Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 5 - Jack Vents - full transcript

As Nina eavesdrops on Jack's therapy session, a misunderstanding leaves Maya owing $5,000 to Finch's bookie.

(upbeat instrumental theme song)

- Oh, I found the problem.

This was stuck in a vent.

Looks like it's been
in there for years.

- Oh, uh, my laundry.

I must've misplaced it on
the way to the laundromat.

You know, where
laundry is cleaned.

- How much laundry
did you stuff in here?

- About 12 kilos.

(audience laughs)

- Finch, can I borrow
the Yellow Pages?

- Uh, I haven't seen 'em.

- Finch.

(Finch groans)

(audience laughs)

I'm working on this edgy
piece about women in gambling

and I need some hot leads.

- Ooh, in the phone book?

Way to go, Matlock.

(audience laughs)

- I'm looking up
Gamblers Anonymous.

Did you know that women are
the largest growth demographic

of gamblers in the U.S.?

- Wow, did you know that you
write for a fashion magazine?

(audience laughs)

- Elliot, do you know anyone
involved in illegal gambling?

- What?

Oh, I get it, Elliot DiMauro.


I must be connected.

I must have cousins
in waste management.

(audience laughs)

- It's not that, it's
just I remember you

betting on the
Super Bowl last year.

- (gasps) What?

Hey, my grandma's Irish
so I must've been drunk

when I did it.

(audience laughs)

- Not all Irish are drunks.

(audience laughs)

- But some Norwiegians
have bookies.

(audience laughs)

- You do?

- I like to lay a little
cabbage on the line.

(audience laughs)

- Well, maybe you could
get me in touch with him?

- Hmmm, I don't know,
I'd have to vouch for you.

You gonna throw up?

(audience laughs)

- No, this is my adorable face.

- Oh, all right, stop
doing it and I'll call him.

- [Maya] Oh, thanks.

- [Nina] Jack, we need to talk.

- Shh, shh, shh.

I'm trying to relax.

And we're about
to hear the foghorn.

(foghorn blows)

(audience laughs)

It's all crap from here.

(audience laughs)

- All right, I'll be brief.

I want access to
the company limo

and here are 26 reasons why.

- What's with the cards?

- Well, you tend to
make me nervous

and when I get
nervous, I get flustered,

and when I get flustered,
I lose my train of thought.

Now what do you want?

I'm busy.

(audience laughs)

- Jack, your sounds of
the jungle tape came in.

- Any good?

- You like monkeys?

- Leave it on my desk.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, here I am.

Why I need a limo, number one.

As an editor of this magazine,

I need to be seen in
a position of power.

- As opposed to
her usual position,

passed out under a table.

(audience laughs)

It's that easy.

- Enjoy it while
it lasts, Finch.

Puberty changes everything.

(audience laughs)

Number two.

- Nina, there's
no need for this.

I see your point.

Dennis, put it
through the process.

- Really?

I'm in the process.

I've never felt so alive.

(audience laughs)

- Sorry about that, Jack.

I tried to stop her.

- That's all right, Dennis.

It's monkey time.

(audience laughs)

(jazzy music)

- Elliot, could you
give me a hand?

I could use a little muscle.

- Oh, I see.

Because my name ends in a
vowel, I'm the office tough guy?

- Never mind, I got it.

Ah, ventilation.

Vent, elation.

Hey, now I get it.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, what about
this swimwear shoot?

- Shh.

I hear voices.

- Ooh, let me hear.

- [Woman] I never
amount to anything.

- [Man] Is that what made
you come to therapy?

- Oh my God, it's
a shrink's office.

- Hey, Nina, Jack
wants you to look at this.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- Muzzle it, boy.

We're eavesdropping
on a therapy session.

- [Therapist] We'll pick
up right here next week.

- Angle the vent to 45 degrees.

It'll maximize the
sound integrity.

(audience laughs)

- [Therapist] So, Jack,
how's your week been?

- [Jack] Pretty stressful.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my God, it's Jack.

- How long has he
been going to therapy?

- Oh, well, it's a secret.

- He didn't tell you, did he?

- I don't tell him stuff.

- Shhh, shhh. (audience laughs)

- [Jack] Everyone
wants a piece of me.

Like this morning, my
mother calls to kvetch.

- Kvetch?

- Yeah, his mom's half Jewish.

I'm surprised he
told me that much.

- [Jack] Then Nina tells me
she wants the company limo

so I gotta take care of that.

- Love you, Jack.

