Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 15 - Romancing the Joan - full transcript

George Gordon: Lord Byron,

along with their contemporaries,

Percy Shelley and John Keats,

comprise a virtual trinity of what we now call the romantic movement in poetry.

Excuse me, young lady.

A substitute can send people to the office too.

These early 19th century upstarts threw off the constraints of their gothic predecessors.

New moods, new tone, and new language.

Arguably, imagination was the most critical attribute of the romantic poets.

Each of them had the ability to portray remarkable images and visions...

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Great, great.

Perfect timing.

Hey, baby, how were things on Wall Street ?

You know, just trading stocks and making deals.

-== [ ] ==-

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Great, great.

Perfect timing.

How was record producing ?

Oh, Usher is so needy.

So, what should I make for dinner ?

Ah, well, you don't have to cook because I ordered pizza.

You are the best.

Anything for you.

Guess what ?

The Guggenheim called, and they're giving me my own wing.

No ?!

That's incredible !

And look.

You are so amazing.

No, you are.

No, you.

No, you.


Ms. Gross will be back tomorrow, and your test will cover everything we talked about.

The extra credit assignment is due a week from today ...

I think actually lost body mass from boredom.

I can't believe I'm looking forward to seeing mrs. Gross.

I even miss her mole.

I feel sorry for your parents.

Ms. Girardi, can I see you for a moment, please ?

Do not cop to anything.

How can you not be interested in romantic poetry, Joan ?

With your imagination...

I like that you made yourself a record producer.

God shouldn't be boring.

And you're in my daydreams ?

That's worse than spying.

Why don't you do the extra credit assignment ?

What for ?

This is my good class.

Because you might learn something, you might enjoy it,

and because I'm asking you to.

Yeah, but those first two don't really matter, do they ?

What is it ?

I'm already late for lunch.

"Choose a poem by Byron, Shelley, or Keats: analyze and explain."

I almost fell asleep just saying that.

Really ?

Give it a shot.

Now, go...

before your fish sticks get cold.

Stay out of my daydreams.

Hello ?

What ?

Oh, yeah, hold on.

It's Lucy.

What ?

It's Lucy on the phone.

Why is she calling here ?

She's your boss.

I must have turned my cell off.

Yeah ?


Uh, hold on.

I have to get a pen.

I'm going with dead drunk guy.

Carlisle ?

You're the boss.

Any sign of foul play ?

No, he froze to death.

I don't know why you detectives got called in on this.

Yeah, yeah.

Sweep the area anyway.

Look for prints, tire tracks, meteor craters.

But there's nothing.

Just do it.

You want to tell me what's going on ?

If I knew.

The boss drags us out for some dead drunk in an alley.

Are we on some kind of probation ?


You know Will, you can talk to me.

It's kind of already out there, you know ?

It's sort of an open secret in the department.

What is ?

You and Preston.

She's got a thing for me.

She's created this whole mythology.

She claims I played into it.

Did you ?


I don't know.

Aw, hell, I hope not.

I'm a happily married man.

The whole idea of it is insane.


You know, you had all that, uh, pressure with the lawsuit.

Nothing happened.

Do you hear me ?

I hear you.

But we're in an alley at 4:00 in the morning for no good reason.

I'm being punished because nothing happened.


What does Helen say ?

You didn't tell her.

How the hell do I start that conversation ?

I just don't get it.

These poems are supposed to be romantic, but they're all about death.

Death is romantic.

Especially when there's blood.

Or a plague.

Why haven't we double dated ?

Dude ?

I'm on it.

This looks private.

The girl needs back-up.



Hi, Jane.


You haven't met my assistant, Stevie Marx.


Stevie, this is my girlfriend Joan, my friend Grace.

It's so excellent to meet you guys.

I didn't know Adam had an assistant.

Oh, it just happened, you know ?

I put an ad in the school paper.

And I'm so stoked.

Yeah, and she's gonna help me out with my design shop stuff.

Plus, I get 2 whole art credits for hanging around and watching him be a genius.

Oh, I do that for free.

Ok, well, I gotta run, Ads.

