Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 17 - Where's Poppa? - full transcript

Maya and Harrison, a son of Jack's close departed friend become close. Jack gets very nervous, when he looks into the possibility that Harrison might actually be his son.

- Look.

Look, it's not that
I don't like you,

and it did take my
mind off the breakup.

But to be honest, I was thinking

it would be a one night thing.

Two at the most.

- Sure, we had some
good times together,

but please, please
don't make me say it.

- Dude, you're
out of bath beads.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Nina, we're going
to a memorial service.

I'm not sure that
dress is appropriate.

- I always wear red to funerals.

It's my way of saying,
"Hello death, kiss my ass."

(audience laughs)

- Good morning.

- Hey.

- Ah, death kiss my ass.

(audience laughs)

- Dad, do we really have to go?

- You certainly do.

Sam lazary was
this magazine's first

investor and a prince among men.

- Well then why
aren't you going?

- I don't do well
at these things.

I just get all blubbery,
and then I start drinking,

and then I say something
horrible to the valet.

- I'm Jack Gallo!

Who stunk up my car?

I want names!

(audience laughs)

Dude, I'm on your side!

- Finch, what is this in my
Diane Arbus book, huh?

- Hmm, seems to be a drawing of

Woody Woodpecker
with an erection.

- Yeah.

I love that you got it.

- This was a gift
from my mother,

and you doodled all over it?

- Buddy, I'm on the phone.

I gotta do somethin'
with my hands.


♪ He's dancing

- It's like a
naughty little movie.

- You're gone, you're gone.

I felt bad when
Maya kicked you out

of her place, but you know what?

Enough is enough.

All of your stuff is gonna
be on the street tonight.

Your clothes, your comic
books, and your thigh master.

(audience laughs)

- You think I like
this arrangement?

Think I like
mooching off friends?

You think I want
this to last forever?

I do want this to.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Mrs. Lazary?

I'm Nina Van Horn.

On behalf of Jack
Gallo and everyone

at Blush, my condolences
on the passing

of your husband's
deathly demise.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

Jack Gallo?

Oh, I haven't heard
that name in years.

He was such a rebel, so
angry at all those fat cats

with their cigars
and fancy suits.

- Ha, yeah that's our Jack.

Well, quite a turnout.

- Yeah.

Sam was really
loved by everybody.

Rich, poor, young, old.

- Mm-hmm, just for
giggles, could you

point out the richest
and the oldest?

(audience laughs)

- So your father
fell off a mountain?

- Yeah.

- I see.

So if he died four months ago,

why are you having
the service now?

- Well, we couldn't get
him out until the spring thaw,

and then the airline somehow
sent his body to Borneo.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Well, at least
we got the miles.

(audience laughs)

That was a joke.

Anyway, he may be
gone, but he's always here.

- Upon this earth
we dance not long.

- But when we rest,
remains our song.

- [Both] Martin Drake.

- Oh my god, he's
my favorite poet.

- Yeah, I saw him read
at the ACLU book fair.

- I was there.

I have the poster.

- No way.

- I can so prove it if
you come to my house.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'd like that.

- Okay.

- Well, I should mingle.

No one's talking to the Sherpas.

(audience laughs)

- Nina, I am at this
man's memorial service,

and I am so
flirting with his son.

Am I the worst
person in the world?

- No, you are not.

The whole reason
we're here is to help

the grieving get
over their pain.

Remember, life
is for the living.

And the barely living.

(audience laughs)

Hello, sexy.

(upbeat guitar music)

(Dennis groaning)
- Oh my god.


Finch, are you okay?

What happened?

- I came home,
the door was open.

I must have surprised him.

- Who?

- Some guy, he
was robbin' the place.

I made him drop your stuff.

- Hey, don't worry
about my stuff?

Are you okay?
- Yeah, he did

a real Judo number.

Lots of punches and
some below-the-belt stuff.

- Okay, you
should just sit down.

Don't worry, all right?

I'm gonna get you some ice.

- Oh, please.

- When did this happen?

- Just a couple minutes ago.

- [Elliot] Really?

I didn't see anyone run through

the hallway or
down to the lobby.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, yeah.

