Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 21 - When Nina Met Her Parents - full transcript

- Oh shoot.

- Something amiss, my lady?

- It's all out of water.

- Not a problem.



(both laugh)

This one's full.

(audience laughs loudly)


There's better water
right here in the fridge.

Damn thing sticks sometimes.

There it goes.

Can I open that for you?

- I doubt it.

(upbeat bass music)

- And I honestly believe the
readers of Blush are willing,

even eager to help fight for
our endangered coral reefs.

Many different species...

- [Announcer] Jack Gallo
at the plate hitting 292.

(audience laughs)

Micah throws, Gallo swings.

It's a long run.
(audience cheers)

The Giants win the pennant,
the Giants win the pennant!

- The toxic runoff and
chemical pesticides have eroded

what was once one of our
most precious resources.

Few people...

- [Elliot Voiceover] I
know the doctor said

not to get my hopes up,

but I do feel a little
tingling on my scalp.

(audience laughs)

- So, you may ask, "What
can the average citizen do?"

I say plenty.

- [Dennis Voiceover] If it
was an absolute emergency,

I know I could get
that fridge door open.

Still, maybe I should
start working out.

Yeah, I wonder if Elliot's
gym offers jazzercise.

(audience laughs)

- So, if we all volunteer
for a clean-up weekend.

Excuse me?


What is it that you're
daydreaming about

that's so much more
important than what I'm saying?

- My biological
parents have found me

and will be here
in half an hour.

Excuse me.

- [Elliot, Dennis Voiceover]
Please don't start again.

(audience laughs)
- Please don't start again.

- [Elliot Voiceover]
Please, please,

please don't start again.
- Please don't start again.

- Maybe I should go after her.

- Yes.
- Yes, yes.

- Why don't you go...
- See if she's okay.

- Yeah. (bass jingle)

(bass music)

- Hey.

We're all a little
worried about you,

how are you doing?

- They found me
over the internet.

Can you believe it?

I mean, they just
called out of nowhere.

- And they're actually
coming here to the office?

- All the way from
Twin Wells, Oklahoma.

(audience laughs)

- And you sound disappointed.

- Well, they sound
like backwater hicks.

Well I'm sorry, but you know,

when I was a little
girl on the farm

I always fantasized that
my birth parents were,

you know, movie stars
or wealthy jet-setters.

At least people who
didn't smell like hogs.

(audience laughs)

- Hm, it's funny.

Before I understood
what my dad did

I used to pretend that
he was a blacksmith,

hammering horseshoes
and working at a hot forge.

- Oh, but instead
he's a millionaire,

well boo-hoo for you
and now back to me.

- Look, you're a little
emotional right now,

- Don't get me wrong, Maya.

I loved my adoptive parents,

I mean, they fed me
and they raised me

and they learned me to read.

(audience laughs)


- [Nina's Mother] Hello!

- Oh my God.

Okay, if one of them is
holding a pig, you're me.

- Ms Van Horn?

- [Nina] Yes?

- Hello.

- Hello.

Oh, how rude of me.

This is, uh, (clicks fingers)

I'm drawing a blank.

- Nina.

No, I'm not kidding,

I wanna say Karen,
but I... (audience laughs)

- Oh, I'm Maya Gallo,

and I really should be going.

- No no, Karen, stay.

- So, I'm Doctor Les Drake

and this is my wife, Libby.

- Hello.

- Doctor, do they call you that

because you're an actual doctor,

or because you wear rubber
gloves when you do the milking?

(Libby laughs)

- No, I've practiced medicine
for over 40 years now.

- And I teach art
at the local college.

- You're not cousins, are you?

(audience laughs)
- Oh no, of course not.

Oh, look at you.

To think all these years

I have taken fashion
advice from Nina Van Horn,

and now it turns out
she's my own daughter.

- Well, now, Libby, now,
we're not 100% sure,

we still need her
to take a blood test.

I don't want to sound paranoid,

but, well, we don't
want to get our hopes up.

- I understand.

- Plus, not to be crass,
but there are certain assets.

- Assets?

- Yes, well, in addition
to Les's practice

there is some oil money.

- Oil as in vroom
vroom, make the cars go?

(audience laughs)

- As in, vroom vroom,

let's quit the practice
and play some golf.

- Can't keep him off that
course since he built it.

(audience laughs)

- Well anyway, you must
have a lot of tough questions,

like why we gave you up

and why we waited
so long to find you.

- Can I have a pony?

(bass jingle)

- Man, pumping iron is hard.

Really hard.

How long do you think it'll be

before I put weights on the bar?

(audience laughs)

- When you can lift your
gym bag with one arm.

This is the best part, man.

Is this living or what?

- That's a decision his
family will have to make.


Is it hot in here
or is it just me?

- [Dennis] Ah, yeah.

