Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 9 - Love Is in the Air - full transcript

En route to an important meeting in Paris, Jack runs into an ex-wife.

("Just Shoot Me Theme")

- Okay, Pumpkin, ready to go?

- Sure am.

Oh, by the way, you
made the business section.

Media mogul Jack
Gallo poised to by

unnamed French publication.

- Damn it, how does
that stuff get out?

People!

Maya and I are going
to Paris to negotiate

a big takeover, but it's
top secret, so no questions.

- What are you taking over?



- It's a hot fashion
magazine called Joile.

We're gonna buy it
cheap, fire the staff,

and turn it into French Blush.

But that's all I'm
gonna tell you.

(audience laughing)

All right, I've left
you all my numbers

in case of emergency.

- Well, don't worry, Mr. Gallo,

I'll make sure the little
guy gets to bed by nine.

(audience laughing)

(speaking in foreign language)

- All right, just calm down.

(audience laughing)

- Do I look that
stupid in my beret?



- Um...

- Finch!

- Let's not start the
week off on a bad note.

- Did Jack read my
memo explaining why

I should go to Paris with him
next week instead of Maya?

- Next week?

- You know, wake up.

Jack just went, oh.

- He just went into
his office to read it.

- Good.

I have to go to Paris.

- Why?

- Why?

I'm a fashion editor.

Paris is the fashion capital.

Besides, there's something
in Jim Morrison's grave

I need to get back.

(audience laughing)

- I don't get it.

What are we gonna do?

Go around all week
pretending Jack's here

so Nina will go crazy
and, oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.

You're delightfully evil.

- Yes, won't you join me?

(audience laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

- I feel so guilty
flying first class.

- What's the alternative?

- Coach.

(laughing)

- Are you serious?

Maya, you're a deal maker now.

Everything you do
should say look at me.

I'm powerful.

I'm important.

- Hey, isn't that your ex-wife?

- Hide.

(audience laughing)

- Jack?

- Roberta!

- This brings back memories.

You hiding under a blanket.

The only thing missing
is my best friend.

- Hey, not in front of my kid.

- [Roberta] Maya.

- Hi, Roberta.

- My oh my, I haven't
seen you since you

were in pigtails and braces.

- Yeah.

- I hope you sued
that orthodontist.

(audience laughing)

- My love, I put the dog
in the window seat, yes?

- This is my boyfriend Ernesto.

Ernesto, this is the
sleaziest man on earth.

- Ah, Jack!

(audience laughing)

- Okay, precious,
let's get you buckled in.

- This is why I pay alimony?

So her dog can get its own seat?

- Oh, he loves first class.

You know what his name is?

Jack.

Guess why?

- Because she had
him castrated, too?

- No, because he humps
everything that moves.

(audience laughing)

- It's so funny! (laughing)

Now it's awkward.

I sit.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Nina.

You look real pretty today.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

And who are you?

(audience laughing)

- I'm Kevin.

I've worked here
for three years.

I bring your mail every day.

I said, hi, I'm Kevin, to
you at the Christmas party

and gave you the watch
you're wearing right now.

(audience laughing)

- Oh well, it doesn't matter.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you have voicemail.

- Oh, just leave it on my desk.

- No, your phone, it's blinking.

- It's supposed to blink.

That's how you
know it's plugged in.

(audience laughing)

- [Recording] You
have 857 messages.

- How did you do that?

- It's easy.

I could be your tutor.

- Nina, we got a
situation out here.

You better come quick.

- What's the matter?

- Oh cupid, why me?

- Jack is very,
very angry with you.

- Why?

- Why, whoever knows why.

- Whoa, whoa.

I've never seen him so mad.

Oh my god, Nina,
what did you do?

- What did you do?

- I don't know.

Look, Jack's been
mad at me before.

I'll just go in there,
he'll yell and scream,

I'll start to cry, he'll
get a phone call,

I'll slip out.

The cycle of life continues.

- Not this time.

He only ate half his donut.

- But Jack always
eats his donut.

