Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Election - full transcript

It's time for the class president to be elected and Joan takes the side of Brian Beaumont - the guy who kicked her off the yearbook staff - becoming his campaign manager. But she has to decide how far she is willing to go for a vi...

Your mom finally got my work to the dean of the graphic arts department at state college,

and he said I'm good enough for the professional program, but...

well, at least one of us has a future.

Locksmith's on his way, Friedman, just hang in there.

Dude, you said that 5 minutes ago when there was oxygen in here!

Nah, that's not gonna happen.

I mean, the night classes are like, 500 bucks a credit.

They must have scholarships.

You're brilliant.

The dean guy even said so.

I don't know.

No scholarships for the arts.

Budgets cuts.

I mean, it's so lame.

Hello? Starting to cramp in here.

Friedman, stop complaining!

Elizabeth Goetzman.

You loved her in Godspell,

now, she's ready for the role of a lifetime.

Hey, you guys, vote for me, all right,

or I will die!

Here you go!

Adam, I'm really sorry.

Well, I'll just have to wait around for college like everyone else.

Hey, Lars.
The Neanderthals who did this.
Lars, dude you think he learned his lessson.

Vote Lars, ok, guys?
All right, that's enough.
Come on guys.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

File cabinet crisis in the biology lab.

So ?

Oh, relax.

These lockers are surprisingly well-ventilated.

I think you dropped these.

Oh, so the supreme being cares about student council elections?

It's not like some kid is gonna invade a country.

I care about anything that involves free will.

Most people exercise their free will by not voting.

You have a chance to make a difference here.

Vote for Lars.

-== [ ] ==-

There he is, Arcadia's finest.

Hey, what's the good word?

Oh, uh, Jenny Leder is angry that her neighbour's dog Clyde poops on her lawn every day,

and I am here to make sure that the good people of Arcadia read about it in detail.

What brings you down here?


which pretty much means hanging around waiting.

Oh, good, then, uh, you can help me.

Paper's doing a profile on your new boss.

You care to toss me a few tidbits?

All I know is she got rid of roebuck.

Whoa. Your voice just totally changed.

What ?

I went from son to evil press guy in like, a second.

I'm sorry.

Roebuck leaving is still a little fresh.

I'm going to check in with the A.D.A.
Be good.

Elizabeth Goetzman, what about her ?

Needs elephant tranquilizers.

Rick Jenkins ?

Acne factory.

Brian Beaumont.

Isn't he the scuzz-crack who fired you from yearbook?

Oh yeah.

Ugh. Is he kidding, with the argyle sweater?

Oh, god.

Pants riding up, argyle socks, too?

Oh, my eyes !

My eyes !

Why are you even thinking of this?

Everyone knows it's gonna be Lars Klosterman.

Oh, could he be any hotter?

Please. Mr. Prom king is operating on, like, 2 brain cells.

And a whole lot of pheromones.

Why this sudden involvement with the system, Girardi?

Do you even know what student council does?


They planned crazy hair day.

You could stop using conditioner and save yourself a lot of grief.

Look, someone's gonna win, and it's....

it's gonna make a difference.

What, they're suddenly have the power to banish people?

Well, no, because...

because, look, you know, every voice is different,

and when they're counted, it matters.


Don't ask so many questions.

Dude, you've been a cog in the machine too long.

I am voting for E. Fudd like I do every year.

You wanted to see me?


Yeah. I just sending down orders to the foot soldiers so they can stay on their feet....



That's the sixth hole at wade Hampton, par 3.


St Andrew, scotland.

You play ?

If I could find the time.

I have to find the time.

It keeps me sane, but then, I don't have a family.

You wanted something?

Yeah, look, I know that Roebuck was a friend of yours,

and if I were you, I'd probably resent the hell out of me for taking his job.

I don't think that way.


I'd like to explain to you how I work.

I'm a numbers person, organizational by nature.

8 years old, I used to organize all my doll outfits by colour and pattern.

Right, so, as it stands, we keep a record of every criminal incident,

whether it leads to an arrest or not,

so what I'd like to do is record only the incidents that lead to an arrest.

So our success rate goes up.

I'm a numbers person, too.

So you can see where I'm going with this.

