Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 15 - Tea & Secrecy - full transcript

- [Narrator] Previously
on Just Shoot Me...

- I wanna work in New York,

so we can, you
know, be together.

- Wow, I don't know what to say.

You are so sweet.

- Hey, Elliot.

What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong.
Everything's right.

Kaylene is changing
her life for me.

- You look all clammy.

- SHe's gonna want
me to change my life



and I don't want to.

I love my life.

I love sleeping on the diagonal.

I love having a room
just for my berets.

- Hey, you don't
have to convince me.

Being single rocks.

- Yes, it rocks.

- No one to tell you what to do.

- You can do whatever you want.

- Whenever you want.

- Whoever you want.

(audience laughs)

- Wrong, you and me is wrong.

- Oh, you're right. Wrong!



- It was wrong before.

- It's still wrong. Very wrong.

- You slept with me because
you have a commitment problem.

You used me.

- Oh, please. Please.

You used me because
you're tired of going home

to your lifetime channel
and your soup for one.

- Okay, no more talking.

- Maya, are you alright?

- Yes, of course.

I lost my damn passport and
when I find it I'm out of here.

- Maybe we should
talk in here, Kaylene.

- So, what's going on?

- This is so hard.

Okay, you're
terrific. No question

but when I imagine myself
with someone special,

I'm imagining someone else.

- [Kaylene] Wait a second,

you're leaving me
for another woman?

(rock music)

- [Radio] Awaken sinners!

Wake up before it's too late.

God sees you drinkin'
and fornicatin'...

- What the hell?

- I don't know. Last
week that was hot jazz.

Wow, I have a boyfriend.

- What?

You're telling me this now?

- No, it's you, you dope.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

(laughs)

- Oh man.

When we walk into work
today and tell everyone

it's going to blow their minds.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
we can't tell anyone.

- Why not?

- Well, lots of reasons.

- Such as?

- Your dad.

- Oh, come on, what
is he gonna say?

- Well, you first came
to Blush He said,

"You go near my
daughter and I'll fire you,"

so he might say, "You're fired."

- He really said that?

- Uh-huh.

- I hope you told
him to get lost.

- Oh, come on.
- Elliot!

- He's my boss.

Plus you were all
broken out that week.

- It was a new
job, I was nervous.

- So, we're agreed then?

We won't tell anybody
especially your dad?

- Are you kidding?

I'm not gonna let
him push us around.

In fact, I am
gonna tell him first.

In fact, I'm gonna
call him right now.

- No, Maya, Maya,
Maya, please, no

or we wait a few months

and then we tell them,

so when we do tell them
he knows we're serious.

I'm almost positive
that's the best plan.

- Alright

but we can still tell
Finch and Nina, right?

Because man we're
gonna blow their minds.

- If anybody finds out you
know its gonna get back to Jack.

- Okay. You're right.

- Wait a second.

They still think
I'm on vacation,

so when I walk in there today,

I'm still gonna
blow their minds.

- You know,

this is a very
interesting side of you.

- Okay, now, to avoid suspicion,

we're not gonna be able
to be affectionate at work.

- Mhm. All right.

Well, you might wanna
cover up that giant hickey.

- What? Where?

Oh no, is it bad?

- It's not that bad,
it's not that bad,

just make sure
you keep it covered.

- How?

- I don't know.

Duct tape and
beer coaster maybe.

(guitar music)

- Cheese me.

There's breakfast and lunch.

- Hey,

have you guys tried
these chug worth iced teas?

- You said they
taste like aluminum.

- Sure, there's a
certain metallic twang

but they make up for it

with these hilarious
jokes under the caps.

Why did the woman
marry the baker?

She was after his dough. Ha!

- So, why is that funny?

- Well, most of them are better.

- Hey, Kevin!

What does your cap say?

- Chug worthy.

- The other side.

- You in a fanny pack.

- Ha! Fanny pack.

I don't get it.

- It's a contest, a
joke means you lose.

- Oh really? You mean
I've been losing every time?

That just doesn't seem fair.

- Well, if it's any consolation,

you're a multi-millionaire
with 10 cars and a child bride.

(audience laughs)

- I guess.

- Mm. Aluminum.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Dennis, has
Maya's date called?

- Oh, Carl?

Yeah, here.

He said to tell you,

"He couldn't imagine seeing
anymore of your daughter."

- Aww. Oh.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, do you want me to
try another dating service?

- Forget it.

I've already devoted
way too much time to this.

We got a deadline in three days

and I've got a mountain of
work waiting for me in there.

- Should I cancel your facial?

- Dennis,

you gotta stop
and smell the roses.

(audience laughs)
- Hey, Finch,

could you schedule
a facial for me, too?

- Yeah, I guess I could
squeeze you in after Jack.

(audience laughs)

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Huh? Huh?

I'm supposed to be
in France, remember?

- Oh, yeah.

- Huh?

- So, what happened?

