Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 18 - Erlene and Boo - full transcript

Everyone likes Nina's younger sister Erlene, who comes to New York for a visit. Nina is jealous and plots to give her the boot.

(slow paced music)

- Moving on, my
baby sister Erlene

is coming to visit from Kansas.

Now this is her first
time in the big city

or any city for that matter.

So if she comes in
barefoot blowing in a jug,

just hum along.


- Is Erlene the one
married to the crop duster?

- No that's Jolene,
but they're divorced.

The weed killer made
him grow breasts.


- So are you and Erlene close?

- Oh very very close.

Well, sort of close.

I left home when
she was a week old

and I haven't seen her since.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

what brand of weed killer?

- I don't know.

- Well, I can hardly
wait to meet her.

Did it come in a big orange can?

- Alright, meeting adjourned.

- Dennis.

- They're perfectly normal.

- You're damn right they are.


- Hi I'm looking
for Nina Van Horn.

I'm her sister Erlene.

- Well, well, well.


You must be dusty
from your travels.

May I offer you a sponge bath?

I'm 70% kidding.

- Well aren't you smoother
than a greasy nickel.

- Well I like to think so.

Dennis Finch, at your service.

Ouch baby.

- So sorry, that's my
teat squeezing hand.

- Okay, mine too.

- Hey, you're late for the
romantic getaway shoot.

Now go down the hall,
take off your clothes,

and a man named Philippe
will dip you in chocolate.

- Nina.

It's me, Erlene.

- My god, I thought
you were a model.

- Nope.

(laughter and snorting)

No I'm just your
little baby sister.

- Well.


Oh, my goodness.

Someone's been sheep shearing.

- Oh, look at you Claire.

I mean Nina.

Aren't you just one
big slice of fancy?

- Well I'm a professional.

So, come on, let's
go get some lunch

and then maybe
we'll go past my salon

and try and do something
about those eyebrows huh?


(upbeat music)

- Dennis.

- Now?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Jack Gallo.

Come on!


- Please, please, please Dennis,

that's not necessary.

I don't mean to interrupt
your busy work day

but I've just
received word that we

have had our most
profitable quarter yet.


- Let's hear it for the big
dog Jack Gallo himself!


- Thank you.

Thank you.

- [Narrator] Boo!


- So, keep on doing that...

Dennis my office.

- Way to go champ!

They love you!

- Somebody booed.

- What?!

You're crazy.

- Immediately after
my second thank you

I heard a boo.

- I didn't hear anything.

- Well of course you didn't.

You've got your ears covered
by that Rock 'n' Roll hair!

- They didn't boo they said you.

Like in you da man!


Maybe it was the wind.

- Please Dennis,
I'm not a child.

The wind doesn't go boo.

The wind goes wishety woosh.

- Well let's just move past it.

- I try to be the best
man I can Dennis.

- I'll get comfortable.

- I pay employees well,

I lavish them with praise.

- And everyone appreciates it.

- Correction, almost everyone.

There's a bad apple
in the barrel Dennis.

Find that apple.

- Okay.

- Oh and Dennis.

- Yeah.

- Trim that hair, this
isn't American Bandstand.


(upbeat music)

- Come on Jersey boy,

you don't wanna lose
in front of this pretty lady.

- We don't date anymore.

- Oh in that case.


- You're like Superwoman.

- Elliot you have got
to photograph her.

That wholesome face,
the strong athletic body.

It is so refreshing to
see a natural beauty.

- Erlene I found a doctor
who will fill in your dimple.

What are you two doing here?

- We were just hanging out.

- But you never hang out here.

- Well Erlene's
never been in here.

- Oh Nina, I am just
having so much fun.

I already feel like
part of the gang.

- Yeah well, maybe if it's
the Apple Dumpling gang.


- You always talk
about Colby like it's

this sleepy quiet little place.

But Erlene's been
telling us hilarious stories

about the characters
who live there.