So we can show the city council some positive results and--

and suddenly, you're a genius and roebuck looks incompetent.

No, it's just about presenting the stats in a more positive way

so the city council will give us what we want.

I understand.

I just wouldn't feel right about it.

Don't make me pull rank, Will.

I hate working that way.

I'll keep that in mind.

Dude, your sister is looking to support the corrupt political system at arcadia high,

which is totally symptomatic of the larger--

are we ever gonna talk about your mom?


Grace, you IM'd me that your mom's an alcoholic.

I know you want to talk about it.

I--I just wanted you to know.


Yeah, Aaron, the lead singer of manic Toolhead asked me to do a drawing for their new CD..

It looks just like him...

if he was a screwdriver.

This is the graphics art program you were talking about?

You've been working at that hotel for months.

Haven't you saved anything?

Maybe they'd take a down payment.

No, no.

My dad needs new glasses and the sink leaks and...

Hey, do you folks have a minute?

I'm not a "folk."

My name is Joan.

You fired me, remember, from yearbook because you're a scuzz-crack?

Ah yes.


Um, I guess you're probably not interested in reading my mission statement?

You have a mission? Hmph.


Excellent draftsmanship, by the way.

Phillips head, right?

Uh, yeah.


I have got a 6-point plan with key features like student tutoring, peer counselling,

and a radical re-examination of standardized testing.

Are there cliff notes for this?

I trust you'll find it quite compelling.

I know recent polls show me at 11%,

with Lars Klosterman running at 54%,

but I'm optimistic Arcadia voters want a candidate who's gonna make a difference.

Ladies, could I take a minute of your time to make a difference ?

Uh. Negative.
30 seconds ?

Wow, I'm excited here.

I asked you guys to stretch yourselves creatively, and you did.

I've decided to display your pieces for the rest of the month so the whole school can see them.

Gina, your memory piece...

and, Adam, the lost boy,

and, Annie, you took the tragic death of your little sister's gerbil and you turned it into...


"Mama said there'd be days like this."

Upsetting, ridiculous, and strangely sad.

Yes, Darlene ?

I don't understand why it's art.

Right, you said so yesterday.

Well, that was a living creature.

You can't just dip it in shellac and use it like it's a thing.

What was I supposed to do?

Not shellac it and let it rot?

I just mean that it's disrespectful...

to life.

It''s wrong.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion.

Thank you.

Oh, oh beautiful Arcadia, the school that we all love.

>From English class to Drama club.

I will...

Hey, there!

Thanks so much for your vote.

It means oodles to me.

Serve you well. Arcadia, Arcadia you have to vote for me.

You know you should ..

you know....

Vote for Lars.

Vote for Lars.

Vote for Lars.

Hey, would you like a Lars bar?

Oh, yeah.

Do--do you have a mission statement or anything?

Vote for Lars.

Mission statement? Hah.

Yeah, You know, like, policies or philosophy?

Vote for Lars.

Look, this is student council, not France.

Yeah, but you are planning on making things better, right?

Well, you said you were gonna replace those nasty snack machines by the gym.

Hey, you listened to my speech.

Oh, you bet your buns, Lover boy.

All right, the snack machines aren't really gonna make things better.


Don't vote for me.

Ladies, hey, would you like a Lars bar?

Oh, I can't watch.

It's too horrible.

Multiply that by 6 billion and you'll know what I go through every day.

Can't you, like, smite them or something?


People don't need any help with the smiting.

Yeah, but, look, those guys should have, like,

claws and little horns and pointy tails...

I get it, Joan.

Some people choose to be bullies,

and others write mission statements.

You want me to support Brian?

A little more guidance, please!

No wonder people don't vote.

If you really want to win, lose the argyle.


I didn't wake you up, did I?

No, definitely not.

I just needed to talk.

Um... about what?

Page 43.

Oh. Ha. Yeah, well, I kinda drifted off after page 8.

Oh, ok, well, I was looking through it,

and he has a proposal for a math/science program,

and it pays for outside classes.

If you commit to working in a related field after graduation.

Ok, well, don't you think you'd be kinda miserable teaching algebra,

you know, with the pocket protectors and...

No, no, no.

I'm talking about art, Jane.

I mean, a program like this could pay for my classes!