It was really nice to meet you guys.

And I love your look.

And you have an awesome man who is gonna be wicked famous.


Guys, don't make a thing of it, ok ?

I needed an assistant, she answered the ad.

And I guess all the ugly assistants were taken.

Don't you have an appointment in the biology closet ?

Jane, don't go there.

She's on the spirit squad, ok ?

She has Hello Kitty stuff.

You never mentioned needing an assistant.

I could have helped you.

When ?

You're busier than I am.

Aw, Jane, come on.

You aren't seriously jealous.


She's just so perky.

I hate perky.

This you know.

Stella, the usual, to go.

Make it snappy.

We're backed up.

No special treatment for gimps.

You've got moxie.
I like that.

Uh, is this a popular nun hang-out ?

There's no such thing as a popular nun.

Haven't seen you around the house lately.

That's because your mother decided she wasn't ready to be a catholic.

So unless she asks me to join her bridge club, I don't think we'll be hanging out.

Maybe I wasn't a good enough teacher.

I can't believe that's true.

Hey, I looked into the surfing thing.

Apparently, I can totally do it.

Of course you can.

We should go out sometime.

Yeah, all I need is a specially fitted surfboard and, you know, an ocean.

Yeah, and it, uh, it works better in the summer too, so...

are you checking me out ?

What ?

No, I was...



So, what does that mean ?

Uh, I'm straight and, uh, you're not a nun anymore.

Are you asking me out ?

Well, do you want to go out ?


No, I mean, it...

it's probably not a good idea with your mother and all.

Well, she wouldn't have to come with us,

although I usually do take her on my dates.

No, she...she wouldn't have to know.

Sneaking, huh ?

I haven't done that since the convent.

I mean, cigarettes, not guys.

Sure, sure.

Drink's up, Kevin.

No foam soy latte with vanilla.

I have a strong feminine side.

Well, I...I'm free tonight.

I...I like italian.

Ruggero's is good.

Can I pick the time ?

Of course.

8:00 works for me.


You're the guy.

What a great time of year.

It's freezing,

midterms are coming up,

it's a billion years before school's out,

everybody's sick,

and there's nothing to look forward to.

Valentine's Day.

Don't even think about it.

No, I'm a guy.

I'll totally forget it.


So are we doing physics study group today ?

I can't.

I'm getting tutored in english.

Extra credit.

Tutored ?

I thought you were doing ok in english.

Well, apparently, I can do better.

What is with all this trying, Girardi.

You're like a stranger to me.

Hey, Adam.

Sorry to interrupt.

I got the slides back for the class project, and I thought you'd want to see it right away.



I thought she was helping you with design shop.

And a little bit of class stuff, too.

Oh Stevie, do you know everybody ?


Joan, Grace, and you must be Luke.

You guys made the biology closet famous.

I didn't...

Oh, it's everywhere.

And you're Friedman,right ?

You're going to Harvard ?

Well, I'm considering it.

It's really not much of a sports school.

But, you know, I can't discount Yale.

Really, with its drama department,

and, uh, the rowing team is fantastic...


ok, I gotta jet.

Uh, see you later, Ads.

Thanks, Stevie.

I gotta jet ?

She's a great assistant.

Who could even contemplate high school without an assistant ?

I have to go.

I have to go read some odes.

Hey,, who's tutoring you ?

Roger ?

It was just a question.

What's with Preston breathing down our necks ?

Sorry you're getting dragged into this.

Ah, she's teaching me a lesson, too.

Afraid of what I might know, possibly.

She's not afraid of anything, and she's untouchable.

You have a sexual harassment case.

You can file without pressing charges.

Yeah, and then I can retire and run a flower shop.

I'm just saying...

She might beat you to it.

The board wants to float, and the waves want to support you.

It's the paddling, you know, with...

with the waves bashing you in the face,

and you fall off and the salt water comes out of your nose,

and you just gotta climb back on just to get bashed again.

Sort of like dating.

Oh, really ?

I haven't done enough to know.

No, right now it's more like the shoes looked cute in the store,

but then they hurt my feet.

