Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 19 - Blinded by the Right - full transcript

When the conservative Citizens for Morality demands that the magazine tone down their sexually explicit covers, Jack is sure that his charm can easily diffuse the situation.

(upbeat music)

- Dennis, I need a body guard.

- Okay, uh, use mine.

Strong enough for a man.

(audience laughing)

- No, I mean a real body guard.

- Are you in some
sort of danger, Jack?

- Elliot, these are violent
times and a man in my position

can never be too careful.

- Did Trump just get one?

- With an earpiece
and a big ol' gun.

- I'll be your bodyguard.


Seriously, they have
a bodyguard school.

I can (talking drowned
out by laughing).

- They have bodyguard school.

- See, he makes a great
joke and then he builds on it

so it's even funnier.

- Yeah, see what I did there?

Pretty sweet, huh?

- Hey, I got an
even better idea.

Let me be your bodyguard.

(audience laughing)

- See, it's funny
when Dennis says it

'cause he's scrawny.

- But I used a silly voice.

- It's okay baby, let it go.

(phone ringing)

- Sorry I'm late, I didn't
hear my alarm go off.

- Why not?

- I was locked in a self
storage facility in Yonkers.

- That was the
Citizens for Morality.

The head guy will
be here at 3:00.

- Citizens for Morality?

What do they want with us?

- They think our
covers are too explicit.

- Well, they are.

But it's still our right.

Although they do have a point.

But who are they to judge?

Although I kind of agree,
but they must be stopped!

- Maya, you're gonna get
one of those headaches.

- Isn't that the same group
that got Cosmo banned

from all the Gelman's

- That's right,
how did you know?

- It was in the newspaper.

- Ah, were you wrapping a gift?

(audience laughing)

- I was reading the paper, Jack.

- But why?

- So what do we do
if they boycott us?

- Don't worry.

I know how to deal
with these nuts.

- I'd like to be
in on this, Jack.

Would you like to meet
in my office or yours?

- I'll handle this Nina,
this is really not your area.

- And what exactly do
you consider my area?

- Dennis?

- Sorry folks, no
more questions.

Mr. Gallo has a big day.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- I don't know.

Maybe my silly voice actually
hurt the bodyguard joke.

- Eh, maybe.

- What's the matter with you?

- I was serious about
being a bodyguard.


- Okay, you win.

You win, you're the funny one.

I'm the cool one.

That's how it is.

- Damn it, Elliot,
it's not a joke.

- Come on, you really do
wanna be a bodyguard?

- Why is that so crazy?

Because I'm not some tall,
muscular freak of nature?

I happen to have
lightning fast reflexes.

- Really?

- Oh yeah.

Try to grab these
keys out of my...

I didn't say go!


- Look, if it's so
important to you,

just do it.

Go to that school.

Prove to everyone that
you have what it takes.

- Yeah, why not?

I'm smart, I'm fast,

I'm agile, I...

- Hey!

Dennis, when's that decency
guy supposed to show up?

- Any minute.

- Jack, should we be
worried about this guy?

- Not at all, I'm
gonna use my famous

charm and disarm strategy.

- What's that?

- Remember when you
came in asking for a raise

and ended up babysitting
for me all weekend?

- Yeah.



(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, I'm
Dean Logan from the

Citizens for Morality.

- Ah, I'm Jack Gallo!

I've been looking
forward to our meeting.

- Ah, the two-handed handshake.

I must be important.

- Of course you are (laughing).

- I appreciate you letting
me air my concerns

about your magazine.

- Hey, I take your
position seriously.

So, let's get down to it.

That is one hell of a suit.

Sal Barone?

- Ah, the Gallo charm
and disarm approach.

I've heard about this.

- Really? I'm flattered.

- Nice shoes, Italian?

- Why yes, I ordered
them in Naples.

I could order you...

Listen, I'm a very busy man.

Let's get down to it.

- Good, I will.

We think your magazine
covers are smutty

and we want you
to tone them down.

- That's ridiculous.

There's nothing smutty
about Blush magazine.

- Turn your bedroom
into a brothel.

Sizzling sex tips from the pros.

- Sure, if you
read it like that.


- Look, obviously, you're
not gonna be offended

by your own magazine,
but I have to tell you,

many of us standing in
checkout lines are appalled.

