Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 17 - Educating Finch - full transcript

Jack agrees to pay for tutoring because Finch isn't doing well in college. After learning his tutor is also a masseuse, Finch trades the tutoring sessions for massages. Elliot shows a nude photo of a sleeping Maya at an exhibition.

- Hey Nina, Nina?

I have to pick a photo for a
gallery show I'm in tonight.

What do you think?

- Well, I like the homeless man.

- That's my grandmother.

No, No.

No, this guy.

This old, grubby, balding one.

- Yeah, that's my grandmother.

She's just old.

Look, I need your help.

I can only pick one.

- Boo, boo, boo.

Oh, oh I love this nude.

- Yeah, I can't use it.

- But, babe, it's the best one.

It's subtle, it's
powerful, it's sensual.

- It's Maya.

- You're kidding?

- Yeah, took it when
we were going out.

- You mean she actually
posed nude for you?

- She didn't pose so much
as got drunk, passed out,

and I just started snapping.

- You have to use this picture.

- I can't, forget it.

She doesn't even know about it.

You know, she'd never
give me permission to use it.

- No, you just do it.

You don't ask her.

You just...
- I can't, I can't.

- Look, Elliot,
it's very simple.

You either use this picture

and let the world see
that you're an artist,

or you use this one
and let the world know

that your grandmother
is Merle Haggard.

- Dennis, where's my
practice putting green?

Better yet, just come
stand in the corner

and make a v
with your little feet.

- Sure.

I just got to get a little
study session in here.

We're almost done, go ahead.

- In what year did the
Spanish American War begin?

- Wait a minute, this
is a trick question.

Spain would never
take us on, right?

We'd kick their
asses, right dude?

Am I right?

- Why am I spending
all this money

on your college education?

I thought you were
gonna buckle down

and study for this exam.

- I'm trying but when I study
it's like I'm teaching myself

and I'm an idiot.

I'm being taught by an idiot.

- I'm just trying to help you!

- Listen, Dennis,
you're not an idiot.

It's just that college level
courses can be very difficult.

You know what you need?

A tutor.

- Yeah but tutors
cost like $25 an hour.

I don't have that kind of money.

Of course, Chip and
Dales might need dancers.

- What the hell.

I'll pay for your tutor.

I've already thrown $10,000

down that sinkhole
you call college.

What's $25 more?


Woo, no pen, no paper!

I did it all in me brains.

I'm a human abacus.

- I see what you're doing
here with this soft shadow

and marriage of
lights and darks.

Your choice exists in what is
not represented by this image,

not by what is.

- Could you jot that down?

I want to yap that
stuff back to people.

There he is.

Your photo is the
hit of this show.

You should betray
Maya more often.

- Well, Maya was part
of my life, thank you,

and all I'm doing is sharing
my life with the world.

That's what artists do.

- Well, that convinced me.

Now here comes
your big challenge.

- Hi, Elliot.
- Oh, God.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I can't believe
you didn't tell me.

- Well, maybe he did,

but you were just
drunk and passed out.

- It was just one
picture, no big deal.

- Well, thank God Nina told me

or else I would have
missed the whole thing.

- I'm sorry but, you know,
I'd been a little annoyed

with you lately, and
we'll talk about it later.

- So, where's your piece?

- It's right over here.

Right over here.

- You took this picture?

- Sure did.

- It's called self portrait.

Yes, yes.

This is how I see myself.

- As a man named Mark Crendal?

- Yes, yes, I see
myself as Mark Crendal.

Aren't we all Mark
Crendals, really?

- Hello, I'm Mark Crendal.

- See, Maya, this guy gets it.

- It's over here.

- Elliot, I love it.

- You do?

- Yes, I do.

And I love that you
chose a real woman

instead of some
idealized model body.

Oh, look.

A faint imprint of
an elastic waistband.

This woman wears those
cozy big granny panties

and she's proud
of it, not ashamed.

And she's dellusional.

Look closer.

- Maya, cubes of cheese.

What do you say we
fill our pockets, huh?

You know, I can actually
see myself in this woman,

right down to the birth mark.

- Oh, even the slowest boat

eventually gets
across the river.

- How did you?

I never posed for this.

- Gee, I wonder how
he took the picture.

Maybe glug, glug.

- I can't believe you
took a naked picture

of me without even asking.

- Look, I know
you think that this

is just a picture of you
naked, but it's more than that.

It's art.

Hold on a second,
I got it written down.

Forget it, Elliot.

- Wait, here it is, here it is.

I think you're a cutie.

Meet me in the men's room.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just gonna get
a little studying in

before the tutor gets here.

- Sure was nice of Mr. Gallo
to give you the money for that.

- Yeah, knowing his behind,
he makes me work extra hard.

Check this out.

I got a new system here to
memorize all the presidents.

Watch this, all right?

President number
one, Washington.

How do I know that?

Because he's on
the one dollar bill.