- [Therapist] Then
what did you do?

- [Jack] I told Dennis to
put it through the process.

- [Therapist] Oh, so you
gave her what she wanted?

- [Jack] Oh, no, that's our
little code for the runaround.

He pretends to
write something down

and I avoid Nina until
the whole thing goes away.

(audience laughs)

- Uhh, I think you
two need to talk.

(audience laughs)

- Well, it seems
you want to be alone.

(audience laughs)

- [Therapist] So let's get
back to that thing you told me

about your mother.

- [Jack] You mean how I used
to walk around in her heels?

It's like I had wings on.

(audience laughs)

- [Therapist] About how you
always seem to disappoint her.

- [Jack] It's non-stop.

She worships my
brother Eddie, but me?

I'm a bum.

- (whispers) Yeah,
well, you are a bum.

- [Jack] And yet she has
this way of getting me to do

anything she wants, anything.

She's the only one who
has this control over me.

- [Therapist] And how
exactly does she control you?

- [Jack] How many times
do I have to go over this?

- Just enough so
that I can hurt you.

(audience laughs)

(jazzy music)

- Oy vey, what a
morning I've had.

(audience laughs)

Here, Jack, I made rugelach.

- Oh, I love rugelach.

How'd you know?

- Uh, uh, uh!

Not 'til after lunch,
and don't slouch.

It makes your clothes
get all shlump-a-dick.

(audience laughs)

What are you working on?

- Um, this month's
letter from the publisher.

- Oh, Mr. Big Shot
with the writing.

(audience laughs)
Let me have a look.

- Uh, sure.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh,
don't fidget, mm-hmm.

(audience laughs)


- Well, you like it?

- It's fine, it's
good, it's done.

(audience laughs)

- What, you think
something's wrong with it?

- Oh, don't get all vish-mished.

(audience laughs)

What do I know about writing?

I didn't get the big
fancy education

so my opinion is just bupkis.

(audience laughs)

- Nina, that's not
what I meant at all.

- But it's what's been said.

(audience laughs)

Well, I'm late for lunch.

God forbid I should get run over

while I'm flagging down a cab.

- Nina, wait.

Take the limo.

Keep it as long as you want.

- Will it make you happy?

- Yes.

- Well, that's all I care about.

(audience laughs)

- Maya.

Check it out.

I hit the exacta at Belmont,
$17, tax free, all mine.

(audience laughs)

- Look up my bets.

Race 23, Rags to Riches.

- Ooh, you bet on
Jamaican dog racing?

- Of course.

I love dogs, I went to
Jamaica on spring break,

and I'm always racing
from one thing to another.

(audience laughs)

- Sometimes I wish you were
a guy so I could punch you.

(audience laughs)

All right, here it
is, Rags to Riches.

Oh, came in second.

- Yeah, Rags to Riches!

What does that pay me?

- Well, did you pick him to win?

- Yeah.
- Nothing.

- Rats!

(audience laughs)

I can't believe I just lost $50.

50, gone.

Just like that.

Now I know how addicts feel.

I disgust myself.

- Why'd you bet so much?

- Well, I don't know.

First I said five, and then
the guy on the phone said,

"Five dimes?"

and I figured what the heck.

If I bet 50 bucks,
I could win 400.

So I said, "Five dimes it is."

Ohhh, 50 bucks.

I truly have hit rock bottom.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, heh heh.

Sit down, it gets
a little rockier.

Maya, dimes are thousands.

Five dimes is 5,000.

You lost $5,000.

(audience laughs)

- What?

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Dimes are 10, like $10.

Five dimes, $50.

That makes sense.

- Sorry, dude.

5,000 bucks.

(audience laughs)

- But that can't be.

- Huh huh.

Well, this just in, it is.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, no, no.

This isn't happening.

This isn't real.

- It's gonna seem very real

when the bookie
comes to collect.

- The bookie's coming here?

(audience laughs)

- In the $5,000 range,
they tend to swing by.

- Oh, Rags to Riches,
you slow hairy bitch!

(audience laughs)

(jazzy music)

- (gasps) Oh!

- What are you doing?

- Trying to get out of here
before the bookie comes.

I just don't know how I got
mixed up with these people.

- These people, hmmm?

- Elliot, I don't
have time for this.

- An Italian made time
to discover this country.

(audience laughs)

- Fine.

I'm sorry I offended you.

You're not connected to the
mob or the wise guys or anybody.

Thank you and goodbye.

- What, you don't
think I can make a call?

