Josh (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Close-up and Long Shot - full transcript

You're making me go to Abby's house-warming.

- You know my views on her.
- Yes, we know you fancy her.

No, she just kept saying that at university.

Well, to be fair, there was a time you left her 26 missed calls.

I'd pocket-dialled her.

Yeah, the rumour was you fancied her so much, your penis typed in her number.

That is not possible.

It is. My cousin Dirty Brychan can unlock his iPhone with his old fella.

Turns out his thumb and penis have identical prints.

No way that's true.

It is. It's how they caught him for the burglary.



I don't even like her. She's the smuggest person I've ever met.

Oh, God, I loved uni house parties.

Queuing for the toilet, girls crying on the stairs,

using those little Mr Kipling cakes as ashtrays - glorious.

- Mm...
- I'm going to start a game of spin the bottle.

We didn't play spin the bottle at uni.

Well, you might not have, mate. My lips barely left the bottle arena.

Why do you think I got through so much chapstick?

I'm not playing spin the bottle.

Well, we are, so it's up to you if you want to join in.

Well, you play, I'll watch.

Oh, I forgot you were the world's creepiest man.

Oi, oi, it is nostalgia central here.

Remember when I returned a library book so late



- I had to sell the Game Cube?
- Yeah, it was my Game Cube.

Oh, it was everyone's Game Cube.

What are you doing here? Get in the lounge where the action is.

No, no, we can't. They're all talking about that true crime series, Dead Alibi.

How are we the only two that haven't watched it?

I had to remove myself for fear of being a victim of spoilers.

I already know the sous chef didn't do it.

Well, of course the sous chef didn't do it.

- He gets stabbed by a meat thermometer in episode three.
- Are you kidding me?

Guys!

- Hey, Abby!
- Hey, hey, hey.

What a great party!

- Oh, it's so nice of you to come.
- It's all right.

- Abby!
- Oh, Josh, good to see you.

And you. In the same way it's good to see everyone, equally.

I can't believe you've moved just round the corner from us.

Oh, well, my new therapy practice is at the end of the road,

- so it's perfect for work.
- How's it going?

Retraining is the best decision I ever made.

I mean, you know how I've always had a bit of a talent

for knowing what makes people tick.

Well, I don't think anyone knew what people were thinking

in the fog of university.

Good to see you again, Josh.

I think you're in there, mate.

MUSIC PLAYING

HUM OF CONVERSATION

- Oh, my God, Phillipa.
- Kate.

Hi.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise, I was hoping you'd be here.

I mean, it's lovely to see all my students again,

- but between you and me, you were always my favourite.
- Oh, my God. I knew it.

PHILLIPA LAUGHS

It's so nice to see Abby doing so well, isn't it?

- She's probably just trying to make up for not being your favourite student.
- Oh!

So I trust you stuck with photography, because you had such talent?

Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I'm never not taking photos.

My lens cap is never on.

In fact, to save time, I just threw it away, took a picture

of it lying in the dirt.

So, what are you working on?

Oh, er, mostly sort of online work,

um, offline work, you know, snap, snap, snap!

It never ends.

Because once you snap, you can't...

stap.

You know what? Hold that, I would love to see your portfolio.

My company are always looking for new photographers.

I mean, we mainly commission shoots for high-end fashion.

Ah, the best end, if you ask me.

Yes! I've just come from the most fantastic shoot with Claudia.

- Winkleman?
- Schiffer.

Yeah.

Now, are you free next week?

Um, I might have to ask my temp agency.

I mean, my agent, who is temporary. "They work for you, Kate, remember that."

Ah!

So, when could you pop in?

I think I've got a window on, erm, Monday afternoon.

- Sounds great.
- Ah!
- PHONE RINGS

Oh, gosh, sorry, I've got to take this.

- It's Kate.
- Oh, Moss?
- No, my baby-sitter.

Yeah, she spotted my talent early.

This is probably going to be my big break, if I'm honest,

but don't worry, I'm not going let it change me.

That's a pity, isn't it?

The thing with a career in the arts is, you really have to want to create...

Look, this party is rubbish. Can we just go?

Yeah, I should probably head home and prepare a mood board and polish my lens.

I don't want to hear about your sexual frustrations, Kate.

Did anybody order more nostalgia?

Then it is time to spin the bottle!

CHEERING

Oh, no, no, don't feel we need to do this, guys.

- Come on, Josh, get involved.
- No, it's not really my scene.

