Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Rise & Fall of Joan Girardi - full transcript

I'm 16, Grace.

I've been waiting to drive my whole life.

Dude, you're contributing to global warming,

and you're handing over vital personal information to the CIA.

When you take that picture, that's really a retina scan.

I'm getting my license.

I'm not starting a covert war.

Is this like pillow talk for you two?

Fighting for the environment is not a war.

I just wanna drive a big machine.

Is that really all that men are about?


There's a one-day sale at the mall on Ugg boots.

We can clear them out.

Uggs are so 5 minutes ago.

I'd rather wear Nine West or die.

Like I was serious.

Uh, beep-beep....

Can we get through?

Look, it's a pack of angry weirdos.

Maybe ending the assault weapons ban wasn't such a bad thing.

-== [ ] ==-

Oh, here.

Let me make room.

Here you go.


They should really put benches at all the bus stops.

Make the world a better place, one tush at a time.

What do you think, Joan?

God says "tush"?

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Sunny, crisp, clear.

Did you have a nice day at school?

Ok, Hallmark overdose here.

Just thought I'd ask.

Show I care, 'cause...

I do.

And you always want something.

What is it this time?

Since you're offering, would you be a doll and get me a latte?

Oh no, not them...

And the Lord sayeth, "geteth me a latte."

Little acts can mean a lot.

Wouldn't the $3.00 be better spent helping the poor?

Yes, but you were going to spend it on slim jims.

Oh, forget it.

Forget it.

2 sugars, please.

Hey, nice bag.

Bargain bin? K-Mart?

And your heads, I assume, are from Mattel?

One latte, please.

2 sugars.

Knock her purse from the counter.

Oops, gotta go.

I'd fun thinkin' that of.

That was too funny !

Look out !

Oh my God.

"And then in a heroic moment, miss Girardi tackled her friend,

knocking her from the path of an oncoming truck."

Nice, huh?

You made me sound like Catwoman.

But it was an SUV.

Actually, the transportation safety administration classifies all SUV's as light trucks.

Taking my driver's test thursday.

You used the word "hero" 7 times.

In the metro section?

Thought you said last night they'd bury it on the comics page.

My editor thought Joan the hero was too good for Hagar the horrible.

It was more like a momentary loss of brain function.

Bravery can be seen as having a correlation of impaired judgment...

Napoleon marching on Moscow...

Grace going out with you.

Look, you forgot to mention my face full of latte,

and Dylan Samuels is not my friend.

She's a total skank.

I highlighted the parts of the story that the readers want to see.

That's how journalism works.

The public wants heroes.

Couldn't they find someone better than me?

Honey, what you did was incredible.

I'm so proud of you.

And if you ever do it again, I will kill you.

I'm like a total celebrity now.


Adored by drooling morons everywhere.

Ugh, and barf watch.

I have to get my picture taken for the school newspaper with Dylan.

I want your action figure.

You'd so know he'd undress it.

Don't worry.

The insta-fame's only gonna last for another 14 minutes.

That's it. Now you're a Beatle.

I'm outta here.


Girardi, I'm not your posse.

Jane, hey.


Adam, please.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Come on, my girlfriend is the wonder woman of Arcadia High.

You wearing those shades to avoid detection?


My boss at the studio gave me my own account to work on.

Well, with him, but no more getting coffee.

I'm, like, his guy on this.

Wow, that's pretty amazing.

Totally unchallenged.

He and I are doing the design from concept to layout.

Do you realize how big this is?

It's enormously huge, like Marlon Brando,

but before he died.

Well, guess what the ad is for.

For the glasses, unless you're channeling Bono.

Michael says you have to live with your product,

make it a part of you.

I hope you don't get an adult diapers account.

Yeah, me, too.

Joan !

Dylan, hey.

This is my boyfriend Adam.

Where's Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?

Off somewhere trying to pretend like they care.

Brian's waiting to take our picture.

Do you think that I look ok?

Oh, yeah.

It's the school paper.

Kids don't really read it.

Should we get this over with?


