Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 4, Episode 10 - Jack Gets Tough - full transcript

A chance encounter with actor Robert Conrad leads Maya to unwittingly expose some lies in her dad's new autobiography.

(acoustic guitar music)


- Wait, who's this, could
it be the brilliant author

of Don't Back Down?

- Guilty as charged.

- I'm so proud of you.

- Please, just a
humble autobiography

of an extraordinary man.

- Translated from the
gibberish by his assistant.

(audience laughs)

- I grabbed the first
copy out of the box

at Brentano's.

And it's just captivating.

- Thank you, Maya, that
means a lot coming from

someone who just got
done trying to kiss my ass.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my god, Jack,
it's better than the Bible.

(audience laughs)

I'm practically on page seven.

(audience laughs)

- I couldn't believe that
chapter about all the fights

you got into when
you were young.

I mean, when I was
little and I said my dad

could beat up your
dad it was actually true.

- Ten pounds, six ounces,
oh Jack, you were quite a fatty.

(audience laughs)

- Anyway, I was
really impressed.

You put the hurt on
some pretty famous

tough guys.

Lee Marvin.

- May he rest in peace.

- Steve McQueen.

- God bless his soul.

- Robert Conrad.

- Gone but not forgotten.

- (chuckles) Dad, he's
not gone or forgotten.

In fact, he's in great shape,

he works out at my gym.

- (nervous chuckle)
Well, I'm glad to hear it.

I'll have to give him a call.

(angrily) You boob,
you assured me Conrad

was dead!

- He has to be, why
else would they cancel

Jake and the Fatman?

- That's William Conrad!

(audience laughs)

Next time get it right.

- (muttering) Next time
write your own book.

- What'd you say?

- I was apologizing.

(audience laughs)

- Conrad could come
after me for millions.

Plus if it gets out that
I lied in my memoir

you know what
people will call me?

- A jackass.

(audience laughs)

A liar, a fraud, there's
no right answer.

(audience laughs)

(acoustic guitar music)

- Hi.

I'd like to return this belt.

My ex-wife gave
it to me, so I don't

have a receipt.

And I had to punch
an extra hole in it.

(audience laughs)

But, um, if you could...

- Hey, hey, it's okay.

- Really?

- No problem.

Here's your refund.

- Thanks.


- Whoa.

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me?

- Never mind.

- No, what?

- No, nothing.

Just thinking.

- (chuckles) See ya.

- (muttering) Damn.

- What, what, what?

(audience laughs)

- I shouldn't bother
you, it's just...

Could you do me a huge favor?

- Yeah.

- See, we just
got this jacket in.

But nobody has the
shoulders to make it work

and I just need to
see it on somebody

who can really (pause)

oh my.

(audience laughs)

- (sighs)

- My belt go with this?

(audience laughs)

(pop music)

(audience laughs)

- Whoa, do you bring
greetings from the future?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, and there's still
no cure for baldness.

(audience laughs)
- (bitterly laughs)

- (mockingly laughs)

- Radu?

Finch, you can't
afford that place.

- Poor Elliot.

Let me clue you in.

I have what's called a
body built for fashion.

- Finch, you have a body built

to assist Santa Claus.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my god, I
can't afford this stuff.

- What happened in that store?

- I don't know, it
happened so fast.

All I remember is
perfume, red hair,

and many trips to the ATM.

(audience laughs)


- [Nina] (angrily)
Four times, I am

mentioned four times.

- Pardon?

- I got bored with Jack's
ancestors being chased

around Europe, so
I looked in the index

with the parts with me in them.

There's only four!

- Well, did you count
the picture of you

at the Playboy mansion?

- (annoyed) No.

I'm described as
unidentified topless woman

on pogo stick.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, I don't need my
own lawyer to tell me

to calm down, I could
be facing a lawsuit,

and I need a defense.

Mixing medications?

How many times
can we go to that well?

(audience laughs)

- Hey knuckles.

- Fine, fax me a letter
with my symptoms.

Hey pumpkin.

- Dad I've got a
pleasant surprise for you.

- I could use one.

- You know what I did at lunch?

I went to the gym,

guess who I ran into there.

- Oh, crap.

(audience laughs)

(audience claps and cheers)

- So you're the guy who
said you kicked my ass?

(audience laughs)

(pop music)

- Hey, come on, you guys.

Somebody hug somebody.

You act like you never
met before in your lives.

- Stand up.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- On your feet.

- Look, I have a young child.

(audience laughs)

- I don't know you
from a rat's behind.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, that's pretty funny.

Why don't you lie
down on your back

and look up?

Maybe then you'll
recognize him, huh, dad?

(audience laughs)

- Jack, I have a
bone to pick with you.

Aren't you Robert Conrad?

- Ma'am.

- (sultrily) Goodness,
you don't waste any time,

do you?

(audience laughs)

- Nina, we're in a meeting here.

If you want to
talk to Mr. Conrad,

please escort him out of
the building immediately.

(audience laughs)

- No, it can wait,
I'll be in my office.

Which is across the
way and to the left.

- Ma'am.

- (giggly) You stop that,
you're going to get us

both in trouble.

