Josie and the Pussycats (1970–1972): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Nemo's a No No Affair - full transcript
On their way to Pago Pago for a musical stint, Josie and her companions find themselves in troubled waters when the ship on which they are sailing is torpedoed by Captain Nemo, a swarthy scoundrel intent on avenging his great grandfather's name by sinking every ship in the world.
(PLAYING ORGAN)
We are on perfect course, Captain Nemo.
(SONAR BEEPING)
The freighter is dead ahead.
Excellent, Mr. French.
Soon, another ship
will be sent to the bottom.
Well, gang, we're on our way
to our big gig at Pago Pago Island.
- How do you like it?
- I'd like to throw you over the side...
...for getting us stuck
in this old rust bucket, brother dear.
Rust bucket? I thought this was a ship.
(GIGGLING)
It looks more like an accident
going someplace to happen.
Oh, stop complaining, Alexandra.
Once we get to Pago Pago,
you'll forget all about how we got here.
Ha. There'll be nothing to forget.
I can see now that this trip
is going to be strictly dullsville.
Ahh. This is the life. It's so relaxing.
And so romantic.
And so sickening.
MAN:
The captain sends his compliments.
And four aprons, two swabs
and two buckets.
Now, get to work.
ALL: Work!
- He can't mean us.
Oh, yeah, heh-heh,
I, uh, forgot to tell you.
I didn't have enough money for the fare
so we have to work our way over.
Well, if that's the case...
...the first thing I'm going to do
is work on you, brother.
Now what do you have to say
for yourself?
(GURGLES)
Aah!
(SNICKERING)
Now to give the order to attack.
Wow, it looks like we're gonna spend
most of the trip washing and drying dishes.
What do you want to do, Alexandra?
Wash or dry?
Neither. I'll supervise.
ALEXANDRA:
Yow!
Who's the wise guy?
I've been shish-kebabed.
VALERIE: Hey, what's that?
JOSIE: I don't know.
Now I'll have to dry the dishes
all over again.
Forget the dishes.
We've gotta get out of here.
Reow!
We've been rammed.
All hands abandon ship!
(ALARM RINGING)
Yipes! We're sinking.
I've got to save the instruments.
And I've got to save me.
Anchors aweigh!
(THUD)
Oh, lucky we landed
on a lumpy old pillow.
Who are you calling a lumpy old pillow?
(GROANS)
Hey, wait for me.
(THUD)
Alan, are you all right?
Yeah, as long as you're here
to comfort me, Josie.
If anyone's going to comfort Alan,
it's going to be me.
Move aside, you crazy redhead.
MELODY: Ow!
JOSIE: Oh, what's happening?
The fog's coming in. Stay close together.
ALEXANDER:
Somebody steer this thing.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Mark up another victim
for Captain Nemo.
Thanks to you, Alexandra,
we're lost in a fog.
You mean thanks to Josie.
If she wasn't so clumsy, she wouldn't
have fallen on the motor switch.
I wonder if we'll ever see land again.
Don't worry. I'll keep a sharp lookout.
(RUMBLING)
Hey, I think we ran into a shoe.
VALERIE: Shoe nothing.
We ran into a sea monster.
- Look.
- Yipes!
Relax, chicken brother.
This is no sea monster.
It's some kind of a kooky sub.
JOSIE: And don't look now,
but I think we have company.
Don't mind us. We're just leaving.
FRENCH:
Stop them.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Hey, we're caught in seaweed.
What do you think you're doing,
you creeps?
Wait till I get my hands on you.
I'll show--
(MUMBLING)
(NEMO PLAYING ORGAN)
ALEXANDRA: So this is where
that racket is coming from.
Uch. What awful playing.
NEMO:
Silence.
You are the prisoners of Captain Nemo.
- Captain who?
- You gotta be joking.
Captain Nemo
lived over a hundred years ago.
NEMO:
I never joke.
The first Nemo
was my great grandfather.
He sailed in a submarine
exactly like this one...
...sinking ships
foolish enough to cross his path.
So you're the ding-a-ling
that sank our ship.
And it's only the beginning.
I am going to avenge
the name of Nemo...
...by sinking every ship in the world...
...until I am the master
of the seven seas.
Well, what are you gonna do with us?
Unfortunately, you're of no use.
We're useful.
We're useful, honest. We are useful.