- Then, avert your eyes.

Problem solved!

- I strongly suggest you
tone down the covers of Blush.

- Let me tell you something,
Mr. Preacher man.

I don't take well to threats.

- I'm gonna give you a
day to change your mind.

Then, we're kicking off
a boycott of the entire

Gelman's market chain.

- Good luck.

Gelman's has
carried us for 20 years.

- Oh, I won't need luck Jack.

I have a higher
power on my side.

You've got 24 hours
to agree to my terms.

- Good!

That'll give me time to think
of more naughty headlines.

How 'bout this one?

Ten hot tips for
sexy, nudey, sex sex!

(audience laughing)

- Wait a minute.

Claire, Claire Noodleman
from Colby, Kansas?

- Oh Buster, is that really you?

- Boys, God may be on his side,

but lady luck is my bitch.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- So, Claire.

- It's Nina Van Horn now.

I pushed Claire down a
well and shaved eight years

off her life.

- No kidding, I
changed my name too.

- Really, what was wrong
with Buster Churchdump?

- Dean Logan's easier to say.

- Well, Dean Logan's
easier to look at too.

My God, you filled out.

Teeth are straight and
that gorgeous hair tells me

you've cured your head lice.

- Yeah.

The summer after you left,
my brothers and I got dipped.

Yeah, it was uh,

so what are you doing here?

- Oh, I work here.

What about you?

- Yeah, just a little business.

Say, we should get together,
catch up on old times.

- I'd like that.

- Yeah, can I call you here?

- Here, this is my private line.

Just let it ring in
case I'm napping.

(audience laughing)

- Say Nina, a word?

- I heard about your
funny bodyguard joke.

- Shutup.

(audience laughing)

- Have a seat.

By the way, you
look beautiful today.

- Oh, why thank you.

- In fact, you always do.

- Jack, are you gonna fire me?

(audience laughing)

- Of course not.

I just wanna catch up.

I mean, we are old friends.

Speaking of which,
you know that guy?

- Who, Buster?

I mean Dean.

I haven't seen him since
he was a barefoot little boy

with a crush on me.

- You were sweethearts?

- No, no, he was from
the wrong side of the holler.

It's funny, that doesn't
seem so important now.

- You know, he's head of the

Citizens for Morality.

- You're kidding!

He's the prude who's trying
to neuter our magazine?

- I was thinking,
since you know Dean,

maybe you can help me
out with this boycott threat.

- Good idea.

We'll stage a press
conference where I'll debate the

issues with him.

I'll need a little time
to become an expert

on the Fifth Amendment.

- Um, First Amendment.

- You're right.

I'll start with the easy
one and work my way up.

- Or, you could just
have dinner with him

and win him over
with your charm!

- Why, don't you think I'm
capable of debating him?

- I never said that.

Do you have something
with a lower neckline?

- Ya know Jack, it isn't
easy to believe in myself

when the people I respect
don't have any faith in me!

- Look, if you don't
wanna help the team...

- No, I do wanna help the team,

but as a player,
not a pom pom girl!

- Don't think of yourself
as a pom pom girl.

Think of yourself as
a situation specialist.

- Alright, alright, fine.

I'll have dinner with him.

I'll wear something
sexy because,

well frankly, that's all I own.

But I won't have to
charm him because I'll be

too busy winning him
over with a little thing

called my brain.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Welcome to A1 Action
Bodyguard School.

Hello, my name is Wanda.

- [Group] Hello Wanda.

- Shutup!

While you were saying
hello, I could've kidnapped

a high power executive
and cut off his ear!

Now, listen up.

This is gonna be the
hardest two weeks of your life.

I will build your body,
I will build your minds,

I will make you into
tactical machines.


- I had a pickle for lunch.

- I admire your honesty.

Now shut your mouth
before I puke in it!

Now, each of you will be
assigned a mannequin to guard,

like this one.

You will eat, drink, and
sleep with this mannequin.

Is that perfectly clear?

- [Group] Yeah.

- Shutup!

While you were saying
it was clear, I just blew

your executive's head off.

- But you keep asking us stuff.

- Bam bam, he's down!

What do you do now, pickles?

What do you do now?

- I think I know but
I'm afraid to say.


