Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Cat - full transcript

Last night my mom's aunt made us chant some Indian nature prayer she learned in New Mexico.

Sounds cool.

Yeah, until you have to pose like a deer.

while she dances around you waving snake teeth.

My dad was really happy about that.

My aunt has this big thing on her neck.

It used to freak me out,

like she was growing another head.

What does that have to do with anything?

We were talking about Aunts, weren't we?

No, we were talking about me.

Only 2 more days.

My mom has this permanent serial killer smile glued to her face.

I hope she makes it.

Whoa. Intense.

Eew. Gross.

They'll be put to sleep if they're not adopted.

Looks like they could use the sleep.

You could adopt one, Joan.

I hate cats.

This you know.

They were born on the streets wild.

They need a home.

How about I get a puppy?

Hamster ?

Sea monkeys?

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I love the smell!

Oh, the salt and the paprika bring out the flavour.

Are you sure crickets are edible?

Mmm. In the Kanchanaburi province in Thailand it's a delicacy.

Well, in arcadia they're exterminated.

Oh, Helen, come on, live a little.

I learned this recipe from a Thai chef who said that crickets kept him vital.

Over 90-- still having sex like a rabbit.

I'll try one.

Me, too.

Oh, god.

I don't know how you lead such a sheltered life.

Not eating bugs makes me sheltered?

I always told my sister not to coddle you so much.

Was that before or after she had to send you money to get you out of Burma?

Could I, uh, have another one?

I think I might feel a rustling down there.

Introducing the newest Girardi...

Larry the cat.

You got a cat?


It's wild, isn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Get rid of it.

They can't be tamed.

No, the pamphlet shows you how to domesticate them.

Tell that to Siegfried.

No, I think it was Roy.

In Central China, they would cook it in a nice spicy Szechuan sauce.

Have a cricket..

Good for sex.

Luke !

I'm goin' in

Oh, good for you.

Eew! This is like Arcadia fear factor.

Is she ok?

Oh my god

Catch her.
What's going on.

Call 911.

What happened?
You ok? Olive? Olive? Olive? Honey?
Hi, I have an emergency.

She was supposed to go to the Canary Islands next week for a silbo language class.

A what?

The language is all whistling.

Apparently there are over 4,000 words in--

Forget it.

There's nothing about her that's ever gonna make any sense to me.

Speaking of which,

why would someone who has repeated claimed that she hates cats get a cat?

They were gonna kill it.

But a cat?

I'm a puzzle, ok?

You can see her now

She's stable and resting.

The stroke involved the middle cerebral artery.

Oh no.

The good news is that this type of stroke doesn't affect mental acuity or speech.

And she has certainly been talking.

But she's temporarily paralysed from the waist down.


That is good news.

She may also have some motor impairment with her right arm.

Now, we're looking into temporary care facilities nearby because,

well, she doesn't seem too happy to be here.


Don't look.

They won't give me a brush.

Or my own clothes.

We don't care.

I do!

I care.

Ouch! My legs are paralysed.

Why the hell don't you just stick me there?

It's a blood flow issue.

I--I used to ask the same thing.

Nice chattin' with you, too...

Mrs. Mengele.

Processed juice drink.

How do they expect anybody to get healthy drinking chemicals?

Aunt olive, can I get you some magazines?


Just want to get the hell out of here.


They said they're looking for a care facility.

Stick me with some drooling old people?

Why don't they just shoot me?

Give me some water.

At least they can't ruin that..

Oh, sure.

Why don't you use the other--


Oh... here, I'll clean it up for you.

Get out!

This happens all the time--

All of you.

Get out...

Get out.

Here, you--

you-- you should like this.

It has a calming effect.


Uh, why don't you put it in the garage?


Pamphlet says he needs Night Time sleep companionship.

Any more news about aunt olive?

Uh, she threw pudding at the doctor.

Huh. Here.

Larry ?

Oh, you like that.


It's his "comfort object." Aww...

it's like a little blankie.

Is there anything I can do?

This seems like a lot of work.


I'm just gonna read to him.

He needs to get used to a friendly human voice.

Cat in the hat.

Good choice, huh?

Ok ,Larry.

Story time.

All right.

"The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play,

so we sat in the house all that cold, cold wet day.

I sat there with sally, we sat there, we two,

and I said how I wished we had something to do.

