Joe Pera Talks with You (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Relaxing Old Footage With Joe Pera - full transcript

[ Water bubbling ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]



My name is Joe Pera.

And don't worry.

No one turned me
into a cardinal fish.

I just gave myself a bad haircut
and prefer you watch

this aquarium footage
I had saved instead.

Well, not so much saved
as unused --

much of it
because it's too relaxing.

[ Waves breaking,
birds chirping ]


Kind of reflects
how I'm feeling right now,

but it's also pretty calming
to watch.


I figured that to not share it

in times like these
would be wrong,

and so I assembled
the best of it here for you.

It's a little more casual
than usual,

but if just one nurse
can come home

and watch it to fall asleep,
it'll be worth it.


I mean, I can't think
of a much better use

for my footage of a clay pot...

...or this coffee pot...

...and these trees.

[ Birds chirping ]

It's a shame that we couldn't
find a place for them

before now.

But I have learned that people
mostly want to watch shows

about people,
so I tried to respect that.

Someday, though, I'll make
a program with only trees.

Maybe even start
my own network -- Tree TV.

No people.
Just trees.

Maybe every now and then we'd
show an NBA game, but that's it.

I can't be the only one who'd
prefer to watch Old Tjikko,

a 9,000-year-old spruce,
after reading the news.


The downside is that my network
won't provide much opportunity

for human actors.

But as we reassess
what is essential,

I wonder if actors are.

Well, there are
definitely two --

Ed Harris and Elizabeth Hurley.

Last week, I watched
"Austin Powers"

for the first time in 10 years,
and it holds up very well --

a complete send-up of spy films

and one of the things
that makes me laugh most.

And Elizabeth Hurley
is the perfect straight man

to Austin Powers.

She's one of the few people
who can rein him in,

and that is no small feat.

Can you imagine
if it were only Austin Powers?

It would be chaos.

A town where all the stoplights
are green --

fun to imagine
but in real life fatal.

Also, she's one of the only
people in the movie

not played by Austin Powers.

It's just too bad
that in the second film

she turned out to be a fembot.

It was distressing to me

and made dating hard
for a long time.

Not the robot part.

Just imagine falling for someone
who then tried to kill you.

But instead of going down
that path,

why don't I give you
some good news?

Tree TV is considered
is considering a merger

with Waterfall TV.

And I'd say it was
pretty likely,

'cause I am the CEO of both.


Look at this.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Trees on the move.


Just as I could endlessly look
out a car window,

I could endlessly watch
this footage

of looking out of a car window.

It's conducive to thinking.

It helps the mind wander freely.




I recently discovered
a great simple recipe

I'd like to share with you.

It's called maple syrup toast.

Basically you take
a slice of bread, toast it,

and then cover it
in real maple syrup.

If you do it just right,
it's better than a steak for me.

Not only that,
but you can eat it

for up to two meals a day
without getting sick.

The syrup is energy.

Just please don't eat it
while you're driving.

It's so good, you might crash.

Sometimes simple meals
are the best.

Like two apples.
Me and my friends know this.


That's the one.

You're a nice girl.



There's some more footage
of fish I'm excited to show you,

but I wanted to show you this
first --

not because my old idea
to use empty baseball diamonds

for outdoor church
is more relevant than ever.

It's just nice to watch
the grounds keeper lay down

the chalk lines.

He's giving boundary
to the boundaryless,

and it's kind of comforting
to watch in these times.


[ Down-tempo music plays ]


When we were learning geometry
in third grade,

my teacher explained that unless
it intersects with another line,

a line will continue on

even if the paper ends.

With graph paper, pencil,
and a little arrow,

I could create something
that continued forever.

What incredible power
for an 8-year-old.

I don't know about you,

but lately I've been doing
a lot of sitting --

so much that my back
has begun to get sore.

It stinks.
I thought I was good at sitting.

Despite all the sitting, I try
my best to stick to a routine.

It's grid paper
on which to sketch my days --

wake up, call all my uncles
by 10:00 a.m.,

at noon, eat lunch to the sound
of my refrigerator humming,

then do one of three things
I meant to do, eat dinner,

then read or watch
a Bulbar movie and go to bed.

The next day, I'll do it again.

Sounds humdrum,
but now more than ever,

my routine is what stands
between me and the abyss.

I learned this lesson
on one evening

I decided to stay up all night
to see what would happen.

Instead of going to bed on time,
I drank a coffee after dinner,

then watched four Bulbar movies.

It was great
until the sun came up

and I saw that there's nothing
separating days but sleep.

I know days have cycles
and seasons have cycles.

Time is not a cycle for us,
just a straight line,

one that doesn't continue

But that's all right,

'cause my routine
helps me forget this.

Anyhow, I've been taking
a lot of comfort lately

in the second law
of thermodynamics.

Usually I don't,
but right now it's nice to know

that all natural processes
are irreversible

and things
are always moving forward.


And while I'm not sure it's
possible to affect things much,

I've got hope
that we can bump the path

in a slightly better direction.

There's a quote
about how over time

the direction of the moral
universe curves towards justice.