I'll call you after I get off of work.


I'm glad you're still......


Cool shades.


They're for work.

He's a spy.

That's funny.

Hey, Joan...

Before we go in, I just wanted to say that, um...

what you did was really amazing.



Not really.

Um, I really don't know how to say thank you enough,

so I got you a gift.


Wow. It looks like I retired from some job after 30 years.

I can't.

No, no, I want you to.


What you did for me was the nicest thing that I think anyone has ever done for me.

Ok, then.

Thank you.

If you really wanna do something for me,

don't knock over my stuff.

That would be helpful.

You're hilarious. Ha.

There they are.

Why don't we get the two of you over there by the school seal?

Are you sure you wanna take this picture with me?

I know you have a reputation to protect.

So, Joan, do you feel like a hero?

Yeah, only I forgot my cape at home.

"Forgot my cape."

Brian, it's a joke.

Yeah, Reggie.

It's Will Girardi.

I was wondering if you could pull some phone records.

No, no, no. Off the books.

This is between you and me.

Lucy Preston.


The Lieutenant.

Grab your coat, Willy.

Uh, let me call you back, Helen.

What's up, lieutenant?


Why so formal?

There's nobody else around.

Lucy's fine.

I'm swamped.

This murder investigation is coming up dry.

The guy killed your daughter's best friend.

You really care if he was found in the bottom of a dumpster?

I'd think you'd be celebrating.

Come on.


Now !

It's an order.

I'm sure that's not an order I have to follow.

Suit yourself, detective.

"If the solid line is on the outside and the dotted line is on the inside"

Please stop quizzing me.

If I were 16, I'd want you to do it for me.

There's a lot riding on this, man.

Us on the open road, wind in our hair,

2 gorgeous babes in the backseat.

Me driving my mom's station wagon.

There's paint cans in the backseat.

Ok, it's a fantasy.

Dude don't kill my buzz.

Grace was right.

She is.

There are ecological ramifications.

Are you seriously considering not getting your driver's license because of her?

Because you cannot let her put your you-know-what's in a you know what.

You know?

I'm at once confused and disturbed by what you just said.

This is it, man.

This is the driver's license.

This is every male child's dream.

This is our gateway to freedom, our talisman of virility.

This is it.

This is...

V-10 engine.

500 horses.

Zero to 60 in 3.9 seconds.

I'm gonna pass out.

Quiz me.

Ok, road rage...

"Where we have got a low-pressure system developing.."

"That is gonna bring some precipitation with it that could hit us as early as Thursday."

"So let's take a look at the Storm Summers' national radar..."

Who names their kid "storm"?

Was his dad in the X-Men?

Hey, being glib and vapid is harder than it looks...

"Sweeping across the great plains region."

"Believe me when I tell you those plains are truly great..."

Extreme vapidity..

"Tomorrow and Wednesday, highs around 90..."

Gonna be 90 degrees tomorrow?

This is a tape.

You videotaped the weather.!

No, I got it from the TV people at the courthouse.

They said if I ever have a decent story to pitch, they'd gimme a try.

Oh, so you wanna be Storm Girardi.

He does man-on-the-street spots, too.

The guy who can belch "God Bless America.

The woman who baked Arcadia's largest croissant.

Or the girl who saved her friend from certain death.


No, Kevin.

Count me out.

They saw my article.

They wanted to talk to you and Dylan.

Kevin, this is already way too much for me.


I already said you wouldn't do it.


Thank you.

Unless I did the interview myself.

You used me.

That's nice.


Hey, what good is a sister if you can't take advantage of her?

You really wanna be a newscaster?

I'm charming, I'm cute, I can sit for hours in a chair.

You don't care about the facts.

It's perfect, right?

So Joan, how does it feel to be revered by the masses?

You so owe me.

"Chance of precipitation almost 80%. "

People are very excited to meet you.

You did a wonderful thing.

And now I'm paying for it.

All the attention getting you down, Joan?

You're God, you're the all-knowing.

What do you think?

