Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 6 - Hello Goodbye - full transcript

(light guitar music)

- Which brings me to the calico.

Which is the rarest
piece in the collection.

I defy you to find another
one with a butterfly in

it's nose.

- You collect porcelain cats?

- (chuckling) Honey,
we collect them.

- Uh, Finch, we really
need your opinion on this

sports wear layout.

- Right there, if you
like to touch him,

gloves are in the top drawer.

- So Finch, don't you think
you're taking this honesty

thing just a little too far?

- Oh, (speaking in foreign
language) without hair.

Honesty is making our
relationship stronger.

- We're just saying, you
don't have to come clean

about everything, all at once.

- My God, Dennis, what
are you downloading?

- Oh that's porno, honey,
don't worry, it's free.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Adrienne, how's it going?

- I feel dirty.

- Great.

- And furthermore, Daggit,
you have no sense of teamwork.

Your invoices are
never complete.

You dress poorly.

- Sorry, I'll come back later.

- No, no, no,
Maya it's all right.

Daggit, wait right outside.

And none of your
insulate eye contact.

Hey, peanut.

- I had no idea Daggit
was doing so badly.

- He's no worse than the
others, but what's the point

of giving an employee
an evaluation if it doesn't

motivate them?

- Motivate him, you to do what?

Wet himself?

- He's fine.

- He was crying.

- Please.

Dennis, is Daggit crying?

- [Finch] He says he's
not, but he clearly is.

- I'm sorry about that, but
it's part of being the boss.

- Yes, but you could
also stress positive things.

Throw in some
constructive criticism.

- So you would do these
evaluations differently?

- Yes.

- Then you do them.

- Really?

- Sure, you're out
there in the trenches.

You have this wild new feel
good management philosophy.

You'll be great.

- I can't evaluate the
staff, they're my peers.

I'm one of them.

- Of course you are, my
little heir to the throne.

Let's see.

I just started at D, so the
next one up is DiMauro.

- Elliot?

- Yeah, you warm up
with him and then you're off

and running.

- Fine, I'll do it, but first,
say something nice to Daggit.

- Oh all right.

Daggit, I'm sorry.

You're a very emotionally
aware and sensitive.

And if it wasn't
for your big feet,

you'd make an excellent woman.

(light guitar music)

- What's up, Kevin,
how's life in the mail room?

- I'm still sorting
that out (laughing).

- Yeah, nice delivery.

- Huh?

(audience laughing)

So word in the arcade is
it's okay for me and the guys

to talk to your wife now.

- That's right.

- Outrageous.

Finch, this is Amy.

She's my girlfriend.

- Shut up, I'm his sister.

I just moved to town.

- Hey, Amy, Dennis Finch.

- Finch?

Finch, wait.

Is your screen name Finch Fry?

- Could be.

- I out bid you on Ebay for a
Planet of the Apes nightlight.

- You're Amy-Meeny-Miney-Moe?

(audience laughing)

- So you gonna make
it to laser tag tonight?

- Oh yeah, finally.

- Welcome back, commander.

(imitating laser gun shooting)

- Hi honey, I'm sorry
I'm late I was being fitted

for a lingerie shoot.

(Kevin laughing)

(audience laughing)


- It's okay, baby,
he's a friend.

- Oh really?

Hi, I've never met one
of Dennis's friends before.

- You smell like a rainbow.

(audience laughing)

- I'm his sister, Amy.

Guess which one of us
mom was pregnant with

when we lived under power lines?

- So, ready?

- Ready for what?

- Hello, we're going to lunch.

- Dude, she's all
over your junk.

- Okay, let's go, Lurch.

(audience laughing)

- They seem nice.

Are they circus folk?

- No, they're just
part of my posse.

Which reminds me, wanna
play laser tag with me

and the guys tonight?

- I don't know.

- Don't be intimidated,
the key is to hide

until everyone else is dead.

- Or, you could come with
me and my hairdresser to

Vera Wang's house.

