Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 9 - St. Joan - full transcript

God asks Joan to ace her history test - on Joan of Arc. In doing so, Joan is accused of cheating (she's usually a C student) and Grace starts a revolution on her behalf. Meanwhile, the family go to a counselor as Will's job is becoming increasingly stressful.

In their Armour. Angry.

The French charge across the ploughed field. Then tragedy. What was the tragedy? Class who knows?

I didnt do it. Mr. Dreisbach, I can explain. I was up late studying for AP Chem.

What was the Tragedy at Agincourt?

I'm prepared to wait after the bell.

Let's see... Were in France right?

Mud! The field was a sea of mud.


Um, yeah, of mud. I had that.

The French soldiers and horses

floundered in the quagmire. They got slaughtered by the Brits.

Yes. Thank you, Mr. Zakheim, for that amazing display of restraint.

After the debacle of Agincourt, the French humiliated, divided, conquered, and then, to save the day, comes...

Jeanne D'Arc. Or as we know her, Joan of Arc, a peasant girl who talks to god or so the legend says.

Now, talking to god was not unheard of back then, but, uh, Sigmund Freud would've provided Joan of arc's parents with a different analysis:

Paranoid schizophrenic with a messianic complex.

Wait! She was crazy?

God told her to get together an army to save France from the British. I think we can draw the necessary conclusions.

That doesn't mean she was crazy just because she talked to god.

Would you like to provide us with another point of view?

The test on Wednesday is multiple choice, true/false. It counts for 1/2 of this semester's grade. I advise you all to get enough sleep.


Hash browns and a bagel?


You're renting out a lot of space at the bottom of the food pyramid.

Can't you just say carbs to the max or something remotely normal?

Luke's right. Eat a banana.

Good morning.

Dad, can I have 50 bucks?

Oh, I almost made it to my coffee.

What's the money for, Luke?

32 cornell-dubilier inverter-grade capacitors.

I just happen to have a few of those in my pocket.

Luke, would you consider these capacitor things a necessity?

Well, that just depends if you define necessity as the power of natural law that cannot be other than what it is, but if--

ok. Knock yourself out. Anybody else?

You know? My shoe collection is, like, from 3 years ago.

You have enough shoes. Ok. Bank is closed.

While we're talking about all this stuff, my physio's adding up, and I want to start kicking in for that.

No, honey.

Why not?

That's your spending money, what you take home from your job.

I know the gimp bill's pretty high, and Joan's shoes are ugly.

You're not paying for phsysio. It's a family necessity. Financial discussion is now over.

I have to go meet grace. Does anyone wants this banana?

Take it with you.

Can I walk with you guys?

Ha ha ha. That's funny.

Come on, geek, I'll give you a lift.

See you, guys.

Have a good day.

Bye. Drive carefully.

We're going to talk about money, aren't we?

We've added $1,200 a month for Kevin's physical therapy, plus we still owe 6,000 for the wheelchair modifications we made to the house.

And we have 2 kids that expect to go to college.

Luke is smart. He'll go on scholarship.

There's no safety valve for Joan.

I know you get a salary bump when they pick up your contract, but until then, we have to be careful.

You don't get a salary bump.

They might not pick up your contract?

Let's not fall off that bridge yet. I've got a good 6 months to charm people. It'll be fine.

Joan of Arc was like the girl warrior. Strapped on chain mail and led men into battle. Naturally they burned her at the stake.

She wasn't crazy, right? I mean, she wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic with a miscellaneous complex?

Are you trying to say messianic complex?

Oh. I guess.

Why are you asking me, like I'm the poster child of sanity?

Anytime you deviate from the norm, the fascists call you crazy.

I consider it a badge of honour.

So she wasn't crazy then?

The meter's just run out on my interest, Joan.


You're not crazy, Joan.

No offence, but the person who makes me feel crazy is in no position to say I'm not.

You even know what a paranoid schizophrenic is?

Yes, I do. It's a person who hears voices, like, from god. Which is what makes me, I don't know, twitchy.

Here's what I want you to do.

Let's get back to the crazy thing, ok? Were you really talking to Joan of arc? And am I--am I like her?

This history test that's coming up, I want you to ace it.

That's unsettling when god uses slang. You mean you want me to get an "a"?


