Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Pirate of Love - full transcript

Dennis runs into Adrianne and upon learning that she thinks of him decides to try and get back together with her. Jack is selling cookies that his daughter is selling at her school and is "...

(upbeat music)

- You have the
most adorable ear.

- Come on, we're not
supposed to do this at work.

- Sorry, you're right

- No, wait.

I mean, that's why it's exciting

It's forbidden.

Aww (chuckling)

Oh, that's more like it.

Hey, why don't we
sneak into the studio?

- Elliot might be in there.

- Finch!


- Maya!

- Finch, you are sick.

Nina, you should take him to
one of your sexaholic meetings.

- Sexaholic.

Wait, you like go
to those meeting?

Wait, they really
have those meeting...

Wait, are there other
women at these meetings?

- First, I only go because
my new boyfriend

is the therapist
who runs the group.

I mean, it's not like
I have a problem.

Although, having
constant sex with him

really helps my self
esteem, at least for a while.

Then, of course,
the darkness returns.


- Hey, that sounds
like a great cause.

Maybe I should
volunteer my time.

You know, give something back.

- Ha!

Forget about it.

- Come on, take me there.

I can make coffee, answer
phones, organize a lotion cart.

- No way.

- Take me.

- No.

- Take me, take me, take me!

- Oh God, now you
sound like one of them.

- Good people of
Blush, gather 'round.

Dennis has an
announcement to make, Dennis

- Okay, due to a slow
down in the economy,

the following
people will be laid off.

- No.

Nothing to worry about, folks.

That's next Tuesday's, Finch.

The cookies.

- Yes.

As you know, Jack's
lovely daughter, Hannah,

attends the Woodbridge
Academy; and again this year we will

be selling cookies to
raise money for the school.

- Of course, buying cookies
is completely voluntary,

so no pressure, Dennis.

- Everyone here starts off

with a little sad face
next to their name.

But once you buy five
boxes of cookies, presto,

it turns into a smiley face.

- Now this chart is for
bookkeeping purposes only.

I'll hardly even notice it.

Eye level, please.

- [Dennis] Yeah.

- Jack, your story of
the suffering children

has touched my heart.

Please allow me to
be the first to contribute.

Will you take a check?

- Dennis.

- Uh, cash for you, deadbeat.

- Can you put it
on my phone bill?

- No.

- Well, anyway, it
really touched my heart.

- I'm sorry, but I think
this whole thing is wrong.

- What's the problem, pumpkin?

- I'll tell you what
the problem is,

you're bullying your
staff into buying cookies.

- Come on.

Nobody's bullying anybody.

- Dad, a chart with
everyone's names?

Frowny faces, happy smiles?

It's pure intimidation.

- That's absurd.

Who here thinks
I'm intimidating?

Well, answer me!

(upbeat music)

- Hi, I'd like to order
a custom teddy bear.

It's a present for
someone special.

Okay, it has to be
holding a camera.

Oh, and is it possible
that it could be bald?

Oh, call you back.

Hi sweetie.

- Hi.

- Hi what?

- Um, hi there.

- Sweetie, that's what
we call each other.

- Ah, see I didn't know that.

- I didn't know that...
- Sweetie.

- There you go.

- So what was the last
time you had a boyfriend?

- You mean a
boyfriend, boyfriend?

- Never mind.

- Oh, um, I thought
we would have dinner

with my friend
Donna tomorrow night.

Is that okay?

- Oh, sure.

Isn't Donna the one you
went to Cancun with last year?

- Yeah, until she
dumped me all week

for some guy she
picked up and left me

with no partner
for the talent show.

I had to do "Who's
on First," all by myself.

- We're having dinner
with her because...

- Because she broke
up with her boyfriend.

- Ah, poor thing.

So I guess we'll make
out in front of her.

- Oh yeah.

You can even grope a little.

(knocking at door)

- [Dennis] Delivery, open up.

- Hi.

- Alright Elliot, here you go;

six boxes of
Choco-latta Bang Bangs.

- Great.

- If I could just get
you to sign here,

we'll get that frown
turned upside-down for you.

- Why don't you stick around,
we'll crack open a box?

- I'd love too, pal, I got a
few more stops to make.

Pink one's yours.

You guys have a good one, now.

- Thanks.

- You know, Elliot,
I'm not buying cookies.

- Huh?

Oh, yeah, I heard about
your intimidation speech.

Good for you, Maya.

- I was thinking good for us.

- What do you mean?

- I mean we're a team
now, me and you, right?

- So nobody on the team
gets to eat the cookies?

- No, it's not
about the cookies,

it's about my father
making people throw cash

at a school for rich kids.

Do you know what
they're raising money for?

A new chandelier
for the dining hall.

A new chandelier!

- That's terrible!

- I know it seems
like a little thing,

but it's really important to
me, and it would mean a lot

if you would back
me up; as my sweetie.

- Okay.

