Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 12 - Liotta? Liotta! - full transcript

Ray Liotta is back and he's obsessed with Maya. He even vows to give up show business for her, but can't adjust to normal life. Jay Leno also appears as himself. Nina puts on a one-woman show. Jack buys George Washington's desk.

- Nina.

Nina, I got the Maya thing.

I got the Maya thing.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

Okay, thank you.

Finch, listen to this.

- No, no, wait,
listen to me first.

- No, no, listen to me first.

- No, no, no, listen
to me, I want to say it!

- Hey, hey you!

You with the bagel
and the hideous pants.

What's your name?
- Uh, Mike.

- Oh, Mike. Hi, Mike.

Listen, you know, I just got
off the phone with my agent...

- Hey, hey, Mike, Mike!

That bagel's cool, man.
Those pants are rockin'.

Listen dude, you wanna
check out the Maya thing?

- Yeah, sure, I guess.

- Mike, you bastard!
- I was just...

- Michael, I don't care.

I need you now more than
I've ever needed you before.

- Okay.
- Mike, no, dude!

- So Mike, my
agent just booked me

with my one woman show.

I'll be singing,
I'll be dancing,

and doing a little thing I call

the Best of Buddy Hackett.

- Okay, Mike, listen to this.

Check this out, dude.

She may act and dance and sing,

but I got a little
somethin' somethin'

they call a Maya thing!

All right? I said a
hop, hip, sloppity slip.

I'm gonna bing, bing, bang...

Dennis, get in here now!

- Damn, I got so caught
up in my mad rhymes,

I forget to tell ya.

All right, wait here.

I'll be right back!

- Jack, have you seen...
- Shh!

Look at that bridge.

That's the George
Washington Bridge.

- Oh, no.

- The man deserves
a bridge, Dennis.

In fact, he was a bridge.

A bridge from
tyranny to freedom.

- So why all the sudden
interest in George Washington?

Did you see a movie,
did you read a book?

- Book.

I'm nearly on page
three, and I'm riveted.

Get me a Sotheby's catalog

because I want something
of George Washington's

so I can be inspired
by it everyday.

- Okay, so the Ben
Franklin phase is over.

- Yes, you can take the kite.

Leave the key.

- No, no, no way.

You have got to be kidding.

- I can't believe it.

This is big news.

- Thanks, Mike.

That means a lot,
coming from you.

- Hey, whoa, whoa.

What did you tell him
about the Maya thing?

That's my big news.

Muh, muh, Maya thing.

- Oh my God, Kevin has the tape!

- Oh, Kevin, you're a genius!

- No, no I have the
tape! I'm the genius!

Look, it's right here!

You saw me run in with it.

- What in the world
is going on here?

Wait, is that the Maya thing?

- You know about the Maya thing?

- Who doesn't know
about the Maya thing?

- Hey, you guys.

What are you watching?

- So, Ray, tell us
about your latest film.

What are you workin' on?

- Uh, I'd much rather
talk about Maya Gallo.

- Maya Gallo.
- Oh my God.


- I was seein' her
over the holidays,

and she broke it off with me.

Yeah, I can't get
her out of my heart,

and, I dunno, I just
really want her back.

- You know, this was not
part of the pre-interview.

- I have an idea.
- You have an idea.

- Um...

♪ When the ♪ Moon hits your eye

♪ Like a big pizza
pie ♪ That's a Maya

♪ When the stars start to shine

♪ Like you've had too much wine

♪ That's a Maya

Come on, everybody sing with me!

Sing with me, please!

♪ Bells will ring,

♪ And you'll sing, "Vita bella"

- We'll be right back
with the Foo Fighters.

Maya, you're a very lucky woman.

Right back right after this!
- Come back to me, Maya!

- I'm, I'm stunned.

- That's way
better than my tape.

Mine was just Maya
changing into a jog bra.

- Give it!

- What?

I had a camcorder, the
door was open a crack,

what am I gonna do?

- Here she is.

♪ That's a Maya - Hi, Ray.

- Did you see the show?

- Oh, yeah.

- What did you think?

- Why didn't you just call me

after the holidays?

- 'Cause any guy you
date could use the phone.

Only I could use
the Tonight Show!

I just want to tell you

how much I care for you.

- Well, I care about you, too.

But today, I went to lunch,

and people were
trying to touch me,

and sing "That's a Maya",

and I can't take
all the attention

that comes with dating
a Hollywood celebrity.

- No, no, Maya.

Maya, I could change.

- No, you can't change that.
- Maya, please!

- Please, please say
that you'll be my girl?


- I'm sorry, Ray,
the answer's no.

- Oh.

You know in Hannibal

when Anthony Hopkins
makes me eat my own brain?

This is worse.

'Cause this is not
just some prop brain,

this is my real heart.

♪ When the moon hits your eye

♪ Like a big pizza
pie ♪ That's a Maya

- A lot of entertainment types

will be attending my
one-woman show,

so everything's
gotta be perfect.

If you were an alcoholic, low
rent, off Broadway producer,

would this be enough
of a split for you?

- That's not bad,

but it'd be better if you
could do something like this.

- How did you do that?

