Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 7 - An Axe to Grind - full transcript

Maya becomes a pawn in the ongoing competition between Elliott and his old college classmate.

(funky music)

(sniffing)

- What's that smell?

- I'm doing the Wolf
Fever shoot today,

there are sheep in my studio.

- Yuck, how many?

- I don't know, I counted
five then nodded off.

- I-diddle-diddle.

- Oh, Finch, are you okay?

- Of course, why wouldn't I be?

- Uh, because your marriage
fell apart three days ago.



- Fell apart?

We've never been closer.

- But she left you.

- We just needed
some alone time.

Boy, you two are
the gloomy twins.

- Finch, she mailed you
back her wedding ring.

- She didn't wanna
lose it at Club Med.

God, good morning.

- I am worried about that boy.

- I know, he's
completely delusional.

- And not the good delusional,

which convinces you that
one tiny hand-rolled cigarette

couldn't have started
such a big forest fire.

- Nina...



- My point is, Finch
is a ticking time bomb

and unless we are
very careful, voila.

(audience laughing)

- Voila?

- I mean, kaboom.

- Larry King is an ass.

- And a lousy kisser.

- What's the problem, Jack?

- He's bumping me off his show

so he can interview
Alan Greenspan.

Why talk to him?

The man is a bore.

- And a lousy kisser.

- How am I supposed
to publicize my book

if I can't get any airtime?

- You know, Jack,
I have an old flame

who runs a TV news magazine.

Funny story, we met at
an orgy in the Hamptons.

I wouldn't have gone
but it was for charity.

- Nina.

- Do you think your friend
would do a story on me?

- Oh, Jack, this
show did a piece

on a water skiing squirrel.

- Sure, that they show, but
a cat who plays checkers,

I can't even get my tape back.

(audience laughing)

- I could get him
to do a sort of day

in the life type
thing about you.

- Okay, Nina, set it up.

Promoting my
autobiography is a top priority.

- Yeah, what about
finishing your autobiography?

- Shouldn't I be asking
you that question?

- Jack, it's hard to
construct a timeline

that makes you under 50.

(audience laughing)

- Big news, you're
all invited to my party.

- Hey.

- Oh, sweetie, I
would love to come

but that night I have to...

Oh damn, you didn't
say when it was yet.

(audience laughing)

- It's tonight and
it is going to rock.

It's a painting party.

- A painting party?

- Mm-hmm.

We're gonna dance,
we're gonna kick back,

we are going to
repaint my apartment.

- Then I'll expect you Saturday

at my gala toilet
scrubbing festival.

- Okay, come on,
this is gonna be great.

We're gonna order
pizza from this place

that guarantees they'll put
on any topping you want,

like if you order chocolate,
they have to do it.

- Whoa.

All right, I'm going.

- Sounds good to me.

- Yes.

Elliot?

- Maya, I will not be attending
your slave labor soiree.

- Hey.

- At least I'm telling
the truth, all right?

They're just gonna
call ya last minute

with some lame excuse.

- No they're not.

(audience laughing)

- All right, come on, guys.

What'll it take?

- We want imported vodka.

- Fine.

- Taxi ride to and from.

- Okay.

- And absolutely no painting.

- Zero.

- But wait...
(audience laughing)

(exotic music)

- Hello, sweetie.

I don't know if you're
checking your messages,

but I'll be home at 7:00
in case you get back

in the country and
wanna order in.

Oh, and hint hint,
it's somebody's turn

to take out the garbage.

I'm kidding, I'll
take care of it.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Look at him, it's pathetic.

He's in complete denial.

(audience laughing)

- Here you go, kids.

Who wants a paycheck?

- Thanks, Beth.

- Hey, Pee Wee, I saw
your wife in the paper

dirty dancing with some
big native guy in St Barts.

- It's called doing aerobics.

- Oh, was that his last name?

(cackling)

- Now, Debra, in a meeting.

- Okay, keep your
pants on, Stretch.

It's payday, it's
payday, come beg for it.

- She's like a walking
promotional campaign

for direct deposit, man.

- Hey, Elliot.

- Scott, man, I thought you
weren't coming till tomorrow.

- I got lucky.

Hey, you look like
you've been working out.

- Yeah, you know.

Oh!