(audience laughs)

- When was it that
we were supposed

to know each other?

- Uh.

- 1965.

It's in the book.

- That explains it.

- Explains what?

- Well, things were a
little hazy in those days.

Wild Wild West all
day long and wild wild

everything else at
night, but I don't have

to tell you, huh?

- (gasps in pain)

- Flu shot.

So wait, uh, you
don't remember us

hanging out together?

- Don't take it personally.

- Water under the bridge.

So don't be a stranger.

- No, no, you're
not getting rid of me

that easy.

- I'm not?

- Hell no, I am writing
my own autobiography.

And I need you
to fill in the gaps.

The blow by blow, so to speak.

- Great! (audience laughs)

We'll have lunch sometime.

- I'd like that, give me a call.

- No, Robert, wait!

- Maya, please.

- I know how you
guys are, you'll just

drift apart for
another 30 years.

Why don't you do it now?

- Come on, Gallo.

Don't make me have to carry you.

- (laughing) Oh,
he can do it too.

I saw him punch
out a soda machine

by the stretching area.

- No one cheats Robert Conrad.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- (clears throat)

- Can I help you?

- My friend bought
these clothes here and I

want to return them.

- Oh, right, Dennis.

Now was there a problem?

- Yes, the problem
is you flattered him

into buying stuff
that he can't afford.

- Well, it's a shame.

He had the perfect
body for them.

- Oh please, he has
the perfect body, then I'm

getting cornrows in my hair.

(audience laughs)

- Cornrows (giggles).

- The point is that you
took advantage of a guy

who makes less
money than the average

parking meter.

- (laughing) Parking meter!

- Oh wow, I did
not see that coming.

(audience laughs)

You must crack
people up all day long.

- I don't know, I do alright.

- Alright?

Come on.

- I guess I kind of am
the office clown, you know.

- (laughs)

- In fact, I've got 12
buddies waiting outside

in a tiny car.

- (laughs) Tiny car!

- Hey, you think?

(audience laughs)

- This is so naughty.

I mean, what sort of
people hang out at bars

in the middle of the afternoon?

- Son of a bitch!

Four lousy mentions,
you know how that

makes me feel?

Like a piece of gum
someone chewed up and spit

in the gutter only
to be carried away

by sewer rats.

I'm sorry, you were saying.

(audience laughs)

- I said please, go away.

(audience laughs)

- Where the hell do we
know each other from?

- The old neighborhood.

- Which one?

- You know, the street
corner, the pool hall, the cars.

(audience laughs)

- Wow, that is a
world someone my age

can only imagine.

- Who were the
guys we hung with?

- There was the guy
with the hat who was just

crazy over the local
ball team and, um,

oh yeah, then there was
that guy, that smart guy

who went off to State.

- Oh yeah, what was his name?


- (frustrated) John
(snaps fingers).

- It started with a b.

- John Bu-, John Bu-.

- (claps) Steven Axelrod!

- Yes!

(audience laughs)

- Boy, what a
character he sounds like.

- (laughs)

- You know, aside
from beating me up,

you don't seem to
remember squat.

Are you playing some
kind of game with me?

- Uh, damn pager.

Don't remember squat,
for your information,

I vividly recall that (pause).

Before your big break
in Hollywood, you labored

as a dock worker.

- Son of a gun, how
do you remember that?

- (cackles)

How could I forget?

You're Bob Conrad,
the eldest of six children,

born in Chicago or as
we in the gang used to

call it, the Windy City.

Check, please.

- No, no, no, no,
we're not done here.

Another round.

- Oh, okay, I got it.

- No, no.

I got it.

- Maybe you two
should arm wrestle for it.


(audience laughs)

(pop music)

(audience laughs)

- (chuckles) Sir,
what are you wearing?

- Just a few things I picked up.

- Did you take my stuff back,

did you get my money?

- No, not exactly.

- Why not?

- Hey, enough with
the grilling, alright?

Because, let's face
it, I need that like

I need cornrows in my hair.

(audience laughs)

- Did you get it?

Cornrows are those...

- (deadpan) Oh yeah, I
know what cornrows are.

- But when I said
that joke at the store

she laughed and
laughed and laughed and

I am the stupidest man
on the face of the Earth.

- No, you're not.

She's a witch, that one.

- You tell me, I
mean, how many times

am I going to use a muff?

(audience laughs)

- You're such an idiot, dude.

Mine's black, it
goes with everything.

(audience laughs)

(acoustic guitar music)

- [Robert] Don't be such a baby.

Your shoulder
popped right back in.

(audience laughs)

- Baby?

You better watch the
name calling, that's how

your first fight started.

- Oh yeah?

- [Maya] Yeah,
it's all in the book.

My dad grabbed your
collar, bitchslapped you,

and then you started cryin'.

(audience laughs)

- Ha, she's paraphrasing!

- You made me cry?

(audience laughs)

I don't think so.

- Are you calling
my old man a liar?

- Hey, look,
let's just cool off.

Who wants ice cream?

- Oh my god, it's Jack.

Will you please excuse me

and pay for all my drinks?

