Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 17 - With Thee I Swing - full transcript

Their effort to have some friends in common leads Maya and Elliott into trouble; Finch betrays a colleague in an effort to help Jack.

(rock music)

- Hey, what you doing?

- Oh, I was just
thanking your friends,

Jan and Elsa, for
inviting us over.

- Oh, I knew you'd love them.

What did you write?

Dear Jan and Elsa, thank
you for having us over.

I especially enjoyed the.

- That's where i got stuck.

- You don't like Jan and Elsa?

- Oh, they're just not my type.

I don't know, maybe it
was the creepy tapestries,

or her lecturing me on how
Americans over clean themselves,

or how they named their
poodles Jan and Elsa.

- That's supposed to be ironic.

- What's ironic is that the
dogs smell better than them.

- Fine, fine.

I just thought it would be nice

to have some friends in common.

- Oh, come on, we
have Finch and Nina.

- You sure people can read it?

- Go get 'em.

- Dennis, three things.

First, take the sign off Nina.

Second, I'd like to apologize.

I know I've been obsessing over

what to get Donald
Trump for his birthday,

and I may have been a
little gruff with you lately.

- Not at all, you've been
a huge pain in the ass.

- Well, I appreciate that.

And third, I have
finally found the gift.

- Oh, thank god.

- Voila!

A piece of cinema history.

Peter Fonda's bike
helmet from Easy Rider.

- That is perfect, I'll
wrap it immediately.

Choose a ribbon.


- Is this gonna blow
him away, or what?

- Well, it's nice.

- Nice?

- Nina!

- What do you mean, nice?

- Well, it's a little like what
Trump gave you last year.

You know, the hat John
Wayne wore in True Grit.

- Oh, my god, you're right.

It's the same thing
only not as good.

- No, no, no, check this out.

See how cool it is?

Picture it as a
cowboy hat and, bam!

I look stupid, right?

- I'm screwed.

- Oh, Jack, don't you
think you're overreacting?

- I can't help it.

Both our birthdays
are next week,

and every year Trump gets
me a better gift than I get him,

and then he rubs my face
in it at our poker game.

Sometimes he even
does a little dance.

- Jack, you gotta get... (thuds)

(rock music)

- I'm going to go
out on a limb here,

and I say the kettle on
page 47 symbolizes not life,

nor even hope, but
rather the hope for life.

- Wow.

I picked a great night to bring
you to my book club, huh?

Oh, come on, admit it.

You thought it was
going to be boring.

Hey, I'm not putting
down your friends,

it's just isn't it fun to be
with people we both like?

People with
passion, ideas, and...

Are you drooling?


- I'm up, I'm up.

I was having a nightmare.

No, I wasn't.

- Excuse us for a
moment, please.

- No talking about the book.

That has to be done
in front of the group.

- I'm sorry, it was a boring
discussion about a boring book.

- Boring?

It's Angela's Ashes!

- Oh, please, we're starving,
dad's drunk, we're starving.

- Oh, I see.

You're just too cool
to be in a book club.

- No, I describe
it as too alive.

- You know, we don't need your

superior attitude around here.

- Oh, no, what will I
do with my evening?

- You could go spend it
with your Eurotrash friends,

Jan and Smelsa.

- I'm gonna go do
something more fun

like help fold
T-shirts at the gap!

Hey, thanks a lot,
I got a lot out of it.

- Sea breeze, light ice.

So, Ethan, how's Trump
treating you, buddy?

- Ha, he's on this
new egg-whites thing.

He thinks it'll cut
down on his dandruff.

- Jack's binging on sweet rolls.

He thinks cinnamon
will help his night vision.

I don't know.

- Ah, why do we stay with them?

- It ain't for the
gratitude, brother.



Yo, Tony, how's larry
king treating you, buddy?



- Hey, well at least the
birthday crisis is over.

- Oh, Trump found
a gift for Jack?

- Thank god, yes.

Now maybe he'll stop
being such a grouch

and go back to
chasing show girls.

Has Jack found a gift?

- Not yet.

- Is he wigging out?

- What do you think?

- A suit of armor
with a built-in stereo?

- No!

- I just wanna go home!

- Sit down!

- Oh, it's making him crazy!

He's taking it out on
everyone in the office,

especially me.

- I hear ya.

- And the whole
thing is so stupid.

They don't even like each other.

It's just to see, who's smarter?

Who can be more creative?

Who's richer?

- Well, we both
know who's richer.

- On paper, maybe!

Hey, I'm sorry,
man, it's a long day.

- Hey, my bad.

So what's Trump getting him?

- It's the gold
cigarette lighter

that JFK gave to Frank Sinatra.

- Oh, my god, that is so cool.


Eh, poor Jack,
that's gonna kill him.

- He's negotiating
with a private collector.

The deal's gonna close tomorrow.

- Hmm.

Hey, Joanne, how's
Martha Stewart?

Poor thing.

Do you ever think
about getting out, Ethan?

Living like regular people?

- I don't know.

Assisting a regular person?

- No, no, I mean not
being an assistant at all.

- You mean being a butler?

- Forget it.