- Oh, who invited Frankie Frigid?
- I'm not Frankie Frigid.

That's exactly what Frankie Frigid would say.

Yes, that and, "Don't touch my penis."

All right, fine, let's do it.

Right, just before we get cracking, erm, tongues are optional,

but it's an option I always take,

so if anyone's got any loose fillings, do declare them now.

OK, spin the bottle, see who gets to go first.

ALL: Ohh!

Looks like Frankie Frigid's become Ugo Up-For-It.

- Ugo?
- No, you go first. Come on, spin the bottle, lover boy.

Stupid, what if I land it on you?

Knowing your post-uni love life, odds are you'll land on yourself!

Josh, have you been single since university?

No, I've had plenty of girlfriends.

Oh, you should've introduced us to some of them, Josh.

All right, let's just get this over with, OK?

ALL: Ohh!

- Ah... I understand...
- No...

- But that, that, that...
- No, it's OK, Josh, I'm not judging you.

No, but how could that be intentional?

Well, your single years have given you quite the skilled wrist.

- Oh, that's cheap.
- Come on, we've got our first kissers of the evening!

Just get cracking. Kissers, kissers...

ALL: Kissers, kissers,

kissers, kissers,

kissers, kissers, kissers...

I think it's for the best.

Oh.

I can't believe she's still going on about me fancying her.

Are you sure you don't? Because we all saw what happened.

- I misjudged the spin.
- Oh, all right, Mike Gatting.

People seemed to think you'd rigged it - there was talk of a weighted bottle.

Who suggested that?

Well, Abby did. I was the person who started the WhatsApp group

- on how you might've done it.
- Unbelievable.

Mm, that's what people were saying until I suggested the use of magnets.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party, and I left my cardigan there.

Oh, well, we all know what that says.

Standard flirt's move.

Why does everyone think I fancy her?

Well, for a kick-off, you keep bringing up that you don't fancy her,

which is a classic sign of fancying someone.

Well, what am I going to do? Say I fancy her?

I wouldn't do that, mate. If anything, that will confirm her suspicions.

Well, you see my problem, then.

- DOORBELL RINGS
- Mm.

Only one play at spin the bottle, eh?

I told you, there was too much peer pressure.

Of course there was, Zammo.

What would you say to mauve long johns?

- What?
- All right, how about plum flares?

- No.
- Oh, tricky customer.

Worry not, there's something for everyone on Geoff's rail.

GEOFF CHUCKLES

How about a cowskin waistcoat?

Excuse me, Geoff, I'm trying to watch Cash In The Attic.

Well, welcome to the live version.

I bring good news and even better threads.

What?

The great thing about renting to people of a similar size

and build to you is that they get first dibs when you're clearing out

your wardrobe.

On that subject, is Kate around?

We don't want your hand-me-downs, Geoff.

These aren't hand-me-downs, these are vintage.

Clearly. Just bin them, Geoff.

Well, maybe he could if you took the bins out.

I told you, the heaping of contents is yet to reach the required gradient.

Mm, trouble in paradise?

This isn't paradise, Geoff.

In that case, why have I got this?

Mm? No takers? How about this?

- Why don't you just give them to a charity shop?
- I'm not Bono.

There's gold in them there frills.

Yes, I've been sitting on that all morning.

Is that why it's so creased?

Who's going to start the bidding?

Do I hear £1 for the frilly shirt? £1, £1, £1 for the frilly...

Oh, my God.

£1, thank you. £1.50, do I hear? £1.50, £1.50...

Get out.

Thank you, sold to the man with the blond straggly hair.

- PHILLIPA:
- Are you kidding me? These shots are yours?

Look at the lighting! They are more overexposed than Rylan Clark.

Seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself...

- Kate.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thanks for coming in.

No, thanks for having me. Oh, God, before I forget,

you will not believe how that party on Saturday ended.

- Do you remember my housemate Owen?
- Kate, we're on work time now.

- Please focus.
- Oh, yes, sorry, focus, like a camera.

- So, portfolio?
- Yep.

PHONE RINGS

Oh. Jessie, speak to me.

Well, what do you mean she's dropped out?

Well, can't she take photos with the arm that isn't broken?

How is it my responsibility?

I wasn't the one she was arm-wrestling.

Fine, tell them of course I will find a replacement.

Kate, are you free to do a last-minute shoot?

Er, yes, I am.

I haven't told you when it is yet.

