Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 22 - Finch on Ice - full transcript

- Dennis.

Ah, I see you also
appreciate a nice backyard.

(audience laughing)

- Jack don't.

- What just because
I'm married doesn't mean

I can't enjoy the view.

(audience laughing)

- You're the boss.

- Ah, yes come to daddy.

- Oh, morning Dad.

(audience laughing)

- You want me to
drive you uptown,

so you can hit on your mom?

(audience laughing)

("Just Shoot Me Theme")

- So, I decided
dyeing my hair was

the perfect way to do
research on an article

about how blondes
are treated differently.

I've already noticed a big
change in the way people...

Dad, I'm telling you my idea,

you're not even looking at me.

- Try turning around.

(audience laughing)

- Sorry pumpkin, it
sounds like a terrific article.

- Oh, you think so?

- Oh, I do it's
daring, and creative,

and the next time
you dye your hair,

put out a memo.

(audience laughing)

- What's with him?

- He's old.

- So, does Elliot
know about this?

- He hasn't seen it yet.

He's doing a shoot all
day at the Bronx Zoo.

- Oh, you know the rhino there
has a pet kitten named Rocky.

You learn a lot if
you rent the headset.

(audience laughing)

- Friends, clear your calendars.

Two nights from
tonight, the A&E network

is airing my biography.

- Oh, Nina that's great.

- Bottom of the barrel week
continues with Nina Van Horn.

(audience laughing)

- It's called comeback
week, you little hedgehog.

- Oo, you know the hedgehog
at the zoo is pregnant?

(whispers) Artificial

(audience laughing)

- Anyway, I'm going to
throw a fabulous party

here at the office,

and we'll drink champagne,
and we'll watch the...

Maya, you're blonde.

- Yes!

- Wow, and may
I say you look hot.

- Thank you, Nina.

That's so sweet.

Women are jealous, feel
threatened by new me.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Just think, an entire
TV show dedicated to me.

Just me.

Me, me, me.

It's really quite humbling.

(audience laughing)

- Calm down, they also
did one on Yosemite Sam.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Your family must
be very excited.

- Oh yes.

Everyone on the farm
is gonna be watching.

My Pa even hired the
slow boy from the feed store

to hold the antenna.

(audience laughing)

- Oh my god,

that was the lobby.

My old figure skating
partner is on her way up.

- Who?

- In high school, Nicole and
I were the most promising

skating team in the
Hudson Valley region.

Pure magic on ice.

We were gonna make people forget

they've even heard of
Cranston and Popowitz.


Of course, I had a secret no
one could've ever guessed.

- You were in love with her.

- I was in love with her.

(audience laughing)

Till one day, a freak
accident put an end to it all.


(audience laughing)

(lively music)

And she never spoke to me again.

- Hey.

- Can I help you, ma'am?

- Dad, it's me.

- Oh for the love
of god, put on a hat.

- Finch, there's a
woman here to see you.

(clicks and whistles)

- Oh my god, that's her.

What do I do?

- Listen to your head,

but don't be afraid
to follow your heart.

- Yeah, great.

This guy doesn't even
recognize his own daughter.

(audience laughing)

- Dennis?

- Nicole.

Hey, how are ya?

- Good. Good. You?

- Oh, I can't complain.

So, how did you
know where to find me?

- Your web page.

I loved the tribute to your cat.

- I thought he deserved
the proper e-burial.

(audience laughing)

- Anyway, I sort of
had a favor to ask.

It's about skating.

- You still compete?

- I'm training for the
over-30 mid-state amateurs.

- Oh wow.

- I know.

It's going to be tough.

That's why I came to
you, I need your help.

I want you to coach
me and Justin.

- What? Who's Justin?

- My skating partner.

See, the competition's
in two days,

and we're having problems.

- Coach you and another guy?

- Mm-hm.

Don't get me wrong.

Justin is great technically,

and he lifts me
like I weigh nothing.

- Well, I could've lifted you,

I just thought that
would pandering, yes.

- It would be pandering, I know.

(audience laughing)

What he's missing is the flare,

the passion that you always had.

I thought maybe you
could teach him that.

- Well, I can't.

I'm much too busy here.

(audience laughing)

- Well, if you won't
help, you won't.

It's just that I figured
you owed me one.

- I owe you?!

- That's right, or
don't you remember

fracturing my pelvis?!

- Hairline fracture! Hairline!

And I remember someone
throwing away years

of hard work because
of one little spill.

We were a team!

We were going places!

- You couldn't believe
we were going anywhere

after that trainwreck!

- Would I have bothered
designing and sewing

our costumes, if I didn't?

- Maybe.

Didn't you sew other
people's costumes, too?

- Oh, so now there's
something wrong with a kid

starting his own business.

(audience laughing)

- Maya?

- [Maya] In here.

