Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 2, Episode 1 - Only Connect - full transcript


Look, it's you.

And it's you.

I missed--
I made this.

I did all the wiring.


Why ?

Well, that's what we did at camp. Crafts.

It's very good for crazy people.

You're not crazy.

No, not anymore. How was your summer? know, working full shifts at the hotel.

What do you want to know about plaster, grout, or unclogging toilets?

And don't get me started on caulk 'cause that's my passion.

got your letters. Not enough.

Yeah. I had to keep a journal and talk to my therapist every day.

I got really sick of myself.

You know, I really thought that it was some kind of art camp.

Gentle acres? No.

Ha ha. Definitely a crazy camp.

My roommate Darlene,

she was a compulsive hair-puller.

Not a good look

But you had a disease.

Which made me see things that weren't there,

which caused me to break from reality,

and then I'd transfer all of my anxiety onto the hallucination

and invest in my fractured perception, or something like that.

But, anyway, I'm doing well now,

which is more than I can say for Darlene.

She looks like Vin Diesel with the pulling.

What are those?

Some books I read over the summer.

You know, figuring out how what happened to you could have really happened.

You know, seeing god...

shh! Adam... nobody knows that part except for you.

Everybody still thinks that I was just talking to people, ok?

So let's drop the "g" word.

It's documented. Look, visions, voices, bi-location.

Adam, Adam, Adam, seeing him/her/it is a sure sign of crazy. It's like the Uber sign.

Just because your therapist said so?

Dr. Dan never used the word crazy.

He called it impaired perception.

But you knew it was nuts, which is why you didn't believe me.

I believe you now.
I don't want you to believe me now.

Why ?
Because I'm sane, and I...

...made all these lamps.

But what if it's possible?
It's not.

Look, Adam, you've got to get on board with this if we're gonna hang.

You seem so different.


'Cause I'm not crazy.

Look, I have to go.

Call me later.

Jane, wait...
Watch it there, Jane.

Oh, how could I have overslept?

Oh! Here. I made this for you.

Oh, whoa, I thought we were done with the lamps.

No, this is my thing.

Ok, but we have a lot of lamps.

Take the lamp, dad, unless you want her to go nuts again.

See, you can get a lot of mileage out of the crazy thing. I'd work it.

Stop using that word. Where's your mother?

Left early.
And Luke?

Him too.

They say where they were going?

Uh, mom had an errand and Luke had a thing.

They are so obviously CIA.

Hey, did you look at that golf brochure?


Apparently, paralysed people can play golf.

They can also surf, ski, and/or sail.

We need a common activity.

So why don't you learn how to surf, ski, and/or sail?

I'm old.
I'm crippled.

I can't do anything that's gonna make me look even dorkier.

Oh, tiger woods, he's dorky.


Well, think about it. I have to run.

You know, golf is good for crazy people, too.


You're into overtime.
5 more minutes.

You've used up all your minutes.

What am I, a cell phone?

No. But you are a service provider.

Ok, that is definitely it.

Do I really only get 5 minutes a day?

Minimum. Did you even read it?

You know, actually, I was so thrown by having to sign a confidentiality contract

I may have skimmed.

That's your mistake. You signed.

But if you're my girlfriend--

No using the g-word or the b-word or any gender related coupling word.

That was article four, under the public and private verbalization.

what is this about? You?re ashamed of me?

Yeah . Take it or leave it.

Dude? isn?t that your mother?

Great diversionary tactic.

oh God, that?s my mother.

What?s she doing here?

Who cares. Let?s Jet.

Hey Hardy Boy.

There?s no chance you?re Lilly Watters is there?

Every Chance. You Helen?

I know, it?s killing me, the body is a temple.I know.

It?s my sin. One of ?em anyways.

You ok?

Sister Lilly Watters ?
Nice to meet you.

Father Ken says you?re cool.

I didn?t know they let nuns do?..that.

Former nun. I left.

I was not kicked out. I left

You remember the sound of music?

That?s the kind of nun I was.

Only it was surfing instead of spinning on a hillside.

So you want to be confirmed in the church?

I?m thinking about it.

Alright well, Come On, I?m jonsing for a double espresso.

Come on.


my little anthropoid coincidences,

is everything.





fusion, muons,

bosons, quarks,

neutrinos, anti-neutrinos,

dimensions, determinism,

strong force, week force,

relativity, velocity,

chaos, order,

air, fire, water,

love, sex, death, time, space, and


Will the final be comprehensive?

This class is going to wow your boxers off, Mr. Friedman,

so don?t worry about the final.

tell your brother to stop looking at me.

