Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 22 - Something Wicked This Way Comes - full transcript

Joan was suspicious of Ryan from the moment he walked out of the woods with Adam and now he confirms that he has also had contact with God. However, Rayn chooses to use his free will to defy God. Joan is told by God to prepare for...


- Judith.
- Oh, man,

you're a deep sleeper.

I thought you'd never wake up.

I've had this dream before.

Look, I don't have much time.
Let me do the talking.

How do you not have much time?
You're dead.

Whatever. That's your perspective.

You're not dead?

It turns out all that stuff
Lischak was talking about is true.

You know, relativity,
string theory, different dimensions.

The human eye can only see a fragment
of the electromagnetic spectrum.

But that's not the point.

You're about to be tested,
so you need to get ready.

- Are you talking about finals?
- No.

This sounds bad.
I'm not good with tests.

Here's what you need
to remember. It's all true,

- and you're not alone.
- Is it gonna be, like,

written, oral, essay, multiple choice?

Do I need to run or jump?

Are superpowers required, because...

- I don't have any.
- Of course you do.

I knew it.

God's behind this, isn't he?

He's behind everything.

By the way,

Adam and Cruella?

- I was so wrong.
- Yeah.

Can you believe it?

It's good you forgave him, though.

Well, he did almost freeze to death.

Your hair looks good.


- I want to cut it.
- No way. It's hot.

I really miss you.

I didn't go anywhere.

I'm just hard to see sometimes.

But you're ok?

Be strong, Jojo.

Oh, hey. Watch this.

Cool, huh?

Yeah, like I can go to sleep now.


Season 2 - Episode 22
"something wicked this way comes"

Honey, wake up.

You've slept through 2 snooze alarms.

- What time is it?
- Late,

the kids are all up.

Oh, God.

I had the strangest dream.

I saw Judith.

- She was in our kitchen.
- You've been working too hard.

No, I was just making a cup of tea,

and she just walked right
through the kitchen.

God, I could've sworn I was awake.

- No, I'm not sick.
- Ok.

I swear I listened all year,
I took notes, I...

I got Bs, but it's like I never even
saw this stuff before.

Physics is hard to retain.

It's counter-intuitive to the way we
day-to-day perceive the world.

I mean, we ignore the quantum
and trust the newtonian. It's habit.

I have no idea what you just said.

That's because men understand
science better. They've done studies.

Aah! Not you, you don't count.

See, we don't fundamentally
believe in sub-atomic probability.

I mean, I do, but, you know,
I'm a science stud.

Science and stud do not
go together, dude.

Jonas Salk had a very sexy jaw line.

Why do you know that?

So, you're all confident
about the physics final?

I don't study for finals.
It's against the laws of anarchy.

How can there be laws of anarchy?

I really need to update my portfolio
so I can get an internship this summer.

Otherwise, it's back to the hotel,
a fate worse than death.

I have to get
a job this summer, too.

My dad is threatening
to make me work at the temple.

Camp counselor.

Girardi, what's with the zombie look?

I saw Rocky.

- Wait, Rocky?
- Dead Rocky?

Every year this time, she breaks down.

It's like her warranty's up.

You looking for me, Joan?

What are you doing here?

I wasn't sure you'd see me.

Sometimes you don't.

- Are you around a lot?
- Well, I like to check in.

What's going on? You and Judith
don't know you're dead?

I have to show you to the other side?

Go to the light. That's my advice.

You watch too many movies.

Why is this happening to me?

There's been a disturbance
in your magnetic field.

You'll understand it soon.

I have to go now.


Rocky, wait!

Rocky, come on!

I need to know more.

I got you guys.

I got you guys. Man, that was easy.

So not funny, dude.

Hey, Will?

Guy out here, he says
he has an appointment.

I pretended to be your assistant,
which I thought was kind of fun.

Who is he?

New president of the citizen's
watchdog committee.

- Oh, here we go.
- Now, now,

- you promised to play
nice with the citizens.
- I don't remember that.

He's about 12. Don't eat him alive.

I promise to cook him first.

Ryan Hunter,
lieutenant Girardi.

- We meet again.
- Well, this is a surprise.

I meant to introduce myself in this
capacity the night of the rescue,

but I felt you had enough on your mind.


I'd like to reiterate my gratitude
for saving my daughter's friend.

I suppose this automatically
qualifies you as a good citizen?

Anyone would have done the same.

So, what can I do
for the citizens, Mr. Hunter?

As you know, this counsel
was formed in the wake

of the various scandals inside
the Arcadia police force,

most of which you brought to light.