How was the zoo shoot?

- It was useless.

None of the animals
would come out.

Except for one spider monkey,

who spent the afternoon
pleasing himself.

(audience laughing)

- [Maya] Oh baby,
you want a drink?

- No, just sleep.

I've got a swimwear shoot all
day tomorrow at the aquarium.

Oh god, too tired to move.

- Are you sure?

- But then again,
you snooze you lose.

Wow, that was great.

- Kind of fun with
the blonde hair, right?


- Yeah, it was like having
sex with a total stranger.

It was nice.

- Wait, were you
imagining I wasn't me?

- Well, yeah.

- Because of the hair?

- Well, yeah.

- Elliot!

- Maya, there's nothing wrong
with having a little fantasy.

It's healthy.

Especially, when two
people love each other.

- What was I?

Some tattooed floozy
in thigh-high boots

that you picked up at some bar?!

- No.

- Then what?

- A naked blonde stranger
having sex with me.

Men don't need
all that extra stuff.

(audience laughing)

- I have to say, I'm insulted.

- Didn't we just
have a great time?

- Yeah, but you were pretending
that I was someone else.

- If I fantasize, it
shows that I feel

at home enough with you
to forget about my inhibitions.

- Oh, and I suppose
in this sorted fantasy

I had some sort of slutty name.

- You didn't introduce yourself,

and I thought,

"Hey, I'm gettin'
some, why push it?"

- Oh!

(upbeat guitar music)

- Ow, ow!

Put me down.

- Then how am I
supposed to lift you?

- [Dennis] You don't lift her.

You allow her to fly.

- Dennis, you came!

Justin, this is the guy
who's gonna help us.

- Help us do what?

Find the Lucky Charms?

- Hey, if your boyfriend's
not cool with this,

I'll split.

- I'm not her boyfriend.

We're just skating partners.

- And we're very
grateful you came.

Aren't we?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Don't be grateful.

I didn't come here as a favor.

It was the call of the ice.

(audience laughing)

The smooth, sweet, silky ice.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Nina, check it out.

I got this to watch
your biography in style.

It's the biggest, most advanced,

flat screen television, ever.

It's got instant replay,

picture in picture,

and it only weighs 12 pounds.

12 pounds.


What, are you jealous?

(audience laughing)

- No, it's about Ed McMahon.

- Nina, when will you learn?

They never leave their wives.

(audience laughing)

- No, it's nothing like that.

My friend at A&E just called,

and apparently Ed
pushed an old woman

out of the way of
a speeding cab,

and ended up
getting hit himself.

An ambulance just
took him to the hospital.

- That's horrible,

but I don't quite see how...

- If he dies, A&E is
going to air his biography

instead of scheduled

And the scheduled
programming is me.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, that's terrible,

but I'm sure wherever
Ed's family is,

their prayers are with you.

(audience laughing)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How was the aquarium?

- Oh, they threw us out.

Apparently, my flash
enraged the giant squid.

(audience laughing)

Still mad about last night?

- Well, actually I've
given it a lot of thought,

and here.

- What's this?

- A security guard uniform.

I was hoping you'd put it on.

(audience laughing)

- Ha, ha, ha, I get it.

You're teaching me a lesson.

You're giving me a
taste of my own medicine.

- No, it's not like that.

See, I know that last night
I was being close-minded,

or as my therapist said,
I had my judge's robe on.

(audience laughing)

I realized that you were just
exploring a healthy fantasy,

and now I know that it's
safe for me to explore mine.

- Really?

- Yeah, so...

You in?

- Are you kidding?
This is great.

- Okay, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's like this.

You're walking your
beat, and you see me

a bookish co-ed with
an untapped wild side.

(audience laughing)

And you, security officer Ken,

think I've just shoplifted.

Of course I didn't, but you
have to search me anyway.

- I'm here to please.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Get dressed, get dressed.

- Officer Ken it is.

What's this?

- The thing you think I stole.

- Toothpaste?

- Well, we needed some anyway.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat guitar music)

- See that Justin?

Do you see that?!

You see how Randy's
eyes never leave Tai

while she's in the air?

He's using his eyes
to guide her to safety.

That's skating.


(audience laughing)

- I've been watching
tapes all day.

I'm sick of this!

- Sit your ass down, fella!

No one dismissed

All right, take five, cool off.

(audience laughing)

- Dennis, will we
ever get there?

- You're already there.

You always were.

From the first day
I laid eyes on you.

- Oh, you are so sweet.

I'm gonna owe you big
time, if we win this thing.

- Maybe in a way,
we've already won.

- Hi, hi!

Dennis, how does your
little friend like the TV?

Have you ever seen such clarity?

- Actually, my parents
just bought one...

- Well, this one's better.

Now, fasten your
seat belts while

I demonstrate the
surround around sound.

