Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 11 - Prescription for Love - full transcript

When Elliot brings his new girlfriend to the office, Maya's expecting another dumb blonde. But when he reveals her to be a doctor, she's amazed. Eventually Maya lets it slip that Elliot ...

(upbeat instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

- Morning troops!

(audience laughing)

Poppy seed, huh.

(exasperated sigh)

(audience laughing)

- Morning.

- Morning Jack.

- Morning.

I'm just gonna put my
briefcase in my office

and then we'll get
the meeting started.

Where's Dennis?

- Here's a pencil
for your meeting.

- Oh beat me in again, your
new place must be really close.

- Yeah, I just roll out
of bed and I'm here.

(audience laughing)

- I'm so sorry I'm late.

My friend Benny
and I had a huge fight.

Her new fiance just
moved into the apartment

and apparently
now there are rules

about smoking
near his oxygen tent.

- Alright, let's get started.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah.

Uh, Jack it's your
insurance agent.

- Yawn, not here.

- Okay, new story idea,
sex and the internet.

- Ooh.

- Recent appellate
court decisions.

- Ooh.

(audience laughing)

I'd better take that call.

(audience laughing)

- Poor Maya, once again
you've embarrassed yourself.

(audience laughing)

- What's with he slippers?

- Calm down,
they're not real fur.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hey Maya, I know
this is kind of last minute

but do you have plans tonight?

- Oh, Elliot I'm
really flattered

but I thought we agreed
that we weren't going to date.

Oh I'm sorry.

There's no need
to be embarrassed.

- I'm not.

- Good for you.

- See someone gave
me tickets to the Lion King

and my new girlfriend
has already seen it.

- Oh.

- There's no need
to be embarrassed.

- So who is it, another model?

- I'm not sure that's
any of your business.

- Oh so it is a model.

Let's see, she's got to
be from this month's issue

because you've
dated all the old ones.

Could it be page 24 or page 48?

- You know Maya
this is really insulting.

Just please, please,
just close the magazine.

- I'm sorry.

- It's her.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Elliot, hi!

- Kaylene!

- Oh look, it's
Elliot's new cover girl.

Gosh, I bet she's bright.

Hi, I'm a skinny model.

Do you like my purse?

It's smarter than I am.

(audience laughing)

- Hi there Finch, can
you give me a spanking?

(audience laughing)

Wait, what are we playing?

- Maya, Finch, this is Kaylene.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Hello.

- Charmed I'm sure.


- We gotta get going.

Kaylene and I are catching
the Rangers game tonight.

- Yup, we'll be eating hot
dogs and screaming for blood

with the rest of the hoi polloi.

- Actually hoi polloi
means the elite

so I doubt they'll be
at the Ranger game.


- Uh doesn't hoi polloi
mean common people?

- Well I speak a little
French and I'm quite sure

it means elite.

- Actually hoi polloi is Greek.

Hoi meaning the and
polloi meaning many.

- Gosh Kaylene, how
did you know that?

Could it be you
picked up a little Greek

while in medical school?

(audience laughing)

- You're a doctor?

- It's a good thing she's
here, you look kind of sick.

- Did I hear right?

Our cover girl's a doctor?

- Well just an intern.

The modeling pays my school.

- At a little school called Yale

where she finished
first in her class.

What, you brought it up.

- A beautiful model
dedicated to saving lives.

Maya, do you smell a story?

- Maybe if she fell down a well.

(audience laughing)

- Jack Gallo, a
pleasure to meet you.

- Thank you.

Everyone in your
magazine is so friendly.

- Well maybe you just
bring out the best in us.


So Maya, what do you think?

You're always saying
we should stop talking

about womens' bodies
and talk about their brains.

So how do you keep
your tummy so flat?

(audience laughing)

- I'm sure the good doctor
doesn't have time to eat.

- Oh no, I eat like
a horse (laughing).

Luckily my apartment is
five miles from the hospital

so I run to work everyday.

- And she runs.

- Well we should get going.

- No!

Oh I mean, so long.

(audience laughing)

- Jack, your wife on line two.

- I'll take it in my office.

- Jack, this way.

- Thank you Dennis.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(audience laughing)


- Stop screaming!

- You stop screaming, my
God you have a tight little body.

- I work out.

- Alright, let's just calm down.

- What are you doing here?

- My friend Benny and I
had a fight about her fiance

and she threw me out.

What about you?

- I'm in between apartments
since my ex-wife passed away.

- She's not dead.

- It's a coping strategy!

My doctor said it's fine!

- Well I won't tell Jack
that you're living here

if you don't tell him I am.

You know he thinks
of me as this together,

on-top-of-it super
woman and if he were

to discover the
truth it would kill him.

