Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 16 - A Beautiful Mind - full transcript

Maya goes on a date with the office exterminator, Chris. She will be amazed at how much she actually likes him, though he is not the smartest. Finch and Elliot amuses himself by paying Kevin to eat junk.

- So then me and Cherise
and this French diplomat

ended up crashing
this party at Pastes,

and long story short, ta-da.

- Oh my god, is that
an engagement ring?

- I don't know.

I woke up on the floor of
my apartment this morning

and started coughing and it
just popped out of my mouth.

I am the luckiest
girl in the world.

- Hi, Maya.

- Hi, Chris.

- Who's this?



- Oh, this is Chris,
he's an exterminator.

He takes care of our building.

- Hi.

I brought you something.

- Oh, roses, I love roses.

- I remember you said.

I didn't think a dozen
roses would be enough

for a beautiful girl like
you, so I got you 12.

- You're sweet.

- Thanks, so anyway,
I was wondering,

maybe if you're not busy we
could do something tonight.

- Oh, I'm sorry, but
as usual, I'm busy.

- Okay, I understand.

Well, I'd love to stand
around here yakking all day



but the mices aren't
gonna kill themselves.

- Mices?

- Meese?

Mouses?

- Mice.

- Dammit, I knew that one.

- What a fox, why did
you turn him down?

- What, are you kidding?

He's not very bright.

- So what?

- I'd date him myself if I
wasn't already engaged

to whoever shoved this
beautiful diamond ring

down my throat.

- Did you hear him?

He said "mices."

- Well how many people
know the real word?

Come on, go for it.

- I don't know.

- Maya, a boy likes you.

A cute boy with muscles
and poison, now grab a shovel

and go and get some of that.

- Well, alright, I'll
go out with him.

But it is not going
to lead anywhere.

- Well it only has
to go one place.

- Nina.

- Your heart.

No, just kidding, I
meant the other place.

- Hey, Kevin, come here.

You're saving up for an
aquarium or something, right?

- Yeah, I dunno how
much longer my fish can live

in a drawer.

- Yeah, yeah right.

Hey, I'll give you 20
bucks if you eat this.

- Ugh.

I can smell it in
the back of my face.

- Yeah, but
you'll eat it, right?

- For 20 bucks?

Hell yeah.

- Wait hold on a second,
what are you doing, Kevin?

It's rotten food, don't let
him pressure you into...

Oh my God!

Oh my god, he did it.

That was awesome.

- It burns.

- What is going on over here?

- Jack, you've gotta see
this, Finch is paying Kevin

to eat garbage.

- You paid him to eat garbage?

- Yeah, yeah, I thought it
was kind of weird too at first

but actually it's kind of fun.

- Listen, Kevin is one
of God's creatures.

God's creatures
do not eat garbage.

- Raccoons do.

- Please, Kevin, you've
got garbage breath.

Dennis, go get us
some toothpaste.

And Elliot, you're a
senior staff member.

Try and show a little respect

for your co-workers, understood?

- Sure, Jack.

Hey Kevin, I'll give you 50
bucks if you eat the whole tube.

- I don't know, it looks
kind of tough to chew.

- No, just the paste.

- Oh, down the hatch.

- Oh my God.

Look at him go.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- Yeah, I got a call about
a hive of bees in here.

- Oh yeah, it's right
behind the door.

I had such a great
time last night.

- And the night before that.

- And the night before that.

- Wait, what night are we on?

- It doesn't matter.

- Maya, which of
these do you think...

Oh, well looka here.

- Hi Nina.

- Hello, Chris.

- Well I should get going.

Some guys found a bunch
of dead rats down on seven.

They're arranged in the
shape of a pentagram.

I'm just gonna go check it out.

See you later, sweetie.

- Okay.

- Be careful.

- So, you and Chris are
quite the couple, huh?

- Nina, I have to thank you.

He is amazing.

We've only gone
out a couple of times,

but he is so sweet and caring.

- Oh I know.

That's what I like the
most about the stupid.

They're so considerate.