(audience laughing)

Yeah, you know, I hit the
gym when I can, you know.

- So, fancy digs.

- Yeah, it's a
pretty nice setup.

- Pretty nice?

Man, you've got it made.

- Oh!

- [Maya] Hey, Elliot, can
you come in here for a sec?

- Yeah.

Hey, Scott, come with
me, this will be good.

- Hey, could you give me a hand?

I'm looking for my earring.

Oh, hello.

- Maya, I want you to meet
my old friend, Scott Talman,

he's in town for a few days.

Ask him what he
does for a living.

- Okay, what do you
do for a living, Scott?

- He's a forestry engineer.

- Oh, well, well, I'm kind
of a tree-hugger myself.

- Actually, I'm more
on the harvesting end.

- Harvesting?

- [Elliot] Mm-hmm.

(grunting)

- You chop them down?

- And here we go.

- Do you?

- Well, no, we don't
chop them down.

We use gas-powered chainsaws.

And dynamite, if
we're feeling lazy.

(gratuitous laughter)

- That's a nice one, Scott.

Maya?

- Deforestation's not funny.

It's screwing up the
whole environment.

- Uh-huh.

Interesting point coming
from someone chewing a pencil

by her oak desk.

- Ouch.

Oh my.

- What most people
don't understand is

cutting old trees allows
the forest to rejuvenate

and supports even
greater plant life.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh well, yes, you can play
with your logic all you want,

but I've never seen
logic give shade

to a tired hiker or be home

to a family of
chipmunks or stuff.

Oh, you brought him in
here just to provoke me.

- Oh!

(audience laughing)

- Now, Jack, remember
to favor your good side.

- Which is?

- Huh, where did it go?

Thanks so much
for the favor, Simon.

- Well, anything to
please you, Nina.

And I think you remember
I can back that up.

- Oh, you.

- I know, naughty Simon.

- Yeah, Jack, I found
your eyebrow comb.

- Oh good.

- Say, I recognize him.

Isn't that the little elf that got
dumped by the supermodel?

- Yes, but it's best
not to bring that up.

- Oh, yes, yes, I understand.

Say no more.

Say, mate, how would
you like to discuss

your shattered marriage in
front of two million viewers?

- Shattered?

If my marriage is so shattered,

then how come I'm still wearing
my wedding ring and hers?

- Hey, hey, here's your story.

All right, now, just
give me a second

to pretend like I'm working,
then you guys come in

and I'll look all surprised.

(audience laughing)

Mother of god, my new coat.

Look what you've
done you wooly bastard.

- Jack.

- That's a cashmere coat.

It cost more than I pay my
household staff in a year.

I'm gonna flatten you
out and stuff you in a pita.

- [Dennis] Jack.

- What?

(audience laughing)

Run along, little angel fluff.

Woohoo.

All right, hit rewind and
let's take it from the top.

- Are you joking?

That stuff was pure ambrosia.

- But it's not fair.

I didn't get to say start.

- Don't worry, I'll handle this.

Now, Simon, do you really
need to use that footage?

- Yes.

- There's no arguing
with him, Jack.

- Simon, come on.

You're Australian, I'm
American, let's not fight.

Our common enemy
is Mother England.

- No go, Jacko.

- No go?

Listen here you
unctuous little wallaby.

- Jack.

- Hey, you, cut.

- Ah, ah, you don't say cut.

I say cut.

- Listen, jackass, I've
ruined better men than you.

You wanna hear a few names?

Dennis, get the list.

- It's getting ugly again.

- It's not ugly, it's
pure ambrosia.

- I said stop that.

Stop that.

Stop it.

Stop.

He pushed me, you all saw that.

(audience laughing)

- Wow, plastic.

Now that's really bad
for the environment.

- So, you're still here?

- Yeah, Elliot's photo
shoot is taking forever.

Apparently one of the
lambs is throwing up buttons.

(giggling)

- Look, I'm sorry about before.

When I feel strongly
about something,

I tend to just say what I think.

- So do I.

Wanna go to dinner
with me tonight?

- Oh, wow.

Uh, yeah, sure.

- Good.

- Oh, great, round two.

- Uh actually, Maya and I
were just talking about tonight.

- Oh for god's sakes,
Maya, just let it go.

