Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 10 - Nina Van Mom - full transcript

- Hey, hey, Jack.

How was your trip to England?

- Jolly good, laddie,
but it's right splendid

to be back in the colonies.

- Bloody splendid, old
chap, bloody splendid indeed.

- You must be exhausted
from your hop across the pond.

- Huh?
- What?

- I was just saying that you
must be tired from, never mind.

- God, I love England!

It's got everything.

The tea and crumpets,
the fish and chips,



the spotted dick.

It's just a dessert, Dennis.

- Still.

- Smashing, governor!

Look who's back from Blighty.

- Yup, me dad just come
around from holiday.

- What?

- Huh?

You're just not doing it right.

- She's fit her bleedin' wig.

- I never get to play.

- Hey, look what I
picked up in London,

a set of authentic
English throwing darts.

- Those are beauties.



- Yeah, I spent a lot
of time playing in a pub.

Got pretty good too.

- That's great, Jack.

- Whoa!

Are you challenging me?

- What?

- Fine, it's you and me
for the office championship.

- Jack, I was just...

- Saying that you were
gonna whup my ass?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- No, I...

You know what, Jack,
I've got a lotta work to do.

- You just save that trash
talk for the game, mister.

My office at two.

- What just happened?

- You startin' up with me now?

- What?

- You don't want none of me.

- Ow, God, what the hell?

- I have to talk to
you about something,

something huge, and
you have to promise

to keep it quiet.

- Okay.

- When I was 15, I sort of
bought a six-pack of beer,

and I sort of drank
too much of it,

and then I sort of fooled
around with a traveling

minister who wore
a flashy white suit.

- And you sort of got pregnant?

- No, but the next day,
I was still good to go,

and so I sort of let my
boyfriend go all the way.

He kept wanting to use
a condom, and I kept

laughing and telling
him he was a coward.

Looking back, I sort
of realized that, well,

that was sort of a mistake.

Anyway, I had a
little girl, and I gave

her up for adoption,
and now, 34 years later,

she wants to meet me.

- Nina, this is huge.

- I know.

- When are you gonna see her?

- Well, I'm not.

- What, you have to.

- No, no, I don't!

- Nina, you have
been searching for your

birth parents for years.

How would you feel if
you finally found them,

and they didn't
want to meet you?

- If you are suggesting
that there is any

similarity between my
search for my parents

and her search for
me, I fail to see it.

- Nina, don't walk
away from this.

This is your chance
to meet your daughter.

Aren't you curious
about who she is

and how she turned out?

- Chloe, they told
me her name is Chloe.

- That's a beautiful name.

- Yeah, I wanted
to name her Fluffy.

Right up until the last
minute, I kept praying

that she'd be a kitten.

So, this is it.

- Chloe is going to love you.

- Do I look like
I've been drinking?

- No.

- Well, I will in five minutes.

- Uh, Nina, can I help you?

- No one can help her
till she helps herself.

- Nina, you don't want
to meet her like this.

- Meet who?

- No one.

Your secret bastard daughter.

Oh my God, did I guess it?

I guessed.

I didn't know, I swear,
I didn't know, ha ha.

- Nina!

Is this true?

- Look, I had to give her up.

I was just a young girl.

I had no education,
no money, no skills.

Well, I could milk two
cows at once with my feet,

but that's nothing
to build a future on.

- Nina, you know,
you could've told me.

- I guess I was just ashamed.

- Oh no, honey,
this is exciting.

The landscape of Nina's
future is about to unfold

before our very eyes.

She stands on the precipice
of an unseen tomorrow.

- You know, this shouldn't
be a boring moment,

and yet, somehow, she did it.

- She has a gift, a
gift no one wants.

- Oh God, I have
such a headache.

Maya, would you be a
dear and go and grab

the biggest, pinkest
pill from my desk?

- Sure.

- You may think it's a
paperweight, but it's not.

- Okay.

- Nina, you know that
milking thing you said

you do with your feet?

- Yeah.

- This may be personal
or not the right time,

but have you ever...
- Yes, I have.

- Awesome!

- Nina, your daughter is here.

- Oh my God!

- We're here for you, Nina.

- You can do this.

- I'm not sure I can.

You know, she's gonna
expect things from me.

Things that I'm not
sure I can give her.

- I can't stop
looking at your feet.

- Dennis, shut up.

- Look, I know you're scared,
but just go and meet her.

- Fine.

But she's getting Nina Van
Horn, nothing more, nothing less.

I can't just snap my fingers
and turn into a mother.

- Hi, I'm Chloe.

- Baby girl!

- Okay, let's start it up.

This is for the
office championship.

Whoa, you can't
do worse than that,

but don't feel bad, you
were probably nervous.

- No, I don't feel bad.

I'm just not good at darts.

- Just not good at darts.

You say it like you're
not even ashamed.

- You wanna hear the truth?

I am good at darts.

In fact, I'm very good.

- You're desperate,
I can smell it.

- I missed the board on purpose.

You know why?

Because I know
that if I really try,

you'll lose, Jack,
and in my experience,

you're not a good loser.