So you know it's my highest goal
to keep the department

clean and accountable to the community.

We're just here to help you realize that goal.

Out of curiosity, why would a young guy
like you want this job?

I have the dubious distinction
of being independently wealthy.

I always meant to do that.

I was just in the right .com
place at the right time,

and also had sense enough to get out.

- It's in my DNA to give back
to the community.
- Well.

You let me know what you need from us.

Police reports, stats,
tickets to the pancake dinner.

It cuts both ways.

We're here to help you in any way
that we can, so

- don't hesitate to pick up the phone.
- Great.

Well, this was painless.

- Hope it stays that way.
- My hope, as well.

I don't know if this make sense, but

I see things that aren't there,
except they are.

And then sometimes they happen.

- Yes, we call that crazy.
- No, listen.

Last night I saw Joan's
dead friend Judith,

only I was not dreaming.
I really did see her.


And last year, when Joan got sick,

somehow I knew, and I just went
to the hospital, and there she was.

And the night of Kevin's accident,

I had this vision of him
lying on the ground,

and then the cops came.

So is there anything this could be
other than I'm having a breakdown?

Well, you could be possessed,

but, you know, usually there's
more foaming from the mouth.

Well, thanks.
You've been a real comfort.

Ok, look.

There's such a thing
as a charism, but it's rare.

What is a charism?

It comes from the greek word for gift,

and in theology, it's a divine
spiritual talent

given to people for
the good of the community.

There are all kinds.

There's preaching, teaching, prophecy,

and interpretation of tongues.

And the one you're describing is
the discernment of spirits.

Why would I have this?

- Do you have this?
- No.

I prayed for that charism my whole life,

and if you've got it without
even being confirmed,

I'm extra pissed at God.

Well, you can have mine.
I don't know what to do with it.

Well, you know, don't panic, ok?

There's still a chance
that you're just losing it.

I mean, after all,
your kid went nuts.

Thanks. I'll cling to that.

Can I have a green tea, please?

Hi, Joan!

It's Me.

Over here.

Oh God.

That's right. It's Me.

Can we cut to the chase?

What's going on?

'Cause I don't wanna go back to crazy camp.

A lot of things are going on.

Gravity, inertia, entropy,

strong force, weak force.

Oh, so we're being funny now, are we?

I thought you'd be happy
to see your friends.


Alive. That's how I like
to see my friends.

They were trying to illustrate a point.

Matter is neither
created nor destroyed.

Ok, I've been studying physics.
I get that part.

I know you understand it,
but you have to believe it,

because it's going to be
on the other test,

which is unlike any test
you've ever had.

No chance you could help me
study for this one,

maybe give me an advance copy?

- Just start with the question.
- What question?

The one you asked
the first time you saw me.

Think about it.

- Why me?
- That's the one.

So, I'm thinking grease and salt.
How about you?

I went with sugar and chemicals.
I'm good.

Why aren't you with Lilly?

She dump you?

You know, sometimes I do the dumping.
I'm not always the dumpee.

- Did you dump Lilly?
- Nobody got dumped.

We both had to work.

Oh. So it's really just me
that's all alone and pathetic.

Pretty much.

What do you remember about me as a kid?

Well, I remember once you stuffed
beans up your nose.

Kev, seriously.

Was there anything special about me?

- There was Yaya.
- What?

You had this imaginary
friend named Yaya.

You were always talking to him.

Mom had to pretend to make
sandwiches for him,

no one was allowed to sit in his chair,
we had to make room for him in the car.

You were totally obsessed with it,

and you got really mad if
anyone said he wasn't real.

What did he look like?

You said he always was different,

and sometimes he was a girl.

Then one day when you were 4 or 5,

you announced he was gone.
You said, uh,

"I can't see Yaya anymore."

You weren't sad, just matter of fact.

Kind of like a sociopath.

You wanna hear about the time you threw
up spaghetti on Hazel the babysitter?


No, I'm good for now. Good night.

It was hilarious.

It was in her hair.

What are you doing?

Stop, you're making a mess!


That's not funny!


Should God look weirder than they do?

- Hey, do something.
- It's not up to me.

Ok, got it. I'll be right there.

Yeah, I know the place.

I have to go.

They're just clowns.


Is the damage confined to this area?

Yes, and nothing is missing.

Some of the icons are gold or silver.
This is just vandalism.

Any disgruntled parishioners?

Angry mail? Threats?

Someone's always disgruntled, and

hate mail comes with the territory.

But nothing unusual,
nothing too disturbing.

I don't think it's kids.

We've had that before.