- Yeah, and now add one
more man, what do you got?

- Add man?

- Yeah, now flip it
around, drop the n,

and add a zzz and you got Adams.

President number two.

- This is incredible, go on.

- Yeah, that's as far as I got.

- Still, incredible.


She will help me with the rest.

- Hi, I'm Ruth.

- Ruth, like tutor but
with an r and no turn-uth.

I'm Dennis.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, hey, can I
get you a drink Rutor?

I mean, Ruth.

What did I say? I'm sorry.

Dammit, my head's so
jammed with facts, it's confusing.

- Well, that's why I'm here.

- I've got to get going.

I've got a ticket
to see Seussical.

I found it in the street.

- So, we should get started.

We've only got an hour.

- Okay, right this way.

I was wondering if I
could maybe do two hours

because I got a lot
of catching up to do.

- No, I'm sorry.

I've got an appointment
right after you.

- Who's the poor sucker
getting the sloppy seconds

off my good learning?

- Actually, you're my
only tutoring session today.

I'm also a massage therapist.



- So, I know you said
you're currently studying

the Spanish American
War, so let's start there.

It's important to remember
Cuba's proximity to...

- To Spanish America, yeah.

Listen, Ruth.

Educate me.

How much does a
massage go for these days?

- It's $50.

- Hmm, well.

And this is $25 an hour?

So, just to apply
a little algebra,

that would equal
two tutoring sessions.

- Yeah, I guess it would.

- Go figure.

Anyway, we're
talking about Cuba.

Let me just grab my pen
here, ow, whoa, tight, tight.

It's the whole traps.

It's all jammed up like Cuba.

I hope it doesn't get in
the way of my studying.

- Let me just take a
shot in the dark here.

Would you rather have a massage?

- Try to focus
mainly on the glutes.

- Still can't believe
what Elliot did.

I mean, I feel

hurt or betrayed.

Is there a word between
hurt and betrayed?

- It's bored.

Horribly bored.

You don't know the first
thing about throwing a hissy fit.

You should be
flying off the handle.

You should be breaking things.

You should be waking up
tomorrow in a desperate panic,

smelling of
gasoline, and saying,

"What the hell have I done?"

- Hey.

We need to talk.

- Yes, yes, that's exactly
what we need to do.

We need to talk a lot, and
listen, and maybe think.

- Would somebody
please stab somebody?

Nina, could you just
give us a moment alone?

- All right, fine, fine,
but when I come back,

if he doesn't at least have
a flesh wound I'm going

to have to seriously
re-evaluate our friendship.

Look, Maya, I'm sorry.

But when I took that
picture we were in love.

That morning, I was
overcome by what I felt for you.

That wasn't your body
exposed on that gallery wall.

That was my naked heart.

- Oh, Elliot.

- Plus, I brought
you some chocolates.

- The picture was beautiful,

and I forgive you.

- Great!

Can I take about 100
more nude photos of you?


- The gallery loved the
picture so much they wanted

to see the rest of the series.

- There is no
rest of the series.

- No, but when I lied to
them and told them there was,

they said they'd give
me my own show.

- Elliot.

- But, I thought you'd
be happy for me.

See, this time I'm lying
to them and not to you.

- I don't want you
to lie to anyone.

- Me neither.

I hate lying.

And only you, you can help
me spin my liaisons of the truth.

- Okay, I'll do it.

I'll pose for you.

- Really?
- Mmhmm.

- Thank you, Maya.

- You're welcome.

- You know, maybe I should
take those chocolates with me.

We don't want you all
porked out for the photo.

- Hey, Jack, you
wanted to see me?

- Yes, I want you to do a
little typing on my computer.

I have a few questions
for this Jeeves.

Hey, how did the
tutoring go last night?

- Oh, it was great.

Of course, it was great.

You know why?

Because there's nothing
as satisfying as learning.

Yeah, you're
preaching to the choir.

I mean, sure, there's pie,
but pie only fills you here.

Learning fills you here.

Learning is pie for the mind

or mind pie.

I'm proud of you, Dennis.

- Dammit, I can't do this.

- Can't do what?

- I spent all the money
you gave me on a massage.

- I can't believe this.

I pay for your college,
I pay for your tutoring,

and this is how you
show your thanks?

- I'm sorry.

- So, how'd you get caught?

- I didn't get caught.

- Well, you obviously
did something.

You wouldn't have told me.

- My tummy feels funny.


You told me because
you feel guilty?

- I guess.

- This is a great day!

- You're not mad?

- Just the opposite.

I don't think I've ever
seen you this honest.

I mean, unless it was a scam
or you knew I'd find out or,

hold on, is Elliot getting
screwed in this somehow?


- Incredible.

This isn't just mind
pie, this is soul pie.

You're changing!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, I
don't know about changing.

- Maybe it's college
or this adult puberty

you're always talking about.