I think he ran out
the fire escape.

Yeah and then he flipped me off

before he jumped out the window.


Why the middle finger for me?

(audience laughs)

- Of course it was
the fire escape.


- I don't know how he got in.

I mean you were
the last one out,

and I know you locked the door.

- No, I'm sure I did.
- I'm sure you did.

- I think I did.
- You would never.

- Oh my god.
- There's no way you'd

put me in danger.
- Maybe I didn't.

Oh, Finch I'm so sorry.

- Anyway, I gotta pack.

- [Elliot] Pack?

- Yeah, you wanted me out,
so I got a room with at the Y.

I share it with a nice
young kind from Senegal.

He sells gum on the subway.

(audience laughs)

(Dennis sighs)

- Listen, listen, there's no

rush about finding
another place.

- But you said at work...
- Forget it, forget it.

- You yelled at me.
- Forget it.

(audience laughs)

You risked your life for me.

- Yeah.

Well, if you insist.

I think I'd better
soak in the tub.

- Yeah, that'll feel good.

- Bring me some juice?

(audience laughs)

- You got it.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Dad, I'm sorry I'm late.

We lost track of time.

This is Harrison.

- Hi, Mr. Gallo.

Harrison Lazary.

- Lazary.

Are you Sam's boy?

- Uh-huh, we met the
other day at the funeral.

- I'm very sorry about your dad.

- Thank you.

- Harrison, is that
a family name?

- Actually, I was named
after George Harrison.

My mom said that I
was conceived the week

the Beatles came to America.

- Isn't that a great story?

- I remember that week.

- I was in a girls'
detention center at the time.

But they did let
us have a radio.

- Yes, well it was
nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, sir.

- Come on, Harry.

I'll give you the tour.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, call me a
hopeless romantic,

but I'd say those two are
one date from Doin'-It-Ville.

(audience laughs)

Jack, what's wrong?

I think that kid is my son.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat guitar music)

Damn it, Carol's not picking up.

Not even her machine.

- So that's why you
didn't go to the funeral.

You and Carol had an affair.

- This is very
hard to talk about.

- [Nina Voiceover] Dear god.

If you prod Jack into
telling this shameful secret,

I promise I will never
touch liquor again.

(audience laughs)

- It was 1964.

- Go on.

(audience laughs)

- It was before I knew
Maya's mother, a happy time.

Sam and I were sharing a
place in the village, and Carol...

- Was a hooker
with a heart of gold.

(audience laughs)

- No, she was Sam's girl,
but I was crazy about her.

It would kill me
when she'd come over

in her capri pants
and do the twist.

- Because your parents
had forbidden you to dance.

- No, I was in love
with her, remember?

- Ah, yes.

- Anyway, they got engaged.

Then one night, just
days before the wedding,

Sam went to his
electric mandolin class,

and Carol dropped by.

- With murder in her eyes.

(audience laughs)

- Do not speak
until I point to you.

Carol and I had some wine,

watched the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan,

and then suddenly, we
were making beautiful love.

It was a night
I'll never forget.

(audience laughs)

- Well, if it was so great,

then why didn't you
end up together?

- Guilt!

I'd betrayed Sam.

I knew if I'd ask Carol,

she'd have left him,
so I said nothing.

They got married and I
just faded out of their lives.

- And Harrison?

- Well, he could be my son.

The timing's right.

How do I tell Maya
she's attracted

to a guy who might
be her brother?

- [Nina Voiceover] Dear
god, if I can be there

when he tells her, I will stop

burning things that
don't belong to me.

- I won't tell her,
not until I talk

to Carol and find out for sure.

- So, do you like him?

He's taking me
out to dinner again.

- You cannot see
that boy tonight.

- What?


- Because.

Because I need these quarterly
reports by tomorrow morning.

- Since when do I
do quarterly reports?

- Since now.

You have to learn.

I mean you're my heir apparent.

- Or not.

(audience laughs)

- I want those done
by 8 a.m. and no

delegating like some spoilsport.

Work comes first.

- Unless it's your poker night.

- I heard that.

- Of course you did.
I said it right to you.