- Elliot, trust me on
this, whatever happens

in this game, I
think I can handle it.

Son of a bitch!

You were moving around.

- What?

- I saw you in the
corner of my eye.

You distracted me.

That, sir, is cheating.

- Jack, this is
what I was afraid of,

you're being too
competitive for me.

- Competitive?

Is that the best word
you can come up with?

- What is the matter with you?

- This is called
strategy, Elliot,

I'm psyching you out.

- You're insane.

- Am I?

Or am I so inside your head,

you don't know what to think?

- There, I win.

- Yes, you won the warm-up game

and now for the championship.

- No, I'm not playing anymore.

- Nonsense, I demand a rematch!

- Forget it.

- I'm throwing, Elliot.

- I'm not playing.

- It's leaving my hand.

- I'm not, oh!

- Oh my God!

- It hurts.

Make it stop.

Make it stop!

Make it stop!

- Yes, yes, go get help.

Make it stop!

- But if you're not
back in 10 minutes,

it's a forfeit!

- This is so amazing.

I can't believe
I'm looking at you.

- Yeah, we're
lookin' at each other.

- With the same eyes.

It's like I could pop
my eyes out of my head

and stick them in your
skull, and God, no one

would know the difference,
mother, daughter,

daughter, mother.

- The word mother makes
me somewhat uneasy.

- Oh, okay.

- I mean, biologically,
it's correct,

but interpersonally, it's
not where we are right now.

Not that we can't
get there, you know!

My therapist says I
tend to over-verbalize

in highly charged emotional
situations such as this.

- You know your
breasts are larger,

but my legs are longer.

- Yeah, you mentioned that.

- It's just interesting.

- Um, listen, knowing
that I might become a little

flustered in meeting
you, I took the liberty

of preparing a list of
questions I'd like to ask you.

- Arch your back,
pumpkin, everyone wants

to see those lovelies.

- Anyway, wow, my questions...

- Me first.

Are you married?

- Uh, no.

- Do you work or are you kept?

- Actually, I'm a
corporate lawyer,

specializing in
industrial patent law.

- I slept with Mick Jagger.

- Are you saying that
Mick Jagger's my father?

- No, I was just bragging.

- Okay, well, here we go.

- Anything you wanna
know, I will tell you.

My life is an open book.

- Number one, why
did you abandon me?

- Pink pill, pink
pill, pink pill.

- Is something wrong?

- No, no, but do you
think that maybe we

could just start
with an easier one?

- Okay, well, where
is my father now?

- No idea, next.

- Well, what's his name?

- Uh, Bob, no, Bill,
no, Bruce, no, Ben.

Pass, next.

- Well I guess you just
answered the question

did you love him.

- Is there anything
on that pad about my

favorite colors or
plants that I've smoked?

- Look, you don't
have to do this.

- Oh, thank God, let's just
get drunk and go shopping.

It's always so much
fun to see what you've

bought the next day.

- Actually, I
think I have to go.

- What?

- Yeah, despite the
fact that this visit's

gonna set me back
five years in therapy,

it's been really
nice to meet you.

- You mean you're leaving?

- Yeah, I think it's best.

- No, no, but we're just
getting to know each other,

and there's so much
that I wanna tell you.

- Actually, it doesn't seem
like you wanna tell me anything.

- Oh no, I do.

- Like what?

Just give me one
thing, anything.

- You have a brother!

You have a beautiful
baby brother.

My two angels, together at last.

- I can't believe
I have a brother.

This is so weird.

- It is weird.

How about another hug?

- Dennis, you've hugged
your sister twice now.

I think that's enough.

- It just feels so right, Mom.

- You know, isn't
this kind of weird.

Oh, my bra's undone.

Anyway, isn't it weird
how we look alike

and you two don't at all.

- Oh, well, he's the
spitting image of his father.

- Yes, he was a Swedish
bobsledder, Turvold Lumpquist.

They called him
the Blond Bullet.

- You know what, we
do have the same nose.

- Aw, and I bet we both
got Mama's soft skin.

- Stop it!
- What?

Ma!

- So you stayed with Nina
after she divorced your dad?

- Uh huh.
- Uh huh.

Yeah, for the first
year, and then I got

all sulky and rebellious and
ran off to join a rock band.

We had some good stuff though.

♪ I do what I want ♪ Yeah yeah ♪

- Dennis, stop
annoying your sister.

- It's not annoying her.

Would you like to go to
a movie tomorrow night?

Maybe grab some dinner?

See where things take us?

- All right, that's it!

Stop it, stop it!

No, you don't have a brother.

Dennis is not your brother.

I only made that up
so you wouldn't leave.

- Are you serious?

- See, it's not weird
if we do it now.

- Oh oh.

- I just didn't want you to go.

You can understand that.

- Yeah, I understand everything.

I understand that you're a liar.

I understand that
you're shallow.

I understand that
you are so emotionally

stunted that this
pathetic charade is gonna

be the extent of our connection.

Goodbye.

Oh, by the way, thanks
for the faulty wiring.

