Jonathan Creek (1997–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Problem at Gallows Gate: Part 1 - full transcript

Slow down.
I think it's coming up on the left.

Holey moley!

How many cats could you swing in there?

Bachelor pad, my elbow!

Oh!

- Oh, God damn it, Duncan!
- I'm sorry!

I heard you pull up. I thought
you might need some light. How are you?

Yes, just the ticket for nearly plunging
into an open grave. My heart!

The family plot... my mother and father.

What the hell's it doing open?

Er... I'll tell you later.



- Shall we get inside? It's freezing.
- Yes, well...

Many happy ones, anyway.

You've met Clare, haven't you?

Three times, but who's counting?
Right. Of course.

So, who don't you know?
Rand and Rosamund. Lincoln and Thalia.

This is Felicity and...
Oh, lordy, I'm so sorry.

- Clare.
- Clare. Now, Neville you have met.

Neville, my bestest buddy in all the world.

Hi.

Sandy and Tom from Auckland...

and Derek,
who's something very big in the City.

The Thames Flood Barrier!

And further down the food chain,
my ex-comrades Ben and Buster.

So, a bit of hush now, everybody, please...



for a trick shot
that's just a little bit different.

- Army humour. One reason why I got out.
- Oh... Happy birthday.

A- ha. What have we here?

Oh, right! I see.
This is how you see me.

I love it!

The new Gerald Scarfe, everyone!

I adore it... totally.

- And from me. Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

Now, I'll show you where you're sleeping,
then we'll get a drink.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Duncan

# Happy birthday to you #

- Goodnight, Clare.
- Goodnight.

Goodnight, Duncan.

Sorry. Were you praying?
I heard the words "Oh, God" several times.

- Duncan, look, please...
- Come on.

Phew! It's got awfully steamy in here.
Do you mind?

- Look, I'm sorry. I know this is...
- For what?

- Why have you been so shy about it?
- Oh, for heaven's sake!

No, that's fair. I've no complaints.

Neville gets unlimited exclusive rights
to your body,

and I get this to remember you by
for always.

- Ah! Must put a hook on that wall.
- Is this achieving anything?

Listen, don't mind me. You just plough on.

Enjoy yourselves, while I get some fresh air.

- My gosh! It's blowy.
- Can we discuss this in the morning?

My advice to you both,
if you come out here, be bloody careful.

A chap could come to a very sticky end
if he did something silly.

Duncan!

We all have to learn to deal with rejection.

- Life goes on.
- Does it?

Duncan, for God's sake!

Some things are more precious than life,
and when you lose them...

What's all the blethering about?
Duncan. What...? This isn't funny.

Bye, Fliss.

The grave was open...

for me!

No!

Duncan!

Oh... Oh, God!

Oh, hi. You're back. I didn't know...

Hang on. Signal's a bit iffy here.

No, I'm on the road with Adam.

Pressing the flesh and being very wonderful.

Yeah, he's fine. Just ran into
an old school chum, if I'm not mistaken.

So, you got my message about tonight?
That grab you at all?

Tonight. Hewie Harper.

He's playing the Caf? Royal. It's a hot ticket,
and he's got four for Adam,

because he's guesting for us
on his next TV special...

How could you not have got my message?
I distinct...

I don't know. About 10.30.

Some guy answered.
Said you'd be another hour.

Yes, that would've been the burglar.

The burglar? Oh, you're kidding? He said
he was doing something to your computer.

Yes. He was stealing it.

Look, all right. I loathe jazz,

but it won't be a barrel of laughs
here this evening.

- What time?
- We can meet there.

Seven, seven-fifteen would be great.

And, er... sorry about the other. See you then.

Bye.

.. and I know he's desperate to meet you.

One of our oldest residents, Mr Ramis.

This is Adam Klaus, Mr Ramis,
off the television.

Mr Ramis does a bit of conjuring himself
from time to time.

Always a thrill
to meet a fellow magician, Mr Ramis.

There's a little trick he's been
rehearsing all day. Would you mind?

Mr Ramis, another ten minutes
and we have to cut you down.

