Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 13 - Queen of the Zombies - full transcript

God tells Joan to try out for the chorus of a zombie musical at the school. Adam is recruited by the director to build a set for the production. All the students are frustrated with the constant changes by the director. Grace finds it difficult to work with Glynis and Luke in study group. Kevin runs into Andy who tells him he has ended the law suit, but his parents kicked him out of the house. Will is still angry that Andy's family had even filed the law suit in the first place and tells Kevin to stay away from his former friend.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hey, how was your tutoring with Roger?

Oh, it was awesome.

He totally helped me with my history paper

and I aced my math quiz.


Oh, check this out.


They have a great art department plus all the liberal arts stuff for you.

Vermont ?

Mm-hmm. Way too much snow.


But they don't have grades there.


Mm-hmm. I do love maple syrup.

Uhh! Hold the pancakes....

Tuition's like car and a half.

I think my family's gonna be living out of a barrel after this lawsuit.


Then how about Berkeley ?

It's totally impossible to get into.

Look, Roger was saying that I should try to apply to some smaller places.

You know, like Oberlin.

Oberlin ?

Isn't that in the middle of a cornfield?

I mean, what are we gonna do, shoot squirrels and join a militia?

We've gotta be next to a city.

You're right..

I'll see you later?


We'll go over history?

Yeah. We'll talk about how we want our dorm rooms to look.


Ooh, look what I have for you, hot off the presses.

"For the love of Zombies"

Oh you've got to be kidding.

God wants me to audition for a musical?

The chorus.

Where it all begins.

You're not serious.

I'm always serious, which doesn't mean I'm not fun.

Ok, in case you've forgotten, I'm trying to get into a college.

Work hard in the present so I can have a future.

Do you remember when you said that?

The future includes more than just you.

I know.

That's why Adam and I are applying to schools together.

Oh, by the way, any help you can give me with my essay, you know, to...


You'll need an up-tempo and a ballad.

Anything from "Les Mis" is fine.

Do you remember in fourth grade when they dressed me up like a daisy?

That didn't go well.

Step, turn,

step, turn,



Now kick it,

now kick it,

now kick it,

now kick it !

All right, back it up.

Stop !

You're reaching up from eternal damnation.

People, let me see those zombie hands!


Is this...

chorus auditions?


You're late!

Let's go.

5, 6, 7 and 8 !


Who's Ryan Seacrest?

He's the guest musical director.

Rumor has it he was in "Rent" or he needs rent or something.

I don't know. The drama geeks call him "Johnny Broadway."

What are you doing here, Friedman?

Musical theater, hey!

It's the straight man's paradise.



But I need passion, people.

This is a love story.

Danny is a zombie!

He's one of you!


offers her brain to Danny so they can be zombies together forever.

Dial into the richness of it.

Show me how undead you can be.

Carlos !

Excuse me, Mr. Broadway.

Miss Tardy...

Yes ?

Well, you're just adding a chorus right now?

Aren't the performances this weekend, or...

Who can fill her in on what we're doing here?

Oh, we're staying open to the creative process.

We're staying open to the creative process.

Let's see how well these zombies can sing!

Carlito !

It's Carl.

5, 6, 7 and 8 !

He'll be yours forever if you let him eat your brain.

So we argue that chaos is not only an inherent building block of matter,

but it's actually necessary for the propagation of all life forms.

Yes !

Because fractals are apparent in so many organic forms!

In blood vessels, tree branches...


So what should I write?

So we could posit that as an organizing principle...

The self-similarity of fractals seem...

Could we just speak English for a second here?


We were just...

I know, I...

feel free to jump in.

I don't think so.

I shouldn't have agreed to do a lab with you two anyway.

It'll just screw up my "c" average.

Come on, Grace. Friedman ditched us to be in the musical.


Seems to happen to me a lot.

Yeah, right.

That's it.


No, please.

You can recalculate the differential analysis of the 6 remaining fractals all by yourself.

I'd love to..

I just gotta go jab a railroad spike into my head.

Grace, you can't leave.

We have to go over civics.

Power, corruption, revolution.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm sure you two can handle it.

Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke...

The self-similarity of fractals seems to...

"For the love of zombies"?

Hey, actually, it's "zombies in love".

The director keeps changing the title probably because he's mental.

We have mid-terms coming up.

Are you sure you're gonna have enough time?


The college counselor is stoked.

I mean, another extra-curricular?

That's admissions gold.

Yeah, well, my extra-curriculars suck because they don't exist.