It's terrible, father.

You know, I'm not a religious guy, but...

it's hard to look at a thing like this.

Thank you.

I should go make some phone calls.

And we're gonna find who did this.

Sick bastard.

I mean the perp, not the father.

You catholic, boss?

- Call forensics.
- I did.

They're on their way.

See what's keeping 'em.

- Hi.
- Studying. Ignoring you.

This won't take long.

I'm not gonna help you, ok?
It's every physicist for himself.

- Just explain the
electromagnetic spectrum to me.
- Nope.

Look, it's not for class.
It's personal.

You have personal issues
with the electromagnetic spectrum?

I just want to understand it a little better.

I'll pay you $10, and
I'll clean your room.

20, and that includes the fish tank.



This is the electromagnetic spectrum.

Give me your ring.


This is what the human
eye can see of it.

Over here we have

atoms, molecules, particles,

magnetic fields,
gravity, blah, blah, blah.

Stuff that we can't see,
but which we can quantify

with mathematical equations
based on its behavior.

That is, we can construct
a feasible metaphor.

- What's over here?
- Everything else.

What do you mean?

Dimensions, time warps,
time travel.

Stuff we haven't
figured out how to do yet.


Yeah, ghosts, ufos, shape shifting,
whatever you like.

Everything's possible
that has not been defined.

So where's God?

No, I cannot get into God because
that's unified field theory,

and that's my area, and I'm not
gonna give you the edge.


Breathe through your nose.

Look at him badgering the priest.

Well, it is his job to get the story.

Whose side are you on?

- His.
- Oh,


I saw this.

I knew this was gonna happen.

- I dreamt about it.
- Don't.

No, I can't help it. It's true.

Well, did you happen to
dream about who did it?


In my dream it was clowns.

I don't think there's
a charism for clowns.

- Yesterday you took this seriously.
- Ok, I'm sorry.

All right? I just get cranky when I'm
picking up broken pieces of saints.

Looks like it might be related to

another church vandalism
case over in Marston.

If that pans out,
then it's a serial thing,

and then it's a front page story.

Is that what this is to you?

A byline?

This is news.

Printing the story is only
gonna help catch the guy.

Isn't that what you want?

I want it not to have happened.

I think that's everyone's first choice.

People pray in here.

Do you get that?

They come in here with
their insides all churned up

and their hearts hurting,

and all of their dead relatives, and
their hopes and dreams and failures,

and what keeps them awake at night,
and they put it in here.

And some creep comes in here and does this

without even thinking about what it means.

- Lilly.
- No, you don't care.

You just dabble in it.

And you just wanna write
a story about it, but to me,

this was everything.

Ha ha ha! How's it going?

Why do you ask questions
you know the answer to?

To give you the opportunity to respond.

Of course.

Thanks for all the
extra work at exam time.

You've already done
most of the work, Joan.

The last couple of years,

think of them as kind of a training
ground, a spiritual boot camp.

You're doing quite well.

And I'm God, I should know.

Whatever it is you're
preparing me for, I'm not ready.

You will be.

Oh, look, there's Adam.

Why don't you go say hi?

Were you Yaya?

Why do you ask questions
that you know the answer to?


- You remember Ryan, right?
- Sure.

Good to see you again.

Get this, Ryan was just jogging by

and we ran into each other,
totally random,

and, you know, we were talking.

I was mentioning to him
I was looking for an internship,

so he thinks he can get
me one at the Herald.

The paper, where my brother works?

He owns it.

- He owns the paper?
- More like a silent partner.

So, what are you, like, rich?

I've been lucky.

- So I'll set up a meeting
for next week.
- Great. Thanks.

I really have to jet on my portfolio,

so I'll see you later, Jane.

You've been really good
to Adam. I think

saving his life was probably enough.

Why don't you like me, Joan?

I don't not like you. I don't know you.

We have a lot more in
common than you realize.

Oh, really?

- Besides Adam?
-I saw you talking to her.


The custodian?


Nice metaphor.

Kind of relentless, isn't she?

Or He?

A little annoying.

Omnipresent and always right.


- you can see...
- God.

Since I was about your age.

We'll have plenty of time to talk.

In the last hour?

Let's see. Nothing.

The hour before that, nada.

It's dead, Sammy.

It's like there are plagues coming.

Please, just let me close up.
I have to study.


Oh, wait, there's a customer.

He hasn't heard about plagues.

I'll call you back later.

Hi, we're...



It's you.

And it's me.

Here we are.

Do you have anything on
how to run a newspaper?

- You're kidding, right?
- Not really.