She hates jazz?
Why bring someone who hates jazz

to see the greatest trumpeter since...?

Dumbo?

I mean, Hewie Harper, Jonathan.

Bringing an atheist
to the Sermon on the Mount.

There are ten young ladies I could call,
who would wrestle eels for this ticket.

Yes. I daren't ask how you know that.

What's he like? I get very nervous
meeting big American megastars.

He's a pussycat. Plus, he's a gentleman.

Half man, half pussycat.

.. which is very rare these days. However,

there is also one thing you should know,

and God forbid
you ever breathe this to a living soul.

Hewie Harper... the legendary
blind jazz musician, right?

Right.

Isn't blind.

What do you mean? Of course he's blind.
Blind Hewie Harper.

Eight years ago, surgery restored his sight,
but only a few were informed.

You create a cool image,
you don't dicker with it.

That look's kept him at the top for 32 years.

Honey! How are you? Any improvement?

I can't believe what you're saying.

Hewie Harper can really see.

That's like saying Barry Manilow's really dumb.

- I'm flabbergasted.
- Like I say, that's strictly entre nous.

We want him, we play by his rules.

Oh, about an hour and a half, and, er...
don't go sick on me, babe.

We got some serious boogie tonight.

The shortest joke in the world?

The Bismarck is unsinkagurgle.

You know the shortest joke in the world?
The Bismarck is unsinkagurgle.

The Bismarck is unsinkagurgle.

Don't shut me off, Neville.
You can't just ignore me and I'll go away.

I need to talk.

- I need help.
- I think the entire street can see that.

For God's sake, what do I have to do?

We all have to learn to deal
with rejection. Didn't you say that?

You always said fate had put us together.

You can't give that up just because of Duncan.

It's not because of Duncan.
It wasn't going anywhere, Fliss.

We were having fun, that's all, remember? Fun.

You're lying.

Tell me you never loved me.

Say it.

You can't.

Felicity... I never loved you.

No.

So, how's the patient? Still terminally gorgeous.

You've met my assistant Jonathan.
He's joining us for the show tonight.

- I thought we'd eat around eight.
- Oh, I feel like death dug up.

- I think I'm getting something.
- What?

- It might be tonsillitis.
- I've had that.

Or scarlet fever starts the same way.
Have you vomited blood at all?

- Don't listen. He's a hypochondriac.
- Ever had mumps?

I don't think so.
Do you want to feel my glands?

No, he doesn't. Put your glands away.
Any more calls came in?

From Hewie's PA,
saying the table's booked at 11.

Oh, yes. You didn't say you had a sister.

- I haven't.
- Yes, you have. She rang.

Her name's Kitty. She lives in Dumfries.

Oh. That sister. What did she want?

She wanted a lift from the station,
so I sent her a taxi.

- She's here now, upstairs.
- Here?! Kitty?!

Not now.

- This isn't happening.
- You met his sister?

Yeah, twice. She's very nice.

Don't be funny, Jonathan.

Kitty! What an unexpected thrill

Hello, Chester. How are you?

Och, you've got lipstick
all over you now. Come here.

Thank you. Now I've got lipstick
and spit all over me.

And how are you, Jonathan?

He's a bright lad. Without him,
Chester wouldn't have an act,

wouldn't have half what he has got.

Yes. Is this a fleeting visit or...?

Have you still that wretched beast
roaming about the place?

Where does he do his business?
It's not natural.

Not in my bedroom, anyway.
For the next five days,

I'm keeping that door locked.

- Five days?
- And something else I'll tell you,

this lass is going nowhere, the state she's in.

Pop this under your tongue.
It's rectal, but it's clean.

Och, you're wringing wet, child.
Let's get you upstairs.

- But we're going to the Caf? Royal...
- Well, you'll have a ticket spare now.

Hewie! What can I say?
You tore 'em apart. How are you doing?

I'm all right. Had a little sinus thing
a few weeks back.

I'm not blowing so good, but it's clearing up.

Can I introduce Jonathan.
He'll be working on the show.

Jonathan! Genius to the Magus.