- He's not stupid, he's
actually pretty smart.

- No, he's not.

- Okay, well maybe he's
not smart about book things,

but he's smart about
people, and feelings,

and he knows a lot about
tools, and bugs, and stuff.

- Oh, Maya, you
sound dumber already.

That dumb-dumb's
rubbing off on you.

- No no, don't say that.

Don't say that
about my boyfriend.

I called him my boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend.

- Just don't get pregnant.

That dumb baby will
never find it's way out.

- So, in summary, not
only is your Waffle Wizard

not the best waffle
maker I've used,

it is in fact, the worst.

- Sincerely, rich man
with nothing to do.

Okay, I'll fax it
over after lunch.

- Thanks.

Oh, so I heard you've
planned another freak show

with Kevin tomorrow.

- Yeah, he's gonna
eat a can of cat food.

- Horrible.

So when does this
travesty take place?

Lunchtime?

- Yeah, around then.

- Disgusting.

So I guess you'll be meeting
in the bullpen, 12:30ish?

- Oh, I get what's happening.

You wanna watch him
eat a little cat food, too.

- No.

The circus is in
town and big daddy

wants to peek under the tent.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Oh come on, you
likes it, you needs it,

and you gots to,
gots to haves it.

- Alright, I admits it.

I mean, as much as I hate
myself for it, there is a part

of me that is, is, is
drawn to the spectacle.

- Well don't be so
hard on yourself,

there's nothing wrong
with being a sicko.

- What do you mean?

- I'm telling you, people
have been sickos for years.

Like back in Rome,
everyone would cruise down

to the Coliseum to watch
lions rip people apart.

It was sick.

Good sick, yeah.

- But Rome fell.

How could I have
ever even considered

taking part in all this?

- You kidding?

It's on TV all the time.

Why would they put it on
TV if it wasn't good for you?

- Why?

Because this country is
turning into a cesspool, Dennis.

And you are a deep-sea diver.

- Cool.

- Not cool, disgusting.

This world is going to
hell, but I'm not going with it.

I'm making a stand.

This is my Alamo.

- So now you wanna rent a car?

- Shut up.

- Thanks for coming with me.

- Oh, are you kidding?

I wanted to come to this
opening ever since I read about it

in The New York Times paper.

- Honey, you don't
have to say paper,

you can just say
The New York Times

'cause everyone
knows it's a paper.

- Oh.

Well then why do I
always say jacket coat?

You mean I can just say jacket?

- Exactly.

- Aw, you're so sweet
to teach me crap.

- Oh, wow, that Jacob
Adler is amazing.

- Yeah, sure is.

- It's like it has the tonality
of an early Anselm Kiefer,

but the energy of Francis
Bacon's pope series.

- Can you hold my gum,
I'm gonna go get some wine.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Oh, beautiful, but
with a simplicity atypical

of modernistic work.

- You just said the
most perfect thing

in front of the most
perfect painting

on the most perfect
day of my life.

What?

- I've always dreamed of
opening my own gallery,

and it finally happened.

- Oh, well, congratulations.

I just love when
people have a dream

and then they
finally see it happen.

- I'm Cameron.

- Oh, Maya Gallo.

- You know what would make
this day even more perfect?

If you would let
me buy you dinner.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
actually with someone.

- Oh.

Is he a wine connoisseur?

- No, he just
likes to sniff stuff.

- Well, there's
nothing wrong with

being a little curious, I guess.

- Sure.

- Hey Maya, you like the orange
cheese or the white cheese

with the holes in it?

- With the holes in it.

- Are you sure?

Because you really get
more with the no holes.

- Honey, could you just
take the no holes back

and maybe next time
bring it on a plate?

- Yeah, I saw a stack of
plates but I didn't take one.

In a joint like this, you
never know what's the art.

- Listen, just in case
things don't work out

with you and your boyfriend,
let me give you my number.

- Oh I really,
I really...
- Hey, take it.

You never know.

- Hey Maya, you want a
hard plate or a soft plate?

