Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 14 - Friends and Neighbors - full transcript

- I've got big news!

- I'm sorry, I've
got to hang up.

Maya needs to speak with me.

Yeah, well this is urgent, too!

- No, it can wait!
- I'm gonna hang up.

- I said I am hanging up, now.

Well, if you don't like
it, you can just go to hell,

because Maya has got news.

Okay, Maya, what is it?

What is your big news?

- My noisy
neighbor's moving out.



(audience laughing)

- What?

- He had a really loud laugh.

- That was my friend Sonya.

She was being attacked by dogs.

- Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

- Ah, it's alright.

All I could hear was barking
and screaming anyway.

So, what's going on
with your neighbor?

- Well, he's moving out and
I'm looking for someone new.

Someone quiet, someone normal.

- I know just the guy.

Kevin!

I found you an apartment.



- Oh, boy.

- What, no, Nina.

- It's right across from Maya's.

- It's really not
that great a place.

- I don't need much,
just a kitchen, a bedroom,

place to set up my
karaoke machine.

If I'm not singing,
I'm not alive.

(audience laughing)

- It's really quite expensive.

- Hey, you could
split it with Finch.

- What? No.

- We are really tight.

Plus we do a killer
rendition of Summer Lovin'.

- Finch, could you
come over here?

- Why are you doing this to me?

- Why does the sun shine?

Why does the rain fall?

- What's up?

- A place opened
up in Maya's building

and it's close to your college.

You want to be my roommate?

- I'm really picky.

Like lots of light,
exposed brick,

I love a bidet, but
it's not a deal-breaker.

Ah, who am I kidding?

I've been sleeping in the
show room at Ethan Allan.

(audience laughing)

- So does that mean
we're roommates?

- (singing) Tell me
more, tell me more,

did you get very far?

- (singing) Tell me
more, tell me more,

so does he have a car?

(audience laughing)

I guess I'll just keep
looking for a roommate.

- No.

That means yes,
we are roommates.

- (singing together)
Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop,

shoo-bop-bop, yeah.

Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop,
shoo-bop-bop, yeah.

(music)

- Dennis, who's that
funny comedian I like?

Dennis?

- He's not here.

- You know the one,

that friendly lesbian
with the microphone.

- Sorry, Jack.

Let me show you something.

My '65 Mustang.

- Nice, how long have
you had this baby?

- Since high school.

Totally rebuilt it.

New Tri-Y headers,
four-speed top loader,

Edelbrock manifolds...
- And it's red.

- Clearly, you are a car guy.

- A friend of mine
used to have one.

Maybe it was a Corvette.

Anyway, it was red.

- Well, if you know
anyone who's interested,

let me know.

- You're selling it?

- Yeah, I hate to give
her up but, you know,

I just never drive her anymore.

- I'll buy it.

- Really?

- Sure, why not?

I was gonna buy myself
a one-man submarine

but I don't like being
alone underwater.

- That's great, wow.

It's like keeping
it in the family

but if you don't mind, I'd
like to keep the license plate.

- Mr. Smooth.

- I gave that
nickname to myself.

(audience laughing)

- You can just do that?

- Sure.

- Maybe I should give
myself a nickname.

- Yeah.

- What do you think of Paul?

(audience laughing)

Mr. Paul.

You'd better send Dennis
in when he gets here.

- Yeah.

- Hey, do we have any
more corn on the cob?

- No.

- What about biscuits?

- We finished those.

- Alright, then we're gonna
have to start shooting chicken

at people.

- Living together's
gonna be awesome.

- Watch me nail this
hooker with a drumstick.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

Oo, we have our first visitor.

Come on, let's try not to
say hello at the same time.

It might come
off a little geeky.

- Gotcha.

- (together) Welcome.

- I got some of your
mail by accident.

- (together) Thank you.

- Look, I don't want to
start off on the wrong foot

but I could hear you guys
making noise all night long.

- We aren't that loud.

- It sounded like you
were in my apartment.

- Oh, uh, that's because
we were in your apartment.

- What?

- I still have a key
from when I lived there

and we needed some
towels to clean up.

