Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 21 - When Nina Met Her Parents - full transcript
- Oh shoot.
- Something amiss, my lady?
- It's all out of water.
- Not a problem.
(chuckles)
Boop.
(both laugh)
This one's full.
(audience laughs loudly)
God!
There's better water
right here in the fridge.
Damn thing sticks sometimes.
There it goes.
Can I open that for you?
- I doubt it.
(upbeat bass music)
- And I honestly believe the
readers of Blush are willing,
even eager to help fight for
our endangered coral reefs.
Many different species...
- [Announcer] Jack Gallo
at the plate hitting 292.
(audience laughs)
Micah throws, Gallo swings.
It's a long run.
(audience cheers)
The Giants win the pennant,
the Giants win the pennant!
- The toxic runoff and
chemical pesticides have eroded
what was once one of our
most precious resources.
Few people...
- [Elliot Voiceover] I
know the doctor said
not to get my hopes up,
but I do feel a little
tingling on my scalp.
(audience laughs)
- So, you may ask, "What
can the average citizen do?"
I say plenty.
- [Dennis Voiceover] If it
was an absolute emergency,
I know I could get
that fridge door open.
Still, maybe I should
start working out.
Yeah, I wonder if Elliot's
gym offers jazzercise.
(audience laughs)
- So, if we all volunteer
for a clean-up weekend.
Excuse me?
Nina?
What is it that you're
daydreaming about
that's so much more
important than what I'm saying?
- My biological
parents have found me
and will be here
in half an hour.
Excuse me.
- [Elliot, Dennis Voiceover]
Please don't start again.
(audience laughs)
- Please don't start again.
- [Elliot Voiceover]
Please, please,
please don't start again.
- Please don't start again.
- Maybe I should go after her.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes.
- Why don't you go...
- See if she's okay.
- Yeah. (bass jingle)
(bass music)
- Hey.
We're all a little
worried about you,
how are you doing?
- They found me
over the internet.
Can you believe it?
I mean, they just
called out of nowhere.
- And they're actually
coming here to the office?
- All the way from
Twin Wells, Oklahoma.
(audience laughs)
- And you sound disappointed.
- Well, they sound
like backwater hicks.
Well I'm sorry, but you know,
when I was a little
girl on the farm
I always fantasized that
my birth parents were,
you know, movie stars
or wealthy jet-setters.
At least people who
didn't smell like hogs.
(audience laughs)
- Hm, it's funny.
Before I understood
what my dad did
I used to pretend that
he was a blacksmith,
hammering horseshoes
and working at a hot forge.
- Oh, but instead
he's a millionaire,
well boo-hoo for you
and now back to me.
- Look, you're a little
emotional right now,
- Don't get me wrong, Maya.
I loved my adoptive parents,
I mean, they fed me
and they raised me
and they learned me to read.
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
- [Nina's Mother] Hello!
- Oh my God.
Okay, if one of them is
holding a pig, you're me.
- Ms Van Horn?
- [Nina] Yes?
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, how rude of me.
This is, uh, (clicks fingers)
I'm drawing a blank.
- Nina.
No, I'm not kidding,
I wanna say Karen,
but I... (audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm Maya Gallo,
and I really should be going.
- No no, Karen, stay.
- So, I'm Doctor Les Drake
and this is my wife, Libby.
- Hello.
- Doctor, do they call you that
because you're an actual doctor,
or because you wear rubber
gloves when you do the milking?
(Libby laughs)
- No, I've practiced medicine
for over 40 years now.
- And I teach art
at the local college.
- You're not cousins, are you?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, of course not.
Oh, look at you.
To think all these years
I have taken fashion
advice from Nina Van Horn,
and now it turns out
she's my own daughter.
- Well, now, Libby, now,
we're not 100% sure,
we still need her
to take a blood test.
I don't want to sound paranoid,
but, well, we don't
want to get our hopes up.
- I understand.
- Plus, not to be crass,
but there are certain assets.
- Assets?
- Yes, well, in addition
to Les's practice
there is some oil money.
- Oil as in vroom
vroom, make the cars go?