(audience laughs)

- I can't wait any longer.

I'm gonna drive up to Carol's
house and get an answer.

Meanwhile, you make
sure Maya doesn't

see Harry under
any circumstances.

- I understand.

You call me when you hear.

- You know, I'd
like to see your face

if I just told you
to go to hell.

- Dear god, I.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat guitar music)

- Hey.

So I got us some
more videos for tonight.

- Dude, I cannot stay
up till dawn again.

- Oh, come on.

Come on, we'll watch the
tube, I'll make us omelets,

and then the sun'll come
up, and it'll all be okay.

- For you.

You get to sleep in till noon.

I gotta be here at eight,
hand-squeezing Jack's OJ.

- Finch, I thought
you understood.

The break-in left me
a little freaked out.

- A little?

You sprinkled cocoa
puffs in front of the door.

- So we can hear the
crunch of intruders.

- If you live in fear,
the criminals win.

Don't you let them win.

(audience laughs)

- Finch, I'm ashamed.

You were the one
who was attacked,

and you're being so brave.

How do you do it?

- 'Cause one of us has
to be a man about it.

Now, beat it.

I have to finish Jack's mittens.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat guitar music)

- So did you finish
totaling those profit figures?

- I did.

But instead of
adding, I multiplied.

I think Jack will be very
happy with the results.

- You know what?

This is stupid.

I'm gonna come in early
tomorrow and do this.

- What?

- Yeah, maybe Harry
and I can still get together.

- Maya, I'm warning you.

If you leave right now, I
am going to have to give

a full report to Jack
on your absence

and your insolence,
and your pestilence.

(audience laughs)

- What, you're
gonna tattle on me?

- I prefer the word
squeal, but yes.

- All right, fine.

Can I at least go
to the bathroom?

- Two minutes.

- Thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Nina Van Horn.

- [Jack] Hello, Nina.

- Oh hi, Jack.


- Carol went to
scatter Sam's ashes.

The housekeeper says
she should be back any time.

Are you watching Maya?

- Like a hawk.

She got a little uppity, but I
knocked her down a few pegs.

Oh, she's angry now,
but she'll thank me later.

The truth is, Jack, young
people want boundaries.

(audience laughs)

They're like puppies
or the homeless.

(upbeat guitar music)

(Dennis groans)

- Aah, death!

(audience laughs)

- Finch, this is Mr. King.

He's the captain of our
neighborhood watch.

- You got arms like a girl.

(audience laughs)

- See, what you said about
not living in fear was right.

So your shift is tonight,
and I'm on tomorrow.

- My shift?
- Mm-hmm.

- We're on the
street till three.

I brought jerky.

(audience laughs)

- I'm tired.

- We are all tired!

(audience laughs)

Tired of the pushers,
and the junkies,

and the johns trolling for sex.

(audience laughs)

- Finch, that guy
is still out there.

We can't let others go through

the same hell you went through.

- Get your coat, Sally!

(audience laughs)

- Sir.

(upbeat guitar music)

(doorbell rings)

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry, come in.

- I'm glad you were
able to get away.

- Would you like
a glass of wine?

- That would be wonderful.

This is for you.

(Maya gasps)

Martin Drake's
first book of poetry.

- An Attic Full of Unicorns.

Wow, I know what I'll
be taking to bed tonight.

(audience laughs)

The book.

- I know what you meant.

- There's something about you.

I feel such a strong connection.

- Would it be wrong
if I were to kiss you?

- I don't see why.

- I am here!

- Oh god, Nina.

What are you doing?

- I really need to talk to you.

Go to the bathroom,
shut the door, run water.

This isn't about you, I swear.

- But...
- Go!

- Okay, look.

Just trust me, humor
her, then she'll leave.

- Is she the one that took

my mother's ashtray?
- Yeah, probably.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, this better be good.

- Maya, you know
the old expression,

"You can lead a horse to water,

"but you can't make him drink"?

- Yes.

- Harry may be your brother.

- What?

(audience laughs)

- Jack.

- Carol, you haven't aged a day.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I just wanted to say
how sorry I am about the tragic

and awful loss of
Sam, and I met Harry.