Too wet to go out and too cold to play ball,

so we sat in the house.

We did nothing at all.?

Are you kidding?

You're a walking pantry.


I need something more substantial when I'm nervous.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Lucy Preston...

This is my deputy, Chuck Winters.

Let's have a seat.

I know how hard it is investigating one of your own
and what a strain it puts on everybody.

Sorry, but can we just get into it?

Duncan and Simmons, good cops,
pointed a finger at Undersherrif Roebuck for the Wallace fire.

Roebuck pointed a finger at them.

We got caught in the middle.

Now, there's no way in hell that Roy Roebuck started that fire.

We're here because we don't have any choice.

Of course.

We'll need detailed statements,

case files on the shooting,

death reports--

will there be anything else?

There always is.

I mean, she just--

she just sunk to the floor, you know,

like, eyes wide.

I--I just--

I kind of shut down and just watched,

like it wasn't real.

Dude, weird.

That's it?


My aunt almost died and that's all you can say?

Ok ,Bruce Banner, relax.

Is it totally impossible for us to share things that are important to us?

Hey! You two look deep into something.

Madame curie is just trying to recruit me for the science fair again.

It's just the competition's fierce, and, you know...

nodding off.

So we all into ridiculing mall-heads tonight?

Ooh, but of course. Meow.

By "all" I didn't actually mean all.

Sorry, can't.

Have to tame the beast with literature.

Mm. Sounds dirty.

I can help.

Thanks, but I don't want my boyfriend getting scratched to death.

You don't want to be a cat person, Jo-Jo.

They're antisocial, sexually frustrated introverts--

Stow the Shrink-isms.

I'm taking care of one of god's creatures.

Dude, we eat most of his creatures.

And your aunt eats the rest from what I hear.

Ha ha! You're a cat on a hot tin roof.

All hot and tin roof-y.


you and me--

it's never gonna happen.

I'm a scientist, my sweet.

We toil in unsolvable equations for years.

We like...



I did something horrible today.

What ?

Oh, a work thing.

Believe me, I'd rather have eaten the crickets.

You ?

Oh, yeah.


What ?

I've been thinking--

Oh, that's when I get concerned.

I think we have to take in Olive.

Just until she can take care of herself again.

Helen, this is a woman who stays in a motel when she visits

because she doesn't approve of how we live.

Let her yell at the people at the rehab place.

They get paid for that.


how can you possibly think this could ever work out?

I don't know.

I saw Joan with that horrible cat--

Ok, fine, if we keep Olive in a cage.

Will, the house is already set up for someone in a wheelchair.

We know how to care for someone who's disabled.

She sat with my mother when she was dying,

transformed the hospital room,

made it look just like her bedroom at home.


she's family

Don't we have to? "

A kiss, when all is said and done,

what is it?

A rosy dot on the I in loving.

A secret that to the mouth, not ear, is whispered.

That's sad.

She loved Cyrano but never knew.

The nose really was gross,

so maybe it was for the best.

Are you purring?

God, you--

you're purring.

Larry, we're friends now, right?

"Speak to me of love, o sweet one."
Oh! Ow! Ow.

Hey. 5-letter word for Spenser's fire.



Tough day at the zoo?

My stupid English teacher assigned Cyrano.

I need more.


Good morning.

Morning smiles.

Never good.

Ok, well, let's just get right down to it.

Dad and I are inviting aunt Olive to come live with us.

Here ?

What happened to your nose?

Her cat has a problem with Edmond Rostand.

Why do I ask?

Aunt olive is gonna use the bathroom and everything?

It's just until she's well enough to be on her own.

Oh, and, Joan, honey...

No, no, no, no.

No "Joan, honey."

You're gonna have to get rid of the cat.


Larry ?

If I give him back, they'll kill him.

Oh, I think they could find another person for him to attack.

No, it has to be me.

Why ?

It just does.


Aunt Olive hates cats,

and it's gonna be hard enough as it is.

Look, we all have to give up something.

But he started purring.

I'm sorry, honey.

I hate her!

I hate aunt Olive.



Sorry about that, Joan

Getting a little exercise, huh?

Everyone needs exercise.

Yo Mike, Throw us the rock

Mike ?

Look, I'm angry with you.

I get a lot of that.

Pawning off cats on people who can't keep them?