Oh. I think you'd make a cute zombie.

Aw! Go on...

I'll eat your brain.

I'll pick you up after rehearsal?


Oh, I thought you had classes all day.

Well, they give us lunch.

It's a new union rule.

I thought you were going to a movie, veg a little.

Somehow I just wasn't in the mood.

It might take your mind off things.

Chuck Kroner called.

The Bakers have a court date.

Kroner knows the judge and...

says it's gonna be tough for us.


My catechism book?

I feel like I just got caught with porn.

Don't, Helen.

Don't read anything into this.

When you told me that you were taking sick days,

you never really said why.

I said.

They were gonna expire.

No. I know what you said.

Well, I just had to get away...

'cause my, um...

job has been ugly.

But then here, we get hit with this lawsuit.

So I guess the truth is, we can never get away from things, can we?

I don't know.

I was just hoping for one moment where things make sense,

where people weren't cruel for no reason,

where they don't die for no reason.

Just a moment of decency.


Stupid, huh?

Do you want...



Um...there's a game on.

I don't care, it's all the same.

I just want to eat some brains.

3 words, people.

Audience in 5 days.

That's, like..

Can it.

I want to get out of here.

Carly Simon, from the top.

Now let me hear it all the way back there!

What's this burning in my chest?

Yeah !

What's this ringing in my ears?

More passion!

What's this burning in my vein?

Yes! Beautiful.

When I've been dead for 50 years buried underneath your school Johnny...

Did you do that just now?

It's just a sketch.

Are those tombstones?


It's like a cemetery.

You know, with zombies and everything.

And a moon, yeah!

This is perfect for the finale.

Can you build it?

You want me to, like, build a set by this weekend?

Thank you, people, thank you.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Why not ?

Simple, stylized, inspired.

You'll have the crew and anything you need.

Up to 300 dollars.

Thank you.

Carlissimo !

We need a song about the moon!

Hi !

Hey !

You're gonna do the sets?

That's so perfect!

I don't...

I don't know how to build a set, Jane.

Just use your hammer and stuff.

Come on...

It's an extra-curricular.

I so knew this play was about more than just me.

It was so meant to be!

Oh, man !

I'll see you tomorrow, ok?

Look, Kev, wait.

I'm not talking to you, Andy.

Come on, man.

It's about the suit.

I'm dropping it.

My parents are pissed.

They want me to keep going.

But without me, man, there's no case.

So that's it.

It's over.

I left home.

It's done.

I'm staying at the "Y."

And I'm supposed to believe you?

I was in the middle of my deposition, Kev, and I remembered.

When the car spun out...

and I realized that, uh...

I'm driving this one, too.

Only this time, I can stop it.

So I am.

I'm just stopping it.

That's beautiful.

But see, I don't believe a word you're saying.

And it's probably just another way to jack us for money.

You just stay out of our lives, dude.

Come on, Kev, you know me.

You know I'm telling the truth, man.

Not anymore.

I hope everybody's hungry!

I love it when dad's home.

Maybe you should think about getting fired.

Hey, what's with the vino on Wednesday night?

Are we gonna become drunks now?

That is so Osbourne's.


It's a celebration, a little surprise.

We are no longer being sued by Andy and his barely-human family.

That is awesome!


Wait, wait....

Are you sure about this?

Kroner called.

They just dropped the case.

Even signed a release.

Hey, how about a smile, Kev?

No. I mean...

no, it's great...

I'm happy.


I'm gonna get a glass of water.

Luke, no text messaging at the table.

That's 21st century bad manners.

Joan, I'm in a bit of a situation.

Grace holding out on the sugar?

Can we have 5 minutes to celebrate the survival of our life savings?

I'm in.

I saw Andy today.

He's here?

He was waiting for me at work.

He said that he was dropping the case,

but I didn't believe him.

I guess he wanted me to tell him that everything was ok now.

Almost ruining us?

He wants a pass on that?


Don't worry, Dad.

I told him to get lost.

I wonder why he changed his mind.

Are you feeling sorry for him now?

No, but, I mean...

it just came out of nowhere.

Let's just be thankful that this whole mess is over.

Enjoy the moment.


To no more lawyers!

To getting through it.

To us!

To drinking wine without getting grounded.

To Joan being in the musical about zombies at school this weekend

which you will videotape and use to humiliate her for the rest of her life.

Yes !


Really ?

Um... a musical what?

You should have let me text message.

I think I might be getting in over my head.

Adam, you've been building things since you were teething.