(audience laughs)
- As in, vroom vroom,
let's quit the practice
and play some golf.
- Can't keep him off that
course since he built it.
(audience laughs)
- Well anyway, you must
have a lot of tough questions,
like why we gave you up
and why we waited
so long to find you.
- Can I have a pony?
(bass jingle)
- Man, pumping iron is hard.
Really hard.
How long do you think it'll be
before I put weights on the bar?
(audience laughs)
- When you can lift your
gym bag with one arm.
This is the best part, man.
Is this living or what?
- That's a decision his
family will have to make.
(grunts)
Is it hot in here
or is it just me?
- [Dennis] Ah, yeah.
(audience laughs and applauds)
(bass jingle)
- Something you need?
- Jack,
would you describe
yourself as a fan of nature?
(audience laughs hesitantly)
- Sure.
As a boy I took a lot of hikes.
- Ah, lot of hikes.
Good, that's good.
So, on one of those hikes,
did you ever see
something in nature
that just didn't quite fit?
(audience laughs)
- Yes.
I once saw an owl, and I
swear to God it smiled at me.
- Sure.
But I'm talking more...
I don't know, like,
like a really skinny tree
with branches that are
way too big for its trunk.
(bass jingle)
(audience laughs
loudly and applauds)
(bass jingle)
- Nina.
What are you doing?
- Waiting for my
blood test results.
They're sending me a fax.
- That's my humidifier.
And my fax machine
is over there.
- (gasps) Oh my God.
It's here. (gasps)
You know this piece of paper
could change
the rest of my life?
Maya, you read it.
- It's negative.
- How negative?
(audience laughs)
- Nina, this means
they're not your parents.
Are you okay?
- (stammering) They
have to be my parents,
I mean, they're everything I
ever dreamed they would be,
they're fun and witty
and sophisticated.
I mean, sure she could use
a makeover, but so could you.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, here you are.
Libby, they're
in Carol's office.
- You mean Karen, and it's Maya.
- Maya.
- I'm here for you.
- Please excuse us.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, we need to talk.
- But first, we don't
want to jinx anything,
but we bought you a present.
It's something that we
bought a long time ago
when we first started
searching for our daughter.
(jingling)
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- There's an inscription.
- "Rattle when you need us."
I don't know what to say.
- So, well, I'm
almost afraid to ask.
Do you have the
blood test results?
And?
- I'm your little girl.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
- Hey.
- Mm hm?
- So listen, I was thinking
maybe sushi tonight.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey Maya,
you want me to
water your plants?
(audience laughs loudly)
- Yeah, thanks Finch,
it's been forever.
- I'm your man.
- No, I'm her man.
(audience laughs)
I'll water her plant.
- Fine.
But you'll see it's no fun
lugging this thing around.
- What the hell was that about?
- Maya, be honest.
I make you happy, don't I?
- Of course, what
are you talking about?
- So you're fine,
you're fulfilled?
- Elliot, what's wrong with you?
- Just answer
the question, Allie,
do I make you happy?
(audience laughs)
- So, you're completely
satisfied with everything?
- Yes.
- What do you like most?
- Oh, I don't know, I
guess it's the little things.
(audience laughs loudly)
Oh, you poor thing,
Nina how did it go?
Were they crushed
when you told them?
- Crushed?
"Crushed" isn't the right
word, nor is "told them."
- What are you talking about?
- Well, I may have
fudged the truth a little
on the blood test.
(groans)
- Nina, I know you're
fulfilling some fantasy
about having rich
successful parents,
but lying to them is wrong.
- Well, that's one
way to look at it.
(audience laughs)
- What's another?
- Well, Les and Libby have
been looking for their daughter
for a very long time.
They want to make me happy,
I want to make them happy,
what's the crime?
- Fraud, theft.
- Oh, you are one to talk.
You're gonna inherit
tons from your dad.
- But he is my dad!
- Oh, is he, Maya?
At least I've had a blood test.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
- All I'm saying is if the
cold air makes it smaller
maybe the hot air in
the sauna makes it...
- We're not gonna
talk about this anymore.
- Here you go guys,
two regular lattes.
