Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 4 - Finch Gets Dick - full transcript

Finch is forced to protect Adrienne from a suitor who is a lot like him.

(catchy guitar music)

- I just got off the phone
with Allie, she can't come

to your wedding reception.

- Wait, why not?

- I'm not sure, her
cell phone cut out.

I think her hot air balloon
went behind a mountain.

But I'll be there, gift in hand.

- Aww, Jack, just having you
at the ceremony was enough

of a present.

You can't put a dollar
amount on friendship.

- But you can on a
check, yeah buddy.

- No, I want to give
you guys the perfect gift.

After all, I'm famous for
finding the perfect gift.

- Okay well, we're
registered at...

- Ah, ah, ah, that
would be cheating,

so let's just
change the subject.

Say, have you ever looked
around your bathroom and thought,

this would be a great place
for a second refrigerator.

Not for everyone.

- So how'd it go in court?
- Guilty.

Can you believe it, a guy
dressed in a black robe

and brown loafers has the
nerve to tell me I'm indecent.

- Nina, you were caught
having sex in a glass elevator.

- What I do in public is
my own damn business.

- So what did they give you?

- 50 hours of community service.

But the joke's on them, most
of the garbage on the highway

is mine anyway.

- You know, I may volunteer
at this retirement home,

maybe they'd let you
do your time there.

- I don't know, I always
feel kind of creepy

around the elderly.

But not you, Jack, I feel
very comfortable around you.

- I didn't hear that.

- We should get
him a hearing aid.

- My god, this is so great.

Okay, so I'll see you tonight.

Okay, okay, big kiss, bye.

Honey, we have a
dinner guest tonight,

one of my closest
model friends is in town.

- Cool, Cindy, Frederique?

- Kyle.

- Yeah, I dig chicks
with guy names.

- Kyle's a guy.

- A male model.

- You have a problem with that?

- Not a problem, I do have
a bit of a scratchy throat.

I don't think I'm
up for company,

but I'm sure it won't
interfere with our sex life.

- Dennis, I hope
you're having one

of your weird jealous fits.

- Jealous, no way.

- Excuse me, ma'am, I
need someone to sign for this.

- No one's impressed by
your muscles, now beat it.

- Listen to you,
you're out of control.

- Right, I fend off a
grabby delivery guy,

and I'm the maniac?

- Dennis, I can't
stand jealousy.

It's the reason
Brian and I broke up,

and I don't want
it to happen to us.

- You're right, honey, I promise
to be on perfect behavior.

- Aww, that's my
little monkey man.

(audience laughter)

- I'm sure this guy will
be great, I'll love him.

- What's that all about?

- Some pretty boy's
coming over to nail my wife.

- That's great.

If she's busy, you can go
to the Knicks game with me.

- It's not funny.

- Finch, why are you
being so paranoid, huh?

- Why?

Look at me, look
at her, I can't help it.

Hey, do me a favor,
come over tonight

and keep me in check.

See, if I flip out and
this guy comes over,

she's gonna hate me.

- You'll be fine,
you don't need me.

- What am I supposed to
do, just sit there and watch

while this guy has
sex with my wife

on our dining room
table where we eat?

Where we eat.

- I'll bring the wine.

(upbeat funky music)

- See, now there's no
reason to feel uncomfortable.

Here, come say
hello to Mr. Neuthaler.

Nina, he won't bite.

- How could he, his
teeth are in that apple.

(audience laughter)

- Hi there, everyone, if it's
Tuesday, I must be Maya.

And I brought my friend, Nina,
she's going to be joining us

for this week's current
event wrap session.

- Hello, well,
don't you all look.

(audience laughter)

- The key is to keep
it up and cheerful.

Now, who's been following
the reign of terror in Bosnia?

Come on, people,
don't you remember?

We talked about this last week.

- The only thing I remember
is you were wearing a tank top.

- Okay, I'll get
the ball rolling.

What about the UN's policy
toward stabilizing the region?

- It was a cute little red
number with spaghetti straps.

(beeper beeping)

- Oh gosh, I gotta take this.