- Yeah, and I'm
really, really sorry.

- It's okay.

- I mean, if I could stay
awake during high school math,

you'd think I could manage to...

- Apology accepted.

- Right, right.

- Oh, I guess I'm just like you.

I wanted my friends
to become our friends.

- Hey, there's no law that says

that we have to depend
on other people to have fun.

- You're right.

- I mean, sometimes couples

hide behind other
couples as a crutch.

- And you know why?

It's those damn
beer commercials.

Large groups on the beach,

big bonfires, like
that ever happens.

- Hey, how about
tonight, just the two of us,

we go out for a nice dinner?

- I heard about this
great place in Soho.

They've got a hot
new chef, swing band,

big dance floor.

- Ooh, you know
how to swing dance?

- No, don't you?

- No, but we can learn.

- Okay, but let's go early.

- Why?

- Cause I really hate it when

people crowd
right up against me.

- I know what you mean.

They can hear
everything you're saying.

- Okay, the models are
wearing sherbet colored sweaters

while eating sherbet.

So orange sherbet,
orange sweater.

Peach sherbet, peach sweater.

- Yes, yes.


Beach sand.

Sandy Duncan.

Dunkin Doughnuts.

What if I get Trump the
world's biggest donut?

- Why, Jack, it's perfect.

- You said that
the past 50 times.

- Well, why won't
you believe me?

- I'm sorry. we have
an issue to put out.

I need to focus.

- Thank you.

- Focus.


Hocus pocus.

- Why, Jack, it's perfect.

- I didn't get to the idea yet!

- Please, I just
want it to be over.

- Jack, your lawyer wants
you to sign some of this.

- What, speak up!

- What's the matter with you?

- Hangover.

Sea breeze is a
demanding mistress.

I told Ethan we should've
split the second one.

- Ethan, Trump's secretary?

- Not secretary, assistant.

- Wait!

Did he say what Trump
was gonna get me?

- Please, don't you think
we have better things to do

with our free time than talk
about the guys we work for?

- You just gave
yourself away, boy.

- Have a seat, Dennis.

- I can't tell you
guys anything.

It'd be a violation of our code.

- What code?

- The assistants' code.

Anything we tell each other
about work is confidential.

If I told you about the gift,
it would ruin my reputation.

- Oh, for god's sakes!

A reputation is no big deal.

I've had mine
since seventh grade.

Well, if anything,
it's held me back.

- Look, Dennis, I
admire your integrity, but,

technically, you won't
be breaking a confidence

because as soon as
Trump gives me the gift

I'm gonna know anyway, right?

- I guess.

- So telling me now just
gives me a benchmark

to help me choose a better gift.

- Oh, Jack, I don't know.

- Oh, I know

It makes so much
sense it's scary.

- But if this ever
got back to Ethan,

- It won't.

- But if it ever did.

- It won't.

- But if there's any chance...

- All right, spill it, squirt!

I will not spend the rest of my

mid-to-late 30s in this office!

- You mean you
actually fell asleep

at the book group?

- With his mouth open.

- Well, in my dream I
was screaming for help.

- Oh, oh.

- We understand exactly
what you're going through.

When we were first dating,

Lori made me go to
her wreath-making class.

- Forget it.

- Oh, Ben, look
who's at the bar.

- Oh, yeah, this guy donates
a lot of money to the museum.

I better go grovel.

- [Both] So how long
have you been together?

- Well, 12 years.
How about you two?

- About a month?

- Or two if you count
the evening we spent

with Jan and Elsa.

- Oh, uh, Ben's
giving me the signal.

I better go rescue
him I'll be right back.

- They're really nice.

- Yeah, I like them, too.

And I love that
they have a signal.

We should get one of those.

- All right, I'll work on that.

- Do you think it
would be too weird

if we asked them to
do something with us?

- Are you sure,
we just met them.

- I know, but I have a
good feeling about them,

and they wouldn't be
your friends or my friends,

they'd be our friends.

- And what happened to
we don't need other people?

- Oh, you know I was lying!

I want my life to be like
those beer commercials.

- Well, I think we just
got another sarcophagus.

- Listen, we have to go, but...

- Oh, right.

Well, we were wondering.

You know, it seems like
we're hitting it off really great,

I mean, you know, we
don't want to be too forward.

- Please go out with us.

- I'm sorry?

- Well, we just hate to leave
here and never see you again.

- I mean, I have no
idea if you'd be into this,

but we were talking
about going to a swing club.

- Really?

Well, that's the signal for yes.

- We'd love to.

- Oh, great.

Okay, here's my number.

Give me a call and
we'll work out the details.

- Okay, sounds great.

- Great.

- Bye, bye.

Until tonight.

- Terrific.

- Wow, they seemed so straight.

I'd never guess
they were swingers.

- True.

But that's what everybody
always says about us.

- So I was thinking we could
do a piece on women astronauts

who they are, how
did they get there...

- What lingerie do they
wear back on earth?

- I like that.

- Elliot.

- Hey, it's our tax dollars,
we deserve to know.

- Oh, my god, my taxes!

Oh, screw it.

- Dennis, you're late!