NEMO:
What can you do?
Let's show him, girls.
You're quick-change artists?
No. We're Pussycats, silly. Listen.
It doesn't look like Nemo
digs the groovy sound.
What that group needs is a new leader.
Come on, let's pick up the beat.
Faster! Faster!
Enough!
(THUD)
Hey! What's the big idea?
I was just getting in the groove.
You ruined their act, Alexandra.
And I'm not waiting for an encore.
Let's swing out of here.
Wait for me!
The prisoners are trying to escape.
Sound the alarm.
Follow me. I'll lead you to safety.
(ALARM RINGING)
It's Valerie, Josie and Melody.
Nice going, Alexandra.
Now you got us all in the brig.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Take them to the diving well.
Hey, what's the big idea
of locking us in these glass tubes?
They are your transportation
for a one-way trip...
...to the bottom of the ocean,
my curious friends.
It's my own special way
to get rid of unwanted pests.
Oh, you've made a big mistake.
We're not pests, we're Pussycats.
What are you going to do
with Sebastian, you creep?
Ah, yes, the cat.
(GULPS)
I like his style.
He stays.
Sebastian, you're a traitor.
(SNICKERING)
(NEMO LAUGHING)
How do you like that Josie?
She always manages to get next to Alan.
Trapped at the bottom of the sea.
This is awful.
I'll say. We forgot our instruments.
Now that I'm rid of those meddlers...
...I can head back to my secret fortress
on Volcano Island.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Hey, look, here comes Sebastian.
And he's got the key
that unlocks these tubes.
Good old Sebastian to the rescue.
I always said
he was a loyal and trusted friend.
Well, now that we're off the bottom,
we're hopelessly lost at sea.
We're not the only ones.
Look, there's an island
that's hopelessly lost at sea too.
ALL:
An island!
Come on, let's swim for it.
VALERIE: Gosh, I wonder where we are.
- I don't know.
ALEXANDER: Hmm. I wonder
what's at the top of this old volcano.
Well, there's one way to find out.
Let's start climbing.
Count me out. I'm pooped.
Until I rest,
I'm not budging from this spot.
Yow!
(THUD)
ALL:
Alexandra!
Fourth floor,
teen fashions, pop posters...
...groovy records
and Nemo's no-no notions.
All out.
(SNICKERING)
Can you beat that?
A secret elevator inside this old volcano.
Where do you suppose it goes to?
If I could make heads or tails
of these crazy control buttons...
...maybe we'd find out.
I don't see what the big fuss is all about.
Just push any one.
ALEXANDER:
Wrong one. Push another button!
Nice going, quick fingers.
Zowee! Take a look
at what's hidden in this volcano.
Oh! A yacht club.
ALAN: It's no yacht club, Melody.
It's Nemo's secret sub base.
VALERIE: And look, they're stashing
our instruments in cold storage.
Gee, with no instruments,
there's no Josie and the Pussycats.
No big loss.
(SEBASTIAN SNICKERING)
Well, we gotta think of a way
to get the instruments back...
- ...and put Nemo out of business to boot.
- Well, think no further.
Alexander the great
has the most stupendous...
...super-colossal plan
this side of "Corney Island."
Oh, that's a wonderful plan, Alexander.
I haven't told you what it is yet.
Alan, you take Josie,
Melody and Alexandra...
...and sneak into the storage room
and grab the instruments.
Now, while that's going on,
Valerie very cleverly gets aboard the sub...
...and "discombooberates" the engine.
It'll be a cinch.
Wait a minute,
you left out one small detail.
- What's that?
- Just what are you going to do?
Who, me?
I'm gonna stay here and hide. What else?
(CHUCKLES)
Help! Let go.
There's got to be a law against this.
All clear. Come on.
I hate to admit it,
but my bragging brother was right.
This is a cinch.
Yeah, I guess
they don't believe in guards.
Yipes.
Then what's that coming our way?
Zapping zappers.
That's some kind of a laser sentry.
Let's split before it splits us.
Well, what have we here?
The laser sentry
has discovered intruders.
But no matter,
for soon it will eliminate them.
JOSIE:
That crazy contraption is gaining on us.
ALAN: Quick, into the
emergency hospital up ahead.
Doctor, we have a patient.
Hmm. It looks like a sick laser sentry.
And he doesn't look well either.
Hmm. Very interesting.