Wonderful boy, lovely chin.

Is he mine?

(audience laughs)

(both laughing)

Yeah, the laughing
means no, right?

(both laughing)

I must insist on an answer.

- He's not yours.

(Jack sighs)

- Are you sure?

- Well, I wasn't at first.

But do you remember
back in '65 a man came

to your office to give you
an insurance physical?

- You ran a blood test.

- He wasn't really from
an insurance company.

- Ah, then that explains

the laughter during
the hernia exam.

(audience laughs)

- And he never
knew Harrison existed

until you shamelessly rubbed up

against him at his
own father's funeral.

The end.

- So what do I say?

What do I do?

- Here's the thing.

I'm a little
claustrophobic, and...

- Get back in there and shut up.

- But you see, but
the light bulb's out,

and there's no window!
- I don't care, I don't care.

Nina, look at me,
I'm falling apart.

- Well, of course you are.

You yearn to commit
a crime against nature.

(phone ringing)

Think about that
while I'm on the phone.


All righty.

Well, he's not your brother.

- (gasps) Oh, thank
god, thank god.

Oh, it's all gonna be all right.

(Harrison screams)

- Okay. (sighs)


I'm leaving now.

Thank you for
the best date ever!

- No, no, no, no!

Harrison, wait.

I am so sorry about all
this, but I have a very logical

explanation that's going
to straighten all of this out.

You see, right before
your parents got married,

my father had sex
with your mother.

- What?

- No, no, no.

It's a good thing.

We all thought that
you were my brother,

and so I certainly
couldn't be with you,

but then we found out
that you're not, and so I can.

Now how 'bout that wine?

(audience laughs)

- Your dad, my mom,
right before the wedding?

- And that's the
one we know about.

- What kind of person
tells a person that?

- A good person.

- What, you couldn't
make somethin' up?

I mean something nice?

Good lord, my father just died!

- Harry, come on!

They only did it once!

(audience laughs)

- Oh honey, don't worry.

There'll be other funerals.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat guitar music)

(Finch yells)

- Oh, it's you. (dog barking)

- You scared the
crap outta me, man.

What's that barking coming from?

- That's Gunther,
our new rottweiler.

- What?

I'm scared of dogs.

- No, he's very friendly.

I'm gonna let him
out of the kitchen now.

Just don't look him in the eye.

And if he charges, go limp.

- What?

That's it, I can't
take it anymore.

I'm gettin' out.

- [Elliot] What?

- It's too weird.

I'm gettin' my stuff and going.

- Well, come on, we're roomies.

We don't live in fear, remember?

This weekend, I was gonna
take you gun shopping.

- All my comic
books are missing.

- What?

- All my first
editions, they're gone!

- Oh, no.

The robber must have taken 'em.

- No, that's impossible.

- Why?

(audience laughs)

- 'Cause.

'Cause I hid 'em real good.

- Finch, is there possibly
something you need to tell me?

- No.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, will the robber be
returning my comic books?

- When the robber gets
paid for his phone bill.

- How long have you known?

- Since I handed
you the ice pack.

(audience laughs)

- What gave me away?

There is no fire escape, dude.

(audience laughs)

- There is no fire escape.

Damn it!

(upbeat guitar music)

- What I'm trying to say
is I've always thought

back to that night
with you in the village.

It was the most romantic
exciting moment of my life.

Really beautiful.

Very pleasant.


- It was nice.

- Don't tell me it
was nice, I was there.

- I don't know what to say.

- Say what I'm saying.

(Carol sighs)

- Jack, I'd never been
with anybody but Sam

and I was afraid I'd go the rest

of my life thinking
I'd missed something.

Then that night, there you were.

Oh Jack, I wanna
thank you so much

for helping me realize I
wasn't missing a thing.

(audience laughs)

- Nothing?

- Don't feel badly, it's
just that Sam was a titan.

- Compared to me.

- That's all I've got.

- I'm going now.

- It's just that
Sam knew things.

Things I could teach you.

(audience laughs)

- Put on the White Album.

(audience laughs)
(upbeat guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Whoo

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you