- And his friend Madeline.
- Madeline!

Ooh, I know I'm gonna be enchanted.
Aren't you a pretty lady?

Such contours.

And, er... my sister Kitty.

Kitty, how are you? Well...

I'm thrilled skinny, Mr Harper.

I thought you were smashing tonight.
I really did.

- Thank you.
- I love anything on a trumpet.

The Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band
are another one I can't get enough of.

Did you meet Camille,

aka Miss Tropic of Cancer, 1997?

- Where are you, honey?
- I'm here.

- Camille, it's a pleasure.
- Hello.

OK. I hope none of you ate.

We have a table booked
at the Bombay Brasserie at 11.

It's not Chinese food, is it? If it is,
you'll have to count me out, I'm afraid.

Well, it's kind of Chinese.

What? It's nothing like Chinese.

Indian food, Kitty. You like curry, don't you?

Och, curries I'm fine with.

All that Ho Chow Mein stuff
always gives me the burps.

I'm sorry, I think that's sick, actually.

You're telling me the man's a complete fraud?

He plays a mean horn, I'll say that.

Don't breathe a word of this.
I was told in complete confidence.

Hang on. When he accidentally
put his hand up that waitress's skirt...?

Oh, give me a break!

All that guff about "Who moved the ice bucket?"

Even Miss Tropic of Cancer was laughing.

She probably thinks he wants her for her mind.

Interesting security system.

I've got a mate
who's putting new locks on cheap,

but he can't do it till Saturday,
which is a pain,

but there's nothing left worth nicking, anyway.

Yes, not very subtle, but you made your point.

So there's no misunderstandings later.

What?

Straight to the sofa bed like a bullet,
before you've even put the light on.

No, I just... thought you'd be really
tired by now, that's all.

- Wow.
- I know.

It took all day to straighten up.
Look, I appreciate your staying over.

I mean, I know you'd be useless
if they did come back...

- Of course.
- But someone else being here with you

is a real comfort.

Just for tonight and tomorrow, anyway,
till the door's sorted,

to give me peace of mind.

Tomorrow might be a problem.
I've got my badger watch.

- Otherwise, obviously, like a shot.
- Oh. OK.

Your what?

- My badger watch.
- Is that like a Mickey Mouse watch?

My local natural history group.
After dark, we put some food down,

then wait for badgers to come and feed.

Why?!

Because they're very fascinating creatures.

You should come and check it out.

So it's, like... country stuff?

Right. Country stuff.
On the other hand, it involves patience

and the need to stay silent,
so it's not your scene.

- Meaning what?
- Sorry?

Meaning because I'm an intolerant gasbag
who can't keep her trap shut?

"No" is the word you're struggling for.

Where does this bizarre ritual take place?

A little nature reserve.
Place called Gallows Gate.

I'll let you know if I'm available.

Clare?

What's that car...?

- Get out.
- Felicity...

What are you trying to do to me?

From Kiko. I think they're very nice.

What do you want?
You've already taken everything I had.

Neville was never yours to relinquish.

Until you accept the truth, you will be
infected with feelings of recrimination.

I understand that.

Don't understand me.
Don't you dare come here

and understand me, you patronising little crow.

I'd rather you just gloat. Just laugh in my face,

but don't pretend it doesn't feel good.

It feels good, of course, to be
with someone perfect and wonderful

who reciprocates your love,

but none of us has the power or the right
to demand that love, Felicity.

Neville is happy with me.
That should make you happy, too.

Oh, it should? Really? I see.

Instead of seeing yourself

as a piece of detritus
he has cast aside for someone else,

accept that you were a necessary stepping
stone on his journey towards true love,

a vital part of his own process of discovery.

Rejoice in that and you will neutralise
your bitterness.

Because I won his affections and you lost
them is no reason we can't be friends.

You're insane! Totally insane!

I think you forgot something.

Now take your smug, self-righteous
little clich?s and sod off out of my face!

Wait. Wait.

- Hewie!
- Klaus, my man!

- How you doing?
- I'm magnificent. How are you, baby?

