.

- Holy moly, she
really puts it out there.

- Hey Penny. This is Kevin.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Guess what I ate?

- Second date, second date.

- Kevin why don't you sit here?

Or there, okay.

- Why don't we order some beers?

- I don't really like beer.

- Me neither.

- Well lets order
something else then.

- Like what Elliot?
I'm not a mind reader.

- I don't know, anything.

- Do they have pineapple juice?

- I love pineapples.

Wait, they have a juice now?

- Yeah, it's great.

It's like having a pineapple

without tearing up your gums.

- I hear that.

- Unless you drink it wrong.

- You're funny.

- You're funny.

- Well it appears my
work here is done.

Once again, I have
the demerol magic.

Alright you kids,
I'll see you later.

- Wait, where are you going?

- You don't need me here.

Just be yourself.

- Are you okay?

Is that a butterfly?

- Ta-da.

- Finch, if you're trying
to check out my breasts,

it's much better
view from down here.

- Excuse me?

- You've been trying
to look at them all day.

Let's get this over with.

- Well, you like games baby?

'Caused I'm gamey Amy.

But you're messing master-

- Hey, Ames, can I
see you for a sec?

- Yeah.

Hey, alright, what's up?

- I just wanted
to wrap a little bit.

See how you're settling in.

- Fine so far.

- Good, you know, I used
to be an assistant too.

Oh, Mr. Finkle, he
was one tough boss.

Behind his back we used
to call him Mr. Stinkle.

- Smell bad?

- No, that's the funny part.

He was completely odorless.

- That's pretty crazy.

- I know. Listen. Amester,
I had an idea for you.

Back when I was starting out,

me and the other
assistants would go out

to meet for Mexican food,
we just gab and network,

you know talk about
out five-year plans.

I think you would benefit
from that same experience.

There are a lot of up
and comers around here.

- Oh, no offense but I
really don't want to be

wasting my time, chatting
about my hopes and dreams

over a plate of tacitos.

- 'Kay. Not your thing.

Worked for me, but whatever.

- But it's just, I
wanna be a writer.

So, wouldn't it
be smart if I just

gave my articles to someone
who could actually help me?

Like you!

- Oh, well sure I'd
love to look at them.

Once you've settled
in, paid your dues.

- These are really good.

You're gonna read this, and want

to put them in your magazine.

- Alright. Fine,
I'll take a look.

- Thank you.

- This article is about penises.

- Yeah, all kinds.

It's the kind of edginess I
think this magazine needs.

- I don't think this
is the best sample

for you to start with.

- Oh well, I have others.

One on body piercing, an
expose of a bondage club.

And a piece on making
love to an obese man.

- You know, I don't think these

are what we're
looking for right now.

- You know, I think you're
missing an opportunity here.

- Well that is a risk
I'm willing to take.

I think that you
should go out there

and get some assistant done.

- I can't believe her.

- Yeah, she's weird.

Hey listen, for,
just so you know,

when I ran away, wasn't 'cause
I was scared of your boobs.

I saw a bee, there's
one flying around.

- You know, if she's
not gonna help me out,

somebody else will.

- Hey anyway, so a bunch of us

might hit the sit
the Silver Taco later,

get some margaritas,
maybe a plate tacitos,

just see what's up you know.

- Hey, Mr. Gallo.
I was wondering

if I could have a
minute of your time.

I have these great
new ideas that I think

you'll be very interested in.

If you're not afraid
to take a risk.

- I got a couple of minutes.

Fine, I will think about it.

I'll be Tia, big
donkey full of salsa.

- So then she handed
me this article on boy parts.

And I said that I
really didn't think

that was appropriate and I
think she got the message.

- Oh she got the message.

She gave the
articles to your father.

- What? Can't believe
she went over my head.

Or maybe it was my
fault because I wasn't-

- Wake up!

- You scared me.

- Well good, maybe
now you can go out

and do what you have to do.

- What's that?

- Fire her.

- Well, I can't just do that.

- Oh, I'm sorry I
forgot I was standing

in the office of a
wimpy McDoNothing!

The vice president
of being crapped on.

- Hey, she was
the most qualified!

I'm going to kick your ass!

- Well good!

Damn time. Now why don't
you just take that energy

and do what needs to be done.