And you need to expand your portfolio.

This is your chance.

Yeah, but that guy seemed pretty much like a loon.

Totally, but look at this.

It's brilliant!

I mean, how stoked are you to see this big, you know,

zombies walking all over it?

It would be pretty cool

You know all the headstones move and they light up and then, you know,

the graves open so the zombies can crawl out of them.

And, you know, this...

can you actually glue these together for me?


Thank you.

You know, this is what it's gonna be like at college, us helping each other out.

We'll share a house with a group of very cool people because,

of course, we'll be cool.

Hey, what if the stage was blanketed in fog?

Oh, yeah.

So when the undead rise, they come out from here and here, see?

How exactly do we fit under the stage?

Not that I'm complaining or anything...

This part's raised, ok?

Now check out the lighting.

I'm getting chills here.

Excuse me.

Do you think that maybe we could rehearse the show at some point...

since my aunt is driving in from Indiana?

Elizabeth, this isn't about your aunt.

This is about the process!

Well, how come you keep changing the show 4 days before we open?

I mean, this is not how I worked in Godspell.

You know, I was thinking that Elizabeth would rise up on this moon thing

and she's queen of the zombie prom or...

Ok, well, that needs to happen.

You see this, people?

Inspiration doesn't follow a schedule.

When it shows up, you better follow it!

Otherwise, who are the zombies?

We are!

You, you find the tool belt people and you build, build, build.

Everyone else, top of the finale!

Thank you.

Yes !


I'm missing a zombie.

So how'd you find me?

You know, I'm an investigative reporter.

And you said you were staying at the "Y."


so what do you want?

I don't know.


well, yeah, I do.

I...I...I just...

I wanted to say thanks.

For being a bastard?

No, not for that part.

Uh...that part is yours to live with like I have to live with this.



why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?

This happened to both of us.

I don't know.

I was just waiting for the right time.

And then it was too late.


And scores !




Oh, my God!


It's better than the model, huh?


Oh, this is Elizabeth's moon?

It's so cool!

Could be.

Freaky trees.

Oh, yeah, but the branches need to be higher.

I gotta go get a ladder.

Oh, you know. I was talking to some crew guys about schools.

We totally forgot about Canada.

That's colder than Vermont.

Plus the money's way different.

I'll keep thinking.

Me, too.

See you later.

Pretty nifty set, huh, Joan?

Ha! Not even God can bring back the word "nifty."

Don't tempt me.

So this is about Adam building sets so we can be together in college, right?

I mean, I know it's never that direct, but it's sort of about that, right?


It's never that direct.

One action always has a chorus of consequences.


So it's about more than me and Adam.

Hard to believe, I know.

Don't you just love the theater?

People finding joy in creating whole new worlds?

I couldn't keep that one to myself.

Can we just swing back to me for a minute here?


This "chorus of consequences."

Can I have a few details?

Because I'm trying to stay on track.

You're on track.

Just stay open.

You'll know your moment when it comes.

Suzie honey, don't say no !

Don't you know I love you so ?

I'll be yours forever if you let me eat your brain.

So, uh, Your freak show brother and Glynis,

what were they like together?

I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

Because before, I could make myself miserable all on my own.

Now they make me miserable.

I have a problem with that.

You're not gonna stop, are you?

Every time he and Glynis talk science, it's like...

he acts like captain Kirk getting it on with a hot alien.

That is gross on so many levels.

Tell me about it.

Nothing makes sense, dude.

The inside of my head is like some gross stew the cafeteria wouldn't even serve.

You're jealous.

It happens to everybody...

Othello, the green-eyed monster. Remember?

Yeah, well, I hate it.

It's like I'm a girl.


Aren't we all thrilled?

Yes! Yes!!

I think this sucks.

Excuse me?

Ha ha! She's kidding....

Well, you got a girl up there singing about how she wants her boyfriend to eat her brains.

Not in my world.

What happens in your world?

I'm not trying to rewrite your show, dude.

No, please.

Go ahead.

Oh, my God.

Well, the zombies represent the oppressed, right?

So they should rise up and demand equal rights from the living.

A zombie rebellion?


And if Susie there really did have a brain,

she'd join with the people who need her as they defeat the forces of tyranny.

That would be something to sing about.

It's brilliant.

Let's do it.

Zombie uprising.

There's your song title.

Of course, you need a new queen.

Why ?

I mean, I'm the queen.

Eh, prom queen.

You need a real queen of the zombies who will rise up and lead the revolution.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

You !