Wow, you know, that art
gallery really made me think.

- It did?

- The word gallery.

You know, it's
almost like your name.

Gallery.

Gallery.

- Let's talk about
something else.

Let's talk about you.

Let's talk about your
hopes and your dreams.

- Really?

You really wanna
know about my dreams?

Mm-hmm.

- Yes, yes I do, yes.

What do you want for yourself?

- Alright, my dream can be
summed up in three words:

Yankee, jacket, coat.

- Yankee jacket, okay.

But what about bigger
things, like in life, and stuff?

- Oh.

Well you know, these
days a lot of guys, like,

they're starting their
own businesses.

You know, like my friend Mikey,

he just got a loan, you know?

It's a good way to carve
out a little niche for yourself.

- Yeah, it really is.

So you wanna start
your own business?

- No no, I wanna
go work for Mikey.

He's got a loan.

He's gonna carve
out a niche for himself.

- Yeah, you mentioned that.

- Yeah.

Plus, I'm sure he's gonna
be a really good boss.

You know, he's not gonna
be all picky about like

taking extra time
for lunch and stuff.

'Cause I need extra time
at lunch, because I like

to chop my macaroni
up really small.

- Right.

But don't you want
something for yourself?

Like, to be your own boss?

- What about Mikey?

- Well, forget about Mikey.

- I can't, he's my boss.

- No he's not your boss.

Okay, listen,
look at it this way.

Your dream is wholly
dependent on another person.

What happens, Mikey
doesn't start the business?

What are you gonna do then?

- Nah, he'll do it, he's Mikey.

- You're right.

Maybe you should go
see Mikey right now.

- Wow, you know
what, maybe I should.

I gotta make sure he's
still thinking about me.

Otherwise this is all
a pretty big gamble.

You're the best, sweetie.

- Hi Cameron?

It's Maya, from the gallery.

I don't really know if I
should be calling you...

- Sorry, baby, I forgot my keys.

- Save me, please, save me.

- Hey Finch, you
got Kevin's lunch?

- Oh yeah, right here.

- Alright.

- Cat's Fancy.

Salmon with tuna gravy
and mechanically separated

bird parts.

For shiny fur and a
healthy urinary tract.

- Purr-fect.

- Dude, you're wrecking it.

- Awesome.

- Alright, you ready?

One, two, three, chow chow chow.

- Hold it,
hold on a second.
- Dammmit.

- Kevin you don't
have to do this.

- They're paying
me a hundred bucks.

- Plus it's a free meal.

- Yeah, he wants to do it.

- How 'bout you,
Dennis, you wanna do it

for a hundred bucks?

- Wait, this is my show.

- Hey, I ain't eating cat food.

- Make it 200.

- Gimme that stuff.

- Yeah.

What are you doing?

- I'm teaching Dennis a lesson.

He thinks this is
just harmless fun?

Well, let's see how he feels

after he's the butt of the joke.

After he's the one
that's laughed at.

After he's the animal.

- All done.

- What?

- Dammit, I missed it,
I was looking at Jack.

Thanks, Jack.

- Kitty wants his cat nip.

Give me the cash.

- I bet you you're awfully
ashamed to take that.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm real ashamed.

Hey, check this out.

How much if I eat this
pizza out of the garbage?

It's got a mystery hair
on it and a soggy Post-It.

- Alright, so you
have no dignity.

At least I saved Kevin.

- Saved me?

I could've had a hundred
dollars for an aquarium,

and shiny fur.

- Hey, don't worry, dude.

Hey listen, I'll give you a
hundred bucks to eat this.

- No way, I don't eat tomatoes.

- I am a terrible
terrible person.

I am the worst
person in the world.

Guess what I did last night?

- Oh, I don't know.

Ate cheesecake?

Isn't that the sort of felony
you girls get all upset about?

- I not only lied to Chris,
but I cheated on him

by sleeping with
someone I just met.

- You lied, cheated,
and slept with a stranger?

Your training is complete, Maya.

There's nothing
more I can teach you.

