Jonathan Creek (1997–2016): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Seer of the Sands - full transcript

Not now, Mickey. Thank you.

Migraine. Very bad.

Just thought it seemed a bit smeary, sir.

Sorry. Yes.
Perhaps I'll go and water the hydrangeas.

Oh.

Mr Mallory!

Oh, God! Please, no.

No.

Ashley?

Why would he get drunk and then take a boat out?

The most level-headed man in the universe.
I just didn't know what to do.



He must have just gone smack into the rocks.

He was right here.

He was...

Oh, God.

The sea must have taken him.

Hello? Can you hear me?

Wheelchair coming through.

Here we go, everyone. Quiet, please.

Stand by... and action.

Mentalism - the power of the ancient seers

to predict and control
the innermost workings of the human mind -

can still be demonstrated here today.

Madam, I wonder
if you could look deep into my eyes

and give me any number between one and 50.



26.

- Thank you for your time.
- Cut there. Reset. Going again.

Three fucking days I've been at this, Jonathan.
I'm running out of shoe leather.

Sir, could you give me any number
between one and 50?

- 17
- Any number between one and 50.

- 33.
- Any number between one and 50.

- Two and a half.
- 27.

- 11.
- 42.

- Eight.
- 25.

- 16.
- 36.

- Thank you. 36, did you say?
- Yeah.

OK. If you'd care to lift up my shirt?

Go on.

- Oh! Oh, my God!
- That's the one.

Mr Daniels? You don't know me.

No... But I've been expecting you.

Sadly, Mr Klaus, it's our experience
that most operations in the borough -

media-related ones especially -
make little provision for ethnic minorities

or for those with disabilities.

Maybe if we move that lettering up...

Jonathan Creek.

You're not serious?

For example, after that assault,
you were talking about upping your security.

You might like to consider this gentleman -
Josef Chelyabinski.

Skills include boxing, fencing, martial arts.

- If anyone could do with a break...
- He looks perfect.

It seems to me, Phylicia, we need
more guidance on these matters.

- Maybe we could discuss it over dinner?
- OK. Bye.

Oh. This is Jonathan.

Who I took on as my creative assistant
six years ago. What a boon he's been.

Phylicia is with the council to give us
some pointers on equal opportunities.

A pleasure to meet you. Well done.

OK. I have to dash,
but, yes, dinner would be nice.

I'll give you a call. Take care, now.

Bringing you back to the real world.

We've got a major crisis with the snake trick.

Health & Safety aren't too keen on us
using a live python.

In their view, "These creatures can be
rather dangerous. " Yes. That's the point.

You could escape
from the coils of a large earthworm.

Leave it with me. Now I've set up
an interface with the authorities,

I'm sure it can be resolved.

What order do you want it in?

I'm Geraldine Vaccaro.

I'm originally from Sacramento,
now living in LA.

I work for Tri-State Aeronautics

as Senior Vice-President,
Expansion and Development.

For the last 18 months of his life...

I was Justin Mallory's secret lover.

- I'll put the kettle on, then.
- You're just gonna take my word for it?

- I could be anybody.
- I've got a trusting nature.

20 years. We shared a lot of confidences,
but some things we just left unsaid.

I didn't know when or where
or who she was, but I knew.

And I knew there were complications.

One complication.

My husband - a US congressman
who didn't take to the idea of a divorce

lest it taint his wholesome image.

When the news came through
what had happened, I...

It's all wrong. I'm sorry.

Did something upset him that night?

So much that he flies out to sea with
a head full of sour mash into some rocks?

That afternoon, I faxed him with good news.

Rex - my husband - was finally ready
to put us out of our misery and let go.

I wanted to call to tell him,
but I was already late for a meeting,

so I just fired it off
like a quick one-liner to make his day.

"Pressing Rex for a divorce again this morning.

"He said 'No one would have to suffer
much longer. ' Talk to you tonight. "

From the way it was all screwed up,
I'd say this was what upset him.