But I hate history, and this is the 100 years war, which was really long.

History is important.

Ohh, but Dreisbach is so boring.

And history is, like, so over!

Last spring, they didn't cut the branches back.

This summer, they had too much shade. Now they've got too many leaves. The grass is dying.

They have to replant the lawn. That's what happens when you ignore history.

Ok. The whole metaphor thing is a real pain. Is there some kind of divine law against being direct?

Get an "a" on the exam.

You know, a lot of people don't like you.

Detective Williams.

Hi, chief.

There's a crack house operating at this address. Check it out.

We know this house. The D.A.'S been undercover on it for 2 years.

2 years? What are they waiting for, permission from god?

Waiting to bag the whales.

All they got now are the guppies.


The citizens in that neighbourhood shouldn't have to put up with a crack house one day longer.

Preaching to the choir.

Get a warrant.

I can't tell you about Joan of arc, because in order to do that, I'd have to assume you have some basic grasp of anything that happened before, say, the Reagan years.

I have a test coming up on this, and I have to get an "A." Just help me out, ok?

Well, here's an interesting approach. Read the books.

Hey, I've been working my butt off here, sacrificing valuable study time.

4 hours a week? Your butt is barely employed.

The other day when your wife called and you were playing video games, I told her you were with a customer.

Joan of arc met with the dauphin, told him he should assume the crown and take back France from the British.

Then she got an army together and made that happen.

A teenage girl who managed to drive the British out after years of occupation, and you have trouble working your ipod.

No, I don't. Was she crazy?

I tend to avoid people who talk to god, but, here again, what she did was impressive.

Do you believe in god?

Never converse with the help. I think Karl Marx said that. Read.

Oh, man.

Joan, I have a masters degree in English literature.

I could've done a number of things with my life.

At least 3 things, but I chose to open a bookstore, because I believe in the power of knowledge, which comes from books.

You want to learn something? Read.

We had tuna casserole on Monday.

No, on Monday, it was Mac and cheese. Tuesday was tuna casserole.

Are we poor? Because I have a vague memory of lamb chops.

We're not poor. Joan, no reading at the table.

Let me finish this one thing.

Buckmans lives of saints.

Is that an assigned text?

Yeah, kind of. It's for a history test.

You ever notice how the church has to have a saint for everything?

Saints are important.

Really? How are they important?

They show us how to live.

Name one saint whose life you'd want to emulate. For example, Saint Barbara, patron saint of fireworks, for when all your roman candles are duds?

What about Saint Joan? She won a whole war.

You know, I find it unconscionable that science martyrs never get the proper respect.

Like Galileo said the earth revolves around the sun and he was put under house arrest, but is there a Saint Galileo?

Galileo backed down.

Half-backed down. He was brought up on charges and forced to recant.

Maybe god really does talk to people. Has anyone considered that?

You know, a lot of times when bad things happen to people, like getting burned at the stake, they might've brought it on themselves.

Joan of arc wasn't crazy!

Can we talk about the weather? I thought it was unseasonably warm today.

It's a phase.

It's not a phase.

Well, why were all the other things phases and this isn't?

Because this is different.

Do mothers come with some kind of a handbook?

She's been doing a lot strange things, will. Destroying Adam's sculpture was a symptom of that.

Now she's obsessed with saints. That's not like her.

Well, it could be a lot worse.

So you want to wait for it to get a lot worse before we do something?

Kevin's still struggling with his anger, Luke's getting ignored, you're under a lot of pressure at work.

I feel like I'm holding up a house of cards.

We're a family dealing with family issues.

Ok. What do you want to do?

I think we should see a family therapist.

We said that we would take Joan after what happened at the art show.

Nobody said we all had to go.

Dr. Salter told us right after Kevin's accident that we should all seek counselling.

I don't like the idea of running to a stranger to help us through the transition, airing all our emotions. It's an expensive for of whining. We're doing ok.

You know, saying that out loud over and over again doesn't necessarily make it true.

I just-- I want us to do the best we can. I want us to be a strong family again.

Well, dr. Slater never told us where could get the money for a therapist.

I'll get a second job.

No. No.

Or we could go to a priest. Priests are free.

Could you find us a cheap therapist?

On the ground!