Oh, right, yes, when is it?

Wednesday night.

Yeah, I can probably make that work.

Good. We need images for a four-page profile piece.

Are you familiar with Brazilian street music?

Er, is Dario G Brazilian?

- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.

Right, Gabriella Luiz grew up in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro,

she couldn't afford any musical instruments so she had to learn

to create music from things she found to hand,

you know, bin lids, brooms, etc. Are you familiar with Stomp?

Is that the Blue Man Group?

- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.

Right, we only have an hour in the studio with Gabriella,

and she speaks very little English,

she hates being photographed and she has a reputation for being incredibly awkward.

I mean, what's the most difficult shoot you've done?

Oh, er, you know how they say never work with children or animals?

Well, I once took a photo of a baby on a dog.

Right, if she is being difficult, do not let her push you around.

You have to take control. I'm talking velvet glove, iron fist.

- Are you good at not being pushed around?
- Um, well, I...

- Because I think you are.
- Yeah, no, I'm brilliant at it.

TV ON QUIETLY

Shall we just skip this bit? We know the kitchen porter didn't do it.

I thought that was the sous chef.

There's the off chance I might've just googled the kitchen porter.

Can you please stop double-screening?

Don't worry, I can handle it.

I once watched Back To The Future I, II and III at the same time,

I was in six different time zones.

I'm not answering your questions if you miss something.

Don't worry, mate, I don't need your help.

Remember, I'm the person who could cope with seeing Marty McFly on a hover board,

sauntering into the saloon bar and kissing his mother at the same time.

Look, can we please just watch this without your constant interruptions?

OK.

Oh, the kitchen porter did a porno. I wonder if I can find it.

Oh, for God's sake! Right, I'm going to make a cup of tea.

I think you should go camomile, mate. You seem a little stressed.

I am not stressed.

What the hell is this?!

Oh, we'd run out of bin bags, so I, er, created a satellite bin.

- Why didn't you just buy more bin bags?
- I'll buy them tomorrow.

I think today our focus should solely be on Dead Alibi.

How am I meant to concentrate on the admissibility of forensic evidence

if I'm worrying about satellite bin bags?

- Don't think about them, then.
- You know I don't like bin gasses polluting the flat.

Oh, all right, David Icke.

Oh, did I tell you about the time I shared an Airbnb with David Icke?

- What?
- The man is a perfect housemate,

although, interestingly, does not believe in recycling.

His argument is, if the world's run by 12-foot lizards, what's the point?

Look, can we just get the bin bags and then I can relax?

Absolutely, no problem at all, completely under control.

I've just realised I've forgotten my wallet. Sorry, mate.

- Are you kidding me?
- Are you all right to shout me the bags?

- Only a couple of quid. I'll pay you back.
- You never pay me back!

- What about those festival tickets?
- It wasn't that long ago.

David Bowie headlined. Look, you go back and get it and I'll wait here.

Oh, you are unbelievable.

It looked like I'd been staking out her house.

Are you sure you don't fancy her? I mean, all the evidence would suggest otherwise.

No, it's just been a series of unfortunate events.

All right, Lemony Snicket.

If you want to make a move, I've got loads of great tips.

Have you ever thought about sending her a text message

that's supposedly for someone else?

Yeah, I tried that trick once - worked a treat.

I hadn't heard from my mum for six months.

One text, supposedly for Dad, and there she was back in touch.

And there I was back in the will.

Truly heart-warming.

Anyway, I'd love to stick around and talk about this all day

but I've got to go to work,

and then I've got a potentially career-defining photoshoot

with a Brazilian street musician to prepare for,

which I'm feeling... absolutely fine about.

When was the last time you actually did a photoshoot?

Well, there was that photo of your nephew on the dog.

- He's now ten.
- In dog years?

No, my nephew. If you did that photo now, he would flatten the dog.

OK, well, natural talent can't be taught

and I have the natural talent of a favourite student.

Although, to balance that out, I am more scared than I have ever been in my life.

Thank God I've got that A in Spanish GCSE,

otherwise we wouldn't even be able to communicate.

I mean, you do know in Brazil they speak Portuguese?

Oh, God.

I could do with some photos if you want to practise?

Really?

You never know when you'll need a recent photo.

Personalised Christmas card, landlord charity calendar,

image for the side of a milk carton in case I go missing.

We don't have people on the side of milk cartons here. We've got cows.

Who would report a missing cow?

