Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 11 - Nina Van Grandma - full transcript

- Okay, I'm on a hotel room
floor, but I'm fully clothed

and there are no
empty orange vials.

This is a stumper.

- You fainted when you
found out you were a grandma.

- Oh, yeah, hello.

- Mom went to go get
you some ice for your head.

I'll make you a drink.

- Oh, you sweet, naive girl,

you can't pour
them all in together.

- Just try it, grandma.

- Tess, you seem like
a lovely young thing,



but if you call me that again,

I will have to take
a swing at you.

Mmm, granny likes.

- I bet you could go
for a cigarette too.

- God, I think I
finally get why people

want grandchildren so much.

- This kinda rocks.

- It does.

You know what would
make it rock even more?

- Prescription back medication?

- That's it, I'm gonna cry.

- Oh, good, you're up, and
smoking with my daughter.

Here's the ice for your head.

- Ah, just what
the doctor ordered.



- So, you probably have
some questions for me now.

- No, it's all pretty clear.

Someone got knocked
up when they were 15,

just like her momma.

- It was the only time
I did it before I was 25.

He told me he turned sterile
from loving me too much.

- Listen, I've got an idea,
maybe the three of us could,

I don't know, go out
to dinner or something.

- Oh, actually Tess
and I had plans

to go to the planetarium.

- Oh.

- But if you want
to, you can come.

Oh, I would love to.

- The planetarium's boring.

I want to buy shoes.

- Oh, shoes,
shoes, I vote shoes.

- Wait, wait, we're
going to the planetarium.

- No, no, I have an idea.

Why don't we go to a
shoe store, but on the way,

we'll look up at the sky.

- Please.
- Please.

- Oh, okay, we'll go
shoe shopping for an hour,

and then we're going
to the planetarium.

- Oh, this is great.

None of us is getting
exactly what we want,

so we'll all mildly
resent each other,

just like a real family.

- Dennis, did you make that list

of gift idea for
Maya's birthday?

- Uh, yeah, um, oh,
wait I got it right here.

And you're in luck because
I also had a short story

due with my
creative writing class,

so I decided to kill two
birds with one stone,

and here we go.

It was his daughter's
birthday, and Jack Gallo,

a captain of industry
with a large heart

and even larger head...

- Dennis, I don't
have time for this.

- Fine, I'll skip forward.

Suddenly the pumpkin-headed
tycoon had an idea,

a brooch perhaps.

- I'm not giving her a brooch.

- Well, you can't anyway
'cause on page 11

pirates end up stealing it.

But don't worry, you knock
the head pirate overboard

and winds up in
Davy Jones' locker.

- Just go, Dennis, I'll
think of something myself.

But leave the story.

- Ahh.

- Hey, Jack, you
wanted to see me?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
have a question for you.

I need some ideas for Maya's
birthday gift, you got any?

- Yes, yes, you've got to do
something unique and personal.

Like for my grammy, I
made her a coupon book

full of Elliot dollars.

See, she trades
them in for lunches

or checker dates or back rubs.

- How about instead of
creepy grandma dollars

I give her regular
American dollars?

- You're judging me, aren't you?

- You rub your grandma.

My god, what are
you two doing here?

- Well, we were in
the neighborhood

and just thought we'd
stop in and say hello.

- I had the greatest
time yesterday.

- Oh, me too.

It turns out that
the planetarium

was both educational
and awe inspiring.

- Yes, boo, learning.

Listen, I have to call a client.

- Oh, yeah, sure you
can use my office.

Listen, no one knows
that I'm a grandma,

so if anyone asks you,
just say you're a temp.

- Oh, can I be a model instead?

- Fine, just be sure and
dumb down your vocabulary.

- Okay.

- Dumber.
- Huh?

- There you go.

- Careful there,
professionally sharpened.

- I can handle myself.

- Touche, Dennis
Finch and you are?

- I'd think you'd recognize
next month's cover girl.

- I guess it's true
what they say,

the publisher's
always the last to know.

- You publish this magazine?

- When I'm not jumping my
motorcycle over a shark tank.

- Dangerous, I like that.

- Yeah, well, sometimes
I dump a box of poison

over my head just
for laughs, whatever.

Dennis.

- That's my assistant,
he's a nice kid.

I saved him from a fire.

Dennis, now.

- He's still got a
lot of anger about it.

- Tess, we should get going.

That IMAX monkey
show starts in an hour.

- Monkeys blow.

- Hey, we share 98%
of the same DNA.

Does 98% of you blow too?

I don't want to know.

- I have an idea, what if
Tess were to stay with me

for a couple of days?

- Oh, I don't think so.

- Oh, but it would
be so amazing.

I could actually live a
little before I go back

to stupid Kansas where
I'll get old and boring

and maybe even pudgy.

- Don't ever say that.

Listen, I'm just gonna
talk to your mom alone

for just a moment.

