Josh (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Stood Up and Sat Down - full transcript

Hiya. Yeah, I just ordered a pizza
on your app and I just wanted to

follow up and check you'd received
the correct order.

Well, yeah, I suppose it does defeat
the purpose of the app, but since

I'm here, 7 Belmont Gardens,
how long will it be?

Oh, perfect, I will get my episode
of Jonathan Creek on.

Oh, it's the one where the
dead body climbs the stairs.

No, no, it's not ridiculous,

because he floats up when
the basement floods.

Can we just agree to disagree?

Yeah, great, OK,
I will see you then.

All right, bye.



What are you doing here? Whoa,
have I caught you on a date?

No, I'm just having a relaxed night
in with Jonathan Creek.

Oh, so I have caught you on a date.

No, I'm just having a night in.

I'm recharging my batteries.

Recharging your batteries?

Yeah! Sorry, I forgot you were a
busy working mother!

Do you want me to run you a warm
bath,

so you can lie back and read a Maeve
Binchy?

What are you doing here, anyway?

Aren't you doing that medical
trial this weekend?

No, I was, but then I charmed the
nurse into slipping me the placebo.

She allowed me to go home early.

You can't do that.



Well, YOU can't.

I can, with my stories.

One mention of the time I got stuck
in a Waterstones with John Torode

and she was putty in my hands.

But even if you got given the
placebo,

you need to stay in for observation.

I forgot that you moonlight
as an NHS ombudsman.

No, I'm just saying
it's not ethical.

I tell you what's not ethical, how
much that nurse fancied me.

If she fancied you so much, why
did she send you home?

Because she couldn't cope with

working in such a sexually charged
atmosphere.

Or she was unprofessional, lazy and

couldn't cope with any more of your
anecdotes.

Oh, envy is a sin, Joshua.

Tell you what else is a sin, what
that nurse wanted to do to my...

Yeah, I get it, yeah. Your loss.

Oh, you're not going to believe
the evening I just had.

Can you stop talking over Creek?!

Hang on, I'm just going to get

myself a drink and then I'll tell
you all about it.

But I'm missing the theme tune!

MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme
Tune

Kate, is that a jardinera
from La Dolce Vita?

Yes. How do you feel about
giving me one of your slices,

and then to pay you back I will
give you a slice of mine

in approximately four minutes?

I assume you've ordered a
margherita.

Correct. I'm not downgrading
my slice.

You know the exchange rate.

It's two slices of your barren pizza
for one of these.

This is like a shiny.

Well, look who's back already.

Shortest date since my cousin went
for a drink with Samantha Mumba.

Your cousin went for a drink with
Samantha Mumba?! Yeah.

It was absolute disaster as well.

It was just after she split up
with Sisqo.

Now, first question she asks him,
God knows why,

is, "What's your favourite kind of
crisp?"

He's nervous, obviously -
it's Mumba, after all.

He meant to say Discos but
it came out like Sisqo.

She's livid, she leaves before her
Guinness had settled.

Less believable every time you say
it.

Yeah, well, the nurse liked it.

Anyway, it's five past eight and
you're at home eating a take away,

so the date must have gone well.

Ah, yeah, so... We didn't
really click,

so I decided to be cruel to be kind
and binned off the date after the

starters, waited for him to leave,
and got myself a takeaway.

So did you cancel the mains?

What? Well, you said you ended it
after the starters,

surely by then you'd already
ordered the mains.

No, it's just I said, "Let's just
order starters," to test the water,

as I had a funny feeling when he
arrived, in my waters.

And then once you dismissed him you
decided to stay and get a takeaway?

Yes, that is exactly what happened.

It seems like a very unlikely
sequence of events.

All right, Jonathan Creek.

How's your food getting along?
Delivery accepted.

No, it isn't. They've delivered my
pizza to the wrong address.

Oh, gutted!

Someone has taken my pizza.

Two words, broken Britain.

I don't think the police are going
to be interested in this one, Josh.

Hello, yeah, it's the app guy again.

Yes, the one watching Jonathan
Creek.