- You remember Jonathan?
- Jonathan, how are you today?

- There's a step there.
- OK, I'm with that.

- Here's another one.
- Uh-huh.

- And one small one.
- All right.

- And this is Petra.
- Hi.

- Hewie Harper.
- Hello.

Mmm! Such fragrant skin.

And you're looking much better today,
so Adam tells me.

We think it was one
of those 24-hour bugs, you know?

So, listen, Jonathan's
got some nice ideas for the spot,

which I thought we could tease around...
till the others get here for dinner.

Great. Magnificent. Is Lazy Sam coming?

- Er, Lazy Sam and Lucy.
- Uh-huh.

- Scatman'll be here.
- All right!

- BJ and Blakey.
- The elders of the Temperance Society.

OK, Petra, my coated pearl,

you will point me towards the restroom
at this establishment.

- No problem. Come with me.
- Thank you, darling. Thank you.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, Mr Harper!

- Oh, mercy me!
- It's me.

Kitty. Chester said to come in here
and try out his sunbed,

but, truth be told, it's a pain
in the sit-upon.

A couple of hours on this,
I know what a grilled kipper feels like.

Were you needing assistance, at all?

- I was just heading back...
- Wait a tick. I'll be right with you.

So, basically,
it's an inversion of Pepper's Ghost.

When the curtains go back,
the mirror's tilted down

at 45 degrees over Hewie and the Jag
to reflect the matching drape up here...

That's it, Mr Harper. Here they are.

One, two...

Now, just you plonk your bottom down here.
That's it.

I was just saying, Chester, to Mr Harper,
that contraption you use

for your all-over fake suntan,
it's giving me pins and needles,

so I'll give it a miss.

Er... Yes. I guess you'll be getting
ready soon? To see Cousin Milly?

Don't leave it too late, the way the trains are.

Didn't I tell you? She rang to cancel.

She's not feeling so clever.
It must be what Petra had.

I'll pop across on Saturday.

Oh, just the job!

What's this? Another one
of your disappearing tricks, Jonathan?

How does this work, then?

You should never
neglect your feet, Mr Harper...

Remember when the queen asks the huntsman
to take Snow White into the forest?

- It's a nature reserve, Adam.
- That's not the issue.

If she's here when the Rat Pack arrive,
we won't be playing happy families.

Put another way, the headline
"Man Feeds Own Sister to Bengal Tiger"

won't look good on tomorrow's front pages.

Begging doesn't come into it.
This is a royal command.

Nearly there. Just another 100 yards and...

What have you brought a camera for?
Put it away.

- It'll be too dark.
- It's got a flash.

Flash?! The badgers
are going to love that, aren't they?

What are they supposed to think?
It's a very large glow-worm.

She hasn't quite got the idea, Kitty.

I think it might scare them off.
They're nervous wee things.

- Well, what are we going to do, then?
- Just watch them

and observe their behaviour
and, in the meantime, keep very quiet.

Clare, it's Judy.

Give me a buzz when you get a moment. Bye.

Clare?

Clare, are you...?

Clare?

Where did you come from?

Out. Go on. Shoo!

I want to go to the toilet.

Shh!

A- ha!

Jonathan!

- Kitty!
- I've just seen... Oh, my God!

My God! Out there...

a man strangling a girl...

in the window of a cottage.

I thought I was imagining it, but...

I feel sick!

How do we know
they weren't just larking about?

- It's none of our business, this.
- Larking about?!

I reckon we should wait here
until the police manage to get...

- What can you see?
- Nothing.

If we wait, it might be too late.

We're jumping to a lot of conclusions!

The strangulation may have been
an act of love to heighten her arousal.

Some people are into that stuff -
restricted breathing,

sex between consenting asthmatics.

Will you quit gibbering?
Every second could be vital!

What did he mean by that?

To heighten her state of arousal?

Ignore him. He's being sick.

Oh, not on the lupins.

OK. Don't move, either of you,

while I try my luck round the back.

No dice. All locked up.

Well, that's it, then. We did our best.

There are other ways, Jonathan.