Its toggle switch has "togglitis."
Prepare for a "togglectomy."
- Hammer.
- Hammer.
Hammer.
- Nail file.
- Nail file.
Nail, file. Ha-ha-ha!
Look at that Josie.
She gets to be Alan's nurse...
...and I get stuck watching the door.
(SNICKERING)
Gee whiz, Valerie, how long does it take
to "discombooberate" a sub engine?
Keep cool, Alexander,
I'm going as fast as I can.
There seems to be something wrong
with the laser sentry.
I had better find out what it is.
How are we doing, doctor?
I'm doing fine.
But I'm not so sure about the patient.
That does it.
It's time Alan had a new nurse.
Namely, me.
Sebastian, take the air hose
from that helium tank...
...and blow up Josie like a balloon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Josie will float up and out of the picture
and I'll move in. Ha-ha-ha.
(SNICKERING)
Hey, what's going on?
MELODY:
Hmm. Josie's turned into a blimp.
JOSIE: Alexandra, I'll bet
you had something to do with this.
Why, Josie,
how could you say such a thing?
NEMO:
What's going on in here?
What are you doing with my laser sentry?
Would you believe we're tuning it up?
JOSIE:
And would you believe I'm gonna pop?
It's those meddlers.
Guards, capture them!
ALL:
Oh, no, you don't.
ALAN:
Run for it.
NEMO:
Stop them.
This'll fix them good.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Plug the blue wire in socket A...
...the red wire in socket B
and the green wire in socket C.
ALEXANDER:
Gotcha.
Now, is it red in C, green in A
and blue in white and B in D--?
Oh, I'm so nervous I'm all mixed up.
Maybe I just better plug them all in.
Yow!
(THUD)
(MEN SHOUTING)
Hey, look,
Alexandra's netted Captain Nemo.
ALAN:
And netted herself as well.
(SNICKERING)
The Coast Guard can't thank you enough
for putting an end to Nemo and his gang.
It was our pleasure.
(CHUCKLING)
Bah! Foiled by a bunch of pussycats.
Hey, isn't this great? The Coast Guard
is gonna give us a ride to Pago Pago.
Well, for laughing at me...
...I'm not going anywhere
on the same ship with you toads.
ALEXANDER:
Well, sis, as usual, you get your way.
Me and my big mouth.
(SNICKERING)
We are on perfect course, Captain Nemo.
(SONAR BEEPING)
The freighter is dead ahead.
Excellent, Mr. French.
Soon, another ship
will be sent to the bottom.
Well, gang, we're on our way
to our big gig at Pago Pago Island.
- How do you like it?
- I'd like to throw you over the side...
...for getting us stuck
in this old rust bucket, brother dear.
Rust bucket? I thought this was a ship.
(GIGGLING)
It looks more like an accident
going someplace to happen.
Oh, stop complaining, Alexandra.
Once we get to Pago Pago,
you'll forget all about how we got here.
Ha. There'll be nothing to forget.
I can see now that this trip
is going to be strictly dullsville.
Ahh. This is the life. It's so relaxing.
And so romantic.
And so sickening.
MAN:
The captain sends his compliments.
And four aprons, two swabs
and two buckets.
Now, get to work.
ALL: Work!
- He can't mean us.
Oh, yeah, heh-heh,
I, uh, forgot to tell you.
I didn't have enough money for the fare
so we have to work our way over.
Well, if that's the case...
...the first thing I'm going to do
is work on you, brother.
Now what do you have to say
for yourself?
(GURGLES)
Aah!
(SNICKERING)
Now to give the order to attack.
Wow, it looks like we're gonna spend
most of the trip washing and drying dishes.
What do you want to do, Alexandra?
Wash or dry?
Neither. I'll supervise.
ALEXANDRA:
Yow!
Who's the wise guy?
I've been shish-kebabed.
VALERIE: Hey, what's that?
JOSIE: I don't know.
Now I'll have to dry the dishes
all over again.
Forget the dishes.
We've gotta get out of here.
Reow!
We've been rammed.
All hands abandon ship!
(ALARM RINGING)
Yipes! We're sinking.
I've got to save the instruments.
And I've got to save me.
Anchors aweigh!
(THUD)
Oh, lucky we landed
on a lumpy old pillow.
Who are you calling a lumpy old pillow?