Well, I don't care what you've
discussed, it makes perfect sense.

Actually, that is
not why I'm calling.

The reason I'm calling is my
pizza has gone missing.

No, that would not make a good
mystery for Jonathan Creek.

This is not good enough.

You're going to have
to send me a new order.

HOW long?

Well, I'll tell you what you can do
with your free mozzarella

sticks, you can stick them... in the
bag, actually, that sounds great.

Really good. Cheers.

I think you really told
them there, Josh. Mmm.

Mmm.

So are you still going to get a full
payment,

even though you left the trial
early?

Oh, yeah, I made sure of that.

I just don't understand why you did
it. You've got a job.

I can't just make baguettes for the
rest of my life, can I, Josh?

You've got no idea how
unstimulating it is.

Every day is always the same.

Ham and mayo, cheese and coleslaw,
salmon and beef.

Sorry? Oh, yeah, Geoff comes in
occasionally, orders that.

Claims it's surf and
turf. It's not.

The point I'm trying to make is the
job is very boring.

Yeah, Owen, it's a job. That's what
happens.

Yeah, but I'd mastered in the first
week.

I can make a cheese
baguette in my sleep.

In fact, I did it once. During
a particularly bad nightmare,

I actually got up, made a baguette,
and actually ate it.

The problem was the cheese
made my nightmare worse.

It was a vicious circle.

So now you're selling your body to
science?

Yes, but that is simply
to raise funds

for a once-in-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity.

Isn't that you what said when you
invested in that toaster designed by

Jon Tickle?

That was a mistake. But this, this
is a dead cert.

Look who's floating.

Sorry, this is your new career plan?

It's one of them. It's important to
diversify in the modern world, Kate.

I'm a bit like Kanye West -

he's a rapper, fashion designer,
entrepreneur.

I'm a baguette maker, medical
trialee, floating grim reaper.

Uncanny. Well, unKanye.

Kind of works.
It's money for nothing.

I've seen it each morning.

On my way to work, I
walk past this guy.

He's a human statue
dressed in a gold suit.

People are throwing money at him.

He's coining it in.

He can't be.

Er, have YOU got a
suit made of gold?

He's a great guy, actually.

We got chatting, and he gave me
the contact for the person

that makes these things. 150 quid
later, I'm on the gravy train.

Have you got a licence?

A licence to print money.

It's so easy. Look.

This is the start of an exciting new
chapter for me, guys,

cos we're all in the gutter,

but some of us are floating slightly

above the gutter, coining it in.

I'm delighted for you, mate,
but if you don't mind,

I'm going to watch Jonathan Creek.

You don't need Jonathan Creek, mate.

You've got a real mystery,
live in your lounge.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, um... you're getting a
call from sexy nurse.

Today just keeps getting better and
better. I knew she fancied me.

But don't answer it. I'm going to
play it cool.

Bloody hell, if she fancied
me on terra firma,

imagine how she'll react when she
sees me floating in mid-air.

I wonder if you can have sex
on one of these things.

Time to join the
five-foot-high club.

Oh, Josh is already a member.

I'm five-foot-six-and-a-half,
actually.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh, that was quick!

Do you want me to tell you how it
works?

I don't want you to get kicked out
of the Magic Circle,

but I'm guessing you're sat on some
sort of wooden seat.

No.

The seat's actually metal.

Oh, Jeff. Evening, Josh.

Everything all right? I thought you
were going to be my pizza.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Hope you won't be
topping yourself.

Not too cheesed off. Oh...

Is there a pun on crusts?

Might have to get
back to you on that.

Holy Mary, Mother of God!

You all right, Jeff?

Can everyone see that?

You see? I told you guys
I was on to a winner.

Feel free to chuck me a fiver.

How are you doing that?

Is it a Welsh thing?

He's on a seat. Oh!

No, I still don't understand.

Jeff, why are you here?

No reason. Just checking in.

Do you need this?

What? Well, how much use do
you get out of it?

You've got four chairs. There's only
three of you. Can I have it?

