Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 13 - About a Boy - full transcript

Jack sets up Elliot with a fake headhunter to test his loyalty. Elliot proves he's loyal but resents the set up. He teaches Jack to swim so he'll become more trusting. Finch creates a fake ...

- Dude, I can't believe
you actually shot

the cover of Rolling Stone.

That's awesome,
man, I'm impressed.

- Thanks, Finch.

That means a lot
coming from you.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- I don't know, are you?

- You tell me first.

- No, you tell me.

- Okay, we'll answer
at the same time.

- All right.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- No.
- No.

- Wow, we just had
a sincere moment.

- No we didn't.

I was messing with you.

Hey everybody, Elliot
thought we had a moment.


- Hey guys, what's up?

- Elliot just did a
freelance gig for

the cover of Rolling Stone

and now he thinks
we're bestest friends.

- Elliot, you shot this?

I think this is great!

- Yeah, well you're
not the only one.

A headhunter saw it
and he wants to meet me.

- Oh, you're not gonna
leave Blush are you?

- No.

No, no.

But I just agreed to
have lunch with him.

It's flattering.

- Hmm, unlike those
hideous cargo pants.

Change them or else.

- Or else what?

- Oh, it's hot!

- We work at a fashion magazine,

we're supposed to
be setting an example.

God, am I the only one around
here who takes this seriously?

- He's just gonna
put on another pair!

He's in love with
all the pockets.

- Thank you, Ann.

I'll be in touch.

- Damn, Jack, that model
should have a little star

next to her name that
denotes extra spicy.

- Dennis, she's not a
model, she's an au pair girl.

The agency sent her over.

- Oh, oh, oh, never
use an agency, buddy.

They charge a fee,
they send a driver,

and they got some dude
in a mullet hanging out

the whole time
watching, it's weird.

- Dennis, she's not for
me, she's for Hannah.

An au pair is a
live-in babysitter.

- Oh.

- They're usually
young foreign women

who work just for
room and board.

- Are they all that hot?

- Pretty much.

The INS does a good job
of screening out the uggos.

- It's a controversial
policy, but one that works.

- I get it, it's so simple!

- What are you talking about?

- I'll just call this
au pair agency

and they'll have to send me
over tons of hot foreign chicks.

- Finch, you don't have a child.

- It doesn't matter, I'm
not gonna hire anyone.

I'll just meet them to
interview them over drinks.

I'll turn on the charm,

pretty soon we'll be wrestling
together in our underwear.

Wrestling's big overseas.

- Now, let's get
down to business.

My employer is a big fan.

He's starting a new magazine

and he wants to bring you on
board as founding photo editor.

You'd have complete
artistic discretion

and significant input
regarding content.

- That certainly
sounds enticing.

- Now, I've written a
number on this piece of paper.

How's this for enticing?

- Wow.

- Said the artist pretending
not to know his own worth.

- It's very...

It's not that this
isn't tempting,

but I'm gonna have to say no.

I'm very happy where I am.

I love what I'm doing
and the people I work with.

So thanks, but no thanks.

- I see.

Well, I must say that
my employer will be...


- Delighted?

- You bet I am!

- Jack?


- Congratulations,
you passed the test!

- What test?

- The loyalty test!

He's not a headhunter.

There is no other magazine.

No one wants you.

- But... This was a test?

- I had to find out with
this Rolling Stone thing

if you were still on the team

and you've proven
yourself to me, Elliot.

You're okay for now.

- I can't believe you
would do this to me, Jack.

You bastard.

- Elliot, don't go!

- Esperanza, this has
been one amazing interview

but I'm afraid I cannot hire you

as my au pair for one reason.

I'm in love with you.

Every time you talk or
laugh, I hear the wooden flutes

or the giant guitars
of your native Peru.

Having said that, I think we
should go back to my house

for a nice long
night of doing it.

For a long night of
tasteful lovemaking.


What if we go to church together

and I just hold your hand?

You can't...

Well, Karen, this has
been one amazing interview.

Although I won't be able
to hire you as my au pair.

- God, I am so stupid.