We're gonna chain smoke
and talk in British accents.

- How is that fun?

- Come on, love,
just give it a go.

(audience laughing)

- Or, we could do
something that brings

all our friends together.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Ooh, we should
split a grapefruit?

- No, no, no, we
should have a party.

I mean we're always
running into this problem

of having nothing in common.

- I know.

- So let's bring the
two worlds together.

- A party?

- Yeah, like in high school.

When the chess club and
the junior rocketeers were

forced to share the
multipurpose room.

Two very diverse groups,
yet damn if they didn't connect.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hey, foxy.

- Hi.

- Hey, I snagged you this
Todd Herman bag from the

shoot this morning.

I know it's small but you
obviously don't use any makeup.

Or need any.

- Oh, I get it, you
found out I'm doing

the employee evaluations.

- You're doing what, sexy?

(audience laughing)

- Save it, Nina, flattery won't
win you a good evaluation.

- Well then what will?

- Doing a good job.

- Well, it's a little
late for that, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- So I think it's you
know, going pretty okay.

- Hello, it couldn't be worse.

Your friends and my
friends aren't talking at all.

- I know, I think my
friends are afraid.

- Just tell them that models
are like any other women.

- That's the problem.

- Let's at least try to
get people to mingle.

- Hey, Finch, me and the
guys decided that your wife

is the one we'd most
like to see wrestle Xena

in the slave pit.

- Let's mingle and
code red on the drool.

- Dennis, I'd like you
to meet someone.

- Hi, I'm Tonya.

- Hi, I'm Dennis, this
is my buddy, Kevin.

- Wow, Tonya Ward.

When my parents sent me to
dungeons and dragons camp,

I had that waterfall poster
of you hanging over my cot.

- I don't think so.

That poster just
came out last year.

- That's the one.

(audience laughing)

- The girls and I
have been talking.

And no offense, but your
husband looks like a leprechaun.

- What is that supposed to mean?

(audience laughing)

- Come on, guys, circulate.

Make contact with
other life forms.

Amy, quit playing
on the computer.

We got a party.

- Playing?

We're hacking my way
into Skywalker Ranch.

- We gotta get to this
side, Skywalker Ranch?

- Gentlemen, we are now
privy to all things Lucas.

- Oh, my god!

- Oh, check it out.

Character descriptions
for the next movie.

- Baki-kwa, a shark with
legs and a Mexican accent.

Oh, how does he do it?

- Oh, yes!

(light guitar music)

- Can't you go one night
without sorting your change?

- We all have
our little rituals.

Like you combing your
hair for an hour every day.

- You comb my hair
for an hour every day.

Besides, I care
about my appearance.

Unlike your friends.

- Oh, really,
here's your friends.

How do you get your lips so big?

Oh I inject them
with my own ass fat.

- Well, at least my
friends aren't perverts.

- What does that mean?

- It means all my
underwear is gone.

- Honey, you put your
panties in an unlocked drawer,

you're dancing with the devil.

- Whatever,
let's just not fight.

- You're right, you
coming to bed?

- Hello, I can't sleep
with my contacts in.

- (moaning) Hello, your
hellos are getting annoying.

- [Adrienne] Hello, I can't
hear you when you mumble.

- Can I please get
a glass of water?

- Hi, Dennis.

- Ah!

- Here's your glass of water,

with a crazy straw.

- What?

- Now what's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Okay, good 'cause I
have to get some sleep.

They're launching my
new ad campaign tomorrow.

I'm gonna be on the side
of every bus in manhattan.

- That is so weird.

- I know, 'cause
usually I'm on billboards.

But get this, they're treating
my bus ads with some chemical

so people can't draw
mustaches or wieners on me.

Or devil horns or
monocles or thought bubbles

with something I'm not thinking.

- Blah, blah, blah, I
wish a bus would hit me.

- Ah!

- Shh, I'm still talking.

So anyhow, I've actually
never been on a bus.