Will you take over
for me for a little bit?

I'll be right back.
- What?

- [Man In White Hat]
Where is it, in the wash?

(audience laughter)

- Well, I, Bosnia.

Bosnia, Bosnia, Bosnia.

Okay, who wants to
sign my court voucher?

- You still got
27 minutes to fill.

- Here, okay.

Oh, I know, I know.

Three sailors walk into a bar.

- Oh I heard this joke.

- It's not a joke, I'm telling
you about my weekend.

(audience laughter)

- Come on,
entertain us, damn it.

- Entertain you?

I don't know what you like,
I'm just getting to know you.

♪ Getting to know all about you

♪ Getting to like you

♪ Getting to help you like me

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Putting it my way but nicely

♪ You are precisely
my cup of tea

(upbeat music)

- Okay, dip, broccoli, crackers.

All right, what am I forgetting?

- Your wedding vows.

- What'd you say?

- Croutons?

- It didn't sound like croutons.

- As long as they
taste like them.

- Nice save.

You know, this Kyle guy
is just a friend of hers.

They're buddies, like
when Harry Met Sally.

- Harry slept with Sally.

- Really, I left early.

I mean, you know,
that makes sense.

I mean, who can keep
their hands off Meg Ryan,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm not helping, am I?

(audience laughter)

(doorbell rings)

- [Adrienne] I'm marinating
the chicken, can you get that?

- He may be perfect
looking, but I'm just

as good as he is.

- Partay in the hizzouse.

- Kyle?
- Adrienne.

Look at you, give me some.
- Oh, baby.

Dennis, this is Kyle.

- And Pepper.

- You're a model?

- A hand model, yes.

You might even recognize me.

The good hands people.

- Elliot, this guy's Kyle.

- I see that.

- This dude is Kyle.

- I get it, Finch.

Hey, Elliot DiMauro.
- Hey, nice to meet you.

- Have we ever worked together?

- Oh, I don't know, I mostly
work on the west coast.

For some reason, I get a
lot more hand jobs out there.

(audience laughter)

- Drinks, anybody for a drink?

- Oh, sea breeze.

- Good call, brother.


- Looks like your
little problem is solved,

and I've got a game to go to.

- That dude's Kyle.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

- He's a got a
little dog, I love it.

- Will you explain the
situation to Adrienne, okay?

Nice meeting you, goodbye.
- Bye.

- What did your friend
mean when he said

your problem was solved?

- Oh, it's just lately
Adrienne's been getting

on my case about
being jealous, you know.

When she told me her male
model friend was coming over,

the last thing I expected
was someone like,

- You?

Someone like you.
- Yeah.

- Well, you obviously
don't have anything

to worry about with me.

(audience laughter)

- Dude, it's not that funny.

- Where's Elliot?

- Oh, he took off.

- Well, that's rude.
- Yeah, that dude's a flake.

- It's so funny that you
both like sea breezes.

- I have a feeling we like
a lot of the same things.

(jazz scatting)
(cheerful piano music)

♪ All day long they chatter away

♪ All day long they're happy day

♪ They're singing and singing

♪ In a honky-tonky way hey

(upbeat music)

- Hey, where are you off to?

- The rest home, I'll be doing
a few numbers over lunch.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

Maybe I'll go with you
and when you're done

we can discuss this
article on nuclear waste

in the Ukraine.

- Yeah, you know, that
might be a little awkward.

I've put together a
tight 85-minute set.

- 85 minutes, I never
stay more than 30.

- Well, and if that's
all you're happy giving,

then you'll just
have to live with that.

No, these people need me.

I make them come
alive, I am their Evita.

Or at least, I will be for
three hours this Sunday.

- Kyle?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing here?

- Adrienne's shoot,
is it down this way?

- Down the hall.
- Oh, good.

- Hey, this is probably
all in my head,

but last night, it kind
of seemed like you were

hitting on Adrienne, am I crazy?

- No, no, not at all.

- Okay, good, because
I was, wait what?

- Oh yeah, I've been
trying to snag her for years,

but I could never get
past that goon, Brian.