Maybe it was his second one.

- The point is he put one down.

- Okay, then there
must be some way

I can get back on his good side.

- I don't see how.

Oh, by the way, Jack
needs someone to

volunteer to be
our official greeter.

- What do you mean
by official greeter?

- Well, you know how
at The Gap someone

always says hello
whenever you walk in

to make you feel welcome?

- I surely do.

(audience laughing)

- Well Jack wants
someone to try it here.

He would consider
it a personal favor.

- Well, fine, I'll do it.

- No, like hell you will.

I'm doing it and
nobody can stop me.

Welcome to Blush!

Welcome, I'm Nina.

Hi, welcome to Blush.

So good to have you.

(audience laughing)

- Look at them
guzzling champagne

and feeding pate to their dog.

Their dog, Maya.

- Dad, don't get all worked up.

I mean, sure she's
a piece of work,

but we both have to move on

and forget about how
she mooed like a cow

every time I ate a potato chip.

(audience laughing)

- Ernesto, I have the
hotel on the phone.

Do we want one suite or two?

- Two.

We can open the door
and play tag in the nude.

I love nudie tag.

(audience laughing)

- You hear that?

Two suites.

She's bleeding me dry.

God, if I could just convince
her to marry that guy,

I could get her off the books.

- Hmm.

- Who likes the pate?

Oh, who likes the pate?

- Or plan B, she mysteriously
vanishes in France.

It happens.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you for choosing Blush.

Please enjoy a
complimentary issue.

Take it, take it, oh,
just take them all!

(audience laughing)

- Nina, Nina, attitude.

- Enough already.

I don't know what I did
to make Jack so angry,

but I am sick of living in fear.

- I wouldn't go in there.

- Out of my way.

- [Dennis] Ow, Jack no!

Ow!

- What's happening?

- Nothing, I slipped.

How's it going?

- Nina wants to tell
Jack that she's tired

of living in fear.

- Not true, Jack.

I find it exhilarating.

(audience laughing)

- Anyway, good news.

In the midst of his rage,

Jack says he's leaning
toward taking you to Paris.

(gasping)

- Really?

- But he's worried about
your foreign language skills.

He wants you to translate
this article in French.

- What?

That's crazy.

I don't speak French.

- Okay, I'll just tell him
you said to go to hell.

- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Maya speaks French.

Maybe she'll help me.

- Yeah, you go.

(audience laughing)

You think this is too mean?

- Aw, too mean?

That's like asking
if the Internet has

too much porno.

It doesn't.

(audience laughing)

- Maya?

(soft dramatic music)

Let's see.

(soft dramatic music)

Wait a minute.

- You look really pretty
when your head swivels.

My name's Kevin.

- Damn it!

Finch and Elliot have been
making a chump out of me.

Well, it's pay back time.

Are you any good
at practical jokes?

- Well, I've been in a bunch.

- Good, then you're
gonna help me.

- But those guys are my friends.

You want me to throw
them off the building?

(audience laughing)

- Roberta?

Roberta?

- She's asleep, but
you can talk to me.

I love to listen.

- How about that?

So have you two
ever thought about,

I don't know, getting married?

- Oh, how can I not?

She talks about it all the time.

- Wait, she wants
to get married?

- Si, but I,

Ernesto, I'm not so sure.

- Uh-huh.

May I give you some advice?

- How can I say no, huh?

You put the clothes on my back.

(laughing)

- I guess I do, don't I?

- Your money becomes our money.

Armani, get it? (laughing)

- I do get it.

- Jack, Jack, you
are hurting me.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, Dr. Peters?

Hi, it's Maya Gallo.

No, no, I got on the plane.

That's not why I'm calling.

It's her.

She's here.

Across the aisle.

Yes, I did the
confidence exercise,

but what's the use?

I'm no good at it!

(audience laughing)

- What I'm saying is,

Roberta is a very special lady.

Warm, sensitive.

Loves dogs.

- Ah, I love dogs!

But I am puzzled.