I didn't do nothin'!

Get on the ground!


Copy that. Good job.

All right. Clear your desks.

I hope you slept well, Ms. Girardi.

Not very well. I was up late reading history.

Oh, I'm sure. Number 2 pencils only.

I did study, and I learned stuff.

Like, Joan of arc wasn't a schizo, for example. And they didn't kill her for saying she heard voices. They killed her for wearing pants.

Take all books off the desk.

Her trial was totally corrupt. She was a scapegoat.

Tell me on the test, Joan.

You're teaching the whole thing wrong.

Well, what really

happened is, like, these bossy judges forced her to wear pants in the courtroom.

Made it look like she was a witch, which totally gave them permission to fry her.

Is that going to be on the test?

Don't ask me. Apparently my authority counts for nothing.

All right. You may open your tests and begin.

Prepare for some advice.

Are you ready? Because it's pretty cerebral.

Nobody likes a smart ass.

Are you talking about me and Dreisbach?

He deserves your respect. He's your teacher.

He's a loser.

When Paul Dreisbach was young, he played saxophone in a jazz band, and he was really good.

Turned down a scholarship at Juilliard because music was only his second love.

His first love was history. In fact, it was his passion.

That's a little weird.

Paul Dreisbach became a teacher because he wanted to share that passion with others.

Can you please stop using Dreisbach and passion in the same sentence? It's giving me A... bad picture.

If you make snap judgments about people and are unwilling to look into their past, you'll never begin to understand them.

He's a dweeb.

He's your teacher.

I don't like him.

You don't have to like him.

Let him teach you.

It's mostly crack, but we found 3 guns, approximately 2,000 ecstasy tablets, and almost a kilo of Methamphetamine.

2 years! 2 years! Thousands of man hours, hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal drug war funds, and you blow it for a dinky little public relations bust!

This is Steve Thompson from the drug enforcement agency, chief.

Are you yelling for my benefit or to impress your guys? Because if it's for me, you might as well cut it out.

Look, we had a deal, you and me.

What kind of deal?

Mayor I agreed to lay back on the crack house as long as the DEA kept me informed.

You're a cop...sort of. You know the D.A. Doesn't have the authority to cut that deal.

Local politics don't concern me.

It's an enforcement issue.

I'm in charge of law enforcement in this jurisdiction, not him.

Well, like I said, I don't give a damn about local politics.

You are really starting to burn my ass, Girardi.

And I feel good about it.

Feel good about this. In an effort to cooperate with the drug enforcement agency,

I am not going to lay charges against any of the lowlifes you arrested in that crack house.

That way the dea can continue to monitor their criminal activities.

It's over. Put them in jail.

Better still, it's going to look like the arrests were bad.

You're going to wear this. Enjoy your next 6 months as a lame duck incompetent chief. Chief.

Ok. Adam, what's the formula for calculating the molar volume of carbon dioxide gas?

Hello? Adam, it's Jane speaking words of English.

Hey, yo! Did your photographic memory run out of film?

Adam, I told you I was sorry for trashing your sculpture.

I am. I'm very, very sorry. You don't know how sorry I am.

Oh, stop pouting. Get back on the blowtorch and fix the dumb thing.

Ms. Girardi, will you come with me, please?

Joan, the highest score you ever got on a history test was c-minus.

Yeah. I suck at facts.

Ha ha. Then explain an a-plus.

Yeah, wow. How did you do it?

I studied.

>From zero to 60 in a blink.

Yeah! I studied.

Steve Zakheim, my best student got 3 wrong.

Are you saying I cheated? Because I don't cheat.

We want you to take the test again.

What?! Why should I?

Because we're asking you to.

Agreeing to retake the test, aren't I admitting I'm a cheater?

I'm not going to admit to that because I'm not!

Joan, retake the test.


Mom, they want me to say I cheated when I didn't. I'm not a cheater!

Joan, calm down.

I didn't cheat.

Mr. Price I'll give you until Friday to decide, Joan.

Decide what?

They want me to take the test again, which is like saying I cheated.

No one is saying that. Are you saying that?

We just want her to take the test again. That should restore the equilibrium.

My daughter does not cheat, so you know what you can do with your equilibrium.

I'm making a reasonable request, Helen.