- Erlene told us this one
about the barber's goat

that could do arithmetic.

- And your cousin Elwood
who swallowed all the pennies.

(laughter and snorting)

- You wanna hear a story
about swallowing things?

My friend Benny was kissing
one of the guys from ZZ Top...

- Heard it.

- Erlene, do cows
really like getting milked?

- Oh Lord yes.

- Did I mention that I'm
dating someone from Peru?

- I knew they liked it.

Something that tasty
cannot come out of sadness.

- His name is Wuzzy Hotuttle.

- You know, we had this
one heifer named Rosy

who loved it so much
that she would bring

the bucket to the
bedroom window.

You remember that one Nina?


- Finch, our little
gang here at Blush,

we're a tight knit
group wouldn't you say?

- Shh!

I'm trying to listen in
on employee chatter

to find the idiot
who booed Jack.

- I mean there's really
no room for outsiders.

Wouldn't you agree?

- You know, it's not enough
that he's a millionaire, oh no.

Everybody has to like him too.

- Nina, Erlene would
like to see some museums

so if you don't mind
we thought we'd

take her on a little tour.

- Oh.

- Do you think we'll have
time to see the Frick?

- The Frick.

Oh you delicious little rube.

I think someone is
playing a joke on you

to get you to say
something naughty.

- Actually there
is a Frick museum.

- Oh The Frick.


I was thinking of
the Keister Gallery.

That's the one I fell
for, can you imagine?

- Well, we'll have
her back by the time

you're done with your
Calvin Klein meeting okay?

- Oh yes yes, it's a
very important meeting.

Just top people.

They'll be writing
down things I say.

Screw the meeting, wait for me!

I like to have fun at the museum

looking at all the
dinosaurs and stuff.

- Worthless old piece of junk.


(upbeat music)

- Alright.

What have you found out?

- Well, the only thing
we know for sure

is I wasted three hours.

Three hours that I could've
spent at the Cheese Shop

looking for that
runny Brie you like.

- Alright Dennis, you're right.

This whole thing is absurd.

- Thank you.

- So I'm gonna put an end
to this silliness right now.

Excuse me!

Yesterday after my announcement

one of you booed me.

That stung.

So I have this to
say to that booer.

Thank you.

Thank you for making me realize

that I've lost touch with
you and your concerns.

But henceforth,
that door will always

be open to all of you.

Come to me.


- Whoa.

I think that was the
wisest most mature thing

you've ever done.

- And so the trap is set.

- What?

- I did that to put
the booer at ease.

This way, he'll come to me.

And when he does,

I'll be waiting.


- Should I book
you in a cell with the

Riddler and the Penguin?


(upbeat music)

- Ahh there you are.

Elliot Finch, come hither.

I've just been out shopping

and I got to thinking
about all of you

and I bring you all
something special.

- Oh Nina, that is so sweet.

It's a shot glass,
with lipstick on it.

- Yeah, I just wanted
to make sure it worked.

- These say Tavern On The Green.

- I also have ashtrays.

- Hey everybody it's Erlene!

- Oh and she's got
some sort of cake!

- Well, you've all been so nice

I thought I'd bake
you a little something.

- Look what it says.

- I've got a crush on Blush.

- Awe it almost rhymes.

- Well, I'll just go see if
there's some plates and forks.

- I'll help ya.

Those big city
drawers can be tricky.

- Nina, that sister
of yours is like

a breath of fresh air.

- Yeah, too bad she
has to leave soon.

- I don't know,
she's really fallen

in love with the city.

I think she'd like to stay.

- Oh no that's impossible.

Her bus ticket has a date on it.

These things can't be changed.

- Dad, wait a second.

Our receptionist is leaving.

Why don't you offer
the job to Erlene?

- Yeah, she did say
she'd love to move here.

- Well but she's never
worked in an office.

- Who cares, she bakes cakes.

- Oh let's go tell her!

- You know what,
if you don't mind,

I would really love
to tell her myself.

