Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 18 - Blackjack - full transcript

- Finch, how do I look?

- Uh, like a desperate
woman hanging

onto a youth she
can't even remember.

(audience laughter)

- How bout now?

- Much better.

- Okay.

(audience laughter) Oh,
you ready to go, Elliot?

- I can hardly wait.

- Well where are you guys goin'?

- Oh, we're judges at the
Rave TV Fashion Awards

today's the orientation meeting.

- You made him a judge?

But you said you were
going to make me a judge.

- Dear, people say a lot
of things when they're lying.

(audience laughter)

- Wow, these
categories are so specific.

Outstanding swimsuit
model 95 pounds and under.

(audience laughter)

- At least get me backstage.

There'll be hot girls around.

And then we all go back
to Puff Daddy's house.

There are gonna be
really, really hot girls

running around.

(audience laughter)

We're gonna take
a jacuzzi, get naked,

and that's when I
sell 'em this groove.


♪ Z-z-z-zootdippa dippy dog

♪ Yo yo yo yippie
yo ♪ Yippie yay

♪ Yip yap yow ♪ Not
my gun ♪ Not my gun

(audience laughter)

(upbeat theme music)

- And finally, I propose
we end every issue

of Emily with the parody
of a well-known poet

because even a literary
magazine should have

a sense of whimsy.

Thank you.

(audience laughter)

- Well, Maya, I've heard a
lot of magazine proposals,

but that one was very complete.

- Oh, you think so?

- Oh yeah, I mean,
is it still light out?

(audience laughter)

- See, I know Emily
is not going to outsell

Rolling Stone but it still
has a great demographic,

Educated, well-read,
women who appreciate...

- Deerslayer.

(audience laughter)

- What?

- Nothing, go on, well
educated, something or other.

- That was a signal
to Finch, wasn't it?

What, is he supposed
to barge in here

and save you from
my boring proposal?

(audience laughter)

- Maya, please, how
could you get that

from a simple word
like, deerslayer?

(audience laughter)

- Jack, there's a crisis,
Maya needs you right away.

(audience laughter)

Didn't you say deerslayer?

- I meant foxfire.

- If you didn't like my proposal

why don't you just say so?

(phone rings)

- Jack Gallo's office.

- Honey, it's just
not a good time

to launch a magazine.

The market is saturated.

- But that's my point.

There isn't a market for this.

(audience laughter)

I mean yet.

- Jack, that was a guy
from your Country Club,

he says you can't
have your 8:00 tee time.

- Why not?

- Cause he already
gave it to your son.

- Damn, you gotta be quick.

(audience laughter)

Wait, I don't have a son.

(audience laughter)

- I mentioned that it's named
after Emily Dickinson right?

- There's some guy
running around claiming

to be Tad Gallo.

- Tad Gallo, this
guys got some nerve.

Call the club back
and get a number

for this bozo.

Arrange a little meeting.

- Mm-hmm.

- Don't mention my name.

- Right.

What name should I use?

- Hmm, I've always
been fond of Rex Cable.

(audience laughter)

- I'll think of something.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

- Okay, everybody.

Let's get going.

I know we don't
vote until Thursday,

but there's still lots to do.

Well, I see some new
faces, I see some old faces,

I see some new
faces on old bodies...


(audience laughter)

- Hammy, is that you?

Did they leave anything?

(audience laughter)

- Okay, before we dive in, does
anyone have any questions?

- I was wondering, when
voting for best designer,

do we base it on originality...

- [Dez] Hold that thought.

Champagne, everyone.

- [Nina] Oh.

Thinking of you from
Tennes active wear.

Well, I'd say Tennes is
going to be hard to beat.

- What are they nominated for?

- Who cares, hand me a ballot.

- They're kidding, right?

- I hope so.

People, let's now be
swayed by the champagne.

- Thank you.

- Because I heard that
Dor d'luge is sending us all

DVD players.



- Does anybody have
a problem with this?

- I do, too dry.

Better luck next year, Tennes.

- We can't keep
any of this stuff.

It's bribery.

- Bribery.

- Elliot, it's not bribery.

These are souvenirs.

- What exactly
is the difference?

- To be a souvenir,
the item must have

the word souvenir printed on it.

- Don't worry, it's
all in the by-laws.

♪ Oh, that reminds me

Look what came yesterday
from Tod Herman Designs.

Souvenir leather shoulder bags.

- For God's sakes.

This is-this is so soft.

(upbeat music)

- And, it could be
like the New Yorker

only smarter,
without all the flash.