I'm not retaking the test.

Sometimes you have to take a stand, and this is me doing that.

So where do you want to start?

Well, I'm not shy, so I'll jump right in.

The family thinks I'm crazy!

Joan, no.

Nobody's crazy.

Why do you think you're here, Helen?

I think that we're experiencing transitional pains

because of the accident and because of the move. I think we just need to check in with each other. That was my idea.


I'm here because my wife wants me to be.

Because she thinks it's important. Because it is important.

I'm good.


Well, I'm as happy as a gimp can be. Let's put it that way.

I have this problem of nobody listening to me. It's like I'm invisible.

That's kind of a passive aggressive statement, isn't it, Kevin?

Ah, here we go.

You object to the terminology?

I'm a big believer in resourcefulness, people solving their own problems. That kind of thing.

I'm picking up that your son is very angry. How would you like to solve that?

He's driving, he's working, he's figuring it out. Actually I'm more concerned about Joan.

I told you. This is about me being crazy.

So I picked up some strange interests.

I mean, kids do that. So I smash a piece of art. I mean, I had my reasons.
And the whole cheating thing is completely whack.

Cheating thing?

I did not cheat. I am not retaking the test.

Joan cheated?

No. It's just price on a tear. Joan didn't cheat.

How could you not tell me about it?

This just in, Will. I try to protect you from things if I can.

You see? This is the problem. I'm the good kid, so I never get any attention.

Also we're poor.

We're not poor.

We're only here because of me.

Not true.

Well, I'm thinking that what we're looking at here is a communication issue.


You're not communicating.

We need to work on that, so the assignment for the week is to make a special effort to listen, to ask each other questions and really absorb the answers.

Wait. We're going to have assignments?

I cant have any more assignments.

Are you a therapist or are you... You? Blink twice if you know what I mean.

I'm not crazy.

This affects you, people. You could be next! Rally against injustice!

No proof, no test! Support Joan Girardi against the neo-fascists.

Rally against injustice! Support Joan! Take back the power! Take back the power!

What are you doing?

It's your revolution. Don't you recognize it?

Sort of.

It's ok. You've taken a stand. I'll organize the effort.

Grace, my feet hurt in these shoes.

Did I ask you to dress like a republican?

This is Terry Ann, student body president.

I'm not entirely clear on the revolution, but Grace said I had to do it.

As student body president, I have to stay in touch with the issues. What's the issue?

Recalls are very popular these days. That's all you need to know.

No proof, no test.

The slogan needs a little work. I threw it together sort of...

Adam! Does this mean you're talking to me again?

Explain the situation, Grace.

I told him I'd feed him his hat if he didn't help.

So did you put together a list of your demands?

My what?

You have to have a list of demands. It's, like, in the revolutionary handbook.

Oh, ah... I'll work on that.

It's a slippery slope, people! Accusing students of cheating without proof?! Send a message to the despots.

Grace, it was really nice of you to throw me this... revolution, but if Mr. Price hears about this, he could freak.

That's the plan. Well, hey, look at me. Did you cheat on that test?


Do you believe in the writ of habeas corpus?

That's the good rule, right?

They have to evidence to accuse someone o a crime.

Like when you get caught in the act vandalizing someone's sacred property. Yo.

Adam, please.

It's the foundation of a free society.

You took the stand. That's the hard part. Let's take this baby all the way.

Are you ready girl warrior?

No, proof, no test. Support Joan Girardi!

You need to work on the volume a little, but it's a start.

Hey, Roy. Thanks for meeting me.

No problem. Eddie, get this man a lemonade. He's on duty.

Last time we had a chance to chat, we were standing over a charred body. This is better.

I agree.

Still, chief of police and arson investigator have a drink in public.

Now, that's a headline in this town. So I know this can't be a social call.

I need some advice. Insight, man, maybe just an ear. I don't know.

I started out as a cop and ended up an arson investigator.

Now, you being a shrewd detective, determined that maybe some bridges got burned in that transition.

I don't know how to deal with these people.

It's like they don't want anything to change for the good.

It depends on who it's good for.

I was brought in here to clean up crime.

You were brought in here under those pre-tenses. Your real job is to look the other way.

What did you not look the other way on?