Alright.
And mine.
(audience laughs)
- What the hell is that?
- They call it a cafe grande.
- Oh, that's it.
You wanna see grande?
Here's five grande.
And there's a lot more
where that came from, pal.
- Punch me right here,
as hard as you can.
Come on.
(audience laughs)
- Did I get the wrong
coffee for you guys?
- Don't play innocent.
We've both gotten a look
at his majesty, the king.
- You guys are freaking me out.
- Do you really not know
what we're talking about?
- No.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
Really?
I guess that would explain
some of my back problems.
- Finch, how could you not know?
Didn't you take
gym in high school?
- I was excused 'cause
I have brittle bones.
(audience laughs)
- So, you've never compared
yourself to other men?
- No.
I mean, only guys
in porno movies.
(audience laughs)
I just figured I was a
little bigger than average.
- You son of a bitch.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Didn't your ex-wife
ever comment?
- Yeah, but isn't that what
wives are supposed to say?
- Yeah, but sometimes they
say it with a hint of sarcasm
that makes you feel like...
(audience laughs)
Never mind.
- Well, well, well.
(audience laughs)
- Stop gloating, alright,
it doesn't mean anything.
- I know, it doesn't.
I'm still just Dennis
Finch, regular guy.
(triumphant music)
(bass jingle)
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- My fault.
- Hey, you're Nina's folks, huh?
- That's right.
- So how do you like New York?
- Oh, we love it
every time we come.
- I never get used to how
tall those skyscrapers are.
- Of course, you know,
it's not the size of the
building that matters.
(audience laughs)
- Then what is it?
- I wish I knew.
- Have a nice day.
(speaking French)
- My stars.
Can you make it there?
(grunts)
- Oh my God, what happened?
- We were mugged, right in
the middle of Central Park.
- Oh, Daddy, are you alright?
- Yes, a little
shaken up is all.
- Should we get you
into an emergency room?
- No no, I'll be alright.
- I'll get some ice.
(grunts)
- This is terrible,
and it came at the
worst possible time.
- What do you mean?
- Well, we got some bad
news about your grandma Ruby.
- I have a grandma Ruby?
- For now.
She's taken a
turn for the worst,
she could go at any time,
so we chartered a jet
so we could all fly back
to Twin Wells
and be at her side.
- So, what's the problem?
- We need money for the charter,
and the muggers cleaned us out.
Credit cards, ID, everything.
- We could get a
cash wire tomorrow,
but then it could be too late.
I'm sorry Mama, I
wanted to be there.
(audience laughs)
- I could give you a loan,
how much do you need?
- $20,000.
- Goodness, that's
a lot of money.
- It is?
- Well, to her it is.
- Oh yeah, alright,
alright. (audience laughs)
Poor Grandma,
last thing she told me
was how she wanted to meet you.
- You see I'm, well,
I've gotten a little behind
on my credit cards this year.
- Passed down to you
her diamond pendant.
- Diamond?
- Yes, it's called
the Star of Persia.
- More like the
Football of Persia
(audience laughs)
because of its
tremendous size...
Weight...
Value.
Oh well, she will
just be buried with it.
- Oh, the hell she will,
I'll get you the money.
- Oh, no, we couldn't
possibly let you.
- No, I insist.
- Absolutely not.
- Look, you're taking my money
and that's all there is to it.
- Alright, let's
get to the bank.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I thought
you were at a shoot.
- I forgot my wide-angle lens.
What's the ice pack for?
- Oh, it's awful,
Les and Libby were
attacked in Central Park.
- No they weren't.
- Of course,
of course they
were, look at him.
- No, I just saw them
two minutes ago,
whatever happened to them
happened between
the lobby and here.
(bass jingle)
- (gasps) Oh my
God. (audience laughs)
Oh!
(sighs)
- Just a thought,
wouldn't it be easier to
take a commercial airline?
- Well, the problem is
we'd have to fly to Tulsa
and rent a car, and
it's a six-hour drive.
- And it would be too late.
(audience laughs)
- Someone needs some Valium.
- Nina, thank
you for everything.
You are so kind,
and good, and...