When someone shows the world what people are capable of, they become an inspiration.


But now they expect me to be one.

I was just on a latte run that went bad.

Went well for Dylan.


She's fine.

She's alive.

But why do I have to go through all of this now?

Can't I just go get you that latte and Kevin can bring you Arcadia's biggest croissant?

You set a lot in motion, Joan.

You have to see this through.

She's alive.

Isn't that enough?

You saved a life.

Don't you want to get to know the life you saved?

Close your eyes.

Are you gonna let me see what it is I'm supposed to do?

I mean, are you gonna show me how it's all gonna work out?

I'm gonna do your eyeliner.

I'm getting my driver's license, Grace,

and there's nothing you can do or say to stop it.

The missile has been on, the launch codes have been keyed in,

and that sucker's gonna fly.

You hear me ?


Look, I love the planet, Grace,

but I also love the spirit of discovery that has brought us precision engineering and automotive excellence.

I mean, the automobile has been the cornerstone of economic advancement throughout the past 100 years,

and I am not gonna be the one to plunge our global economy into chaos and ruin.


If she wants to break up over this, fine.

That was manly, dude.

I think I'm tingling a little.



What's with the Storm hair?

Oh, they like the way it catches the light.

Are you wearing eyeliner?

Ahem. Look, um, I know how much you hate doing this, so......



I'm sure Barbie's over the moon.

She actually likes being the center of the universe.

You know, you shouldn't be so hard on her.

We were talking earlier.

She said you changed her life.

Places !

What else did she say?

Um... it was off the record.

Let's just say if I gush over you a little during the interview,

it might actually be sincere....

I said, "might."

You know, if we were married, I would be Mr. Joan Girardi.


This is about as much fun as me walking around here naked.

You know, you did look good on TV.

I forgot my brother's name.

How's your project going?

Ah, it's ok.

You know, Michael uses words like "incredibly talented" and "heir to the throne."

So it's stoke-o-rama for the Rove-ster.

Who ?

I have no idea.

But, you know, I do know that if my name is on a real ad campaign,

then I can probably write my own ticket to any college in the country.

Don't get ahead of yourself there, Rove-ster.

What, you don't think it'll happen?

I...I didn't mean to...

of course it'll happen.


What's up ?

Close the door.

I'd like you to look into something for me sort of unofficially.


It's a public phone booth.

Corner of 17th and grand.

Where they found Edwards' body.


There was a call made from there the night of the murder.

I'm thinking if we dust for prints, we might get a lead.

We already dusted it for prints.

Not the coin box.

Empty it and dust the coins.

So, um, who received the call?

Still working on it.


I'll get it done.


Dylan ?!


What are you doing here?

I saw your angry friend, and she said that you'd be here.

Oh, her name is Grace.

So no cappuccinos today?

With Elle and Gaby?

I don't think so.

I can't be with them anymore.

I mean, they're so jealous of you,

and what do they expect?

Of course everyone's gonna be talking about you.

They're your friends.

You were like conjoined blondes.

Hey !

Look, your watch.

You're wearing it.

So you like it.


Well, I dropped my other one in the bathtub,

so I guess it's a good thing that I saved you, huh?

Hey, um, your brother is so cool.

And your mom seems really great, too.

You know, I was gonna take art,

but Gaby and Elle said that it was dumb.

I don't know why I listened.

It must be really amazing to have such a great family.

Well, we're your typical freakazoids.

Your family's probably much less lame.

It's just me and my mom, actually.

My dad took off when I was younger, and, um,

I don't really remember him.

My mom's not a lawyer.

Neither is mine.

Yeah, but that's what I tell people, that, um, my mom's a lawyer.

We're moving around so much because she's always looking for work,

and I guess when you meet new people,

it's just easier to say that she's a lawyer 'cause it's, like, respectable

and all and you don't really have to worry about what other people think.

Dylan, you don't have to tell me this.

No, I know.

I just kind of want to with you.

My mom's a waitress at Don Thornberry's steakhouse, you know, by the airport.

How is that not respectable?