- Well, instead of going
on my vacation this week,

I decided to wait a few months.

Don't ask me why.

- He-he, don't worry.

- Hey guys.

- Hey there.

Good morning Elliot.

I'm preparing some copy for you,

it should be completed
by Tuesday afternoon.

- All right. Thanks.

- When will the
accompanying photos be ready

as I need to write the captions.

- Careful or the
humans will hear us.

(audience laughs)

- What's so funny?

- Apparently she has not
received her emotion chip.

- Perhaps it has been too
long since her last servicing.

- Elliot.

- (growls) Boy
toy at 12 o'clock.

- Hey Nina, keep
your voice down.

I mean, god, he's hot.

- If you go for that type.

- Oh, I do.

Wouldn't it be great to bounce
a quarter off those buns?

- Notice her fluid simulation
of a sexual female...

- Dude, that's over.

(audience laughs)

- What's wrong with you?

- Me?

- Yeah, why did you
make fun of me before?

"Look at Maya, she's a loser."

- I didn't mean it.

I was purposefully not
being too nice to you

to protect our secret.

What about you
ogling the delivery guy?

- Well, you deserved it.

- You said some
stuff about his buns.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm the one with
the nice buns.

I've got the buns.

- Yes, I know. Yes.

See, we're clearly
cover compensating

so as not to appear
too lovely dovey

and it's making us
mad at each other.

- All right. I mean we
can be friendly at the office

as long as we're
careful not to go too far.

- Yes, exactly.

Like we could pat
each other on the back,

just not stroke
each other's arms.

- We can pick something
off the other person's sweater

but not brush her
hair out of her face.

- That would be going too far.
- Right.

As would this.

(whistling)

- What?

- That is what a french kiss is.

Good luck with the article.

(guitar music)

- So, you and Elliot.

Well, I must say, I am shocked.

- Oh, yeah. One mind blown.

- But the copy room?

Show some class.

Now the supply closet
has an air mattress

and a boom box.

- Nina, Nina,

no one else can
find out about this.

- Oh, please, we might
as well tell my dad.

She can't keep a secret.

- I can too.

Well, maybe not this one.

- Nina, I swear to god,

if you tell a soul I will tell

the entire staff your real age.

- You don't know my real age.

Your secret will go
with me to my grave.

- Hey, what's up?

- Making copies.
- Getting pens.

- Don't really care.

- Me too. Pens and
perhaps pencils.

- Hold on.

You know something.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

You're twitching.

- Can't a girl have a twitch?

- That's an I got an
itch to snitch twitch.

- And who are you? Dr. Seuss?

- Okay, I can tell
it's something good,

so I'll give you
something first.

You know the night janitors?

They all have wives named Lois.

- So?

- So, there's like
eight of them.

Am I the only one
who finds that weird?

- Hey.

I've been looking
everywhere for you people.

Check it out!

I won a skateboard.

- Jack. Nina knows something.

- No, she doesn't.

- Oh and now I
know it involves you.

- Nina, you know my
rule about office gossip.

It's gotta go through me first.

- Yeah, so spill it baby.

(suspenseful music)

- Finch was born with a tail.

- Nina, nice try.

Come on people.

If she's not gonna tell
us, she won't tell us.

Let's go.

(audience laughs)

- Ha-ha.

- Ha-ha.

- Hey, Nina.

I've got to ask you something.

- Give it up Finch, I
don't know any secret

and even if I did,

and believe me, it's a doozy,

you'd be the last
person I'd tell.

- All right, I have an offer.

$10 and an article about
how a rabbit called 911.

- Oh forget it

But wait, how
did a rabbit dial...

- Ahh-da-da.

- Well who cares anyway.

(mysterious music)

(audience laughing)

- Oh my god, these
two are doing it!

- Shut up Finch.

- I knew it first!
I knew it first!

- Okay, well to start,
so many questions.

Well, I think the first
question on America's mind is

are they real?

(whispering)

You're right, what's
the difference?

Either way they're splendid.

- Don't you have
anything better to do?

- Oh, I guess I
know who's on top.

- And I know who
sleeps with his socks on.

- Maya?

- I had to give
her one little detail

to keep her mouth shut.

- Yeah, so mind your own
business, Mr. Drools on His Pillow.

- Anyway, now we might
as well just tell my dad.

- Maya, no.

- She's right. I wanna tell him.

- I'm the official spy.

- Nobody's telling him.

- That seems unlikely.

- He's not gonna fire you
besides it's a moot point,

the cat's out of the bag.

- We don't know that.

Maybe the cat's
still in the bag.

Maybe the cat likes it in there

so let's just forget
about the cat

and maybe the cat will
never know that we're dating.

- Well, I'm confused, what cat?

(clears throat)

- Meow.

Well it sounds like we
have something to talk about.

- Well, I hope you're happy.

Now he's gonna fire me and
use his contacts to black bone me

and I'm gonna end up taking
pictures of babies at Sears.

