Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 16 - Sid & Nina - full transcript

Finch DJs a bar mitzvah for a kid who has a crush on Nina. Jack and Elliot set their sights on the same woman.

- And then the farmer says,
"You better see a doctor

"because that ain't no cow."

What, you didn't like it?

- I've heard better.

- Better?

People love that one!

- You know what would help it?

Change the farmer to a priest.

- Really?

Yeah, I guess that could work.

- You know what?

Instead of the countryside,
make it a foggy swamp.

- Hold on, hold on.

- And instead of
a cow at the end,

I'd make it an angry
skeleton with a sword.

- Wait, wait, wait.

How does that
make the joke funny?

- It was a joke?

I thought it was
supposed to be scary.

- What are you, a moron?

- Jack, that cow story.

Please tell me it isn't true.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Ah, Nina, are
you busy tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?

Always tomorrow with you.

It's always tomorrow
with everyone.

What is so special
about tomorrow?

I mean, what about yesterday?

Why is yesterday
so easily forgotten?

You know, when I
think back on yesterday,

I think now that
was a great day.

Alright, maybe it wasn't
great, but I'd do it again,

and I'd certainly rather
do it than tomorrow.

So, if you wanna
have a conversation,

if you need to have
a little chit-chat,

don't you ask me about tomorrow,

you ask me about yesterday,
'cause that's where I'll be.

- You know, she's been
acting strange all week.

Maybe there's some
way I can reach out.

- It might involve
talking to her again.

- Eh, she's a survivor.

Anyway, are you busy tomorrow?

- Oh, are you putting
together a crack team

to come in on Saturday

to get a jump on
the old double issue?

- That's my boy.

- Ha ha, no can do.

I'm deejaying a bar mitzvah
to make some extra money.

- Extra money?

Didn't I just give you a raise?

- A raise?

You brought in a
box of your old ties

and said leave
some for the interns.

- But you didn't, did you?

- No.

- Hey, Finch.

- Sid, there's the
bar mitzvah boy.

Getting nervous?

Tomorrow's the big day.

- Please, would
Frank be nervous?

Would Sammy or Dino?

- Uh, I don't know, I
don't follow football.

- Sinatra, the Rat Pack?

Please, Finch.

Pop music didn't
start with 'N SYNC.

- Please, I know!

They're just a
bunch of pretty boys.

Except Joey, he's
from the streets.

- Anyway, I wanted to
go over your song list.

- Dude, I got it under control.

You think this is
my first deejay gig?

- That's what you told me.

- Why do I drink schnapps?

Listen I don't have a song list.

I move the beat where the
people take the music, baby.

- I see.

- I'm not saying there
won't be a hokey-pokey.

I'm just saying that it can
and will happen at any time.

- My God, is that Nina Van Horn?

- Yeah, about 20%.

The rest is an experimental
plastic brought to you by NASA.

- Does she work here?

- Work?

Um, she draws a salary.

Let's leave it at that.

- She was the best.

Back when models had
style and personality.

Check out those gams!

You've got to get her to
come to my bar mitzvah.

- That scenario
would seem unlikely.

- Don't wait up for me.

Nice dress!

You should wear something
like that to the party tomorrow.

- What party?

- You're yanking me, right?

- Listen whoever you are,
I'm really not in the mood

for your little hobbit riddles.

- I beg your pardon.

I'm Sid Greenberg, and
my parents are throwing

this enormous,
swank party tomorrow.

Wall-to-wall celebs, I just
assumed you were invited.

As the kids say, my bad.

- Uh, Sid?

You know, it just occurs to
me that I haven't been home

to check my mail since
they put up the police tape.

- That, that would explain it.

Here's the address.

So, you'll be there?

- Oh, you bet.

Now, you're sure it's
strictly A-list, right?

- Oh, I guarantee,
you will be surrounded

by the chosen people.

(upbeat music)

- Dad!

Didn't the doctor say
you shouldn't eat cheese?

- He said too much cheese.

- How much is too much?

- Exactly!

- What?

- Keep your voice down.

- What's the matter?

- Did you see that
woman just walk by?

- Yeah?

- Her name is Helen.

She's a rep for Gucci.

We dated a few times,

and then I kinda
stopped calling her.

- Why?
- Shh!

- Oh, Dad, she's not
gonna look over here

because I said why!

- I know, but you just
talk too loud in general.

- Why did you dump her?