Nobody in their right mind wants

to paint your stupid apartment.

- Yes, Elliot, I know.

Thanks to you, I've
canceled the painting party.

Scott and I were
talking about dinner.

- Oo, dinner, there's an idea.

Come on, let's roll, man.

- Maya and I were
gonna take my motorcycle.

You know, the one
without the third wheel.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I see, so
just Maya and you.

- Uh-huh.

- You mean like a date?

- So much like a date
that it actually is one, yeah.

- Well, hey, I have
no problem with that.

You know, no problem at all.

I mean, I've got a
million things to do.

- Hey, Elliot, a sheep
just pooped in your beret.

(audience laughing)

- A million and one.

- On the bright side,
we found your class ring.

(audience laughing)

- And so the problem
is, do you save the trees

and kill the beavers or
do you save the beavers

and kill the trees?

- Wow, nothing
in life is simple.

- Well, some things are.

- So do you wanna
come in for some coffee?

- Does moss grow on
the north side of a tree?

- [Maya] Huh?

- That means yes.

- Oh.

(chuckling)

- Just starting with the primer.

(audience laughing)

(groovy acoustic music)

- Look, Jack, I am so sorry

about that little PR
fiasco yesterday.

But I think I can help.

- How, by sending
The Post photos of me

drop kicking a bunny?

- Just hear me out.

I spoke to Simon and
he's willing to make a deal.

If you can give him a better,
juicer story for his show,

he's not going to air
that footage of you.

- Really?

They'd do that?

- Oh, it happens all the time.

Like when Michael
Douglas was on TV

talking about being a sex addict

so they wouldn't run something
embarrassing about him.

(audience laughing)

- Wonderful, except
for one little problem.

Where am I gonna
find a juicier story?

Think, Jack, think.

- Should I think too?

(audience laughing)

- If you like.

- Hey, just gotta change a bulb.

- A really juicy story.

It's gotta have it all,
sex, heartbreak, fame.

And at the center, an underdog.

(audience laughing)

- Uh-huh, what?

- Um, exactly what did you
think you were doing last night?

- What?

You asked me to
paint and I painted.

And besides, I
was right about Nina

and Finch not showing up, huh?

Those two, huh?

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Elliot, why
don't you admit the truth?

- Well, which is, what?

- You're jealous.

- Jealous, what?

- That's right.

You hung around
my apartment all night

to make sure that
nothing would happen

when Scott and I got back there.

You're jealous and
you can't admit it.

- First of all, you have a
pretty high opinion of yourself

if you really believe that.

And second, what kind
of tramp invites a guy in

on the first date?

- Believe me, I chastised
myself in my diary.

(audience laughing)

That is not the issue.

- You really want the truth?

I was trying to protect you.

- From what?

- Scott's just using you.

See, we've always had this
ongoing rivalry over women.

One of us sets
his sights on a girl,

the other one tries to move in.

- So you're saying you've
set your sights on me?

- Maya, you're not listening.

- I was too.

What you're saying
only makes sense

if Scott thinks that
you're after me.

- Exactly, he
thinks I'm after you.

- Fine.

Why does he think that?

- Who knows?

He's a lumberjack.

- Elliot.

- Plus, remember
yesterday in the kitchen

I handed you a banana?

Well, Scott saw that.

- Yeah, so?

- Maya, Scott's
a strict Freudian.

I gave you my banana.

- I see.

Scott is a Freudian lumberjack

who saw you give me fruit.

- Finally.

- Look, Elliot, Scott and I
are going out again tonight

and I don't wanna come home

and find you
grouting my bathtub.

- I'm just trying to help you.

- Help me?

You're being
incredibly insulting.

You're saying that
there's no possible way

that Scott could
find me attractive.

- Oh, see?

Now you're just
twisting my words.

All I'm saying is that he'd
go after a bucktooth baboon

if he thought I
had my eye on it.

Oh, and now I suppose
you're mad at that, right?

I can't win, can I?

(audience laughing)

- Broken up?

If we were broken
up, would I have spent

three sleepless nights
writing this song?

♪ Adrienne, sweet Adrienne

♪ Flowers in her hair

♪ Don't try to fight it

♪ We're gonna reunite it

♪ A tall Aphrodite,
a kissy kissy bitey

♪ A-Whoa-Ho,
a-whoa-ho, a well-well-yeah

- I don't know about this, Jack.