- We had a big lasagna fight.

(audience laughing)

- Is that my bed spread?

- I wanted to make a fort.

- He's really creative.

We'll see you in the
laundry room some day.

(audience laughing)

Mail call.

Resident, resident, Us Magazine.

- Yes.

- Hm, there's something
here for me from the college.

- Calista Flockhart.

Sometimes she makes
me feel bad about my body.

(audience laughing)

- Oh my god.

Some space opened up in
one of the freshman dorms,

I'm gonna live on campus.

- Wait a minute, you live here.

- Oh yeah.

Listen dude, I'm moving out.

- You can't do this.

- Look, I didn't enroll in
college just to take classes,

I want to hang
with my roommates,

chill in the common
area, gossip in the library.

I want the whole
Felicity experience

except I'm not cutting my hair.

(audience laughing)

- But we haven't even
finished unpacking yet.

- Then my timing is perfect.

- How can you do this to
me, I thought we were friends.

- We are friends.

That's why I know you're gonna
help me carry the heavy stuff

down to your car.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Come on, man, I
need a ride to school.

- I can't believe this.

We made a fort.

I guarded you while you slept.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, where's my bathrobe?

- Oh, yeah, um,

we needed something
soft and clean

because we thought Kevin's
owl was going into labor.

But turns out it just
barfed up a mouse.

(audience laughing)

- So, try and change
the oil every 3,000 miles.

Rub it with a shammy
every Sunday.

She likes it.

- Just give me the keys.

- Here they are.

She's all yours, Jack.

- Why don't you just
call me Mr. Fantastic.

No, seriously, just do it once.

- What?

- Do it.

- Mr. Fantastic.

- There you go.

(audience laughing)

Wow, will you look at that.

- Factory original leather.

Took me a month
of Saturdays just to,

whoa, hey, hey,
hey, whoa, hey, hey,

the cigar, Jack.

- Yeah, it's a Montecristo,

smells great, right?

You want one?

- You might not want to
smoke it inside the car.

You dropped it on the floor.

- Easy.

Easy, Elliot, I'll get it.

- Pick it up.

Or, you know, just
grind it into the carpet.

(audience laughing)

- Let's take this
baby for a little spin.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

There's an auto parts
store just down the street,

we can pick up a can of
foaming carpet cleanser.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, the sweet sound
of pure Detroit muscle.

It's been a while since
I've driven a stick shift.

- Yeah.

(brakes screeching)

You know,

you might just want to
ask the parking attendant

to help us out.

- Now I'm getting it.

- We could just take a walk.

- Almost there.

- I could really use
the exercise, Jack.

- Whoops, parking
brake is still on.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I
feel bad for Kevin.

He's crushed.

- He'll be fine, he's a big boy,

I'm sure he'll get over
this whole living situation.

What are you doing here?

- Just reliving old memories.

- You never went to college.

- No, but two years ago I
dated a sophomore at Columbia.

(audience laughing)

He used up all his college
money to give me this bracelet.

Then again, I taught him
things you can't learn in school.

(audience laughing)

Unless, of course, you
go to school in Bangkok.

- Listen, will you tone it down?

I'm about to meet my
college roommates.

I'm about to make friendships
that will last a lifetime.

I'm embarking on an
academic adventure.

My journey to
tomorrow begins today.

- Please stop
quoting that brochure.

(audience laughing)

- Just a little nervous.

- I think I hear them coming.

- Visit our spacious
language lab.

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys must be Danny and Rob.

- Yeah.

Who are you?

- I'm Dennis Finch.

Your new college roommate.

- Oh my god, he is so old.

(audience laughing)

- You think old means cool?

Hey, you guys are old, too, man.

- He cannot be our roommate.

- It's gonna be okay.

- He is gonna
freak everyone out,

he's gotta be like, 30.

- Closer to 40.

(audience laughing)

- Guys, it's all good.

Why don't we go
socialize at the quadrangle?

Or break a sweat at
the recently renovated

Driscoll Fitness Center?

(audience laughing)

- They hate you.

- They don't hate me.