That place is awesome.

Ha ha. I can't believe I never knew how cool you were.

Me ?



Me...not cool.

Me...totally room temperature.

Room temperature ?


That's so cool.


you must read a lot working here, huh?

Do you have, like, a favorite book or something?

Smells good.

Me or the stew?


What's the occasion?

For Joan and her award.

She got an award, too?

Well, getting.

Tomorrow at school.

You don't know?

Why would I?

Well, Lucy set it up.

The department's giving it to her, recognizing Joan for her bravery.

Lucy called this afternoon.

Lucy ?

She called you?

Why wouldn't she tell you first?

I was out all day, and I left before I checked my messages.

I felt a little ashamed when I was talking to her.

I mean, this was a really nice thing to do for Joan.

I guess she's not as bad as I thought.

Yeah, she's really something.

So you excited about the award ceremony?

Making Price kiss my butt in public?

I couldn't make that one up in my dreams.

So how did you get so organized?

Well, nobody likes mistakes, so it's just easier to do things right.

Besides, then everybody will stay off your back.

So that's what I've been doing wrong.


I was thinking about tossing the whole thing, anyway.

I mean, who needs to be perfect, right?

Look at you.

Was that a compliment?



So what do I want to make me sick today?

How about grape juice and nachos?

Ooh, I'm in.



Hi. I only have 10 minutes.

So you want to have lunch?

Um, yeah, sure.

Hey, the nachos look awesome.

I brought something, so...

Well, let's go.

Meter's running.

I'll see you at the award thingy?

Oh, but...

I thought we were gonna eat lunch together....

Well, I only have 10 minutes with my boyfriend.

He's a mogul.

Oh, ok.

Well, I'll see you guys at the thingy.


Ohh. Hey, I'm really sorry, Jane, but I'm gonna have to miss the ceremony.

You know, Michael wants to go over my piece before we present it to the clients.

That's ok.

I'm only doing it for my parents...

and Dylan.

Oh, check this out, ok?

Michael only had 2 tiny little changes.

I'm telling you, Jane, the way we work, we're like equals.

I could date those glasses.




Joan told me how important this ad thing was, and I just wanted to say good luck.

It looks awesome.


You know, why don't you take my seat?

I have to run anyways.

Adam, don't you have a few more minutes?

Well, Michael wants to go over the changes,

and then he's gonna tell me how great I am.

I don't want to be late for that, so...

Ok ?

See you later.

Good luck.


Don't worry.

I'll keep you company.

So the prints you wanted from those coins?

Yeah ?

Already been done.

What ?

Who ordered it?

Lucy Preston.

I could get you the report.

Uh, no, don't worry.

Must have come up dry..

Sorry to waste your time.

Anything else, Boss?

Will ?

Hey, Will !

You want to share a ride over to your kid's school?

I'll let you take a sneak peek at her award.

I've got a few stops to make on my own.



Friedman !


I got my license, dude.

I did it!

Yeah !

Yeah, baby!


So you did it, huh?

Who cares about the polar ice cap melting?

You just pack the penguins in your car.

You can all do a drive-through for a burrito grande.

Ok, can the preamble, Grace.

If you're gonna do it, just do it, ok?

I am a gas-guzzling, smog-spewing tool of a corrupt oil-based economy.

So just break up with me because I am never gonna live up to your expectations.

Dude, you've endowed me with entirely too much power.

But you said...

I say a lot of things.

I'm just a simple anarchist trying to get through my day.

You do your thing, I do mine.

So you'll ride with me?

Ha ha. Yeah, right.

Let me go get my fur coat.

I will see you in the biology closet at 3:00.

What just happened?

Who cares?



Ok, the other stalls are free.

How about giving me a little peace in here?

I'm all about giving you peace, Joan.

God isn't familiar with my right to privacy?

Things must be pretty bad for you to seek solace in a bathroom stall.

You wanted me to get to know the life I saved.

I have.

It's a little creepy.

She won't leave me alone.

She looks up to you.

She needs a hero.