I mean after all,
she is my baby sister.

- Awe, I love that.

- You have to leave,
everyone hates you.


- What?!

- I am so sorry.

- Well that doesn't
make a lick of sense.

I mean why would they hate me?

- Well many here find
your voice to be grating,

your height to be in bad taste,

and now this whole cake fiasco.

- Fiasco?

They seemed
excited about the cake.

They wanted forks.

- In the fashion
world, things aren't

like they are at home.

Here, many times
people say the opposite

of what they mean.

- Well that's just stupid.

- See and here at
Blush that would mean

how very clever.

- I can't believe this.

I mean I felt so accepted.

I felt like I fit in.

I felt like I was a
part of the family.

- And yet just the
opposite is true.

- But, but.

- Here dear, this will calm you.

- But here I thought
that New York

was the city of opportunity!

- It is!

Follow your dreams!

Just not into this building

because Jack will call security.

- That just makes me mad!

I'm gonna go give
them a piece of my mind!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

don't give those
jackals the satisfaction.

You just smile,
walk straight ahead,

don't say a word to anyone.

- Like cousin Ned on his
way to the electric chair.

- Exactly.

Except don't expose yourself.


- Mmm, this cake
is unbelievable.

There's a plum
pudding in the middle.

- And a hint of rhubarb.

- Yeah, and let's not
forget about her ass.


- [Elliot] Hey, it's
the master chef!

- East coast sarcasm.

- Hey, did Nina tell
you the good news?

- I know exactly what
that means little missy!

- [Maya] Well good.

- Well good.

- Hey Erlene, this is
the best cake I ever had.

- I'm gonna kick your ass!

- No, no, no!

(upbeat music)

- Something on your mind?

You gonna tell me what it is?

What's wrong?

You don't wanna marry
Maya again do ya?

- I booed you.

- What?!


- Yes, it's true I did it.

- But why?

- I was standing next to
some women from accounting.

I thought it would
make them laugh.

I was showing off.

I'm so sorry.

- You booed me?

- And then Finch said how
upset you were afterwards.

How you felt you failed.

How you began to doubt yourself.

And I felt shame Jack!

Because you're a good man!

And my friend!

I love you Jack!

And I'm not ashamed to say it!

And the idea of my hurting you

with this stupid boo!

(Elliot speaks gibberish)

- It's okay.

It doesn't matter.

- So you forgive me?

- Are you kidding?

I feel like we're
closer than ever.

- I just need a moment.

- I understand.

- Thank you.

Thank you Jack.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, is everything
alright with Erlene?

When you guys were leaving
she seemed, well, insane.

- Ah, you noticed that too.

Yeah, poor thing.

I offered her the
job but she just

had a bit of a meltdown.

I guess she just
couldn't handle the idea

of working in our
high pressured world.

- Wow.

So is she gonna
go back to Kansas?

- Yes!

I mean, yes, yes.

She may spend a few
pointless days looking for work,

but she'll soon
march those size 13's

back to the cornfields.

- Hey Nina did you
get your message?

- What message?

- Some bar manager called.

Erlene listed you as a
reference for a waitress job.

- Toothless Bob's!

That's one of the
sleaziest dives in this city.

Although their potato
skins aren't bad.

- Why would she
choose to serve drinks

in a stinky bar when she
could be a receptionist here?

- Maybe her fear of
answering the phone.

Our granny once
told her that it was

the talking box of the devil.

- Oh, I've heard that.

- See, that is so
interesting how some things

from childhood
just stay with you

in one little incident
and you think

that you're over it, and
years later you lash out.


It's like I had this nanny once

and she used to
make me eat popsicles

with a fork and knife...
- I gotta go.

- So, how do you eat a corn dog?

Answer me!

- You're prettier than that girl

who usually works here.

Both them legs real?

- Hello.

This place is scarier
than I thought.

I should've gone to
the bathroom at work.

- Why are you here?

- 'Cause I care
about your sister.