- Your mom's right, we hate you.

(audience laughing)

We are so screwed.

- Guys, guys,

I'm actually kind of a nice guy

if you get to know me.

Maybe there's a chance
we'd get to be friends.

- Let's just ignore him,

ignore him completely.

- Thanks, Danny, you
always know what to say.

- Nina, what do I do?

- You are beautiful and
you have 0% body fat.

You are beautiful and
you have 0% body fat.

(audience laughing)

- So, is that seat
comfortable, or what?

- It fits like a glove.

A fabulous ass glove.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Jack, can I...
What are you doing?

- Oh, just taking Jack's
new car seats for a test drive.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
do you mean new car seats?

- Well, the old
seats made me feel

like I'm driving in a car.

I want to feel like I'm
flying in a space ship.

(audience laughing)

You know what I mean?

- No, no, I specifically
don't know what you mean.

- Well, I wouldn't mind
being alone in space.

- Nina, shut up.

- Problem, officer?

(laughing)

- You can't just take those
old car seats out, Jack,

you're mutilating her.

- I'm Gallo-izing her.

You should see all the
high-tech stuff I've had done.

GPS, visor phone,
in-dash humidor.

- Hey, what's this?

- That is the massage feature.

Nice, huh?

- Whoa.

- Alright, I made a mistake.

I want my car back.

- Elliot, you cashed my check.

The car is mine.

- Hey, it's got a pulse setting.

- I'll make it easy for you.

I'll write you a check,
you give me the keys.

- Elliot, I don't
want to sell the car.

- I'm making it out
to Mr. Fantastic.

- I said no.

(high-pitched sounds)

(audience laughing)

- Very relaxing.

- Hey Finch, what's going on?

- Well, Danny and Rob are
still completely ignoring me.

I've been forced to hang
out with drama students

in our historic
Detrick Auditorium.

- Ugh, that's horrible.

- Well, on the plus
side, I got cast as Liesl

in Sound of Music.

(audience laughing)

- So, what are you going to do?

- Um, some singing,
some dancing,

I've got a big solo in act one.

- No, I mean, what are
you gonna do about Kevin?

- Oh, uh,

I'm gonna tell him
I'm moving back in.

- God, you are
arrogant and selfish.

Why haven't we ever dated?

Oh yeah, because
you're poor and tiny.

- Okay, mom.

Hey, Kevin.

Can I talk to you?

- If it's about you moving out,

let me just say I'm not
mad at you anymore.

- Ah, well, that's
good to hear, man.

- Because I found
a new roommate.

- What, already?

- Yeah, my cool friend, Brad.

He's moving in right
now with his big TV

and telescope and
milkshake machine.

- Anything else?

- We're building
a robot together.

- Well, I gotta go.

Me and my college roommates

are throwing a big
college sex party tonight.

We're gonna build a robot, too,

a major one, so that's cool.

- Good luck with that.

- Yeah, yeah, good
luck with your robot too.

(audience laughing)

- So, Kevin, you
landed on your feet.

- There's no Brad.

- What?

- I made him up to hurt
Finch but it didn't work

because he's all happy
with his roommates

and sex parties and
fancy college robots.

But you don't care, do you?

- You know me so well.

(audience laughing)

Want to hear the funniest thing?

- What?

- Kevin wants to
move back in with Finch

and Finch wants to
move back in with Kevin,

but they're both
too proud to admit it.

It's like a soap opera
but with ugly people.

(audience laughing)

- Why are you telling me this?

Finch was out,
Kevin was on his way,

I just got the smell
of owl out of my robe.

- So what's the problem?

- The problem is
now that I know this,

I'm going to tell them.

- Well, you don't have to.

- I do.

It's part of who I am.

Maya the Good.

She always does the right thing.

If just once I could
satisfy my own needs first.

(audience laughing)

- I think I can help.

- Really?

- Your dad has a new car seat.

I'll walk you through it.

(audience laughing)

- You wanted to see me?

- You stole my car.

- I rescued your car.

- Give it back.

- First you must agree to
the following conditions.

- You are playing
a dangerous game.