- I don't know.

She didn't have any oomph!

No va-voom!

No pa-pow!

- Oh my God!

- Honey, if you could
just hear yourself.

- No, no, this is hilarious.

She's here with Elliot!

- Oh, I'm sure it's
just a business thing.

- Oh no, trust me.

That's a date.

Look at the way
he's touching her arm.

- Huh.

- Oh, watch.

He's really gonna make
the bartender sweat it out

before he okays that wine.

Look, two sips,
swishes it around.

Yes, the big nod, yeah,
it's a real power thing.

- Date.

- Oh God, here we go.

You know, I really
shouldn't get the acclaim I do

for my work,

because when I'm really
taking great photographs,

it's not me doing it.

It's like a muse takes
control of my body.

I mean, it's not even like I
really want to take pictures,

I have to take pictures.

Oh my God, she's falling for it!

Can you believe this?

- I must have her back.

(upbeat music)

("Play That Funky
Music" by Wild Cherry)

♪ Hey, do it now

- Alright, alright,
what up, party people?

We're rocking in the temple

where the beats are
the di-steeple, yeah!

Whoo, y'all want this
party started, right?

♪ Playin' in a
rock-and-roll band

Who rocks the party
that rocks the party?

Alright, we'll have the answer
to these and more questions

when we come back, right
after we kick it up a notch!

Light show!

♪ Got to stop to feelin' so low

♪ And I decided
quickly, yes I did

Hey man, don't
spread this around,

but I have a mini smoke
machine reserved for later.

- Oh, uh, not a good idea.

There's a spooky-high
number of asthmatics in this tent.

- Oh, okay, that's cool.

I don't need gimmicks,
I don't need gimmicks.

- Oh, oh, oh, Nina!

Nina, Nina, welcome, welcome.

- Good, Sid, is
this a fake party

to throw off the paparazzi?

How do I get to the celebrities?

Is there a tunnel?

- Okay, celebrities!

Hey, Nina Van Horn, meet
my great-Grandpa Saul.

Great-Grandpa, tell
her about that radio show

you used to work on, and
how you'd make the rain sound

with the tin can
and the thumbtacks.

Takes a while for
him to finish chewing.

Yeah, we'll come back.

- Is that it?

How dare you lie to me!

- Oh no, wait, wait, hey, hey.

Um, the man's gotta eat!

- You deceitful
little garden gnome!

Call me a cab!

- Then I worked the
clubs in Ibiza for a while.

Brought in a
techno-house fusion sound,

still hasn't left that island.

- Finch, Finch.

Nina came and saw that
no one famous is here

and now she's gonna leave.

- Well, der, what did you
think was gonna happen?

- I don't know!

I guess I thought
when she got here,

she'd get caught up
in all the excitement.

Alright, so I didn't
think things through,

but you've got to
convince her to stay.

- No way, she's been
acting psycho all week.

- Look, I'll make
it worth your while.

I know about 30 kids who
are gonna have bar mitzvahs

in the next year.

You could make
some serious do-re-mi.

- 30 kids, huh?

That's enough to
buys mes a waterbed.

Maybe a Soloflex.

Alright, I'll think
of something.

- Good man.

- Just hurry up, I'll
mix it in my mouth!

- Hey.

- Finch, what are
you doing here?

And why are you dressed
like a gay mountaineer?

- I'm the deejay.

It's a volunteer thing.

I belong to a group that
helps kids, kids like Sid.

- Jewish kids, Finch.

There's no shame in saying it.

- No, no our Sid is
one brave little guy.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.

- He hides it well.

You'd never
know that he isn't...

- Isn't what?

- Isn't gonna be
with us much longer.

Oh God, why?

- What?

You mean he's dying?

- You didn't know?

- Well, I never
saw my invitation.

- Don't mention it to anyone.

These people are trying to
forget and just celebrate today.

- But he looks so healthy!

- It's one of the warning signs.

The point is, he doesn't
have much time left.

This thing moves fast.

There's no cure.

And science can do nothing.

You'd think science?

- God, it's just,
it's so horrible.

I mean, what exactly is it?

- Smirnoff's disease.

- You mean like the vodka?

- Is that some
sort of sick joke?

- No, no!

I just, oh God you
know, I just, I just...

I insulted him.

I called him a gnome.

- Oh, that's why he
was crying his heart out.

Alright, I'll get you a cab.

- No, no, no you won't.