- Decent, and pretty.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I just can't do this.
- Sorry?
- I've just been
a very bad girl.
- Sorry?
- Oh, Les,
Libby, I...
I'm not your real daughter.
- What?
Sure you are, you belong to us.
I mean, until we die and you
get all the money, remember?
(audience laughs)
- See, I...
I wanted you to be my
parents so badly that I...
I lied about the
blood test, and...
Your daughter is still
out there somewhere,
and this belongs to her.
- Look, baby girl.
You are just hysterical.
Now don't make me
snap you unconscious.
(audience laughs)
- No, go ahead, I deserve it.
What I did was wrong.
Well, the whole thing
ends right here, that's it.
- Of course, you're good people,
so I will lend you the money.
(audience laughs)
- Sweet.
(elevator stalls)
- [Maya] Nina, can you hear me?
- Maya, you're the elevator DJ?
- Listen to me.
Les and Libby are frauds.
Do not give them any money.
They're conning you.
I'm gonna need
police backup for this.
Roll, roll!
(audience laughs)
- Shame on you Maya, you
could not be more wrong about this.
(bass jingle)
- Hey, we meet again.
So, wanna go hit
the town tonight?
- I've got plans.
- You might wanna
change 'em. (laughs)
- Oh, and why is that?
- Well, let's just say
I put my pants on
three legs at a time.
(audience laughs)
- What are you talking about?
- I'm saying why
settle for a ukulele
when you can play the cello?
- Are you having some
sort of a breakdown?
- You know what, you're right.
I'm not making sense.
Perhaps there's not
enough blood in my brain
because it's all in my
ridiculously large penis.
(audience gasps and laughs)
- Listen, if you ever
speak to me again,
I'll have you arrested.
(audience laughs)
- Poor Dennis.
It's a story as old as time.
Great product, lousy
sales department.
- Is that the sun breaking
through the clouds, Jack?
- I believe it is, Elliot.
I believe it is.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
("Life Keeps Bringin' Me
Back To You" by Lauren Wood)
♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you
♪ Keeps bringin' me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you
- Something amiss, my lady?
- It's all out of water.
- Not a problem.
(chuckles)
Boop.
(both laugh)
This one's full.
(audience laughs loudly)
God!
There's better water
right here in the fridge.
Damn thing sticks sometimes.
There it goes.
Can I open that for you?
- I doubt it.
(upbeat bass music)
- And I honestly believe the
readers of Blush are willing,
even eager to help fight for
our endangered coral reefs.
Many different species...
- [Announcer] Jack Gallo
at the plate hitting 292.
(audience laughs)
Micah throws, Gallo swings.
It's a long run.
(audience cheers)
The Giants win the pennant,
the Giants win the pennant!
- The toxic runoff and
chemical pesticides have eroded
what was once one of our
most precious resources.
Few people...
- [Elliot Voiceover] I
know the doctor said
not to get my hopes up,
but I do feel a little
tingling on my scalp.
(audience laughs)
- So, you may ask, "What
can the average citizen do?"
I say plenty.
- [Dennis Voiceover] If it
was an absolute emergency,
I know I could get
that fridge door open.
Still, maybe I should
start working out.
Yeah, I wonder if Elliot's
gym offers jazzercise.
(audience laughs)
- So, if we all volunteer
for a clean-up weekend.
Excuse me?
Nina?
What is it that you're
daydreaming about
that's so much more
important than what I'm saying?
- My biological
parents have found me
and will be here
in half an hour.
Excuse me.
- [Elliot, Dennis Voiceover]
Please don't start again.
(audience laughs)
- Please don't start again.
- [Elliot Voiceover]
Please, please,
please don't start again.
- Please don't start again.
- Maybe I should go after her.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes.
- Why don't you go...
- See if she's okay.
- Yeah. (bass jingle)
(bass music)
- Hey.
We're all a little
worried about you,
how are you doing?
- They found me
over the internet.
Can you believe it?
I mean, they just
called out of nowhere.
- And they're actually
coming here to the office?
- All the way from
Twin Wells, Oklahoma.