Why do you say these things
to me, Ernesto, her lover?

- Because I let
Roberta slip through

my hands and I don't want you

to make the same mistake.

- Well, well.

- See, I've never
told anybody this,

but since Roberta and
I split up, I felt empty.

Sure, I've tried to fill the
void with other women,

but the truth is
someone like her

comes along once in a lifetime.

Ernesto, you're a lucky man.

- I love that you envy me.

And you have given
me much to think about.

- Don't think.

Don't think.

Just grab hold of
her and never let go.

Because...

Because...

I should go.

(audience laughing)

The deal is in play.

- What's wrong with the plane?

(audience laughing)

- Someone's in
here. (door rattling)

Roberta!

- I heard the beautiful
things you said.

All these years I never
really knew how you felt.

I want you, Jack.

(audience laughing)

The next move is yours.

- You are aware I've
had six cups of coffee.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

Roberta, please.

We can't have sex in here.

- Jack, that's not what I want.

- Oh good.

Just curious.

Is it because I've
put on a few pounds?

- I mean I want us
to get back together.

This time we can make it work.

What's standing in our way?

- What kind of a
question is that?

I'm happily married.

- I've heard those words before.

I know they mean nothing.

- Okay, okay that's fair.

(audience laughing)

But what about Ernesto?

- Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure he's the one.

- Are you kidding?

He's very charming
and practically bilingual.

- But you said
you still love me.

- I do, and that's
why I want to see you

happy with
somebody like Ernesto.

He's a great catch

and he's totally devoted to you.

- Mmm.

- [Maya] What are you doing?

- Being congratulated by you.

I'm almost engaged to Roberta.

- Oh, okay.

- I hope you will
come to our wedding.

- Oh, sure, that would be nice.

- And after the ceremony,

I would be honored
if you would be

the first woman I consummate
my marriage with, hmm?

- Oh, I don't think
you understand

what that word means.

- Oh, I think I do.

Mmm.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- Roberta, think back.

Were we ever really
happy together?

I defy you to think
of one example.

- When we were on that
cruise and we sneaked

into the lifeboat.

(chuckling)

- All right, but can
you name one time

when we were
married to each other?

- Well...
- That's my point.

Now think about Ernesto.

Loyal, sweet, charming Ernesto.

He would die for you.

And he's right
outside that door.

- He is pretty
charming, isn't he?

- Go to him.

(audience laughing)

- You're right, Jack.

Uh-oh.

It's stuck.

- Oh, quite kidding around.

- I'm not kidding, it's stuck.

- Well try the lock.

- I already tried the lock.

- Okay, now I'm
getting claustrophobic.

Small box!

Small box!

- Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Ooh!

(audience laughing)

- Congratulations, you just
joined the Mile High Club.

- Watch your mouth, buddy.

We were just talking.

FYI, I've been a
member since '63.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, for god's sakes,

how long does it
take to download

10 years of voicemail
and reassemble

the words into new sentences?

(audience laughing)

- You promise we're
goin' on a date?

- Yes, yes, yes, now just
wrap it up, brain cakes.

- Okay.

Check it out.

Here's the old message.

- [Jack] Where the
hell are you, Nina?

Elliot and Dennis
are already here.

- And here's how I altered it.

- [Jack] Where the hell
are you, Elliot and Dennis?

- It's brilliant.

Okay, now all we
have to do is build

some sort of
realistic Jack puppet,

put a tape recorder inside,

and lower it into his office.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, I was thinking
we could just pretend

Jack is callin'
them on the phone.

- Hmm, two excellent plans.

What to do, what to do.

(audience laughing)

- I'm telling you, he
was hitting on me.

- You must've misunderstood.

Italians are a very warm people.

- He licked my hand.

- It's their culture.

If he didn't, it would be rude.

Please tell me you
licked him back.

- I have amazing news.

Ernesto just proposed to me.

We're going to be married.

- No? Really?

That's great.

Isn't that great, Maya?

- Um, Roberta, I don't
mean to rain on your parade.