Except for the
Pearl Jam tour bus,

but that's a little different
because they have,

like, a real big shower...

(light guitar music)

- Come on in.

- Okay.

Let me have it, boss.

- Oh, stop it, this'll be easy.

Your work is incredible.

- Thank you.

- I've been going over
your stuff from the last year.

Marveling, really.

You just keep getting
better and better.

- Thanks, I push myself.

- And it shows.

If I had to come
up with a criticism,

I might say...

Too many sunsets.

But that's with a
gun to my head.

- Okay.

- My point is,
wow, what a talent.

- Thank you.

- Sometimes I get
caught up in my work.

It's good to get
outside criticism.

- And some perspective.

- Exactly.

Oh, by the way, I'm doing
a shoot tomorrow in Miami.

Maybe if you come along,
you can block out the sun

with your big fat head.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- It'll be fun, you
see what I do,

we'll run in the sand
and you can block

out the sun with
your big fat head.

(audience laughing)

- How can you
possibly be mad at me?

- I'll warn the locals
to expect an eclipse.

(light guitar music)

- Hey, Finch Fry.

- Hey.

- If you're gonna
grab it, just grab it.

- Oh, no, sorry.

- That's cool.

So, Kevin's taking a
nap in the mail room.

Do you want to shave
off his eyebrows?

- Oh, uh...

- No, no, no don't worry
they grow back in two days.

- Yeah, uh.

I shouldn't.

God, let me ask jack.

- Dennis, you're a young person.

Why did I see Maya
measuring her head?

Something wrong?

- Yeah.

Adrienne and I are fighting.

We have nothing in common.

And there's this other woman.

- Dennis, this is
none of my business.

- But she's right outside.

- I'll pretend I'm
getting a doughnut.

- Ooh, be cool, Jack, come on.

- Relax, she's gone.

The only person at your desk
is some weird chick wearing

black nail polish
in a bowling shirt.

- Oh, yeah, that's her.

- Oh, very cute.

- Yeah, first time I met
her, I felt this connection.

- Yes, yes.

We're talking about
the girl with the

mismatched tennis shoes, right?

- Yeah, yeah, her name's Amy,

I can't get her out of my mind.

- Yeah, I know the feeling.

- Yes, it's her.

I'm married to one of the
hottest girls in the world.

Why isn't that enough?

- Look, I've been married 4
times, and if there's one thing

I learned, it's that you gotta
work to keep the magic going.

- Like how?

- Make some simple
gesture from the heart.

Take her for a
weekend to Monte Carlo.

Hide a diamond
bracelet in her mink coat.

Or just get her a rose
and tell her you love her.

The most important
thing is the effort.

- Right, make an effort.

- Exactly.

- Something romantic.

- There you go.

- I'll write her a poem.

- Nothing in writing.

Well, at least avoid the phrase,

I owe you everything.

So how are the
evaluations going?

- Um, great.

I've done 12 so far, and
if I had to evaluate myself,

I'd say I was doing pretty well.

I give him one little criticism

and he has a complete meltdown.

- Well, that's Elliot.

Tell you what, when I
get back from Miami,

maybe I should do the
rest of these evaluations.

- Well, fine, but I want to
go on the record as saying

that Elliot was the only
one who reacted badly to,


How did you know
that Elliot did that?

- You told me.

- No, I didn't.

- Well, we agree to disagree.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You knew that Elliot
was gonna freak out

and you dumped
him on me, didn't you?

- Hey, look what
walked up to me at Saks

and said, "Fill me with Maya"?

- Nina, I'm not even doing
the evaluations anymore.

My father is.

- Does your wife like cashmere?

- Leave it in my office.

- Thank God you're back.

Maya had a little
trouble with the system.

- (chuckling) I hear you.

- Hold it!


- Here's the thing about Elliot.

He's a great photographer,
but a temperamental artist.

Or maybe he's just a
jackass, I don't know.

The point is, once a year,
I have to criticize his work,

and he turns into
a raving maniac.