I knew this wouldn't work out.

- All right, calm down.

- My father told me,
"Don't leave the farm.

New York's not like Canada.

You're a simple,
trusting Canadian girl."

- Whoa, Karen, slow down.

So, you're really the
farmer's daughter?

- And that's all I'll ever be.

I guess these hands
are only good for milking.

- You're hired!

- What?

- Room and board and a
small weekly allowance.

All for you.

Welcome to America!

- Oh, my god I
can't believe this.

You are a lifesaver.

- No, but I'm just as small

and, I hear, twice as tasty.

- We need to talk.

- Said the man who just
passed the test with flying colors.

So now how about a drink?

- I don't want a drink.

- In the mood for
something harder?

I gave up the
toodley-toot in '85,

but let's see if Nina's around.

- Jack, if you wanted to know
if I was thinking of leaving,

you should have asked.

How dare you mess
with me like that, Jack.

- I think you're overreacting.

- No, you don't trust me.

And if you don't trust me,

I'm not sure I wanna
work here anymore.

- Elliot...
- No.

You don't get it, Jack.

- Come on.

- We have nothing
to say to each other.

- My father almost let me drown.

- What?

- He almost let me drown.

- What happened, Jack?

Oh, come on, you can tell me.

- I was a little boy,
eight years old,

afraid of the water.

Of course that irked my
dad, a decorated Navy man.

So one day he takes
me down to the river

and he says, "Jump
in, Jackie, I'll catch you.

Just go ahead, jump!

Trust me," he says.

Then he dove in
the water and waited.

- Your dad never
did catch you, did he?

- No, he didn't.

Just watched while I struggled.

"Sink or swim, Jackie,
that's the way of the world."

If it hadn't been for
Biscuit, I'd have drowned.

- Biscuit?

- My golden retriever.

- Oh.

So you never learned to swim?

- No.

- And you never trusted
anyone else again?

- Except Biscuit.

Till he bit me.

But he got his.

- It's all clear to me now.

- Good, so can we move on now?

- Yes.

As soon as I teach
you how to swim.

- What?
- Don't you see, Jack?

If I teach you how to swim,
we can transcend the trauma

and we can progress emotionally.

We need this, Jack, for us.

- I don't like transcending
and progressing.

I prefer sitting and smoking.

- Hello, little boy?

Are you in there?

- Oh, hey, Kevin,
I'm glad I saw you.

I gotta cancel plans tonight.

- Why?

- Well, details are top secret,

but basically I'm
working on having sex.

- I was really
looking forward...

- Oh, you, you you!

It's always about you!

For once can it be about me?

You know how much
I like having sex.

You know how important
it is to my vascular health

and my self esteem.

- I'm so sorry.

What was I thinking?

Can I make you a pie?

- If you mean it
when you bake it, yes.

- So, who do you have
the hot sex date with?

- My smoking hot
Canadian au pair.

- Wait, you actually
hired someone?

- This is gonna be
the biggest, baddest,

boldest scam of all time!

Admit it, I'm a genius.

- No, you're not.

- Admit it, I am.

And I think you should
bow to my genius.

- No, actually I think you
should bow to my genius.

- What?

- You don't have a kid.

Now bow.

- I will not bow to
you, nor will my son.

Meet Denny Junior,
otherwise known as

some anonymous kid I
saw walking around the park.

- But this is just a picture.

- Oh my god there was a mix-up.

My ex-wife has him
for the next few days.

I guess Karen won't get
to meet him for a while.

Aw, shucks.

Now bow.

- You only have a one
bedroom apartment.

Where is she going to sleep?


- Uh, Denny sleeps
in the bedroom,

she sleeps on the foldout
couch and I sleep in the closet,

which I tell her is
the master suite.

Now bow.

- She'll open the door
and see that it's a closet.


- She's not allowed
to go in there

because that's where I paint.


- But...

- And here's his
little tiny toothbrush.


- Still...

- And here's his
adorable sweater.


- All right.

- And here's his
sneakers, his crayons,

and his copy of Goodnight, Moon.