I'm experiencing
a twinge of guilt

where my lowest rib used to be.

- Sh, sh, sh, not now.

- But Finch could
explode at any moment.

- Nonsense, Dennis is a rock.

Besides, maybe Adrienne will
see him on TV and come back.

- Oh, you don't really
believe that, do you?

- Who knows?

10 years ago I didn't
believe in the internet

and yet I'm downloading
a chili recipe as we speak.

- Right.

So there is no possibility
that you and Adrienne

have ended your tenure as
Manhattan's toniest twosome?

- None whatsoever.

We are still very much in love.

- Despite the fact
that she was spotted

with Hollywood
pretty boy Ben Affleck?

- Dude, who hasn't been
spotted with Ben Affleck?

- And the fact that she
filed for divorce today

in balmy Martinique?

- What, divorce?

- I have a copy of
the papers right here.

- Oh.

Well that's no big deal.

I mean, there's lots of reasons
why people file for divorce.

Like maybe she never
wants to see me again.

Oh my god.

I'm all alone.

Can't breathe.

I'm alone.

I'm alone in a
little blonde box.

- Well, Jack, I
hope you're happy.

He may have to be sedated.

Somebody run to Maya's office?

I've taped a package
under her desk.

- Oh no, Dennis, my
boy, what have I done?

Okay, deal's off.

You can use the footage of me.

- No way, Gallo, I'm going
with the weird little weeper.

Unless, of course, you've
got something juicier still.

- He came out of the shower
naked, dripping with sweat,

and rubbing his Super Bowl
MVP trophy all over his body.

And then he told me
that he had thrown

two interceptions that day
and needed to be punished.

- [Simon] Simon says, stay tuned

for the entire shocking story,

coming up next on
Inside Undercover.

(action news music)

- Thanks, Nina.

- Yeah, you really
took one for the team.

- Interesting choice of words.

- What do you mean?

- Stay tuned.

(audience laughing)

- Guitars?

- Maple wood.

- Chopsticks?

- Spruce.

- Pine furniture?

- [Both] Oh.

- You.

(laughing)

Hey, Elliot.

- [Maya] What are
you doing here?

- I'm taking my
goddess out to dinner.

Scott, this is Beth,
the woman I'm dating.

- What?

- [Scott] Hello.

- Hiya.

- Well, we're just
getting started.

Why don't you guys join us?

- Scooch.

- Isn't she beautiful?

And she's a whiz with numbers.

- Yeah, I work in payroll,

but that's just till
I get knocked up.

I love popcorn
shrimp, I love it.

(gagging)

Oh no, you're not
getting away that easy.

Back you go.

- I'm smitten.

- Can I talk to
you for a second?

- Oh sure, sure.

You'll be all right, angel?

- Where do you get off
barging in on our date like this?

Do you know how pathetic
you seem to show up

with Beth in some lame attempt
to what, make me jealous?

I mean for god's sakes, Beth?

- You know, Beth
speaks very highly of you.

- Maybe she's confusing
me with an appetizer.

- Look, I only brought
her here to prove my point,

that Scott will try to bag
any woman he thinks I want.

You watch, you watch.

Within a week
he'll be calling her.

- You are a very sick man.

Now why don't you
just buzz off so Scott

and I can enjoy our dinner?

(audience laughing)

I'm gonna have my
father fire that bitch.

(audience laughing)

Hey, pizza's here.

Wow, those fumes are strong.

- It's turpentine.

You should probably
open up a window.

- Elliot, I'm sorry I thought
that you were being jealous.

- It's okay.

If it makes you feel better,

Scott hunts deer
with a crossbow.

- Yeah, apparently it thins
the herd so they don't starve.

- Anyway, I was just trying

to protect you, you
know, like a sister.

- I know.

- But you know,
any sister of mine

would have the traditional
DiMauro birthmark.

Boop.

Yeah.

(chuckling)

- A trait usually more
pronounced in the men.

Oh.

(laughing)

No, Elliot, don't.

(audience laughing)

Maybe I should open the window.

(audience laughing)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps me bringing home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

(chuckling)

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