I just couldn't face it again.

- You're a coward.

- Yes.

Well, this has been quite
the experiment, hasn't it?

I guess we both learned
something today, haven't we?

- All I've learned is
that Elliot is a psycho,

and my head is 22 inches around,

which is perfectly
normal for my body type.

- Look, I know you're
angry, but give me a break.

I'm gonna be trapped on
that plane for three hours

with Elliot, I couldn't
have given him his

evaluation before that.

- You ready, big guy?

Your luggage is
already in the limo.

- You bet, buddy.

So you see my point, right?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Oh, that's my girl.

- All right, so you guys
have a great trip, okay?

- Thanks, pumpkin.

- And enjoy the night life.

- You bet we will.

- Oh, and, Elliot, by the way,
my dad's the one who thinks

you shoot too many sunsets.

- Really?

Well, maybe in Miami
you can block out the sun

with your big floppy ears.

(light guitar music)

- Ta-da!

- What's this?

- Welcome to chez finch.

Your table is ready.

- Oh, this is so sweet.

- Yeah, champagne?


French bread pizzas
will be out shortly.

- Aw, you really went all out.

- Well, we've been going
through a rough patch.

I wanted to get
us back on track.

Tonight let's
focus on the future.

- Okay.

- Like, where do you see
us five years from now?

- Well, let's see.

In one year, I hope to have
my own cable show where

I can be all crazy, but
people will think it's funny

'cause I'm a model.

But also I can be serious
and tell everyone to recycle

and stop gang violence.

- All right.

- And in three years I want
to have my own clothing line.

In four years a film career.

And in five years I want
to win the academy award

for best actress.

And me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, with me, for me.

Me, me, me, hello, me.

Dennis, are you listening?

- Yeah, me, uh-huh.

It's a good plan.

- So, uh, what else do you
have planned for tonight?

- Well, first of all, we're
gonna rent that movie

I was telling you about.

- It's Johnny Mnemonic.

What if they could
download your brain?

That would be so cool.

'Cause then you'd
have to fight off bad guys

and stuff, 'cause
you're super smart.

- Honey, are you listening?

- Yeah, of course I am.

- The point is, it doesn't
matter what we do,

as long as we do it together.

We really need to connect, so...

(phone ringing)

- Yeah, this is Adrienne.

Ooh, it's my agent.

- Honey, honey, I'm
in the middle of an,

take it, take it.

- You are such a doll.

- Thank you, baby.

- Hello, I'm talking to Arnie.

- Hello!


Will you stop saying that?

It wasn't clever 10 years ago.

Why do you think you
have a fresh spin on it?

- Dennis, what's
the matter with you?

- What's the matter with you?

You're yakkin' it up on the
phone during our special dinner.

- Well, you're babbling
on about one of your

stupid sci-fi movies.

- Any one of which
you'd kill to be in.

- Yeah, but not watch
a hundred times with

a bowl of Lucky
Charms in my lap.

- That's a cheap
shot, I'm hypoglycemic.

- You're hypo everything!

- Well, maybe I shouldn't
be your husband!

- Yeah, Arnie, I have
a little thing here.

Can I call you back?


I can't believe
you just said that.

- Neither can I.

- Did you mean it?

- I don't know anymore.

- Dennis, I think we both
might be thinking the same thing.

- Split a grapefruit?

I just think we're too
different to be together.

- I'm so sorry.

- Me, too.

- Thanks for having
the guts to say it first.

- Well, that was kind of an
accident, but you're welcome.

- Thanks for blowing the
minds of all my friends.

I can't believe this is the last
time we're gonna have sex.


- Dennis!

- Yeah, you're
right, clean break.

- You're a great guy.

I hope you can find someone
to watch Johnny Mnemonic with.

- Yeah, maybe I will.

Yeah, maybe I will.

(phone ringing)

- Should I let that ring?

- No, get it.

I gotta run.





- Hey, check it out.

My tattoo's infected.

- Adrienne!



(light guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you