You know, Brian's sort of geeky,

so maybe he just didn't think about art.

He really is the one.

I mean, if something like this worked out

maybe I can make money from my art,

you know, just quit the hotel.

I know I shouldn't get all stoked about something like this, but I...I...

wha--what was that for?

Because you're happy.

I haven't seen you like this in a while.

I should run.

Um, it's my night to shampoo the lobby.



Naw, it's ok.

I'm gonna shampoo in concentric circles, make pop art you can walk on.

Good night.


Good night.

You're actually displaying a dead animal in your classroom?

It's a conceptual art piece.

Darlene Fitch's parents called the school.

It's an affront to their religious beliefs.

What religious beliefs?

Who knows?

Just put the thing away.

Y-you're ordering me to put away a student's art work?

A dead gerbil is art?

Why not?

Damien Hirst hung a dead cow in the Tate modern.

Oh, so the next time I run over a dog on my way to school,

I'm van Gogh?

Do you often run over dogs on your way to school?

Helen, just get rid of the thing before we get sued.

Uh, you can't tell me what to display just because it might offend someone.

Sometimes art offends.

If it didn't, we'd be left with clown paintings and Elvis on velvet.

If they have a problem, tell Darlene's parents to call me!

Excellent, most excellent.

So you'll find him an art scholarship?

Oh, I--I don't really know anything about arts funding.

But you can find out because you're the one who makes a difference.

It says so right here.

Jane, if he doesn't know...

Uh-Uh. Posters.


Scholarship-wise, I just don't know if art is on anyone's radar anymore.

What ?

Look at those posters.


How can you say art isn't on anyone's radar?


I guess I could call a few organizations.

That's right.

Tell them you're El Presidente.

Work it.

Work it, Brian.

But I'm not president.


Vote for Beaumont.

Well, you will be.

Trust me.


Vote for Beaumont.

Elizabeth Goetzman.

I will represent Arcadia and ever-y person

you will not regret if I'm elected president.

My Beaumont 'tis of thee

Sweet presidente.
He's got my vote.

He's got the mission statement.

It's 48 pages long.

>From every classroom vote Brian Beaumont...

?my Beaumont 'tis of thee

sweet presidente.

he's got my vote

Kev, you got a minute?


Something wrong?

You know that story the paper's doing on Lucy Preston?


Well, I know she's pretty popular and friends with the publisher and stuff,

but if you hear anything, if questions come up...

What have you heard


It's just that she plays it so close to the vest,

I just want to know who I'm dealing with.

What ?

You've never asked me to help you with anything before.

Get used to it, 'cause one day,

you'll be feeding me applesauce in a nursing home.

I know this election seems really stupid and pointless

and all the candidates seem like interchangeable idiots, but...

Are you sure she didn't get shock therapy over the summer?


She signed up for arts and crafts instead.

Hey, hang on.

Hey, you know, she's really doing an amazing job.

Brian's already up in the polls.

Another brain lost to love.


Vote for Beaumont.

Thanks for your support.

Could you maybe do this with a bag over your head?

I'm gonna change things around here, Grace.

Are you eating a Lars bar?

Keep your hair on.

I'm only eating it for the chocolate.

And the possibility of meaningless groping with the candidate.


Luke ! Luke !

Take this.


You've already given me like--

Take the damn thing.

I'm creating a ground swell.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Friedman, tell me you're not actually memorizing hamlet.

I told him you were just joking about the date.

In jest, truth is found, and found in truth, jest.


Vote for Beaumont.

Please ?

Acte 2, sc?ne 3.

Fire up those lips, baby.

Talk to the freak, dude.

This is humiliating, even for him.

Apparently, I no longer have the language for it.

What exactly do you think Judith is gonna do when you've memorized hamlet?

More things in heaven and earth, Grace-io,

than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Hey, what's that you've got there?

"Brian Beaumont. A mission statement."

Carrying this might not be too good for your health.

You can't possibly be this much of a nimrod, right?

Leave it alone, Grace.

Leave it alone, Grace.

They're not gonna do anything.

These losers have some archaic code where they'd never hit a girl.

Yeah, as if you're a girl.

That was beautiful, dude.

Why'd they take it?