Elliot, Dennis!

I want to talk to you!

- Ahh!


Just don't say no up here.

Hey, what's up?

- Um, I just wanted to know

if there's anything you
wanted to talk about.

- Uh, no, nothing comes to mind.

- Me neither.

- You mean there's
nothing you want to desk-us?

- Oh, yeah. You know what?

There's like no Mountain
Dew left in the fridge.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we're running
low on the Dew.

- Idiots!

This is George
Washington's desk!

I bought it!

This is the one he
used when he was

at the Somerset
Arms in Virginia!

It's a piece of
American history!

- Hm.
- Okay.

- Hey, do you think he
and Martha ever, you know,

up there?

- Knock it off, Dennis.

Though I will grant you this,

when George wanted something,

George took it.


- But seriously, Jack,

the Dew, we need it.
- Yeah.

- I can't believe you're
whining about soda pop!

Do you have any idea what
Washington's soldiers went through

that freezing winter
in Valley Forge?

- Kinda.

You know the heat in the office?

I mean, it's good, but
it's not like toasty warm.

- I know what you're sayin'.

I take my sweater
off, it's too cold.

I keep it on, it's too hot.

- Shut up!

You guys are getting too soft!

So no more cozy
heat, no more sody pop.

From now on, we're gonna be

the toughest damn
fashion magazine in town.

Except maybe for Glamor.

Those guys are a
bunch a' hooligans.

- That was ridiculous.

- I know, we gotta get him
off this Washington kick.

- Hey, guys?

Little help?

No, I'm serious.

- This next one comes to
us from the Altoona Mirror

- in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
- Uh, Jay?

- It says...
- Jay?

- Ray Liotta, everybody!

Ray Liotta, how are ya, buddy?

What are you up
to? Good to see ya.

- I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

If you'd just indulge me...
- Oh my God.

- I'd be eternally grateful.

- Yeah, sure. You're not
gonna sing again, are ya?


I'm not in a singing mood.

I really want to
speak from the heart.

- Oh, well, go ahead.

- Really, it's okay?
- Sure.

- Hi. Maya, I hope
you're watching.

- I am, Ray.

- Fame is fleeting.

Stardom, it's just an illusion.

Love is the only reality,

and when love happens,
when it really happens,

a person has to be willing
to anything to keep it alive.

So tonight, here on
the Tonight Show,

I'm here to announce that
I'm quitting show business.

- What?
- What?

- This is it, Jay,
this is my final bow.

- Final bow.
- Roll credits, fade to black.

- The clicking of the
celluloid against the projector.

This is it, I'm done.

- You're serious,
this isn't a bit,

you're really quitting
show business.

- I'm, I'm done.

'Cause I'm up for
the role of a lifetime.

In a production
called Maya's Heart.

I love you, Maya Gallo.

- Love you, too, Ray.

- Hey, Nina, what's up?

Hot dress.

- Oh, thank you.

You selfish bitch!

- What?

- You've ruined everything.

I was gonna use your
relationship with Ray Liotta

to advance my own acting career,

but now you've sawed the
wings right off that angel's back.

- It was his decision to quit
show business, not mine.

- Oh, this is such a
classic Maya Gallo move.

You took a perfectly good
famous person like Ray Liotta,

and instead of him elevating you

to his cool celebrity status,

you've made him come down
to your pathetic pedestrian level.

- Maya.

- Ray!

- Listen, Ray, while
I've got your ear,

do you have Jay
Leno's phone number?

- I can't believe you
quit show business.

I feel so free!

I don't have to be Ray
Liotta, movie star anymore!

I can be Ray Liotta,
Maya's boyfriend.

All I wanna do
is regular, boring,

ordinary couple things.

- Then you, sir, have
hit the soulmate lottery.

All right, listen, Ray, I'm
doing a one woman show,

and I'd really like you to come.

And you can bring Maya,

and maybe your
friend Martin Scorsese?

- I could do that,

if I hadn't emailed
everyone I know in Hollywood

calling them
self-absorbed movie pigs!

You did what?

I burned every
bridge I have, Maya.

For you.

- You're a moron, Ray.

- I just love it!

We're all a bunch
of regular people

calling each other morons!

Let's go to your
place and make love.

Ya moron.

- Hey.

Jack, uh, we came to apologize.

- We thought about it,
Jack, and you're right.

George Washington
deserves our respect.

He was an inspired
leader who set an example

for a young and unsure nation,

and for that, we thank him.

- Well, that's more like it.

I don't have any
Mountain Dews, but, uh,

who would like a Bubble Up?

- Actually, I think I kind of
already chugged all those.

- Can I check out your desk?

- Of course!

- Oh, God.

Look at it, I mean
there's no screws or nails,

it's all peg and groove
finish work, and...

What's this?

- Wow, that looks like
a letter of some sort?

- Oh.

Oh, my God!

It's signed by George
Washington himself!

- Read it, Jack!

- Dear Martha, I hope
this letter finds you well.

I myself am horribly frightened.

I have spent many a battle
hiding behind a stone or a log.

But even more
terrifying than the war

is the little bear cub
who lives near our camp.

- What a wussy.