- Yes, we should watch that.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'll see
you in the morning.

- Thanks, good night.

(audience laughing)

- Hmm, it's like looking at
a young Nadia Comaneci.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Kaylene, there you are!

Are you ready for the interview?

- Wait, she's helping
me with the crossword

and my God, is she good.

- Oh really, you know I'm
pretty good at those myself.

- Oh okay, Italian scientist
who discovered fission.

Five letters.

- Italian scientist.

- Fermi.

So Maya, I had a couple
of thoughts for the article.

- Oh I didn't know we were
just blurting out the answers,

one more.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, a four letters
ancient Yucatan inhabitant.

- Maya.

- Please I'm thinking.

- No, that's the answer.

An ancient Yucatan
inhabitant is a Maya.

- Oh my God, that's your
own name and you didn't get it.

(audience laughing)

- Trick question, next!

- Kennedy's poet laureate.

- Robert Frost.

- Robert Frost!

Ah I really got you on that one.

Shall we call it a draw?

- Sure.

(audience laughing)

Bye Jack.

- Please, call me Jack.

(audience laughing)

(camera shutter clicking)

- Naked under the coat,
isn't that a bit of a cliche?

- Actually according
to a Blush survey

it's still one of
the top ten ways

for a woman to give
her man a (whistling).

(audience laughing)

- Add a pair of
heels, top three.

- I found the red pumps.

(audience laughing)

- Sorry Jack, we're done here.

- What?

That's absurd.

- Dad, you are starting
to creep me out.

- Well if attention
to detail is a crime

then I'm guilty as charged.

- Alright big guy.

- Hey, why don't you get changed

then we'll go get some dinner.

- Sure.

- So, did you and
Elliot have a good time

at the hockey game last night?

- Oh it was great.

Except Elliot kept explaining
what offsides means.

Please (laughing)
hockey isn't brain surgery

and I should know.

(audience laughing)

- Nor is hockey like
getting a Masters

in journalism from Columbia.

And I should know.

(audience laughing)

Because I have one.

(audience laughing)

- Columbia?

- Uh huh.

- Were you and Elliot
there at the same time?

- Oh no, Elliot didn't
go to Columbia,

he didn't even
finish high school.

- But he told me he
went to Columbia.

- Oh you must've misunderstood.

- Oh no, we had a whole
conversation about it.

I can't believe
he lied, I'm so sick

of guys saying anything
to get me into bed.

I really thought Elliot
was different, what a jerk!

- Kaylene, wait.

- Hey, what do you wanna eat?

- Oh I was thinking that
we could stay at home,

open some wine, and flip
through your Columbia yearbook.

(audience laughing)

- Maya.

- Yes.

- I didn't know
colleges had yearbooks.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Don't spit in there!


- Must you hang those in here?

- There is a breeze
from the vent.

- You know I never had to put up

with any of this at Benny's.

- Yes but you're not at
Benny's anymore are you?

- No.

(audience laughing)

- Oh here we go.

(audience laughing)

- You just have no
idea what it feels like.

- Oh really, my
marriage just fell apart

and now she's dead.

(audience laughing)

- Dennis, I'm so sorry.

- So what are you doing tonight?

- Just thought I'd stay in.

(audience laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

(audience laughing)

- You'll be happy to hear
that Kaylene broke up with me.

So run off and
alphabetize your CDs

or whatever you do to celebrate.

- Oh Elliot, I'm very sorry.

- Sorry it took you so long?

- What?

- You are really
a piece of work.

First you tell me we can't date,

now you don't want
me to date anybody,

especially someone who...

- She's not smarter than me!

(audience laughing)

- Someone who I
could have a future with.

- Oh you were gonna say
smarter but then you changed it.

- Fine, fine, I'll say it now.

She's smarter than you
and you feel threatened.

- Me, I'm not the one who
lied about going to Columbia.

- I didn't lie.

- Oh so what do you call it?

- I started to say that I
went to Columbia for a shoot

but all I got out was
I went to Columbia

and Kaylene seemed so psyched

that I just kinda went with it.

- The point is you lied.

- No the point is is
that you saw me happy

and you had to wreck it!

- You, you, you listen to you!

You're obsessed with me.

- What, you're obsessed with me!

- Oh in your dreams.

In fact I hope that you
and Kaylene get married

and have lots of
smart beautiful children

who lie like crazy.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hey, hey.

Oh I thought I heard Kaylene.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Dennis, maybe we should
get Kaylene a thank you gift.

You know, for doing the
cover and Maya's article,

I was thinking a Blush
mug or a calendar

or a ride in my boat.

(audience laughing)

- How about a T-shirt that
says "I Heart Old Dudes."