She's already been saved.

Some people can't see their own lives.

They live in a kind of darkness.

They think that the only way that they can see is by using someone else's light.

That's what she's looking to you for.

But I can barely see myself.

I know.


You know, a little pep talk every now and then wouldn't kill you.

You're doing just fine, Joan.

So how do I make her see?

What do I make her see?


Hey !

So with all Arcadia's gratitude, I would like to proudly present this certificate of outstanding public service to miss Joan Girardi.



Thanks a lot.


Thank you all for coming.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

Very uplifting, Miss Girardi.

An oasis in the desert of your permanent record.

Well done.

Excuse me ?

Well done.

Once more?

Dylan, there were other witnesses at the scene who said that the vehicle was never in any danger of hitting you.

Is that true?

Mr. Beaumont, let's not waste the sheriff's time.

I'm sure that the streets of Arcadia are teeming with felons.


Joan pulled me out of the street.

So you saw that the SUV was about to hit you?

Well, I heard the tires screeching.


The car was gonna hit her.

But if you didn't actually save her life...

Brian, I didn't ask for this whole fiesta, ok?

I was there, she was gonna get hit.

That was the account written up in the Herald.

By your son.

Do you consider that to be objective journalism?

Dude, I checked all the facts.

Excuse me

I think we can move along here.

This is a celebration.


I would just like to know that if Dylan can say that Joan definitively saved her life.

Uh... I don't know.

It happened so fast and...

Dylan !

Ask them.

They were there.

I guess...

I guess they would know.

What ?

The driver of the vehicle was quoted as saying he had plenty of room to stop.

Because he could be sued.

Detective Girardi, do you think it's a conflict that you got your own police department
to give an award to your daughter?

That was my call.

All right, we're finished here.

Thank you all for coming.

Back to class.

Tell them.

"Questions arise about high-school hero"?

It's ridiculous.

I'm canceling our subscription.

Well, don't look at me.

It's not my by-line.

How can they print such garbage?

Well, technically, the article's true.

Questions did arise.

Don't worry, honey.

You know what you did.

Don't worry about it?

Everybody thinks I'm walking slime now.

I tried to get them to kill the story, but they said I wasn't being objective.

Why couldn't they talk to this coffee cart guy, you know?

He saw.

That was in the first piece.

This is the new angle for the follow-up.

Great, so my life is just......

an angle.

Classic case of yellow journalism.

Sensationalism unclouded by fact.

I'm gonna go to school with a bag on my head.

Hey, you're no different, they are.


I hope I didn't get you in trouble with your boss.

Don't worry about her.

Lying so you have something to write about on your college essay?

You make me sick.

Have a nice day.

Now I know how J. Lo feels.

Oh, my God.

Someone's in peril.

Oh, never fear.

Super Joan's gonna take credit.

So now you're back to making fun of me?

How does that work?

Don't rag on me.

You were there.

I wasn't looking, and they said...

You're incredible.

Yesterday you said I was the most important person in your life,

but the second these clones take me down, I'm just something on your shoe?

"The most important person in your life"?

I...I didn't say that.

I tried to cut you some slack, thinking there was a decent person in there.

You know what?


Why don't you give this to the next most important person in your life?

I don't want that thing.

Ok, it was just some cheapie off of a cart in the mall.

But you know what it meant when you gave it to me!

It was a joke.

It was just a joke.

Oh, my God.

I can't take this anymore.

The whole sob story about your mother being a waitress...

was that just another lie, too?

You don't know what you're talking about.

"Oh, Joan's a sub-defective."

"She'll buy that waitress story."

"Don Thornberry's by the airport."

"That's good and sad."

Your mom's a waitress?

What's it gonna be next week?


Oh, I know.

A princess?

Dylan, I thought you were making it up!

I'm sor...

Hey, how'd the big meeting go?

Is that your mock-up for the presentation?



Yeah, that's the perfect name for it.

They hated your pitch.

I'm sorry.


No, no, no, no, no.

Don't be sorry.


They loved it.