(audience laughs)

Alright, I have
something to tell you

and it is not going
to be pleasant.

Oh, hello.

- Ma'am.

- Please, there is
a time and a place.

Jackson H. Gallo, you
have hurt me in the past,

but never like this.

Four mentions!

I'm the one who
gave you the idea

for this stupid book.

And this is how you thank me,

you miserable ingrate?!

Well, answer me (slams book),

I said answer me!

- Nina, it's dedicated to you.

(audience laughs)

- Well, lookie here.

Oh Jack (kisses hand),
please forgive me.

- It's okay, Nina.

- Robert, please
don't think badly of me.

- Ma'am.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry, but
would you folks mind

keeping it down?

- (annoyed) Excuse me?

- It's just we're trying to
conduct business over here.

- Really?

So are we.

We're considering a merger

between my fist and your jaw.

(audience laughs)

- Wow, did you
just make that up?

- Check, check, check!

- Fine, you, uh, you
want to start something?

- Hey Jack, you take Big Mouth,

I'll take Laverne and Shirley.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, that's enough!

Gentlemen, please,
we're not street thugs.

We're grown men,
captains of industry (pause)

and the arts.

We settle our differences
not with violence,

but with reason.

Now you can do as
you please, but I plan

to walk out that door
with my dignity intact.

(audience laughs)

(pop music)

- Okay, be strong.

- Right.

And no matter what she
says, you're not funny.

- You don't have a great body.

- Yes, but I can
always work out.

- Thank you.

- 'Cause there ain't
no gym for ha-has.

- I get it.

- (cheerful) Hi, guys.

- No, no, no, don't talk to us.

Nope, you just
take back the receipt

and fork over the cash.

- Fork over the cash (laughs).

- Stop it, we're onto you!

- Stop jerking us
around, refund now!

(audience laughs)

- Fine, but I'm telling you,

those clothes really...

(sighs) What's the use?

You got me.

I've been working
this routine for years.

But you two just
see right through me.

- Yeah, well, we're smart.

(audience laughs)

- Smart?

It's more than smart.

What are you, FBI?


- You know, I did
take a test that...

No, it's not working!

- Give us the money now.

- (sobbing) And now
I can't pay my rent.

My dad was right, I'm
never going to make

it in this city.

- That's not true,
you do a pretty...

- Don't listen!

You're just taking
the clothes back.

Right now.

(audience laughs)

- Boy the look on her face.

- Yeah, she was not happy.

- Boo hoo hoo (laughs).

- So you don't
think it matters that

we actually forgot to
get our money back.

- Not at all, it's
better this way.

- Yeah, in her face!

(triumphantly laughs together)

- Hey dad, guess what?

Robert Conrad tried
to join the Marines

when he was 15.

Ask me how I know.

- Don't want to.

- You called Barnes &
Noble and have them

move your book into fiction?

- Hey.

The rest of it was true.

My publisher said,
readers want action.

It's really society
that's to blame.

- I can't believe this.

You lied about your
life just to sell books?

- And because (pause)

guys from my
generation all have stories

about their rough-and-tumble
days, but not me.

I was always the charming
guy everybody liked.

It was like I missed
a rite of passage.

And now looking
back, I feel unmanly.

- That is such a
shallow, macho attitude.

- Oh, is that a fact, Miss

Admit it, you got a
charge out of thinking

your father was a tough guy.

- Hey, tough guy.

(audience laughs)

- Bob!

Well, I guess we
shamed those guys, huh?

Shamed them good!
(audience laughs)

- You just don't
run out on a buddy

in a fight, you
just don't do it.

- Yeah?

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

(audience laughs)

- (whispering) Hey,
dad, what are you doing?

- I'm tired of tiptoeing
around this blowhard.

- What did you call me?

- I'm sorry I was proud
of you for being tough!

I really messed up!

- Are you going to
run away this time too?

- I'm standing here, aren't I?

- Alright!

- Daddy, no!

- Damn! (phone rings)

Hold it.


Hello, dear.

No, no, I haven't forgotten.

I know it's not always your job.

Alright then.

Yeah, you too.

(audience laughs)

You caught a break, Gallo.

I have to pick up the
grandkids from soccer practice.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, how very convenient.

- Don't worry, I'll be back.

- Anytime.

- You want to set a date?

- You're on.

- How's Thursday?

- That's not good.

I got to pick apples upstate.

How about the 3rd?

- I'm seeing my urologist.

(audience laughs)

- Who do you go to?

- Friedman on 54th.

- Good?

- Great, light touch.

(audience laughs)

(phone rings)

- I'm in the car, honey.

(audience laughs)

Look, I'm going
to have to call you.

- We can get a drink first.

- Yeah, we could
have a drink, we fight.

- Should we squeeze
in a massage?

- You're on, Gallo!

Oh fudge.

(concerned) Looks like rain.

- You think?

(audience laughs)

- I am telling you,
you have the shoulders

to make this work.

- Well, I don't know
about this one.

It looks like something
Will Smith would wear.

- (laughs) Will Smith!

I did not see that coming.

- Hey, I'm a bit of a cut-up.