Just about everything
I know was self-taught.

All the information in the world,
right here for the taking.

Most people don't know how to use it.

That's to our advantage.

That and the other thing.

- Right. Of course.
- Yeah.

So, when did it all start for you?

Oh, I was 14. I was a lonely, emotional kid,

and when my parents got divorced,
I needed someone to talk to, so

I made Him up. And suddenly,

He was real.

You know why you were
chosen and all that?

I don't really care.

Where do you think it's leading?

I mean, there must
be some kind of big plan.

That's why we're meeting.

It's all coming together.

Like I said, Joan, I just don't care.

What do you mean?

Well, He's Master of the universe,
He created everything.

I'm supposed to be impressed?

With this universe?

You do watch the news occasionally?

- Yeah, but...
- if He were really that divine,

not to mention smart and merciful,

He would've scrapped
the free will idea.

We would've been like computers.

Intelligent, capable, infallible even,

but not free.

I don't get it.

We don't have to be bossed around
by some love-starved egocentric deity.

I didn't ask to be born,
but now that I'm here,

it's all up to me. I like it that way.

My life is a gift?
Ok, thanks.

He can't ask for it back.

Does He know you feel this way?

We've talked about it.

He enjoys the debate. He's a great

Very well-informed.

If you know that He's God,
how can you just say no?

- He's in charge.
- But he's not.

But he will be.

When it's over, it's over.

That's a little something
He left out of the story.

That's not true.

How do you know?

I just know.


I haven't read him in a while.

Do you know what his philosophy was?

"Life must be some kind
of terrible mistake."

But the beautiful thing, Joan?

It's not my mistake.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm a good guy.

I saved Adam's life.

Ok. So here's what we're looking at.

A 3 stooges film festival.

If you say yes, it's true love.

A yugoslavian film I can't
pronounce about,

uh, people wearing bad
clothes and being hungry.

It's quite a masterpiece.

Or a tractor pull.
Tractor pull's always good.

- Laser tag?
- It makes me wanna go back...

what happened at the church.

You mean all the way?

The "full metal nun" back?

Look, it's just... I was thinking
about why I left,

and it's because I wasn't sure.

I mean, I had questions. I was angry.

I didn't completely understand
what God was up to.

I was just a little
confused, that's all.

And so I threw away my whole vocation
because I was a little confused.

That's the whole reason you left?

Ok, the guy thing was part of it.

I mean, I kept thinking
about falling in love

and how I would never get to do that.

You're not really supposed to
feel that way if you have a calling.

So I thought maybe I was hiding
from life in here, and

now that I'm out, I feel like
I'm hiding from God.

You're just... stuck.
Psychological quicksand.

I was like that after the accident.

I didn't want to live.
I didn't want to die.

Eventually, one choice
just comes into focus.

And you thought I was just handsome.

Now you're getting warm, Jojo.

A cop and an artist.

An avenger and a visionary.

What kind of kid
did you'd think they'd have?

Can you stop showing up like that?
I mean, I miss you, but

it freaks me out because none
of my other friends are dead.


So it's meant to be.
It's some kind of calling.

Circumstances conspire.

Energies converge.

Into powerfull new forces.

That's where you come in.

You have to go.

- Come on in.
- I can't.

- Why not?
- It's on fire.

No, it's only water.

Something's wrong.


They think they've got it contained.

It won't affect the other structures.

- Anybody hurt?
- No.

Synagogue was empty.

Are we looking
at the same guy?

Can't know yet.

Rabbi's over here if you
want to talk to him.

- What's his name?
- Polonsky.



It's late.

Yeah, I know.

How's Grace?


It's good she can sleep.


I think I know who did it.

- What?
- The guy who rescued adam.

Ryan Hunter.

I had the weirdest feeling
about him that night.

And I've seen him since, and...

we've talked, and he...

has this thing with God.

He told you this?

He thinks he's smarter than God.

He thinks it's some kind of a game.

You just have to trust me on this.

Joan, a lot people think
they're smarter than God.

A lot of people have
big problems in this area.

I'm one of them.

I don't burn down
religious institutions.

No, this guy is different.

I know it, and don't ask me how I know,

I just do. So please...

for once in our lives, trust that I
might know something you don't.

Ryan Hunter was just
in my office yesterday.

He's on the citizen's
watchdog committee.

He works with the police.

I appreciate you wanting to help, but

you need to leave this to me...

ok, sweetie?

You just take care of your friend.

Go back to bed.

The place looks better.

I've been thinking
about what you've said.

I just wanted you to know it's ok.