You did that for
me, so thanks buddy.

- You son of a bitch.

- Ah, ah, ah, keep a lid on
that jealousy thing, or don't.

- Listen to me, you will
never get near her again.

- Come on, Kyle, let's get
you and Adrienne started.

- What you talking about?

- Oh, Kyle's in the shoot, he
came up with this great idea

for him and your wife.

- Now, where is she?

- Dennis, about your present.

I, in no way, want
to ruin the surprise,

but do you own a canoe?

- Jack, not now.

- You, my friend,
are dangerously close

to a gift certificate.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, honey, guess what,
I'm working with Kyle.

- Hi.

- Yeah, I know about Kyle.

- Oh honey, he told me how
well you guys were getting along.

I'm so proud of you.

- [Elliot] Okay
everyone, places.

- You're out of
your league, dude.

I can outthink you,
outplay you, and I will block

your every move.

- Well, listen to
me, chicken fingers.

Soon, Adrienne will be
in the palm of my hands.

(audience laughter)

- Kyle, your head
is in the frame.

- Oh, sorry.

(audience laughter)
(worrisome guitar music)

(upbeat music)

- Dennis, I'm glad you're here.

How would you and
Adrienne like lobsters

once a week, for life?

(audience laughter)

How do you like that chair?

- Jack, I need your advice.

It's about this guy, Kyle.

- I get it, Kyle is you.

- No, Kyle's another
guy, and he's trying

to sleep with Adrienne.

- Uh-huh, and Kyle is having
a little problem in the sack?

- I'm not Kyle.

- Okay, okay.

- This guy's got my wife
thinking he's a friend,

and I can't even warn
her because she'll think

I'm being jealous.

- You're jealous
because you're insecure.

- I am, and I shouldn't be.

- Yes, you should be,

because you've never
let her see the real you.

For God's sakes, she
thinks you were a marksman

in the Gulf War.

- Oh, tank commander
but I get your point.

- If there's any hope
for your marriage,

you have to be honest with her.

- There's gotta be another way.

- Honesty, Dennis, it's rule
one of a healthy marriage.

- Jack, your wife
is on the line,

she wants to know if you can
make lunch with your in-laws.

- Tell her I'm at the dentist.

It's a little game we play.

(audience laughter)

(funky music)

- Honey, what are
you doing home?

- I left work early so I
can help with the party.

- Oh, you're so sweet.

- I can't find the loofah.

- Kyle?

- Kyle, we decided I was
gonna take the first bath.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I just
can't seem to focus today.

- Oh, Kyle's gonna
stay with us for a while,

his doggie passed away.

- People put tennis balls
on the top of car antennas,

and they don't even
think twice about it.

- Aww.

- Your towel's slipping.

- Oh, so it is.

- You're welcome to stay
with us as long as you like.

- Well, I don't wanna
make Dennis uncomfortable.

- Uncomfortable, Dennis
tell him he's being silly.

- You're an ass.

- Thanks for understanding.

- Honey, let's get
away after the party.

Just you and me, we'll go
up to Vermont, pick apples,

play in the leaves and do it.

- What's that?

(gasps) Oh no, he must've
slipped and hit his head.

- Oh please.

- I don't think he's breathing.

- Give him a minute.
- There's no time.

- No, I'll do it.

No, you do it.

No, I'll do it.

- I'll call an ambulance.

That's it, keep
your lips tight on his,

loosen up his towel,
blow, Dennis, blow.

(audience laughter)

- Disgusting.

- I know your dog's not dead.

I'm eight chess
moves ahead of you.

- And yet I was just
seconds from having your wife

jam her tongue down my throat.

- Oh thank God, oh Kyle.

- Honey, I saved
him, I'm a hero.

- Oh, Dennis.

- I saw a bright light, I
think Pepper was there.

I miss you Pepper. (sobbing)

- Oh, sweetie.

- Pawn takes queen.

(audience laughter)

♪ Give my regards to Broadway

♪ And tell them
I'll be there long


Thank you.