(audience laughs)
- And you sound disappointed.
- Well, they sound
like backwater hicks.
Well I'm sorry, but you know,
when I was a little
girl on the farm
I always fantasized that
my birth parents were,
you know, movie stars
or wealthy jet-setters.
At least people who
didn't smell like hogs.
(audience laughs)
- Hm, it's funny.
Before I understood
what my dad did
I used to pretend that
he was a blacksmith,
hammering horseshoes
and working at a hot forge.
- Oh, but instead
he's a millionaire,
well boo-hoo for you
and now back to me.
- Look, you're a little
emotional right now,
- Don't get me wrong, Maya.
I loved my adoptive parents,
I mean, they fed me
and they raised me
and they learned me to read.
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
- [Nina's Mother] Hello!
- Oh my God.
Okay, if one of them is
holding a pig, you're me.
- Ms Van Horn?
- [Nina] Yes?
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, how rude of me.
This is, uh, (clicks fingers)
I'm drawing a blank.
- Nina.
No, I'm not kidding,
I wanna say Karen,
but I... (audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm Maya Gallo,
and I really should be going.
- No no, Karen, stay.
- So, I'm Doctor Les Drake
and this is my wife, Libby.
- Hello.
- Doctor, do they call you that
because you're an actual doctor,
or because you wear rubber
gloves when you do the milking?
(Libby laughs)
- No, I've practiced medicine
for over 40 years now.
- And I teach art
at the local college.
- You're not cousins, are you?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, of course not.
Oh, look at you.
To think all these years
I have taken fashion
advice from Nina Van Horn,
and now it turns out
she's my own daughter.
- Well, now, Libby, now,
we're not 100% sure,
we still need her
to take a blood test.
I don't want to sound paranoid,
but, well, we don't
want to get our hopes up.
- I understand.
- Plus, not to be crass,
but there are certain assets.
- Assets?
- Yes, well, in addition
to Les's practice
there is some oil money.
- Oil as in vroom
vroom, make the cars go?
(audience laughs)
- As in, vroom vroom,
let's quit the practice
and play some golf.
- Can't keep him off that
course since he built it.
(audience laughs)
- Well anyway, you must
have a lot of tough questions,
like why we gave you up
and why we waited
so long to find you.
- Can I have a pony?
(bass jingle)
- Man, pumping iron is hard.
Really hard.
How long do you think it'll be
before I put weights on the bar?
(audience laughs)
- When you can lift your
gym bag with one arm.
This is the best part, man.
Is this living or what?
- That's a decision his
family will have to make.
(grunts)
Is it hot in here
or is it just me?
- [Dennis] Ah, yeah.
(audience laughs and applauds)
(bass jingle)
- Something you need?
- Jack,
would you describe
yourself as a fan of nature?
(audience laughs hesitantly)
- Sure.
As a boy I took a lot of hikes.
- Ah, lot of hikes.
Good, that's good.
So, on one of those hikes,
did you ever see
something in nature
that just didn't quite fit?
(audience laughs)
- Yes.
I once saw an owl, and I
swear to God it smiled at me.
- Sure.
But I'm talking more...
I don't know, like,
like a really skinny tree
with branches that are
way too big for its trunk.
(bass jingle)
(audience laughs
loudly and applauds)
(bass jingle)
- Nina.
What are you doing?
- Waiting for my
blood test results.
They're sending me a fax.
- That's my humidifier.
And my fax machine
is over there.
- (gasps) Oh my God.
It's here. (gasps)
You know this piece of paper
could change
the rest of my life?
Maya, you read it.
- It's negative.
- How negative?
(audience laughs)
- Nina, this means
they're not your parents.
Are you okay?
- (stammering) They
have to be my parents,
I mean, they're everything I
ever dreamed they would be,
they're fun and witty
and sophisticated.
I mean, sure she could use
a makeover, but so could you.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, here you are.
Libby, they're
in Carol's office.
- You mean Karen, and it's Maya.
- Maya.
- I'm here for you.
- Please excuse us.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, we need to talk.
- But first, we don't
want to jinx anything,
but we bought you a present.