That's nice.

Yeah, it's a bummer when we have to give up things we care about.

I have to give him back.

Larry could die.

But he's your responsibility.

What am I supposed to do?

What ?

He's the most lovable little kitten guy.

Yesterday you said he was like a section 8 demented chain-saw killer.

And I gotta say the nose is not a good sales tool.

Ok, that was my fault.
I was using the pamphlet.

But he is so sweet and furry.

I can't even take care of myself.


Gotta go.

Grace ?

I can barely tolerate people.


But I don't do pop art.

How do you know if you won't even try?

You need to explore different styles and techniques.

But I know what I like.

Why should I have to sacrifice my artistic integrity?

The only thing you are sacrificing, Adam, is your grade.

Just do the assignment.

Hi, honey.

Did you find someone to take Larry?


Look who cares.

Your mom's driving me nuts with this pop art assignment.

This is...

try sharing the same DNA with her.

You know, uh...

come here.

If you haven't found anyone to take care of Larry, I can.

Oh, but your dad's allergic.

I'll keep him in the shed.


But the pamphlet says he needs to sleep with someone in the same room at night.

Well, I fall asleep working out there all the time anyway.



Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

He's so sweet.

That's a lie, but thank you.

Ok, here we are.

Little bump over the threshold.

All right.

I'm fine.

I can take it from here.

Oh, you'll be in the den.

Right ahead.

Everything's wheelchair accessible,

and we're used to taking care of Kevin,

so we can help you out of bed, getting dressed.

I will find a way to dress myself.

I know you like Africa, so...

I found the--the blanket at a crafts store.

It's from Nigeria.

Well, I guess it's better than the hospital.

At least you people aren't trying to kill me.

They weren't trying to kill you, Olive.

The doctors parading in and out of my room...

no one talking to each other.

Look at all the pills they gave me.


Blood thinners,




You can't just throw them away.

Your neurologist said that you have to take--

he is 12.

I need an herbalist.

I'm gonna call Dr. Chin in San Francisco.

Well, you might want to talk to your neurologist about that.

Always afraid of doing the wrong thing, aren't you, Helen?

Why are you so scared?

Sometimes don't you want to just shove some stuff in a bag and take off?

I have a family.

Oh, and wipe him with lukewarm cotton balls if he gets snarky,

which he pretty much always is.

It's soothing.

And dangerous.


And when you're not around,

leave the radio on.

He likes oldies.

Jane, it's all in the pamphlet.

I promise I'll take really good care of him.

I know.

I just...

I've only had him for a few days,

and we're really making progress, right, Larry ?


His scratching has become less violent.


Pickle jar?

Does it say "pop art" to you?


I'm just gonna take an "F."

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't do that.

He'll scratch.

Why isn't he scratching?

He likes me.

Why ?

I don't know.

Listen Roy...

you know I don't really think you had anything to do with that fire?

An accusation was made.

You had to check it out.


It's just procedure.

But don't say you didn't think it could be me.

Otherwise you would have given me a heads-up that you were going to I.A.


Let's just all support this investigation.

Hey. What's that?

Oh, I don't know.

I was bored.

I pulled it off the shelf.

Nothing on TV.

just some woman who had her face lifted so high,

her lips are on her forehead.

Hmm. I haven't seen these in forever.

Luke fat.

Me fat.

Kevin fat.

What's with babies?

What do you want?

Uh, mom said that I should see if you need anything. .


And a plane ticket.

Look. Mom and dad. They were so young and happy.

I've seen it.

So mom said you were married once.


He drowned.

On our honeymoon.

I'm sorry

Oh, don't be.

I never went home after that.

I just took off.

Lived my life.

Were you gonna have kids?


You think I'm odd, not having kids?


You need to...

discover the world on your own terms.

Every choice your own.

I'm tired


Yes ?

Mom and dad were really in love when they met.

Excuse me ?

Love Love.

I mean, mom and dad--

Do you think we'll ever find love like that,

or will we just end up like aunt Olive?

This isn't a good time.

Don?t use my name on line, DUDE!!!

Luke, you're my brother.

I'm trying to talk to you about something important.

I know, but..

Right, sorry. I can?t do anything right.

if we can't have a real conversation,
then what kind of relationship do we have?

Why is this happening now?

Because I have feelings.