That's not logical.
We're not getting the whole picture.

Sadly, the only one who can
make sense of it isn't here any more.

Then again...

He was desperate to believe
there was something else.

But all those years -
knee-deep in scams and con tricks,

cranky mediums and phoney psychics -

what did he ever find
to give him one grain of hope?

I don't know.
Wouldn't that be his greatest triumph?

If Justin Mallory, ghost hunter,
returned to us now...

to explain his own death.

Hey, I don't remember it going this well.

That was when you stepped
in some dog shit. They moved it along.

Right.

Hello?

I'll be right down.

My new bodyguard. What was
his name again? Josef Chelyabinski.

Josef. Josef. You nearly through here?

Two more minutes.

- Hi. You well?
- Hi.

I was in the next block down with Brendan.
I wondered if you fancied a coffee.

Mr Klaus?

- Josef?
- Thanks for the gig, man.

There's a lot of prejudice,
but you're above that. I appreciate it.

How are we doing with that jacket?
Let me give you a hand.

Jonathan. I don't think you've met
my new personal security adviser.

You've got to be... Josef. How do you do?

I know who I am. What's your story?
Back off until I give you clearance to approach.

- I beg your pardon?
- You heard. Hit the brickwork.

Spread out.
That goes for Little Miss Muffet as well.

What are you losers gawping at?
It's not an eye test, Granny. Keep it moving.

Yes, well...

I think it's time I was getting along
to the theatre, so...

- No problem.
- Jonathan. Guess we'll catch up later.

Oh... Thank you.

- It's a very lovely spot.
- Yes.

But for you there is sadness here.

- You know about the accident.
- I have never passed this way before.

I know only what I feel.

In the air.

A voice calling.

You hear?

What do you hear?

One whose life was lost in this place.
Someone very precious to you.

It's as if he wishes to communicate.

Yes.

You are to speak to him now. Ask him.

You are to ask him five questions.

Please. Ask.

Five questions? Five questions.

How are you? Dumb.

Where are you?

- How did you die?
- How did you die?

- Do you still love me?
- Do you still love me?

17 across. "Something hideous
got bigger, we hear. " Eight letters.

What the hell is that?

This is strange.

He has already answered these questions.
Before we came.

Beneath you.

In the sand.

I must go now. I will come again.

No, wait. What do you mean...?

Beneath me?

How are you? "I'm good. "

Where are you? "I have passed beyond. "

How did you die? "I crashed my boat. "
Do you still love me?

"I'll never stop loving you. "

"Something hideous got bigger, we hear. "

"Gruesome. "

Hideous. Got bigger. Grew-some. Come on.

I'm with you. From deep within his watery grave,
he sent you a message in a bottle?

His bottle. His favourite make of bourbon.
It was underneath me.

Answers to questions I couldn't have predicted.

I know what you're thinking, Mickey.
Not this time. This is for real.

He's here with us still.

What happened? You get lost?

Um... no. I bumped into Jonathan, actually.

With Mr Klaus and his new minder.

- So we went for a coffee.
- And how is he?

- He's fine. Quite fine.
- Good-oh.

- Brendan, I sometimes wonder...
- Hm?

Whether it ever quite sank in.

That I was quite attracted
to Jonathan at one time.

I never actually... lowered the little
drawbridge, as my mum would say, but...

- We had our moments.
- Hey.

- You can stop worrying.
- I can?

Life is full of lost liaisons, and when
are we ever masters of our own hearts?

That's right.

We've got too much trust in each other
to feel guilty about something so stupid.

- That I'm friendly with an old boyfriend...
- Or that I was once married to a man.

It's hardly a reason to... What did you just say?

This book that arrived...

Jonathan Creek.

Hi. My name's Mickey Daniels.

The strangest things
have been happening down here.

I can't believe what you're telling me!
You and Alvin Turtelbaum?