- Hey.

That's Jack's hero.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

There's more on the back.

- PS, the men, surely
as frightened as I am,

have named the bear cub Butter.

Can you give me a minute?

- Of course.

- Hey, sweetie.

- Hey!

- I made reservations at Nobu,
you wanna go grab some lunch?

- Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.

I got so much work to do.

I was just gonna get a
sandwich from the guy.

- Sandwich from the guy.

I always wanted to get
a sandwich from the guy.

Just like a regular moron!

- Well, let's do it!

Hey, guy, can I have
a roast beef sandwich?

- Um, honey?

Honey, there's a line.

- You guys don't mind, do you?

- Hell, no.

You're Ray Liotta.

- Honey, I need to talk to you.

I don't think that
you should trade

on your celebrity
status anymore.

I mean, part of being
a regular person

is that you wait in line.

- Oh my God, you're right.

You're right.

That was such a grand-standing
movie pig thing to do.

- No, you're just getting used

to being a regular person.

- Okay.

Aww, there's no more line.

I was gettin' excited.

- There'll be others.

- I can't wait!

- Hey guy? A roast beef and...

- I'll have an egg
salad, please.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I got egg salad, but
I'm out of roast beef.

- What'd you say?

- Just sold the
last one to Mike.

- So there's no
roast beef for Ray?

- Honey, just
have the egg salad.

- That's easy for you to
say, you're havin' egg salad.

He's hookin' you up!

Me, I'm gettin' screwed here!

- You are not getting screwed.

- How's my sandwich
tastin', Mike?

- Ray.


Movie pig.

A little bit!

- Okay.

You're right, you're right.

Would it be too Hollywood of
me if I bought your sandwich?

- No, that would be sweet.

- Okay.

Here you go.

I'm not gonna forget this.


- Gentlemen, please sit.

I can't say that I wasn't thrown

by the Washington letter, but...

- He had us all fooled, Jack.

- Yeah, he had America fooled.

- And then I found this.

- Oh, what's that?

- It's another letter.

Found it in the other drawer.

- You found a real letter?

I mean,

you found another real letter?

- I mean, the chances of
finding another one are...

- Astronomical.

Elliot, would you?

- Dear Martha,

once again, I hope
this letter finds you well.

I myself am bedeviled
by a vexing problem.

Pray what to do with
my two lieutenants,

the bald Italian
with the fat neck,

and the effeminate Mr. Swallow.

- Dennis, would you
continue for history's sake?

- Sure.

Uh, how I long to
exact my revenge

in some horrible,
unexpected way,

for I am not a man
who is afraid of revenge,

or war,

or adorable bear cubs.

- We get the message.

- Wait! There's more
on the other side.

- PS, I've been
hoarding all the dew

from the mountain
in my mini-bunker?

PPS, I've glued
you to your chairs.

You glued us to our chairs?

- I cannot tell a lie.

- Ah! Ah, Mr. Liotta.

- Hi.
- Oh, what an honor.

- Let me have a table
set up for you up front.

- Yeah, that'd be great...
- Ray.

- All right, fine, fine.

We're more than happy
to be seated arbitrarily

along with the rest
of the un-famous.

- Oh, in that case,

take that table over
there, it's terrible.

You'll love it!

- Wow.

This really is terrible.

- I think it's nice, it'll give
us a little more privacy.


Show's about to begin!

- I wonder if Nina's nervous.

- She's nervous,
but she's excited.

I used to know that,
because I used to act.

Throat is probably
dry right now.

But there's someone there
to hand her a mineral water,

because that's what
they do when you're a star.

They hand you things!

- Ray, you're starting to sweat.

- She's probably
getting her makeup

all touched up right now.

Probably having some
freshly cut melon chunks!

I love those melon chunks!

- Hey, you in the back.

Shut up!

- Welcome to an evening of me.

A little announcement
from the kitchen.

They've run out of cheese,

so the fish and chicken
will now be served

in a heavy beef gravy.

Hit it, pops.

♪ Kiss the day goodbye

♪ And point me to tomorrow

♪ I did what I had to do

♪ Can't forget ♪ Won't regret

♪ What I did for love

♪ What I did for love

My leg!

My beautiful leg!

- Bravo.


- Ms. Van Horn, are you okay?

My other leg!

What's happening?

- Everyone, I'm
sorry, but I'm afraid

that with no star, the
show cannot continue.

- Wait!

I'm a star.

- What are you,
what are you doing?

I can't take it anymore, Maya!

I don't want to wait in lines!

I don't want egg salad!

I want the roast beef life.
- Oh, Ray!

- I can't live regular.

I'm a star.

And a star needs
to shine in the sky.

- Then I have to let you go.

- I'm so sorry, Maya.

- Don't be.

Just shine, star.


♪ Kiss today
goodbye - Thank you.

♪ And point me towards tomorrow

Of course, of course.

♪ We did what we had to do



♪ Can't regret ♪
Won't forget ♪ What I did

♪ For love Now, wait.

♪ What I did ♪ For ♪ Love

Thank you! Thank you!

I'm back! I'm back!

Who's got my melon chunks?

Thank you, thank you.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you