I'm not just some high school cyborg like you--

Look, sometimes I?m a jerk.
It?s just there are things I don?t tell people.
I can?t.

It?s why I don?t let anyone come to my house.

What ?

Porno ?

Are you looking at porn?


?Gravity_Boy has logged off?.

Why would you ever think this was a good look?

I saved those shirts.

Paisley will come back.

Maybe when everyone's blind.

I can't believe you're not interested in this, Luke.

Maybe if they were naked....

I was working.

We had just been at navy pier.

It was the night we got engaged.

It was...freezing.


You were shivering.


I was shaking.

I didn't know if you'd say yes.

I thought you were too pretty for me.

And you still are.

Unh! Eating!

What is this?


It happens a lot around here.

The name Girardi causes fear and trembling in the chicken world.

It's cut into little pieces!

Oh, well, I thought--

What am I, some sort of helpless baby?

Why don't you chew it up and spit it in my mouth like a little bird?

I'm certainly capable of eating by myself.


I'm not dead yet.

Olive, we just wanted to--

Call Dr. Chin.

Tell him I can't live with you people hovering over me like this.

Here, let me help you.

Don't touch me!

You ungrateful bitch!

If our turning our lives upside down to care for you is not enough for you, then fine.

You go to your Chinese doctor.

But I'll tell you something.

You better leave before he gets to know you.

In the pamphlet, that's a big no-no.

Ohh...I asked her to stay with us.

How could I talk to her like that?

The doctor said the stroke wouldn't affect her mental acuity or speech.

What did you expect?

Well, I expected to not yell at an old lady who just had a stroke.

I called her a bitch.

I know.

I almost cheered.

I'm just so tired of hearing about how great her life is.

Do you remember what we talked about that night?

We were gonna go to Paris for a year.

You were gonna paint during the day and take classes at night.

And you were gonna study cooking and learn French.

Would you change anything?

Just Kevin.

Aunt Olive, do you need some help?

I can do it.

Well...since I'm here...

I used to help Kevin, so...

here, put your arms around me

I'm not kevin. Ohh.

I know.


there you go.


Do you...

do you need anything--

Just sleep.

Good night.

Good night.

Gravityboy has logged off?

Joan was trying to bust me for looking at porn.

You were looking at porn while we were on--


Do you-- do you want me to?

Look, the Joan interruption was a singular event, ok?

If there's something you need to say...

Checking your boyfriend for injuries, Girardi ?


Larry's been good.


Because I did such a good job of getting him ready to be good.

See, I find the "loosen the cap" theory unsound.

I mean, if it were loosened sufficiently--


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Please don't.

Thou art more lovely and more temperate--


Your little buddy.

Rough winds to shake the darling buds of may...

Forget it, Friedman.

And summer's lease hath all too short a date.

Sometimes to hot the eye of heaven shines...

I'm never, ever, ever going out with you.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade nor lose possession of that fair thou owest:

Nor shall death brag thou wanderest in his shade,

when in eternal lines to time thou growest.

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Memorize hamlet and it's a date.

The part or the whole play?

The play.

Oh, my god.

This is ridiculous

You guys got it wrong, so wrong.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You're barking up the wrong tree here.

Hey, boys.


Larry ?!


You're sick, but I like it.


Yeah, Larry totally inspired me.

Are you a little feline inspiration? Hmm.

I've been looking at all these Andy Warhol paintings

and they're amazing.

I was being such a thud about it and giving your mom a hard time.

Hmm. Well, I don't know about the art,

but please don't stop giving my mom a hard time.


What have you been telling him about me?

Whoa, whoa, oh. Gloves, gloves, gloves.

No, no, no, it's ok.

Come here.

Wow. That is, like, so advanced.

You're practically off the pamphlet.

Try pulling back on both bars.

Staying there for the rest of your life is another choice.

I didn't know where the...

damn stupid light switch was.

I just couldn't see.

What are you looking for?

Guava juice.


Uh, left hand, remember?

So how do you get used to it?

Asking for help.

Mm.... you just... have to

When I got home from the hospital,

my mom had to wash me and put me into bed.

I hated it.

I couldn't wait to do things for myself.

But, uh... then I saw how much she was dealing with...

and helping me, I don't know, connected us.

Sometimes even after I could do things by myself,

I'd pretend I still needed her.

It was like giving her something.

