Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 20 - Hot Nights in Paris - full transcript

(upbeat guitar music)

- So, all those in favor?

Then it's settled.

On next month's cover,
we will officially break

the nipple barrier.

- Yippee

- Remember where
you were, people.

- Oh, before we break up,

Happy Anniversary
to Jack and Nina.

- Oh, wow, is it
another year already?

- I can't believe
I almost forgot.

- Me too.

Thanks, I never would
have forgiven myself.

Happy Anniversary, Nina.

Oh, you too.

- Oh, my God.

You two are married?

- No, Kevin, every
year we celebrate

the anniversary
of our friendship.

Anyway, what I...
- How do you celebrate?

- Well, we do all the
things we did on the

first day we met.

I thought if we
left around five.

- Could you be more specific?

- Well, we go out for drinks
and then we go ice skating

followed by a midnight trip
on the Staten Island Ferry.

- Now you guys ask me somethin'.

- Have you
delivered all the mail?

- No.

(audience laughs)

- Jack, I'm really psyched
up about this nipple

on the cover thing.

It's gonna be huge, baby, huge.

- Dennis, what the
hell were you thinking?

- What?

- I was so close to getting
out of this thing with Nina.

She forgot, she forgot.

- He forgot and then Finch
had to open his big mouth.

- I thought you
liked this tradition.

- Don't get me wrong.

I love Nina to death,
but it's such a production

and it takes all night,

plus the ferry makes me seasick.

- Don't get me wrong.

I mean, Jack is my
hero but it's also grueling.

And plus, Jack always
deserts me on the ferry

to go inspect the bow.

- Well, if you hate it so much,

why don't you just cancel it?

- No, I can't.

It would crush him.

- She'd be devastated.

- This night means
everything to Jack.

- There's got to be
a way out of this.

- Did I tell you I
bought a dolphin?

It's in a tank in New Jersey.

- Did I miss the meeting?

- Don't worry, I
covered for you.

- I was all, "No, I disagree.


- Well, well, well, look
what the incredibly late

cat dragged in.

- I stayed at Elliott's
place again last night

and I had to go home and change.

- Dear, might I suggest
going back during lunch

and giving it one more try.

- You gave me this.

- I was incredibly mad
at you that Christmas.

- Hey, (blows whistle) is
Maya's apartment rent-controlled?

- I think so.

- Interesting.

- Are you planning
something devious?

- Of course, why else
would I be doing this?

(audience laughs)

(peppy music)

Hey, how many nights
this week have you

stayed over at Elliott's?

- Um, let's see.

Four, why?

- No reason.

Four nights, four points.

- Four points for what?

- This is just next
month's relationship quiz.

Thought I'd see if you
two are compatible.

- C'mon, Finch, those stupid
quizzes don't mean anything.

- Oh, you both feel that way?

- Yes, of course.

- Ding, ding, 10 points.

(audience laughs)

- Not that I care, but
what's the third question.

- Okay, question 49,
man you guys are on a roll.

- Yeah, it's like this
quiz was made for us.

- Made for you, okay.

Did you work together for at
least two years before dating?

- (in unison) Yes.

- Of course.

- (whistle sound) Bravo.

And finally, which
couple best describes you,

Ivan the Terrible and Eva Braun,

Liberace and Billy Jean King,

or Pablo Picasso
and Gloria Steinem?

- That's us.

- That is so us.

- Okay, well let
me just tally this up.

- What are you doing?

- This is cheese and bop,

it's a Korean finger
counting system.

(audience laughs)

Okay, you scored 312 points, oh,

which means get
your bags and pack up,

it's time for you to shack up.

- Oh, that is ridiculous.

Like we're gonna
move in together

just because we broke 300.

I mean, can you imagine
the kinds of people

that would make a
major life decision

based on a quiz.

- Let's do it.

- Pardon.

- Let's move in together.

- Pardon.

- I mean it.

Move in with me.