Me ?





Yes, you're perfect.

Wait a minute.

Oh! She's gonna rise up from the moon at the end and sing to her subjects about justice.

Ooh! I want to be the military!

Dude, you could fly in on a chopper or...

Wait !

What just happened?


My aunt is driving in from Indiana....

Yeah. She's the lead....

She should definitely be the queen.

Uhh! Take five, people, please.

You, choppers..

Run with it.

Carmel, sweetie, don't you feel a new song coming on?

What did you just do?

I am still upset about the election.

Adam !

Can the moon rise from the depths of the earth?


Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it can.

Oh, yeah!

What is your problem, Polk?

What was that?

How about you just get over yourself, ok?

Everybody knows Luke adores you.

I'm willing to work with you,

and if anyone should have a problem here, it's me,

so you sulking and refusing to talk to Luke is just arrogance.

Either that, or you actually believe that anything could happened between Luke and me,

which couldn't be further from the truth,

no matter how much I might fantasize.

So why don't you do everyone a favor and take the giant stick out of your butt.

You are way more intense than I ever knew.

Here are the formulas you can work on if you can successfully remove that stick.

Did he tell you to do this?

You think I'd involve him in our business?

Have some respect for me as a woman!

You really know how to take a vacation.

I'm just putting away all the stuff from the lawsuit.

I don't want it near us anymore.

I saw Andy again.

Well, what the hell is he trying to do?

You know, I'll get a damn restraining order.

No, no, Dad.

I went to see him.

He's staying at the "Y."

His parents kicked him out.

Well, that's not your problem..

You know, he pulled the plug on all this.

I mean, he did the right thing.

What about all he's been doing this past year?

Stay away from him, Kevin.

You can't trust someone like him, ever.

But there's more between us than just this.

No, there isn't.

Not anymore.

I've been around people like this my whole career.

All you have is family.

Family is all you can rely on.

Doesn't that make the world pretty small?


It does.

Don't be frustrated, Joan.

Why not?

Things are a little bit out of control, don't you think?

From where you stand, it may seem that way.

But from my viewpoint, everything's perfect.

Have you seen Johnny Broadway?

He's insane.

Every day it's something new.

It's chaos.


You wanted me to join the chorus, so I did.

But now I have a solo.

I don't even want a solo.

This is not what I signed up for.

I know.

Just when you get comfortable, bingo, a new surprise.

Now you sound like Johnny Broadway.

Look, I was just trying to do the right thing.

I was, but everything just seems so random.

And you wanna know what it all means.


Thank you.

I do.

Then I'd learn the song.

That's it ?

Of course not.

I'm a kind and benevolent God, remember?

So I'll open the door for you.

Stand back.

So now you do magic?


Just having a little fun.

Best way to open doors.

Eat lead, zombies.

Eat lead, zombies.

Loving the trees.




Do you wanna run your song with me?

I'm totally going to forget the words.

You have to visualize it.

Written in the lights.

So instead of looking at the audience,

you pretend that you're reading it,

up there.

Like it was written just for you.

Because it is the best song.

Elizabeth, I didn't want this.

It's ok.

It's ok.

My therapist says that with a voice like mine,

I need to work on humility.

Break a leg.

That's just a saying.

Curtain in 10 minutes, please take your seats.

Joan in a zombie costume.

Dreams can come true.

I wanted to be a zombie for Halloween once.

My mom made me go as the little mermaid.

Hmm, typical.

From the undead to an objectified corporate icon.

Grace !


Uh, did the formulas.

Did you ever participate in the commercialization of the former pagan ritual?

Figliola, way to get radical.

What ?

Does this mean...

Don't push it, dude.

It's an organic process.

Yeah, dude.

All right, kids.

Circle the wagons.

Circle the wagons.

Your moon's ready.

Your set is really awesome.

Circle the wagons, kids.

Circle the wagons.

Ok, ok.






What else is there?

Carpe showem !

Carpe show-'em !

Remember, it's just a school play.

No crying.

That was one time.

And she was dressed like a daisy.

I couldn't help it.

Graduations almost here.

Will our love just disappear?

I'll be yours forever if you let me have your heart.

Danny, can you believe it? Soon you'll be off to college forever....

Let's go!

Dead eyes, zombie hands.

Make magic!

Fighting, end this war...

No, no, no...

No Tuffy !

Not down, up....
I promise you my love...
Forever in my heart...

Maybe I'll cry this time.

Get Off the stage!

I'm looking for my unit.