Grace, We are not doing this again this year, ok. You tell him.

Is it necessary for your soul mate to assault me?

She's not my soul mate. We don't even talk. We hate each other, in fact.

I see the way you look at her.

You're all about her.
I am not about her.

This is like arguing about superman's pee or something.

She likes the other equipment, dude.

Hey, can you meet me on the roof after school?

No can do. I have work.

I thought you quit the book store.

Well, dr. Dan said it would be good for me to stay, you know, keep busy.

You know, Dr. Dan might not always be the final authority.

Shh! Lischak is glaring.

Listen, I made you a list.

Adelaide Roncalli, an Italian woman,

she began having visions of the holy family at age 7.

John Cleary, he's a grandfather in Rochester, New York,

daily messages from g--

you know,
what do you want from me?

I?m just saying, you?re not the only one.

Adam. Six weeks of crafts and writing down my dreams

and crying in front of strangers and being grilled by someone named Dr. Dan?

You?re asking me to undo that?

I can?t go back there.

I just want to be a normal couple again. You know.? You remember normal?

Not really.

So, you wanted to talk about God.

What ? No.

No, I just wanted to talk about, you know, being Catholic.

You want to talk about being Catholic without talking about God.

I?m not a fanatic or anything.

Are you at all familiar with Catholic Doctrine?

Give me a break. I was raised in the Church. Catholic School, Eight years of plead.

I was just never confirmed in the church, but,

I?m very familiar with the whole thing

so we could probably do the fast version if you have one of those.

And get right to what? Fund raising?

you don?t have to be sarcastic.

I need to know why you want to do this. It?s part of the process..

Oh. What, you?re screening people now?

What about the rest of your family?

What about them?

How do they feel about you going back to the church?

You haven't told them.

They'll be fine with it. often do you surf? I've heard it's actually a very spiritual experience.

You know... the first step of confirmation is not lying to your family.

It's pretty much not even a step.

So why don't you flip through this book,

decide if it's really what you wanna do,

tell your family... then we'll talk.

it?s amazing you didn?t fit in at the convent.

Thomas Wolfe.

Tom Wolfe.

Not the same guy? both very long winded though.

are you talking to yourself?

Yes. But not in a way that's crazy.

You got here on time.

You did the inventory, boxed up the remainders,

and now you're unloading stock.

What did they do to you at that camp?

Oh, not much, just drugs, shock treatment.

I'm kidding. what did this, um... breakdown look like?

Uh, it wasn't really a breakdown.

I was just imagining things because of the disease that I had, so...

but not anymore.

No. Not anymore.

Did you ever think animals were reading your mind?

Not animals. Just this one rabbit?

My wife spends a lot of time at home.

She's an artist.

She needs a hobby or a job.

I'm sure it's just temporary, the rabbit thing...

I'm not really the go-to girl for crazy behaviour.

I had a one-time thing.

I guess it's a broad spectrum.

Continuum, really.

What's normal, what isn't...

without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.

That's sartre. Or zappa.

Excuse me.

Am I invisible?

Can anyone see me standing here?

We have a customer.

I--I can't. Um, I'm busy.

Can you? You're so much better with people.

The filings. On the east Nyland chop shop.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Anything else?

How's your kid? The one that, you know, lost it.

She didn't lose it. She's fine.

Anything else?

you gonna finish that?

Mr Will Girardi ?

Detective Girardi. Who are you?

Process Server.

Oh ho.. What?s this.

It?s self-Explanatory.

You?re being sued.

Who the hell is Andrew Baker? Disgruntled perp?

Department will handle it.

He?s a kid who drove my son home from a party,


You know the rest.

That?s screwed up.

Adaptive Golf. They velcro you to a golf cart.

If I do this, I will seal my doom.

I will donate my genitalia to science,

and as much as I like dad, this is just a no.

I have to take off.

Uh, you know, I have a physics thing.

Hey, I'm in that class. I don't have a thing.

Honey, I have to leave early. There are bagels somewhere.

I have to leave early, too. I have this thing.

What's your thing?
What's yours?

I need a thing.

You can have mine after adaptive golf.

Dad, Kevin's making penis jokes, and he doesn't want to play golf with you.


Can't we look into white water river rafting?

Something wherein we could actually be killed? That works better for me.

I vote no on the getting killed sport. Bye.

Don't worry about the golf thing.

Yesterday you were all over it.

It's fine. I have to go.

I'm starting to miss crazy camp.

We have to pick another place.
There's a security guard that drives around.

He's gonna tell the kids at school?

He could know people there.

You are so hyper-vigilant.

Oh, don't use big words.

Maybe we should just call this whole thing off.