Bow, bow, bow!

- Stop it!

- Scalding hot confetti!

A genius always plans ahead.

Now bow!

- Okay, now.

Now I want you to stick
your whole face in the water

and pick your
feet off the ground

and I'm gonna hold you, okay?

- Elliot, there's a
film on the surface.

- That can't stop
the bubble machine!

Okay, on three.

- I don't wanna do this.

- Two...
- No, I'm serious.

- Three!

Okay, okay!

Bubbles, bubbles,
bubbles, bubbles!

And up and up!

Oh, great!

- Okay!

Fine, I can swim!

And I trust you and I
trust everybody now.

Let's go!

- No, no, no, no, no,
this is only the beginning.

It's only the
beginning, all right?

I'm gonna go in the locker
room and get a kickboard.

You stay here and you
work on this, all right?

Jump and stroke,
jump and stroke,

jump and stroke.

- Jump and stroke, jump
and stroke, jump and stroke!

Hey, do you mind?

- Yeah, I do.

This pool's for swimmers.

If you wanna do water ballet,
take it to the senior center.

- Just you and me, punk.

One speed lap, may
the better man win.

- What?

- Go!

- Jack, I also got
you a floating belt.

Son of a bitch!

- Morning, morning!

Making omelets.

- Oh, cool.

I worked up a real appetite
painting a portrait of Denny.

I call it I Have a
Son Named Denny.

- Why is there a
hanger on your back?

- Oh.

Um, all the great artists
have hangers in their back

when they paint.

Picasso, Van Gogh, Spaghetti-O.


Wow, you know what?

Denny and I make
omelets all the time.

One time we made one
with a thousand eggs.

It's in the Guinness
Book, look it up.

- You are such a sweet father.

- Yeah, parenting: it's the
toughest job you'll ever love.

- Oh, you absent minded genius,

you forgot to lock your door.

Nina, what are you doing here?

- Oh, I just checked by
to check on your progress.

- What progress?

- Oh, Dennis is doing
a painting for me.

It's a picture of
a little blond elf,

bowing before a
beautiful princess

while a good looking
Canadian kicks him in the shins.

- I'm from Canada!

- No, really?

- Yeah!

Hi, I'm Karen!

- Hi.

- Would you like an omelet?

- Sure.

Put it in a martini glass
with gin and no eggs.

- Oh.

I don't know if
Dennis has any gin.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

- God, why is it so hot in here?

- Oh, we have to
keep the heat up

because of Dennis's asthma.

The only way to survive is
to wear practically nothing.

- Oh yeah.

God, I can't believe that
she's cooking for you.

And cleaning.

It's not even so
disgusting around here.

- All for fifty bucks a week.

- You've really pulled
the wool over her eyes.

- Pretty soon I'll pull
the shirt over her head.

- Well, you better hurry up

because little Denny is
coming home today, isn't he?

- I think this phone
call will take care of that.

I got it!


- It's me.

I'm covering your desk
and calling like you said.

- You selfish bitch!

How dare you!

He's my boy, too!

He's my boy, too!

- What boy?

Why are we fighting?

Didn't you get my pie?

- Go to hell!

My god.

I can't believe it.

My ex-wife is
taking my boy to Italy

and she's not
coming back with him.

My world's collapsing.

- Oh, this is terrible.

- I'm already
forgetting his little face.

- Oh, come here.

- Oh.

- You wanted to see me, liar?

- Yes, I want to apologize
about the swimming.

- Oh, do you, liar?

- Yes.

I manipulated you and
I took you for granted

and I'm sorry.

- Are you, liar?

- Enough.

- Liar, liar, liar!

- Okay, stop it.

I did manipulate
you and I used you

but that's how I do business,

that's how I built an empire.

- And that's supposed
to make it all okay?

- No.

But understand this:

all that stuff you're
mad at me for,

the headhunter, the lies...

I did it because it
would kill me to lose you.

- I don't know, Jack.

- And I'm gonna prove it to you.

- With what?


A new car, hmm?

- No.

I'm gonna hug you.