Look, I don't want to seem
overeager, but I really want us

to feel like a family and
I think this would help.

- Well maybe but I...

- Let me do this,
please, I can do this.

- Well, on one hand,
Tess is a handful

and you are kind of a mess.

On the other hand, my therapist
says I have control issues,

you know like when
I go to the salon

I always end up
cutting my hair myself.

They just don't do it right.

- This may be good for you too.

- Yeah, yeah, maybe, okay, okay,

but there are a
few ground rules.

No clubs, no boys, no tattoos.

- Okay, I think I can
hold off for a couple days.

Oh, you mean for Tess.

- Yes.

- You're really
gonna give her cash?

- Yeah, it's the perfect gift.

She can use it for
whatever she wants.

- It feels a little
impersonal to me.

- Sorry, I don't want to date
her like you do your grandma.

- Dad, you wanted to see me?

- I sure did.

Happy birthday,
sweetie, I got this for you.

- Yeah, happy birthday,
Maya, my present's on the way.

- $1,000.

- Mine's gonna be more
in the 12 to $15 range.

- $1,000 for my birthday.

- Start the hug machine.

- I don't want it, you keep it.

- Thanks.

- Wow, I really offended her.

- You know what I'm not
gonna be doing with this money?

I'm not gonna be
spending it on my grammy.

- Yes, you will.

- She's got a hold on me, Jack.

- Oh, I am famished.

I think we should
order a big slab of ribs

and a heaping pile
of onion rings and...

- And finish off with a giant
piece of chocolate fudge cake.

- From the gentleman over there.

- Oh, you scored your first
free drink the the big city.

I'd better test it for poison.

Inconclusive, further
tests may be required.

Tess, what are you doing?

- Just taking off my bra.

- Oh, something to try, but why?

Scoring us some
more free drinks.

- Okay, you are
creating a bit of a scene.

- Am I?

- Hey, hey, alright,
the show is over.

Now that is an
impressionable young woman

who doesn't know
what she's doing,

so just cool your sleazy
45-year-old jets and back off.

Understood, good.

Tess, you can do much
better than, Tess, no.

Hello, oh, Chloe, hi.

Oh, just enjoying
our lunch, mm-hmm.

Yeah, she's right here,
having a little Chinese.

- Listen, sweetheart, about
yesterday, I made a mistake.

So here's something,
hopefully a little more thoughtful,

a little more you,
happy birthday.

Emily Dickinson, first edition.

If you're holding out
for a back rub, forget it.

- Did you like the Dickinson?

My idea.

- Wish you guys would
lay off the birthday stuff.

- Oh, I think I know
what this is about.

35 is a hard birthday, Maya.

When I turned
35, I ate and cried

and ate and cried
and ate and cried.

My eyes were all puffy.

I couldn't fit into
my sweat pants.

- It's not my birthday.

- Excuse me.

- My birthday is five
months from now.

I don't think so.

- Remember seven months
ago when you proposed to me

on my birthday and then you
fainted and ruined my birthday?

That was my birthday.

- Oh, yeah.

- I mean I just don't
think I should help him.

How hard it is to remember
your own daughter's birthday?

How hard?

- You know just be glad you're
still 34, and not 38 like me.

Wow, 38.

Hello, old friend.

- Cool office.

- Yeah, thanks.

I'm thinking of losing the couch

and putting a live
tiger over there instead.

That way I can beat the
hell out of it every morning

and give myself a good
pump going, you know.

- So have you ever
had a lap dance?

- Gee, I don't know,
what's a lap dance?

- Well, it's not
even dancing really.

It's more like
rubbing and grinding.

- Oh, that sounds kinda
goofy, but shucks, what the hey.

- What's this?

- It's called gangsta
boogie, baby, it's big in Paris.

- Okay, so are you
ready for a little bit of this?

Uh-huh.

- And a lot of both.

Oh.

- Jack, have you seen...

What the hell is going on here?

- I'm giving him a lap dance.

- Whatever that is.

- All right, out.

- Shoot, that's cool,
I gotta go anyway.

I run a fight club with
the boys in accounting.

- What was that about?

- All right, I have
had it with you.

First, you flash a
cop in the subway,

and then you drink all the goo

out of my lava
lamp, and now this?

- You're starting to
sound like my mother.

- Well, you know something,
your mother is not so bad.

I mean sure she
doesn't dress very well,

and she's kind of
boring, and well,

she's a horrible dresser.

You said that.

- Oh, god, why doesn't
she dress better?

But the point is no more bars,
no more clubs, no more boys.

- I'm not acting any different
than you did at my age.

- Yeah, well this is different.

- Why?

- Why, because I
said so, that's why.

Who said that?

- I am so outta here.

- Wait, Tess, just
Tess, wait a second.

Tess, can...

- I would chase
her but I gotta wait

for things to settle down.

- Hey, Jack, we need to
talk about Maya's birthday.