You said they wouldn't take it

Mrs. Girardi ?

Craig Fitch.

This is my wife, Teri.

We just wanted to explain why we had Mr. Chadwick remove the dead animal.

Could we talk about this privately?

You had my student's work removed without talking to me first?

A dead animal is not a student's work.

In a culture of violence, do we need our schools sending out the message that death is a joke?

And what message does censorship send?

I am not trying to shut down some art gallery here.

This is a school, which my tax dollars fund.

Oh, so you get to decide what has value and what doesn't?

You people are the reason why there's no money for the arts.

Thanks, Darlene, really.

That's enough, Adam.

Go back in the class.

Well, you have made your position very clear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start class.

Come on.

Let's go.

Beaumont !

Beaumont, he's dressing better.

Vote for Beaumont.

He's dressing better, a lot better.

Save it, Jo-Jo.

Vote for Beaumont.

No one's gonna vote for a guy whose dad is in jail.

What are you talking about?

Vote for Beaumont.

That's the rumour the Lars propaganda factory is spreading.

But that can't be true

Vote for Beaumont.

Every kid in school'll think it by the end of the day.

What does it matter if it's true or not?

Well, it just does.

Doesn't it?

Look, this is war.

You're not a wartime consiglieri, Jo-Jo.

Ok. Been watching the godfather on cable.

Come on, I'll buy you a Lars bar.


I can't.

They're lying about you.

This is the men's room.

I don't have time for gender issues, Brian.

They're trying to smear you.

They're spreading crazy lies about your dad.

I heard.

A friend of Lars started it.

Hey! We're holding a cabinet meeting here.

So, what are you gonna do?


It's not a lie

My dad is in jail.

He broke into somebody's house and stole some stuff.

Your dad, really?

I barely see him.

He only comes around for money.

It was in my school files.

Someone broke into the records.

Now you know.

Now everyone knows.

So, I'll quit the race.

No !


You know what happened when I told my mother that everyone knew?

She started crying, blaming herself for ruining my life.

Do you mind?

But I really have to pee.

Use the bushes.

Look, you can't quit.

I mean, I don't even like you,

and I still know that we need you.

If you quit, they'll win.

You really believe in me, huh?

Yeah !


I guess I do.

And I also believe that it's our mission to throw some dirt right back at them.

Ugh, boys are animals.

Shouldn't you be playing the Violin?

Huh? Violin.

Fiddling while Rome burns?

Didn't you take history?

I created history.

How can you just sit here and rock out?

Everybody in school knows about Brian's dad.

Some people do whatever it takes to win.

You think I'm not trying?

You don't think I wanna win?

What else am I supposed to do?

Brian Beaumont.

Brian Beaumont.

We need Brobdingnagian.


The latest polls don't look good.

Well, they will if we find something on Lars.

Whatever it takes.

It's the only way to beat these guys.

A horse's head always works.

I thought you were the poster girl for apathy.

She was hit by a wave of school spirit.

And she told you?

I gleaned it.

Hey, ok.

I think I have something.

Yes, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Get a grip, Friedman

Here's the dealio.

No secret I've been hanging around Lars.

He was wearing those low pants, tight T...

anyway, I saw him walk into the school counsellor's office.

Uh, heh. Hello?

We go to the school counsellor.

Because they make us after crazy camp.

No one ever voluntarily sees Mr. Dingle.

Trouble in paradise

I'm thinking maybe addicted to pain killers.

Steroid abuse.

Can't spell his name.

Vote for Beaumont.

Look, we have to find out.

This is about good and evil.

And good is gonna kick ass.

I hate to say it, but everyone speaks very highly of her.

Graduated summa cum laude from Annapolis.

Joined the police academy after her father's death in 1984, again, head of her class.

She was in New Orleans before, right?

That place has been corrupt for years.

She got a commendation from the city.

What is it about her?

You having trouble working for a woman?

What ?


She's just slid into roebuck's job so easily,

and now she's trying to change the way we do


Lucy Preston.

You must be Will's son.


It's a pleasure.

It's all here.

Indexed and alphabetized.

News clippings,



job assessments,

one guy trashed me,

but I think it's only because I crushed him at golf.