- Of course, honey,
but stop slouching.

When I first saw
you on the plane,

I thought who is
that little buzzard?

(audience laughing)

- Have a nice wedding.

- Where are you going?

- [Maya] To make a phone call!

- [Roberta]
Shoulders back, dear.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

Ah.

Jack Gallo's office.

- [Jack] Dennis, what
the hell are you doing

in my office?

- Just working, Jack.

- [Jack] You should be working.

(audience laughing)

I want you and Elliot

to find the Donna Kline photos

and send them to my
hotel in French land.

- French land.

Do you mean France?

- And who's Donna Kline?

- [Jack] You heard me.

If you value your jobs,

donut mess up.

(audience laughing)

- He sounded mad.

- And I think he
has the hiccups.

(audience laughing)

- Let's go.

- You're right, Dr. Peters.

I should simply say, Roberta,

I am a person with
feelings and deserve respect

and then just walk away.

And once again I'm
sorry for waking you up.

Enjoy your honeymoon.

(audience laughing)

Sorry, thank you.

- [Roberta] Hi, Jack.

- I'm waiting for a cookie.

I don't know where
that stewardess is.

- I have a favor to ask.

You've done so much to
make this marriage happen.

Would you consider
giving me away?

- Oh, I'd be honored.

In fact, it's all
I've dreamed of.

- We're going to have it in this

beautiful old chapel we
know in Paris near Montmartre,

this Saturday around two.

- Why wait till then?

When we land we can
go straight to the church.

- I'm not sure it's open.

- Oh, then why not get
married at the airport?

It's France.

There's bound to
be cathedral there.

(audience laughing)

- Jack, you're such
a good, good man.

- Ah, I am a good man.

In fact...

Oh hell, Roberta,
I can't do this.

Your fiance is a horn dog.

(gasping)

- Ernesto!

- I love love.

(audience laughing)

- You gotta admit,
he's very charming.

- Roberta?

I am a person with feelings
and I deserve respect.

And I'm going to have to ask you

to do some hard
thinking about that.

(sobbing)

(audience laughing)

Wow.

Bullseye!

(audience laughing)

- Well look harder.

The FedEx guy'll
be here any minute.

- Well why don't you
know where this stuff is?

You're the photographer.

- Why don't you?

You're Jack's little house boy.

- Oh, at least I've
been to his house.

- Oh, what, to serve
cocktails in a sailor suit?

(audience laughing)

- That was a Swedish blazer

and everyone found it adorable.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

Still get compliments.

Jack Gallo's office.

- [Jack] What the
hell are you doing?

Dennis and Elliot.

- Ah, we're just lookin'
for the photos, Jack.

- Yeah, we're just having
a little trouble finding them.

- Maya, patience is running out!

Elliot, smack
Dennis on his butt.

(audience laughing)

- Wait. What?

- [Woman] To transfer
out of voicemail, press five.

(audience laughing)

- Wait a minute.

- Kevin, you moron.

- Can't help it.

Your arms are naked.

- Oh.

- Wow, Nina.

- Oh, ho-ho.

You gotta admit,
she burned you good.

(audience laughing)

- Me?

Figured it out two hours ago.

- You dirt, I was onto
this thing from the start.

- Yeah, well I was...
We're pathetic.

- We got fried.

(phone ringing)

Jack Gallo's office.

- [Jack] Hi, Dennis, what's up?

- Oh, cut the crap.

We're on to ya.

- [Jack] What's that?

I can't hear you.

- Oh really?

Can you hear this?

Bite my ass!

- But bite mine first, please.

- Yeah, butt sandwich.

- Chomp it!

Aye aye, get in there.

- I'm sorry, Nina.

I ruined the whole thing.

- I knew we should've
gone with the Jack puppet.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, I'll be back soon.

And I wanna get this straight.

Whose ass should I bite first?

(audience laughing)

- Jack, it's Nina.

It's all my idea.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, no, it was
worth a shot, yeah.

(audience laughing)

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Yeah (laughing)