I kind of really
like the cookies,

if that counts for anything.

- Yeah, it doesn't.

(upbeat music)

- The thing to remember is,

it's not wrong to
have sexual desires.

- That's him, that's my guy.

- But we have to
express those desires

at appropriate times and places.

Where was I?

Anyway, let's hear
from the group.

- My apartment's
four blocks away.

- What's wrong with right here?

- Well, I guess I'd
like to say something.

- That's weird, she
sounds like my ex-wife.

- Hi, my name is Adrienne,
and I'm a sex addict.

- [Group] Hi Adrienne.

- Oh my God!

- Wow, it even looks like her.

- It is her, moron.

- The thing is I
have this fantasy,

and I can't get it
out of my head.

It's kind of becoming
like an obsession.

I'm sorry, this
isn't easy for me.

- Please, take your time.

We're all here for you.

- Well, it sounds really silly.

See, in my fantasy, there's a
man dressed like a buccaneer.

He slips into my bedroom
where I'm wearing a skimpy nighty,

we tear off each other's
clothes, and have sweaty,

passionate sex over
and over and over.

- [Man] Not helping.

- Sir, please.

- I can't get it out of my mind.

I don't know what to do.

- Sometimes fantasies
reflect our inner conflicts.

Who do you suppose
the buccaneer represents?

- Well, that's the wildest part.

I know exactly who it is.

- It's a pirate, she just said.

- Shh.

- It's my ex-husband.


- Madam, please.

(upbeat music)

- I can't believe
Adrienne's a sex addict.

- You never saw the signs
when you were married?

- No.

I mean sure, we had sex,
but she was never that into it.

You know, sometimes she
even pretended to be asleep.

Which, of course,
made it even hotter.

- So when are you gonna do it?

- Do what?

- Do what?

Dress up as Blackbeard,
sneak into her apartment,

and fulfill her fantasy.

- Look, we all have fantasies.

I have one where I think
Jack is my real father,

and I get to eat
dinner at his house.

Do I really want it to happen?

No, I have my own stupid father.

- Don't you want to
get Adrienne back?

- I'll do it my own way;
psychic mind messages.

- Look, nothing
captures a woman's heart

like a grand romantic gesture.

I remember once
my second husband

was out of town on business,

so I paid a surprise visit
to my friend Lauren Hutton.

So I ring the bell, and who
answers the door but my husband,

stark naked, with
a rose in his teeth.

How he knew I'd drop by,
I will never know, I just...

- Uh, I think I'll
explain that one later.

- Dennis.

- Holy crap.

- Hi Nina.

- Hello, dear.

- Why are you here?

- Well I'm doing a
shoot here tomorrow,

and I don't want it to be
weird, so I thought I would just,

you know, stop by
first and say hello.

- Oh, well, you two probably
want to talk in pirate...


- It's been a while.

- Yeah.

- For you, too?

Oh, yeah, right.

- So what's new?

- Not much, grew
a quarter of an inch.

Doctors are baffled.


- I don't know.

I got new drapes.

- Oh, nice.

- Oh, and I might be in a movie.

- Wow, so much is
happening to the both of us.

You with your movie,
me with my growth spurt.

It's like all of our
fantasies are coming true.

Or are they?

- What are you doing?

- Cookie?

- Anyway, they
need me for a fitting.

You know, I keep thinking we
should get together some time.

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean I kinda miss
how you used to crack me up.

Like that silly
humping thing you did

when you thought I was asleep.


- That was good.

We had some fun times.

That's good stuff.

- She wants you.

- I think she might.

- Might?

God, first she
fantasizes about you,

then she drops by to say hello.

Now she wants to get together?

- Okay, okay, well what do I do?

- Okay, okay;
first thing's first.

Where are we gonna
find you a pirate costume?

- My closet.

I have one left over from
my figure skating days.

Although, should I
snip off the tassles?

(cheerful music)

- Elliot, there you are.

I just got an extra shipment

of semi-sweet
Choco-latta Bang Bangs.

Can I put you down
for, say 10 more boxes?

- Sorry, Jack, I don't think so.

In fact, I need to return
the ones I already bought.

- But you love these cookies.

- It's just that Maya
and I were talking, and...

- Oh, now I get it.

- No, no, no, no, no;
this was my decision.

- I understand.

Too bad, though.

They're even better this year.

- Really?

- Mmm hmm,

I think they put something in
them to boost the bang bang.

Oh, here it is; more sugar.

Try one.

- No, no thanks.

- Right, wouldn't
want to get in trouble.

- I wouldn't get in trouble,
it's just that Maya and I;

we're a team now.

- I'm only teasing.

- What are you doing?

- It had a hairline crack.

I have such an abundance,

I don't have to eat
any that aren't perfect.

Chipped edge.

So, on this team;
are you the bitch?

- What the hell does that mean?

- Nothing.

