Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 8 - First Date - full transcript

Maya and Elliot are going out on a date. But Cindy, Maya's former secretary who's now a media buyer wants to get space in the magazine. So she goes out with Maya and Elliot and they all get...

(funky music)

- Heads up, gang!

Big news, my broken
heart is mended.

I, Dennis Finch,
am in love again.

- You're kidding!

- What's her name?

- Well, right now I'm
calling her Page 106.

- Uh, Dennis...
- You know, it's funny.

Just when you stop
looking for love, it finds you.

- That's Carmella,
she's married.

- Not a problem.

Well, what about this
little tease on 202?

- All right, I think I
know what this is about.

Nina, if you don't mind, we're
gonna have some guy talk.

- I'll start.

So how about that new stud
down in the loading dock?

Well, you know
where you can find me.

- Eh, Dennis, I'm glad
you finally accepted

that your marriage is over,

but don't you need
a little time to heal?

- Jack, I just divorced
a supermodel.

I may still have enough heat
on me to snag another one,

but I gotta act quick

or it's back to feeling
up the woman janitor.

- Trust me on this, you
need to lay off women.

You need to reacquaint
yourself with you.

- I've done that over and
over but it makes me sleepy.

- No, I mean re-channel
your energies.

Take up a hobby,
learn an instrument,

travel awhile.

- Jack, no offense,
but I think I can decide

when I'm ready to date again.

I'm a grown man.

Oh, check out the boobies!

- Oh god I'm sorry,
that was wrong.

That was wrong, just
because we kissed last night

I shouldn't assume...

- No, no, I have an
aspirin in my mouth.

- I should go.

- No, no, no, no, no, wait!

Um, maybe we should
think this through.

Fact: We kissed last night.

Fact: It's happened before.

Fact: There are feelings
at play between us.

- You are a volcano of passion.

- I just think we should
proceed with extreme caution.

- I know, I know,
because we work together.

Because we don't wanna mess
up our friendship, because...

- Because you're
kind of a big slut.

- Maya, if you don't mind, I
prefer the term swordsman.

And what are you getting at?

- I'm just saying I'm
not like the other women

that you hop
right into bed with.

- Maya, with those
other girls it was about fun

and sex and laughs.

With you it wouldn't
be like that at all.

No, I mean, with
you it would be...

I mean, thinky, you know.

Funny, sexy, thinky...
- Stop talking.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Here's my proposal.

Maybe we should
meet for dinner tonight.

- Terrific, a dinner date, then.

- No, no, no!

Dinner meeting.

More structure than hanging out,

less suggestive than a date.

Any questions?

- Yes.

If we make out will you
bring the proper forms?

(funky music)

- And I want your
most romantic table.

The one near the fireplace.

No, no, no, the
booth in the corner.

No, no, no, the
fireplace, the fireplace!

Look, look, we need to
enjoy the dance of the flames

without feeling the
heat, you know?



- Oh, I get it.

You're taking out a young model

and giving her advice
on the business.

Perhaps you'll suggest
test shots back at your place

followed by sexual intercourse.

- It's not like that.

This girl is special.

- How special?

- Special.

- Crying Game special?

Hey, give me back my Rolodex!

- What makes
you think I have it?

- Well, because eight
models have called

to complain that you've
been harassing them for dates.

- Hmm, well, one
of them accepted.

- She was afraid!

She thought you
were in the house.

Anyway, don't you think
you're aiming a little high.

- Not at all.

Adrienne was voted the
seventh most beautiful woman

in the world.

I'm willing to go as
low as number 30.

31 if she's got a trampoline.

- Hey, you guys.

Guess who's on her way up?

My old assistant, Cindy!

- Oh no.
- Oh no,

not that gold brick of
stupid from the idiot bank.

- "Hi, I'm Cindy!

A song is a poem
that loves to dance!

Every time you give a
hug, a bunny gets its wings!"

- And here's yours!

- Oh!


- I brought everyone
Thanksgiving muffins.

They're no fat, so big
yummy, small tummy!

- Do I smell heaven
or is that Cindy?

- Born and raised!

- Come here and give
your Uncle Jack a big hug!

- One order of bunny
wings coming up!

(Jack laughs)

- Everyone!

Our little Cindy has gone on

to become a very
important person!

Tell them, Cindy.

- I am a media buyer.

I purchase large blocks
of space for our clients

to advertise their
products. (exclaims)

- What?

Cindy are you sure?

- Pretty sure.

You see, after I left here,

I got fired from a
whole bunch of jobs.

So I asked myself,
"What would Maya do?"

- Oh, that's sweet.

- So I went to my dad, who
owns a huge advertising agency

and he made me Vice President.

So thank you, Maya,
for launching my career.

- Cindy now buys millions
of dollars worth of advertising,

which is... wait a minute,
something we sell around here.

- Oh! Small world!

- Let's make it smaller.

- Again!