It's something that we
bought a long time ago
when we first started
searching for our daughter.
(jingling)
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- There's an inscription.
- "Rattle when you need us."
I don't know what to say.
- So, well, I'm
almost afraid to ask.
Do you have the
blood test results?
And?
- I'm your little girl.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
- Hey.
- Mm hm?
- So listen, I was thinking
maybe sushi tonight.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey Maya,
you want me to
water your plants?
(audience laughs loudly)
- Yeah, thanks Finch,
it's been forever.
- I'm your man.
- No, I'm her man.
(audience laughs)
I'll water her plant.
- Fine.
But you'll see it's no fun
lugging this thing around.
- What the hell was that about?
- Maya, be honest.
I make you happy, don't I?
- Of course, what
are you talking about?
- So you're fine,
you're fulfilled?
- Elliot, what's wrong with you?
- Just answer
the question, Allie,
do I make you happy?
(audience laughs)
- So, you're completely
satisfied with everything?
- Yes.
- What do you like most?
- Oh, I don't know, I
guess it's the little things.
(audience laughs loudly)
Oh, you poor thing,
Nina how did it go?
Were they crushed
when you told them?
- Crushed?
"Crushed" isn't the right
word, nor is "told them."
- What are you talking about?
- Well, I may have
fudged the truth a little
on the blood test.
(groans)
- Nina, I know you're
fulfilling some fantasy
about having rich
successful parents,
but lying to them is wrong.
- Well, that's one
way to look at it.
(audience laughs)
- What's another?
- Well, Les and Libby have
been looking for their daughter
for a very long time.
They want to make me happy,
I want to make them happy,
what's the crime?
- Fraud, theft.
- Oh, you are one to talk.
You're gonna inherit
tons from your dad.
- But he is my dad!
- Oh, is he, Maya?
At least I've had a blood test.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
- All I'm saying is if the
cold air makes it smaller
maybe the hot air in
the sauna makes it...
- We're not gonna
talk about this anymore.
- Here you go guys,
two regular lattes.
Alright.
And mine.
(audience laughs)
- What the hell is that?
- They call it a cafe grande.
- Oh, that's it.
You wanna see grande?
Here's five grande.
And there's a lot more
where that came from, pal.
- Punch me right here,
as hard as you can.
Come on.
(audience laughs)
- Did I get the wrong
coffee for you guys?
- Don't play innocent.
We've both gotten a look
at his majesty, the king.
- You guys are freaking me out.
- Do you really not know
what we're talking about?
- No.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
Really?
I guess that would explain
some of my back problems.
- Finch, how could you not know?
Didn't you take
gym in high school?
- I was excused 'cause
I have brittle bones.
(audience laughs)
- So, you've never compared
yourself to other men?
- No.
I mean, only guys
in porno movies.
(audience laughs)
I just figured I was a
little bigger than average.
- You son of a bitch.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Didn't your ex-wife
ever comment?
- Yeah, but isn't that what
wives are supposed to say?
- Yeah, but sometimes they
say it with a hint of sarcasm
that makes you feel like...
(audience laughs)
Never mind.
- Well, well, well.
(audience laughs)
- Stop gloating, alright,
it doesn't mean anything.
- I know, it doesn't.
I'm still just Dennis
Finch, regular guy.
(triumphant music)
(bass jingle)
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- My fault.
- Hey, you're Nina's folks, huh?
- That's right.
- So how do you like New York?
- Oh, we love it
every time we come.
- I never get used to how
tall those skyscrapers are.
- Of course, you know,
it's not the size of the
building that matters.
(audience laughs)
- Then what is it?
- I wish I knew.
- Have a nice day.
(speaking French)
- My stars.
Can you make it there?
(grunts)
- Oh my God, what happened?
- We were mugged, right in
the middle of Central Park.
- Oh, Daddy, are you alright?
- Yes, a little
shaken up is all.
- Should we get you
into an emergency room?
- No no, I'll be alright.
- I'll get some ice.
(grunts)
- This is terrible,
and it came at the
worst possible time.
- What do you mean?
- Well, we got some bad
news about your grandma Ruby.