(audience laughing)

Or a mug or.

(audience laughing)

(door slamming)

Hey, Nina, check it out.

What say tonight we
give the security guard

a new reason to fall on his ass.


- Can we make spooky sounds?

- Who's gonna stop us?

(phone ringing)


Yeah, it's for you.

- Hello.

Oh I see.

- Is this better?

- Yeah, I-I understand.

- Houdini.

- Alright.

Um, that was Benny, she
says she wants me back.

- Yeah well too
bad for her right.

I said right.

- You see her fiance
uh called off the wedding

and she's all alone and upset.

I'm sure you understand.

- But I spent $17
on scary rubber toys.

(audience laughing)

- Look Dennis, I'm sorry.

- Just go, I don't
need you to have fun!

You were holding me back anyway.

- Hey, hey, whose
idea was it to put

all the staplers
in the refrigerator?

- That was just stupid.

Ooh my stapler's cold.

- Oh you laughed your ass off.

- 'Cause I felt sorry for you.

- Sorry for me?

You're the one who
has nowhere to go.

- Good, go, go home right now!

Right now go, scat.

- You know I can't do that.

- Why not, afraid?

- No, it's 11:00 a.m.

- Oh yeah right.

(audience laughing)

But come five
o'clock (screeching).

(upbeat instrumental music)

- So, what are you
doing after this?

- You mean after I get the
fountain pen out of your nose?

- Yeah, right.

- I'm gonna wash my hands.

- I'm sorry, they said
you wouldn't mind.

He's got a pen up his nose.

(audience laughing)

- It's a mont blanc.

Very expensive, very classy.

(audience laughing)

- I really need to talk to you.

- Here, fill this
medical history out.

Uh, and I want this back.

(audience laughing)

- I think that you should
give Elliot another chance.

- What?


- Because I don't
want to be responsible

for you guys breaking up.

- Well you're
not, he is, he lied.

- But that's because he's
intimidated but I know him.

Elliot is passionate,
creative, and really special.

- Well if you like him so much,

why don't you go out with him.

- Me and Elliot, no, no, no, no.

We tried, I mean we
almost tried, it's a long story.

- Excuse me, I have
to get a nasal probe.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you just go for it?

- What?

- This guy you're talking about.

You're the one who likes him.

- You don't even know me.

- Ah, you're all the same.

(audience laughing)

- Oh that is so typically male.

I suppose you think women
naked under coats is sexy.

- With a pair of red heels?

Yes Ma'am.

(audience laughing)

Look, don't overthink things.

Just take your own advice
and give him a second chance.

Go for it.

- You have a pen
stuck up your nose.

- Do I?

(audience laughing)

Or is it just a great
way to meet women?

(audience laughing)

- So, how are you feeling.

- Oh I'm hanging in there.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?


Nina, who?

Nina the betrayer
so get out of here.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, I know you're busy but

I just wanted to say
that I went to the market

with Benny and I
tried to give her a ride

in the shopping cart
but she just screamed

and zapped me with her stun gun.

It's a good thing I
was wearing rubber.

(audience laughing)

- Get to the point.

- I don't deal
with intimacy well.

Often, but not well.

(audience laughing)

Look I'm trying
to say I'm sorry.

You and I had
something special and I,

I'd like to hold on to it.

- Hey, it's right here lady.

- You know, I'm gonna treat
you differently from now on.

- Me too.

- Except during the
day when I'll continue

to mock your puny physique
and how you never get any sex.

(audience laughing)

- Of course, and don't
expect me to ease up

on the jokes about your
sluttiness and you know glug glug.

(audience laughing)

- Well, anyway.

- [Dennis] Nina.

- Yeah.

- I was thinking of
maybe puttin' butter

on all the door handles,
you wanna help me?

- I'd like that.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Maya, you in here?

- [Maya] Hello Elliot.

Thank you for coming.

- Your message
said it was urgent.

Is everything okay?

- Oh I'll let you be
the judge of that.

(audience laughing)

You know Elliot,
I've been thinking.

And you know what
I've been thinking?

That I think too much.

- [Kaylene] Elliot!

- I'm in here honey, Maya's
going through something.

- What are you doing here?

- Kaylene's giving
me a second chance.

(audience laughing)

Now what's on your mind?

- Oh nothing, you
know I was down

but I feel much better now.

- No, no, no, no.

You were there for
us, we are here for you.

- I know, let's talk
about it over dinner.

Come on.

- Oh no, no, no, I'm not hungry.

- At least a drink.

We'll tell Elliot about the
guy with the pen up his nose.


You know it turns out he
wandered down from the psych ward.

Can you believe it?

- Yes.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat instrumental music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you