- Jack, that doesn't
prove anything.

- Here I come.

- Jack.

- One.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- Two.

- Because I've been
hurt by sarcasm before.

- Three.

- Don't do it if
you don't mean it.

- I'm sorry, my friend.

- Don't let go,
don't ever let go!

- Still can't believe it.

My little gingerbread
angel is not coming home.

- Should we send
him his action figures?

- No.

No, they're all I have left.

Maybe we should play
with them in his honor.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Uh, I'm always Captain Asteroid.

He'd want it that way.

You be Galactico, he's fun.

Oh, um, Karen,
Galactico's not sexual.

He lost his genitals in the
drone wars of A Sigma Four.

- Dennis.

This isn't about Galactico
and Captain Asteroid.

It's about you and me.

- Mm.

- I know it's wrong.

I mean, you're my boss, but

you're such a loving father

and you've been
so terribly hurt.

I just wanna take
away your pain.

Can I do that?

Can I take away your pain?

- Yeah.


- Does it hurt here?

- Uh-huh.

- Or here?

- Oh, ah.

- Why do you hate me?

- Karen, seriously, you
gotta start locking that door.

- I made you a pie and then
you call me a selfish bitch?

What is wrong with you?

- Kevin, calm down.

- You are the bitch!

You are!

- Who is this guy?

- He's...

He's uh, an artist friend of
mine with a bad drug problem.

You goofin' up?

You on goofers?

Bing bing?

All right, listen, let me
talk to him in the bedroom.

Come to my bedroom.

- Dennis!

That's my bedroom.

- What?

Oh, yeah, right.

- You have some explaining to...

Hey, you sleep standing up, too?

- Look, I'm sorry I
hurt your feelings.

I'm not mad at you.

I thought you understood.

I'm working this chick.

- Hmm.

You're always working something.

Trying to have sex.

What's so great about sex?

- I know, I know,
there's more to life.

- No, I mean, really.

What's it like?

Is it really that great?

- Listen, I swear, if you
get out of here right now

I'll help you find
out for yourself.

- Nah, I can't leave now.

I have to wait for Maya.

She drove me here.

- What, she's here?

- Why would Finch
need an au pair?

- Maya!

My artist friend Maya.

Come see my mural
and help save Kevin.

Let the machine get it.

And I'm still in pain.

And I miss that kid.


Why are you always interfering?

- Well...

Is this au pair
person the reason

why you're making Kevin so upset

and why are we in a closet?

- It's Finch's bedroom
and I'm not upset anymore.

Finch is just
trying to have sex.

- Yeah, see?

- You are trying to
manipulate that young woman

into having sex with you?

I will have no part of this.

- What is your problem?

Leave him alone.

- What?

- You can't control everything.

- But...

But he's trying to
do something wrong.

- Yeah, but you're not
the world's policeman.

Did you ever think that
people might like you better

if you started minding
your own business?

- Oh my god, you're right.

- Hmm.

Of course I am.

I'm a student of people.

- I think I'm having
a breakthrough.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Does that mean you're not
going to mess this up for me?

- No.

I'm gonna go home,
listen to Joni Mitchell,

and think seriously
about my life.

- Oh my god, this thing
is really gonna happen?

I did it.

I pulled off the greatest scam.

Thank you, Maya.

Thank you, Kevin.

Now I will go taste the
sweet nectar of my victory.

Hey, baby.


- You jerk!

- What?

- The au pair agency left a
message on your machine.

They checked on you.

There is no Denny Junior.

Well... Ow!

Honey, I'm seriously
questioning your fitness

as a childcare provider.

- You make me sick!

I'm going back to Canada
where people don't fib!

And that is a closet!

Well... I don't understand.

It was the perfect plan.

I was a genius.

How could this all happen?


- So that's what happened.

You know, obviously,
he's real smart,

'cause he fooled everyone.

I'm just so lucky that
the agency found out

and that you needed
someone right away.

I'm sorry, I didn't get
your daughter's name.

- Olive.

Her name is Olive.

And the vacuum
is right over there.

But first, mommy needs more gin.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you