- She's gone.

- I'm sorry.

- This one unhooks in the front.

- Elliot, just let me say, I
am so sorry for the accident.

- Then why did you write
winner by forfeit on the board?

- I'm bound by the rules.

If I could change them, I would.

- You know what else?

I think you meant to hit me.

- I didn't mean to hit you,
the dart got away from me.

- The dart got away from you?

Come on, Jack, you
can tell me the truth.

I won't get mad.

- Okay, I guess I
hit you on purpose.

- You evil bastard!

- You said you wouldn't get mad.

- I lied.

You could've really hurt me.

- All right, that's it.

There's only one
way to fix this.

Throw a dart at me.

It's the manly thing to do.

- I'm not throwing
a dart at you.

- Thank God.

Listen, I'm so sorry.

You were right.

I just don't like losing.

- Jack, you punctured my body.

This goes beyond
being a bad loser.

I think you have
a problem with me.

- Elliot.
- I mean, Jack,

clearly something
about me bothers you,

and, you know, if you
just acknowledge it,

maybe we can move past
it, and then by doing so,

we could become even closer.

- We're not gonna hug are we?

- In a way, yes, with our words.

We'll be mouth hugging.

No, no, no, see that
came out all wrong.

Why don't we just put
our cards out on the table.

What bothers you about me?

- I don't know.

Maybe a part of
me is still angry

about the way you treated Maya.

Maybe I never got over that.

- I know that was
hard for you, Jack.

And maybe I've never
said this to you before,

I'm sorry.

This was a pretty big moment!

- Also the way that
you say donkey.

Dunkey, who says
dunkey, it's donkey.

- Okay.

- And during the birthday
song, you're always

the guy that adds
cha-cha-cha after every line.

And must you always hug
at the end of everything?

The meeting's over, hug.

Lunch is done, hug.

We just had a hug, let's hug.

It's enough already!

Let this be the end of it!

- Okay, Jack.

- And you're always
calling yourself an artist!

You're not an artist,
you're a photographer.

You take pictures!

Okay, maybe there are
photographers who are artists,

but you're not on that level!

You're not even close, really!

Now, Ansel Adams,
he's an artist!

Ah!

- How 'bout a hug?

- You told her
Finch was your son?

- Well, I panicked.

I didn't know what else to do.

The whole day was a disaster.

- Now, I'm sure that
is an exaggeration.

- No, it was pretty
ugly, and I've seen

some bad family blow
ups, like the time my mom

found my dad's old copy
of Big Jugs and Tiny Mugs.

Big jugs make the
faces look extra small.

- Shh.

Nina, what happened today?

- Well, she was just
interrogating me like

I was some sort of criminal.

It was very uncomfortable.

- But what did you expect?

She wants to know things.

What are you afraid of?

- I'm not afraid of anything.

- Okay, we are going
to try something a little

unconventional, just
a little dangerous,

with you, me and Finch.

- Um, I think I like
where this is going.

- No.

We are going to
take part in a probing

psychological exercise.

- Boo.

- Hiss.

- No, I do this with
Dr. Feinberg all the time.

Nina, you're gonna
play the part of yourself.

Finch will play
the part of Chloe.

- This is ridiculous.

- And I will be the
emotional guide.

- Like Yoda?

- If that helps you, yes.

- Mm, yes, help me it does.

- Okay, come on,
face each other, good.

Now, let's begin a dialogue
between mother and daughter.

- Can't we at least put a
wig on him or something?

- I don't need props
and costumes to get

into character, all right?

Just give me a second.

Hoo, hoo, hoo, fee fie foe fum.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Ketchup mustard,
ketchup mustard, ketchup...

- Okay, okay.

- Mom, why did you abandon me?

- You know, at the
bar we had drinks.

Could I at least have
a martini or something?

- Nina, don't avoid.

Don't be afraid.

Just tell her your feelings.

- I don't like this game.

- Just do it!

- Okay, I was young
and alone, and I just

thought this would be
the best thing for you.

- Liar!

- Just tone it
down a little bit.

- It just came out.

- Chloe's right, I
was lying to her.

Look, I didn't give you
up because I was thinking

of you, I gave you
up because I was,

I was thinking of me.

I wanted to move to New
York and live a fast life,

and I didn't want to be
taking care of a baby.

I was selfish, and if you
hate me, I understand.

But I feel so lucky
that I had today,

because today, I got
to meet my daughter.

So thank you for that, Chloe.

Thank you, thank you for today.

I don't wanna play this game.

- Oh.

- You father's name
was Billy Gibson.

He delivered feed to our farm.

We were young and stupid,

and things got out of hand.

Look, I know that you have
a lot of questions for me,

but I'm ready to try to
give you some answers.

- Do you really mean it?

- I do.

- Wanna come in?

- Listen, I just want
to be a part of your life,

whatever that means,
you know, a confidant,

friend or even a mother.

I'm ready for anything.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Uh, Tess, I'd like
you to meet Nina.

- Oh, hi, Grandma.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps me bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you ♪