No! What if we have a guest?

Well, I'll stand. It's not
happening.

I'll replace it with something.

I've got a bean bag
at home I can bring.

This is our flat, not Google HQ.

Look, I'll level with you.
I'm in a pickle.

I've signed some new tenants to one
of my flats,

but I made a schoolboy error.

I listed it as furnished and
it isn't.

What can I say? It
was a Saturday night,

I cracked open a box of
chocolate liqueurs, and phwoar!

Never mix alcohol and Zoopla.

So, you're going to give them our
furniture?

Not just yours. If I can get a piece
from each of my flats, I'll soon

have theirs furnished. So, what
about the coffee table?

No. No. Give them your coffee table.

Well, I can't do that. I need my
coffee table.

I've got that Banksy book.

Where else am I going to put it?

On the floor? That would be an
insult.

He's a thought-provoking artist.

You are not having our coffee table.

You're not getting anything else.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to
have a relaxed night in.

Sounds perfect.

THEY SIGH

Right, if you're staying, you're not
talking during Jonathan Creek.

Absolutely.

Just say it! Well, she's
already had one dinner.

I saw you in La Dolce Vita
earlier, didn't I?

Um, yes, maybe.

Yeah, I definitely saw you.

You were in there on your own with
two starters.

Oh, I was on a date. You probably
just walked past when my date was in

the toilet. Well, then he must have
ordered the spicy prawns, because I

saw exactly the same scene 15

minutes later when I walked back
past.

Oh, my God.

That's not true. Kate, you don't

need to lie. We've all been stood
up.

I'm not lying. He did turn up.

He just then left again
ten minutes later.

Is it speed dating?

It was awful.

We sat down and ordered and then,
before the starters came, he said he

needed to head off
because it wasn't working.

I'm really sorry, Kate.

Modern dating is brutal.

Ten minutes to prove yourself.

I mean, I'm a grower.

It takes people a
while to get into me.

You've got to watch the
film, not the trailer.

You are the complex, lilting,
five-day game of Test cricket rather

than the disposable cut
and thrust of Twenty20.

Is that a compliment?

Yeah. Well, then,
yes, I am. Thank you.

Kate, a lot of people panic about
being alone at your age.

You may be surprised to learn that I

experienced exactly the same
worries.

But you're still alone.

Yes. But I can tell you that, in
time, bit by bit, you get more

comfortable with it.
Your priorities change.

For instance, I focused on my
career.

Now, Kate, you don't have a career,

but what do you think you could
focus on?

You going to put Creek back on then?

Oh, God!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, mate.

Look, I'm really sorry
about how tonight went.

Don't listen to Jeff.
It's just one bad date.

It's not, though, is it?

It's year after year of them.

I've seen more awkward dates than
the Isle of Fernandos.

I came up with that on the way home.

It's the only good thing to come out
of the evening.

SHE SIGHS

Can I have a go?

Absolutely not.
It's for performers only.

I completely understand.

How much did this cost?

Was it 50 grand?

I'm being silly.

100 grand?

Yeah, that's it.

I should really have bought a house,

but I thought this was a more secure
investment.

I actually paid for it
by doing a medical trial.

Oh, is this one of the side-effects?

What?

I keep forgetting there's a seat
under there.

I actually took part in
some medical trials.

I was involved in testing the very
first Lockets. Oh, yeah?

Honey and lemon flavoured.

Of course, back then blackcurrant
was just a pipe dream.

Or wind pipe dream, if you will.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, I was called back in the same
year to test some Tunes.

Oh. I said, "Bohemian
Rhapsody'll never sell."

If I could use this
scythe, I would, Jeff.

Anyway, I was only paid five grand
for the Lockets trials,

which is nowhere near enough.

Are you kidding? Five grand, what,
just for sucking some sweets?

That's not the only way they were
administered back then.

Oh, right. Bit of trivia for you -

for the next four months, every time
I passed wind my sinuses cleared.

I suppose that's why they have
trials.

Yeah.

This is so depressing.

I was in this room a couple of hours
ago getting ready for a date.