- Poor Chris.

I hurt him, and for what?

One lousy night with Cameron.

- The sex was bad?

- Sex is always bad.

Why did I do that to Chris?

- So you really
like this guy, huh?

- He thinks I'm brilliant.

He says that dating me is
like dating the Frasier show.

- Yeah, I've seen that show.

The dog is funny.

- You know what he
did the other morning?

He made me waffles.

Granted, they were frozen
when he served them to me

and he had somehow burnt
his nose on the toaster, but still.

He made me waffles.

- That is the sweetest
story I've ever heard.

I hope that my
fiance is a dummy.

- Now it's over.

- Why?

- Well because I have
to tell him the truth.

- Oh, the truth.

What is the truth?

A lie wrapped in a riddle
and dipped in a dream.

No wait, that's nostalgia.

Oh anyway, just, just
don't ruin it, don't tell him.

- You know what, you're right.

I would just be
hurting him, and why?

I wanna be with him.

- Well then be with him, Maya.

Be with him and his stupid
life and his stupid hopes

and his stupid dreams.

He's a real catch.

Kevin, this is your
shot at the big time.

200 big ones, and
all you have to do

is become human meatloaf.

- Human meatloaf?

- That's right, eat two
pounds of raw ground beef,

six chopped onions, and
a carton of bread crumbs

and then sit under a heat
lamp for about an hour.

- Yeah, or until golden brown.

- Gentlemen, could I see
you in here for a moment?

- Should I bring the meat?

- What's happened to you?

- Hey.

- Oh my God, he got an aquarium.

He's rubbing it
in your face, man.

He's got one and you don't.

- No Dennis, it's not
for me, it's for Kevin.

- Really?

Are you serious?

- Why you giving him stuff?

He didn't do anything.

- That's my point, he
didn't have to do anything,

like eat cat food or raw meat
or a giant brick of cheese.

- Cheese?

We wouldn't have
him just eat cheese.

- Fine, cheese with worms.

- Oh, nice.

- Look, I know how much you
wanted this, so now you have it

without having to
make a fool of yourself.

- Oh, this is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

- And I even got
you a tropical fish,

just to start things off.

- Thanks, Mr. Gallo.

- You're welcome.

And I hope you two boys
have learned something.

- Wow, this is great.

I'm gonna name my
new fish Jack Gallo.

- Give you 20
bucks if you eat it.

- Come here, you little bastard.

- Can I look yet?

- No, wait wait wait!

Okay, now you can look.

Now batting, Maya Gallo,
Gallo, Gallo, Gallo, Gallo, Gallo.

- Oh my God, you got
me a Yankee jacket coat.

- Honey, Yankee jacket.

- Dammit.

- It's okay, honey,
these things take time.

And besides,
jacket coat is okay,

because if I don't hear
jacket I still got coat

and I'm all caught up.

- We gotta break up.

- What?

- Maya, what are
you doing with me?

I'm way too dumb for you.

- No you're not.

- It's true.

You know what I know?

Bugs.

You know what you know?

Stuff.

Face it, Maya, I'm a dummy.

- You're not a dummy.

Compared to you, I'm a dummy.

- No you're not.

- Dummy.

- No, you have a lot to offer.

- Yeah, to other dummies.

- No, like you're sweet,
and you're wonderful,

and you're very good to me.

- You might not see
it now but one day

you're gonna
get tired of all this.

- No I won't.

- Yes, you will.

One day you're gonna be
somewhere, and some guy's gonna say

something really smart
about a book or a painting,

and you're gonna look over at
me, and I'm gonna be, I dunno.

- Sniffing cheese.

- Yeah, exactly.

And you just won't be
able to help yourself.

And you'll wind
up doing something

that'll make us both feel bad.

Let's just, let's just end
it now while it's still good.

- You know, Chris, you're right.

- I know I'm right.

- You know, you're
actually much smarter

than you give
yourself credit for.

- Aw, thanks.

Can you tell my wife that,
'cause she thinks I'm an idiot.

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