I know people.

(audience laughs)

- But you just...

- You assumed I knew
people and that I resented.

- Okay, fine, do
you know anybody?

- I must.

I mean, I am Italian.

(audience laughs)


- Hi, I'm looking
for Maya Gallo.

- I'm Maya.

- Oh, good, I'm Bunny.

You placed a bet with me
earlier and I'm here to collect.

(audience laughs)

- You're the bookie?

- Mm-hmm.

- But I talked to a
guy on the phone.

- Oh, yeah, that
was my son Jeff.

He works for me part-time to
earn some money for college.

(audience laughs)

- He sounded a lot older.

- Well, he's 26.


(audience laughs)

Oh, here, I brought you this.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.


- Oh, I like to do something
special for my high rollers.

- Oh, no, no, I'm
not a high roller.

I'm just a journalist.

- Jeff's thinking
of majoring in that.

- Oh, he should,
it's very rewarding.

Actually, I'm doing a piece
on women and gambling

and, um, I've never
gambled before

so I'm not that
familiar with the lingo,

and (laughs) here's the kicker.

I only meant to
bet $50, not $5,000.

- Oh, no.

- (laughs) I know, huh?

See I thought that dimes
meant $10, not a thousand.

- Oh, you poor thing.

Oh my gosh, you must've
been absolutely horrified.

- I so was.

So, um, anyway
what I'd like to do

is give you this check for
$50 and we'll call it even.

- Here's the thing, though.

We're not even.

You owe me $5,000.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe my story
was a little confusing.

But the most important thing

is that I only meant to bet $50.

- (laughs) Oh, God, you
must have been mortified.

- I was, I was.

- Should I wait here
while you go to the bank?

- Okay, you're
still not getting it.

- Look, see, here's the thing.

I run my business
on the honor system.

Now I can't force
you to do anything,

but you do owe me money.

So I'll let you think about it.

I know you'll do
the right thing.

I'll be back.

I've gotta buy Jeff some socks
and (whispers) underwear.

(audience laughs)

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hey, I will not
do the right thing.

You can't make me feel guilty.

Thank you for the plant.

(audience laughs)

- [Patient] You don't know
what I'm going through,

Dr. Kramer.

You're smug and
judgmental and I hate you.

- [Therapist] Who are
you really angry at, Gary?

Could it be your boss?

- Well played, Dr. Kramer.

(audience laughs)

- Nina.

- Jack.

- I bought you that espresso
machine you wanted.

- Oh, Jack, you shouldn't have.

- Why are you shouting?

- Oh, I just love my gift, Jack.

I wanna thank you
for my coffee machine.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I think I hear voices.

- Pfft, who doesn't?

(audience laughs)

- They're coming from the vent.

- [Patient] I'm sorry I
yelled at you, Dr. Kramer.

- [Therapist] That's okay, Gary.

I'm from Chicago.

I can take it.

- Ha!

See, just pigeons.

- That's Dr. Kramer.

- Jack, I, I can explain.

- You listened to my
private therapy sessions.

- Oy.


(audience laughs)

- Nina, what you've
done is unforgivable.

- Jack, I wouldn't
have had to do it

if you hadn't lied to
me about that limo.

All right, okay, okay,

but ask yourself who
are you really angry at?

Could it be your boss?

(audience laughs)

- You, Nina.

I'm angry at you.

You're the one who
pretended to be my mother.

- Well, it's not fair.

I did it for one day.

Your mother did it for 60 years.

Go yell at her.

- Please, yell at her.

I can't yell at her.

Why can't I yell at her?

- Because you're weak?

(audience laughs)

- Maybe this all comes down
to me confronting my mother.

Why didn't that quack upstairs
tell me that months ago?

- [Therapist] Quack?

Well, at least I didn't
wet the bed 'til I was 12.

(audience laughs)

(jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

- Listen, you owe
Bunny five grand.

And so there's no misunderstanding,
grand means thousand.

- No way.

You know, Bunny
talks about honor,

but who's to say what honor is?

Is honor driving the speed
limit on a deserted highway?

I say yes.

Is honor making only
one trip to the salad bar

when it's not an

Oh, sure, I pile it high,
but I never go back.

(audience laughs)

- Let's cut to the chase.

I talk, you listen.


(audience laughs)


God, here's the deal.

Until you pay, Bunny's
freezing my account.

- She can't do that.

- She already has.

We bet by a code, Maya,
and I vouched for you,

and I don't do that for anybody.