Get Off the stage!

There they are.

I found them.

Do something!

I don't have to.

They're loving it.

He's psycho.

You are an inexperienced buffoon, Tuffy.

You're an idiot and a...

What ?

What do you...

Danny what have you done.

Will this effect my grade.

Nothing good can come of bad science I'm afraid.

Bad science bad science.

Let no brain go to waist because a mind is a wonderful thing to taste.

Science !

Adam !

Adam !

Adam !


Why are tombstones flickering?

Uh, the model worked perfectly.

I don't...

Stop this!

And miss what happens next?

Cue the rise of the queen.

Are you crazy?

Everything's falling apart.

I know.

Come on.

I know it all seems so random to you.

But you want to know what it all means, don't you?

Johnny Godway ?!

I can still surprise you.

Aw, it's cute.

Come on,

Come on, Joan.

This is your moment.

Go with it.

Anarchy lives.



Who is that magical creature?

Stop your fighting, end this war.

Look upon your friends.

Don't you know the reason why you called us back again.

Night is long and getting longer.

There's darkness from above.

and hate is strong but love is stronger.

We are alive as long as we love.

For every moon must have its shadow.

Every noon its night.

When will you realize ?

We are your children...

Won't you let us share your life ?

We are your children,

Won't you let us share your life?

We are your children...

Let us share your life ?

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

When will you see we're made of the same stuff.

We're not flesh we are not blood.

Why can't you see ?

We are love.

We are love.

Share your love.

Adam ?

Adam ?

Joanie !

You were...

oh, come here.

All right, thanks.

Carl told me he never thought he could write a song that beautiful.

Even I got a little tear.

You made it wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you.


But it was a total disaster.

Nothing of value comes without a little struggle.

Some of the most beautiful flowers in the world only grow after a forest fire.

Literally out of the ashes, they blanket the ground with color.

Yeah, but you could make that happen without the fire.

People would like you more.

They'd just find something else to blame me for.

You can't control everything, Joan.

Turmoil, conflict, chaos, this is part of life.

Look at any playground.

The screaming, the laughter, the tears, out of that mayhem comes relationships and love

and the simple joy of being surprised by life.

So more surprises?

Oh, yeah.

There's always more surprises.


Jane !



It was all falling apart.

I know.

I'm sorry.

And then it was burning and then, I know, it got foggy,

but then when, you know, you sang that song, Jane,

that amazing song...

You know what would be the perfect school for us?

North Carolina school of the arts. Ok? can sing, and I'll do art.


What ?

I don't know if I want to sing.


I'm mean if you wanna go there...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, we're picking a place together.


Are you really gonna be happy if you don't go where you want because of me?

We wanna control this because we love each other, but that's...

that's exactly why we shouldn't.

But if we go to separate places...

I know.

We won't know how things will turn out.

Just like tonight, but..

tonight turned out to be pretty amazing, and...

I want that for you.

Don't you want that for me?


It's scary.

I know.

You know, I could never get into Berkeley.

And California is just...

way too Beach Boys for me.

You might like it.

I'll visit.

Weren't Adam's sets amazing...

when they weren't falling down?

They were magnificent...

because he has such a good teacher.

Halfway through, I thought they should've had paramedics standing by.


It was like watching fear factor.

And I was losing.


You didn't lose.

I, uh, took some time off this week, you know,

to try and clear my head.

Because I was starting to think...

nothing was gonna feel right again.

But seeing you...

up there...

I don't know, when that light hit you and everything else disappeared...

I started to believe again.

I don't know what I'm saying.

It was just...

thank you.

Dude, you missed like the greatest show on earth.

I'm sorry.

I tried.

You should've seen Joan.

Where were you?

Uh, things came up.

I lost track of time.

Andy ?

Uh... I...I called to see how he was doing.

And we went out to talk.

I mean I know he screwed up, but, uh...

He's still at the "Y" ?


You should, um, have him stay here.

It'll be more comfortable.

You know, until he figures out what he's gonna do.

Hey, have some ice cream, huh?

Before I eat it all.

Kev, the whole set imploded.

What ?

What do you mean ?

And Friedman dropped from the sky and clocked Elizabeth Goetzman.

No !

You see, he just, like, fell from...

like he wasn't supposed to.

Things caught fire.

A real fire on stage.

What ?

Adam came out with a fire extinguisher.


Adam had like a zombie mask, pretended to be a zombie to put out the fires.
There was a helicopter. Oh, Friedman has a helicopter.