I'm afraid I don't know you well enough to discuss that.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

On the other hand, I uprooted my family for the job.

Everybody has adjusted now, not to mention financial concerns.

But what I really want to know is when you made the transition, how did it affect you personally?

Do you mean, did I cry?

Your family. Are you married?

I was. There were problems before the job switch. It sure didn't help. I mean, she kept saying she'd stick it out, believed in me, all that,

but she never looked at me the same again.

You know, there are times when I feel I should've taken my case to court.

But then I'd be unemployed. You have to make a decision about where you're going to do the most good.

Your wife, she likes you going in, right?

I think so.

You'll be ok.

I've got a Tuesday night card game, if you're ever interested.

I remember having friends. It was pleasant.

Well, it can be again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

while Mr. Price and I are big fans of free speech and free assembly, theoretically speaking,

here's how we like to deal with rebellion in school. We shut it down cold.


Ms. Polk, I appreciate your effort to launch your lifelong career as a free radical,

but I have a school to run, board of directors to answer to, not to mention all of your parents.

I promised their children an education, and I'm going to make sure they get one.

Civil disobedience is not an education?

We have big thick textbooks that talk all about that, if you'd bother to crack one.

Mr. Chadwick, I was wrongly accused. I didn't cheat.

You have the option of proving that by retaking the test.

I shouldn't have to prove anything!

Ahem! Can I just say something? I'm not wearing a button.

You were observed handing them out.

Technically holding the bag.

That's why it's called "left holding the bag," Mr. Rove.

Well, I'm not really a part of this whole revolution. I really don't care what happens here.

What about the rest of you?

Are you willing to die for your beliefs? Symbolically?

Because anyone who leaves this school wearing one of those buttons will be suspended until further notice.

Come on.

That went great!


Water's kinda nice swimming against the tide, isn't it? Huh? There's hope for you yet.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Yeah, it looks really great.

I meant about this revolution.

What about it?

Cut it out.


Cut it out. This wasn't part of the plan.

What do you mean?

You said study history, so I did. You said get an "a" on the test, so I did. Along the way, I learned about Joan of arc and figured out the whole martyr deal.

And now my word is being challenged. Like hers. I'm taking a stand. It's perfect.

You do know the end of her story?

Oh, they don't burn people anymore. Do they?

Especially not kids.

I'm not really here to discuss martyrdom with you, Joan. Like most things having to do with me, it's complicated.

Retake the test.


Retake the test.

Admit I was wrong when I wasn't. This is what God is telling me to do.

You gave them good reasons to doubt you, Joan.

You're a "c" student, you suddenly get an "A." They're confused.

And then you exacerbated it by being rude to Mr. Dreisbach, embarrassing him in front of his students. Maybe he would've given you the benefit of the doubt before that.

Those people are willing to get suspended for me. You want me to just back down?

Yes. I do.

Here's the thing you need to learn from the martyrs, Joan.

They did it the hard way.

That's what I'm asking of you.

You've been stuck on that same page for a half an hour.

It's a mystery. I'm just trying to figure it out.

What's wrong?

I hate my job.

I don't want to do it anymore.

You're just working things out. You hit a few rough patches.

No. It's bad, Helen.

They didn't hire me to fix things. They hired me to play ball. Politically.

I'm just going to keep bumping up against that until they fire me. And they will fire me.

So what do you want to do?

I want to rewind my life about 2 years.

Yeah. Me, too. But what do you want to do?

I can't ask you guys to move again.

Oh, there's a lot to be said for going back home. We have family there, friends. It could be a lot worse.

What kind of example does it set for the kids?

Retreating in failure?

Not to mention how you see me.

I just want you to be happy.

I need a glass of something.

Hey, that looks good. Mind if I join you?

Sure. Why not?

Why can't you sleep?

I don't know. Something about my life being a big, hairy nightmare.

Tell me about it.

All my friends are mad at me.

I have to surrender, even though I didn't do anything wrong.

When is this kind of thing going to end?

I'll let you know.

I mean, you would never let anyone push you around.

Daddy, do you ever think about god?

No. I did too much thinking about him when I was young.

My parents were very religious. They forced it on me.

But it never made sense. Why was god mad at me?

It wasn't my idea to create people and make them flawed.

Yeah, right.

It just makes no sense.