It was my first time in the States.
I was young. Impulsive.

- It was a marriage of convenience.
- Convenience?!

He was a major player with the studios.
It opened doors.

To him I was just a trophy wife
to look good on his arm.

- I'm going to be sick.
- It was short and sweet.

- What was?
- Six months we were together. If that.

- I'm quite touched he still remembers me.
- So did you and he have...?

Good God, no!

A co-production deal?
His lawyers would have eaten me alive.

It was just one of those mad episodes.
I hardly thought it worth mentioning.

And can I say I think we're being
a little bit homophobic here.

Don't take that patronising tone with me.

I find your conduct duplicitous
and staggeringly insensitive!

- Duplicitous? What happened to trust?
- Sod that!

I've got to get away from here.
Get my head round all this.

I haven't called at a bad moment?

All right, then. Let's hear it.

Sorry?

The choice remark you've been
working on ever since we left London.

I was just wondering
what the technical term was.

- It's not so much "bigamy" as "bugger me".
- Very good. Positively Swiftian.

- Feel better now?
- Much better.

Look, you didn't have to come.
I could have got the train.

So who was Justin Mallory anyway?

A man who exposed hoaxes
about ghosts and spirits?

A bit like Houdini of old.

The irony here being now
it's his own ghost we've got to lay to rest.

There's no question it's a trick...
and a bloody good one.

Professionally and very meticulously plotted.

- Which begs the inevitable question...
- Why?

A credulous Californian desperate
to contact her dear departed -

it's a cinch she's going to lap it up.

And what if...? You're saying they never did
find his body again.

How can we be sure he was dead?

- You'll have to take my word for that.
- Oh. Ashley.

Took care of all the paperwork,
dictation, whatever.

That's the last
of the acknowledgements for signature.

Sadly, I come from a family of undertakers.

I've seen what goes inside a coffin
too often to be fooled.

If there'd been so much
as a shred of life left there...

- Sorry. This is...
- Of course it is.

You know, he was quite a fan.

Had that same way
of seeing a different side to things.

You'd talk to him about death
and how horrible it all was,

and he'd point to a tree in autumn.

When I said nuclear explosions
should be banned, you know what he said?

Then there's be no stars?

Beyond the body, there is nothing else.

Nothing for her to find.

She said she'd come back.
What the hell is her game?

I have travelled through many lands,
met many who grieve as you do -

those who seek solace
from souls that have passed on.

Whose thoughts are revealed to you.

Here, where he lived and worked...

Often they return unseen from the other side.

Yes. The presence is strong here.

A whisper on the sea breeze. You hear it?

As if he seeks to guide you.

His wisdom is everything to me.
What does he see?

The future? My future? Please tell me.

A journey... soon.

To a place of angels.

Of gentle waters.

Where the man of peace shall prevail
over the man of war.

And you will bid farewell finally to the king.

- He talks in riddles. I'm sorry.
- No.

No. Place of angels - Los Angeles.
That's very clear.

My office on Fountain Avenue
would be the gentle waters.

The man of peace?

On my desk I have two contract tenders.

Pacific Union and General & Western.

Pacific - pacifist, man of peace.

Man of war - General.

So Pacific must prevail.

And farewell to the king...

Rex, I guess, my husband, who...

Sadly we just split up, so...

Look, we said once - Justin and I -
if ever this should happen,

that we'd have a codeword.

A completely random word -
I think he just stuck a pin in a dictionary.

- And only the two of us would ever know it.
- As proof it is really him.

Of course.

Yes?

He tries now to tell me.

He tries...

Andonea... Oh, my God.

What is it? Are you all right?

Another force suddenly. I don't know.

Something horrible... and destructive.

- What in God's name...?
- Can of something fell over.

Now I've got your gluey hair all stuck to mine!

Stop pulling.

Come on.

I can't do this.

Can we just pause and sort ourselves out?