I mean I can't compete with God.

On the other hand, I don't feel
so slighted losing out to him.

I, uh...

appreciate you...

taking me seriously

and giving me a chance.

It could have been fun.

Father Ken said

that if I think I somehow had something
to do with the church getting destroyed,

then I'm making myself too important

and I have to pray for humility.

He also says that I'm feeling this way

because it's the first time I've really
ever confronted the fact that I'm...

that I could...

that you are...

that we might...

you were the first guy
whoever made me...


So because you make me feel so...


I should probably figure out
what this... whatever is,

because I can't hide from myself.

Because according to St. Augustine,

"to know yourself is to know God."

I like this Augustine.

And Father Ken.

But it's wrong to make
out in a church.

Just checking.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Ok. So I've made a decision.

Since my father has enough on his mind

with the synagogue being
a pile of rubble and all,

I can't afford to flunk physics.

So for the first time in
the history of final exams,

I am going to study.

- Hey, coma girl.
- What?

- Impromptu study group
at lunch? You in?
- Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, that's great.

Um... I'll catch up with you.

Sure. Why not?


- Hey.
- Hi, Joan.

Oh, right.

Of course you two know each other.

What are you doing here?

Ryan just got elected
to the school board.

I'm showing him
what he got himself into.

You're on the school board?

Just trying to help out.


I got to go to class, so...

I think I've learned enough for one day.

- Thank you, Helen.
- Sure, sure.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Well, you're just everywhere.

I do what I can.

It's a brilliant idea,

hiding in plain sight.

I'm not hiding, Joan.

I'm onto you.

Beyond what we've discussed?

Beyond that.

Like vandalism and arson.

You can't imagine how lonely
I've been all these years, Joan.

And frustrated knowing there had
to be someone out there

with a similar experience,
wondering who it was,

and if we'd meet, and when we did,

if that person would be
a worthy opponent.

I have to admit,

I never pictured a 16-year-old girl.


with a working knowledge of physics,

not to mention a real bug up my ass about
anyone who wants to hurt my friends.

The point is I'm impressed...

and I'm excited.

I think this is going to be
a fair fight, don't you?

I have a slight advantage.

I have God on my side.

So far, I have the cops,

the newspaper, and the school board.

He didn't stop any
of that from happening.

I think...

this is going to be
the challenge of our lifetime.

I personally feel violated
that Lischak is including

popular science on the exam.

It's like the Maroon 5 of physics.

Admittedly, they have a groove
and the lead singer's hot.

People, are we gonna study,

or are we gonna revert
back to hormones?

Well, hormones are physics.

I means at least the conversion of
hormones can be construed that way.

It's not an evolved form, of course.


I got the internship at the paper.

The one Ryan set up for you?

Yeah. He's a real godsend.

Maybe it's not such a good
idea for you to do that.

Why not?

I don't like him, Adam.

- I thought you did.
- No.


Actually, it's the
opposite. He's just...

He's what ?

He's what Jane?

I'll be right back.

Is she spinning out again?

Did she ever stop?

Ok, God.

So what's the message here?
Ryan is the adversary?

I told you before, he's a connection.

He's evil.

Connections are mostly neutral, Joan.

Ryan is human,

and every human, by virtue of free will,

has the choice of how
to direct his actions

for good or evil.

He's made it clear
how he's directing his.

He saved adam. He got him a job.

He trashed churches and
burned down a synagogue.

The universe is kinetic, Joan.

Every day, you have to make a choice.

Make it better or worse.

Most people do a little bit of both.

And there are those powerful enough to
overbalance the scales on either end.

So is this fancy talk for you
expect me to save the world?

Counterbalance is a better word.

You want me to fight back?

I expect you to fulfill your true nature,

same as it ever was.

I really don't think I'm up to this.

I think you are

or else you wouldn't have met him.

This is seriously going to cut
into my normal high school routine.

You never liked high school that much.

If you want me to do this,
I get it, but I can't do it alone.

My own father doesn't believe me.

My ex-boyfriend
is siding with the devil.

I have no weapons.

Other people who have fought back,
you know, the other Joan,

she had an army, ok?

I don't have anything like that.
Where's my army?

Yeah. So basically I'm on my own.

You have everything you need, Joan.

and the truth will set you free

Then I know someday I'll find the key

Then I know somewhere I'll find the key

Well it seem like I've been
playin' the game way too long

And it seems the game I played
has made you strong

Well when the game is over,
I won't walk out a loser

And I know that I'll walk out of here again

And I know that someday I'll walk out of here again

But now i'm trapped...