And I wanna get
her out of this dirty,

filthy, sleazy, sexy hot pants.

- Erlene.

- Oh hi.

Oh I cannot talk right now.

I have to make a
good impression.

Here you go sir.

- Erlene you can't
work here it isn't safe.

- Oh Nina you have
shown me that I do

not belong in a
world like yours.

This is much more my level.

- How 'bout a kiss sweetie?

- Sir you don't
talk to her like that.

- I'm talking to
you Goldie Locks.

- Oh, I'm with someone.

- And besides, it does have a

certain down home charm.

- I can handle this one.

Oh, he's still alive.

- Finch, if you
don't leave us alone

I'm gonna tell
these guys that you

took ice dancing lessons.

- It's figure skating!

Although I'm not sure
everyone understand the

interesting differences.

One's a sport.

I'm gonna go.

- Erlene, I have
something to say to you.

Why don't you have a seat.

- I can't in these shorts.

- The truth is, everyone
at Blush loves you.

- What?

- They were even gonna
offer you the job of receptionist.

- You mean I'm down here
with my butt hanging out

when I could of parked it
in a cozy chair at Blush?!

- I know it looks bad.

- Looks bad?!

- I can explain...
- Oh you know!

Those boys down
at the feed store,

they said that you were a bitch!

But no, I stood up for you!

And now you go and
you screw me over!

- What boys?

- Bootsie is the calico
and Busker is the Persian.

- Oh my god they're fighting.

- No, no, no,
they're just playing.

You see he's got her ball.

- I'm warning you!

I fought my way off
Mickey Rourke's house boat.

- Bring it on bones!

- Stop it, stop it!

You guys are sisters, come on!

Now I don't know
what happened here,

but it's gotta stop.

Now I want you
to make up alright?

You should be ashamed.

I want you to hug

and maybe stroke each
others hair a little bit for me.

- I don't get it.

Why would you
do such a cold thing

like that to your own sister?

- Because I had
to sleep in the barn.

- What?!

- When you were born,
oh you were just so new

and cute and
everybody loved you.

We didn't have enough bedrooms.

So you got mine and I had
to go sleep with the goats!

- So?

- So I was only 14,
I was devastated!

And that's when I
ran off to New York.

And I haven't even
thought about it for years

but then when you
sashayed into Blush

and everybody started
fawning all over you.

- So you felt like you were
being squeezed out again.

- Well I think so.

I mean I know it sounds crazy.

- It is crazy!

Are you really that insecure!?

- I had five husbands
and four noses.

- Fair enough.

- Look, I understand
if you never wanna

talk to me again, but if you can

just put this past you then that

job at Blush is yours.

- Well no, I mean thank
you I appreciate it but,

I think I really have
to make it on my own.

- You sure?

- Well yeah.

Why don't we just
try being sisters first.

See how that goes.

- Maybe you're right.

But I'd really like to help you
find a job somewhere else.

- Well that'd be nice.

- Do you have any skills?

- Not really.

- Ahh, public relations.

I'll just go make a call.


- Then along came a spider.

You've had quite a day,

how about we
make it quite a night?

- And how would we do that?

That was incredible.

- Yeah I know.

- I mean I thought I
was a woman before

but I was wrong.

No man will ever
be able to satisfy me

the way that you,

the way that you...

Can we cut for just
a second please.

- What's up?

- But this doesn't
make any sense alright?

Who's gonna buy this?

I mean come on.

Look at me, look at him.

- Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

- No offense.

- None taken.

Listen, you were into it though.

A guy can tell.

- That's it.

- I'm so sorry.

He pays the writers off
to put him in these scenes.

- Really?

- Yeah, like earlier this season

with was two lesbian boxers.

- Yeah, I don't really
watch the show.

- Well then after that there
was this dream sequence

where I was in...
- That's right baby.

And it's gonna stay that way.

Hey, can someone
grab my underpants!?


(upbeat music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause ♪ It's
got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you