But that is not science,

and my friend
brought it up recently

to suggest
she didn't believe it.

"If that were true," she said,

"Henry Kissinger
would be in jail."

"He's still alive," I said.

"There's still time."

Positive thinking.

What else are we supposed to do?

What do you want me to tell you?

I reached in,

explored a bit to find something
that might be of use for us,

and came back
with "Austin Powers."

And you know what? D--

[ Exhales sharply ]

I mean, I don't know.

Don't you wish
that we could all see the world

through the eyes of a poet?

We had the chance.

It was called Google Glass,
and we took it for granted.

That's a final joke
for the nurses.



[ Water bubbling,
indistinct conversations ]

Well, t-that was supposed to be
the end.

I told them I've got
more aquarium footage,

so they asked me last minute
to extend this.

So...I-I guess I'll keep going.

[ Water bubbling ]

Look. That striped guy doesn't
look like a strong swimmer.

There he goes.

Don't let your kids see.
There's more than one Dory.

I wonder if these fish feel
a longing to be somewhere else.

It's hard to tell if they're
resigned or unconcerned.

Their faces don't give much

You see, I can't read that.

It reminds me about a story
I read.

It was called "Axolotl,"

and it's about a man
who becomes an axolotl.

Uh, if you don't know what one
looks like, it's like this.

In the story, he goes
and stares at it in the eyes

every day at the zoo,

until one day,
they suddenly change places.

I've only read a little bit
of Kafka,

but I think that would be
considered Kafkaesque,

because that's what they say

when a human
turns into an animal.

It's, uh, based on his story
"The Bug."

"Beauty and the Beast" --

The story contained perhaps
the best description of a lizard

I've ever read --

"I saw the rosy little body,

ending in a fish's tail
of extraordinary delicacy.

And then I discovered its eyes,
its face --

inexpressive features with
no other traits, save the eyes,

two orifices, like brooches,
wholly of transparent gold,

lacking any life, but looking,

letting themself be penetrated
by my look."

Julio Cortázar.

I'm not sure if I understood
all of it,

but at the beginning,
the narrator thinks

they are immortal-seeming
and wise in their stillness.

But then he becomes one and
realizes that they don't move

'cause they're just trapped
in a tank,

also trapped in lizard bodies,
they can think like humans

but can't talk
'cause they are lizards.


Seems like we've now got
an animal theme going.

So I asked my friend Otis if we
could borrow some of his clips.

In 2012, he went to Japan

and fed the monkeys apples
and peanuts.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]




Otis told me that the fences
here enclose the humans,

not the animals.

It's interesting.



I got to admit --
I'm a little bit jealous.

But as we know, you don't
need to leave the country

to feed apples to an animal.

Plus my horse friend Emma can
eat a hundred times more apples

than those guys.

Proves my theory --
Everyone loves apples.




coypu, and on and on.

Apples are the connection
between species.

Before you write this off as
straight pandering or too cute,

know that many of these animals
may be trying to get drunk.

A lot of species seek out apples

that have been on the ground
long enough to ferment.

They'll eat them
and get a little intoxicated.

Imagine driving home
on a Friday night

and getting stuck behind
a herd of sheep

that has eaten
too many fermented apples.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Bell chimes ]

[ Engines humming ]

All right.
I have a question for you.

At this moment, if you could be
anywhere in the whole world,

where would you be?


Are you serious?

Taking a summer boat ride
through downtown Milwaukee?

That's incredible,

'cause I've got a whole sequence
of just that.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Don't ask me how I knew.


I set it to a song
by my friend Owen.

I hope you brought
your own beer.

[ Chuckles softly ]



♪ Don't go down Haring Street

♪ That much anymore

♪ I had to get
my glasses fixed ♪

♪ Right there in front of
the old coffee shop was Walter ♪

♪ Just sitting
where he'd always sit ♪

♪ He was staring in the window

♪ Maybe at you

♪ Maybe at whomever's walking in
to fetch you muffins ♪

♪ And Sunday papers

♪ The way we used to

♪ I don't drink coffee
all that much anymore ♪

♪ When I do, I fix it at home

♪ Don't do the crossword
Sunday ♪

♪ I can feel dumb other ways

♪ I can never finish them
alone ♪

♪ Some days I ride down
to the dog park ♪

♪ On the other side of town

Joe: This power plant's
actually in Marquette.

Just thought it looked nice.

Man: ♪ Just to sit down
in the shade ♪

♪ And watch those puppies
running 'round ♪

♪ I don't miss feeling bad
and dreading every call ♪

♪ The constant
screaming dialogue ♪

♪ I swear that there were
some days ♪

♪ It felt like I was only
coming around for your dog ♪

♪ All those sunny days
with Walter ♪

♪ Chasin' squirrels
around the park ♪

♪ The way he'd flip
when he would see me coming ♪

♪ Like the way
he did this morning ♪

♪ With that big old
Walter bark ♪

♪ Bark, bark

♪ Bark, bark

♪ Bark, bark

♪ Hey there, Walter

♪ Bark, bark


[ Dog barks ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]





Alright, Take Care
and Good night.



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