So, um, what about you ?

What are your hobbies ?

I play golf some.


I have pretty high maintenance hygiene.

Which is a gross thing to say on a first date.

Or any date.

I'm sorry.


At least you haven't talked ad nauseam about your last girlfriend.

That was coming ?

No, no, no.

I'm...I'm sure you...

you really got around when you could, you know, get around.

You, uh, broke a lot of hearts ?

Um...a few.

One in particular, but she got me back.

When was that ?

3 weeks ago.

Well, as long as it's not fresh.

Should we even be doing this ?

I...yeah, I had to get back in the game, and...

you asked, and I like you, so...

I asked ?

You did everything but send a car.


Well, um, I've had about as much fun as a girl can have in one night.

No, I'm sorry.

I really am.



I'll be charming.

I'll be ebullient, even.

I feel the ebullience coming on.

I've never liked clean up committee.

Look, I was horrible to her, ok ?

I have some residual guilt.

You of all people should understand.

A quick story before I go, ok ?

The reason I became a nun is because after the second time I stole money from my blind grandmother

to run away from home to join a surfing colony,

I decided that I was such a horrible person that no normal remedy could save me.

Thinking you're the worst person in the world is no different than thinking you're the best.

It's giving yourself a place in the universe you haven't earned.

Thanks for dinner.

"In secret we met,

in silence I grieve that thy heart could forget, thy spirit deceive."

"If I should meet thee after long years,

how should I greet thee ?"

"With silence and tears."

Honestly, how much worse are the Backstreet Boys ?

You're taking it out of context,

and reading it like you're on Nyquil.

But they're so seriously dull.

Just tell me how to write the paper.

And let you miss the point of Byron ?

Couldn't live with myself.


The last time you tutored me, you said it was just a game.

Well, this is different.

Look, there are very few things in life worth learning about,

and poetry happens to be one of 'em.

Think of it.

People devoted their lives to putting beautiful puzzles of words together.

Byron, for example, was a Lord.

A wealthy man.

He could have done anything with his life,

but he devoted it to this...

and a few bacchanalian orgies.


"She walks in beauty..."

"like the night..."

"of cloudless climes and starry skies,

and all that's best of dark and bright

meet in her aspect and her eyes."

Well, when you put it that way...


Poetry, Joan.

It's the only language worthy of love.

Except, of course, the physical language.

Are you ok ?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Trouble in paradise ?

You and Adam ?

Oh, no, we're...

we're great.

I remember my high school girlfriend.

I could have sworn on my life I was gonna marry her.

We were making the plans, applying to the same colleges.

Did she die?

No, no.

She met somebody else.

But then I was already kind of seeing someone else.

It fell apart right after graduation.

Oh, how sad.

Oh, well, it's high school.

It's not supposed to last forever.

I should be getting home.

I'll, uh...

I'll drive you.

No, I...I, um...

I...I take the bus.

I love the bus, and I should lock up.


If you're sure.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Darling, everything is lovely.

I sold 12 paintings already.

I knew you would.

Chicken wings ?

Mini pizzas ?

Awesome chimichangas ?

Yes, thank you...

Hold on.

Not her.


This is my fantasy.

She's not in it.

I'm just trying to help, Ads.

You heard my wife ?

Oh, more champagne, sweetie ?

Oh, it's free.

Here you are my love.

Surprised ?

What is it ?

Mrs. Gross, I need a hall pass.

But you're in the middle of your test.

I know, but I, uh, have to go.

It's a medical condition.

Do you have a hall pass ?

Hey, have you seen a guy in a knit cap with a disgustingly cute girl go by ?

Every day.

That's the whole school.

No, they were different.

You seem lost, Joan.

I'm not lost, God.

It's just that while I'm working on this bogus extra credit thing,

my boyfriend is starring in who wants a perky blonde assistant ?

Are you threatened by her ?


No ?

Is that why you made her fall into a plate of chicken wings ?

Hey, that wasn't real, and I...

told you to stay out of my daydreams.

Is it so wrong to imagine stuff ?

No, it's not wrong...