Friedman is so obviously aware. Have you said anything?

I don't say anything to anyone.

But, you know, the sexual tension...

people are gonna start to pick up on it.

Did you use just sex in a sentence?

Did I?

I'm sorry. My mistake.

Dude, there's your mother again!

Is she, like, a drug dealer?

I have no idea.

Sister Lilly was rude to me.

Former sister Lilly.
She was rude?


And she was off-putting.
She was off-putting.

Why are you repeating everything I say?

Reruns of west wing.

Plus, she was smoking. Yes, smoking.

Which does not seem very nun-like.
Former nun.

And let me get this straight-- are you tattling on the former nun?

I don't like her.

Am I going to hell?

Confirmation is a long process of learning,

exactly what it means to choose the catholic faith.

Maybe you're not entirely ready.

I had these dreams, and I was suddenly aware that god is real,

and I have been ignoring him,

and I... really don't think he's gonna be too happy with you

if you try to stand in the way of that.

So now you're threatening a priest.

Look, when I was in the church before, everything was very clear:

Be good. God likes it. Be bad. God doesn't.

So you believe that Kevin's condition and Joan's illness, for example,

are judgments brought on by your bad behaviour?

That's...quite vain.

You are not... being very nice.

Helen, god simply doesn't work that way.

How do you know?

Because if he did, I'd be working for some big cosmic jerk,
and I'd have to find another job.

You must think he's kind of a jerk, too.

Which is why you can't bring him home.

You know, physics is kind of cool.

I think I'm gonna like it a lot better than chemistry.

Particles. Wow.

Fission and fusion-- especially now that I understand light.


You are officially babbling.

A pastime of the mentally impaired.

Guys, hands off Friedman! This year, ok? Please!

I am so psyched about quantum chromodynamics!

I know. It is kinda hot.

Jane, you can't get all happy about science.

It's totally gonna mess up our dynamic.

I'm just trying to take a new approach to school, you know? Optimism.

Well, keep it to yourself.

I might have to drop the class.

I don't have that much time to study with the job.

Adam, you can't drop physics.

I'm only taking it because of you,

and if you're gonna be weird about it...
I'm not being weird. I'm optimistic.

You guys are doing the pukey couple thing!

The love of science is a bonding experience,

like the curies or voltaire and his mistress.

Nobody's talking about bonding.

Listen, guys, all I know is that physics gets Lischak even hotter than chemistry ever could,

and that totally works for me.

Hey, grace, I'm bettin' it works for you, too.

Spent the summer at the trough, did you, Friedman?

At least the Friedman knows what flavor he likes
Ok Back off, dude!

You Okay?

I?m Fine. I?m great. I?m Optimistic. I?ll meet you in the park later?

Andy Baker was drunk,

veered into oncoming traffic, flipped the car.

Walked away without a scratch.

After Kevin?s diagnosis, lawyers approached.

Helen said no.

We?re not going to punish a kid for being stupid.

Oh, We could have used the money.

All the medical bills..

Almost three years later,

they are claiming emotional damages?

I know they can?t win, but it?s the idea of it.


Kevin called you on the phone before he left the Party that night?

Yeah, He always checked in.

And He told you his friend Andy was drunk.

And Kevin was not drunk.

But he let Andy drive anyway.

He tried to take Andy?s keys away.

My son was Paralyzed.
They?re going to talk to me about emotional damages?

They really want to take me on about that?

Their son walked away without a scratch.

What kind of people act like this?

Money is a powerful force.

Well there?s no way they can win.

We?ll give everything we?ve got.

Meanwhile, I want you and Helen to write down everything you can remember about the history of their friendship

and that night in particular.

Tom, I cannot take this to my Wife.

Oh good. You just in time for unified field Theory.

Having a little trouble with it. But it is awesome.

All Magnetic fields are the same.

All carbon atoms are the same,

as are all electrons, protons and neutrons.

It didn?t have to be that way;

but it makes the universe beautiful.

Who would care about the universe being beautiful except for the divine benevolent entity?

Such as myself.

You... are not here.

Okay. Then you?re talking to yourself.

I?m waiting for Adam.

Adam got paged to work at the hotel.

That?s him calling to tell you.

Aren't you going to answer it?

This is not happening.

Mystery is just part of the deal, Joan.

I'm gonna close my eyes and I'm gonna count to 10.

Good luck with that.

You are not real!

So people keep telling me.

Ok. I can't keep this to myself any longer.

There are gonna be speed bumps installed on peach street-- 2, possibly 3.

A lot more than my job is in jeopardy if this gets leaked. That's my day.

Who's next?