Smile for Elliot, you
fat little blob of spit up.

- Don't be such a wuss.

Come on.

Well, now you know.

We didn't plan it
but we're together.

What do you think of that?

- Sir.

- Well, I'm a little
upset you felt you had

to hide it from me.
- Here it comes.

- But other than that,
if you two are happy,

I'm happy.

- Oh, really?

Really?

- So, you're not gonna fire me?

- Fire you?

- Yeah, you said if he
dated me you would fire him.

- Oh, that was years ago

but now you guys
are close friends,

you know each other,
you trust each other.

That seems like a healthy
way to start things off.

So, I say, good for you.

- Hey Jack, your
wife's on the phone,

she forgot the security
code to your apartment.

- What is so tricky
about the number five?

(audience laughs)

- Man, I am relieved.
I am so relieved.

Is that your look of relief?

God, I got so much
to learn about you.

I gotta admit,

I didn't think it
would be that easy.

- Oh, poof,

I coulda sold
tickets to that show.

- What?

- Boy, he is very good.

- And kind.

- No, don't you see?

He couldn't come out
and say how he really feels.

He's playing some
sort of game with us,

probably to divide us.

- I don't think so.

- Oh, you see?

We're at each other's throats.

- We're hardly at each others...

- We are! We are at
each other's throats.

- All right. If you say so.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Smile for Elliot.

- What?

- So,

are you two in love?

- Quiet.

- Are you two in love?

- Finch, you're such a baby.

- So, are you gonna have babies?

- You know,

I too have had my
share of office romances,

some last, some don't but
if you both act like adults

then no one has to get hurt.

Unless of course he's afraid
to leave his shrew of a wife.

- Okay. Let's get started.

First we need to discuss a
theme for next month's issue.

- Speaking of issues,

I just wanted to let you know

that Elliot and I will be
leaving early on Friday

to drive up state to Lake
George for the weekend.

- Maya, what are you doing?

- Fine, it's gonna
be more than fine.

Elliot and I, alone in
the wood for two nights.

It's gonna be fine and dandy.

- Anyway, if we could get
back to next month's issue.

- Oh, changing the subject?

I guess I hit a sore spot.

- Honestly, I'm just trying
to get the meeting started.

We can gab about you
and Elliot if you want.

I mean, after all,

40% of the people
sitting at this table

are dating each other.

- 40%, Jack, sweetheart,

there are only 5 of us here.

- How could you do this to me?

- Do what?

- Be so damn understanding.

- Excuse me?

- Don't you realize
that by dating Elliot

I could be making the
biggest mistake of my life?

- Excuse me?

- Look at him. He's a
compulsive womanizer.

Finch, how many
woman has he slept with?

- Hundred.
- Finch!

- Thousand?

- You see?

While you're
sitting here talking

about your precious
little magazine,

I have become 1,001.

- Maya.

- Well, it looks like only 3%

of us are interested in working.

(audience laughs)

- What the hell are you doing?

You humiliated me out there.

Biggest mistake of your life?

- I don't think that.

- Then why?

- But he should.

I mean, objectively
you're a terrible choice

for a boyfriend.

- Yeah, you
mentioned that recently.

(audience laughs)

- All my friends think
you're a mistake.

- They do?

- Well yes, baby.

I've been trashing
you for three years,

they'll come around.

- You know, I don't
get it. I don't get it.

First you're mad
because you know,

you think that he's
trying to break us up

and now you're
made because he isn't.

- Okay, look.

My whole life my father
has hated every guy I've

ever been with.

That's the way I know
he's looking out for me.

- Oh, Maya.

- And if he doesn't
say anything about you,

someone with
such obvious faults,

it makes me feel like he
doesn't care about me.

- Maybe he thinks
we'll break up so fast,

what's the point
of arguing about it?

- I hope so.

- Really? They're going out?

- Heard it here first.

- Wow.

People are pairing up
left and right around here.

Who do you think
will be next? Nina?

(audience laughs)

- You are this close.

- You wanted to see me?

- You bet I did.

Close the door.

Sit.

- Maya, I've tried
to be a good trooper,

I've tried not to meddle
but the more I think about it

the more I realize I
have to say what I feel.

- Which is?

- You know I like
Elliot very much

but you dating him
is a bad, bad idea.

- Really?

- You said it yourself,

he's a skirt chaser
who has bailed out

on every serious
relationship he's had in his life.

He's not good enough for you,

not for my daughter.

- Oh yeah?

Well you just stay
the hell out of my life.

(audience laughs)

And I mean it.

(door slams)

- Is that what you wanted?

- Perfect. Thanks Jack.
- You're welcome.

You do realize if
you break her heart,

you'll be taking
pictures at Sears?

(applause)

♪ Life keeps bring
me back to you

♪ Keeps bring me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ Cuz it's got
the mark of a tall

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you