- Says the guy who
can't commit to anything.

- Exactly.

And I'm the one suggesting it,

so, I mean that
must be a good idea.

I mean, c'mon, you're telling me

you've never thought about it?

- Well, I, of course.

- We've known
each other for years.

You stay at my place
practically every night.

I think it's time.

- Oh, yeah, sure,
until I actually move in

and you freak out
and feel all smothered

and need your freedom.

- No, I won't.

Not if you stay in your areas.

(audience laughs)

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

- I don't know.

- You know what?

I'm not 100% sure either,
but I'm sure I wanna try.

What do you say? Me and you?

Picasso and Steinem?

- (laughs) Okay.

Okay, okay.

For one month,
that's my condition.

Just see how it works out.

- Okay, okay.

But during that month, you
can't go back to your apartment.

Okay, no, no, it doesn't exist.

- Deal.

- Okay.

- Now, if I can just get
somebody to sublet my place.

- You know, if you
guys are in a bind here,

(audience laughs)

(peppy music)

- You know, Jack,
you're gonna take a lot

of flack for this
little hint of nudity.

- Hey, I got where
I am by being bold

and I apologize
to no one for that.

- Have you told Maya yet?

- She'll see it on
the newsstand.

I'll tell her it was a mistake.

So, you excited about tonight?

- It's gonna be our
best anniversary yet.

- You got that right.

Although, - Yes?

I mean, yes.

- Well, I was thinking.

The real highlight for
me has always been

the ice skating.

- Uh huh.

- I don't know, I feel like
the ferry ride afterwards

can never quite top it.

- Are you saying that we
should cancel the ferry ride?

- Only if you don't mind?

- Well, I don't mind
if you don't mind.

- I don't mind.

- Oh, well, while
we're on the subject.

- Go on.

- Well, can anything really
top going out for drinks?

- You're right.

That's when our friendship
started, over drinks.

- One drink, in fact.

- I didn't even finish mine.

- So, we'll just
go out for a drink.

- Perfect.

Of course, when
you think about it,

we just had drinks
a few nights ago.

- Oh, my God.

Are you saying that
we should just cancel

the whole tradition?

- No, no, no, no.

I wasn't saying that.

Were you?

- No, of course I wasn't.

I thought you were.

- Me?

- Well, you're the
one who didn't want

to go on the ferry ride?

- Hey, don't put
words in my mouth.

I love the ferry.

- Oh, not as much as me.

- Well, you love
the ice skating.

- Oh, I do, I do.

I love it all.

- Me too.

- Oh well then, I
guess we're on,

the whole shebang.

- Damn straight.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Why can't she just
let the whole thing go?

- What happened in there?

- Hey, what's all this?

- Oh, that's my shampoo.

- Seven bottles?

- Yeah, well some
of it's conditioner,

some is deep conditioner,

one's for straight and shiny,

one's for volume.

- Wow, it's a world I
just barely remember.

- So, you're saying I could
have the whole shelf in there?

- It's yours.

See, you see, how well
all of our stuff fits together?

Like this plant on the shelf?

It's the perfect addition.

- No, Elliott,
that's your plant.

- It is?

- Yeah, and it's kind of dying.

Maybe we should get rid of it.

- You know what, you're right.

I'm just gonna chuck it
down the chute right now.

It really is a horrible plant.

Hey, is this your guitar?

- Uh huh.

- You have to play me a song.

- Oh, no, it's the kind
of thing that I just do

when I'm alone at home.

- Guess what, you are at home.

- Oh, well, I'm really
kind of shy about it.

- C'mon, you werent't
that shy when you were

licking the back of my
neck on the subway.

- I didn't lick your
neck on the subway.

(audience laughs)

- When I get out of the shower,
you're gonna play me a song.

- Are ya ready?

- I was ready 10 minutes ago.

- Where you going now?

- To get my coat.

- Then I guess you
weren't ready, were you?