- I guess I could fire her.

- Yes, fire her.

- Okay, I'll fire her.

- You fire her
before she fires you.

- Well technically I
don't think she can-

- Maya she threw her
soda can in the trash.

Not the recycling
bin, the trash.

- She is toast.

- Hey Kevin, how'd it go?

- What have you done to me?

- Easy buddy. What's wrong?

- Penny asked me to
go to the movies tonight

and it's all your fault.

- That's great Kevin.

- You don't get it.
When you were with us

I was so smooth,
but as soon as you left

I got so nervous that I
started naming all the kids

I went to bible camp with.

Jimmy, Adam, Daniel.

- I understand, I understand.

But there's no reason
for you to be nervous.

She asked you out to the movies,

because she likes you.

- She likes me?

- Yes.

- Oh my God, my tongue
feels like a hot egg.

- It's okay. You're
gonna be fine.

- You have to come with
us to the movies tonight.

- Alright I'll go with you,

but just to get the
ball rolling, and pfft.

- Alright, thanks Elliot.

I'll even let you
pick the movie.

As long as it's not one with one

with animals talk like humans.

That always scares
the hell out of me.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?

- Over four minutes
ago, where were you?

- I was talking to Jack.

And actually, I
need to talk to you.

- You just love talking
to people, don't you?

You're a little talky
talky, chatty caffy.

Well maybe it's
time for you to listen.

- Okay. Well you
go, and then I'll go.

- Oh I'll go! But not
because you said so.

Because I'm the boss.

- Fine, Maya. What do you want?

- I want to fire you.

I mean, I'm firing you.

I meant, I fired you.

You have just been fired!

- Is that all?

- No actually, it's not all.

I have a little
goodbye gift for you.

It's called advice.
On your next job,

just be quiet, do you work,

and keep your balloons
under the big top.

- Hey Maya, quiet a
first day for this one, huh?

- Oh you have no idea.

Amy would you like
to share your news?

- Sure. Your dad's just hired me

as the magazine's
new sex colonist.

- What?

- Amy, I just heard the
news. I couldn't be happier.

- This theater's nice.

Seats are comfortable.

Hotdogs aren't too sweaty.

I really like you Kevin.

- Hey guys.

- Oh look, it's Elliot.

- Want some popcorn?

- No thanks.

Why is he here?

- I don't know. He
follows me everywhere.

I wish he'd leave.

Don't leave.

- I'm not gonna leave.

- I want this to be just us,
can you say something?

- Alright.

Listen man, you need to go.

- What?

- You heard me loser.

- Fine, I'm out of here.

- Please stay.

- What?

- You're not a
loser, I'm scared.

- Didn't you hear him?

- Yeah man, get out of here.

- The Chinos!

You know what, I'm going home.

- I'm sorry Elliot,
please don't go.

- Kevin, what's going on?

- I don't know.

- It's alright Kevin. Just
tell her why I'm here.

- Alright.

I wanted Elliot to come
because I'm really nervous.

I've never been alone
with someone so beautiful.

- You think I'm beautiful?

- Yeah.

- Awe. Kevin. Kiss me.

- Really?

- Kiss me a lot.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- I read your articles.

They are actually pretty good.

- Well, thank you.

- Which makes the way you behave

even harder for
me to understand.

- So, I'm not ashamed
of flirting a little.

It didn't seem to hurt me today.

- You know Amy, it's not
always going to be a man

who can promote you.

And when a woman is in charge,

your little games aren't
going to work anymore.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

- Probably?

Definitely right.

- You just don't understand
how hard today was for me.

- What do you mean?

- I was so nervous
coming to work for you.

- You were?

- Yeah. I mean you're
so smart and creative.

Standing next you,
I feel like a nobody.

- Oh Amy, don't say that.

- And it's not just
how bright you are,

you're all so beautiful.

- That's so sweet of you to say.

- You've got that
incredible body.

- I wear ankle weights
when I do chores.

- Those gorgeous brown eyes,

and those full lips.

- Sometimes, it's like
the others don't notice.

- I notice.


- Yes Amy?

- I think my little games
just worked on a woman.

See you tomorrow!

- Hey! No!

I knew that you
were doing something

and I was playing a game too!

I had you so turned on.

- You love me, don't you?