Yeah, I thought it was tidy.

Be honest with me. Am I going to
turn into Jeff?

No, of course not.

How do you know? Well, because
you've got social skills.

And you can't afford to get on the
property ladder.

Well, if I do start turning it to
him, you'll tell me, won't you?

The moment you start referring to
beef and salmon sandwiches as surf

and turf, I'll stage an
intervention. Thanks. Means a lot.

DOORBELL RINGS

This was such a shitty day.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind, I'm
just...

This is not how I imagined my
evening going.

This isn't how I imagined my life
going.

It's just a blip, but...

Am I difficult to be around?

No! Am I too desperate?

Do I scare people off?

No, I promise, you do not scare
people off.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll be back in a sec.

Ah, sorry about the mix-up, mate.
I went to the wrong number seven.

It's fine. You're here now.

Here you go. Great.

Thank you.

Where's my pizza?

That's all they gave me. This is
just mozzarella sticks.

Yeah, I did think it was quite a
small meal, but I didn't want to say

anything cos the customer's
always right.

Unbelievable. Oh, actually...

..there is this as well.

There. What's that? It's
an apology tiramisu.

A what? To say sorry for
messing up the last delivery.

You messed up this delivery.

Right.

Yeah. Tell you what I'll do.

Why don't I add this pizza to your
next order, free of charge?

I've already paid for it.

Right.

I'll ring the boss and tell him to
put another one in the oven.

Yeah, if you could.

Answer the phone, you...

Hello?

Yeah, it's me. We messed
up his order again.

Yeah.

No worries.

He wants to know if you've seen the

episode with the silverback in the
mansion house. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I enjoyed the episode, but I
thought the payoff didn't work.

Look, can you go and get my pizza?

Yeah, sure. Er, he enjoyed the
episode but the payoff didn't...

I'll tell you this,

I think mozzarella sticks could
really catch on.

Certainly wouldn't want to have
shares in bruschetta right now.

I wouldn't want to have shares
in traditional forms of

entertainment at this moment. Look
how good I'm getting at this.

Oh, stop it! Pathetic.

Yeah, but that's not fair, is it?!

Well, it is fair, cos the public's

going to interfere with you, aren't
they? Fingers crossed.

All right, I bet you one mozzarella

stick you can't stay still for a
minute.

You reckon? Watch this.

PHONE CHIMES

You got a text.

Don't you want to read it?

Would you like me to read it?

Ooh, it's from sexy nurse.

Oh, give me that. Rubbish.

Oh, she's coming over.

Oh, that feels good.

Tell you what else feels good.

What? Um, oh, I don't know. I
hadn't thought that far ahead.

Well, usually you stop me
mid-innuendo.

Um...

..sex?

Worth the wait.

I mean, this is not what
Kate needs, though.

First she's dumped mid-date, now
she's going to have to listen

to you trying to seduce a nurse
through the wall.

Mmm, good point.

I'll just stick some music on.
Classic uni move.

Do you think she's going to be OK?

She might be quite tired after her

shift but seeing me should cheer
her up. No, Kate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll be
fine, cos Jeff's gone in to see her.

Oh, God! I'm...

..really sorry I upset you earlier.

What gave it away? When I ran out of
the living room close to tears?

No, Owen told me I had.

Anyway, sincere apologies for my
insensitivity.

OK, whatever, apology accepted.

Good.

Do you need that bedside table?

Sorry? Well, in your current
situation...

you don't really need two bedside
tables.

Are you joking? Mmm, no, you aren't

really in need of table space for
a...

gentleman friend. It's wasted real
estate, nature's greatest crime.

OK, thanks, you can leave now.

Of course. No, you're not taking
that!

Fair enough.

So?

Well, that went terribly.

What did you do? I tried to help
but it didn't work.

Well, did you apologise?

Yes, but she's in a funny mood.

She got upset when I tried to take
her bedside table away.

Oh! She's single.
She doesn't need both.

I stand by that.

God, I can't believe...