- I have a grandma Ruby?
- For now.
She's taken a
turn for the worst,
she could go at any time,
so we chartered a jet
so we could all fly back
to Twin Wells
and be at her side.
- So, what's the problem?
- We need money for the charter,
and the muggers cleaned us out.
Credit cards, ID, everything.
- We could get a
cash wire tomorrow,
but then it could be too late.
I'm sorry Mama, I
wanted to be there.
(audience laughs)
- I could give you a loan,
how much do you need?
- $20,000.
- Goodness, that's
a lot of money.
- It is?
- Well, to her it is.
- Oh yeah, alright,
alright. (audience laughs)
Poor Grandma,
last thing she told me
was how she wanted to meet you.
- You see I'm, well,
I've gotten a little behind
on my credit cards this year.
- Passed down to you
her diamond pendant.
- Diamond?
- Yes, it's called
the Star of Persia.
- More like the
Football of Persia
(audience laughs)
because of its
tremendous size...
Weight...
Value.
Oh well, she will
just be buried with it.
- Oh, the hell she will,
I'll get you the money.
- Oh, no, we couldn't
possibly let you.
- No, I insist.
- Absolutely not.
- Look, you're taking my money
and that's all there is to it.
- Alright, let's
get to the bank.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I thought
you were at a shoot.
- I forgot my wide-angle lens.
What's the ice pack for?
- Oh, it's awful,
Les and Libby were
attacked in Central Park.
- No they weren't.
- Of course,
of course they
were, look at him.
- No, I just saw them
two minutes ago,
whatever happened to them
happened between
the lobby and here.
(bass jingle)
- (gasps) Oh my
God. (audience laughs)
Oh!
(sighs)
- Just a thought,
wouldn't it be easier to
take a commercial airline?
- Well, the problem is
we'd have to fly to Tulsa
and rent a car, and
it's a six-hour drive.
- And it would be too late.
(audience laughs)
- Someone needs some Valium.
- Nina, thank
you for everything.
You are so kind,
and good, and...
- Decent, and pretty.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I just can't do this.
- Sorry?
- I've just been
a very bad girl.
- Sorry?
- Oh, Les,
Libby, I...
I'm not your real daughter.
- What?
Sure you are, you belong to us.
I mean, until we die and you
get all the money, remember?
(audience laughs)
- See, I...
I wanted you to be my
parents so badly that I...
I lied about the
blood test, and...
Your daughter is still
out there somewhere,
and this belongs to her.
- Look, baby girl.
You are just hysterical.
Now don't make me
snap you unconscious.
(audience laughs)
- No, go ahead, I deserve it.
What I did was wrong.
Well, the whole thing
ends right here, that's it.
- Of course, you're good people,
so I will lend you the money.
(audience laughs)
- Sweet.
(elevator stalls)
- [Maya] Nina, can you hear me?
- Maya, you're the elevator DJ?
- Listen to me.
Les and Libby are frauds.
Do not give them any money.
They're conning you.
I'm gonna need
police backup for this.
Roll, roll!
(audience laughs)
- Shame on you Maya, you
could not be more wrong about this.
(bass jingle)
- Hey, we meet again.
So, wanna go hit
the town tonight?
- I've got plans.
- You might wanna
change 'em. (laughs)
- Oh, and why is that?
- Well, let's just say
I put my pants on
three legs at a time.
(audience laughs)
- What are you talking about?
- I'm saying why
settle for a ukulele
when you can play the cello?
- Are you having some
sort of a breakdown?
- You know what, you're right.
I'm not making sense.
Perhaps there's not
enough blood in my brain
because it's all in my
ridiculously large penis.
(audience gasps and laughs)
- Listen, if you ever
speak to me again,
I'll have you arrested.
(audience laughs)
- Poor Dennis.
It's a story as old as time.
Great product, lousy
sales department.
- Is that the sun breaking
through the clouds, Jack?
- I believe it is, Elliot.
I believe it is.
(audience laughs)
(bass jingle)
("Life Keeps Bringin' Me
Back To You" by Lauren Wood)
♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you
♪ Keeps bringin' me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you