- I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to take time away

from your precious anniversary.

- My anniversary?

- I mean our anniversary.

- But that's not what you said.

- Can't you just let it go?

- I'd be glad to let
the whole thing go.

- Hey, I'm three feet from you.

- You're always
three feet from me.

- Oh, well, that
could be changed.

Why don't we just
forget this anniversary?

- Why don't we just forget
all future anniversaries?

- And the ones after that.

- Good.
- Good.

- You know, the only
reason I talked to you

that day 20 years ago,

is 'cuz you were sitting
next to the pretzels.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, the only reason
I hung out with you

was because I thought
you were Elliott Gould.

(audience laughs)

- Oh,

the house of Finch,
the house of Finch,

watching porn in
the house of Finch,

watching porn until the morn

(making banjo sounds)

(knocking on the door)



- Hi, I'm Gwen.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm an old
friend of Maya's.

Is she home?

- You know what, she's not.

She won't be for a month.

I'm the house sitter and
I'll tell her you stopped by.


Sorry for the
interruption, m'ladies.

(knocking on the door)


- Yeah, I am so sorry
but can I use your phone

because I need to
find a place to stay.

- Yeah, I...

- Yeah, I know I should
have called Maya first

but I guess when you've
been living with gorillas

for a year, you lose a
little common sense.

- You've been living with who?

- Gorillas.

I've been in the Congo
studying their group behavior.

Yeah, Bobo was the alpha
male though he was frequently

challenged by Moses and Tap Tap.

There was this one time,

I'm sorry, I'm babbling.

I've been a little isolated.

- Yeah, well

- In fact, you're the first
guy I've talked to in a year.

- You know, you
could still stay here.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- I can be a real chatterbox.

- Wait'll I get goin',

I'll talk your pants off.

- I don't think I can do this.

- Of course you can.

- Maybe if you
face the other way.

- Maya, this is
important to you.

I understand that.

Don't have to worry.

- Okay.

I wrote this song when I was 17.

- Perfect.

- Now don't clap
along or anything.

- I won't.

- I want you to really
listen to the words

and feel the music.

- I will.

- Can't believe I'm doin' this.

- You're safe, alright,

and, remember, you're home.

- Okay.

Okay, here goes.

This, this is a
song that I wrote

about a summer I
spent 15 years ago

on a teen tour of France.

(guitar strum)

A very special summer
where a group of strangers

became friends for life.

(guitar strum)

And where a young
girl (guitar strum)

became a woman (guitar strums)

♪ Warm nights in Paris

♪ Oh, won't we miss them

♪ Those warm nights in Paris

♪ Where did the time go

♪ Cheap red wine
we each took our turn

♪ Talked about politics
but what did we learn

♪ Slept in small
beds not always alone

♪ The thrill of his touch
and pleasures unknown

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Warm summer nights in Paris

♪ Oh, won't we miss them

♪ Those hot
summer nights in Paris

♪ Where did the time go

- [Elliott Voiceover] Oh,
my God, this is awful.

She's gonna stop playing

and I'm gonna have
to say something.

Okay, calm down.

She just wants
to hear it's great.

Just tell her it's great.

Say, "Maya, it's great, great."

- La la la la la.

(sings in foreign language)

♪ Where did the time go.

I'm coming home America.

(laughing loudly)

- What are you doing?

- It's great.

- You're laughing at me.

- No, no I'm not.

- I can't believe
this is happening.

- It's (laughs)

- You said I was home and safe.

- (continues laughing)

- I'm moving out.

- Coming home America (laughs).

(peppy music)

- So, Maya moved in
with someone from work?

- Yeah, some guy named Elliott.

- Oh, right, the photographer.

She wrote to me about
everyone in the office.

- On recycled paper, I hope.

So, did she mention a
guy named Dennis Finch?

- Yeah, she said that
he's a conniving little perv.

- That guy makes me so mad.

- I just realized I don't
even know your name.