- Yes, tell me about
Maya's birthday, Elliot,

because you've been
so helpful up to now.

- Well, I was just trying...

- You were trying and failing.

First you told me to give
her money, and she hated it.

- Actually, I said the money...

- Then you told me to buy
some old book, and she hated it.

Basically everything
you say turns to garbage.

You're like a garbage dispenser.

Every week I put
money in and out comes,

you guessed it, garbage.

- I just wanted
to say that Ma...

- What were you
gonna say about Maya?

This should be good.

Seriously, in the name
of science, I want to know.

How much garbage have
you got left inside you?

Lay it on me, what do you got?

- What she wants is a
really big surprise party.

- Surprise.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong, why would
you think something's wrong?

- Oh, ha ha, thank god.

- I can't find Tess.

- What?

- I'm sorry, she just took off.

- I knew this would
happen, I knew it.

Why, why did I trust you?

- Oh, Chloe, don't
blame yourself.

- Oh, I'm not.

- We'll find her and the
three of us will sit down

and we'll have a
long talk about this

and make sure it
never happens again.

- No, the three of us are
doing nothing together.

Tess and I are going back
to Kansas, and that's it.

- And what do
you mean that's it?

- I mean this isn't
working out, me, you,

this whole relationship.

I should have just
left things alone.

- Look, I'm sorry that you...

- Where could Tess be?

Think, is there a club
she could go back to

or a guy she might run to?

- Oh, no.

- So you want to boogie-woogie

with the bugle boy, honk honk.

- Honk honk?

- Honk honk, beep beep, bam
bam, whatever let's get it on.

- So what's up?

- Maya, you know what I see
when I look out this window?

I see you and me
together eating ice cream,

seeing plays, really
spending time together

because, Maya, I finally get it.

For your birthday, I'm
giving you the gift of me.

I was gonna put a bow
on, but I didn't know

where Dennis was,
he makes the bows.

You're not saying anything.

In fact, you've got the
same pinched bitter look

you've been sporting all day.

All right, that's enough.

This isn't just your
day, it's my day too.

I was in that delivery
room for 14 hours.

The hottest day of the year.

No air conditioning,
sweat was dripping off...

Then why did it snow today?

Oh, my god, it's
not your birthday.

- No.

- Maya, I am so sorry.

- And you should be.

We are parent and child, how
could you forget my birthday?

- I know, but still I feel

it's someone's birthday.

- No, mom, I didn't forget.

Oh, oh, please, ma, stop crying.

I'll come down there.

I'll spend part of the summer.

No, what?

The whole summer,
and we'll eat ice cream

and go to see plays.

That's right, ma, the
gift of time, a gift of me.

- So then in 1987, I'm
thinking disco's dead, right?

So I put together a
little break dance group.

They call me Stratus.

Anyway, I had a signature move.

It's called the half Jack,
maybe you've seen it.

Pissoff, pissoff, pissoff.

- Look, can we
just have sex now?

- Half Jack gets
them every time.

Oh, crap.

Hey, later I'll show
you the somerpepper.

It's like a somersault,
but at the, you'll see.

What are you guys doing here?

- Oh thank god you're all right.

- All right, Tess, let's go.
- Oh, no.

- Can't, I'm busy.

- Oh.

- Finch, you can't do this.

Tess is not a model,
she's Chloe's daughter.

- You're not a model.

- And you're not a
daredevil publisher,

but I'm still gonna get naked
in your comfy apartment.

- Oh, no, you're not.

- What do you care?

Oh, wait, you're a grandma.

- Yes, I am and I
am not ashamed of it.

I am a grandma, a great grandma.

- Can you two leave now?

- Tess, you're making
a huge mistake.

How can I get you to see that?

- I can do what I want,
and I want to do Dennis.

- Wait a minute, Tess, you
just can't, with you know.

You have to...

Finch, take me.

- Take you where?

- Anywhere, everywhere, nowhere.

- Whoa.

- Mom.

- Chloe, what are you doing?

- I'm throwing myself
on the grenade.

He repulses me, but
better me than my daughter.

- Hey, I'll take it.

- No, no, you will
not, you will not take it.

You will take me.

- Hey, grandma, I
don't think you're...

Oh, nanna.

- It was like eating poison.

- Hey, that one stings a little.

- But you don't have to do
this, Tess is my daughter.

The shame of his
touch should be mine.

- Shame of his touch?

- Oh, but you're my daughter,
and I have let you down

over and over and I
want this one chance

to do something for you.

So let me have this chance.

Let the pig take me.

- Guys, this is still
my house, alright.

- You would really
do all this for me?

- Of course I would, just like
my mother would do for me.

- Oh, Tess, you're young and
wild and you want to try things

and that's great,
I did at your age.

But trust me on this, you have
to draw the line somewhere,

and this, this is the line.

- I'm sorry, mom.

- I know.

Don't just stand there.

- I love my family.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you