You're such a hippopotamus!
I'll never take you ballroom dancing.

- Ballroom dancing?
- Try and keep in step. We're losing her.

Two and a half miles we've been walking
like a BBC publicity photo.

My cervical vertebrae
will be permanently kinked.

YOU'RE permanently kinked.

You're right.
We're never going to catch her like this.

Here we go, folks.
Shout if you're still hungry.

Thanks, but if I consume more
than my own weight in pasta, I get sluggish.

- But it was very delicious, Mickey.
- Thank you.

Sorry for all the sneaking around today,

but if it does turn out
she's got some agenda...

No "if" about that, I'd say.

All that pantomime dialogue
and RSC gypsy acting.

- You don't know her name or anything.
- Andonea Bellacci.

She and her husband are from a village
20 miles south of Trieste.

OK. But she was unable to produce
that code word when you mentioned it.

Because some other malevolent force
intervened.

What say we just wait and see, Mr Creek?
She may yet surprise us all.

This is giving me the willies.

Don't get me wrong.
Looking after him, his house...

I had a lot of time for him, as a person.

As a ghost...

It's all passed to his brother now,
of course - in New Zealand.

Seems in no hurry to kick me out.

Oh, bloody harvest flies. Look at 'em.

Get everywhere this time of year.
And they itch to buggery.

Soon as you hoover one lot up,
in come another squadron.

El Capitan, would this be?

- Yosemite National Park.
- Spot on.

The demon of the Sierra Nevada -
turned out to be a bear that trod in some paint.

- Lovely part of the world.
- Odd choice of photo to keep by your bed.

Never struck me.
Too busy trying to keep it clean.

- Sorry?
- There was always a smear on the glass.

Didn't matter how many times I cleaned it,
next day there it was back again.

You know what I reckon?

- What's that?
- I made far too much spaghetti.

How you can just glibly say it's a trick!
How could it be?

When it was underneath her?
Answers to questions she hadn't asked yet.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Much more likely that the ghost
of Justin Mallory foretold the future

and sent her a message in a bottle that
could only be located by a psychic gypsy.

Clear your mind of paranormal junk
and think about what was physically possible,

however trite or contrived it may seem.

If you want to do something useful,
look in those huts, and try and focus.

Yes, sir. Would I be
looking for anything in particular?

Absolutely, but I don't
want to cloud your objectivity.

I presume this is what you're after.

Have you gone completely loopy?

I was thinking more a loose floorboard or...

It would help, wouldn't it, if I knew
what was a clue and what wasn't!

Hut number one. Which proves?

It doesn't prove anything,
but if fits in very neatly.

That can't be their campfire
still burning like that, surely?

OK.

She'd already been to that same spot
on the beach before because of the rock.

Clearly, it'd be impossible to plant
the bottle there after the event...

- Clearly.
- But you could pre-rig the empty bottle.

The trick then is to get the piece of paper inside.

How's she supposed to have done that?
Using a trained lugworm to nudge it in?

Hold that thought, nurture it,

expand it into something more practical,
and you're there.

I suggest all they needed was a hosepipe,
some cable and a radio connection.

You are to ask him five questions.

- How did you die?
- How did you die?

Something hideous got bigger, we hear.

This is strange. He has already
answered these questions.

Before we came. Beneath you.

The impressive thing was the speed
with which he got the crossword clue.

The guy must have had a pretty quick br...

That's where I've seen him before.
This is making a lot more sense.

Is it? That's a relief. I'd hate to think
I hadn't got a clue what you were talking...

Am I the only one
who can see what's happening?

It's like she was his voice,
and any minute,

he was going to tell us
how he died and who was responsible.

We don't know... maybe never will know...
that was her body in there.

And that stuff
on the beach wasn't hard to engineer.

Right

With this giant catheter
they carry round with them.

Credit me with the power to discriminate,
Mr Creek, between truth and trickery.

And, you know...
have a little faith in people.