- It's Lonnigan,

Von Treeheart.

- That's a strange name.

- Not if you're half Cherokee.

- Really, you know I
speak a little Cherokee.

- Are you serious?

More wine?

- Lonnigan,

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.

- Are you hitting on me?

- No, no, God, no.

- Because I want you to.

- Baby, you are so fine.

- You know, I'm just gonna go

soak in the tub and
listen to some music

and then, maybe, you
can join me in bed?

- Maybe I'll join
you in the tub?

- I'd rather you didn't.

- I'll see you in bed.

Oh, the house of
Finch, the house of Finch

I'm gonna score in
the house of Finch.

(banjo sounds)

- I'm back.

Get out.

(audience laughs)

- This place hasn't changed
since the day we met.

- Jack.

- Well, it isn't Elliott Gould.

- What are you doing here?

- I came to say I'm sorry.

Through all our
husbands and wives,

this is the only
anniversary that's lasted,

and I don't wanna
throw that away.

- Oh, Jack, you're
gonna make me cry.

You know I feel the same way.

- Of course, I know.

That's why I was
sure you'd be here.

- I was sure you'd be here, too.

- [Maitre 'd] Van
Horn, party of 12.

Your table's ready.

- Well, not completely sure.

- I understand.

- Hey, would you
like to join us?

- I'd be honored.

- Nina, you wanna split
some mozzarella sticks?

- Okay.

- Was that Elliott Gould?

- Says he is.

(peppy music)

- And then he just laughed.

- That is horrible.

You know, I want you to
go back to Elliott's apartment

and you apologize.

- Apologize?

I'm the one who
opened my heart to him

and he laughed at me.

- You know what, you're right.

I want you to go
back to his apartment

and you laugh in his face.

Or just take a walk,
clear your head,

get to know you.

- Did I hear splashing?

- Wait, check this out.

Your father's putting a nipple
on the cover of the magazine

and when it comes
on the newsstand,

you're gonna ask him about it

and he's gonna
say it was a mistake,

but he's lying.

- What?

- Yeah.

- We need to talk.

- I don't need to do anything.

- First of all, this place
doesn't even exist.

- Oh, is that so?

It doesn't exist?

Then where am I dancin', huh?

Where am I dancin'?

- Is that how you dance?

- You two sound like
you got a lot of catching up

to do in the hallway.

- Look, I'm sorry but
you should be sorry, too.

- This is your apology?

- Say no.

- I mean, we're living
together for 30 minutes.

There's one problem
and you run away.

- That song was important to
me and for that reason alone

it should be
important to you, too.

- Say she's right.

- Alright, fair enough.

You put yourself out there
and made yourself vulnerable

so you know what?

Now, I'm gonna
do the same thing.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

I'm gonna tell you
something about me.

- Oh, please,
something about you.

Like you know anything
about what it means

to open yourself up to someone.

- I love you.

(loudly inhales)

- How dare you.

- What?

- How dare you say
something like that to make up

for what you did.

- What are you talkin' about?

I love you, I
really do love you.

(crying sound)

- Really?
- Yes.

The fact that you care
so much about a song,

some song you
wrote 15 years ago,

some ridiculously bad song.

That's the kind of
thing that makes me

love you even more.

I don't know why, but it does.

- I love you, too.

- (sob sounds) I was
not expecting that.

Oh, I just was not.

- Will you come home?

- I have to.

This place doesn't exist.

- Later Finch.

- Yeah, this time for real.

- Oh, wait, I did it.

I am the saviour of
the house of Finch.

I am the saving,
the savience Finch.

I am the king of the
Finchiest house of Finch

that ever there was.

- You're Dennis Finch?

- Uh,

I love you?

- Really?

- Come here, baby.

♪ Nights in Paris ♪
Oh, won't we miss them

♪ Those hot nights in Paris

♪ Where did the time go?

I'm coming home America.

- It's deep.

(guitar music)