I've also included the name and phone number of my last boyfriend,

who I'm still on good terms with if you wanna get into the personal side of things.

And if there's anything else that you'd like,

just, ask.

W-we were just talking.

He's doing research for the paper.

If I was in your position, I would've made the same call, Will.

If we trusted everybody, we'd be lousy cops, wouldn't we?

Ha. Aren't you testifying?

At 2:00.

I was just on my way in.

Oh, good.

Then I'll see you back at the office.

And I'll look forward to reading your article.

Maybe you can make me sound tall.

So that's just the way you had it, right?



It looks fine.

Darlene, I went to the board,

and I discussed Annie's piece with them,

and they agreed with me that it's unacceptable to censor students in the classroom,

so Annie's work will be displayed here all week.

If you find that offensive, you could spend class in the library.

I just came here to tell you that I'm dropping art.

You're always saying that it's important to listen, but you didn't.

You just treated me and my parents like we were idiots.

Oh, Darlene, I...

I used to wanna be an artist.

I guess I'm not allowed in the club.

I say we break into Dingle's after school and steal the Lars' file.

Doesn't that seem a little unethical?


Michael Corleone thought he was above it all, too.

I just don't know.


What's an ethical way to get the dirt?

Oh, we should follow him.

Oh, highly ethical.

I hear Mother Teresa used to tail people all the time.

Well, at least we--

See you guys, later.

At least we won't have to share a cell with Brian's dad.

He's so in love with himself.

So, this is what the popular kids do in their free time.

Ah, the devil's in the details.

He gets a call like that about 5 times a day.


Where are you ?

It's either his girlfriend or his dealer.

Ok. Yeah, I'll come.

Oh... that's Teddy Marks.

Total drug dealer.

Ok, hand over the drugs

I missed you

His hair, those arms.

I even liked his ears.

He was gonna be my new year's resolution.

Guess you'll have to fall back on calling your grandma more often.

Look, we need to focus.

All right. Mass I-M-ing.

Too techie.


We have to weapon-ize the information into the most lethal form possible.

Maybe we go simple, the rumour.


He'll just deny it, and if people think we made it up,

we could get some serious blow-back.

We're pretty much destroying a guy by pandering to homophobic bigots.

Isn't blow-back a risk we're gonna have to take?

Together, please.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.


We need cover.

If things go bad, we need plausible deniability. Wow.

Who knew social studies would come in so handy?

Anonymous flyers

With a picture from my video.

We are so good at this.

Yeah, we are.

Hey! Hey, don't mess with my artwork, man.

Do you wanna die?

What, it's not enough you talk trash about his family?

You don't get a big enough charge out of that, huh?

Hey! Hey! Forget it

Forget it.

Forget it.

You know, statistically, this last campaign thrust has less than a 13% chance of success.

You realize I don't understand half of what you say.


When I was 11, my friend Becky Coogan slept over.

We went downstairs in the morning for breakfast.

My mom's was going to make us pancakes.

She was still passed out on the kitchen floor from the night before.

Becky never talked to me after that.

Becky was cool.

You would've liked her.

Brian Beaumont, he's gonna make some changes.

I'm going to make changes, ok?

Only 6 more hours.

Don't forget to vote.

Vote for Beaumont.

Vote for Brian Beaumont.

Beaumont for president.

Making a difference.

Vote for Brian Beaumont for president.

Arcadia ...

making a difference.

Have you seen these?


Put the new ones over those.


So, any news on nuking Klosterman?

The missiles are in the silos.

We're just waiting for the launch codes.


What'd you find?

All in good time, Mr. President.

You help Luke with the posters,

I'll get the pink paper from the Art Room.


Vote Beaumont.

The picture of you with the governor, very impressive.

That was a long evening.

That man can't talk about anything but himself.

I've thought about what you asked me to do.

Changing the stats.

And I'm just not comfortable with it.

And I'm prepared to take the consequences if you can't handle that.

Even if the consequences are that Carlisle will be laid off?

What ?

He has the least seniority.

The force has serious cash flow problems.

Every department does.

You remember Bill Harriman?

I was the one who had to call his wife when he got shot.

We should've been able to send another car that night,

but we couldn't because we didn't have one, and he died.

This is not about buffing my image.

I don't wanna be like the other departments.