Oh, just, you know, the usual... serving, protecting. Honey?

What? Oh, um... nothing. Just back to school organizational stuff.

How was... your thing?

Joan ?
I don't have a thing. Luke is the one with a thing.

I don't have a thing.

Is this about me being crazy?

Because I'm not crazy, and if everybody still feels like I am crazy,

then maybe you should just send me back to gentle acres

instead of tiptoeing around like I'm having visions from god or something,

because I'm not.

Nobody's saying that, honey.

You were never crazy.

Gentle acres was a part of your physical therapy,

a chance to rest and recover.

May I be excused? I need to go to my normal room and do normal homework.

Of course. Go ahead.

You want me to do that?

No. It's relaxing.

You ok?

Look, I'll just say it. Are you an alcoholic?

What ?

At first I thought it was drugs, that you were buying them,

because that's what people do outside of coffee shops.

But then I thought, "no. Get a grip.

Who else meets in coffee shops?"


So, mom, I just want you to know, if that's what you're doing,

I'm completely supportive.

Luke, one breakdown a year is all we can handle. You'll have to wait.

Mom, I saw you

You were following me?

No. On the way to school.

Mocha mike's is not on the way to school.

I went for a doughnut.

Ok, here's the deal.

You do not get to worry about my personal life,

and I get to grill the hell out of you about yours.

Let's forget this happened.

What was that?

All of our children are insane.

O...K. I'm going back to the station.

Why ?

Are you ok ?

Yeah. Fine.

ohh... what are you doing?

I'm clinging to a pipe.

Grace... seriously, phone, internet, doorbell.

I do things my way.

What's happening here?

I'm working on my lamps.

I liked you better before.

Join the club.

So...quick question.

Are you in love with rove?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Well, how do you know for sure, though?

I just said I guess.

Well, how do you know it's not just part of the whole... psychic flameout?

because it feels kinda like a breakdown.

Wait. Are you in love?

No. We're talking about you.

No, no. No, it really feels like we're talking about you right now.

We're not.

Grace, if there's a guy...

or...not a guy... you know, anybody, uh...

I think I should know.

Ha. I asked a simple question.

Forget it.

I was never here.


Hey Dad. Jump in, I?ll take you and Andy on

What are you doing.

I?m humiliating him, Mr. G.

I told you to clean out the garage.

Look at it. You haven't started.

We did a little

You're supposed to finish.

That?s conditional to you going to the game tonight.

Dad, it?s homecoming. You?re really going to stop me from going?

You bet your ass.
You think you get a free ride around here.

Stop with the cop voice.

Look, you?re not the celebrity jock in this house.

In this house you pull your weight.

Now get on that garage before I really get mad.

come on, dude. I?ll help you . We?ll get it done.


You gonna bring that in? 'Cause my speed bump expos? is in there.

Joan... what is this?

Oh, that's a book.

What is it doing in the science fiction section?

Well, I put it there.

Invisible man, one of the greatest postwar literary novels

sitting in science fiction next to the time machine.

Are you crazy?

It's about an invisible man.

Metaphor, Joan, symbolism?

Where's your brain? Did you ever have one?

Are you ok?

I?m having a little stress at home. But you?re not helping.

Excuse me, young man.

You again.

I?m looking for a book.

They just added it to our reading list. For my book club, You know.

It?s called ?One Flew Over the Cuckoo?s Nest?

and it is about a man who pretends to be crazy to get out of prison.

Yes, Yes, a post-modern classic. Ken Kesey.

I don?t have it in stock right now, but I can order it for you.

That would be lovely.

Heidi, What are you doing here?

I wanted to show you something.

You couldn?t get dressed before you showed me something?

I?m dressed. Why are you saying I?m not dressed?

Honey, Why don?t you go wait in the back room.

Because I have to show you what you made me do.

If you could just give me a moment.

You were always so jealous of me and Lucinda.

You thought she was getting in the way of our relationship.

Just because we had such a special connection.

I?m not jealous of Lucinda. It?s just that she?s a rabbit.

She?s a rabbit, is she? Just a Rabbit?

Well, guess what?
She?s not a rabbit anymore.

Are you happy Now?

Ok. You know what? We're closed.


Is it all better now, Sammy? Did I fix the problem?

Now I can give you my complete attention!

Lucinda doesn't talk anymore.

She understood me, but now she's gone,

and I'm all yours.

Are you listening? I'm all yours!

Thought you were gonna tell him no.

I can't stand to see a grown man pouting.

Dad's pouting?

You haven't noticed how quiet he's been?
That's a prolonged pout.

So I'll strap myself to a buggy and swing a club.