That little number is
dedicated to the orderlies.

We put our lives in
their hands everyday.

Most of them never
even finished high school.

I'll be right back
with an all-star tribute

to WWII and who knows
who maybe dropping by.

Maybe even Mr. Jimmy Durante.

Ha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.

(audience laughter)

- Whoa, pretty good huh, right?

- It's not so much
good as a living hell.

- Is something wrong?

- She's been driving
us nuts all week.

- One song was fine, but
now she's gone berserk.

And what the heck is
a funky cold Medina?

- Either pull the
plug on her or on me.

- Can't we just stare
at the wall like used to?

- Yeah, stare at the wall.

- [All Seniors] Stare at
the wall, stare at the wall,

stare at the wall.

- Come on, people,
Nina is putting her heart

and soul into this.

And she's not that bad.

- Hit it, Knuckles.

♪ You're a grand old flag

♪ You're a high-flying flag

♪ And forever in
peace may you wave

♪ You're the emblem of

- I'll have a word with her.

(swanky guitar music)

- So, what'd you get them?

- I had a friend of
mine paint their portrait

from a photo I took.

- Damn, that's perfect,
how'd you come up with that?

- I just put a little
thought into it.

- What are you
saying, I'm a moron?

- No.

- Because if you were,
you could say that painting

was from both of us
and all would be forgiven.

- What do you mean they don't
want me to perform anymore?

- Well, it's just that they
found you a little overwhelming.

Plus, you ordered a
spotlight with no authorization.

(audience laughter)

- Sorry I'm late.

- Honey, you have
to check out the cake.

The bakery made the
most hilarious mistake.

- "To the happy couple,
Adrienne and Kyle."

- As if we were married,
can you even imagine?

Close your eyes and try.

- Ah, ha, that's rich.

Can I talk to you in
here for a minute, Kyle?

- What up?

- I got a present for you.

No salt, just Pepa.

- Pepper?

- Your supposedly dead dog.

I found him in your
grandma's backyard.

- How did you
know where to look?

- I asked myself, where would
I go with my darkest secret?

To the only woman I trust, Nana.

Adrienne, honey,
come on in here,

I'd like to show you something.

- No, well, you
leave me no choice.

(audience laughter)

- What the hell happened?

- He said I was
trying to steal you,

and then he hit me
with the toilet lid.

- No I didn't, he hit himself.

- Yeah right, I knew you
could be jealous, but violent?

God, you're just like Brian.

Let me put some ice on that.

I think we need to go lay down.

- Go away.

- Listen to me.

From day one, this guy
has done nothing but lie

and manipulate you
just to get you into bed.

- Okay, now you're
really being pathetic.

I mean, what makes
you think I'd fall

for something like that.

- Because you did with me.

Listen, I've lied to
you about everything.

I've lied since day one.

I was never in the Persian
Gulf, I'm not a long jump champ.

Maya's never been
in love with me.

- Thank you.
- There's more.

- I don't wanna hear it.

- Adrienne, please.

- I don't even know you.

- But you do know me, and I
think somebody needs a hug.


- Pepper?

What the hell?
- This isn't.

Oh, it is Pepper,
back from heaven.

- You both make me sick.

- So there is a Kyle.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I'll be gone soon, I'm
just clearing out my stuff.

That should do it.

(audience laughter)

- You know, I've
been walking around

trying to figure everything out.

What you've done
is unforgivable.

- I know.

- But we are married.

- I know, that's my fault too.

- I mean, we made a commitment
and despite everything,

there's something about
you that I love, I think.

- There is?

- But if there's any
chance of working this out,

I need to know the real
Dennis Eastwood Finch.

(audience laughter)

- Actually my middle
name is Quimby.

- Quimby?

- Yeah, it's Gaelic
for brave warrior.

No, it's not.

It's the name of my
mom's sewing machine.

- Dennis Quimby Finch.

All right, so from now
on, we hide nothing

from each other, okay?

- Okay.

- Promise?
- Promise.

By the way, it's my
sewing machine now.

(audience laughter)

(catchy guitar music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you