- One, you will restore
the car to her original glory.

- Stop now or pay the price.

- Two, you will agree not
to Gallo-ize her any further.

- You've been warned.

- And three, no more pie.

There's cherry filling
all over the dash.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, you asked for it.

- Asked for what?

- Elliot, one of the
modifications I made on the car

was a hidden surveillance camera

with an A/V grade camera chip.

- So?

- It records and
beams back images

of the driver in
the event of theft.

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

(audience laughing)

- So, let's have a little look

at Elliot behind
the wheel, shall we?

(audience laughing)

- Ah, look at that.

Damn, those are
some heavy-set honeys.

Hey, girls, you want some pizza?

I'm buying.

- Okay, here the
girls turn you down.

- Oh yeah, that would
be a nice head of hair.

Oh, oh, a little wind.

(audience laughing)

Oh, how about some bangs?

Hey, how are ya?

It was a private moment
between me and my hand.

- Oo, here comes
my favorite part.

(honking)

- Hey, ladies!

I got a whole tray of
baked ziti back here,

you want to have
a little pasta party?

- [Woman] Hey, idiot,
ain't you that bald guy

who was driving that car
around here like an hour ago?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

I got a full head of hair.

(audience laughing)

- The car's at 23rd and Lex.

- 23rd and Lex...
- Mr. Fantastic.

- There you go.

- Danny, you are awesome.

Did you make my bed?

- No.

Did you, uh, do my laundry?

- You're welcome.

Now who wants fudge blasters?

- What are you doing?

- This side's marshmallow,
this side's nuts.

- I do love nuts.

- I love marshmallows.

- I know, I had a long
conversation with your parents.

- What?

Why?

- Danny, your mother's
very concerned,

you've got to start
wearing your back brace.

- Why are you doing this?

- Because college is
about communication

and you two don't communicate.

That's why you're here.

- Are you a narc?

- Oh, yeah, I'm a narc.

But I don't seize
drugs, I seize friends.

(audience laughing)

And that's why I
bought this beer.

Mmm.

- Hm, where'd you get that?

- Oh, I don't know, I'm 35.

I can buy things like beer.

And cigarettes.

- Uh, we can buy cigarettes.

- Oh, well, back to the beer.

Ah, foamy and addictive.

And there's more
where this came from.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You'd buy us beer even
after the way we treated you?

- Why not? I buy it for
bums and high school girls.

Why not my roommates?

The point is, you're
my college roommates.

And that is the closest
bond three straight guys

could ever share together.

(audience laughing)

- You know what, dude?

You're alright.

- Yeah, you're
better than alright.

You're okay.

- Oh.

Let's go down to our
sparkling new aquatics center

and meet the
leaders of tomorrow.

- Whoa, we have
an aquatics center?

- Dude, you're on the swim team.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Kevin, what
are you doing here?

- Doing what I should have
done the last time I saw you.

Please come home.

(audience laughing)

- Dude, I don't know
what this guy's doing.

- We can both stop
pretending now.

Truth is, there's no
Brad and no robot.

I want you to be
my roommate again.

- Kev, the thing is, I'm
kind of making head way

with the boys.

- Ah.

- Yeah, so anyway,
maybe another time.

- I guess I better go.

Back to Brad and the robot.

(audience laughing)

- Kevin, wait.

You know what, buddy?

Why don't you hang
out with us tonight?

- Really?

- Oh, no, no, no.

You're borderline,
but this guy right here?

Not a chance.

- Sorry, buddy.

- I understand.

If this is really what you want,

I'd be a bad friend
to stand in your way.

- He looks crushed.

- Yeah.

We think something
real big fell on him.

(audience laughing)

This is way better
than living in a dorm.

- These fudge
blasters are incredible.

- Thanks.

Hey, do it again.

- It's kind of mean.

- Dude, it's kind of funny.

- Alright.

(loud clanging)

- It's good to be home.

- It's good to have you home.

- What the hell is
wrong with you?

It's 4:30 in the
morning, go to bed.

- (together) Sorry.

(audience laughing)

- You have to do it again.