(GROANS)
Hey, wait for me.
(THUD)
Alan, are you all right?
Yeah, as long as you're here
to comfort me, Josie.
If anyone's going to comfort Alan,
it's going to be me.
Move aside, you crazy redhead.
MELODY: Ow!
JOSIE: Oh, what's happening?
The fog's coming in. Stay close together.
ALEXANDER:
Somebody steer this thing.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Mark up another victim
for Captain Nemo.
Thanks to you, Alexandra,
we're lost in a fog.
You mean thanks to Josie.
If she wasn't so clumsy, she wouldn't
have fallen on the motor switch.
I wonder if we'll ever see land again.
Don't worry. I'll keep a sharp lookout.
(RUMBLING)
Hey, I think we ran into a shoe.
VALERIE: Shoe nothing.
We ran into a sea monster.
- Look.
- Yipes!
Relax, chicken brother.
This is no sea monster.
It's some kind of a kooky sub.
JOSIE: And don't look now,
but I think we have company.
Don't mind us. We're just leaving.
FRENCH:
Stop them.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Hey, we're caught in seaweed.
What do you think you're doing,
you creeps?
Wait till I get my hands on you.
I'll show--
(MUMBLING)
(NEMO PLAYING ORGAN)
ALEXANDRA: So this is where
that racket is coming from.
Uch. What awful playing.
NEMO:
Silence.
You are the prisoners of Captain Nemo.
- Captain who?
- You gotta be joking.
Captain Nemo
lived over a hundred years ago.
NEMO:
I never joke.
The first Nemo
was my great grandfather.
He sailed in a submarine
exactly like this one...
...sinking ships
foolish enough to cross his path.
So you're the ding-a-ling
that sank our ship.
And it's only the beginning.
I am going to avenge
the name of Nemo...
...by sinking every ship in the world...
...until I am the master
of the seven seas.
Well, what are you gonna do with us?
Unfortunately, you're of no use.
We're useful.
We're useful, honest. We are useful.
NEMO:
What can you do?
Let's show him, girls.
You're quick-change artists?
No. We're Pussycats, silly. Listen.
It doesn't look like Nemo
digs the groovy sound.
What that group needs is a new leader.
Come on, let's pick up the beat.
Faster! Faster!
Enough!
(THUD)
Hey! What's the big idea?
I was just getting in the groove.
You ruined their act, Alexandra.
And I'm not waiting for an encore.
Let's swing out of here.
Wait for me!
The prisoners are trying to escape.
Sound the alarm.
Follow me. I'll lead you to safety.
(ALARM RINGING)
It's Valerie, Josie and Melody.
Nice going, Alexandra.
Now you got us all in the brig.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Take them to the diving well.
Hey, what's the big idea
of locking us in these glass tubes?
They are your transportation
for a one-way trip...
...to the bottom of the ocean,
my curious friends.
It's my own special way
to get rid of unwanted pests.
Oh, you've made a big mistake.
We're not pests, we're Pussycats.
What are you going to do
with Sebastian, you creep?
Ah, yes, the cat.
(GULPS)
I like his style.
He stays.
Sebastian, you're a traitor.
(SNICKERING)
(NEMO LAUGHING)
How do you like that Josie?
She always manages to get next to Alan.
Trapped at the bottom of the sea.
This is awful.
I'll say. We forgot our instruments.
Now that I'm rid of those meddlers...
...I can head back to my secret fortress
on Volcano Island.
(NEMO LAUGHING)
Hey, look, here comes Sebastian.
And he's got the key
that unlocks these tubes.
Good old Sebastian to the rescue.
I always said
he was a loyal and trusted friend.
Well, now that we're off the bottom,
we're hopelessly lost at sea.
We're not the only ones.
Look, there's an island
that's hopelessly lost at sea too.
ALL:
An island!
Come on, let's swim for it.
VALERIE: Gosh, I wonder where we are.
- I don't know.
ALEXANDER: Hmm. I wonder
what's at the top of this old volcano.
Well, there's one way to find out.
Let's start climbing.
Count me out. I'm pooped.
Until I rest,
I'm not budging from this spot.
Yow!
(THUD)
ALL:
Alexandra!
Fourth floor,
teen fashions, pop posters...
...groovy records
and Nemo's no-no notions.
All out.
(SNICKERING)
Can you beat that?
A secret elevator inside this old volcano.