A little humiliation never killed anybody.

Is there hard evidence of that?

Who is she ?

What ?

Sneaking out of the house. Excessive aftershave.

Listening to Norah Jones.

Now a bitter reference to humiliation.

There's no girl.
It's grace, isn't it?

You cannot tell anyone.
Why ?

Because the whole agreement is based on secrecy. One tiny leak,
and the entire thing blows up and goes away.

You're sworn to secrecy?

I signed a contract.

Dude !

I had no choice!

You want this relationship so much, you're willing to completely degrade yourself?

Well, Yeah.

It's not so much a relationship as it is occasional making out.

How occasional ?

5 minutes a day.

Minimum !

I can't help it, man! She makes me insane!

I'm a complete stranger to myself!

You gotta confront this.

She wants you, or she wouldn't be in it.

And no matter what they say, women want us to be men.

They don't like it when we back down. It makes them... nervous.

Really ?

She's waiting for you to stand up.

Do it! You're a girardi man.

Let her know what that's about.

What's wrong ?

Nothing. I'm seeing a nun and a priest.

Uh...why don't we go somewhere more private.

I hate lying to you, but I...

ever since Joan got sick, I've been thinking about god.

And I wanted to re-examine the idea of going back to the church.

I--I was just gonna not bother you with it, but

it feels more like lying,
and that feels like being disconnected from you,
and that feels like hell,

so I'm telling you now.

I'm really not open to this right now.

I know. You never have been.'s not gonna bother you at all.

You won't even know it's happening.

I can't not know what's happening, Helen,

and I really... can't take it right now.

Look, I've never been more certain in my life

that we're all just at the mercy of an indifferent universe.

There is no god. There is no justice.

There is no grand place we're gonna eventually get to.

It's just one body blow after another

and struggling to find a reason to get up and do it again.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

This is who I've always been..

Look, I have to get back to work.

You're dead.


I can't hear you.

But you can see me.

I'm ignoring you.

I'm used to that.

Ok, look. I've got a lot of time on my hands.
I'll be in the religion section.

I'm sorry.

That's not gonna cut it.

I'm really sorry.

Is this gonna take jewelry?

I'll tell you something, Will.

You said you've always been this way, but

I did not recognize the man I saw today.

I had no earthly idea who he was or what he was gonna do next.

The bakers are suing us.

What ?

Andy Baker,

is suffering emotional damages, it seems.

Finding it hard to work.

Half a million dollars is gonna take care of that, though.

I never wanted you to hear it.

I wanted to make it go away...

so that you never had to know

that the boy who crippled our son...

And who we never punished for crippling our son...

is now coming after us like a common predator.

Hey, guys. Uh, sorry to interrupt,
but we have a very special presentation in the garage.

N-not now, Luke.
Yes, now.

Let's go. Move it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present... to you...

golf of the future.

Stand back, please. Ahem!

That was my warmup swing.

Ok, but you have to admit that the shoes are hot!

However, I am slipping.
You're slipping?

Going down. Help. Oh!

Oh, dude. Oh, this worked a lot better in the store.
Don't step on my shoes!

I can't fight gravity.

Stop it! Just stop. Stop!

Dad, we'll figure it out.


We're closing. Everybody get out.

Where's Sammy?

Oh, he had A... family emergency.

I'm covering.

Want me to walk you home?

Why not ?

Because you're not real.

Then why are you talking to me?

You know I'm real, Joan.

You've always known you're not crazy,

then you got a chance to see what it really looks like. Crazy

is destructive. It tears down.
I'm all about building up.

Then I suggest you take up carpentry.

What do you think this is all about?

Uh, you, I suppose.

It's a creation, Joan. It's not a destruction.

And that's what I want you to do.

I want you to be creative. I want you to build things.

I build lamps!

Relationships, possibilities, connections.

Look, have you read this?

You stole that!

Well, technically, everything's mine.

It's about a house called howard's end.
The house is symbolic.

Yes, I know. I read it in lit class.

All these English people running around misunderstanding
each other because of their manners.

Everything goes horribly wrong, just like in every English novel.

You know, I like what's written at the beginning here.
Would you read it for me?

"Only connect."

You hurt me.

Really bad.

Why should i trust you again?

Why did you ever?

Look, we had some good times.

And I'm fine with you being, you know, the divine "it."

But I don't want to see you anymore.

It's not you. It's me. I--I'm just-

I'm not the girl for you.

I--I had... a taste of normal,

and...I really liked it, you know? I really enjoyed being optimistic and

...making my lamps.

Don't you miss me a little?


Please go.

Do you miss yourself?

Because I do.