No, I am gonna stay here and
celebrate and help make this

the best damn bar
mitzvah Sid has ever had.

- Good girl.

- It's not contagious, is it?

- No.

- Oh Sid?

(upbeat music)

- Okay, Helen.

Sorry again, I've been so busy.

See you tonight.

- Helen?

The woman from the bar?

- I guess.

So, is that the insert copy?

- Oh, so you're
dating her again?

- Yeah, well I've been
thinking about calling her.

- You are so transparent!

- And here we go.

- You only called Helen

because you saw
her with another man.

- That's ridiculous!

You obviously know
nothing about male behavior!

- I know what I saw.

Helen has no oomph, Elliot
sits down, and suddenly,

bang, poof, oomph!

- I swear the people across
the street can hear you!

- Aren't you at least
going to tell Elliot

that you're dating her?

- Oh, please!

Elliot won't care!

Women are a dime a dozen to him.

Except for you.

He will never know that kind
of happiness again, never.

- Hey, Jack, here are
the photos for the insert.

- Elliot, my dad has something

he wants to talk to you about.

It's about the woman that
we saw you with at lunch.

- Oh, Helen.

Oh, she's really nice.

I hope we stay friends.

- Friends?
- Yeah.

Oh, we were dating,
but I broke it off.

She didn't have
enough... I don't know...

- Oomph?

- Hey, bingo!

- Oh, really?

Well, that's terrific,

because my dad is
dying to date her again.

- Well, she's a real sweetheart.

Anyway, I'm off to the darkroom.

- Well, well, well.

Now you have
Helen all to yourself.

- That's right.

- Because no one else wants her.

- I'm very happy.

- I must have Helen back.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, alright.

I've been asked to correct
a previous announcement.

The soup does contain dairy.

And speaking of delicious meals,

how about a serving
of deep-dish funk?

(funky music)

- My, what a vigorous
people you are.

- Nina, thank you so
much for deciding to stay.

- Oh listen, I'm just
happy that I could help

make your day a little brighter.

- Would you like to see my
collection of Sinatra LPs?

- Okay.

- They're upstairs in my room.

- Great.

I'll be right with you, my
olive looks a little lonely.

- Um, hey Sid, they're
serving ice cream cake.

- No, beat it, Junior.

I'm having my dessert upstairs.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, here's my piece
on facelifts under 40.

- Thank you.

- And here's my written protest.

- I'll put it in your file.

- So, where are you
taking Helen tonight?

- You see, the thing is...
- I knew it!

You canceled the date.

- No, it's not what you think.

It's just I thought it
through once again.

- And let me guess.

Not enough oomph.

- And hardly any va-voom!

- What about ha-cha-cha?

- Your words, not mine.


Didn't you get my message?

- Yes, Jack.

Thank you for being such a man

and dumping me on my voicemail.

- Well, I figured with
these modern times...

Oh, I see.

- Helen!

Oh, you look beautiful.

So you ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Wait, wait, are you going out?

- Oh, I came to my senses,

and realized that we
have something special.

Helen's going to give
me a second chance.

I hope you don't mind.

- Oh, he doesn't mind.

He broke up with
me this afternoon.

- Really?

- Listen, you
better get your coat.

It's cold outside.

- Yeah, yeah cold.

- I must have you back.

- What?

You just dumped me!

- I wasn't thinking clearly.

We've been doing a double issue,

and I've been under
a lot of pressure.

- But I thought you said that
you weren't ready for any...

- No, no, please!

I'm begging you, give
me another chance.

- Jack, no, I can't do this.

I have a date with Elliot.

- Break it, make up
some excuse, any excuse!

He can't possibly care
for you the way I do.

- Jack, Jack, please!

I can't do this right now!


- Oh God, it's the
damnedest thing.

I think I'm coming
down with something!

- Yeah, but you were
fine 30 seconds ago.

- It's weird, right?

'Cause now I have
the chills and a fever.

I think we should reschedule.

- Or maybe we should
just forget the whole thing.

Okay, Jack, I guess
I'm free... (coughing)

Alright, that's it!

Yeah, I don't know
what twisted little game

you two are playing,
and I don't wanna know.

Just make sure neither of
you ever calls me again, huh?


Do you understand?


And get some help!

- Helen?

- Oh, well, hi!

- I've been meaning
to give you a call.

- Who is that guy?

- The luckiest man in the world.