What would be the point of that? They all look the same.

No. Geoff, the, ah...

What? Are we not supposed to say that any more?

I can't keep up!

TV ON QUIETLY

DOORBELL RINGS

Don't you dare put on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two.

You're not the most relaxed box-set buddy, are you?

- Abby.
- Hi, Josh.

Er, I can explain about yesterday, I was just...

I don't need to hear a story, Josh. I understand.

- Good, I was worried that you...
- I know it must be difficult for you,

with me living nearby, but we have to find a way to deal with this.

- But that isn't...
- Josh, this isn't going to happen.

- Right, is that everything?
- No, I've got your cardigan here,

just because I feel it is best if we draw a line under that tactic as well.

It is not a tactic.

I thought you'd have left these feelings at university, Josh.

No, they weren't at university. I'm not in love with you.

You know, you don't need to deny it.

I'm not denying it.

You literally just denied it.

No, I was denying denying it.

Well, two wrongs don't make a right.

That doesn't make sense.

Love rarely does.

What does that even mean?

Look, I am fully trained in dealing with this kind of infatuation

and the first step on the road to recovery is you need to admit it to yourself.

I have nothing to admit, because I'm not in love with you.

This was just a series of unfortunate events.

Oh, Josh, you're not Lemony Snicket.

Look, I'm not going until you're honest with me.

I am being honest with you.

Right, if I say that I was in love with you at university,

will you leave me alone?

- If that's how you need to frame it, Josh, that's OK.
- Fine.

So...?

I was in love with you at university.

Good. That's an important first step.

- Well done, Josh. I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.

Look, I didn't feel that you were ready to hear this before

but I have something to tell you.

I have started seeing someone.

Great, delighted for you.

I know that's a lie and I appreciate

you wanting to protect me from your pain but, Josh,

it's time to stop loving me and start loving yourself.

Mm?

All the best.

Brief warning - if you start loving yourself too often, you will go blind.

Is that Anton du Beke?

Come on! Right.

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Yep.
- Oh!

Hello, Katie Kodak.

Hello, Geoff. Er, welcome. So what are you after today?

I was wondering, would you be able to drill down

and capture a really honest portrait of humble old Geoff?

Er, sure. I mean, what I normally do is, erm...

Or you could just take a load of photos of me in different outfits

for eBay.

Er, yeah, no, that sounds good.

# Pump up the jam

# Pump it up, pump it up

# Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it

# Pump it, pump it, pump it

# Pump it up a little more

# Get the party going on the dance floor

# See, cos that's where the party's at

# And you'll find out if you do that... #

Well, that went pretty well. It got your confidence up in the end.

Yeah. Just need to remember to keep my thumb well out of the way.

- Easy to forget how big a thumb is.
- Yeah, right.

Particularly yours. I mean, half those photos look like they're being photobombed by Ross Kemp!

All right, Geoff.

- No, I'm glad I was able to help.
- Yeah, no.

Well, thanks for doing this.

No. Thank you. If anything, I should be paying you.

Ah, well, you still can.

Well, no, let's not bring money into this.

It'd be a shame to spoil a lovely experience.

Oh, before I go,

could we try just one more shot?

- Yeah.
- I was thinking,

go with me on this,

er, a straight-on shot of me close up,

cropped just below the shoulders on a neutral background.

- Do you need a new passport photo, Geoff?
- Yes, I do.

Apparently you're not supposed to submit a photo of yourself wearing a headband,

even though it was clearly me. It had "Geoff" written on it.

I mean, there is a concern a Brazilian street musician

will be more difficult to photograph than Geoff.

Who do you want me to practise on? Enrique Iglesias?

He's Spanish.

Oh, my God. Is everyone bloody Spanish?!

Good luck. Tuck in those thumbs.

- Why's she got a loaf of bread on her head?
- Have you taken the bins out yet?

Mate, I only just bought the bin bags, now you want me to get rid of them!

- Why are you putting your coat on? Are you going out?
- Just for a few drinks.

We're meant to be finishing watching Dead Alibi tonight.

If you go out, I'm going to finish it without you.

That is fine by me, cos watching a box set with you is hell.

It's like a night in with Justin Lee Collins.

Anyway, probably for the best you're staying in.

You'd never get into Bar 54 dressed like that.

These are my comfy, staying-in clothes.

You're dressed like you're on your period.

Do you want me to get you a slab of Galaxy?

- Oh, piss off!
- No problem.