(upbeat music) (gunshots)

- Gold, your partner is Horton.

Fisher, team up with Workman.

Alright, starting positions.

- Woah, woah, Wanda.

I don't have a partner.

- And you are?

- Uh, pickles?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah pickles, about that.

I'm not sure there's any
more I can teach you.

- But we've only
had the one day.

- A day I'll never forget.

Here is your
certificate of effort

and your badgette.

- (laughs) I knew I could do it.

And they all laughed at me.

- Well, I should've
put a stop to that.

- I meant the people at work.

- Anyway, good luck.

- Wanda dear,

now that we're not

I guess that leaves us
room to go out on a date.

That's weird, when
you grab there,

I can't feel anything in my...

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

- My mother tells me our
hometown's been going

through some tough times.

First, the private
prison went belly up.

Then the slaughter house.

If the toxic waste dump
goes, there'll be no reason

for the young people to stay.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm not here for a
hometown update.

I came to talk about
the First Amendment.

- Oh, okay.

- To begin with, no successful
democracy has ever allowed

any kind of censorship.

- Well, what about Singapore?

- Huh?

- Well, they have laws
restricting sexual content

in the media and they
have the seventh strongest

economy in the world.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay yeah well,
maybe those guys.

(audience laughing)

But what about the
Declaration of Independence?

- Actually, don't you
mean the Constitution?


- Well, it seems I'm
not wearing a bra.

- What are you doing?

- Charming you.

- Well, you are very
charming, but I thought

you wanted to talk
about the issues.

- Well, I do, but I don't know.

Maybe it's not my
area of expertise.

- Oh, I believe you
could be an expert

at anything you
set your mind to.

The way you've pulled yourself
up by your own bootstraps,

it's nothing short
of miraculous.

You are an exceptional,
resourceful, intelligent woman.

- You know me so well.

- I sure do.

Enough to see that
you can look at any issue

with an open mind.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, like this thing
with the Blush covers.

- I know you think it's smut.

- No, no, just inappropriate
for grocery stores.

I'm not against sex, but
there is a time and a place.

You wouldn't do it on a
crowded subway train, would you?

- Not again.

I learned my lesson.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- The thing is, all
my feminist friends

think that the Blush
covers are sexist.

- These are the same
friends who think that all

intercourse is an
act of violence?

- Nan and Gurdy, yes.

And this puts them on the
same side as the Morality group.

Then, I called my Professor
from Columbia Journalism School.

- The guy who invited
you to his nudist colony?

- Professor Rick, yes.

And he said that any
form of censorship

is the first step to a
totalitarian society.

- I thought he felt
clothes was the first step

to a totalitarian society.

- Can't you see that I'm
having a crisis of conscience?

- Can't you see I'm being funny?

Hey, I wish Finch were here.

Oh sure, now you show up.

Hey, check it out.

Maya was saying... - Save it.

I have to register myself
as a lethal weapon.

- What's that?

- Little something they
gave me at bodyguard school.

- Certificate of effort.

Wow, did everybody
get one of those?

- No.

(audience laughing)

- Nina!

How'd dinner go?

- Fabulous Jack.

- That a girl, so
the boycott is off?

- The thing is, Dean made
some excellent points,

but don't panic.

We put our heads together
and came up with a compromise

I think will make
everybody happy.

- Compromise, what
are you talking about?

- Well, we keep the
covers the way they are.

But now we sell Blush
under the counter at Gelman's

with the other dirty magazines

like Backdoor Johnny and Scrunt.

(audience laughing)

- Are you crazy?

Our sales would
plummet and why the hell

were you even
talking about that?

You were supposed to charm him!

- FYI, Dean is not
interested in charm.

He's interested
in ideas, my ideas.

- Oh for God's sake, wake up!

He's turned you into a puppet
and he's brainwashed you.

- Please, I've been
brainwashed several times.

This is completely different.

- Then, you're a
trader which is worse!

- A trader?

- You heard me.

- Fine, then I'll just go
back to where I'm wanted

and respected and listened to.

- Oh, is that right?

Well, say hello to Geppetto.

- Oh fine, go ahead, make fun.

Nothing you say can
get to me anymore.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Thank you for meeting
with me, Mrs. Gelman.