(audience laughter)

- Uh-huh, now where
the hell is this guy?

- Oh Dad, take it easy.

- Take it easy.

Maya, this con artist is
disgracing the Gallo name.

I assure you this is not
what your Grandfather

had in mind when he
changed it from Gallofart.

(audience laughter)

We're here to meet
a Mr. Gallo for lunch.

- He's already
here. Right this way.

- Hey, son, long time no see!

Or don't you
recognize your old man,

you lying little dirtbag?

(audience laughter)

- Oh, no, this isn't...
This isn't Mr. Gallo.

- Honest mistake.

Maya, throw some money at this.

- That's Mr. Gallo.

(audience laughter)

- Now, you make sure those
seats are in the front row,

because when that
chopper leaves Miss Saigon,

I want to be picking rice
paddy out of my teeth,

you hear me?

- So you're Tad Gallo?

- Yeah, that's me
baby, G-a-double l... oh!

Mr. Gallo, I know
this looks bad...

- So, you're the guy
claiming to be my son.

- Please Sir, let me explain.

- You got 60 seconds.

- Cuban?

- 90 Seconds.

(audience laughter)

- You see, I'm trying to break
into the publishing business,

and I needed to get a
few doors opened, and,

like a great
entrepreneur once said,

you got to connive to survive.

- Hey, that's from
my autobiography.

- I know!

It's brilliant!

It makes me proud to
pretend I'm your son.

(audience laughter)

- I... i'm flattered, but, uh,
this little charade of yours,

it can't actually
be working, can it?

- Oh yeah, you wouldn't
believe the contacts I've made.

- But, I mean, there's not
exactly a family resemblance.

(audience laughter)

How do you pull it off?

- Well, I took care of it.

- You're lucky he had
a great sense of... oh!

You're Tad Gallo?

- Why is that so funny?

- Well, you know
because you're...

- Because I'm what?

- Well, don't take this
the wrong way but,

I suppose it's possible.

- And that Sir,
is how I pull it off.

- Hey, I love it.

Waiter, a drink for
my fake, black son.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

And by putting
the printing facility

under a different corporate
name, I'm able to...

- Decrease your tax liability.

- It's like I'm
looking into a mirror,

at night.

(audience laughter)

- Dad, I, oh.

- What's up, pumpkin?

- Um, well, I've done some
rethinking about Emily.

- Your cousin with
the wandering eye?

- No, my magazine proposal.

- Ooh, jack, if we
don't hit the golf course,

we're not going to
make our tee time.

- Dad, you're not
even listening to me!

- Sure, I am, pumpkin.

Cousin, wandering eye, very sad.

- No, dad, my magazine
idea, and excuse me, Tad,

but my confidential
magazine idea.

- Could you tell Dennis
to push the tee time back?

- Thank you.

- Until when?

- Point number one, poetry
is a dance of the intellect.

- Thursday.

(audience laughter)

- Point number two...

- Hey, if it's not
too much trouble,

Jack wanted me to
ask you if you could

push the tee time back.

- Listen up here, tee time.

If anyone here is
Jack's fake son, it's me.

(audience laughter)

- What's that?

- I see you moving
in on the old man,

worming your way
into his confidence.

Let me tell you something.

I will not eat, drink,
or sleep until I discover

your little plan.

- My plan is to pursue
a career in publishing.

- Guess again, my friend.

You just rolled the dice, baby,

and they came up Finch eyes.

(audience laughter)

- Look, I don't know
why you're mad at me

or what it is you do here...

- Da, da, da, all
you need to know

is I'm a very
important integral part

of the infrastructure
of the organization.

(audience laughter)

- Well, how important
do you have to be

before they give
you a chair, dude?

(audience laughter)

- Someone keeps taking it.

(audience laughter)

- I'm sorry, I still say
it's not the right time

for a magazine.

- So none of my research
has had any effect on you?

- Well, your pie graph
made me hungry.

Hey, I meant to ask
you, why Tad Gallo?

- Because I always tell
people that I'm just a tad Gallo.


- [Tad] You like that one?

- [Jack] I do, I do.

You know, it reminds me
of the time when I tried to

fake my way into the
New York Athletic Club.

(background chatter)

- Maya?

- Yes?

- That son of a
bitch stole our daddy.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

- Finch.

Check out my camcorder.

All the judges got
one as a souvenir.

- Hey, Finch, I'm shooting you.

Say something funny.

- Um...
- Ha, choked.