And I never
thought I'd say this,

but I'm disappointed in you.


Anyway, I've got some work to do

so I'll see you around.

(audience laughs)

I'm gonna need an ice
pack and some privacy.

(audience laughs)

- I'm looking for
Elliot DiMauro.

- I'm Elliot.

- Hey, I'm Paulie.

Your cousin called
me about your problem.

- My cousin, no, no.

I just wanted to know
if I was connected.

Oh my God, I am connected.

I've got juice,
how cool is this?

Where's Maya?

- Hey, yo, shiny.

What, you call me
down here for nothing?

- No, I was just trying
to prove to a friend

that I knew somebody.

(both laugh)

- So I guess the joke's on me.

- Yeah, I guess so.

No, not at all, sir.

- Whatever.

Look, just give me cab fare.

We'll call it even.

- Ah, you got it, pal.

How much, how much?

- $1200.

(audience laughs)

- Come on.

- I'll wait here while
you run to the bank.

(audience laughs)

- Okay.

(audience laughs)


- Oh, sorry I'm late.

Gosh, traffic, arrrr.

So have you thought any
more about our situation?

- You know what?


But I'm gonna tell
you something, Bunny.

You may talk about honor,

but you're nothing more
than a common street thug

and I'm gonna
give you this money,

but you should know that now
I can't go to Club Med Oaxaca.

And this was the year

I was gonna work
up the nerve to jet ski.

(audience laughs)

- You're pretty upset
about this, huh?

- I think the frowny
faces in the zeroes

speak for themselves.

(audience laughs)

- You know, maybe
I'm a bad bookie,

or just a big softie,

but I can't stand seeing
my clients this unhappy.

(sighs) Now I'm thinking
maybe just give the $50

you thought you were
betting, we'll call it even.

- Really? You're serious?

Oh, thank you so much.

You're doing the right thing.

- You know what?

This feels right to me, too.

- I knew you had heart.

I'm gonna put
that in my article.

Oh, so I guess
that's $50 I owe you.

- Actually, I've got
more good news.

- What?

- That race you bet on?

Well, the winning
dog died this morning.

- Awww.

- Oh, I know, ohhh.

(audience laughs)

And a preliminary blood test

showed illegal
steroids in its system,

which means Rags to Riches won,

so at, let's see,
eight to one odds,

that means I owe you $400.

- 400? That's eight
rides on the jet ski.

- Enjoy Club Med.

- Oh, I will and thank
you again for the plant.

Finch, guess what?

It seems that Rags to
Riches was a winner after all.

I just won $400.

Not bad on a $5,000 bet, huh?

Wait a minute.

- Oh, I hear the gears cranking.

(audience laughs)

- That's $40,000.

You owe me 40 dimes, you bitch.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- And I don't mean
to hurt your feelings,

but I just needed
you to hear that.

- I see.

I didn't realize what
a bad mother I was.

- No, that's not
what I meant at all.

- No, I'm a difficult person.

That's a nice pen.

(audience laughs)

- It's yours.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait.

This is exactly what
you were talking about.

I just manipulated you.

- No, no, it was only a
present from Arnold Palmer.

You should have it.

- How long have I been this way?

- I don't know.

All my life or so.

- (gasps) Oy vey.

Son, I want you to listen to me

like you've never
listened before.

Of all my kids, you
were the special one.

If I pushed you harder,
it was because I knew

how much you had
to offer the world,

and look at you now.

I'm proud to be your mother.

- Really?

- Of course.

- Oh, Ma, I'm so happy.

I love you, too.


- Hi, hi.

Sorry to interrupt, but
there's a problem with the limo.

It's out of brandy.

Hello, Mrs. Gallo.

- That's a nice purse.

- Oh, it's yours.

Wow, she's good.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, all right, Ma.

I better go

and thank you for letting
me get this off my chest.

- I'm just sorry you
ever had to feel that bad.

- It's worth it to
feel this good.

- Thank you, Mrs. Gallo.

Whatever you said
meant the world to Jack.

- Jack?

I thought that was Eddie.

(audience laughs)

Jack's a bum.

Get back here, bum,
and I want that pen.

- Meet my friend Paulie.

He's in the mob.

Psst, psst, meet
my friend Paulie.

(whispers) He's in the mob.

(audience laughs)

- When am I gonna
meet Cindy Crawford?

(audience laughs)

- Psst, huh?

Meet my friend Paulie.

He's in the mob.

(audience laughs)

(Elliot laughs)