Well, that's good, isn't it?


Yeah, for my boss.

You know...

in the meeting, he pitched my ideas and said they were his,

and when everyone was patting him on the back, he asked me to make a coffee run.

I'm sorry.

You know, he said...

he said I was heir to the throne.

Ha! You know, that...

that I would be his boss one day.

Adam, you are 16.

What'd you expect?

This is the real world.

So people pump you up just to steal your ideas?


is that it?

Is that...

that's the real world?

You know, I'm just gonna go back to the hotel.

You know, at least cleaning rugs is an honest job, right?

Hey, maybe you pumped him up.

You thought he was gonna change your life,
and he's just some guy looking out for himself.

I don't know.

I just...

I just thought that maybe after, you know, all of this, that...

you know, that I'd have something to show for it.

You do.

You know your work is good enough to steal.

I'm gonna make out with you anyway.

Just open it.

Green transit passes?

It's the natural gas bus line.

I thought we could celebrate my driver's license by walking 30 blocks out of our way

and taking a bus to the save the earth rally.

Ok, I drove 10 miles to get them.

Sorry about yesterday.

My intentions were pure.

I want you to stay away from my family.

Do not contact my wife or children again.

You are crossing lines I will not allow to be crossed.

I hear you wanted to run some prints on the coins from the Edwards scene.

You know, it must be awfully frustrating for a guy like you
to have a woman like me be always one step ahead of you.

What do you want?

Don't play the fool, Will.

You've been a part of this dance.

I couldn't do it alone.

I believe you've enjoyed our lunches and working late, confiding in me.

That's crap.


Have you told your wife everything?

I bet you kept some secrets, huh?

'Cause you've been thinking about it.

Let's have a reality check here, detective.

You're no boy scout.

You stood right alongside me when we brought that witness in on false charges.

I'm not like you.


You'll never be as good as me.

Ha ha ha. Well, that's too bad.

We could've had some fun.

But cheer up.

You can leave here believing you're still a decent man.

I'd like all the arrest reports from the last week on my desk by 5 o' clock.

Adam !




My mom just told me about your meeting.

I'm sorry.


I heard you weren't a hero anymore.



Um...I'm mean, too.

I yelled at Dylan and ruined her life.

What happened?


5 minutes ago, you know, we were amazing, and how'd everything get so low so fast?

Ah, not everything.

The TV people really liked Kevin.

You know, they've asked him to pitch a few more stories.

Apparently, he has TV hair.

Has anything really changed?

I...kind of like it better just being us.

I'm sorry....

I have to go pick up Michael's dry cleaning.

That blows.

See you.


Ok, so I was horrible to Dylan.

She lost her hero.

She didn't know where to turn.

You know, this whole business about heroes, it's totally fake.

I was never any different.

She made me into something I'm not.

You're right.

If you're trying to get your worth from someone else,

you can't fulfill your own true nature, which is what I'm all about.

Why does everyone have to hate me now?

I mean, they were all over me before.

Well, they like you...

and they hate you.

That doesn't make any sense.

It's a paradox.

You're a hero, and you're not perfect.

You were horrible to Dylan because you cared.

Another paradox.

If you accept that they both can exist simultaneously,

then you can find peace in the contradictions,

which is where you'll find me

But what am I supposed to do now?

You asked me to get to know the life I saved, and I did.

It's messed up.

I...I can't change her.

I'm no hero...

I'm just me..

Maybe that's enough.



Gaby and Elle ?

Ditched me.

I'm really sorry.

I know.

I just didn't understand, you know, like,
how you could just turn on me like that.

Because they did.

Because I'm always scared I'm gonna be on the wrong side.

I'm not like you.

I mean, throughout this whole entire thing

when everybody was all into you and then they were against you,

you never changed into somebody else.

You were always just Joan.

And you're just Dylan.

And who is that?

I've been standing here staring at the desserts for probably 5 minutes.

You know why?

Because I don't know what I like.

I mean, how pathetic is that?

I have no idea who I am.

Maybe it's time to find out.