I know it's in both our interest
to keep Blush magazine

on your supermarket shelves.

- Well, we'll see.

- Have I mentioned how
much I love your supermarket?

- Yes, you have.

- Because they really
are super markets.

- Yes, I get it.

Now, I've taken the
liberty of asking Mr. Logan

from Citizens for
Morality to join us.

- You have?

What on earth for?

- Because frankly, I'm
not sure he's wrong.

I took a look at the
latest cover of Blush

and the word orgasm
appears four times.

- What can I say?

It's spring.

(audience laughing)

Can I get you
something to drink?

- A cup of tea
if it's no trouble.

- No trouble at
all, I'll get it myself.

How do you take it?

- Two bags steeps
a minute and a half,

a wedge of lemon,
a teaspoon of honey

and a sprig of mint.

- Dennis?

(audience laughing)

Why don't you
just sit in my office

and I'll be right back.

- Dad, I can't be in on
this meeting with you.

I'm so conflicted.

Not that there's anything
wrong with being conflicted

under certain circumstances,
although I'm not sure

this is one of them.

Anyway, if there's anything
else I can do for you.

- Make this into a cup of tea.

(audience laughing)

- Packin' heat Grandma, huh?

Am I gonna find something?

Wanna talk to me?

- Dennis!

- It's okay Jack, she's clean.

- What the hell are you
doing to Mrs. Gelman?

- She just waltzed
right in here,

no knock, nothin'.

- Apologize at once!

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Gelman.

- Could you both
turn around so I can

straighten my girdle?

- Of course.

(audience laughing)

- This is a big day for decency.

- And the best part is,
Jack Gallo is gonna have to

listen to every word I say.

- Yeah, about that.

Ya know, as our insider,
I think your silence

would be much more powerful.

- Are you sure?


Say something.

Why won't you speak to me?

- Now you understand
the power of silence.

(audience laughing)

- Well, hello Nina.

- Jack-o.

- Mrs. Gelman, such a pleasure.

I'm Dean Logan.

- Hello, I'm Nina...

- This is Nina Van
Horn, a Blush employee

who understands what's at stake,

which is why she's
risking Mr. Gallo's wrath

to support our cause.

- Oh please.

- Let's all have a seat.

- I was going to sit
next to Mrs. Gelman.

- Too late, I'm already here.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, let's get
down to business.

- Well, first of all,

I just...
- Nina, please.

- Actually, I would like to
hear what Miss Van Horn

has to say.

- You would?

- Yes, I'm very intrigued.

You work at Blush,
and yet you're in league

with Mr. Logan.

You have a unique perspective.

- Yes, but I...
- And I'd like to hear it.

- Well, thank you.

Believe it or not, I
do have a few ideas.

Of my own!

- Oh boy.

- Yes, yes the
covers of Blush are

sometimes lured and
even pornographic.

- Nina!

- Amen.

- But they serve
a vital purpose.

- And what purpose is that?

- They make women lonely.

- Will I have time
for a rebuttal?

- If he gets time, I get time.

- Shh, both of you.

- Dear, I'm not
sure what you mean.

- Blush lures women
with sexy headlines,

but then sets impossible
standards for them

to measure up to.

Perky boobs, studly boyfriends,

multiple orgasms, most
women will never have

any of these things.

So, how do these
women fill that empty void?

They eat!

Dairy products, produce, meat!

- Poultry, baked goods.

- Yes, we set 'em
up, you plump 'em up.

We need you to
sell our magazines.

You need us to sell your food.

- Oh, this is absurd.

- No, it's not.

Sometimes, I get lonely.

And now, I'm hungry.

- Yes! (audience laughing)

- Don't listen to her, she's
nothin' but holler trash.


- Hey, watch your mouth!

- Well maybe you
should watch your mouth.

- Are you gonna make me?

Reverend Golly.

- How's the eye?

- Still sore.

- Look, I heard
screaming, I ran in

and started kicking.

I'm sorry.

- Nina, I underestimated
you and in the presence

of everyone, I wanna say I
won't make that mistake again.

- Oh really?

- Here's to you.

And from now on, I'm gonna
give you more opportunities

to prove yourself.

- Oh, thanks Jack.

I only hope that doesn't
translate into more work.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you