I mean, he's always bugging me to do the right thing, and I'm, like, "if you're so big on the right thing, then why don't you just make it clear?"

God is bugging you?

Not me.


What I mean is if there's a right thing to do, a right way to be,

why isn't it obvious? You know, shouldn't there be a clear choice?

I guess the point is... to figure out how you can do the most good.

Yeah. You're the best person I know, and you don't even believe in him.

I'm the best person you know?

I reached out to you in a public forum, and you spit on the olive branch.

I'm sorry. Can we please just do this?

You want to admit that you cheated? We don't have to go through with this.

I didn't.

Admit that you cheated and I won't suspend your friends.

Huh! Just give me the test.

Amazing how your revolution just crumbled overnight. What's that about? A guilty conscience?

You know, I'm not into this anymore, Mr. Price. I didn't cheat. I really studied.

I didn't start this revolution, and I didn't want to back down either.

This is all just bigger than me, so please let me do it the hard way.

It wasn't I who brought this affair into the hallway. You have one hour. Good luck.

I fooled myself into thinking you were a person of substance.

Oh, don't start.

You're nothing but a cream puff, powder puff, nothing puff.

Oh, you're using some puff related analogy that I don't even get.

Well, you backed down, Joan.

I had to! You don't understand. You don't know what I'm up against.

I know I'm getting suspended a day because of you. We all are. Even Adam.

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get anyone in trouble.


I can't--I can't stand you being mad at me anymore.

I'm sorry for everything. Please, you know me. You know--

you know I have... secrets and things.

Like you do, you know? I have reasons.

Whatever, Joan.

Mr. Dreisbach, Mr. Price said to come see you.



I want to tell you something, Joan.

I was absolutely certain you had cheated.

Why? Because I've been teaching for 30 years

and I know perfectly well when I'm not getting through to students and

I wasn't getting through to you.

To be perfectly fair, Mr. Dreisbach, I think you're really only getting through to Steve Zakheim.

Yeah, I know.

And that's my fault. Somewhere along the line,

I got discouraged and I started... phoning it in.

I'm aware. It's a teacher's greatest fear.

Before this event, I was going to quit.

This was going to be my last year

and it was causing me a lot of pain because I wasn't going out in a blaze of glory.

I was surrendering in defeat, like the French at Agincourt, floundering in the mud of my students' indifference.

But I made you care about history, Ms. Girardi.

I don't know how I did it, but I did. And that's the whole point.

You inspired me to take back my crown.

I thank you.

Mr. Dreisbach...

you have...

no idea how incredibly cool this is.

Oh, yes. I do.

I'll start.

Go ahead, Joan.

Well, I retook the test and got an "a," and I, well, sort of saved someone's life.

You did?

Well, sort of. Symbolically.

And even though all my friends hate me, I still feel pretty good.

Look, I know the only reason that we were in therapy was because I acted kinda crazy, but as far as I'm concerned,

we can all go home now because the craziness is over. I'm done.

Will? Helen? Anything you'd like to discuss?

Well, I'm starting to think maybe Will was right.

Maybe we all just need to talk to each other and not bring all our problems in here.

Then again, maybe it's best we get it out in the open.

Well, this wasn't for our problems. This was to help the kids.

Our problems affect the kids.

He doesn't mean problem problems.

I'm just saying we're in this forum now.

Maybe it's best to talk about whatever it is that's really going on.

Whatever'S... causing tension.

Well, actually I would like to hear more from Luke.

He's right. we don't check in with him enough.

Oh. Ok. Um...

I've kind of been dying to talk to someone about m-brane theory

and how it derails where I was philophically headed--

for god's sake!

I can't stand it! Can we-- can we please just talk about the gigantic stain on the carpet?

We've been dancing around it for almost 2 years now and it's making me crazy and maybe it's why I'm so pissed off all the time!

Because no one will say it loud,

so I have to. The accident...

it was my fault.

This...was my fault. The guys and I were out partying after the game.

My friend Andy was wasted. I tried to take his keys. He got pissed off.

I was afraid of not...

being cool. So I went for the ride. I went for the ride.

And so here we all are.

I did this. God didn't do it. The universe conspire. The planets didn't align against me.

Can somebody just please say it out loud?! I did this!