(audience laughing)

- Jack, I need to
take the afternoon off

to go to the hospital.

- Get well soon.

- No, to find out Ed
McMahon's condition.

I keep calling the hospital,

but they won't tell me anything.

- You'll be back on
your feet in no time.

(audience laughing)

Okay, it's gonna sound
like crickets are everywhere.

Don't panic.

(crickets chirping)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, no problem.

- Hey, nice uniform.

- Oh, thanks.

- Yeah, you know, I did a little

security work myself recently.

- I'm Elliot.

- I'm Ken.

- Security Officer Ken?

- I thought we agreed fantasies
were healthy and desirable.

- Yes, when it's about an
anonymous made-up someone else,

not a specific someone
else who is six foot two,

and works in the lobby.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, so now you get to
decide what's in my fantasies?

- I'm not saying that.

You can fantasize about
any imaginary stranger.

- And that's it?

- No, you can also
make me a composite

of really famous
people that you have

no chance of ever meeting.

- Oh, Elliot.

You're being silly.

- Oh, am I?

Fine, then back at ya.

Tonight, you're Nina.

That's right, tonight
I'll be getting in bed

with Maya Gallo, but I'll be
making love to Nina Van Horn.

And after that, it's
Meg from accounting,

and after that, the Jamaican
girl who delivers the toner.

So, who's next for you, Maya?

The sky's the limit.

- I'll just stick with Ken.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Mr. McMahon?

Ed, can you hear me?

(audience laughing)

Dear God, I know that
it would be selfish of me

to ask for this man to live,

but if you could just
allow him to linger

until nine o'clock tonight.

Eight o'clock central.

(audience laughing)

I would be forever grateful.

Hail Mary, the Holy
Ghost, David and Goliath,

and all the rest of them, amen.

(audience laughing)

- You buzzed, Mr. McMahon?

- Get this religious
freak out of here!

I'm trying to get some sleep.

- Oh my god, I've brought
him out of his coma.

- Coma?!

You told me it was a concussion!

What year is this?

Are my kids still alive?

- Just calm down, Mr. McMahon.

- Did Johnny send flowers?

Are those his?!

- [Nurse] You. Out.

- Feel better, Ed.

- Who is that woman?!

- Oh, tune in
tonight and find out!

(audience laughing)

- Can I talk to you?

- I'm busy.

- You're eating pudding?

- Yes, but I'm
fantasizing it's Jello.

- Please.

Well, I think you've
suffered long enough.

- What do you mean?

- All that Ken stuff,
I didn't mean it.

I just wanted to teach a lesson.

- I knew it.

I knew it was a put-on.

- I wanted to get back at
you for that blonde bimbo stuff,

and it worked.

- Ken. Ken.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not into anybody but you.

- Same here,
sweetie, completely.

Of course, there are other ways

to keep our sex life exciting.

- Such as?

- Oh, I don't know.

Such as making love some
place risky and dangerous.

- What, right here?

- Yeah, right here, right now.

- Yeah, but it's the
middle of the day,

and there are people
right outside the door.

Like co-workers,
and delivery persons.

- And Ken, the security guard.

- Take me.

- [Elliot] Oh yeah.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Okay, I'm here.

Now, remember
cowboy, Pocahontas,

forbidden love.

(audience laughing)

Why aren't you in your costume?

- I twisted my ankle.

- What?!

- Can you get me an ice pack?

- Sure.

- How did this happen?

- It was during warm-ups.

We were working
on our triple axels,

and then, we were about
to try them side by side.

- [Dennis Voiceover]
She's so perfect.

She's got the body
of Britney Spears,

and the wisdom of Princess Leia.

I should just take her in
my arms and comfort her,

and finally tell her how I feel.

- And then, I twisted
my stupid ankle!

Can you believe it?

- Listen, Nicole...

- Dennis, can I be
really open with you?

- Of course you can.

(audience laughing)

- I'm in love with Justin.

- Who's Justin?

Oh, that guy?

You're in love with him?!

- He doesn't know, but
do you have any idea

what it's like to be in love
with someone for so long,

and not be able to tell them?

Do you?

- I'm afraid I don't.

(audience laughing)

- This competition
means so much to him.

It'd just kill me if I cost him
his chance at glory tonight.

- Well, what can I get you?

Painkillers, a cortisone shot?

- That won't work.

- Well, what will work?

What do you need?
I'll do anything.

Remember, desire, joy, passion.

And adjust for me weighing
10 pounds less than her.

(audience laughing)

("Keep On Loving You"
by REO Speedwagon)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(crowd clapping)

(audience laughing)

I know it's not customary for
honorable mention to speak,

but I wanna dedicate
this performance

to a very special little lady
who's out there right now...

- [Announcer] It is now a
block free skate free skate.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat organ music)

(upbeat organ music)