- Welcome to my little hideaway.

- Oh, Sid, it's to die for.

- Thanks.

Patterned it after a
room at the Sands.

I must apologize
for the lighting.

- So, how's school?

- Boring, but come
June I'm outta here.

- So soon?

Oh my God.

- I'll be fine.

There's gonna be a lake,
tennis courts, log cabins.

- Oh, that's a nice
way to think about it.

In Christianity, we like
to imagine a kingdom

up in the clouds.

- You know, we're doing
way too much talking.

- I'm sorry, do
you need to rest?

- Rest!

I can rest when I'm
dead, know what I mean?

- Oh, Sid, I just can't do it.

I can't look at that
sweet round face of yours

and act like you're not dying.

- Dying?

- Finch told me.

- I'm not...

Not going to deny that
I'm angry and confused

about what's
happening to me, but

there's only one
thing I really regret.

- And what's that?

(romantic music)

- That I'll leave this earth

without ever having
known a woman.

- Funny, I wish
I could say that.

Not that it wasn't
an eye-opener.

- I don't know, I've
never fooled around

with a musician before.

- There are certain
things we like, baby.

I'll show you.

- Nina, do you
think I could give you

just one tiny little kiss?

- Well, okay.

I don't see why not.

- Ho!

- What the hell are you
doing to my nephew?

- Calm down, the boy is dying.

- What?


He's not dying.

Who told you that?

- Hey, I think there's a
futon in the maid's room.

- He told me!

- She's delusional!

She's gone crazy
with little-boy lust!

Look at her!

- Sid, I am telling your mother!

- Aunt Mindy, there's a
thousand-dollar savings bond

on the desk.

Take it and zip it, got it?


- I swear to God, if I
didn't need my eyes done...

- Well, those colored lights
aren't gonna flick themselves.

I'll catch up...

- You made me believe
that that boy was dying!

- You know, technically
we're all dying.

- Oh, shut up!

How could you
lie to me like that?

- There was
something in it for me?

- Well, I guess I
can understand that.

- You're the best!

See ya!

- Oh, what a day.

Ups and downs and all arounds.

- What a miserable
end to a miserable week.

- Oh, baby.

It's nothing old Bossa
Nova can't put right.

Hit it, boys.

(dance music)

- I hardly think that some
stupid lounge music is gonna

to make me feel...
What are you doing?

Just get off of me!

- Sorry, I thought we were
caught up in the moment.

- What moment?

- Give me a break, I'm
working from old movies here.

- Oh, for God's sakes!

Will you stop it with the
movies and the Rat Pack

and the martinis?

You're only 13!

- Yeah, and 13 sucks.

- No, 50 sucks!

- You're 50?

- How dare you!

- Well, you just said it!

- Well, I lied!

I'm not gonna be 50
for three more hours,

so I'm still in my
mid-to-late 40s,

and I would like to
be treated as such.

- I gotta tell you, I
don't know what to say.

- Well, of course you don't.

You're just a kid.

- Oh, I am so sick
of hearing that!

Can't stay up late
because you're just a kid.

Can't smoke a cigar
because you're just a kid.

Can't join the Friars Club
because you're just a kid.

I wish I could just snap my
fingers and jump right to 30!

- Yeah, well so do I,
but the difference is,

you'll get there!

- Yeah, in like a million years.

- Trust me, it'll happen
before you know it.

One day you're in the
schoolyard playing doctor,

and the next, you're running
through the Senate lunchroom,

naked and crying.

Good times.

- You've lost me.

- Look, what I'm trying
to say is be your age.

You know, go to
the mall, buy a yo-yo,

ease up on the Brylcreem,

because being 13
doesn't have to suck.

- Neither does being 50.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Look at me.

My hormones are raging.

Studies show I think about
sex every eight seconds,

and when I do, I
think about you.

You're beautiful, you're
classy, you've got oomph.

- Is that like zip?

- You bet, doll face.

- Well, thank you Sid.

You've made my day just
the teeniest bit brighter.

- And besides,
one day you'll be 80

and 50 will seem
like a sweet dream.

- I'm sorry, that was a reflex.

- Wow, is there a mark?

- Uh, I'm afraid so.

- Awesome!

My first slap from
an angry dame.

I gotta go show the guys.

Hey, I'll call ya.

- Hmm, oomph.


- Are you the lady
who kisses boys?

(upbeat guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me harder

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you