- Jack, can I speak to you
in your office right away?

- I'm in the middle
of a meeting!

- Fine, I'll wait.

So back to the
summer issue (whirs)

if we're gonna go
towards bathing suits

(pencil sharpener whirs)

I was thinking of a
board... (whirring)

Dennis, I think it's sharp now.

- Sharp enough to
stab me in the back?

- Alright, my office.

Keep brainstorming.

- If we stop working,
are you gonna tell?

- But we have so
much work to do!

- Maya!

- No.

- You stole Trump's gift idea!

- Not true, I used
it as a benchmark.

- No, you didn't.

You outbid him on the lighter,
and then you gave it to him!

- Dennis, Dennis, grow up.

You told me about
the perfect gift,

it was still on the market, we
both knew I was gonna buy it.

- I didn't!

And now my friends
will never trust me again!

- But I doubled my trust in you,

so you see, it all evens out.

- No, it doesn't even out!

You can't fast-talk
your way out of this one.

- Come on, Mya.

I mean, Dennis.

Aren't you being
a little dramatic?

- Don't tell me I'm being
dramatic 'cause you weren't there.

- I don't know what you
guys are talkin' about.

- Trump is furious at me.

He took away my
personal phone line

Because he doesn't
trust me anymore.

- Hey, there's gotta be some way

we can straighten this out...

- Forget it, you're out!

You broke the code, Dennis.

You broke the code.
- Don't you say that.

Broke the code! Don't say that.

- [All] Broke the code!
- [Dennis] Stop it!

- [All] Broke the code!
- [Dennis] Stop it!

- [All] Broke the code!

- Come on, they didn't chant it.

- All right, I
made that part up,

but it was still humiliating!

- What do you want me to do?

- Nothing.

You know, you and I had a
code, but we don't anymore.

I can never trust you again.

Broke the code.

Broke the code!

Broke the code!
- Alright, I get it!

Broke the code!
- Alright!

- Mm, this wine is excellent.

And I love your apartment.

- Oh, thanks.

- And this dip.

- Calm down, honey,
they already like us.

- So, should we leave soon?

- Now I'm getting nervous.

It's our first time.

- Your first time?

- You know,

a club might not be the
best place for beginners.

- Really, why not?

- Well, they're crowded,

and frankly, there are
some real showboats.

It can be a little intimidating.

- Oh, now see.

I was afraid of that.

- Yeah, our first
time was in our home

with a small group of people.

Remember how the dog
kept jumping on everyone?

- Our little Jack Russell.

- So, why don't we stay here?

- Yeah, I don't want to
make a fool of myself.

I hear it can get
pretty complicated.

- Oh, honey, only if you let it.

- Well, I'm gonna
need to stretch,

'cause I pulled a
muscle at the gym.

- Oh, I'm cool, I take yoga.

- Jackpot.

- Still here?

- What else am I gonna do?

I got no place to hang
and no friends to hang with.

- Want to have dinner with me?

- Like I said, I
have no friends.

- I see.

Well, then, good night.

- Good night.

Elevator's over there.

- Dennis, I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened.

Every year this birthday
stuff makes me crazy,

and I just went too far.

I got so caught up in impressing
someone I don't care about

I ended up hurting someone I do.

- You just read
that off a post-it.

- Hey, this is very
important to me.

I didn't want to mess it up.

- Whatever.

- Dennis, what if I
go down to your bar

and personally apologize?

- Won't make any difference.

- What if I told them I forced
you to break your code?

- They'll still hate me.

- What if I give each
of them $1,000?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ Who didn't break the code

- Is this enough room?

- You tell me.

- Usually we work
around the furniture.

- So, should we
put on some music?

- Not too loud, though,

or else my neighbors
will bang on the ceiling.

- Well, we'll be
banging on the floor.

- Yeah, girlfriend.

- Mm, you smell
like strawberries.

- Oh, thanks.

- You know, Maya is very sexy.

- Uh, yeah, thanks.

- She really seems
like a lot of fun.

- Oh, yeah, she is.

- Does my wife have
a sweet ass or what?

- Excuse me?

- She really
maintained her figure.

I guarantee you're going
to enjoy having sex with her.

(romantic music)

- Isn't this a little too slow?

- It's all about the mood.

- And the mood is getting rude.

- Maya, I'd like to talk
to you in the bedroom.

- I want to get some
shoes with better traction.

- Oh, yeah!

- Remember, Ben, pace yourself.

Pace yourself.

- Honey, I'm not sure we
chose our new friends wisely.

- Oh, sweetie, they're not
gonna laugh at your dancing.

- No, Maya, they're swingers.

- I think the term
is swing dancers.

- No, no, the term is
horny couple seeks same.

- You think these people
wanna have sex with us?

- Quite badly, I'm
almost positive.

- Oh, I see what's going on.

It's sad, really.

You're spent so much time
in your sleazy jet-set world

you can't even recognize
nice, normal people.

- What, Maya.

- No, you do what you wanna do.

I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna learn something
new, have a little fun.

We give them a half an hour,

they do whatever they gotta do,

and then we'll see if they
wanna go swing dancing.

(swing music)