I mean, if Byron hadn't let his mind wander,

we wouldn't have his fabulous poetry,

which is actually really boring,

except for the one that Roger read to me.

Roger looks good in a tux.

Again with the spying.

Dreams influence and accentuate life, but they don't define it.


You were the one that told me to study romantic poetry.

Study it, yes, so that you could understand it.

Differentiate. I losing Adam ?

People don't really belong to each other, Joan,

regardless of what contract they sign.

They choose each other every day.

But if you're worried, why don't you just ask him ?

Run along, you haven't finished the test.

Oh, I, um, take it that you're not reconsidering the church.

Well, I didn't slam the door on it,

but I'm taking a break.

I miss talking to you.

I consider you a friend.


I really don't know how to say this.

Look, he asked me.

And...and nothing happened.

In fact, I walked out on him because he's still hung up on his ex.

What are you talking about ?

What are you ?

I went out with Kevin.
I'm worried about Will and his boss.

What ?

Are you kidding ?


You definitely first.

He asked me out,

We had dinner, but he's still in love with some other girl,

so he was rude.


It's a non-issue,

But Will's having an affair with his boss ?

No, I don't know.


maybe I'm imagining things.


He was rude ?

Oh, your story definitely trumps mine.

Well, I...

I'm jumping to conclusions,

but there is something going on.

Um, I met her, and I just had this feeling that she was...

Evil ?

No, I...

I don't really use that word.

Well, you might want to think about starting.

Because it's out there.

Well, evil is all ugly and fire breathing.

She isn't that way.

Are you kidding ?

Evil is charming and beautiful.

It makes you doubt yourself.

It asks for one small compromise after another until it whittles you down.

And it functions best when no one believes in it.

So, how am I supposed to fight her ?

Talk to Will.

I can't do that.

He thinks she's great and that I'm just being paranoid, which is probably true.

Really ?


No, I'm sure you are not intuitive.

You know, you're just a woman and an artist.

"And on that cheek and o'er that brow,

so soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

smiles that win, the tints that glow,

but tell of days in goodness spent,

a mind at peace with all below,

a heart whose love is innocent."

What does that mean to you ?

Well, uh, it means...

He loves her because she's not a skank.


His love for her is perfect because he hasn't taken it from the unreal into the real,

which is the only way that love can remain perfect.

It's ok.

Just the ghost of Byron.

Uh, is there a flashlight ?

Oh, yeah, there's candles in this cabinet.

Ah, here we go.






This is probably why the romantics were so inspired.

No electricity.

So, um, people aren't supposed to act on their love ?

Getting back to the...

the poem.

I mean, we're just supposed to dream about it ?

Whatever we pull from dreams into reality is tainted by experience.

Love is...

no exception.

However, that's no reason to avoid it.

I'm not avoiding it.

I mean, obviously, I'm not avoiding it.

I'm in love.

With Adam.


So, I think I get it.

I can probably write the paper.

Um, you've been very helpful.

People say men are unfaithful because they don't feel needed.

And women are unfaithful because they don't feel loved.

It's raining really hard now.

Do you feel loved ?


Do you feel loved enough ?

Because you deserve it.

You have to leave.


This, uh, didn't happen.

I'm gonna go home.

Ok, I'm...

going home, but...

this did happen.

I'm starving.

Do we have anything fried or in the burrito family ?

Hey, tell me something.

Where do you get off being rude to Lilly ?

Not as hungry as I thought.

She's very vulnerable in the area of dating.

You could have scarred her for life.

Mom, I don't discuss this stuff with you.

She's my friend.

She hit on me.

You could have said no.

You should have.

See, this is precisely why I don't date nuns.

That is a very good policy.

Hey Joan, you're home early.

Power went out at the store.

You could have called me.

I would have come after you, it's not that far.

Ah, the bus is fine.

Hey, you're soaking wet.

Mom, I'm fine, ok ?

Don't fuss.


You'd better change your clothes before you catch a cold.

What's all this ?

Oh, I assigned a collage for the class.

It's harder than I remember, trying to keep it edgy and creative

and not like the place mats we make our parents in kindergarten.