(audience laughs and applauds)

(bass jingle)

- Something you need?

- Jack,

would you describe
yourself as a fan of nature?

(audience laughs hesitantly)

- Sure.

As a boy I took a lot of hikes.

- Ah, lot of hikes.

Good, that's good.

So, on one of those hikes,

did you ever see
something in nature

that just didn't quite fit?

(audience laughs)

- Yes.

I once saw an owl, and I
swear to God it smiled at me.

- Sure.

But I'm talking more...

I don't know, like,

like a really skinny tree

with branches that are
way too big for its trunk.

(bass jingle)

(audience laughs
loudly and applauds)

(bass jingle)

- Nina.

What are you doing?

- Waiting for my
blood test results.

They're sending me a fax.

- That's my humidifier.

And my fax machine
is over there.

- (gasps) Oh my God.

It's here. (gasps)

You know this piece of paper

could change
the rest of my life?

Maya, you read it.

- It's negative.

- How negative?

(audience laughs)

- Nina, this means
they're not your parents.

Are you okay?

- (stammering) They
have to be my parents,

I mean, they're everything I
ever dreamed they would be,

they're fun and witty
and sophisticated.

I mean, sure she could use
a makeover, but so could you.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, here you are.

Libby, they're
in Carol's office.

- You mean Karen, and it's Maya.

- Maya.

- I'm here for you.

- Please excuse us.

- Oh, okay.

(audience laughs)

- Listen, we need to talk.

- But first, we don't
want to jinx anything,

but we bought you a present.

It's something that we
bought a long time ago

when we first started
searching for our daughter.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

- There's an inscription.

- "Rattle when you need us."

I don't know what to say.

- So, well, I'm
almost afraid to ask.

Do you have the
blood test results?


- I'm your little girl.

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

(bass jingle)

- Hey.

- Mm hm?

- So listen, I was thinking
maybe sushi tonight.

- Yeah, sure.

- Hey Maya,

you want me to
water your plants?

(audience laughs loudly)

- Yeah, thanks Finch,
it's been forever.

- I'm your man.

- No, I'm her man.

(audience laughs)

I'll water her plant.

- Fine.

But you'll see it's no fun
lugging this thing around.

- What the hell was that about?

- Maya, be honest.

I make you happy, don't I?

- Of course, what
are you talking about?

- So you're fine,
you're fulfilled?

- Elliot, what's wrong with you?

- Just answer
the question, Allie,

do I make you happy?

(audience laughs)

- So, you're completely
satisfied with everything?

- Yes.

- What do you like most?

- Oh, I don't know, I
guess it's the little things.

(audience laughs loudly)

Oh, you poor thing,
Nina how did it go?

Were they crushed
when you told them?

- Crushed?

"Crushed" isn't the right
word, nor is "told them."

- What are you talking about?

- Well, I may have
fudged the truth a little

on the blood test.


- Nina, I know you're
fulfilling some fantasy

about having rich
successful parents,

but lying to them is wrong.

- Well, that's one
way to look at it.

(audience laughs)

- What's another?

- Well, Les and Libby have
been looking for their daughter

for a very long time.

They want to make me happy,
I want to make them happy,

what's the crime?

- Fraud, theft.

- Oh, you are one to talk.

You're gonna inherit
tons from your dad.

- But he is my dad!

- Oh, is he, Maya?

At least I've had a blood test.

(audience laughs)

(bass jingle)

- All I'm saying is if the
cold air makes it smaller

maybe the hot air in
the sauna makes it...

- We're not gonna
talk about this anymore.

- Here you go guys,
two regular lattes.


And mine.

(audience laughs)

- What the hell is that?

- They call it a cafe grande.

- Oh, that's it.

You wanna see grande?

Here's five grande.

And there's a lot more
where that came from, pal.

- Punch me right here,
as hard as you can.

Come on.

(audience laughs)

- Did I get the wrong
coffee for you guys?

- Don't play innocent.

We've both gotten a look
at his majesty, the king.

- You guys are freaking me out.

- Do you really not know
what we're talking about?

- No.

(audience laughs)

(bass jingle)


I guess that would explain
some of my back problems.

- Finch, how could you not know?

Didn't you take
gym in high school?

- I was excused 'cause
I have brittle bones.

(audience laughs)

- So, you've never compared
yourself to other men?

- No.

I mean, only guys
in porno movies.

(audience laughs)

I just figured I was a
little bigger than average.

- You son of a bitch.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Didn't your ex-wife
ever comment?

- Yeah, but isn't that what
wives are supposed to say?

- Yeah, but sometimes they
say it with a hint of sarcasm

that makes you feel like...

(audience laughs)

Never mind.

- Well, well, well.

(audience laughs)

- Stop gloating, alright,
it doesn't mean anything.

- I know, it doesn't.

I'm still just Dennis
Finch, regular guy.