Hey, what have you got? Tits for eyeballs?

Go on. Leg it, lady.

How long is it going to take to reset?
I've got about 45.

That thing in there with the snake.
That is the dog's bollocks.

Oh, man! That's a lot of gravy
for a little liver. Give it here.

No worries, Mr Klaus.
I'm in total control of my faculties.

What's he after now?

No doubt we'll know when he's found it.

Every couple of hours,
maybe hose him down with some soda.

I think we can safely assume this is the man
who conceived it all - Leo Jorgensen.

For 20 years, one of the Las Vegas Strip's
leading mentalists,

or psychic magicians,

and a known family friend
of certain organised crime syndicates.

No idea who she was - an assistant he roped in.

What's that mean?

Now they've achieved their objective,

our two bogus gypsies
have almost certainly buggered off,

leaving behind a burnt-out caravan
and a skeleton to keep us guessing.

Sorry... Achieved their objective? What objective?
I'm struggling to see the point.

The point of it was never hard to fathom.

Even with an ear full of glue,
she spelt it out in that boat shed.

Spelt what out?

When I get a reply to my email,
which won't be till the morning,

hopefully we'll get it all nailed down.

In the meantime,
there's the small problem of a ghost to lay.

Wow! For a dummy that looks almost human.

- Hey. How are you?
- And it speaks!

You're just in time to see my breathtaking
escape from the Swamp of Doom.

- Soon as they've rounded up Barney.
- Barney is?

The daddy of them all,
but a teddy bear when you meet him.

Someone left the latch off and he's
gone slither-about, but he's around.

By the way, how are you getting on
with Josef? He settling in?

- Josef. Yes. He's quite a character.
- Oh, my God!

I've heard he can be a little tricky,
but the fact you're willing to give him a chance

and allow him to express himself
will turn his life around.

We do what we can.

Would you excuse me a second?

I guess at least he didn't feel any pain.

- Morning. Sleep well?
- As it happens, no.

It doesn't take much to convince you.
There is something in this house.

- I barely got a wink of sleep...
- Oh!

My God.

- God.
- What is it?

He's here. You see this?

This was it - the word we agreed on.
You wanted proof, Mr Creek?

You're looking at it now. Clear, unequivocal proof.

I can't argue with that.

It's certainly proof.

Proof that you can be tricked
into believing anything.

- We swore never to divulge this to a soul.
- I'm not suggesting you did.

So how do you explain
that a word no other living being knew

magically appeared in my tea cup?

I'm afraid I put it there.

I'm not denying luck played a part in it.
Sometimes you just have to take a punt.

When you said that to her...

"A completely random word -
I think he just stuck a pin in a dictionary. "

It's as good a place to start as any.

It took me half the night
and could have been fruitless, but...

Point being you see how quickly
"a miracle" becomes mundane.

The ghost of Justin Mallory was a fiction
tailor-made for our two con merchants.

They know you're going
to hang on his every word

from beyond the grave, like some oracle -

making you a soft touch
for a bit of very cynical manipulation.

A friend of mine in the States
has helped me fill in the gaps.

The company that you work for in LA -
that you practically run -

is considering two major tenders

for a construction project
worth several hundred million dollars.

A commission that's basically in your gift.

Say one of the two
doesn't want to leave it to chance.

Backhanders are a bit risky these days,
so they put our psychic expert on the case

with a brief to nudge you in the right
direction without you being aware of it.

After tracking you, they come up with a plan.

First to hook you with that message in a bottle,

then follow it up with cryptic
pronouncements from the spirit world

that steered you towards their client.

Pacific Union and General & Western -
man of peace and man of war?

Where the man of peace shall prevail
over the man of war.

Pacific must prevail. Right.

The names of the two companies were a gift.

Is it me, or does this all sound a bit batty?

It's too batty for words.

But in a county where Nancy Reagan's
horoscope can affect foreign policy...

we should keep an open mind.