Where do you suppose it goes to?
If I could make heads or tails
of these crazy control buttons...
...maybe we'd find out.
I don't see what the big fuss is all about.
Just push any one.
ALEXANDER:
Wrong one. Push another button!
Nice going, quick fingers.
Zowee! Take a look
at what's hidden in this volcano.
Oh! A yacht club.
ALAN: It's no yacht club, Melody.
It's Nemo's secret sub base.
VALERIE: And look, they're stashing
our instruments in cold storage.
Gee, with no instruments,
there's no Josie and the Pussycats.
No big loss.
(SEBASTIAN SNICKERING)
Well, we gotta think of a way
to get the instruments back...
- ...and put Nemo out of business to boot.
- Well, think no further.
Alexander the great
has the most stupendous...
...super-colossal plan
this side of "Corney Island."
Oh, that's a wonderful plan, Alexander.
I haven't told you what it is yet.
Alan, you take Josie,
Melody and Alexandra...
...and sneak into the storage room
and grab the instruments.
Now, while that's going on,
Valerie very cleverly gets aboard the sub...
...and "discombooberates" the engine.
It'll be a cinch.
Wait a minute,
you left out one small detail.
- What's that?
- Just what are you going to do?
Who, me?
I'm gonna stay here and hide. What else?
(CHUCKLES)
Help! Let go.
There's got to be a law against this.
All clear. Come on.
I hate to admit it,
but my bragging brother was right.
This is a cinch.
Yeah, I guess
they don't believe in guards.
Yipes.
Then what's that coming our way?
Zapping zappers.
That's some kind of a laser sentry.
Let's split before it splits us.
Well, what have we here?
The laser sentry
has discovered intruders.
But no matter,
for soon it will eliminate them.
JOSIE:
That crazy contraption is gaining on us.
ALAN: Quick, into the
emergency hospital up ahead.
Doctor, we have a patient.
Hmm. It looks like a sick laser sentry.
And he doesn't look well either.
Hmm. Very interesting.
Its toggle switch has "togglitis."
Prepare for a "togglectomy."
- Hammer.
- Hammer.
Hammer.
- Nail file.
- Nail file.
Nail, file. Ha-ha-ha!
Look at that Josie.
She gets to be Alan's nurse...
...and I get stuck watching the door.
(SNICKERING)
Gee whiz, Valerie, how long does it take
to "discombooberate" a sub engine?
Keep cool, Alexander,
I'm going as fast as I can.
There seems to be something wrong
with the laser sentry.
I had better find out what it is.
How are we doing, doctor?
I'm doing fine.
But I'm not so sure about the patient.
That does it.
It's time Alan had a new nurse.
Namely, me.
Sebastian, take the air hose
from that helium tank...
...and blow up Josie like a balloon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Josie will float up and out of the picture
and I'll move in. Ha-ha-ha.
(SNICKERING)
Hey, what's going on?
MELODY:
Hmm. Josie's turned into a blimp.
JOSIE: Alexandra, I'll bet
you had something to do with this.
Why, Josie,
how could you say such a thing?
NEMO:
What's going on in here?
What are you doing with my laser sentry?
Would you believe we're tuning it up?
JOSIE:
And would you believe I'm gonna pop?
It's those meddlers.
Guards, capture them!
ALL:
Oh, no, you don't.
ALAN:
Run for it.
NEMO:
Stop them.
This'll fix them good.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Plug the blue wire in socket A...
...the red wire in socket B
and the green wire in socket C.
ALEXANDER:
Gotcha.
Now, is it red in C, green in A
and blue in white and B in D--?
Oh, I'm so nervous I'm all mixed up.
Maybe I just better plug them all in.
Yow!
(THUD)
(MEN SHOUTING)
Hey, look,
Alexandra's netted Captain Nemo.
ALAN:
And netted herself as well.
(SNICKERING)
The Coast Guard can't thank you enough
for putting an end to Nemo and his gang.
It was our pleasure.
(CHUCKLING)
Bah! Foiled by a bunch of pussycats.
Hey, isn't this great? The Coast Guard
is gonna give us a ride to Pago Pago.
Well, for laughing at me...
...I'm not going anywhere
on the same ship with you toads.
ALEXANDER:
Well, sis, as usual, you get your way.
Me and my big mouth.
(SNICKERING)