Where's dad ?

He's still at work.

He's been working so much lately.

What is he, going for cop of the year ?

Were you married here ?

Uh...that was our honeymoon in Niagara Falls.

Unoriginal, but...


Honey ?

Hey, what's the matter ?


What do you mean, nothing ?


When did you know, uh...

that you were gonna marry dad ?

About a week before the wedding.

I...kept breaking up with him.

Why ?

I...I thought the marriage thing was so predictable.

I...thought it would be the end of my life.

Then why did you do it ?

Because I couldn't not do it.

My future was...

connected with his.

What, I was gonna let somebody else have that smile for the rest of her life ?

This is the kind of thing that usually makes you squirm.

I'm squirming on the inside.

Sweetheart, love is complicated.

Way more complicated than driving a car, which you're just barely old enough to do.

I know that I love Adam.


But that doesn't mean you're going to spend your life with him.

And it doesn't mean that you aren't.

It just means...

you can't know that now.

So just enjoy your time together.

It must be nice to know that you found the guy who's gonna love you forever

and that he can't ever leave you for some perky blond

and that you're not gonna kiss some guy by candlelight

just because he has blue eyes and quotes poetry.

Good night.

How bad is it?

My collage.

I know, it's sentimental and obvious and...

It's not art.

It's a lot to throw away.


did you think that I wouldn't notice the effect she's having on you,

even if you were a good liar, which you aren't ?

Nothing happened, believe me.

I know what you mean when you say that,

but every time you turned to her instead of me, something happened.

I would never have had an affair with her.

With anyone.

But she did get to me in a way...

I can't understand it.

I don't expect you to.

She has a way of twisting things.

She uses logic like a...



That's your language, not mine.

What word would you use ?

I don't know.

But I know I can't look at her now.

The things she's done...

she had Judith's killer executed because she thought I wanted it.

She delivered it to me like a gift, and now she holds me accountable.

She's dangerous, Helen.

You have to turn her in.

I can't prove anything.

I've tried.

In her mind, we collaborated.

I was her partner.

How could you let this happen ?

Well, there's something I haven't pondered.

Hey !

All I want from you is humility.

Anything else...

you are on your own.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

You told my mother ?

I thought she was onto us.

I blurted.

I'm a nun.

I've got this thing about lying.

You're not a nun anymore, and it's not lying to keep your private life private.

We don't have a private life.

We had one date.

So just...

roll on, bright eyes.

I'm workin' here.

Look, I...

I have never met anybody like you, and I don't know how I feel about it.

About what ?

You talking to me like I'm not even...

God's gift to the human race ?

Look, you're handsome.

You're used to that working for you.

But it doesn't work on me.

Men are fine,

but I've lived the cloistered life, and it's not so bad.

Is that how you see me...

some vapid, cocky handsome guy ?



Where does the chair come in ?

Every guy is broken some way or other.

At least yours is obvious.

Um...I'll, uh, buy you a girly drink.

What...what was it ?

Was it like a pink lemonade soy smoothie with sprinkles ?

Double espresso.

Make it a triple.

Knock yourself out, stud.

It's real simple, people !

Strong force is stronger than electromagnetic force

which is a thousand times stronger than weak force.

But weak force is only marginally weaker than strong force when you consider

it's billions of times stronger than gravitational force

which is the weakest force.

Do I really need to repeat this ?

Strong force is stronger than electromagnetic force

Which is a thousand times stronger than weak force.

But weak...

I've sold 12 paintings already.

That's really great !

Chicken wings ?

Thanks, uh...

don't I know you ?

Oh, we had a class in high school.

Janet, right ?

Joan, but you used to call me Jane.

Why'd I do that ?


Sorry, darling.

I was off somewhere being shallow.

My wife, Stevie Marx.

Stevie Marx-Rove, you silly.

Oh, I remember you !

We dated in high school.


Yeah, I was all into you.

How'd it go wrong ?

I don't know.


I remember.

You kissed Roger.

You kissed Roger ?

Roger the Janitor ?

He's trying to be a poet.