I, um... I need to make a few calls.

So... Do you miss her ever?

- Your "friend" in America?
- Who's that?

The smear on that photograph.

That would make sense.

Do you know the difference
between landscape and portrait?

I should hope so. One goes upwards,
the other goes crossways.

And how often do you see a landscape
photo in a portrait-shaped frame?

Utterly stupid,
but that's why it's been bugging me.

Why?

A very good question.

It explains that strange smear on the glass
that kept reappearing every morning.

But why hide it during the day?

Because there was someone else
who was here in the day

he didn't want to know about his relationship.

She would have been more than
just a secretary to him - if he'd wanted?

Ever since her father had his stroke,
things seemed to weigh on her.

I suppose, with no one else in her life,
there was a lonely air to her.

You don't think she'd have been capable of...?

Just because he didn't want to know.

It doesn't make sense though.

If she didn't know about Geraldine,
where's her motive to kill him?

These bloody things get in your hair.

Why have I got this horrible feeling
in my stomach?

There was something a bit creepy in her eyes.

I suppose looking after a sick relative
all the time, there's a resentment there.

I suppose. But why carry that around
with you afterwards?

How do you mean, "afterwards"?
You said he'd had a stroke.

She nursed him through right to the end,
but her father's been dead two years.

Oh, my God.

You... sick... twisted... murdering bitch!

Bitch!

- You killed him!
- No!

I would never ever have! I loved him!

I loved him!

I think we're all clear Ashley needs some help.

- I don't think she was ever a murderer.
- How can you say that?

- How do you know what happened?
- I don't.

But on all the available evidence,
I'm going to go for a long shot and say...

I think Justin Mallory was killed by a harvest fly.

Someone we love dies...
Fairly natural we don't want to let go.

We want them still to be there.

And if you can't get behind
the idea of a soul or a spirit...

What was it she said?
"There is nothing else beyond the body. "

She dragged him
all the way up the beach that night.

So it was like,
if she couldn't possess him in life...

I know, but... when she said
about coming from a family of undertakers,

you didn't imagine she'd still have access
to all those things they use to...

I think we can assume he was aware
how close to the edge she was.

Saw no reason to make things worse with
a photo of the woman he planned to marry.

I don't think there's any doubt
about his intentions.

From everything we've heard,

you're looking at a man
who was deeply and passionately in love.

Which makes it bizarre that when a fax
tells him the months of agony are over,

he flies off in a drunken rage
and ends up crashing his boat.

We're all agreed it doesn't add up.

It's almost as if he read something
completely different.

Except we know this is what he read.

The words couldn't have somehow
changed between then and now.

But what could have changed?

Something that was on this fax one minute
and then subsequently disappeared

that totally transformed the whole meaning.

A comma.

"Guess what - pressing Rex
for a divorce again this morning -

"he said no one would have to suffer much
longer. Talk to you tonight. Geraldine. "

Has to be a cause for celebration.

But to a man probably
more insecure than we knew,

convinced that your husband was putting
everyone through the wringer,

how much damage would have been done
by a small black speck

that had cruelly just landed in the wrong place?

Guess what - pressing Rex
for a divorce again this morning -

he said no,
one would have to suffer much longer.

Talk to you tonight. Geraldine.

You won't be in a hurry to get back, then.

We're getting flak
from the vertically-challenged lobby

and animal rights
because the snake had to be destroyed.

Still, Adam's a professional.
I expect he'll be able to rise above it.

Come on! It's not that bad.

How about you and him?
Are you ready to forgive and forget?

If you want the truth, I've absolutely
no idea where I am in my life just lately.

One minute I think I know and then...

All I know at this precise moment
is how wonderful it is...

to just have a bit of space.

How are we doing? Another winner in the can,
I hear. Can't wait to see it on screen.

Jewish New Year. Industry's like
a ghost town. I thought I'd surprise you.

You're looking flustered. Bad hair day?