Who else wants a hug?

- I'll go ask around.

- Oh better not.

No telling what I might do

if I get my hands
around your neck.

- Now!

I insist I thank Maya,
my mentor and idol,

by taking her out tonight
for a thank you dinner

to say, "Thank you!"

- Oh, Cindy.

That's so sweet, but
actually I'm busy tonight.

- Busy with what, a date?

- Like hell!

No, no, no, it's not a date.

It's a meeting, a dinner
meeting, only a meeting.

- So cancel it, okay?

Good, then it's settled.

But first, guess who's got
a new gumball machine?

- (gasps) You do?

- No, you do.

(Cindy squeals)

- Hey, wasn't that
your dingbat assistant?

- Yeah.

- Hey, what's wrong?

- Oh, I'm just dreading tonight.

- What, you think
you're a picnic?

- What? No, I'm not
talking about you.

My dad is making me go out
to dinner with Cindy tonight.

- Tonight?

- Well, I'm sorry, maybe
we could reschedule or...

- What?

- Now the next
summer, I was on the top

and Amy Grossblatt
was on the bottom bunk.

And then across the cabin,

Jenny Socca was
on the bottom and...

Oh, who was on the top?

Who was on the top?

- Heidi Goldberg.

- Yes!

Oh, Elliot, I'm so
glad you came.

(kicking under the table)

- Who wouldn't want to be
seen with two beautiful women?

- A bat?

- A bat?

- Bats are blind, they
only care how we smell.

Did I get it?

Woo-hoo! My turn!

All right, who
wouldn't wear a shoe?

- Check, please!

- Ooh, I want a Baked Alaska.

- Oh no, Cindy, that'll
take a half an hour!

- Oh, don't worry,

I have a story that'll
take twice that long.

It's all about my yellow poncho.

- You want another drink?

- Make it a pitcher.

- Two more pitchers.

- We want a pitcher,
not a belly itcher!

♪ Poncho, poncho,
my little friend

♪ When it rains,
you cover my end

♪ Smack smack smack
goes the rain on my hood

♪ Smackedy smackedy
smackedy smackedy

♪ Smackedy smackedy
smackedy smackedy

♪ Smackedy smackedy
smackedy smackedy

And that, in a nutshell

is why I love the
Dewey Decimal System.

(slaps hand on table)

Where's my Baked Alaska?

You know what, I really
should have ordered them

both at the same time, huh?


- Let's run away.

- We can't.

I'm drunk.

Oh, Elliot, I'm so sorry.

You are such an
angel to be here.

- Well, then I guess
you owe me one, huh?

- Well, I guess maybe
I do. (clicks tongue)

- Wow.

(Maya laughs)

You winked.

- Oh, I certainly did.

- So what do you have in mind?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe something
funny, sexy, thinky.

- Mmm!

- (whispers) Maybe.

- Good morning!

(upbeat music)

- What time...

How did I...

What are you doing?

- I made all my animals
face the other way

before we did uppy downy.

- Uppy downy, what?

- Uh-huh.

- What happened?

I don't remember anything.

- Well, after dinner,
me and you and Maya

all got into a cab...
- Oh no, Maya.

- And we dropped her off first

because she said she
had this big headache.

And I asked her, "What
gave you the headache?"

And she wouldn't say.

So I asked her again
and she wouldn't say.

So I sang her this little song:

♪ What gave you
that headache uh uh

♪ What gave you
that headache uh uh

And so she ran out of the
cab and into her building.

Then by the time
we got to my place,

well you were pretty out of it.

So I helped you up here,
we took off our clothes,

and uppy downy.

- Why to do I keep hearing the
Lone Ranger theme in my head?

♪ Uppy down uppy down
uppy down down down

♪ Uppy down uppy down - Oh god!

♪ Uppy down down down

♪ Uppy down uppy down
uppy down down down

♪ Uppy down uppy down down down

- Thank me, Finch.

I found you a model.

- Really?

- Oh, I had to help.

You remind me of
that story in the bible

about the little frog
who kisses the princess

and falls down the beanstalk.

- Anyway.

- Oh, her name is Kim.

- Go on.

- Well, she likes them short
and she's big on pity sex.

- (laughs) I still got heat!

- Hold on, Nina.

Dennis, big mistake.

Right now you're
confused and vulnerable.

Meaningless sex will
just make you feel worse.

- Worse?

Or for a few precious moments
like you'll never grow old?


- What happened to
everything I said about...

About re-channeling your
energies, finding a hobby?

- Jack, I'm not going
to a quilting bee.

- That was just a suggestion.

And here's a better one.

- A harmonica?

- Playing the banjo got
me over Roberta Flack.

A harmonica is gonna
get you over Adrienne.

- You realized that based
on certain tax arrangements,

I'm legally capable of
putting you in a home.

- Hey, Elliot.

- Oh, hi.