You might just think that this happened to you,

but it didn't.

I don't think I've ever wanted anything from anybody.

That can't be true.

You don't know me.

I know you visit us every few years.

You travel thousands of miles to see us.

You must want something.

Family member cooking who's not me. I like it.

Dr. Chin said I need spicy food.

I would have helped you.

Oh, I've made it a million times.

I can manage.

Smells good.

Of course.

It's my paella.

C-can I...


And the cast-iron skillet.



Um... I thought no one was supposed to know this recipe.

Yeah, well, it can't die with me.

It's too damn good.


Before the onions burn, chop 3 cloves fine..

Has to be very fine.

And then 6 more cloves whole, but peeled.

If the onions burn we have to start over.

My mother drinks

Blackwidow-4-u has logged off.

"Muy bueno".

Take it off the stove and put it on the table.

So, if mom gives up the recipe, we have to kill her?


Trampled by bulls.

Kevin, pour the guava juice.

It'll cut the spice and nobody has to get hurt.

I'm putting on my pants and my trusty garlic sensor starts going nuts.

We made paella!

We ?

No cracks or you don't get any.

Do you really have the recipe?

You can torture me all you want.

I'm not giving it up.

Luke !

I know one usually doesn't toast with guava juice, but...

Well, I don't care.

Someone cooked?

In the morning

Olive's making a toast.


Sorry, I can't


Luke !


Salud !

Salud !

Famiglia !

Famiglia !

Famiglia !

Ok, who's first? Pass 'em down. Who wants a clam?

I want a shell.
I want a clam shell.

Joan spilled it.

And so Warhol forced us to look at images
that had become invisible in their familiarity

and proved that the potential for art exists everywhere.

Good job on your projects, everyone.

Adam ?

Great job.

I--I have never seen you do work that's so technically proficient.

This shows a real mastery of craft.

I...I mean, it was kind of fun in the end.

That's good, 'cause...

you could have a real future in commercial design.

Magritte, Lichtenstein, Warhol,

they all worked commercially.

You can make a good living, and--
and you could still do your own projects on the side.

It's just something to consider.



Roy, you can't just resign.

I already did.

Lieutenant Preston will be taking over for me

You did this, right?

You talked to Rakowski, planted some doubt about Roy.

She had nothing to do with this.

Duncan and Simmons were my guys.

They ran drugs, and they killed a woman.

The buck has to stop somewhere.

The buck stops wherever the person in charge decides it stops.

That's the way it works nowadays.

And you're all right with that?

You would do the same thing, Will.

Lieutenant Preston has been on the force for 14 years.

Coming from I.A., She's unimpeachable.

I know how tough this must be..

I'll leave you two alone.

We ought to grab lunch someday, detective Girardi.

I might surprise you.

I'd like to stand with you when you make the announcement.

Larry, look what I have....



uh... he's gone, Jane.

What happened?

He broke through the screen.

Well--maybe's he's just outside

No, no, no, no, stop.

I just--I--

I've been looking for hours, ok?

He's just gone.

Well, where were you?

How could you have not seen him?

The pamphlet said take him out of the cage for longer periods,

and he seemed really happy, so, you know,

I put on music, I did some work, and...

then I noticed the screen.


I'm so sorry, Jane.

It's ok.

It's ok.

We'll--we'll find him.

We'll find him..

Mom ?

What are you doing here?

Aunt Olive made me stop here one day to look at the birds

She said that one there--

it's blue grosbeak--

and it migrates all the way to Costa Rica for the winter.

Thousands of miles.

What are you doing here?

Larry ran away.

Oh, honey...

I'm so sorry.

So did aunt Olive.

What ?


she left a note.

"Tracked down Dr. Chin in Sedona.

He said I'll walk once he unblocks the chi in my liver"

"Not one for good-byes, so I'm off.

Until next time, remember, the garlic has to be finely chopped. Olive."

She should've let us give her a hug.

Next time.


Oh, there's the cat woman.

I should go tell her about Larry.

I'll be back.

I lost him.

I tried everything.

I swear, it was just, my aunt--

he's probably under a bus somewhere,

and it's all my fault.

Running away--

it's his nature.

But I thought I was supposed to change him.

Why do you think he was the one who was supposed to change?

Catch him,

Catch him, Jane !

Larry !

Adam !