(triumphant music)

(bass jingle)

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

- My fault.

- Hey, you're Nina's folks, huh?

- That's right.

- So how do you like New York?

- Oh, we love it
every time we come.

- I never get used to how
tall those skyscrapers are.

- Of course, you know,

it's not the size of the
building that matters.

(audience laughs)

- Then what is it?

- I wish I knew.

- Have a nice day.

(speaking French)

- My stars.

Can you make it there?


- Oh my God, what happened?

- We were mugged, right in
the middle of Central Park.

- Oh, Daddy, are you alright?

- Yes, a little
shaken up is all.

- Should we get you
into an emergency room?

- No no, I'll be alright.

- I'll get some ice.


- This is terrible,

and it came at the
worst possible time.

- What do you mean?

- Well, we got some bad
news about your grandma Ruby.

- I have a grandma Ruby?

- For now.

She's taken a
turn for the worst,

she could go at any time,

so we chartered a jet
so we could all fly back

to Twin Wells
and be at her side.

- So, what's the problem?

- We need money for the charter,

and the muggers cleaned us out.

Credit cards, ID, everything.

- We could get a
cash wire tomorrow,

but then it could be too late.

I'm sorry Mama, I
wanted to be there.

(audience laughs)

- I could give you a loan,
how much do you need?

- $20,000.

- Goodness, that's
a lot of money.

- It is?

- Well, to her it is.

- Oh yeah, alright,
alright. (audience laughs)

Poor Grandma,
last thing she told me

was how she wanted to meet you.

- You see I'm, well,

I've gotten a little behind
on my credit cards this year.

- Passed down to you
her diamond pendant.

- Diamond?

- Yes, it's called
the Star of Persia.

- More like the
Football of Persia

(audience laughs)

because of its
tremendous size...



Oh well, she will
just be buried with it.

- Oh, the hell she will,
I'll get you the money.

- Oh, no, we couldn't
possibly let you.

- No, I insist.

- Absolutely not.

- Look, you're taking my money

and that's all there is to it.

- Alright, let's
get to the bank.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, I thought
you were at a shoot.

- I forgot my wide-angle lens.

What's the ice pack for?

- Oh, it's awful,

Les and Libby were
attacked in Central Park.

- No they weren't.

- Of course,

of course they
were, look at him.

- No, I just saw them
two minutes ago,

whatever happened to them

happened between
the lobby and here.

(bass jingle)

- (gasps) Oh my
God. (audience laughs)



- Just a thought,

wouldn't it be easier to
take a commercial airline?

- Well, the problem is
we'd have to fly to Tulsa

and rent a car, and
it's a six-hour drive.

- And it would be too late.

(audience laughs)

- Someone needs some Valium.

- Nina, thank
you for everything.

You are so kind,
and good, and...

- Decent, and pretty.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I just can't do this.

- Sorry?

- I've just been
a very bad girl.

- Sorry?

- Oh, Les,

Libby, I...

I'm not your real daughter.

- What?

Sure you are, you belong to us.

I mean, until we die and you
get all the money, remember?

(audience laughs)

- See, I...

I wanted you to be my
parents so badly that I...

I lied about the
blood test, and...

Your daughter is still
out there somewhere,

and this belongs to her.

- Look, baby girl.

You are just hysterical.

Now don't make me
snap you unconscious.

(audience laughs)
- No, go ahead, I deserve it.

What I did was wrong.

Well, the whole thing
ends right here, that's it.

- Of course, you're good people,

so I will lend you the money.

(audience laughs)

- Sweet.

(elevator stalls)

- [Maya] Nina, can you hear me?

- Maya, you're the elevator DJ?

- Listen to me.

Les and Libby are frauds.

Do not give them any money.

They're conning you.

I'm gonna need
police backup for this.

Roll, roll!

(audience laughs)

- Shame on you Maya, you
could not be more wrong about this.

(bass jingle)

- Hey, we meet again.

So, wanna go hit
the town tonight?

- I've got plans.

- You might wanna
change 'em. (laughs)

- Oh, and why is that?

- Well, let's just say
I put my pants on

three legs at a time.

(audience laughs)

- What are you talking about?

- I'm saying why
settle for a ukulele

when you can play the cello?

- Are you having some
sort of a breakdown?

- You know what, you're right.

I'm not making sense.

Perhaps there's not
enough blood in my brain

because it's all in my
ridiculously large penis.

(audience gasps and laughs)

- Listen, if you ever
speak to me again,

I'll have you arrested.

(audience laughs)

- Poor Dennis.

It's a story as old as time.

Great product, lousy
sales department.

- Is that the sun breaking
through the clouds, Jack?

- I believe it is, Elliot.

I believe it is.

(audience laughs)

(bass jingle)

("Life Keeps Bringin' Me
Back To You" by Lauren Wood)

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you