When I get back, I'll do you a hot-water bottle.

- Sorry I'm late.
- We have only got the studio booked for an hour.

You've already cost us five minutes. That's 50 potential shots wasted.

Sorry, my Google Maps got confused.

This is the busiest photography studio in London.

- Have you never been here before?
- Yes, I just got it mixed up with its sister branch.

- In New York?!
- Yes.

Right, Gabriella is waiting for you in Delta.

She has all her instruments with her, but she's on difficult form.

Delta? The studio we've booked.

Yeah, sorry, the reason I reacted like that is cos I've done

so much work in Delta that I'm now emotionally dead to it.

We are wasting more time.

- PHONE RINGS
- Claudia.

Winkleman? Oh, no, sorry.

Stop doing that. Right, erm... Hmm.

METAL CLATTERS

Hi, Gabriella, I am so sorry I'm late.

- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Yeah

WOMAN CONTINUES TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE

Oh, no, no. Please, please don't leave, um...

KATE SPEAKS A MIXTURE OF SPANISH AND PORTUGUESE

- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Please.

Cos this is a really big break for me,

so if you could just stick around.

If I could just pop you over onto the stage. That's it, lovely.

Here we go. Whoop, whoop!

MUSIC ON TV

Shit!

Oh! Probably don't need flash anyway. It's pretty bright in here.

OK. So... you look very engaging.

OK, so, um, what about with the broom?

El... broom?

Gracias, in Portuguese. Okey dokey.

Right, that's... That is lovely.

OK, and again, bang, bang.

There we go. Lovely. And again.

Oh, ah, crazy!

That is good.

Gabriella? The... The shoot has finished?

# Pump, pump up the jam

# Pump it up, pump it up

# Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it

# Pump it, pump it, pump it... #

Oh, we're in Rio now, baby. I'm in Rio now, oh, oh!

Yeah, I'm really feeling it. I'm really feeling it.

- Kate!
- Oh, this is great. Oh, hi, Phillipa.

Gabriella Luiz.

And that's Maria, the cleaner.

# Pump up the jam, pump up the jam

# Pump it up, pump it, pump it

# Pump it, pump up the jam... #

Owen!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no!

SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS No!

Owen!

Yo, yo, yo, yo. Sorry, you can't come in if you're not wearing shoes.

No, I just need to go in to talk to my...

You're not coming in wearing dinosaur feet.

- Who'd you borrow them from? Dr Ian Malcolm?
- Who?

He's Jeff Goldblum's character from Jurassic Park.

But why would he have these? He had a terrible weekend.

If anything, it would just bring it all back.

He saw a lawyer get eaten on the toilet.

Did he see that? Wasn't he in the car sheltering from the rain?

They weren't sheltering from the rain, they were sheltering from a T rex.

Another point - who drinks water from a glass when they're in a car? No-one.

No, I think what they were... Why are we talking about this?

I need to talk to my flatmate urgently.

Oh, really?

Yes, I'm locked out and my sausages are smoking.

Oh, the old "I've been locked out and my sausages are smoking" routine.

If I'd had a pound for every time I'd heard that excuse,

I'd be able to open up a theme park on an island where we'd serve bottled water.

Now jog on.

Owen!

Owen!

MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION

Owen!

Owen! Oh, come on. Owen! Owen!

Owen! Owen!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's not...

SIREN WAILS

Oh, my God! Is that a fire engine? My sausages!

MUSIC: Life in A Northern Town by Dream Academy

You're a terrible friend. I don't think you should be kissing Abby.

- Oh, sorry, mate. Do you like her? You should've said.
- No, I don't like her.

- So, I don't see what the problem is, then.
- Well, there isn't a problem.

- Well, good, unless you fancy her.
- No, I don't fancy her.

So what's the problem? Cos there's only a problem if you fancy her.

No, the problem is that you were kissing her.

- What? Because you fancy her?
- No.
- That's the problem?

- No, I don't fancy her.
- Well, that's absolutely fine, then, isn't it?

If you don't fancy her, I can kiss her and we can carry on with our lives.

- Yeah, no problem.
- Good.

To be honest, considering you don't fancy her,

you talk about her an awful lot.

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Doo-doo, ai-ai

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Hey!

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Doo-doo, ai-ai

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Doo-doo, ai-ai

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Doo-doo, ai-ai

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Hey, ma, ma, ma

# Hey, hey, hey, ma, ma, ma... #