Right, I'm off for a shower
before sexy nurse arrives.

I prefer it when you're hovering.

Yeah, well, I don't know what is
wrong with this cloak, but I've

somehow been sweating and shivering
for the last ten minutes.

No wonder the Grim Reaper's always
in such a bad mood.

Owen, Kate is not a good way.

Oh, she'll be all right.

She's been dumped before.

She gets over it. Then she'll
just get dumped again.

Fine, well, I suppose as I'm the
only one who puts her feelings

first, I'M going to have
to go and talk to her.

DOORBELL RINGS

However, I will just get that.

Put the lamp down!

At last! One extra-large
meat feast pizza.

That's not what I ordered.

Fantastic!

That was so quick.
You guys are great.

Just checking, you did replace
the chicken with beef? Yeah.

And you replaced the ham with
the salmon? Yeah.

Good old surf and turf.

Sorry, what is going on?

Well, all that talk about pizza

started my stomach rumbling, so I
ordered one.

Where's my pizza?
I ordered it first.

It should be ready first.

Oh, don't worry, your pizza was
almost ready when I left with his.

So why didn't you wait? Because his
would get cold.

He's a customer, too.
Well, when you come back,

you could at least bring some
mozzarella sticks.

I'm afraid we're all out, mate.

They've been incredibly popular.

Well, that does not surprise me.

Mmm, yeah, do you know what? I

genuinely think they could spell the
end for bruschetta.

That's what I said! Mmm.

Yeah.

Sorry, can you go and get my pizza?

Yeah, sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Go away!

Hey, mate.

I just wanted to say...

You're not going to
end up on your own.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.
It's just a run of bad luck.

Yeah, for ten years.

No-one has ever had a run
of bad luck that long.

Of course they have!

Who? The Boston Red Sox.

What? The Curse of Bambino.

When the Boston Red Sox traded
Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees,

they suffered 86 years bad luck.

What are you talking about?

What I'm saying is you've got
nothing to worry about.

Kate, you're one of the
most amazing people I know.

Well, knocking on the door of the
top ten.

Is your pizza still not here?

No, they delivered Jeff's
surf and turf.

Do you want a slice of mine?

Are you sure? Yeah, course.

Oh, cheers, mate.

I haven't had a proper
relationship in years.

That doesn't mean anything.

Alan Shearer went 12 games
without a goal before Euro 96,

then he was the top scorer
at the tournament.

I feel like these analogies would

work better if you were trying to
console Gabby Logan.

You're better than Gabby Logan!

No, I'm not. No, you are.

Kate, you're great.

You're funny and you're clever and
you're beautiful, and I can't

understand what that idiot was
thinking tonight.

Can I just check something?

Yeah. Are you...

coming on to me? What?

With all these compliments, and

saying how I'm about to meet
someone?

No, Kate, I'm just consoling
you as a friend.

I'm being nice. Oh,
you're being nice!

Yeah. That's why it feels weird.

Yeah, that'll be it. Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be your pizza.

Someone else'll get it.

One second. I just need to get this.

Hiya. Oh, after all that, I thought
you weren't going to answer.

Oh, don't worry, mate.
I couldn't care less.

Fair enough. See you. Thank you very
much.

Oh, you're giving me
a slice, remember? Yes.

Sexy nurse.

So, what time you coming over?

Couldn't wait until
then to see me, eh?

What kind of mix-up? Yeah,
but I had the placebo.

Yeah, I've been a little bit sweaty.

Oh, OK.

But... but I thought you were coming
round to...

Oh, to monitor my symptoms.

Um, so what exactly is going to
happen to me?

Both ends?

Right, OK, thank you.

Um, yeah, I'll see you later.

Bye.

Any news?

So it looks like you were right.

I think I might have slightly

overestimated my sexual
attractiveness,

and slightly underestimated her lack
of professionalism and laziness.

Yeah, it's started.

Oh, well, Jonathan Creek?

Yes, please.

If Owen doesn't pull through, do you

think you're going to want this
seat?

Only, I know the perfect
place for it.

MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme
Tune