I think you're making

too big a deal out of this.

- Who's the big boy?

- I'm not changing.

I like the way I am.

- Too bad because
it's already happened.

- No it hasn't and
I'm gonna prove it.

- You're a
delightful little thing.

- Really?

So is the devil.

- Okay, so why don't
you take your robe off

and just lie on the bed?

- I feel weird about this.

- Maya, I'm a professional.

Think of me as a doctor.

A doctor you once
took baths with.

- You know, I think that's it.

We have so much
history together.

I know what would help.

A glass of wine.

- That's a great idea.

You should have some.

- I think I have some.
- All right, great.

Hey, what's this photo
of us on your dresser?

Oh, remember?

That was when we drove
up-state for Halloween.

- Oh, yeah.

We stopped off at
that pumpkin farm.

God I love those pumpkins.

- Hey, you know what?

This is a bottle of
the Phillip Sky Merlot

that we got on that trip.

- No, Maya, really.

I can't, I mean, I have
to take the photos.

- Well, I'm not
going to drink alone.

- No, for real, for real.

I just have to keep my
head as clear as possible.

- This takes me back.

Remember that
night that it rained

and we had to run all
the way back to the Inn?

- I remember the
pumpkins got all wet.

- We opened a
bottle, little fire,

and ended up staying
up all night talking

and laughing and
snuggling and making love.

- Yeah, well when
you think about it,

all I really have to do
is push a little button.

- Good morning, Dennis.

Morning, Jack.

Hey, how about a piece of gum?

- Sure.

Okay, Dennis.

We need to talk.

- Sorry if my devilish prank

caught you off guard.

- Look, Dennis, I've
been doing some thinking.

- Oh, good for you.

More gum?

- I'm not paying for
your college anymore.

- Wait, what?

- You've proved your point.

You're not changing,
you're not growing up.

College is a waste of
your time and my money.

You can go.

- This isn't fair.

All because I don't
want to change?

- Dennis, tell me something.

Where are you
gonna be in 10 years?

- Standing out there.

- 20 years?

Out there.

- 30 years, 40 years, 50 years?

- Out there, out there,

buried next to you in
the Gallo family tomb.

- All right.

Listen to me, Dennis.

All you've ever done is
take the easy way out,

and if you do that
for the rest of your life,

you're going to
regret it, I guarantee it.

- I just don't want to fail.

Maybe if I had someone
who believed in me.

- Oh, God.

- My own father's a cold man.

- Fine, okay, I believe in you.

- You do?

- Dennis.

- I know, I know.

Listen, I'm supposed
to act like a grown up

and I'm gonna start right now.

I'm gonna study for that
test and I'm gonna pass it.

- There you go.

- Right, thanks, Jack.

- You're welcome.

- A grown up knows when
it's time to leave the office.

Of course.

- That time is now.

So much to learn.

- That's your revenge?

You flirted with him
and gave him wine?

Wine laced with
cat tranquilizers.

He's not the only person
who can take a naked picture

of somebody when
they're passed out.

- Is that a flower
poking out of his...

- I used gardening gloves.

- Maya, I have never
been more proud of you.

- Hey.

Nina, do you mind
leaving us alone?

- Oh, of course.

Be sure to show
him the pictures.

- Yeah, I will.

- I just don't want
you to forget.

- No, I won't.

- You know the
pictures I'm talking about.

- There's something
I want to ask you.

Did anything, you know,
happen between us last night?

- Well, we didn't have sex if
that's what you're wondering.

Good, good, because I've
been doing some thinking.

You see, when we broke
up, I lost you and it hurt.

Now that we're friends again,

I just don't want
to mess that up.

You just mean too much to me.



- What?

- Well, see, I had the thing

and it was gonna
be really great,

but now I can't do the thing.

- What was the thing?

- Oh, forget it.

- Hi.

Hey, you want to
grab some lunch?

- Sure.
- All right.

You know, it's a little weird

but I'm glad all this happened.

- Me too.

- Hey, before I forget,

let me go to the studio
and get you the negative

of that photo I should
never have taken.

I'm still so sorry about that.

Well, this explains the
petals in my underwear.

- Got my test back.

- So, how'd you do?

- Too nervous to look.

Will you check out
my grade for me?

- C plus!

- Yeah, slightly
above average, yes.

- Congratulations,
I'm proud of you.

- Thanks.

You know what the best part is?

- What?

- I did it for you.

- You did it for yourself.

- No, actually I did it for you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- Well, you shouldn't have.
- But, I wanted to.

- But don't do it again.
- I will.

- But I said don't.
- But I have to.

- What the hell's
wrong with you?

- I'm growing up.

♪ I'm growing up.

♪ I want the world to know,

♪ Got to let it show.

♪ I'm growing up.

♪ Growing.

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you.

♪ Keeps me bringing me hard.

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ Cuz' it's got
a mind of its own.

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you.

♪ Yeah.