- Man, I don't know about
you, but all night long,

pounding pounding pounding!

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

You were a saint to come along.

- Tell you what,

let's just forget the whole
night ever happened.

- No, no, no, no, no!

What you did last
night really showed me

what kind of guy you are.

Maybe the kinda
guy that I could...

- Elliot, you crazy
mister jump away rabbit!

You left your belt at my place!

- What?

- Uh, Cindy, no, I think
you made a terrible mistake.

That's... That's
not my belt, no.

- But your initials
are on the buckle.

And you chased me
around with it, remember?

Ooh, Maya's got some
hustle in her bustle!

- Please, Maya, let me explain.

- Oh, those are the most
pathetic words men ever utter.

What's next, "I didn't
know what I was doing,

I was drunk, it meant nothing."

- Okay, well now
I need a minute.

- Just forget it.

I knew you were a
compulsive bed hopper,

but this time you've
outdone yourself.

- I'm so sorry, I
know it looks bad.

- Looks bad?

- Is bad, terribly bad!

- You slept with another
woman on our first date!

- Hey, hold on, I thought
we agreed it wasn't a date.

- Oh, it was a date!

- You two are a terrific team.

Cindy just told me she wants
to buy eight inside covers.

So whatever you kids
were doing last night,

keep on doing it.

(funky music)

- All right, Kim's
on her way up.

You ready, tiger?

- I came outta my mama ready.

- Huh, that's pleasant.

- Hey, Nina.

- Uh, Kim, this is Dennis.

- Ooh, he is short.

- Heh, you should
see me sitting.

I got it from here. (whistles)

So, would you like
to grab a cocktail?

- I'd love that.

- Yeah.

Sounds great.

Go out, have a few drinks, have
some laughs, have some fun.

- Nothing wrong
with a little fun.

- Course there could
be a little caring.

I mean, what's wrong
with a little caring?

Or love for that matter?

You know, some people
search their whole lives

and never find their soulmate.

My god, so many
feelings are coming up.

Let's just hold
each other tonight!

Every night!

I'm not afraid to
die because I know

that then we'll be
together forever!

Come to me, the time is now!

- No way, you psycho!

(sad harmonica)

- What's going on?

- Oh, Maya.

Why does everyone have to

dump their romantic
problems on me?

First Elliot comes to
me all brokenhearted

and then Finch has an
emotional breakdown

with a 500 dollar
an hour prostitute.

- What do you mean,
Elliot was brokenhearted?

- Uh, apparently he
had sex with Cindy

and it ruined things with
someone he really cared about.

- Well, how much
could he really care

if he had sex with Cindy?

- Well, I don't know,

but I've never seen
him this upset before.

- So, um, this other woman,

did Elliot say anything
else about her?

- All right, enough about
Elliot, enough about Finch.

Everyone turns to Nina,
but what about me, Maya?

Who warms the sun?

- So you understand
that my blacking out

and you dragging
me into your bed

doesn't make me your boyfriend.

- Oh, I understand.

- Thank god.

- I love you.

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

I'm not gonna stop saying it
till you tell me you love me!

I love you.

- Cindy.
- I love you.

I love you.
- Stop.

- I love you.

- Please, stop.

- I love you, I love
you, I love you!

- Cindy shut up.

- I love you!

- All right, I love you!

(diners clap)

- Cindy.


I don't know how to tell you
this, so I'm just gonna say it.

I have romantic
feelings for Elliot.

- Really?

- Really?

- We've had a growing
attraction for a long time

and despite what
happened last night,

we owe it to ourselves
to see where it goes.

I'm sorry and I hope
you understand.

- Hope I understand.

Do you think just because I
see the world sunny side up

that I'm some sort of half-wit?

That I don't have feelings?

You can just push me aside
and it doesn't even matter.

Oh, I understand, all right.

- Oh, Cindy, I'm so sorry.

- Okay! (laughs)

- What?

- I can't stay mad at
you guys! (exclaims)

(imitates phone)
"Nature calling, line one!"

Well, aloha.

Which also means hello.

But not right now! (laughs)

(Maya laughs)

- Maya, I don't
know what to say.

I'm, uh, I'm overwhelmed,
I'm feeling so many things.

- Okay, I'll see you
back at the office.

- What? Wait, hold on.

What about romantic
feelings and growing attraction?

- Well, that was just
to get rid of Cindy.

I knew eventually
you'd strangle her

and that would be
bad for business.

- Oh, I see, just business.

- That's right.

- So I guess there's
no chance of...

Of a dinner meeting, huh?

- Good guess.

Hey, come on, you
know, we're friends.

Let's just keep it that way.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.


I gotta go.

- Women!

- Shut up.

Sea Breeze.

- Hi, Dennis!

- Gah.

- Uh-oh!

Looks like your
frown's in town. (giggles)

I'd say your smile
may take a while.

Last chance to
see my underpants!

- Let's go.

(funky music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you