I wish I were man enough to
do exactly what my wife told me,

but I'm not, so I'm stuck
with doing what I want.

Oh well.

- You don't think
I do what I want?

- Didn't you hear
my bitch comment?

- I do what I want.

(military drumming)

- So Donna, my sweetie and I

are so looking forward
to seeing you and...

- Maya,

I can do what I want.

- Donna, hold on.

You know what I want?

I want to take you
to my apartment,

rip off all of your clothes,

pour warm honey
all over your body,

and lick it off inch

by inch.

(military drumming)

- Jack.

- Meow.

(whipping noise)

- Right, thank you.

(military drumming)

(upbeat music)

(spooky music)

- Aaargh!


(knocking on door)


Stupid Nina, idiot.

- [Steve] So what time do
you have to get up tomorrow?

- [Adrienne] Actually,
I can sleep in.

- Great, why don't
you do it on top of me?

- Oh Steve.


Hey, did you
leave the lights on?

- I don't think so.

- It's such a nice night.

- Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Funniest thing happened today

while we were
raiding this crack den.

Turns out we broke
into the wrong house.

- Oh my God, not again.

- I know; bitch slapped
this guy half dead

before we finally
figured it out.

- Steve.

- Eh, what are you gonna do?

Door's stuck.

- Hey, have you
seen my slippers?

- Maybe under the bed?

(spooky music)

- Nothing there.

- Anyway, knocking the
door down, I don't know,

I kinda threw my shoulder out.

Is there any chance I could get

one of your special back rubs?

- Oh yeah, I have
massage oil in the bathroom.

- Thanks, honey.

- Ooh.

(spooky music)

Alright, now let me just
find something to slip into.

Oh my God!

- What?

- I thought I left
this in Jamaica.

- Wow, that is hot.

- Oh, maybe I should
slip into it right now.


- Maybe you should take it

to one of your
sexaholic meetings.

- Those people are so weird.

I know it's great
research for the movie,

but pretending to
have an obsession

is starting to creep me out.


- What the hell was that?

- What was what?

Steve, you are so jumpy.

You need to relax.

- I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

(fabric ripping)

Who's that?

(upbeat music)

- Jack, I've got cash.

How many boxes will this buy.

- What is this?

- A rolled up hundred.

I found it in my
hollowed out Bible.

- Praise the Lord.

Nearly perfect, Maya.

Happy faces everywhere,
except for one frowny face,

and one sissy boy.

- Sissy boy?

At least he stood up to you.

Take another look
at that chart, dad.

It shows that there's
only one man in this office

with the courage to
stick to his convictions,

to do what's right, to act
with dignity and self-respect.

- If you say so.

- I do say so.


- It's okay, I didn't buy 'em.

They're from the garbage.

- Alright, we'll take one box.

- Mmm.

(upbeat music)

- So, did you sail
the high seas?

- Shut up, I'm never
gonna listen to you again.

- What happened?

- She brought home
her crazy cop boyfriend,

that's what happened.

- Ooh, and did you
keep an open mind?

- I could have gone to
jail, I almost got killed.

Plus my hat is in tatters.

- I can fix that.

- I doubt it, it's
not on a seam.

- Look, the important thing

is that you just put
all of this behind you.

- Dennis!

- If you can.

- What the hell were
you doing last night?

- Um.

- He was with me.

- Where?

- Alright, Finch did it.

He's a madman.

I begged him not to, but...
- Nina!

- I mean, he was at
my house having dinner.

That was a close one.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- I see, then how
do you explain this?

A dry cleaning ticket
for one pirate cape

with your name on it.

- Hey, I love your new drapes.

- Dennis, I can't believe you.

How did you know about
that pirate thing, anyway?

Are you stalking
me, you little pervert?

- Pervert?

How dare you.

I was at that meeting to
prey on desperate women.

- How dare me?

How dare you, you
hid in my bedroom.

- How dare you, invoking my
name in your crazy fantasies

without my expressed
written permission.

- That's the lamest
thing I ever heard.

- Yeah?

Well, stick around, baby.

- You've gone too far this time.

I'm calling Steve.

- You have no proof,
he can't arrest me.

- He can break your legs
and dump you in an alley.

- I hope he does,

'cause I'll sue the city
and be a millionaire.

- Dennis.

- How dare you!

- Just listen.

I know what you were
trying to do last night,

but there is no chance of us
getting back together again.

- Yeah, I know.

I just miss you, you know?

And I think about you, and...

Never mind, I'm sorry.

- Well, you should be.

- Well, I am.

Do you think we
can still be friends?

- Well, if you promise to never,

never do something
like that again.

- I promise.


- [Dennis Voiceover]
This feels so right.

It can't be over.

Some day we'll
look back and know

this is the moment when
our romance really started.

- [Adrienne Voiceover] Ooh,
Choco-latta Bang Bangs.

(upbeat music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what
I'm gonna do, 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you