(audience laughter)

Hello, welcome to the
Fundance Film Festival.

(audience laughter)

- So you keeping it?

- Of course I am,
it's a souvenir.

- Heh heh, souvenir, I love it.

It's like in high school, I
didn't cheat on my S.A.T.s,

I teamed up with
the guy in front of me.

- You know, you've
got it all wrong.

It's all on the up and up.

- Dude, relax, it's
me you're talking to.

- No look, it says
souvenir right there.

- Okay.

- You're not looking.

_ Dude, I'm not
gonna narc on you.

- There's nothing
to narc on, all right.

It's-the by-laws are very clear.

- If it's in the by-laws...

- Don't judge me!

I'm a judge.

Don't judge the Judge.

(audience laughter)

- Come on. why
are you so uptight?

What have you
got, gold in there?

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

- Hey. is my dad in there?

- [Jack] Ha ha ha!

- Yeah, he's working on a
project with precious, Tad.

- What kind of project?

- [Jack and Tad] Ha ha ha!

- A stupid laugh at
everything project.

- Hey, Fish, are there any
diet sodas in the fridge?

- Uh, finch is the name,
and, uh, I wouldn't know.

Some of us don't need to diet.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if anything, you
should bulk up, man.

- I drink those protein
shakes, but nothing happens.

- I know.

(audience laughter)

- Sometimes I do
a scoop and a half.

- I know.


- Hi.

- [Maya] I just came
to get my easel.

- I'll bring it to you later.

- Well, I'm here
now. I'll just take it.

- Well, that doesn't
make any sense.

Why don't you run
along, and I'll have Dennis

call a guy from
the loading dock.

- Is there something
you don't want me to see?

- Absolutely not.

- What's this?

- Hey. ho, isn't that great?

Jack's going to help me
launch my own magazine.

Panache, ha ha.

It's about cars, cigars,
and upscale bars.


- Is that so?

- Yeah, we're meeting
with the financial backers

later on today.

- You told me it wasn't a
good time to start a magazine.

- He lied to us, Maya.

He lied to both of us.

(audience laughter)

- Dennis, if you don't mind,

this is a family matter
between me and Maya and Tad.


(audience laughter)

- How do you explain this?

- Maya, just calm down.

It's not... Huh, they
made a mistake.

It's supposed to be Panache
with an exclamation point.

- No, there's no
exclamation point.

- Really, I always pictured
it with an exclamation...

- Who cares about
the exclamation point.

Either way, it's must a
lame ripoff of Esquire.

- Ooh, now hold on, Sister.

- I am not your Sister.

- I am not your Sister.

- Hey, don't start with me.

- Now kids.

- She's the one who started it.

- Oh, my god!

He totally started it!

(audience laughter)

- What are you, six?

- Jerk.

- Oh, very clever.

She calls herself a Gallo.

- I am a Gallo.

You're the one
who's not a Gallo.

You're not even a Gallofart.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

- Elliot, you're late.

Silly, you don't have to
bring your stuff every day.

- I'm returning it.

- What?

- They're bribes and
I'm returning all of it.

- Elliot, don't you dare,
you'll embarrass me.

- I don't care, this is wrong.

We should know better.

You should know better, Nina.

- Ok, as you see
on your ballots...

- Excuse me, before
the vote, I'd like to say

a few words about
these so-called souvenirs.

When I first came
here... [humming]

What's that sound?

- My massage chair.

And I suggest
everyone try theirs.

(audience laughter)

- Wow, that's great.

Where's my ballot?

- As I was saying, just
so there's no semblance

of impropriety, we
should return these gifts.

That way we can vote
with a perfectly clear

conscience, and you know what?

I think that would make
us all feel good, really good.

- Oh, try the lumbar sweep.

- Oh, oh, it's almost naughty.

(audience laughter)

- Damn it, turn those
massage chairs off.

I will be heard!

[Humming stops]

Look, I know it's
fun to get free stuff,

but let's not fool ourselves.

These souvenirs aren't free.

The cost is our integrity, and
once you put a price on that,

it's a slippery slope.

Look, I don't want to preach.

I just think we should
all ask ourselves,

what do we believe in?

- I don't know, Dez.

I think he may be right.

- What does he know?

He's a newcomer, and
may I add, a real pill.

- Well, I am not a newcomer,
and I have something to say.

I have been on this
committee for three years,

and in that time, I have
taken dozens of gifts

without a second
thought, that is, until now.

The fact is, we should
be asking ourselves

what we really believe,
what really matters.