How do you think that burglar got into
my place? He didn't give up, the bastard.

What about this lock?
Couldn't you pick it with a hairpin?

I suppose... if I had a bit more light.

OK.

Where is it, then?

- What?
- The hairpin.

I haven't got one. Why would I need
a hairpin, for goodness' sake?

I thought you carried
all that malarkey around.

Hang on a sec.

- What it lacks in subtlety...
- Goodness! What are you doing?

- It's called "anything for a story".
- You coming?

- You must be joking.
- Oh, sod you, then.

Jonathan!
Oh, my God!

- Wait here.
- What are you going to do?

Call 999.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God...

What have you found?

Still quite warm.

I really don't think we should be in here.

Look at all the finger marks on her neck.

Hey, under the basin. Look, there's a pipe.

- There usually is.
- Jonathan!

Fell out the killer's pocket, do you reckon?

Yes.

What have you noticed?

Don't pick it up.

I've got my glove on.

Hmm...

She said she saw him strangling her
in the kitchen, didn't she?

Definitely in here
where it happened.

And yet the body's been moved back there
into the bathroom.

What's that? A stocking?

It's been torn, and there's loads more
of them in that bin.

Back door's locked, so's the front.

- You see those bolts were both done up?
- Mmm.

Looking dangerously like another
of your hermetically sealed thingummies.

Could have just locked up after him for
whatever reason to stop people like us...

Right, so the keys...

Look, I don't know!

Yes, police?

A woman's been murdered.
I think someone's already rung you, but...

It's Cypress Cottage, 14 Gallows Gate.

No, I'm here now... with the body.

Right.

They said to stay put.
They'll be here in a second.

- What now?
- Look at these and tell me what's wrong.

Expensive.

I can't see properly.

These three have only just been washed.

This pair... have been worn...

but... no snags or runs.

- What am I looking for?
- I wondered why they were thrown away.

Oh, great. Z Cars have made it.

Hang about! Give us a chance!

Hi. I'm Madeline Magellan.

She's, er... in there.

I had to break a window, obviously,
to get inside.

We thought she might still be alive.

She might have needed some help
or something.

Right, out the front, please.
DC Koontz will take your statements.

Seal off the whole road, I think,
before the world and his wife gets wind.

- What's happened?
- You are?

I live here. Clare Sallinger. What happ...?

Felicity.

- No.
- I'm very sorry, Miss Sallinger.

So, age, "young-ish".

Hair, "average colour".

Clothes, "dark-ish".

Face, you "didn't like the look of it one bit".

It's not really one
I can go on the News at Ten with.

Would it be fair to say that from where
you were standing in the nature reserve,

this man was not much more
than a speck on your glasses?

No, that is not fair, Inspector.

Besides which, I wasn't wearing my glasses.

- You weren't what?
- I had Jonathan's binoculars to my eyes,

and I could see them
right up as close as you are now.

- Try them if you don't believe me.
- You didn't mention this before.

They're 10x25, so they'd take her
right up to the window.

Question, then, Mrs Burgess.

Would you recognise this person
if you saw him again?

- Oh, I don't want to!
- No, but if you did...

Never. As long as I live. In the name of God,

- after what he did?!
- Yes, but if you did see him again,

would you recognise him?

- Oh, definitely.
- Right, Mrs Burgess.

I'd like you to have a look at a photo for us.

This is a photo of the young lady
who was murdered, Felicity Vale,

at a recent party with some friends.

This is the woman you saw being strangled?

Then have a glance at the other faces.
Tell me if any ring a...

Yes?

That's him.

Now, Mrs Burgess...

Look very carefully before you say anything.

The one who was strangling her.

As God is my lord and judge, that's him.

Let's get him in here.

Miss Sallinger.

We seem to have got a positive ID here
on the man who killed your friend.

If you could tell us his name, please.

This gentleman here.

I'm sorry, Inspector.
She's made a mistake, I'm afraid.

That man couldn't possibly
have murdered Felicity.

Oh? What makes you so sure?

Because that man's Duncan Proctor.

He killed himself three weeks ago,
jumping out of a window.