I want the money.

And if looking at the data a little differently helps us to get that,

then I think we owe that to Harriman and Carlisle and everybody else we work with..

You like dealing with things on your own terms, don't you?

That's how I get things done.

And that's what they pay me for, isn't it?


I gotta take this.

Yeah, I'm here.

What do you got ?

Hey. I need pink paper.

I figure I could get it here.

Oh, sure.


Uh, how's the campaign going?

Uh, I'm gonna destroy Lars Klosterman.

Brian will win.

You have to destroy Lars to do it?

There are no victories without casualties.

The important thing is to win.

Mom, the paper.

But what's winning?

When you get your way and the other people don't.

Can I please have the paper?

Mom ?

Are you ok ?

You look inches away from waterworks.

Darlene Fitch quit art today.

Because of me.

uh, that stupid Gerbil.


I'm sorry.

I was so obsessed with being right, with getting my own way.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt her,

I didn't even think about her.

This righteous feeling came over me and she was in my way.

She's a sweet, decent person,

and I hurt her in a way she'll probably never forget.

My 6-point plan will reallocate student funds from frivolous activities.

Bite me !


Vote for Beaumont.

Vote for Beaumont.

Vote for Beaumont.

Where's the paper?

I'm calling it off

The whole thing, it's off.

The missiles are in the silos.

Why is Lars seeing the school counsellor?

What's up, Jo-Jo?

Come here.

We can't?

Not even to Lars.

It's a slam dunk.

Look what he did to Brian.

Would you want someone spreading around your crazy camp file?

Even if it was true?

Don't you want the chance to work that stuff out yourself?

What happened?

I just saw it.

What we were about to do.

What were we thinking?

What is going on over here?

Come on, what have you got?

Uh, he wants to join the peace corps.


What ?

Yeah, he's just,

you know, worried that his friends will think he's a doofus.

How can you think that joining the peace corps would be a bad thing?

I know, I'm sorry.

I thought--

I was counting on you.

You told me not to quit.

Now this loss is gonna be on my college record.

I really loved your mission statement.

I'm all the way up to page 18.

At least give me one thing.

What's the magic word Lars?

Ok, I get it.

Locker bad.

All right, this is so not funny any more.

Oh, I could stand here for hours.

How did you do this?

You have held as 'twere the mirror up to nature,

where it sees reflected--

this is really cool, Judith.

This is really... wow!
I'm sorry ok.

Mankind lives in a prison of his own making.

But you always call on me for the keys

I couldn't do it.

I... I couldn't win that way.


It's amazing how many people could've.

So Lars is gonna win?


I drove myself crazy for nothing!

You were involved, Joan.

That always makes a difference.

Just a bite.

Mom, we're bummed.

We're eating the whole thing.

Joan, may I have chocolate sauce and ice cream, too.

No point without it.

Darlene cried when I apologized,

but she still won't come back to class.

God, I was hoping there was some way to undo it all.

I was such a jerk.

Yeah ?

You weren't alone.

Well, Brian lost the election.

So you didn't destroy Lars.

That makes one of us a decent person.

Hmm. I had it in me to do it.

I felt it.

What were you gonna do?

Lars is...


And you were gonna use that to...

Mom, it would've been so easy.

But then...

in my head, I kept seeing him looking at me...

so scared, you know?

Big, strong Lars,

scared and confused.

And I've been there, like...

like all the time.

And it was like we weren't really different people 'cause...

someplace we aren't.

Why is that so hard to remember?

I don't know.

I didn't like losing, though.

I mean... being involved was supposed to make a difference, and...

and...I don't really see how.

Ah, well, you need more chocolate sauce.

And so do I.

Oh, it's Darlene.

She's come to kill you and dip you in shellac.

I'm eating your half.

I got it.

What ?

An internship at this graphics design studio.

Brian found a mentoring program and then he set up the interview,

and they called me at work.

All I had was the flyer that I made for Brian.


And they loved it.

Oh, my god!

And this guy's so cool.

He had me help him out with this ad layout, right away.

A-and I mean, it was just colouring in stuff.

But they're gonna pay me just as much as the hotel.

Really ?

For doing something I love.


I just need to give you a hug.



I'm so happy for you.