Why'd you kiss him ?

I don't know.

Why would you kiss Roger ?

Why did you kiss him ?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Preemptive ignorance, miss Girardi ?

I haven't asked a question.



Thought you could use a lunch break.

That's a great idea.

How'd you get away ?


Helen, how good to see you.

How's it goin'?

That depends...

on whether or not you're trying to steal my husband.

I want to take him to lunch.

Well...of course.

I only need him a second.

Then I'll wait.

Detective Girardi, this is Paul Brumfield from the commissioner's office.

No way this is gonna be easy, so I'll just dive right in.

Look, Will...

as much as I have admired you as a detective and as much as I have enjoyed my tenure here,

I've received an offer from, uh, uptown that I simply can't refuse.

How far uptown ?


Justice department.

The writing was on the wall after the Karpovich case.


The feds had to be happy with that.

Lucy sacrificed a lot to deliver that narcotics bust.

Will and I were never quite on the same page about that one.

I like to do things more, you know, legal, and less, uh...

what's the word ?

Insidious ?

Am I missing something here ?

I'm afraid the detective's not very happy that I'm leaving.

Could you give us a moment, please ?


Detective Girardi...

what the hell's your problem ?

Where to begin ?

But let's just narrow it down to you.

Is it so hard to give me this victory ?

Really, Will, be a man.

I am a man, lieutenant Preston, and one who's capable of exercising considerable restraint,

because usually when I encounter something this evil I take a swing at it.

But in this case, I'll just say good-bye and thank God you're somebody else's problem.

I believe we're done, don't you ?

What ?

She got a promotion.

She's going to Washington.

I think she's gonna like it there.

And they all lived happily ever after.

There's a surprise.

You guys really like that ending.

Yeah, well, you have a better one ?

They all moved towards spiritual growth and enlightenment ?


That's gonna work with the kids.

Ever notice that the guy always has to risk his life

and the girl is nearly dead when he finds her ?

It takes a kiss to wake her up and they ride off together.

It's a nice metaphor.

For what ?

Death and resurrection.

Yeah, well, that's a fun party game.

It happens all the time.

The illusion dies so that something deeper can take its place.

Are you saying that...

Adam and I are an illusion ?

Romance serves a purpose.

It's a meditative state.

It puts logic to sleep so that people can come together.

Otherwise, you guys probably wouldn't risk it.

Why did you have to make love so complicated ?

I mean...

couldn't that one thing have been easy ?

Love is big.

It's a bright light in the universe.

And a bright light casts a big shadow.

So what do you want to do, Joan ?

How am I supposed to know ?

By looking at it.

Real love is hard work.

You have to decide if you want it in your story.

Or...if you'd rather just stay in the dream.



Hi, Jane.

I thought you were still working.

I, uh, closed up...


Hey, Joan.

I was just helping Ads with his collage for your mom's class.

Oh, and Adam, um...thank you for our talk.

Yeah, no problem.

Ok, bye.

See ya.

Your talk ?


You're really gonna make me ask.

It was in confidence.

Adam !

She's in love.

With Friedman.

What ?

Yeah, I know.

And she's totally about him and she wants me to talk to him.

Is that insane ?

Who'd ever think ?


You like it ?


what is it ?

I was jealous.

And scared.

And confused.

Hey, I told you...

No !

So I kissed Roger.


he kissed me.

But I really didn't try to stop him.

It just sort of happened.

Look, I don't care about him.

I love you.

I was just all freaked out, and there was rain and poetry,

and if you wanna break up with me, I understand,

but please...

please don't.


how can you blame me for thinking what I thought ?

She's a perky blond !

Who hires a perky blond as an assistant without even asking his girlfriend,

without even discussing it ?

Hey, look at me and tell me it was totally innocent !

It wasn't, ok ?

She just liked me so much,

and I didn't mind the idea of you being jealous

and it was like I was testing you,

and it was crazy.

Testing me ?

Why ?!

I don't know !

Love, it...

it's like a mental illness or something.

It puts all logic to sleep.

Otherwise, we wouldn't risk it.