And as I sit here on this
souvenir massage chair

eating souvenir caviar,
it just makes me realize

we should be taking these gifts.

- [All] Yes.

- What?

- Yes, I am talking about
America's dirty little secret,

that awards always go
to the best and the fastest

and the brightest.

Well, how do you think
that makes the worst

and the slowest and
the dumbest feel?

(audience laughter)

Well, I can tell you from
experience, not good.

(audience laughter)


- I don't believe this.

- So, back to business.

Who's taking the Matisse?

- Hey, who gets
Dudley Do-Right's stuff?

- I want what he's wearing.

- Go now. you may be in danger.

- Andrews!

- Great to see you again.

You remember my kid, Jeremy?

- Of course, this
is my protégé, Tad.

- Tad.

- Please.

- So, Jack, let's
hear what you got.

- Oh, no, no, no.
This is Tad's show.

- Oh.

- Take it away, kid.

- All right.

Ok, as you can see from
these demographic studies...

- [Jack] Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you gentlemen
please excuse us?

What about the joke?

I thought you were going
to open with the joke.

- Yeah, but I decided not to.

I think the joke's
a little weak.

- What are you talking about?

That's a killer joke.

- Yeah, I kind of
don't even get it.

- Fine, you don't
have to tell the joke.

- Cool.

- I'll tell it.

How about this weather?

It's so cold outside,

I saw a lawyer with his
hand in his own pocket.

(audience laughter)

They're all yours, kid.

- Thanks, Jack.

- Okay, the magazine
is called Panache,

and the basic premise...

- No, no, not just Panache.

Panache with an
exclamation point at the end.

- Uh, there's no
exclamation point.

- Trust me. you want
an exclamation point.

It says excitement,
danger, and glamor.

Now, I admit, it
doesn't say sex,

but we'll have
pictures for that.

You like girls, Jeremy?

(audience laughter)

- What it's really about
is cars and gadgets.

- And sex tips.

- No, no.

Readers of Panache
don't need sex tips.

- My wife says
everyone needs sex tips.

(audience laughter)

- Jack, I think maybe this
meeting's a bit premature.

- Oh, no please,
stay right there.

Uh, Jack, can I see you outside

for just a teeny
tiny little minute?

- Oh, sure.

There will be an
exclamation point.

- What are you
doing to me in there?

- I'm trying to keep you
from making a fool of yourself.

- I appreciate everything
you've done for me,

but let me handle
this in my own style.

- Your style?

You don't have any style.

You're here to learn my style.

- Oh, now I get it.

See, you don't want a protégé.

You want a clone of yourself.

No wonder your daughter's
such a head case.

- Hey, you watch your mouth.

She may not smoke a
cigar or swing a golf club

or tell a joke right, but
she's more of a Gallo

than you'll ever be.

- Well, if this is what
it takes to be a Gallo,

you can keep it, I'm outta here.

- Quitter!

- Golf hack.

- Poser.

- Biatch!

(audience laughter)

- I don't know what that means,
but I'm gonna ask around.

(audience laughter)

- I don't care if Tad's gone.

I will never forgive
Jack for what happened.

Things will never
be the same with us.

- Dennis, there you are.

Before you go, can
you clean the gunk

off my golf shoes?

(audience laughter)

- Oh, don't you
want Tad to do it?

- No.

- I won't let you down.

(audience laughter)

- So what are you working on?

- It's a critique of
Susan Faludi's views

on the patriarchy
modern day Germany.

Oh, what's the point?

It's not like anyone
will ever read it.

- I'm glad you
finally came around.

(audience laughter)


Look, Maya.

I'm sorry, I liked Tad's
magazine better than yours.

No, it's not just the magazine.

It's, when I came to
work here three years ago,

I thought that it
would bring us closer.

And you only knew Tad
for five minutes and...

Forget it.

- Maya, you know I love you.

But Tad and I, I guess
we just clicked for awhile.

- I know.

And with you and
I, it's like we're on

totally different wavelengths.
- Planets.

That's incredible.

I almost said wavelengths.

It's like we've
got some kind of...

♪ Do do do do do do do do

(audience laughter)

- Hmm. nice try.

- Well.

Hey, I was gonna go
catch the Ranger game.

- Oh, have fun.

- I got an extra ticket.

- Will it be violent?

- No.

- Will you buy me a program?

- You got it.

- Will it have articles in it
that aren't about hockey?

(audience laughter)

- Why don't you bring a book?

(audience laughter)

(slow guitar music)

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you